33: We’re Here for Selfish Reasons
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All right, here we are, ones and twos, Jake, here we are.

Another episode, Garth. We do on America's number one podcast. So tell me this before we get into this. What's going on with you? What's new? Not much. Well, we have a lot of exciting stuff coming up. As always, we thank and encourage people to send emails to helpfulpod at gmail.com. But we have met in person.

Yes. And we've done some, and they were great. And it's funny because the first time we met up, you and I dressed very similarly. I ended up wearing a shirt that looked a lot like your shirt, and you handled it with grace as usual. You lost your mind and suggested I was copying you. Well, just little brother and little brother. But then at one point, you said the statement that was...

You knew I would wear this shirt because I wore this shirt yesterday when we did a Zoom session. And then you pointed out that you pretty much only have one shirt you wear and you're wearing it again today. You have this one blue shirt. It's a dress shirt. I don't wear it all day. I just wear it for press. You know what? I didn't know we were going to go. I thought I was going to set Gareth up for stand-up announcements. Some people have a few shirts and they have a few shirts. You know things are bad when I'm clothes shaming.

I mean, me clothes shaming anyone who knows me is insane. I've got one thing to say about this. Yeah. Without further ado, enjoy the show. Wait, what'd you do?

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Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hello. How you doing? I'm great. How are you guys? I'm great. This is Jake and Gareth. Hi. Amazing. Hi. So what's your name? Where are you calling from? And what can we do for you today? So my name is Winter. I am from Manhattan, Kansas. And I'm

I was just calling to see if we could brainstorm a little bit because I just found out that I'm pregnant and I want to surprise my husband and then our families and everything. And I'm just not a creative person, so I'm having a hard time. Okay. So you just found out you're pregnant and you want to figure out a fun way to tell them? Thank you. Yeah. It's just got to be good, you know? So like a gender reveal, but the reveal is that you're having the baby. Your husband has no idea.

No, he does not. He might have an idea. I'm not sure. But as far as I know, he does. Can I ask a question? Were you guys trying? And I don't just mean the Gill and Alice way. I mean, like, were you actually, you know, not the old fashioned way. Were you looking into scheduling? Were you doing the whole nine yards? Well, not exactly. We were just kind of at the point, like, if it happens, it happens. Fine. But it wasn't like actively on our radar to go ahead and do it. Okay. And it just happens. Yeah.

Interesting. That's a good question, by the way, because the last you don't I'll tell you as a man who's been out there before, if there was a fun reveal for something like this, I'd be like, this is not good news. But you're happy your husband now. Can we maybe we can get a little information on your husband? What is you can give him a fake name. What's his name and what does he do?

That's okay. His name's Cody. I don't know if he'll hear, well, maybe he'll hear this. I don't know. His name's Cody. He's 25. I'm only four months older than him. So it's not that big a deal. I hope, but we both live here. He works at a restaurant. He's the manager. He's really good with people. He's such a funny guy. It's,

it's insane he's so clever he's so smart um he just sounds like you got yourself a winner honey so cody is a super he's a super funny guy at a restaurant and uh how'd you guys meet uh actually in high school we were dating our sophomore year of high school we've been together like 10 years okay so yeah it's crazy and uh when we're gonna pitch on something like a baby reveal

We need a little help from you. What are your instincts of doing it? I know you're saying you don't have ideas, you're not sure, but I don't fully buy that, Winter. What's something that's kind of cooking in your head that we can maybe pitch on? Well, so my initial thought before I got your email, if you guys want to talk to me, but I had an idea that Friday morning I was going to just turn out

this piece of paper and so a little backstory we've been together 10 years married for three and since we've lived together the last three years since we've been married we've moved four times which is all okay it's a lot he hates moving so my thought initially was i was just going to print off a piece of paper that says oops looks like we're going to have to move again and it was going to have the test and everything and

you know, the date that the baby was supposed to be due and all that kind of stuff. Okay. Now I'm going to go a little- Which I think is good. I think there's something there. I think there's something there, but I'm going to pitch a little bit different. I think we start with a little bit of stomach ache and we end with elation. Okay. Okay. I like that. What if you print out a fake eviction notice? Okay.

The city's knocking down the building. Some BS. You've got to move in 30 days.

Now, I don't know where I'm going with this, Garth, but the idea is that what I'm looking at is you go from bad news to good news. That's what I'm looking for. Those are always a fun play. You could do something like that. You know, you could hit him with something where you're just, you know what you could do? You could say that you're going to have to move because they only want to rent to families.

And it's this dumb thing. You can print it up and you can say when he comes back, you could say you sent it to a lawyer. You don't you think it's discriminatory. You don't know how they can do that. And you could be pissed off. Get hold of this in mind, because I'm liking where you're going. Do you have a good relationship with your landlord? So we've only been here. We moved into this apartment in February. Has he ever has he spoke with your landlord or is it like a property manager? Oh,

oh well actually so we're not we're fine about getting rent in on time for the most part like we're usually a couple days late so here's what i'm thinking here's what you do yourself winter here's where i'm going with it here's where i'm going i love it you have us yes call when you've pre-recorded so we know you're recording and we have you on there and we go like

Hey, guys, this is the owner. We have the address, which we'll beep out and we'll go. We have really unfortunate news. What we're looking for in a really nice place like yours is we're looking for a situation where it's for a family. And unfortunately, there's two 25-year-olds who are just married. You just don't fit the criteria of what we want in the building. And so we're trying not to be jerks about it, but you do have 30 days to move out. We're looking for somebody who's pregnant and get him to the point where he gets pissed off. Yeah.

And you help stoke it. You help stoke it. And what we're looking for is we're looking for a family. We're looking for people who are either in a family or starting a family. And we stoke it. You play into it. And then you say- But hold on, let him get pissed. Yeah. Well, he says like, well, we've been trying. And I go, well, trying's not good enough. And then we're really sorry. And then at a certain point, you just have to then say, well, the good news is I'm pregnant.

So we can stay. And he'll be like, what? What is going on? And then we'll reveal the level of bullshit we've just put in for the reveal. Now, just to go on that, when you just hear that pitch, what's your feeling? Is this fun? Not fun? Is that not what you had? Do you want it more intimate or do you like it being like a podcast thing? Where are you at?

Well, I feel like it's got to be epic and that that'll give me epic as long as I'm not the best actor. So it's like I'm part of it. Jake and I are Jake and I are seasoned actors. I don't know if you've seen New Girl. Jake and I are all over that that bad boy. So we know what we're doing. So here's what we need from you, Winter.

You need to not tell him before because if you tell him before and he gets on and you guys are all smiley and silly, there's no game. If it's a joke on a joke, it doesn't air, it's not fun, you say, "Sorry," we go, "It's all good." If he does not know and somehow, and the reason you're doing this lie is not to lie to him to be mean.

It's to give him great joy in the reveal. And if you can get him in a situation, and I don't know how you do it, Winter, but key him up to what this call is. So Cody's coming in hot. So Cody, you say, I don't want to talk to them again. They were pretty rude to me.

And then you're both on speaker. We could do a voicemail from the landlord. I need to talk to you. It's about, you know, we can lay it in there so that we do a lot of the pipe work for you so that you can be a little. And then when we hit it with, so we can get him kind of, you know, get him hot. Or Gareth, an email. An email. Great. Yes. An email that you could print out and show, whatever. Yeah. And here's what you can do, Winter.

You could give us his email. We can email him directly. Oh, I would love that. So he says to you, I got a fucking email. Fantastic. He wants out of the building. So you're not an actor. You're a reactor. Yes. Which is so much. And then you could laugh. And he goes like, it's not funny. And you go, you're doing a joke. And he goes, I'm not. He said we need to be a family. And it's absurd. That's great. And legally they can't do that. And you're like,

What they say, and they said they want to talk to us this week. So let's get out. And if he says, like, let's call a lawyer, say, like, Cody, let's talk to them first. We don't want to charge $500 for five minutes. This is a win. This is great. This is good. You like it? Oh, I love it. Hold on. Gareth has another pitch. Just throw it out. Well, I had a pitch previous, but you also wanted to reveal to your family, right?

Yeah, eventually. Like, I want to tell him first, so then we'll talk about it and everything, and then we'll come up with a plan. Of course. I think the family reveal can be that there is a moving box you left at your old place because you've been moving a lot.

it got dropped off to you guys and you're very confused. You don't know if someone else left it there or something like that. And it's got bait. It's got like a onesie on it. It's got like some booties. And then as you get to the bottom and you're acting puzzled with them, you can have a little sign at the bottom that says it's ours. We're having a baby.

Oh, that's so cute. That's sweet. You guys are good. I like it. All right. That'll be $3,000 you owe us. Is that how we're doing it now, Jake? There you go. Three. Go ahead, Kevin. The hunk just jumped on. Producer Kevin just hopped on for a really quick pitch. You said he works at a restaurant.

pay someone to act like they're choking on their food. They run up to him. He gives the Heimlich. They shoot the food. They shoot the food out across the restaurant. He turns around, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, you're going to be one hell of a father, buddy. And he goes, what? And then you're right behind him and say, congratulations. Or, or,

what he's choking on is like a little thing that and then you open it and inside the thing it says you're gonna be a hell of a dad yeah that's interesting that's a good take hold on now winter this game just got goddamn complicated so yeah we we've got an email to cody to

telling them you have to move out from your landlords because the landlords want a family. Then we do a call that we push him to, we try to get him angry to which you then reveal, don't worry, we're good. We're going to be a family. I'm pregnant. We play it that way. That's option A. Another option, which is you can also do, and I think you should do is Gareth's idea where you do the sweet box, right? Yeah.

the box reveal. Then you've got, and we're going to just call that one A, because I think you do that no matter what. So we've got option A is the weird email and the property managers. And B is you get a friend to fake choke. You hopefully get him. If like somebody else goes to help in the restaurant, you go like,

Get out of here. We need the manager. Kevin, this one has holes in it. When someone's trying to Heimlich the man, he'll be like, no, not you. That other waiter. That other waiter will do it. No, no, no. Here's how you do it. Here's how you do it. You are talking to somebody, Winter, and you bring Cody to the table. You're eating in the restaurant. So while he's there at a certain point, he starts choking. You say, give him the Heimlich. Cody will go, I don't know the Heimlich. And you go, just squeeze his chest. So that's option B.

And if you like B, we can help you figure it out. We need to know winner. What are you thinking of doing?

So I do like the first idea because like Cody, we've watched New Girl. We love the show and everything. And Cody is like the perfect mix of Nick and Schmidt. It's just uncanny how he is. And Brian, probably a little Brian Pepper in the mix. He's a little Nick and Schmidt and you're a little Brian. You're his security guard. Nice, Jake. Yeah, and he has a name. So you like option A. And then what did you think of the choking option?

The choking is amazing. And I, when you said like have someone, the choking person, if they had something like a piece of paper in their mouth or something that said you're pregnant or I don't know what we could do with that. So that was also a little bit more scarier because it's not a public restaurant. Right. Yeah. You know, it'd be a grand announcement though.

What you could do, okay, is if you like that option, you could do that as the family reveal. You could bring the parents to the restaurant. Cody's in on it. That makes it a little easier to orchestrate if you wanted. I got to say, I think this sweet box is nice with mom and dad. All right. It is pretty nice. I do like sweet box with parents. I mean, if you're going mom and dad for grandparents, this is such a big moment for them.

I got to say, if my daughters one day eventually told me their grandparents and they did it because some stupid podcast by two dorks on New Girl and they pretended to choke, I'd be like, you guys are assholes. Let me cry. Let me cry in my own space with my wife and be excited. I think for the grandparents, you do the sweet box. But what we need to know from you is do you like landlords or do you like choking? Because it's your decision. We are just here to help you.

I want to pitch a soft amendment to choking. It doesn't have to be at the restaurant. It could be like you have a friend over at your place, so it takes the public pressure off of it. I got to say the choking is getting weirder. Here's why, guys. Here's why.

So you have a friend over, you're all hanging out. And then they start going like, he goes, are you okay? He then gives a Heimlich. He then spit something out. Then she says, grab that disgusting paper. And he goes like, no, it was in Jerry's mouth. Robert, you were eating paper? No, no, open it. That's why you were choking. You had paper. And he goes, no, you open it. And then he goes, I can't read it. It's all wet. And it goes like, it says you're going to be a great dad, brother. And you're like, you're a fucking weirdo, dude.

Here's my only concern with the landlord one is like, if it was me,

My memory of finding out I'm going to be a father was like several minutes of being really pissed off with several strangers and then the reveal of the best moment of my life. It is what what we do is we take him on an emotional ride. So it is that is that is the option. I think the reason why I like that play is because I think that moment will be it is so memorable. You can't have another kid if we do that.

that because we don't know what the hell here then let me pitch you c let me pitch c okay because kevin brought up an interesting point and winter you better be thinking of your answer here lady because you're the boss okay we talk a lot but you are the boss yeah okay so a i'm the boss uh you're the boss you're you're you're the mother here okay so okay a is the uh property managers

B is a guy choking. C is you surprise him on this podcast where you say it's a, it's a podcast where somebody's got to tell you something in your life.

And he comes out and he goes, who is it? And you go, I don't know. It could be anybody, but I guess a caller is going to call in. And he's like, what? Then he comes on and we go, Hey, how you doing? We get some backstory on him. And we go like, so now we got to let you know, the thing, the person might tell you could be good, could be bad. You know, it's like, this is your life type moment. There was like an old show back in the day where they would walk you through your life.

And then we say, okay, are you ready to hear it? And we go, yeah. And you're on speaker. And then you say, I'm pregnant. Oh, that's cute. So that's, so that's, you're going, if you're going cute, it's that and it's sweet box. If you're going, let's get a little wild. It's property manager. Well, that's if you want to enter crazy town, Robert's eating paper.

So now winter, we need an answer from you, mom. We do. We can't keep working. We got to, I like the brainstorming though. This is great. This is getting energy going, but I do really like, I think maybe we'll just have to go sweet because I can't be too crazy. Well, it had to be epic and sweet is epic. Okay. Okay. It'd be memorable. I'd love that. Are you going C across the board? Are you going sweet box and you're doing a, this is your life type call?

Oh, yeah. Sweetbox, this is your live type call. So then what we need to do is we need to schedule with you and Kevin a time that you guys can call in on speaker. Well, I'm going to say when we do the reveal, since we however we fully make that set up, we should do a thing where we give a false piece of information at the beginning. Doesn't need to be crazy, but a thing that just sort of throws them like,

whatever we come up with we'll reveal something to him that he'll be confused by so we get a little comedy out of it so yes you know because we're a selfish podcast agreed uh alternative title for our show a selfish podcast uh so what we're gonna need we're here to sell we're here for selfish reasons so here's what we need for you winter you need to email kevin some details about cody and

And then I actually think we do this follow-up call via Zoom. And soon. And soon. But let's do it via Zoom. And the reason is, is then we know their sound's going to be good, Kev. And it would be nice to see them together when she tells them. And video if we want it, you know. That's what I mean. We'll Zoom it. Yeah. Yeah. You can have a memory forever. Yeah. And then you'll have the footage.

What do you think? Oh my God. That's amazing. Yep. All right. So Kevin's got to follow up and this episode will be in two parts. So guys get ready for a gill moment. And also wait before it was great, but I just want to take a minute just winter. If I could, you're on a very special call because this call is the first time where Jake has sort of recognized Brian, not only by name from new girl, but also kind of considered him a regular to some extent. And that just made me feel good.

And now, speaking of characters, Gil... Wait, hold on. What was that sound? Are you now on a motorcycle? No, I'm outside. Maybe. I don't know. You don't know if you're outside? Hey, Winter, we'll talk to you in a second. But in the meantime, Gil Buchanan.

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There's the winning twosome. Welcome. Um, we want to thank you, uh, winter and Cody, right? Yes. Yeah. We want to thank you for joining us on. We're here to help. Um, uh,

We like to say it's America's number one podcast. Go ahead. Well, you definitely like to say it. I don't think anybody in America does except for you. And sometimes I respect it. Hey, Cody, what do you know about the podcast, about what this calls about? I'm just trying to catch up to you right now. First of all, nice to meet you.

And welcome to the show. This is Jake Johnson from The New Girl. I'm Gareth Reynolds' new girl, too, just so you know, Cody. You're probably a little starstruck at both of us. No, that's Gareth Reynolds, a.k.a. Brian. My wife told me I was going into a makeup meeting. Yep. I went to makeup. She told me I was going to this Mary Kay makeup meeting, and then you guys pulled up, and I was like, are these filters? What's going on? Is this true? I don't know anything about the podcast. I'm not going to lie. She always has headphones in her.

So wait, Winter told you that this is a makeup, like a tutorial type thing? Yeah, you know what Mary Kay is? It's like a, yeah, yeah. They sell makeup and you try to get other people to sell your makeup for you. Yeah, so we got a regular guy and we made him up to look like Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. Which the makeup artist was like, who? It was a little weirder. Well, let us get into it a little bit, Cody and Winter.

So what our show is, is it's like a it's like a call in advice show. But there's a, you know, a goofy element to it. Right. Where people call in with like silly problems. Like what are some examples, Garth, that people have called in with? We had a guy who gave his boss a birthday present to an ostrich farm and the boss never acknowledged it. And he didn't know if he should approach it or not.

We had a guy who wore rainbow glasses to work and it led to everyone thinking he was gay and that kind of gave him like

a personality at work. So he lived a lie for a while. We kind of work in the like never dire, but always interesting. And we really want to like we call it. We're here to help because we always want to help the caller. So you're probably wondering right now, this is really weird and not a makeup tutorial. What the hell are you talking about? Yeah, I was like, what is winter calling with? Yes. So your lovely partner, Winter, did call in.

I didn't hit a... Winter, do you mind jumping in and just... And then we'll get to the solutions after. But do you mind telling us all why you called in? And then maybe we can even have Cody help kind of pitch on the answer to it. Oh, so you mean like... Yeah. Tell this person? Yeah, why don't you... Well, why did you call? Why did you call in? And then we'll kind of go from there. Okay. So I did. I sent an email. And I got to hop online because I got a toll.

Sorry, I told them first before I told you. Well, the reason she did is because she wanted to figure out how to make it very special for you. Yes, I did. That was why. Yeah. So I actually found out that as of probably today, I'm seven weeks pregnant. Holy fucking shit. No way. There we go. That's what we want. That's why we do this. It's real. I had just told them today, though, but yes. And I was like, no, we're fine. Don't worry about it.

Yeah? I asked her that this morning. You're kidding me. You're absolutely kidding me. There you go. Hey, come here! Come here, Cody! Thank you, buddy. Hey, you're gonna be a dad, man! You're gonna be a dad! We're gonna be a dad. You did it, man! Can you believe it? I can't. I didn't think it was possible. Oh my gosh. How you feeling, buddy? My heart is pounding out of my chest right now. It's amazing. This is big news. That is amazing.

I had a stupid makeup meeting. I know. It's just a little better, right? Oh my God. We also want to talk to you about how to do some just base foundational makeup too.

Cody, she called in because she adores you. She's really happy. And she wanted this to be extra special for you. And she didn't know how to do it. So she thought maybe this could be a fun way to let you know that you're going to be a father. And we at the show couldn't be more excited for both you guys. Thank you so much. This still feels like a dream. Yes. We're not a prank show. This is real. No, yeah, this is real. Oh, my God.

But we do want to pitch names at some point. Whenever you kind of land back down to earth, we would love to pitch a couple names. Yeah. So in closing, we're going to let you guys be together for this. But any final, we mostly end our podcast by saying, these are our suggestions. Now, what are you going to do? So where are you guys at, mom and dad? How are you guys feeling? Cody, you just found out you're going to be a dad. You guys are going to have, you guys are going to do this thing. Where are you at?

I think I need a minute. He did say, first and foremost, we were talking about it like two days ago, maybe with this long. And I was like, in the back, I was like, no, no one knows. But she asked him what first name ever going to name it. He goes, Megatron. That's our topic. No presentation. That's what it is. So you're not going to be Megatron. Maybe a middle name.

Oh my God. That'd be a great middle name. We're pitching. The middle name is Megatron. Yeah. I'll think about it. Come on winter. Also, this just dawned on me and I don't know if she told you this, but our cat's name is Winston. Oh,

Oh my, yeah. Hey guys, we're going to let you guys go and celebrate this together. We couldn't be happier for you too. You guys are lovely people. Congratulations. And Cody, it's a great podcast. You should start listening to it. You guys have earned it. Might be a fun list. And it might help when your baby's born and you're up all night because you will be my man. You will be. I've heard. It's the best. Congratulations for real. Thank you guys so much. And thank you, Winter.

Yes, thank you. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.