37: Cats and Dogs with Damon Wayans Jr.
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Hello, everybody. We're back. And we're back.

Big episode. Huge. A guy from the pilot of New Girl. Yep. Then season four or three till the end. Yep. My co-star in Let's Be Cops. Yep. A guy who I text with.

Most days of my life. Okay. Whose kids know when I'm texting him because he changes. And mine know when I text him. What does that mean? So we've created like a... A tone. A tone. A guy who we have say really, make our kids say really weird things in videos that we send to each other. Mr. Damon...

Wayne's junior, somebody my mother refers to is that wild way. Ben's way. Ben's is who wasn't good on the new girls because he's wild. It was better without him. Well, I told you my story about when my mother started watching

new girl and she ended up watching my girl and not understanding. And I was like, well, you're watching a movie from the nineties. That is nothing. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I got one. Also, there's a podcast called heavyweight, which I love. Uh, it's just really funny. And so I recommended it to my buddy clay, but I typed in heavyweight.

which I guess is a movie. No, yeah, which is, I guess, a very religious podcast. Oh, wow. And he texted me back. This is Clay. Yeah, my buddy Clay Allen. He texted me back.

Trying to get into it, man. A lot of men crying, talking about faith. If that's what you're into. I had a hard time sticking with it. And I went, no, I'm sure the host, he's a Jewish guy from Canada. All bits and heart. And he goes like, really? And I Googled and he goes, let's blame dyslexia. It's singular, my guy.

But we got a fun one today. We do. And we want to, you know, we always thank people for sharing. It's the holiday season. So we want to do something where people continue to share the show. So we're saying this year, give a friend or a family member, someone you care about the gift of this podcast. We want you to recommend this show to a friend.

That conversation, give us a screenshot of it or confirmation that they've listened to the show. Send it in to the email and we'll start sharing it on social media. Or to send it directly to the Instagram. Or send it to the Instagram. You can email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com or we're all over Instagram. So just share it there. But we really appreciate it. And once people start listening to the show, they never stop. So we're just trying to get in the blood of every human known to man. And so...

As we say, to lead us into the show, Kevin. Without further ado.

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code gil sent me hi hi welcome to the show uh you're on the show we're here to help can i get your uh first name please michael michael uh where you from michael i am from arkansas unfortunately arkansas unfortunately and about how old are you sir

About 20. You're about 20? That's cool. You're on today with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and a very special guest to my heart. A man I did a movie with called Let's Be Cops, and we hung out every day together.

And since then, we text every day to the point of it weirds out my family because I use a different voice when we're texting. Mr. Damon Wayans Jr. is on the show.

What's up, young man? Hi. How you doing? Oh, I'm beautiful. So, Michael, can you please let us know why you're calling in today and what we can try to help with? You got three shooters behind you, so I think you're going to be in good shape on this fight. What do you got? So, I, like many people my age, spend a lot of time on TikTok, right? Sure. And I came across this page.

This girl has a pit bull that she's very proud of. I can't remember the page. And it gets to this shot of the pit bull in the hallway, and he's fully erect. You can see the pit bull's entire red rocket.

And I realized that at least proportionate to the pit bull's body, he's got a little bit more than I do. You know, I mean, in terms of mass, I've probably got him beat. But just proportionately. Mike, is this a real call, my guy? Wait.

It is. Okay. Go ahead, Gareth. So you see this dog has, dare I say, a big cock, and this has affected you.

I would say so. In what way specifically, just so we can put a finer point on it to know where we're headed? Well, I'm a pretty big guy, right? I'm 6'3". And just the fact that a dog that is a third of my size probably had a giant... Did he have a beat? I mean, I didn't get a chance to compare, but probably. I don't know. So what happened after you made that realization?

First thing I did was close the app because I didn't plan on seeing that. And I really just did some self-reflection. I haven't been sexually active in a while.

Wait, hold on, Mike. Can I call you Mike? You can. So Mike, you're walking around at six, three. Were you not sexually active before you saw the red dick or was it seeing that big, uh, pit bull hog that threw you off? I'd say it threw me off. Now, can I ask you a personal question? We're not doing first and last names. Have you ever considered the fact that you have a small dick, a medium dick or a large one? Where are you at? Uh, in between your legs, where's your rocket at?

I'd say I'm average. I wouldn't call it small, but average. Have you ever had complaints from ladies or gentlemen, whichever way you go? No complaints, no, but they could be acting. You never know. I mean, did this pit bull have an enormous cock? Was it the John Holmes of pit bulls? It was definitely up there. He was definitely pumped on testosterone. Do you watch porn?

Occasionally, I guess. When you watch porn, do you see, I mean, if you watch porn, you see there are enormous schlongs on porn. Has that ever affected you? Sure. Yeah, okay. So you just, you have some penile insecurities maybe and the dog dick just sort of... Did the dog have the look like it knew that it had a big dick? Mm-hmm. Like the smirk, you know what I mean? The wink? It did look pretty, it looked pretty smug.

He owned the place. He was the man of the house. I think this is easy for me. Mine is easy too. Go ahead, Garf. You go first. This is tough because if you really are feeling that this has red-rocked you, all I could say is that I wouldn't worry about the dog's dick too much. I hate to say it. I think that's solid advice. It's a dog dick and

Yeah. And I, without knowing you, let me tell you this, without knowing you, your dick is fine. You have a fine dick. You can't say that Gareth, cause you don't know. You're fantasizing, but you don't know. Michael, your dick is fine. It's fine. It's as good as that pit bull's dick or better. We don't know that Gareth, you're guessing. And most women would rather that dick than the dog dick. Go ahead, Jake. I think I'm off the rails here. Here's what I would say. If this was your girlfriend's pit bull, then we would have a problem.

If this was a woman you recorded and she, you said like, I want to go on a date with you. She says, I'm really interested. I want you to meet my pit bull. You saw the pit bull's dick and that dick beats your dick.

Then maybe you just saw a big Pitbull dick. Don't go back on that girl's page. Wait, we're not talking about Pitbull, the musician, are we? Because if so, that this whole thing is different. No. OK. Yeah. OK. Keep going. But you could just close her page. She's not directly linked to you. I think you just.

If you've ever seen a movie that scared you, you see Jaws, you don't want to go in the ocean, you got to get it out of your mind so you can jump back in. Well, you saw Jaws and you just got to not go back and see that page. If you see a white pit bull, just get off the app. But it's not directed in your life. That dog's not living in your house.

Damon, where are you at on this? I agree. I agree. I think just kind of out of sight, out of mind. If you ever want to look at it again, you know where it is. Why would he want to look at it again, though? The first time you see a big dick, it's shocking, right? And then the more you look at it,

Yeah, but how many times are you suggesting he looks at it, man? I'm just like, look at it until it doesn't bother you anymore. Oh, that's interesting advice. Desensitize yourself. 100%. Zoom in. Okay, so here in conclusion, Gareth says, blow it off. I say... Well, yeah, I wouldn't...

Sorry. You're right. You're right. Gareth and I, I agree. That one was on me. That's my bad. Yeah. That one's a mistake. That's an error. Yeah. Gareth says, don't worry about it. Better. I say, never go back to the app again. Damon says, keep going back and staring at this dog dick so much that it is no longer an issue for you. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, the question at the end of this podcast, Michael, because you're the only one that matters, is what do you think you're going to do? I'm kind of leaning towards Damien's answer there. Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to get too personal, but my mom's in therapy, and she's done some exposure to therapy, and that really helped her. So you're really going with Damien's, you're going to go back to...

And you're going to look at this dick a bunch to get overexposed so that you're not as intimidated by it? Not a bunch, but the more you stare into the red rocket, the less intimidated. I think that's better than running from it. 100%. Well, I got to say, this is the first time where I don't agree with the advice taken. But Michael, we appreciate you calling and I hope it helps. We are here to help.

Damon Wins Jr. is taking you on a very strange path, and I hope it works for you, my guy. Yeah. Just don't blow it off. Thank you for the call, my friend.

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Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? We got you. How are you? I'm well. How are you all? Good. This is Jake and Gareth. You're on the podcast. We're here to help. Cool. Before we get into the question, what's your name, your age, and where are you from, friend? My name is Nick. I live in Southeast Portland, and I'm 37 years old.

Okay, Nick, take it away. The floor is yours. So in my neighborhood, there's a lot of cats. And one who kind of recently hit the scene, he's like sort of this like chunky guy named Herbert. And you said Herbert, like, yeah, like Herbert, but the first name. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay.

So the cat moves into my neighborhood and kind of like immediately starts taking over. Like he, he came into my house and ate my cat's food. He scratched my girlfriend, like, you know, kind of, kind of that sort of personality. Right. Recently I've been getting woken up in the morning because either my

the crows outside my bedroom window start making a ton of noise or my next door neighbor has been yelling at the crows. One of those two things. And it turns out the reason why is because Herbert has some kind of feud going with these crows. And so my next door neighbor is trying to protect his cat, but these crows are trying to protect themselves.

And between those two, you know, it's cost me some sleep. So my problem is I like Herbert. I like the crows. I like my neighbor. But I also like sleep. This is a good call, Nick. This is a good problem. So the kind of question, just to kind of paraphrase this before Gareth and I start kind of diving in, is...

What do you do about fucking Herbert? Who's ruining the neighborhood because he's kind of Herbert's that man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to start off on this one and Gareth is going to have a lot of thoughts because he's the, he's the resident cat man, but I do have, I do have two cats. So they're outdoor cats. And one of my cats is a Herbert.

His name is Peter. He's moved with us four times. Everywhere we go, we took him to a vet once. The vet said, like, this is the healthiest cat we've ever seen. He just murders rats. And the only thing that ever happened for us in terms of Peter was when he got older, he settled down. But I've never had more stare-offs with an animal than I've had with Peter where I've been afraid for my life.

And every once in a while we lock eyes and I think, this is a bad man and I don't want to cross him. So I think you're in an interesting spot with Herbert because Herbert's walking into your home and eating food. I'll tell you who Herbert's not afraid of and that's Nick from Portland. Yeah, or my cat. It's my cat's food. He'll eat your dinner, Nick. He'll jump on your bed, eat your dinner. Herbert's like steaks. He's ready to party. He has a Manhattan. Yeah, so you basically have...

A bully who's moved into the neighborhood. And does Herbert belong to your neighbor or is he a straight up stray? I believe he belongs to my neighbor. Interesting. Okay. I thought he was just a neighborhood stray. I thought he was too. No, I mean, he definitely hangs out over there. They definitely know his name also. Okay. So that makes, actually his name is Herbert. He's not a stray. Yeah. Strays don't have names. I mean, that's a,

The world I was picturing was wonderful. Hello, I just moved to the dumpster. Hello, everyone. Herbert. Got to go way tougher with a voice than Herbert in that one. I'm sorry. All right, then, yes, me, Herbert. Herbie. All right, yeah, look out. Move out of the way. Come on, what's this carving for dinner? Give me that kibble. Move, move. Yeah, that's Herb.

Well, what I was going to suggest is that you film it to see what the hell is going on. But then is this the neighbor that's yelling? You believe that neighbor? That is Herbert's owner.

Yeah, that's my suspicion. So we had a brief conversation about it, but I still don't know for sure that that's true. Yeah.

It's a bit disruptive. What bothers you more? The crows or the neighbor yelling? Garfield, can I jump in on this one? Yeah. Because it feels like the problem is Herbert. It's not the crows. It's not the neighbor. But the crows were there before. Yeah, but the crows weren't crowing and waking him up until Herbert came.

And so we're not positive where Herbert's from. We're not positive he's at the neighbor. Sounds like London. I think what you got to do with Herbert is I think you got to follow his little ass around. And I think you got to do a full mission. And next time you see Herbert on the street...

instantly follow him, see where he goes, track him, write notes, figure out where his routine is, what his life is, figure out what he's doing to those crows. Cause I just think you're suggesting a cat stock. I full on would do a cat stock.

And when he gets let out in the morning, if it is the neighbor, then you could say to the neighbor after you know it. Hey, my man, can you not let your cat out until 10 a.m.? He's killing me. But I think you need more information before you go knocking on his door and having a complaint because he could say, listen, listen, Nick, you're out of line. It's not even my cat. I think you go to the neighbor. I mean, look, I'm all for a cat stalk. I love following cats and taking notes. But I think you go to the neighbor. I think you say to the neighbor, you go.

Hey, is Herbert yours? Wow, what a great chunky monkey. I love this cat. This is awesome. I will say there's been an uptick in morning noise. Have you noticed that the crows don't like Herbert? And just I would float it out there, you know, maybe bring a bottle of wine over to kind of grease the wheels a little bit. What's the conversation if Herbert also breaks into my house and eats my cat's food? There's a lot of issues with Herbert. But that's that. Look, yes, that's very true.

So I think this is... Well, how is he breaking in? What is he using, a credit card on the window? I mean, how does he get in your house? Yeah, how does he get in? So I have to let my cat out, right? Well, I don't have to, I guess, but yeah. So I let my cat out, Frederick comes in. Wait a second. When you open the door? So put Nick, put your leg out. Not like simultaneously. Oh, you'll like, you'll leave the door open. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, first of all, first of all, here's my first piece of advice.

I think you got to stand up to Herbert a little bit. I think he's, I think he's, I think the first he's bullying you. I think first order of business is when that cat comes in, you got to do the, and put the leg up. So Herbert goes, what the fuck? And you go, not, not today. Not today.

and it's going to have a little bit he might do the like cat crouch you know and give you that look and nick you stand strong you give him a not today and you scurry him out i hope your neighbor is doing a cat stalk and sees you and starts taking notes and you kind of see him behind a tree taking notes on you and your behavior that's my dream so me and herbert are friendly though that's like maybe part of the problem you're saying kind of like

Yeah, I'm saying he's going into your house and eating your other cat's food. We got to change our relationship. Why not preempt the Herbert break-ins by leaving, when you let your cat out, put a little dish of kibble out on your porch so that Herbert doesn't have to come in and eat your cat's dinner?

I like it better than cat stalker. Yeah. What I realized in this call and possibly our last call, which won't air this way, but we've had two cats in a row. There's a weakness in this show and we give bad cat advice. Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough to get inside the head of the animal. Because I got to tell you, I've been very happy with our advice. Are you single?

No. Okay, never mind. Because if you were, do we have a lady in Virginia for you? My only question would be, if you like Herbert and your cat, are you looking to add 16 more to the mix? I guess we got to say on this one, Nick, we got to come up with some sort of solution. I would say I'm going to lean into the cat stock. I think you need more intel. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with Herbert, so maybe don't do my scowl routine anymore.

I would not let him in the house, pet him outside. If he tries coming in, then tell that, tell his big ass to go out, lift him up, say like, no, no, no. He's got to learn that he doesn't get to come in. And then if you know for sure it's the neighbor, then you do the bottle of wine and say, could you not let him out until after this time? Cause he'd been waking me up. And if you say it in a nice enough way, I'm sure you could solve the sleep problem. And then you just got to deal. Herbert has to know you're the boss.

I, that's what I would do. I would, I would just, I would go to the neighbor. I would just have a quick conversation, see what's up, bottle of wine, always have it good way. And, um, and see what's going on. And then maybe you do the porch kibble. I mean, if not, then you just, I mean, it sounds like a fun little chunky adventure you're taking with Herbert. So let him eat your cat supper and then just refill it. You got two cats, uh,

hanging out but i would i would start by doing the soft cat stock which is going to the neighbor and being like hey yeah do you have a linebacker cat yeah this is uh this is really good advice thanks guys yeah you're welcome do you mean that

I do. I do. Yeah. It's like maybe it's one of those problems that when you're in it, you just can't see how simple it is. So, yeah, I mean, I think that's what you do. We would love to know what happens. We would love to know who, you know, who the actual owner is or any of that. So will you keep us posted on that? I will. Thank you, Nick. All the best to you, buddy. Thanks for the call. All right. Perfect. Well, good luck, Nick. All right. I appreciate it. Tell Herbert what's up.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.