41: That’s Not It! with Jeff Kober
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Jake Johnson. Jerry Buchanan. Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Gil Buchanan, and my buddy Jerry, my brother Jerry Buchanan. How are you doing, Billy? I need a place to stay. And you are barking up the wrong tree for the last time, Jerry. In 1974, I was married to a woman named Alice, and you stole her away. I cannot believe I'm getting steamrolled in the intro. You're nothing but a snake. I invited you in here to be a silent observer, and you're ruining the intro. It is 72 and sunny. We got a...

You took away the one of my dreams, Gilly boy, and I'll never forgive you for it. If this is your first episode, I'm sure this is a real hard one to listen. You and me are the Buffer Brothers. We both do, though. Get ready to rumble. You have taken away my dream. I also know Jake Johnson. I also want to live in a garage. I apologize about that. You live in a garage. Inside of a garage, you're like a Russian doll. We've got a great show today. Jeff Cobra comes on. Who's Jeff Cobra? I'm going to tell you. I don't have the answer. Oh.

Back to Karen. Jeff Coburn has been in a million things. He's on the movie Self Reliance. I wrote him apart because he was on New Girl where he played the landlord. And I had a fake three way with him in Mrs. Zooey Deschanel. And he just blew us all away. He became a favorite to the cast, the crew, the writers. And he came on my movie and he crushed it too. And he came on this podcast. Crushed.

Incredible. It's just so hard for me to hear that someone crushes on New Girl and then they get all these other opportunities. Well, you gotta crush there first. Yeah, right. 68 and Balmy, I'm Jerry Buchanan. Let me lead you out here without being interrupted by the trash bag who took my love, Alice. Alice, I still think about you all the time. Jerry Buchanan, ones and fours, 72 and sunny. What? And with

And we're brought to you by Squarespace. We not only love Squarespace, I use Squarespace for all my personal websites, but we use Squarespace for the show all the time. Whenever we need to help a caller...

We send them right to Squarespace, and we are not lying about how much we love and use Squarespace because we just did it. The wigs and whatever. Suits and wigs. Wigs and suits party. And then just recently, we had a caller who lied to her boss and told her that she was taking a cooking class for a week, which just sounds...

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totally believes it. It's crazy. It's awesome. And the reason we can do that is because Squarespace is so user friendly, so easy. And it's not just websites. There's tons of stuff you can do there now. But anyway, we love Squarespace. If you need a website, if you want help building out your company, Squarespace is the place to go. So go to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the

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at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Jackie. Jackie. Where are you calling from, Jackie? So calling from Marshfield, Massachusetts, near Plymouth, Mass. Near Plymouth, cool. And Jackie,

You don't have an accent. I don't. Although sometimes people think I do like my friend who grew up in Western math. I'm like, I really don't. Uh, you're here with a special guest, Jeff Cobra. He was the landlord in a new girl and he's in my movie. So you remember the landlord, your three way. Yeah, I know. Well,

Well, old Remy's here right now. That's the song that you guys were dancing to. Yeah. Oh yeah. They did. Well, they actually put a song on, on set for us to dance a little bit. I remember.

Oh, it probably was not that song. But all those great touches were improvised by Mr. Jeff Coburn. The character with his own name tattooed on his arm. Amazing. So he says, I don't understand, Remy. How'd you know my name? Well, it's on your arm. So

So Jackie, you got a special one today and what can we do for you? One of my coworkers, her breath has become very bad. We've worked together for a while. We are

friends now. So I feel like I need to say something, but I also don't want to embarrass her. Yep. It's pretty bad. Walk us through how it's, is it cigarette bad? Is it food bad? Is she doing some weird ketosis thing bad? Where are we at here? There's a lot of kind of bad. Honestly. So at first I thought it was food. Yeah.

I was like, oh, maybe she just ate something weird. I know she eats, like, tuna fish a lot and hard-boiled eggs. Oh. What is she, like, curly? What are you trying to turn me on? What is she just... Nothing hotter than a babe in bed being like, how about some tuna fish and hard-boiled eggs? I just think it's like Heathcliff's diet.

What in the name of God? It's like if my compost had been worse. All right, so you thought it was food. I still think it might be food, to be fair. It might be food. Where are we at, Jackie? It probably is, but it lingers. And it's like the same scent every day, but getting worse. Okay. So I can't even sit near them. I'm like, okay, it's like first in the morning. I know it couldn't have been that early, or then it's even the same at night. I'm like, I can't take this.

And how, what do you do? What kind of thing do you do for work? Just so we can get a gauge of how we can. Oh yeah. So I work at a cancer center. Okay. So like a clinic, like a patient clinic. Okay. So you guys are interacting with patients a lot. Correct. So the breath is really bad. It's not cigarettes. It might be food, but it's gotten worse, which is interesting. Yes. And even to the point, like one time we were walking and we walked by a dentist's office and I go, Oh,

oh, I really need to make a dentist appointment to see if they said anything and they did it. I was like, all right. She was like, yeah, you should. All right, what do you say? You want to go eat from the garbage? Do I just say it? You want to go eat some fish bones out of the trash? Jackie, your question, if you could sum it up in a line, would be what? Yeah. What would I say to her? You called us.

What's your question? Oh, yeah. No, that's it. Like, I don't know. Like, how would I like? Yeah. Like, is it rude to be like out front? Like, hey, I think you need to get this checked out. Or yeah. Happy Christmas. Here's a tongue scraper for Christmas. Or what is what should we name her?

Betty. Betty's great. Betty. Let's call her Betty. Yeah, we're going to call her Betty. Betty, that worked great. Okay. So Jeff, really quickly, and just because we're now getting a lay of the land, the lay of the land here, we got Jackie from Plymouth. You work at a cancer center. You deal with patients. Her co-worker's breath is terrible. What's the first thing that kind of pops into your head here? This is...

A society-wide problem that no one talks about. And when they do, boy, does it stink. It's like everyone has dealt with this at some point. Yes, that's right. Yes, and a very...

uncomfortable thing. It's like it's like when someone has like a booger in their nose. How well do you know them? Like if you're really good friends, like, hey, man, you got this is harder than this is harder because this is a booger. You could say you made a mistake. Bad breath says your insides are gross and you have a lifestyle. But just I was at Farmer's Market once. I ran into a friend who was standing there with a celebrity friend.

Singer. Name the son of a bitch. Prince. Loudon Wainwright III. Thank you, killer. Thank you. His fly was unzipped.

I just met him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't. No. Excuse me. No. Mr. Wainwright. No. Your penis is too close. Yeah. Because there's something about doing the act of what you've called in for that is putting them in a vulnerable spot. You feel bad, too. Yeah. They feel exposed in their sharing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to embarrass them. You're embarrassing them. We don't want to do that. So I have a pitch.

Okay. Do you have a question? I have a question. All right. You go first. Is this person married in a relationship? No, but yeah. Yeah. In a relationship, not married. In a relationship. Okay. All right. I'm just trying to... I'm just thinking of this poor person. So I've got a beginning. It's not necessarily funny, but I think it could work. Okay. So I would...

Say that I would get all the coworkers together and I would say, guys, we need to have a discussion. The patients have been complaining about the bad breath of all of us. That's great. They would not say someone has bad breath. It's not say you go like this. And look, I got to say, I'm ashamed. It might be me.

But because and then you go because they brought it up to me, LOL. But you go, we need to now as a group be the best team.

fucking breath smelling people in any cancer center in all of Massachusetts. We don't know who it is. They're saying it smells like someone threw an egg into a fish. We don't know who it is. And put it in a closet for a couple of weeks. Sort of let it sit in a hot car for a few days. And then you could say, so to begin the remedy, which I would like us all to do, I bought a pack of those Listerine strips.

So everybody, let's start with this. Anybody has other solutions. Let's be the mint office. Let's have Listerine in the bathroom. Yes. This is embarrassing. I like this. They came to me. Yeah. I'm really embarrassed. It might be me. So hopefully Betty goes like, honey, your breath does not stink. And you go, holy shit. I smell it right now, though. It's getting bad. It might have been me or someone near me. And you lean into the anonymous patient. Yep. Okay.

And you lead into the, this could be any of us. Yeah, go ahead, Jeff. I love this idea. Right. And there's also, there's one other way to go here, which is, it's only a week from Christmas. Yeah. You could put together a package with some floss and...

and toothpaste and a really good brush and some Listerine strips and a big, big, big bottle of the Listerine. And just give it to her anonymously. You know what? I think there's room for a pitch combo. Okay. You say Jake's pitch, right? There has been some complaining. Some of these people are already very nauseous. We don't want to push that. They're in a bad spot to begin with.

So since we don't know who they're complaining about, I put together a little gift box for everybody here so we can start punching up our oral hygiene. Yeah, I think that way it's less specific, but if it's one on one, I'm going to say I like if you're going to do the gift for everybody. Ellen, the showrunner for Minx.

at Christmas last year or wrap, I don't remember, everybody got like a bottle of whiskey or something cool. She got me these shoes. Wow. Now, at first I thought, wow. Were they new then? Yes. But then I thought- Because now they look like old Balance. Yes.

We'll be right back. But just, but just Jeff and I, just Jeff and I. You had a great run. Hey, you guys, it has been so awesome. And at first I really appreciated the gift, but then I realized it's because I've been showing up to work in Crocs and like shower sandals. And then it actually went like, oh,

oh my God, this was a gift of need. Cause I go, the shoes are a wrap gift. I'm like really sweet. And she goes, I just thought of you. It's the equivalent of giving somebody like deodorant. Yes. And so I went like, it's really sweet, but also she's like,

put on better shoes, my guy. Yeah, but now if she gave everyone shoes, way less specific. Agreed. By the way, I did not know someone could bury themselves lower than Crocs, but when you said shower shoes, that was really hard to hear for everybody, obviously. I've worn Crocs to work, but never shower shoes. I gotta tell you, it's a whole new...

Another level of comfort. Especially if you have like a 6 a.m. call time. You get out of the shower, keep the fucking shower. You are not a sophomore at college. But I have a friend who has a stand-up joke, Jake. I have a friend who has a stand-up joke about one year his mother gave him Tooth Whitener and Rogaine. And he was like, this is probably the most aggressive, worst present someone could give. I think you're right. I think it's, you do. So that's why I would take your pitch, which I think is good, Jeff.

And just give it to your... You don't need to do a lot. Just a little bottle of mouthwash, some Altoids. Yes. And a tongue scraper could go a long way with someone who's eating fishy eggs. Funny thing about mothers. When you said they give the gift, I talked to Eve Johnson last night. Uh-huh. She said she's been listening to the show and...

She goes, you and the other guy are getting too wild lately. She goes, go back to the collar, the collars and stop talking to each other so much. And then she goes, and second, she goes, you have the instincts of a woman to me. I go, what does that mean? She goes, I don't know. She's like listening to you. It just feels like I'm listening to a woman in my house.

One of a kind. One of a kind. There is so much. There's not a thing I don't like about that call. She also, when she watched a new girl season one, or when Damon Wayans Jr. came back, she goes, I liked it more without that Waymans guy. He's fucking wild. Waymans wasn't. She was not like wild. No, she hates it. So, Jackie...

We're kind of in a zone here of the idea of an anonymous patient, gifts of mouthwash and Listerine to everybody. Really quickly, do you remember when we did that three-way, was there any weird breath on

that there was no weird breath on that yeah we all had to be fair we didn't make out that's right we were close we were close yes we came really close as close as i ever expected to come to a and again i was in my underwear yes exactly right i think i might have been too my man well you were in shower shoes i was in shower shoes for sure or at least sweat mats so jackie what do you think about the zone we've put you in here

I think that is actually a pretty genius plan. You know, do the group, like the two in one. Get everybody in a group and then give a group gift package. Yep. Okay, so are you going to do the a patient came to you or are you just going to give everybody a gift? Oh yeah, yeah, I think that's

a good one absolutely can you uh give us a read pretend we're the group and let's take this seriously as the group and see how she does it will you do a practice run where the other people in the hospital right yeah he's a try okay look at call action jake i mean you fit you quiet on set cut it out ones and two 68 America's number one podcast don't look it up action

All right. So on the housekeeping agenda for today, we did get a number of complaints about bad breath within the clinic. Oh, my God. What? Sorry. I just thought someone needed to voice. We don't. OK. All right. And.

Okay. Sorry. No interruptions. All right. Cause it's about Jackie. We're too wild. Yeah. I agree. I'm thinking of Jackie's feelings. Cause I have the instinct of a woman and action. Anyone want to fish or an egg? Hey. Okay. We got a meeting going. Hey, as a woman, a woman, Jackie, I'm sorry. This man keeps interrupting. So,

So Jack, I'm sorry, gal to gal here. Let's get Gabby and let's cut these two men out of this. Go ahead. All right. Yeah. So we received a number of complaints about that breath within the clinic. And, you know, it's something that we should probably address. Shut up, Gareth. Keep going.

He just did this like weird breath in. I saw him. I had a mission. I was going. Yeah, I know. But then here's the problem, Jackie. I saw him go. He made like a weird like fish mouth because he was thinking he was like, oh, literally you could not have cut me off close to the bit. As

As far as stop the bit, if the bit were halitosis, it was about to emit. I know. So keep going, Jackie. Get us out of here for God's sake. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So just in light of that, I think that I did bring out this package that I made together with Listerine mouth strips, some extra floss, mouthwash. We'll leave them around in the bathrooms. So feel free to just...

After lunch, double check, check your teeth, make sure there's nothing in them and pop in a Listerine strip if you feel it's needed. I think that's great. Jeff, first thoughts if you're one of her coworkers there.

What the fuck? I think that's right. It might be weird, but again, this is for an audience of one. So you're going to make some other people feel weird. We're just trying to neutralize one spill. But Jackie, I have a note because I'm with Jeff on this one.

And the reason that my guy Gareth kept jumping in is because he's a man of timing and it was going long. Yeah. I think it's way faster. And I think also start with

My solution might seem weird, but it's the only way I can. Something like that. I wouldn't start with that. I think your start, Jackie, I think your start was perfect. Hey, guys. Yeah, OK. With one slight edit. Go ahead. Instead of a number of complaints, we've had a pause.

few complaints. Yes, agreed. Because then it makes it even more of a... Yes, and then you might just be talking about one weirdo. Yeah. But let's take it seriously. So Jackie, can you try again? And in your head, the whole thing's 25 seconds tops. Do you want Betty to sort of be at the beginning of this, wrapping up? No, fine. Let's let Betty start, and then at a natural time, Jackie, jump in after Betty...

OK, it's called devil caviar. So you take the yolk out and you put tuna fish inside of the yolk part of it. It's hard boiled. I thought you put the egg inside the fish earlier. Yeah, that's another way to do it. You put the egg in the fish. Betty and Stacey, Jackie's looking to say something. I'll tell you more about these weird recipes later. So there was something that I wanted to bring up. We did have a complaint that there may have been some bad breath in the clinic.

So to fix that, I'm going to be putting together a package with some refreshers, Listerine strips. Stop. I don't think you need the solution. Stacey, you had something. Something pissed you off. Well, it was a complaint. Yes. And so now we're looking for who complained. I think you need, yes, patient. I don't think you said patient. Hey, Jackie, woman to woman here, can I give a pitch? Yes. Stacey and Betty, you guys want to start and I'll jump in? Sure. Sure.

Yeah, so the key is that you leave the fish out for like a couple hours and the smell starts to go, but it tastes better the more it smells. I'll eat what a dog would eat. I can smell it.

What? Because your breath is disgusting. And I think so, and the patients think so. You've got to have some sensitivity. Your breath is disgusting. Jackie. What, Stacy? Also, when you just say, don't even call it a solution. There have been a few complaints about bad breath.

Bad breath. Someone, I don't know, but I'm going to leave some of this in the bathroom. So let's just clean it up. That's it. That fast. That's it. And then that's it. And then you go like this. Moving on. Anybody got something else? Great. And then you move on. I left some tuna cookies in the kitchenette for everyone to try if they want to. So Jeff, you're a man of meditation. Yes. Yes, I am. You've got a, on your Instagram, you've got a handle where you tell us the meditation handle.

If anybody wants to follow. Yes, Jeff Coburn Meditation. I've gone down the road and I appreciate it. Can you give me some pointers of how to deal with my partner in crime here who drives me up a wall with his Betty impersonator? I'm being wild. I know. And as my mother says, it's too much. Too wild. And then, Jackie, maybe a little bit of this meditation could help you too because you're about to do something bold. You could buy him a meditation course for Christmas. Ooh.

That would go a long way toward chilling him out a little bit. Yes. And he wouldn't need quite so much attention. Wild ass. My mom's going to kill you.

Or just compartmentalize. The way to do it, if I may pitch on the pitch, would be to say, you come here and you say, I've been getting some complaints that some people are steamrolling the show a little bit. So I bought everyone some meditation courses for the holiday season. Jackie, thank you for the call. All right. Thanks, Jackie. Keep us posted.

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Hey. Hi. Welcome to... Hey, how's it going? Great, how are you? By the way, thank you for the positivity. Yeah, you're just... We were just going to plow through. Yeah, and how dare we? Agreed. How are you? I'm in jail for it. Yeah. What's happening? How are you doing? I'm doing great. I'm doing great, guys. Thanks for having me. I'm really excited to be here. We're really excited you're here. Jake, you doing good? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing fine. How are you? That sounds a little complicated. I'm great. Thank you. Okay, well, welcome to America's number one podcast. This isn't an intro. Don't look at the numbers. Are you trying to create a catchphrase? America's number one podcast. Can I get your name, roughly your age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, my name's Hannah. I'm 29, and I'm calling from North Carolina. Hannah? Kayla. No, Hannah. Hannah. Oh, damn it.

Oh, we're not keeping score, but so far I'm winning the call. Every time you try to create a catchphrase, I am too, and I'm going to do it. That's not it. It just becomes a series of nightmares. Guys, the caller's on. That's not it. America's number one podcast. That's not it. Oh, come on now. Hannah, 29, North Carolina. Talk to us. What's going on? So I'm calling in not

not something super weird, but I'm calling in because my husband flosses in the living room. He flosses in the living room. Flosses in the living room. Might not be too weird, but every time we're at his parents' house, they're all flossing in the living room. Now it's getting super weird. After dinner. And you know, what they want to do in their house is fine, but in our house, I would prefer that that stays in the bathroom. Yeah.

I think it's kind of gross. You're flicking stuff all over the place. So a lot of stuff is coming out during the flossing. Yeah. Yeah. And he has fantastic dental hygiene. Don't get me wrong. Cause he's comfortable flossing anywhere. He sure is, but I just don't appreciate it. And I've said something to him about it, but because he was raised that way, he thinks it's normal to do that. Uh, what's his name?

Jeff. Okay, so Jeff flosses in the living room. You've always been annoyed by it. But when you go to Jeff's mom and dad's house,

They also do, and it's like a weird pack of animals flossing their teeth on the living room couch. Yeah, and they leave the floss dispensers right next to the couch. Oh, that's too much. That's too much. I would say all of it's too much. Well, I have a confession. First, if it's about teeth, you've got to smile to the camera. I have a confession, and when we're talking about teeth, listen to me, the smile you can trust. Ding.

I have a tooth missing, Hannah. Even before this tooth was yanked out of my head two days ago to try to ultimately get a better smile going. Wait, this was cosmetic? It's not even cosmetic. I have no overbite. So I get like cavities because my front teeth touch. So it's a better... So I'm getting Invisalign to try to get a slight overbite. Are you becoming...

a vein maniac, Garf? We're too old for this. First of all, it's called Vaniac. And second of all, no. This is purely... So this is about... This is about preventing... Okay, never mind. Saving me money. Something you like. Yes, I like that. I can't go down the road. Yesterday, Gareth and I were talking on the phone. I don't do this. And he was on the Peloton during it because we made a chubby joke. You made a chubby joke three times. Gareth, hold on. Poor Gareth. Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. Hannah, I didn't know. Gareth, let me talk. Gareth.

Wait, I'm good. Gareth is very skinny. Thank you. He's very handsome. Thank you. It is a women like me. Men like me. Yes. A lot of women want to be me. Men want to fuck me. This is a joke that Gareth and I have done against our friend Steve Berg and each other forever. Recently, the Garth man is taking it personally and being on a pellet

You motivate me. So, no, I'm done. I love it. No, I need them. No, you don't. I'm afraid you're going to get less. You're the gas in the chub tank. I need it. Your teeth are perfect. My teeth are not, first of all. They're fine. They're fine. They're fine. I'm not doing this because I'm like, my teeth. I'm very, you get to our age, you're like, this is what it is. This is it. This is it. It ain't great. It's not great.

But Gareth, we're not chasing great physically. I'm not. This is a... My dentist was like this. But it will result... But is it like a weird Beverly Hills dentist who has classic surgery himself? No, no, no. She might, but everyone does a little now. No, Gareth! Get a different dentist! You can have a little bit of juice is fine, babe. But no, this is purely because I have no overbites. My teeth suck. I'm English. So she yanked it out of my head. Anyway, my point was going to be...

I remember probably about 10 years ago driving and I saw a guy flossing in his car and I was like, this is fucking disgusting.

because it is it's disgusting yeah i floss in my car now you do i do sometimes i'll floss in the car i have floss in the car it's not it's bad it's real bad so but i don't i am alone yes and it's just me it's my own little weird world but so i yeah i'm kind of i hear you hannah so i to me and i'm not a guy who flosses enough uh i'm a guy who didn't go to the dentist for 12 straight years

Jesus. And when I finally went in my late 20s, I had like 25 cavities. This was insurance-based probably, too. Yes, for sure. I remember that. When I finally got a commercial. Yeah, I know. You're like, hey. I was like, dude, I'm going to do everything in two weeks. Yeah, yeah. But I'm with you. The idea of watching a human, this feels very personal. Flossing your teeth feels close to me like wiping your butt.

Oh, come on. No. Hold on. Hold on. Hannah, are you with me on that? I am. One of my friends keeps insisting this is a bathroom activity. I agree. Just like wiping your ass. Yes. Flossing should be a bathroom activity. Yes. Now, here's where we're in a hard spot with Jeff.

Because he was raised this way. So if you're raised by wolves, you're going to act like a goddamn animal, right? Yeah. So, and you know, it happens to Tarzan. It happens to a bunch of us. In a lot of ways, I've had previous girlfriends and now my wife wonder if I was raised by animals because of how I behave in human society.

So I'm a little bit with Jeff on this. Is it wrong to ask for an example when it comes to this? I mean, everything. Okay. All right. I mean, the example would be how I behave as a human would be easier. Okay. I sometimes am clean and eat three meals at the right time. Right. And I sometimes sleep eight hours. Right. Right.

The rest is just like you watch a coyote live and eat. That's how I exist. Okay. Where you're like, did you sleep? Yeah. Yeah, I slept enough. What'd you eat? Garbage. How you doing? I ain't dead yet, so doing good.

Chase me a rabbit. Slept me three hours. You're a parent. Sad. Sad for them. So this isn't about Gareth's looks or my animal behavior. Sure. This is about Hannah and Jeff. And so here we are. Is this the question, Hannah? And I apologize. We're rambling, but this is our first one of the day. Yeah. So.

How do we get Jeff to stop flossing his fucking teeth in the living room? Is that the question? Yes. And and as a bonus to acknowledge that I'm right. OK, well, OK, well, I think I have a pitch to try to get both. OK, OK. The obvious pitch is you've talked to him.

You've said this. He says it's not weird. He says it's fine. So I guess it would be to sit, calm it up a little bit. And now you've got to make the living room your bathroom to some extent. I think this is right. Yeah. You've got to start moving some of your bathroom stuff into the living room. I know we said it was adjacent to wiping your ass, but I don't think we're there. No, we're not.

I think we moved the deodorant into the living room. I think we maybe have a handheld mirror in the living room. I think maybe we were doing makeup in there. And I'll tell you one that drives me fucking crazy that people seem to think is okay is where they trim their nails. Agreed. If you start trimming your nails in the living room and saying this is a bathroom activity that you're moving to the living room, what's wrong with that? So, Hannah...

In terms of that, this is an interesting play. This is the old fight fire with fire routine that the Garfman goes through. And on one of the calls, I think we called it fight the 70s Bush with the 70s Bush. That's right. Absolutely. A Bush merge. I do remember that one. A Bush feud. So I think we're leaning in that direction to start. What is something that you do in the bathroom besides wiping your butt? Because that is a romance killer. You're only 29. You got at least another decade more of pretending to like sleeping with each other.

So what is something that you do in the bathroom that you find gross that you could bring to the living room and make him grossed out?

This doesn't necessarily gross him out, but he really hates when I paint my nails. He hates the smell. So I can do that right there on the coffee table next to him. I'm ready for my pitch. This is based off Garf's pitch. Okay. I wouldn't do it at random times. I would carry the nail polish with you. When the floss comes out, the nail polish comes out. That's pretty good. When the floss goes away, even if you're a finger and a half deep out of your left hand,

It goes away. And you say, shall we both do this in private? Yeah. Or shall we both get this? Are we done with the bathroom share? Yeah. Are we done with the bathroom living room? Or shall we, like, how do you want to do this, Jeffrey? And he goes, I want to floss my teeth the way my wolf parents taught me. And that's in public. And you go, well, then my wolf parents taught me to do my fingernails. Hey, Jeff, you're the captain now. And then let him say at a certain point,

All right. You're right. I want to go in the bathroom. I don't want to smell that. I don't want to see it. I'm in favor of that pitch. But again, options are always helpful. A third option. Do you have the same dentist as Jeff? I do. We just started going to a new dentist, actually. Listen, this is what I would do. This is just another idea.

Next time you go to the dentist, explain to the dentist the predicament and see what the dentist thinks. And the dentist is probably going to be like, hey, I'm around teeth all day, but I still think that's gross.

and you right you could go sideways it could go sideways but then jeff doesn't need to know that's true then you then you you plant some seeds with the dentist that next time jeff comes in you want the dentist to to sort of try to move him away how jeff are you flossing a lot oh yeah i floss all the time oh good okay because yeah you don't have a lot of plaque in between these teeth and then he you're not flossing in your living room yeah you're not you know you don't have to floss more than once you know what going off that that there could be something there hannah

You could ask the dentist if there's anything in the teeth that is, like, bad. Ooh, that's good, too. Because part of this stuff, when you're saying stuff's going around, is there's nothing good in between your teeth. That's plastic. That's disgusting stuff. Yeah. You don't want that on a couch. Meals of old. Yeah, you don't want that on your remote. Meals of old is a cool idea for, like, a dive bar slash kitchen. Let's sidebar after we solve that. Let's cut that, Kevin, in case we put a lot of money into it. Yeah, please. So...

Here's what I would recommend. Option C. And this is not involving a dentist. And I'm going to tell you why I would move away from that. You're starting a potentially weird conversation with a dentist. You can do it. Dentists are great. Sometimes. Look at what happened to you. Come on. Ripped your tooth out. So she left town. She'll be back. So here's what I would do. I would do a little internet searching, Hannah. And I think what you're going to find is that the bacteria in between the teeth

is harmful it's bad stuff it's why we put you don't snob rocket in the kitchen no it's gross we got to go to you a little bit hannah where are you at what are you thinking so i'm liking all the ideas i think we've got some great material to work with here i think some possibilities jeff is really stubborn and strong-headed so i can see that the negative reinforcement situation isn't going to work okay is there a world in which

a positive reinforcement, like a Pavlov dog situation to work where every time he flosses in the bathroom, he's rewarded in some way. This is like a plan, a backup plan. Interesting. Sure. If you feel like combat is not the direction. So you don't think fire with fire is going to work with Jeff. Cause you'll just create a war where your living room will just turn into a bathroom and it's going to be a disgusting mess. So, yeah. So in terms of rewards,

what's something that you have to offer Jeff that Jeff really likes, Hannah? Is there anything you can think of? Woman with a man has that a man is into. Just to clarify, make sure I'm picking up what you're putting down. Am I like

to flash Jeff every time he flosses in the bathroom. - Not a bad start. - Well, we're, Hannah, at this point, we're asking not to tell him. - Yeah, we're in a precarious position where I don't think we can necessarily be the barter pitcher. - Yeah, but also, I don't know what's gonna work. So you tell us, Hannah, what is something that you know your husband, 'cause we thought fire with fire and you said you just don't know the players involved, it's not gonna work. - Yeah, we're talking fucking with fire. - So what is going to work here?

Is it flashing? If you walk in there while he's doing in the bathroom and you show him your boobs, is he going to be at Mardi Gras and be like, yeah, man. Or is he going to go, Hannah, you good? Yeah. It'd be great. I like those. Let's keep it to the bedroom. So what do you think? That's a bedroom act.

Disgusting. Put those disgusting melons away. What are you doing? The animal. So you tell us, Hannah, and then we'll lock in a plan together. Again, we're on your corner, but you're the boxer here. I honestly think that that's the one thing I'm always going to have on me when I'm in the bathroom. If that's what we got to do, it might just be the trick. I don't know. What about this? Because yes, that's nice, but...

If he's expecting that night, you know, what's the old saying? If you give away the milk for free, why buy the cow? Yep. So here's my other thought of it. If he loves to floss while watching TV and then you think like, well, when you're in the bathroom, you'll see your boobs and he goes like, well, I'll probably see your boobs tonight when you're getting in bed. So I didn't see him at 830. I'll see him at 10. What if there's a vibe that if he flosses that night when he goes to do the like,

You tired? And leans over. You go, not tonight, floss boy. I don't hate that either. And he goes, what? And you go, I'm sorry, Jeff, watching you floss in the living room. Apart from what your mommy and daddy said, it's not a turn on for me. You would have to go in the direction of when you flossed in the bathroom, that turned me on. Yes. That's what it would have to be. And when you're in the living room, it turns me off. So really, Jeff, you're the winner here. Up to you.

I love you no matter what. And I'm so excited to be with you if you floss in the bathroom like a human boy. Yeah. Anna? Where are you at, girl? We've given some options. I think she's liking this. Yes. But this is hers, not ours. Yes, yes.

I think so. I think like the nail polish in the living room might be like an easy low hanging fruit. Just see if it works that I don't have to commit something that might escalate and spiral out of control. It won't. It won't. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why it won't get out of control. He's going to break.

This is taking away water from someone in the desert. They might say, like, I don't need it. He's going to go, who cares about flossing in the living room? I'd rather have sex with my wife. Yeah. What am I fighting here? I think it's right. I mean, I really do. What am I fighting? Yes, it is shocking how much sex will really motivate a man. Yeah, but also, it's intimacy. It's saying, like, I'm taking this from you. Yeah. So, Hannah, what do you think about doing this move here? And that is...

playfully withhold, and then playfully...

Release the damn. Reinforce. What do you think? I think there is no other way to go in this situation. I think this is the answer. And maybe the answer to more than one problem that I have about it. Well, guess what? He might not admit it, but you'll admit to yourself in nine years after you got this guy wrapped around your finger, you're right. You got the golden ticket, girl. You got magic bumps.

All right. Please follow up with us. Yeah, let us know how that goes. Absolutely. I will, guys. Thank you so much. Thanks, Hannah. Thanks, guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. That was a HeadGum Podcast.