47: Knuckle Deep in my Mouth with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen
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And welcome to another...

beautiful episode. We got a fun one. Of America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. We're here to help. We sure do, Jay. We got a fun one. Well, we did their podcast. Yes. The Broad Ideas Podcast. Yes. And while we were doing it, they said to us, you could use our studio, but you should do video. And they said, how do you do it? And I said, we do it. This is Rachel Bilson.

And Olivia Allen. And they said, how do you do it? We said, we do it over Zoom. And they said, well, you guys are good together. You really should do it in person. They commented on how handsome, where they were like, you're handsome guys. They did. You have model good. It's like hanging out with two James Deans. Okay, they did. And we took their advice. And so we appreciate them a lot. Yes. So if you have not heard their show,

Start with our episode. Yeah, they say that's one of their favorite ones. So start there. Give their show a listen. But we're very lucky to have them on our show today. We have one of the best solutions. It's really good. It's really good. We're very happy with this. We honestly rushed this episode out because we were like, this is so good. Let's just get it going. Yes. So yeah, give it a listen.

We appreciate it. I mean, maybe the last time we'll say it, Jake's movie, Self-Reliance. Go check it out. I think we can be done saying this. This is the last one. Self-Reliance. On Hulu right now. And then...

It won't be the last time we say this. Garf, man, where are you going to be? I'm going to be all over the place from Las Vegas to New Orleans. Go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. How do you spell that as Gil Buchanan? G.A.R.E.T.H.R.E.Y.N.O.L.D.S. dot com. You'll go to the tour dates and that'll send you to slash. And if you're at his show and it's wrapping up and he's saying thank you, maybe yell from the audience.

Take us out with Gil Buchanan. Sure, whatever you want. Listen, if you show up and I'm walking on stage, you can yell whatever the hell you want. Let's have every live Garf show have a little bit of Gilly Buchanan. Gilly being Buchanan, Alice and I are not on the rocks. We're stronger than ever. What if you had, you know, before a stand-up comes out, somebody does the like, you know him from, what if Gil did your own intro? It's hard. It's hard.

Is it? There's a timing thing, but we could try. Oh, because somebody's on stage doing it? Whenever I go like in Australia, you have to back announce yourself a lot. Meaning what? Meaning you have to go, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your headlining comedian, Gareth Redd. You're like, that's me, pretty obviously. So that is a good tactic for there, no doubt. And then what happens in the States? Like the MC will bring it up. So they do like an opener and bring it up. I got you. Yeah, exactly. I got you.

But either way, it would be a pleasure. It would be a pleasure. Thank you guys for listening to the show and telling your friends. And without further ado...

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And we're brought to you by Philo. You know Philo. We love Philo. Philo's got current seasons of shows that I and Jake and Shark can't miss on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. I've got shows like The Office, Martin. If you haven't watched Martin, and The Office, Martin's a great show.

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Now we're ready? Yes. Okay, here we go. Well, that was a weird start, Kevin. Well, yeah, we think something strange is probably happening on this call, but let's get into it. Whoever you are, we'll get to that in a minute. You're on We're Here to Help. Sorry, America's number one podcast. You're on with Jake Johnson. America's number two podcast. He's joining us. Yes. We can give them number one. Oh, come on. All right. You're on America's...

You're on with a couple of great podcasts that are tied for America's number one. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Rachel Bilson, and Olivia Allen. They're the hosts of the Broad Ideas podcast. So listen, not to put any pressure on your call, but this is really...

This is a big one. And if you guys have not heard their podcast, you need to. It's a lot of fun. Jake and I were on it. We're on it. So start with ours over there and then listen to all the rest. But we're excited you guys are here. It is the best one. I'm not just saying. Oh, is that right? We do recommend it when people are like, what should we listen to? So all of our We're Here to Help fans, go check out their podcast. Listen to the four of us chat. We had so much fun. They told us you guys need to be in studio. That's right. Everyone needs to see your faces there.

We listened. Now here we are. And you guys came to ours and we appreciate it. We appreciate it. We appreciate it. Right before we started, they said they had a pitch for a movie idea for us. So let's hear the pitch again. No, go ahead, ladies. You see what I do there? I'm a rat.

You are a ref. Yeah. That was you committing to it. That's right. So the movie pitch is just simply something about we all swap in some hotel room. We don't swap. It's just... Yeah, I'm not going to get into the details. It's too much. It is too much. You guys will see about it on Deadline. That's right. Yeah.

Absolutely. I can't wait. And by the way, Jake and I are already in. I don't know if we said that already. We signed the deal. And Rachel and I saw each other on Halloween. We sure did. Randomly on the street. You were a cowgirl or a cowwoman. Oh, yeah. I had to throw. Yes, I threw on a cowwoman. That's a great adjustment. Hello, cowwoman. Well, I think I called you. You called me something. I called you something that you said like, this isn't right. You were like, you're a cowgirl.

- Cow, cow she. - I think I called you a girl cowboy. - A girl cowboy? - And you said, that's not how it says. And then she said, and what are you, a man in a garbage bag? - And you were, you were a man in a garbage bag. - It's actually a trash guy. - It was a last second, I realized that he had a costume.

And that street that we partied on together is a big kid mania street. Yes. And I thought, my wife said, you got to wear something. And she goes, maybe it's a cape. And when I got there, the first person I saw said, what are you, garbage? And it was a night of people saying, so you're just literally trash for Halloween? And I went like, I think there was another plan. But at this point, I'm just trash. I think my first thought was Silver Linings Playbook, which was a little bit of a step up from garbage. That's what I did. Didn't they wear trash bags?

trash bags in that movie? Yeah, he did. But Jake, yeah, I think he did. He did at one point. I'm a film guy. He runs it. I don't watch those movies. I'm a film guy. I don't know these movies. Lainey, let's go back to you. Can we get your age, please? Yes, I'm twenty five. Twenty five. Where are you calling from, Lainey? I'm from Michigan. Michigan. What part do you mind telling us? It matters. Oh, it does. OK, difference between north and south. Absolutely. You said Western Michigan.

Western Michigan, right on the lake. Oh, gorgeous. I grew up right on that same lake. Same here, Jake. Don't try to think you're better than us. Keep going. He's so sensitive. All right, Laney. Something happened. Nothing happened. We're just lake buddies. That's all I'm saying. We're lake buddies. Yeah, we're lake pals. Relax. We're not. We are. God, Laney, listen to Jake. He just doesn't want to align himself with anyone. He's got to be on an island all along. That's why we call him Mackinac. Laney, what is the issue? What's going on?

I moved away from West Michigan for about five years. And when I came back, I went back to my childhood dentist office and I was just getting, you know, a normal, a normal, you know, cleaning. But I also needed to be fitted for a

A night guard because I grind my teeth at night. So they got to put that like putty in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they do. They fill your mouth with putty. Yeah. You bite down. I mean. Yeah. And it's spilling out of your mouth on the sides. Yeah. Jake, are you a dentist? I mean, you're using all the technical terms. Olivia and I are dentists. Yeah. We went to school for it, but we quit. Yeah.

We got in a podcast game together. Okay, so you've got this. So the dentist threw a bunch of putty in your mouth and it was leaking all over your face. Okay, so you're getting fitted for your night. Important. Yep. Important note, not the dentist, the assistant put it all over my face. Okay. You know, and then they take it out, whatever. They're going to do the impression. They don't show you yourself. So I still have the putty.

All over my face and mouth. It's not a flattering moment. No, no. And then this is where the problem comes in. Talk to us. In walks the dentist. Let's get right quickly. Let's give him a name. Let's give him a name. He's hot. He's hot. Olivia wants to know, was he hot? That's coming. Okay. But yes, his name, we can call him John. Dr. John. Dr. John.

Dirty John. Dirty. Olivia just pitched. Can we call him Dirty John? May we? Of course we can call him Dirty John. Dr. Dirty John. Okay.

Well, that's the name of the movie they pitched us, actually. It is. You're not far off. You're not far off. Okay, so hold on. So, Lainey, we're back. You went to your childhood dentist. The assistant puts a bunch of putty in your mouth. You're just not looking great. A super hot dentist, Dr. Dirty John, walks in, and now you're back in charge. Yeah, well, I was expecting my old childhood dentist to walk in. So I'm not expecting anything. I look up.

I look up into the beautiful light above me and there he is, you know, and I'm like, who are you? You know, not no. I don't know. I have the party all over my mouth. We start chatting. He introduces himself and he is extremely hot. Right. I can't tell if he's wearing a ring because he's got the gloves on because he's about to be knuckled deep in my mouth. Yeah. Wow. And Kevin, we got a title.

Okay, so he's about to be knuckles deep in your mouth. Yeah, I guess my question is, do you guys think I should go for it? And if so, what route should I take? And asking him out or... Hold on, Lainey. Hold on, Lainey. Lainey, hold on. Hold on, Lainey.

You're doing what I love, but you're doing it too fast. Yeah. I hate the middle. Jake never has this problem. Lainey, everything about you I like so far, but I will say, God damn it. We got to slow down a little bit. Right. So my question is like, how was he in your mouth? Nice. Great question. Oh, that is a good question. Yeah. Come on. Rachel already created a clip for us. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, um,

How were his fingers in your mouth? I mean, the name says it all. He's Dr. Dirty John. It was wonderful in my mouth. But hold on, is that real? Because...

Sometimes people are in your mouth or in your body, you know, in terms of medicine and there's nothing. And sometimes it is something. I don't know. Is that true? Have you had something? Jake, what the hell? That went sideways. Jake, what if you... I'm getting nervous. That went sideways. Jake, please, for everyone, because we all have a similar reaction, which is what? Which I didn't expect. And I know. And I can tell. I can tell. I really thought that was going to be a universal, of course. So what did you just say? Um...

I said that there are... Kevin. Yeah. Quit your giggling back there. I think you need to slow down and tell us what you're talking about. We're here to help, sweet lady. But wait, but wait. What did you just say? What do you mean? I said sometimes there are situations where you'll go to a procedure and it is just what it is. And other times you go...

- That was amazing. - A little bit more fun. - Okay. - Interesting. So this makes me really uncomfortable 'cause my husband's a doctor. - Oh wow. - Okay? - Does Jake go to him? He better not. - And I know you liked it. No. - I didn't, so did he, bitch. - I do get nervous about that. - Keep checking, there's something further up. - And guess what? We had a wonderful 45 minutes.

Remember when Jake came back after his appointment with Chipotle and asked if they wanted to eat together? But so my question to you, Lainey, is when the procedure started, was it by the book? Was it science? Was it flirty? Was it fun? What happened?

Well, that was pretty run of the mill. You know, he just checked me out inside my mouth and it was good. Everything was good there. But then after we did chat a little because my brothers own a dental lab where they make dentures.

implants and, you know, fake teeth. Sure. It was a good start. So then we kind of had a connection over that. And he was like, oh, yeah, I know your brother is like your family. So fun. Blah, blah, blah. Like, it seemed like it was going going good, you know, skeptical for some reason. I don't know why, but we just did a look like we were on the same page. I did. I admitted in the middle. I'm confused. I noticed. Yeah. But I was like, yeah,

Well, because she was saying that they were talking about this stuff and I was going in my mind, okay, that's... Oh, like good start? No. Oh, like nothing. I was like, that sounds like typical dentist talk. Yes. Really? I mean, I could imagine. Is there typical dentist talk? There's some. I feel like there's a...

post-coital chat after every yeah I'm kind of with you Olivia it's not like what you were talking about it's like what's your favorite cocktail you have on the beach you're talking about my brothers also do this for a living do what you do and I know the company and maybe we could hook up in business with you and them right yeah

It wasn't like our pitch that we came in with this morning. Great pitch, but you know. And so Lainey, I'm with her. My head nod was premature, but now that I've caught up to it, I agree. So there's nothing really flirty happening. You're just chatting dentist stuff.

and he put his fingers in your mouth, but for you it was fun for him. He's looking to see if you need a fucking retainer. I'll tell you what doesn't get a lot of people boners is being like, you do need a retainer. So don't forget to put the night guard in because your teeth grind a lot. Am I already in the grave, Vanessa?

him out because he knows I wear a night guard. First of all, I just need to say this right before we started. Olivia said, don't worry. I give great advice. I really do. Yes. And she's leaning in. Her body has changed. Her positioning is ready. She's doing a lot of the stuff without even saying it. Just so you know, Lainey, her vibe is a lot of child. Please. Am I on child? Please. Yes. Well, I think there's a lot more that needs to happen before you ask him out. One, did you look him up?

Great question. Yeah, I looked him up. What'd you find? I can't find him anywhere. Oh, not sus. On social media. Sus. Sus? Maybe he's got a lot of riz. Really? Jake's obviously got a lot of riz. Jake's just forcing riz in where he can. I only know two, sus and riz. So you couldn't find him anywhere? No, I couldn't find him on any social. Okay, that's not bad. Okay. Have you prank called the office? You asked that like it's normal. Yeah, I know.

Like, what do you mean? By prank call, do you mean like call? Hi, I'm calling for so-and-so's wife. Are they around? He doesn't have a wife. Wow, this is really good. I think you've done this way too many times. This is great. That's how she got her husband. Yeah, right. Lainey, have you? Have you called the office? No, no, no.

the issue with that is whenever i call like to do appointment can you i don't know can you still start 67 people whenever i call to do appointments actually you're totally right hi delaney it's a cell phone era because they know it is a cell phone era number comes up i don't know can you call from a friend's phone i know you need to know if he's married before you ask him out i don't know if that's true i know i know i think it's true he needs to know if he's married before he says yes

You're right. If you're just the person interested, that's not your job to do all that homework, in my opinion. But has there only been one encounter? Just that one in the mouth? There's been two appointments. The way she says things is odd. I like it. Just one real quick. Is it or is it just straight to the point? Wham, bam, dental exam. Different. Okay, there's been two exchanges between you guys? Yeah. What happened on the next one?

The second one, I could tell he didn't recognize me at first, but then his face kind of lit up a little. Wait, he did. He did recognize. Did or did not? It took him a beat, and then he lit up. Yeah, yeah. He didn't at first. And then he was like, oh, how are you? Like, oh, I just saw your brother downtown, and I wanted to say hi to him, but I didn't know if it would be weird. You know what? And I was like, oh. Huh.

Here's what you've got. I don't know. What? You've got a great advantage that maybe we're not taking full, we're not using yet, which you're

Your brother. Your brother. Yeah. Your brother. I already asked them. They said no. I agree. What do you mean? They said no to what? I'm getting in the middle of this thing. They're trying to sell equipment to him. They don't want to hook up their little sister. Yeah, but you can easily be like, oh, this one's great. By the way, it's a lot of stuff. Can your wife help you bring some of it into the house? Right. All we want to know is if he has a wife. Yes. And I don't think that's all we want to know. I want to know how she is with rejection. Lainey? Yeah. Lainey, how are you with rejection? Yeah. Yeah.

i mean i can i can take it okay but i'm not scared of the rejection i'm scared of the dentist appointments in the future being awkward but there's other dentists

Well, you know how dentistry is. You got a good dentist. You got to hang on to you. You know how it is. You know, Dennis, I like it. Yeah, I like everything about you, Lainey. Yeah. You never tried to bang your dentist to come back for a cavity. Jesus Christ. Lainey, have you ever taken laughing gas?

- No, she had something here. I know where she's going. - Okay, it's really a great time. I don't know if you guys have ever had it, but I have to get it to get any work done. - I've done it outside of the dentist's office many times. - Me too. - Lots of whippets in the car. - Yes, in high school out of a balloon. - Hold on, hold on, Olivia, you're on to something. - So one of the last times I got work done, I got the laughing gas and I told the dentist, like, "I really like coming here. "Can I come here even when my work is done?"

And he kind of giggled and he was like, it's working to his assistant. Like basically she's under the spell. So my dear Lainey, I get really, really nervous. I need something to take the edge off if I get any work done. And then once it kicks in,

You have a planned little monologue about, I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't even know what I'm saying. I can't trust myself right now. I've had a crush on you since the first moment I saw you. I want to go out with you. Then you can blame it on the ass. She starts spitting things out that are like, you know what I mean? It could go sideways. You're all I think about. But hold on. Yeah.

You said before you give it good advice. I called you out and you just gave good advice. Because right now I still think we're in this setup. But Lainey, I think that's a real home run. Because if you go in there and you're high, right? Yeah. And you go... Anything's excusable. Yes. And you go like this. Oh my God. And you're keeping your fucking head on straight as hard as you can. And you go...

I when I walked in, I was expecting this old guy from my childhood. You're so fucking hot. The nurse will laugh and you'll go. And I'm so fucking single and I would love to go out with you. And he goes, it's working. And you go, yeah, it's working. I'm being honest. And then he goes, well, I'm not sure my wife would appreciate this.

Then you could say afterwards, I'm so embarrassed. And he'll go, you were on laughing gas. Now you guys will have a sweet thing, but it's not weird. You do that sober. It's different. Yes. Yeah. But we might be on to something here now. Or just go to your dentist completely fucked up. Yeah. Shut up.

No. We're not even going down the road of show up drunk. Show up with a Bloody Mary. Yeah, yeah. Let's get this over with. Where's Dr. Hot? Well, because the beauty of that is if it goes... Put me in the fuck chair, Dr. Hot. Because the beauty of that is if it goes sideways, he goes...

She came in blackout drunk and sexually harassed me. That's right. It's hilarious. No, we don't want that. So hold on. All right. Now you're being that dentist, Jake. Hold on. The second appointment, we have not gotten the details of what happened. Oh, yeah. The first one, he's cute. He puts his fingers in your mouth. You like it. Oh, the second appointment was that he ran and saw your brother, but didn't say anything. But he lit up when he saw her. Lit up.

And then what happened? His face did do a little light up. He said he saw my brother and he should have asked him to have a beer when they were downtown. Yeah, so he's making the move. Or he likes guys. Or he likes beer. Either way, your brother or him are getting banged like a cavity. Go, Jay. No, but he's saying that so that you could be at that beer.

Right. Why would you say then he said what? So he said, I should have asked your brother for a beer, right? Yeah. Then he said, well, then he said that he's like, yeah, it seems like you have a really, really fun family. Oh, there's something here. I don't know if that meant anything. I think I don't know. I know I'm feeling vibe. I'm feeling vibes too. How old is he? Sixty eight.

It is the childhood dentist. It turns out it is. And at this point, we're going to say, all right, Lainey, awesome. We never asked what Dr. Dirty John looked like. He's probably early 30s. Yeah, okay. Okay. There's a chance. I mean, if you go to the college in the dental school and stuff, like mathematically, you got to be early 30s. Yeah, I agree. You're not going to have an 18-year-old dentist unless it's a prodigy.

Also, though, can't you just ask the assistant? I would go to a Doogie Howser. I'm just thinking about the Doogie Howser inventive. My dream, honestly, this isn't a joke, is to find, because I don't have a great doctor. Yeah. I'm looking for a Doogie Howser. I got one. You do? You want a teenager? I want a fucking 17-year-old prodigy who goes like, you know, do-do-do-do-do-do.

Cancers. That's fine. But I want that outside the box thinker, kid genius. I probably won't be in medicine in 10 years. I'm giving you 10 years of my life, man. Let's figure this out.

It's it's a you have a point. It's a dream. Everyone has a dream. My intuition's telling me for some reason he's taken. He's taken. But here's here's what I would want to know. I mean, he's a hot dentist. You probably but you miss every shot you don't take. Yeah, you got to take the shot. But can you ask the assistant and say, gosh, he really reminds me of someone. Is he married to me?

Oh, that's good. But hold on. That is good. Once again, you got it good. But here's my question to you, Olivia. Yes. Why are we asking so many questions about this guy's life? All we want to do is ask him out.

Yeah, but I don't know. So you're saying just go and be like, are you married? I would say. Ask him out. You want to know the real reason? I do. Because I'm serious. I think I'm a little protective because I have a really hot husband who's a doctor. And I guarantee you on the daily, he walks in with his blue eyes and his gloves and people are, mm-hmm.

I would not want women asking him out. Really? I would want them. No. I'd want them to have respect for the fact. You'd want him to say, I'm taking. Yeah, but I'd like to avoid it. Like, I don't know. It feels like woman code in a way. Like, if he has a wife, like, I don't find that really respectful.

I don't know. I don't want to be a home wrecker. That's another part. We're not talking about ruining a home. He would be ruining the fucking home. I might be a bit protected, but I'd rather know if I'm going to ask someone out that they're at least available. So Olivia says do a lot of homework before the test. No, she disagrees. I'm just taking it all in. Yeah. You know? I would say if you find this guy attractive and you know where he works,

That sounds threatening. Is that a threat? No. May is a long time for a fucking hot dentist. As Olivia knows, you got to get your teeth into this guy right away because there's a lot of people grabbing at him. So you could wait until May. But guess what might happen in March?

Dirty John might fall in love. And guess what? He might be right now available inside and look at someone's mouth right now. He's in some woman's mouth and she's going like, he's not bad looking. Yeah. Oh, this doesn't feel terrible. Do I need to retain? So what I would say to you is,

you're not going to score unless you fucking shoot the ball. Right. So get your ass there and ask his ass out. Or just find out if he's married. It's not necessarily asking him out, Olivia. No, but her point was like, don't, you know. But how? She Googled him? She had to find out if he's married. Olivia said, prank called off. It's like a cycle. But she also said, she could be like, does he go here? I thought I saw him with his wife the other day. But who is this mythical person she's talking to? It's a mistake identity. The receptionist. So, hi.

Hi, welcome to blah, blah, blah dentistry. Hi, this is Laney. I have an appointment in May. Can I see the dentist with his wife at a racquetball court? In January? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I will call him right now. Oh, shit. I will call the office right now. Stop for a second, Laney. Laney, do you feel comfortable with Olivia calling? We will beep out the name of the place. Yeah. But can you give us the name of the dentist's office?

Yeah, let me. This is great. And then, Kevin, how do we do this? Do you just want me to give you the phone number? We need to send people like you to Washington. Lainey, here's what's going to happen. Here's what we're pitching to you. You're going to give us the name. Olivia is going to call in as somebody else, not you. And her goal is going to be to try to find out if the dentist is married. How she's going to do that, we're going to see. We don't know. She doesn't even know, I think. None of this will come back to you.

There'll be no link to you and we will beep out the name. Except when the whole office listens to this podcast. Yep. Which could be helpful. Well, it's America's, it's tied for, it's a two. You see, Rachel, honey, you're not supposed to say that. We're in the sales job. We're selling this woman. They'll play it at their wedding. They'll play it at their wedding. Now, Laney, is this something you're comfortable with?

Yeah. Do you want me to just give you the number? Yes, we do. So how do we do it? Say the number. I'll call it and then put it on speakerphone and hand it over. Okay. And then just hold it near the mic. Okay. Okay. Okay. How can I help you? Hi, this is Sandra and I am calling to organize a thank you delivery for and his wife. What is her first name? Sure. I'm new here. So let me just put you on a brief hold. Okay. Okay. Thank you so much. Her name is...

Okay, thank you so much.

And that's how it's done. Oh my God. I'm impressed. That was fucking great. I'm floored. Olivia, how do you feel? I'm floored right now. I feel good. You must feel euphoric. I do. I feel really good. That's like, you just pulled off something major. I knew it in my intuition. I knew he was married. Holy shit. Now let's come up with ways where she can still ask him out. Ladies.

- Lainey, thank you for the call. - Yeah, Lainey, thank you. - This one's all. - Now you can keep going to the dentist. - This is a game changing moment. - He saved me. - Yes. - She saved you, she taught us all, she humbled me. - Yes, very humbled. - Your early versions of how you're gonna do this, you have far transcended.

I am nervous around you. Yeah. I'm impressed. I know. I, 30 years and I'm, I don't even know you. That was great. That was great. That was, that was masterclass. That's Riz. That's Riz. Thank you for the call, Lainey. Thanks, Lainey. Thanks, Lainey. Bye.

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Hi. Hi there. How's it going? Oh, good. How are you? Oh, great. I hope you're excited. We got a banger for you. You buckled in. I'm super excited. I guess so. So are we. But it's not just Jake and I today. OK, you also have from the Broad Ideas podcast, you have Olivia Allen and Rachel Bilson. So we are guaranteed to solve this. Yeah, it's a big deal. So don't be nervous. Keep your problem where it was at. OK, but what is your name? Age, roughly where you're calling from, and then we'll get into it.

Okay. My name is Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm 35 and I'm calling from Dayton, Ohio. Oh, it's cold right now. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the podcast and also a fan of Nick Miller and Brian the Security Guard. We appreciate you. I don't know if you guys, I don't know if you've finished New Girl, but season eight, Brian the Security Guard kind of becomes a bit of a player. That's my character. The whole show. Well, like a

Better than a Paul. He doesn't like to get Paul blarded. That's not exactly the zone, right? He was a co-star and the show only went seven seasons. Maggie, you know, keep going. All right, Maggie. Right. Dating funny bunch. All right, Maggie, we're all having fun. Jake decided that some of the characters on New Girl aren't as important as the others. What's going on? So I am a mom of two young kids. Congrats. My daughter is three and a half. She's my oldest. Okay.

So my daughter is a big fan of, she's a big fan of mermaids. But, you know, it didn't occur to me. I thought it was a cute interest at first, but she actually thinks mermaids are real. And this came up, we were talking about it, and she asked where mermaids live, how do we like go see mermaids? And I mentioned to her that they weren't actually real. Now, she didn't believe me. And my husband, Kevin, thinks that

we should just let her keep believing in mermaids. And I talked to some of our friends and they agree with him that we should just let her keep believing. We're talking about a three and a half year old, correct? Yeah, that's young. Just to be clear, we're not talking about like a 25 year old, a kid from your first marriage, right? I think we know Jake's take. Three and a half. Three and a half years old, yes. Okay, so keep going. So some people are like, let her believe, but you have a conviction that she should know the truth about the snake. He's like, goo goo gaga, and you're like, nothing's real. Yeah, exactly.

I want to see Easter Bunny. Well, it's fucking a lie. Everybody dies. Everybody dies, including me. You love me so much, I won't be here forever. I'm deteriorating, and guess what, little girl? Same with you. You love your little brother? He's dead too. Three and a half.

You want to talk about mermaids? Let me tell you about what's happening in the Middle East. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, keep going, Maggie. Sorry. Okay. So, you know, some things, you know, she can sort of, you know, believe. And actually, after talking with friends, I was like, okay, maybe everyone's right because it seemed like everyone, you know –

thought that that i was wrong to tell her three and a half oh understood i get it so you're the only person who believes let's just be more honest with our kids is that correct and your world is saying well i guess i never thought about this whole the mermaid talk before like when maggie what's your stance on uh santa do you tell her that a man comes down your chimney

We do. And we do the whole Santa thing. We plan on doing that for at least several years. Sure. And what's your stance on tooth fairies? How are we living on tooth fairies? This happened last night. I'd like to share. One second, Maggie. Go ahead. I was just going to say this. Olivia Allen brought ideas. Keep going. This just happened last night or this morning. My son lost his tooth.

And he said to me this morning, "Mom, are you the tooth fairy?" And he's eight. I don't like lying to him. We do the whole Santa thing, but instead of saying, "No, I'm not the tooth fairy."

there is no such thing as the tooth fairy. I said, oh my gosh, I wish that would be so cool. I wish I was the tooth fairy, you know? And so then he was like, yeah, this is the direction I went into. And you teased me about, remember, this was the move I do. I do the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. No, I liked it. Cause I do. My kids are, my kids are 10. Yeah. And they still believe. Well, no, they'll go. Everybody at school has told us there's no Santa and they cornered my wife and she admitted it. Oh,

And so they go, we want you to admit it. And I go, I wish I could say that. Exactly. I don't know. I go, she go, they'll go, we know what you're doing. I'll go, I don't even know what I'm doing. Right. Am I positive that there's a Santa? No. Am I positive there's not? Right. No. Right. Rachel, where do you stand on this? Online? Yeah. To my child? Well, yeah. I do it daily. I stand firm. Oh, you mean about Santa? I don't care. Yeah.

I told him the truth on that years ago. Yeah, and I was like, and you're going to die, just like we said. So here's kind of where the issue of this mermaid thing. Okay. Because I was all set to let her keep believing in mermaids. Because I even asked her, you know, I found out she didn't believe me because I asked her, do you think mermaids are real? And she says, yes. And then she goes, I don't think fish are real. Oh, wow.

I like your kid. I love this. We read this book at the library about this girl who doesn't know she's a mermaid until she goes swimming and her legs get stuck together and eventually turn into a tail. We are getting ready to take a family trip to Florida. A few days ago, she said that she was worried that when she goes swimming, her legs are going to get stuck together. This is where the mermaid issue comes in, so that

So that's all ready to have her believe. But now, you know, she's three. So it's hard to tell what's really going on in her head. She's three. She said it seemed like she was worried about it. Well, I'll tell you what, when you get to Florida, the problem is going to solve itself. Yeah.

So we know Florida is going to answer a lot of these questions. Yes. But the one you're in right now, Maggie, is should you continue this belief that mermaids are real or should you go with your conviction apart from what the people in your life say and tell her, here's the truth, my little daughter, mermaids are bullshit. How do you know the truth?

I'm with you. I really am. I am too. Have we been to the bottom of the ocean? Yeah. Here we go. There could absolutely be mermaids. I've never seen one. Yes. No, true. We've never seen one. You can say that. I've never seen one. We've never seen a Sasquatch, but Steve Berg started his podcast. High strangeness. Maggie, is that the kind of root of the question? What do I do now?

I'm trying to figure out what we could specifically help you with. Cause this doesn't seem like it's a picture, right? Your question seems to be more, do I continue the lie or do I end the lie or am I phrasing that? Right. Yeah. Like, do I continue, you know, letting her believe mermaids are real and kind of worrying about things like her legs being stuck together? Well, or should I tell her they're not real? And all I would do is, um,

I would prep her for the reality that if she goes to Florida, her legs might not stick together. And that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but don't be freaked out. We'll have a good trip either way. And then, yeah, I don't think you have to rip off the mermaid band-aid just yet. Rachel, where are you at? I mean, I think three people on this podcast believe in the existence of mermaids, to be quite honest with you. I still think I am one. I choose to believe. I choose to believe. That's why I won't go to the ocean. She's so young, and I think it's...

part of the beauty of a young child is like this these beliefs and magic and whatnot and I would fully support that because guess what there comes a time where they don't believe in shit anymore and it's really depressing and I think you want to hold on to that a little bit and

I wouldn't worry so much about like lying because you're not lying. You're supporting a child's imagination. Yes. You're enabling fantasy, which is fine. And fantasy is important. But Rachel finished. Is that where you're kind of is? I think you support it. And if she's worried about her legs, you know, it's like, well, it never happened.

to me. And let's see what happens in Florida. But let's see what happens. And if they turn into mermaid legs, we'll deal with it then. And you buy her that mermaid fucking tail thing they can wear. 100%. And she can pretend to be a mermaid and live out her dream. I like that a lot. And you're supporting

the love of the mermaid. I think that's a really good idea, too. I think like probably not three and a half because they're still learning how to swim. We don't need to Houdini the legs just yet. But yeah, not yet. They have towels. Yeah. Yeah. My kids had those. Yeah. Yeah. You get a mermaid tail, but they're fine. They're fine.

But it's a different thing than the question. Because the question is, and I like where you're going with that, Rachel, and that is, do I continue the lie or not? Right.

Right. So the reality is in Florida, she's not going to turn into a fucking mermaid. And then you're going to deal with it then. Olivia, what's your kind of take? What's your gut feel? I mean, listen, my son's going to be five next month and I have to refer to him as Bumblebee from Transformers. And every time I do that, I'm not like, hey, Bumblebee's not real. Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, you're Bumblebee. You know, you're supporting their creativity and their freedom. And I would just give her as much permission to play in that as possible. Yes. And have fun with it. So, Maggie, question to you here. Yeah. Because this seems pretty straightforward. What's your hesitation here, kid? You got a three and a half year old baby. Why are you trying to squash this? I'm a little lost. Yeah, I guess.

I think I'm starting to agree to let her believe that mermaids are real. The flip side of this is sometimes it's hard to tell if she's worried about

turning into a mermaid or if she really wants to. So I also don't want her to be disappointed if she wants to get her mermaid. Olivia Allen, Blood Ideas Podcast. Jump in. Kids are energetically connected to our fears. And I think that if you continue to worry... That's the smartest thing that's ever been said on this show. If you continue to worry...

Dress up like a mermaid and tackle her And I'm gonna go it's actually not bad Salmon scales on the ground Yeah, so what you want to do is you want to eat up 15 pounds of tuna? More is caught than taught our children catch more of what we do them what we teach them is

And the more you worry about this being a thing, the more she'll worry about having a tail or not having a tail. So really the most important part is you handling your relationship to it. And then really quickly for our audience, Gareth, can you explain what that means, more is taught than caught? Sure.

It's great. What what is pitching here? And I like it is when you're in Florida, go on a fishing journey and hire someone to get caught in the net because what's caught is taught. And then when you have a mermaid in the net, you bring it on the boat, you whack it over the head and you say, you did this. You did this. And that could be that could be a right.

Yeah, make sure the net is taut. Otherwise, that little mermaid's going to try to get out. And look, down in Florida, you can go to a lot of different clubs and hire a lady to do that. And then later that night, order Mahi Mahi for the table and let your daughter know you're eating mermaids. Or order a bunch of fish and say, mermaids don't use forks and knives. Eat what you're facing, little mermaid. Or just let her listen to this episode of the podcast. Or order fish and be like, you are a mermaid. You're practicing cannibalism. And then when she says, I want good cheese, you go like this.

Mermaids don't eat that. You know what you can do? Pretend she's a mermaid, but say mermaids need to have like little gummy vitamins and broccoli. And then go, here's the thing. Little mermaids can't eat gummy bears until she goes, well, I don't want to be a mermaid. And you go like this. So are you officially not a mermaid? If you want grilled cheese, you can't be a mermaid. And she'll go, I'm not a mermaid. You go, thank God. Then let's go get some fries. It works both ways.

So you can do that or you can do Olivia's advice. I think you have two great routes here. So Maggie, what do you think you're going to do here? That's a tough one. So I think I'm going to go with just kind of going with the flow, letting her believe in mermaids and...

You know, just seeing, like when we get to Florida, seeing kind of where it goes. You know, not trying to correct her. Sorry, just so we're clear, you are hiring the mermaid actress here? No, she said it's a tough one. She's not sure yet. I wrote all that down. Hire a mermaid. And by the way, if you get there and she's like, where are the mermaids? Blame it on DeSantis. He's outlawing so much stuff. He got rid of mermaids like two years ago. That's true. They offended him. He got rid of them. In closing, you're going to...

take this one day by day and see what happens in florida that's the end of this yes wait i don't understand what's tough i think can olivia call you with a problem about your problem is that olivia in closing what do you say here i say well because you guys pitched a really extravagant plan and then you said what are you gonna do i gave her really clear marching orders to look at her own

fears and worries and then model that for her child and she said i don't know what to tell well that's because she's one of our listeners okay okay maybe you should listen to broad ideas we can help you everybody also listen to broad ideas and then come back here but this is for sure maggie one of ours yeah but it sounds like maggie you're leaning in the olivia direction but she doesn't know because guess what the other let me yeah

I just want to be clear. I'm going to just let go of the flow, let her keep believing in mermaids. Okay. But if things go sideways down there and she's crying...

Hire a lady, put her on a boat, fake catcher. I'll come down there. I'll wear a wig. I'll shave my chest. I'll put some shells on. I'll look into that. So you got two great options. Not like you're getting hurt at all. Oh, no. Scare her out. I don't want to be a mermaid anymore if it looks like that man. Hello. You want to be a mermaid? That's what happens when you hit your 40s. Hello.

Oh my God, I want to be a mermaid like in Disney. Aren't they great? You want real life? This is what happens to mermaids. I'm dating an octopus. You know what we'll do, Maggie? Gareth and I will show up real half-cocked on alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and we'll let her know this is what happens to little girls when they become adult mermaids. Yeah, or what we could do is we could show up at the bar and look like a couple of mariners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we could be talking about mermaids, exchanging mermaid tails at the bar, drinking.

- So we're gonna do that, but we're gonna keep the three and a half year old away from us. Maggie, we appreciate the call. Rachel and Olivia, thank you guys for coming. - Thank you guys. - Thank you. - Oh my God. - Wow.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.