51: It's Your World, We're Just Pitching In It with Chris Distefano
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And we are rolling!

Back with a big one. Back in the studio. Back in the studio. A hit. Big guest. Big guest. Hilarious. This guy is everywhere. Yes. He really is. He's crushing it. He is crushing it. Chris DiStefano. Chris was, when I moved to New York for a show for about six months, he was in the pilot.

And then I was like, we got to put him in the series. And he and I. What pilot? It was called Philosophy. It was an MTV show that did one season. Most of my things do one to two. That's how I like it. What was the show called? Philosophy. What was the premise? It was like a panel show. Like it was like. I didn't know about this one. Yeah, that's the problem with the show. Huh? What year was this? Oh, God. This must have been 85. No, 2010.

10, 2011. Okay, now I'm back. But Chris and I used to go do open mics with our buddy Mike Cannon. And we used to just hit Mike. Chris knew every mic. And sometimes we would be in like some guy's, literally in some guy's living room with like six other comics. And I'd be like, what's happening right now? Chris comes on the show. He's an absolute killer. We appreciate him. Yes. Go follow him. Chris DiStefano on Instagram. He's got a podcast called Chrissy Chaos. And it is chaos. He is nuts.

He's also touring all the time. He's on the road all the time. Where do you find him? His website? Yeah, I'm sure he's got ChrisDeStefano.com. But if you go to ChrisDeStefano on Instagram, I won't be doing venues as large as Chris, but I will be all over the place. You can go to GarethReynolds.com. I'm touring all over the place for the next few months. So go there. But, you know, great episode. And before we go, like always, I love you, man. I want to thank you for everything you've done, Lamarne.

King shit. Don't get emotional. Let's just get into it, buddy. King shit. King shit. We appreciate you, Lamorne, and your poster. And it's given Jake a new focus. Rest in power. Without further ado.

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at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Hi. Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help you on with Jake Johnson, who's wearing Grandma Nina's glasses, Gareth Reynolds, and our guest today, the biggest stand-up comedian of all time. A killer. A killer. Bushwick's own... Yes. ...Bushwick.

Chris DiStefano. How you doing? Can we get your name, rough age, and what you're calling about, please? And where you're from. Okay, I'm Emily. I'm 37, and I'm from northern British Columbia in Canada. All right, Emily, so walk us through where we're at on this one. Okay, so I need your help planning a party. It's going to be...

a coming out party for my new boobs. Oh, wow. Wow. So what does this mean? You're having, you got any fake boobs and you want to reveal them at a party? Yeah. You know, I've been waiting like 15 years for this moment and it's expensive and people have been really waiting for this moment too. So I feel like... Interesting. I need to give it to the people, right? You know, they've been supporting me and now...

And so, Emily, walk us through a little bit of your backstory, because if you're like, I'm also... Well, her back hurts more than it did muscle. I was going to say, walk us through your backstory and your back problems. So I had my first kid like 15 years ago.

So I've had three kids. So the boobs have gone from a solid double D to a tuck in your pants B, if you get where my drift is going. We all know what a tuck in your pants B is. I know it's a common thing in British Columbia.

It's the tuck in your pants B. It's kind of a regional thing, but I performed out there. Gareth knows. I perform all over Canada. And the tuck in the pants B, I know that. It's long saggies. Flapjacks is what we call them here on the East Coast. Medically. So you, 15 years ago, so basically you had double Ds. You were always...

Emily with the big boobs. Yeah. And you know what? I was in high school. Yeah. And you liked that. I loved it. I got bars underage. Yeah. You know, I get it. So it's a strange little world. OK. And so you then the children slowly started to destroy the boobs, destroy your breasts.

And my life. And your life. It sounds like you're a great mother who's happy you had them. And so the kids have slowly done that. So now your kids are raised. You're having no more kids. And you were like, I miss. Still young kids. Well, okay. 15 years ago, she had our first. So what are you at? A 15-year-old, a 12-year-old, a 10-year-old? 15.

15, 13, and 8. You don't need to raise those anymore. They're good. So you're almost out of diapers. Chris, we're going to assume she's definitely out of diapers now. Well, you know, I got a 13-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 2-year-old, and you'd be shocked who's in diapers and who isn't. Chris. Chris is actually in diapers. All his kids are potty training. Chris is in diapers. His kids are fucking brilliant being like, the 2-year-old's going like this, what do I got to do with this fucking guy? He doesn't learn. No.

I'm wanting. And then so you want to kind of regain what you had. So you went the surgical route. You got them done. I'm sure it was an experience. No, I'm getting them done. Oh, you haven't even gotten them done.

And so what is well, you're going to have a while before you can actually pull the trigger on the party. You know, I know I bought, you know, my girl got them and then remove them. You know, you can't move your arms really up and down for a couple of days. You can't do a bird impression for like three weeks. One of the first things I encourage you to do is to move everything from the top shelves down where you because you can't reach overhead. Just FYI. Yep.

So don't make cans of soup or whatever you need. Yeah, there'll be no soup if you're not putting it on a high level. So, Emily, are you still married to the same guy with another guy? Where are we at in the relationship world? I'm still married. And where is he at with it? Is he excited about it? I'll answer this. He's ready.

You know, actually, he's more team like, well, I'm doing it. It's already paid for and booked. But he hates spending money. Respect. Yeah, he's got the purse string tight, and so he's a little bit eh, but he'll be happy with it. Well, Emily, I want to make sure that you know that you're beautiful with or without the boobs, and I hope that you know that. Oh, I do. I do know. But there's a comma.

Right. Well, no, because you smile, but we all know that your eyes are saying there's a comma. I could be wrong. That's why I wear the glasses. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. No, that I just have a twitch. I think that the money that you're spending on that on the boob job, I know is significant and you can actually go ahead and I have opened up an investment company. If you'd like to give me that money, I can invest that at

Doing two points better than the active market right now. All right. It took a bad turn. An interesting turn because I'm a guy who makes financial mistakes, and I'm interested in Chrissy Double D. You're two points above me. You two should not be talking off air. Don't talk anymore. I beat inflation at every turn. I beat inflation. I'm going to get us a little bit more money because we are sponsored by Rocket.

money okay all right so emily you've already paid the money you are doing this you're getting the procedure done yes your question is and we're here to help you and you're saying how do i make this party fun well there's a very easy way correct and that is it's an adult only party

And like it's somebody's fucking quinceanera or sweet 16 or bar mitzvah. You do the before and after photos. You know what? I used to work weddings. I've done 300 of them. You know, it's all over the walls of a wedding when they first met, when they were little kids. So you have photos of you as a teenager. It's all you. And you chop off your face and your lower body. It's all photos of your chest. Yes.

And then you get all of them with kids. It's you holding a baby at a beach where those boobs start getting beaten up. Yep. And it's 14 years ago. Then 12 years later, they're getting more beat up. And you make it fun. You get a tit pinata. Yes. Yes.

But you go all out and you know what this is. You've got a huge, you know what you do? You get two pinatas, one post and one pre. The one pre has already been beaten up. There's no candy in them. And it's a tiny little pinata. And you go, anybody have fun playing with this one? And that's why we did it. And then you got another one that's huge.

Full of goodies. Full of goodies. And the first pinatas just looks like, you know, those tucked in bees. You just get a long, dirty sock. Yeah. Put a bunch of oranges in it. And you know what you do with it? Two socks with mandarin oranges in them. You fill it with, like, peanut butter and let raccoons rip through it. Yes. That's what, guys, that's what happened to my double Ds. All right. And, Emily, I'm sure right now you're like, a lot of applicable advice has been thrown my way. I'll invite live raccoons in my house to eat peanut butter from socks. Yes.

can put it outside up in British Columbia. There's tons of those little bears. Okay. I think what Jake is saying is pretty good. Like, you know, you wanted to, you want to show people the new you. A version of how I would do this

First of all, with the pictures, I would go the route of Nutrisystem, not a sponsor. I always found it so gratifying when someone would jump through a picture of old them. So why don't we get old picture of you, maybe a picture you saw where you made this change.

And let's blow that up. And let's have you jump through that at the party. And I would even say this, because you don't want to start the party with a moment like that, what if we have a change? So we have a change of clothes. Why don't we start you in something that is kind of like...

you will, you'll be fully healed, but not showing off the new gals as much as you want. Like a Walgreens sweatshirt. Yeah. Let's get you a sweatshirt. Exactly. That's what you walk around the party in an hour wearing. And then when it's time, we get a drum roll. We get the

picture up and you in your form revealing dress that you want to wear, you jump through it, show the new you and then you party the rest of the year. And so I think Garf is really onto something and I think the game of it could be, because I also really like the titty pinata. Yeah. And I really, I think there's an idea, title. I think there's an idea. Tittle.

I think there's an idea, and I'm going to take half credit, but it really was Chris's, but because I rephrased it. Well, you guys are going to mark the market together. Maybe I get a point on it, but you get the majority of points. I said, Tit, if you want to invest with me, we can get you more points than the active market. I'm very excited about it. Titty Pinata is better than Tit Pinata.

But it did start with your investment. Jake, you were on to something great. You got sidetracked. So I say you do the party like Gareth is saying in two phases. There's a first half and a second half. The first half is, thank you so much for coming. I'm wearing a Walgreens sweater. And everyone goes like, you look amazing. And everyone's talking and it's nice. Then you leave. Yep.

The lights dim. Yep. You jump through the photo. Then the titty pinata comes out. Then the photos are up. Then you might have to end it, Emily. And we're going to pitch and then we're going to hear from you.

But this is about one thing and one thing only. Oh, boy. And that's showing the fucking nude. You can't show the full. Of course you can. Yes. Nude boobs to your friends. Imagine this. Hey, come to my party. What's it about? I bought a Ferrari. You got a Ferrari? I made a lot of money. If the Ferrari was in your underwear. But hold on, Gareth. I bought a Ferrari. You want to come see the party? Yeah, everybody comes. How is it? It's fucking awesome, dude. It's the best. Dude, you have no idea. Can I see it? No.

No. Listen, I'm not going to lobby. I'm not going to say that I wouldn't go to a party where someone shows tits, but I feel like, what if your mother's there or someone you work with? Emily seems like a very cool, free-spirited British Columbian woman. And I think that it's a different thing. I would assume you're not going to have the kids there. You're not

can have you know this is for friends and fun and what I think Emily is I agree with Jake you absolutely have to show these at some point and I think maybe we every idea that Jake had I think is amazing the pinata is the party but I think we started off the invitation starts off with a funeral for Emily yes the old Emily is dead so I want them you invite them to your own funeral they don't know what the hell's going on and it's really a funeral for your old tits yes

It's a diva. That's really fun. And you even asked a surgeon if you could have some of that, you know, some of your old tits. Okay. Pass it out. Have that in a Ziploc bag. Oh, you know how people give ashes? You can free ashes of the old boobs. You know how much money I made off my girlfriend's placenta? All right. How much? A lot's getting said right now. About $15,000. Then I invested. It got 8%.

What a fucking king. I'm going to get a lady pregnant, have a baby on the side, give you that 15 grand, and in about three years, we're going to be fucking rolling in it. Bang. All right. I'll own this whole fucking building. Now we're fucking talking. Emily, what's great about this show... He's making fucking money with Chrissy D. Jake, I'm going to put you on a word count for a second. What's great about this show is...

is that you get a lot of options and you get to pick. So you've heard everything from just wear a Walgreen's sweater to start to let's bury your old tits. Yes. So what are you thinking?

Okay. I'm loving a little bit of each and it, I mean, it needs to be unhinged. I love to throw a big party like last year. Um, I don't know how many people came, but it has to be themed. Like everyone has to dress up. So we have to think of a costume.

All right. Hold on. Emily, let me pitch on it before we got onto this road. It's a funeral. So they are, I think Chris is right. Everybody has to wear all black. Everybody's got a ring flower. Everybody's sad because they are coming to it. Cause you don't want to do like eighties Magnum PI. Then they go, why am I dressed in short shirts and a wine shirt to see some tits? It's a different thing. I,

I mean, I get why it didn't work. What I started made sense. And I get the point. The example was the example. You're right. I think you don't. You don't. It's going to be hard to find a theme that fits into this funeral. But here's what you say in the thing. Comma have a change of clothes under your black. And that is the after hours. So this party goes into the party has to have. And so your sad black outfit can also be your black dress. Yeah, right. Emily, how do you like that?

Okay, I like the funeral idea, but I almost think we could twist it and turn it the opposite way where it's like... Because it's like either death or rebirth, right? Yes, that could be the second half. I could get...

Oh, that could be. I could get the what if I got like the bio product from the doctor and I actually buried it? Yes, that was. Yeah. Yes. I believe a pitch that I laughed out of the room. But here we are back to burying the old titties. But keep going, Emily, because you're on to something here. So you're talking about in the party, burying the titties.

Yeah, I like starting it off with like a turtleneck or cremation. We could have like a Viking pier. But starting off maybe a black turtleneck and then people have scissors and then everyone like slowly cuts away at the turtleneck and makes it smaller and smaller until a big reveal. This is the hottest party I've ever heard of. I love this. I have a question. How long of a flight is it from Los Angeles to British Columbia where you live? Doesn't matter. I'll run there faster. Thank you kindly.

Starting now with scissors. Yeah, I'll far as gump it. But Emily, this is a fun idea. You're talking about wearing a big black turtleneck and then at a certain point, the people at your party are cutting it. Here's a turn. Who's getting the invite? Is it like uncles and brothers and dads and sisters? No. Okay. Like all my amazing friends. Okay, great. And so your kind of community of friends...

know this side of you. They've all seen my boobs. Okay, so it's going to be fun. It's going to be boozy. It's going to be flirty. It's going to be fun. Is that the kind of party we're talking?

Yeah, exactly. Cutting, having everybody walk up and take a cut of your turtleneck while they're passing it one by one. Yeah. Is such a huge idea, Emily. As you bury your old breasts to some extent. Yep. Or cremate them. And then how far, so keep going because I think you're on fire here. So funeral themed, burying the titties, people get scissors, cut your turtleneck revealing. Continue. Continue.

Okay. So if I'm thinking funeral, you know how you're talking about like pictures along the wall. Yes. Yes. I like the boob progression, but I also like to throw in a twist. What if it was like pictures of, you know, if boob or elbow game. Yeah.

So, like, you don't know if you're looking at cleavage or if you're looking at someone's, like, elbow? This is great. Sure. You know Amish people? We should have called you. Agreed. I was just thinking the same thing. You know Amish men are attracted to women's elbows, and in the Amish community, that's the thing that women cover up most. Really? An Amish man is attracted to...

to a woman's elbow, that's a fact. - I never thought that's what would be weird about the Amish. - Yeah, yeah. - This is a community that keeps diving deeper. - Google it, but they're not doing their own Googles. They're not involved in that. - Yeah, they'll never hear it. - So the boob progression with elbows is a very fun idea.

So we go funeral theme at the beginning. We do barium. We do an idea of a Viking funeral, maybe. You're going to decide. Or barium cremate, which is what Chris said. Boob progression on the wall. Are they boobs or are they elbows or are they like fat creases? Who cares? Okay, then keep going, Emily. Okay. And then we need a game.

What you could do if you wanted, and again, it's your world. We're just pitching in it. But what you could do is you could, if you wanted, you want to do the reveal. You could have some pictures of other boobs and have people guess which ones are yours. That's a game. And then right before the reveal, then you can show which ones are actually yours. Yes. But you do that before the scissors. Yes.

Yes. So then you have everybody's guessing, but there's like five photos and you have to like put a marble so that you have like 13 marbles in these. So those people are standing there and one team wins. Or what if you did it like this? What if you do it in the order you're talking about? Right. And so you have like three, you have three options.

And then each person gets a raffle ticket and they write their name on the back and they put it in the bucket of which one they think it is. After the reveal, you then tell them which one it is and you pull a raffle ticket out of that. And here's what the winners get. Uh-huh. Selfies with the tents. Okay. No face photos, but they get to take a selfie with their face next to your boobs. They line up. There you go. Or like a hooter shooter.

Sure. Yes, or a hooter shooter. So, Emily, how are you feeling about this party? Because, honestly, I think it sounds really good. Where are you at?

I'm excited. I mean, I'm going to have to add more so that it's a little bit more unhinged or like a little bit wild that we can't get you where we need to get you with this. Well, how and what do you want to do? You want to? No, no, no, no, no, no. This is this is good. I just don't want anyone to be sad at a funeral. Here's what we're pitching you. They dress up like a funeral. Right. You bury your dead boobs. You then have photos of the wall of real boobs.

that are yours and some people guess on it, they then cut your shirt with scissors. We might be burning your old one. Yes, the winner all takes selfies with your boobs. After you jump through a picture of old you. Yes, and that's how you end at the end. You're at a three-hour mark of this party. Everybody's drunk. You're at 11.30 at night. What the fuck else do you want?

Let's have some fireworks when I do the reveal. Fun. And I think that'll top it off. I'll shoot them off your tits. Yeah, there you go. Great. Seriously. Why not? So, Emily, let's get real for a second. Are you going to do all this?

I 1,000% will do every single thing and more. Do you like the idea of blowing fireworks off? Could you get your husband to help on that? You need a fire marshal, but yeah. Yeah, he's a firefighter. Oh, he's a firefighter? We didn't know that. Wow. So then we have access to hoses. Keep going, Jake. In closing, will you pitch back to us what you're actually going to do at this party? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to send out invites first. Okay. And I'll make it something about like the rebirth or...

I'm going to make it serious. I think I'm going to, yeah, I think I'm going to like start off serious. So people are kind of weirded out and then, you know, have a dark candles, everything like actually like a funeral for like first half. And then we'll change that music up. Yeah. We're going to change it up. People, you know, they're already cutting off my turtleneck. I don't know if they're closing. We don't know what's happening yet, but resurrecting, you're resurrecting the tits of resurrection. That's right. We're,

We're going to say our goodbyes to the old boobs. We're going to put that to rest. We're going to do a Viking pier in the backyard. I love the Viking thing. They invented biological warfare. That's a fun fact. Okay, let's stick to that. Keep going. Light that shit up. Then we're going to get people ready for phase two. And I'll set up a big tent, and then I'll put that blown-up photo of me. And then we'll do the drum roll, maybe, and I'll run through, and I'll be like, ah!

Some fireworks potentially there. Yes. Some fireworks. We're going to do those games. We're going to the guessing game.

Yeah, we're going to do the guessing game. The boob versus noob. I like the raffle idea, so I'm going to put that in there. Real good one. And yeah, the winner will get to take a selfie with my boobs. And they could, well, the thing you were talking about, take a shot off your boobs in a selfie and everybody gets, all the winners get the shot in a selfie. Just make sure that the wounds are completely healed before we do the shot off the boobs. Absolutely. Don't send us an invitation out until you know you're good to go. We don't need an infect-she-weck-she. Absolutely. But Amway, we, title.

Emily, we appreciate the call. Keep us posted and congratulations and enjoy. Yeah. And remember, put all your soup at eye level, like Chris said. You're not going to be able to get your Campbell's as easily. That's important. You can't lift your arms overhead. Thank you for the call. It's called McKaning. Thanks a lot, Emily. Bye.

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Hello, caller, are you there? You're on We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look that up. Yep. 68 and ball me. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our guest today is...

The greatest living stand-up comedian, because some dead ones are better, Chris DiStefano. That's it, baby. You got it. And who knows if I'm alive? I could be dead. I could be AI. Well, that would be awesome. I wish we had the budget to do it. Can we get your name, please? Hi, yeah. My name is Kate. I'm calling from Oregon.

What can we help you with today? What's going on? All right. Hey, guys. Let me say first, it's a thrill to be talking to you. I love The New Girl. I've watched the entire series twice. Thank you. It's actually New Girl. It's not The New Girl. How old are you, Kate? I'm 39. Oh, you're the old girl.

Take it easy. I'm 39, too. I'm kidding. I'm deep in my fours, man. I wanted to do a new girl, old girl thing, and it wasn't great. I'm hungover. Okay, here we go. I just wanted to set up a bit. I love you, Kate. Keep in mind you're putting your fate in the hands of Chris as well. All right, talk to us. What's going on? Kate, 39, Oregon. Where are we at?

Okay. So, all right. So we're from Oregon or we live in Oregon now, but we're not originally from here. And this year we went home for Christmas and we have a dog and we needed someone to house it and dog sit for us because my dog has just a really hard time being kenneled. And so we hired a girl who used to walk him for us years ago, who I found on Craigslist. And,

She's a really nice person. She's super sweet. She's great with dogs. It's the holidays. I don't want her to be alone. I told her she could have her boyfriend over and stay for the holidays. We go home. We think everything's fine. My husband gets a notification on his phone a few days in on our ring camera that they're coming into our house. No big deal, but it looks like they're carrying in lighting and camera equipment.

Oh, gosh. And so my husband, he's looking at me. He shows me the film. He's like, is this something we need to be concerned about? I'm like, no, it's fine. Kate, I'm liking this setup. I am too. Are we all thinking the same thing? They're doing like a calendar for the dog? No. Oh, okay. Sorry. No. So, Kate, you have a dog sitter who's a female. She knows your little fluffy dog. What's the dog's name? Murphy.

Solid name. Agreed. So you got the females watching Murphy. You see on the ring camera this lady and a guy are bringing in cameras and lights into your home while you're not there. Okay, keep going. And lo and behold, it took me a whole 10 minutes to discover that she's actually in the sex industry and that she and her boyfriend is her partner in porn. Okay. All right.

All right. And like homemade porn. Yeah. You let this lady in our house. What's her name?

I don't think I want to tell her name. Let's call her Lisa Ann for now. Yeah, that's smart. Lisa Ann sounds great. Okay. So Lisa Ann, I find her that she has an OnlyFans account. And my mind is just going crazy. I'm thinking, I have to see if my house is in this. Of course. So I subscribe to her page.

That's the reason I do all mine too, just in case they get it at my house. It's a location-based subscription for most of the- Every time I've ever looked at porn, I'm just making sure they didn't fuck in any bed I've ever done. Absolutely, yeah. I know, that's mostly what it is. I'm not into the thing. It's how I look at real- it's my Zillow. This is the way people used to say it with articles. I look at Playboy for the- Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at porn just to see if they fucked in the bed. I'm just trying to see how they're arranging the furniture in the room. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

So, Kate, you you get on a subscription to your dog sitter's account, which is a really hot turn of events that like somebody who works with a family doing only fans on the side. Your husband's jumping in to help more now than he did before. Probably curious. He's got to see what. Come on, let's solve this mystery, babe. Go back a little for the shot. And so what happens when you look at Lisa and stuff? Do you see your house?

No. So they've got like these like sheets and stuff in the background. So like you can't tell where they are. And so any, but, but, but my, there's two things. My mind is going wild with the possibility that they were doing live cam stuff. And so I wouldn't find anything on there anyway. And,

And then the second thing is she sees that I have subscribed to her page and she messages me on it and she's like, oh my God, how did you find me? Thanks for subscribing. We got the message up here. Oh, you got the message. Oh God.

Oh, my God. Yeah. The message is, oh, my God. That's great. Mind blown emoji. How did you find me? Thank you for subscribing. Monkey covering the eyes. So I'm going to say this, Kate, if you're wrong here.

You're out of fucking line. You're making a move. You better hope she fucked in your home at this point because you have somebody watching your dog who has a quiet thing on the side to make extra money. She's a dog sitter. We're not talking about a wealthy woman. And then the woman who pays her is now like, show me your naked body. You might be a creepo here, Kate. You better confirm there's cum on your ottoman. Okay.

Kevin, we got ourselves a title. But Kate, I'm saying this, this show, the premise of this, as you know, is we're on your team. I'm promising you you're in a fucking danger zone. So, okay, so she writes that. It didn't look like in the screenshot we saw that you replied. Did you not reply? I did.

I didn't really acknowledge that. I text messaged her and asked for my key back. And she was like, it's in my pussy right now. So let me just do some Kegels and I'll have that for you in about 10 minutes. That's why they're Kegels. Thank you. So wait, so you wrote back, you did not write back to this. You just wrote back another thing and said, can I get my key back? Yeah.

So from her point of view, you follow her on OnlyFans. You look at her naked. You watch her have sex with her husband. She reaches out with a funny little monkey face. And then you, for some reason, after not liking what she's doing on OnlyFans. Where's the key? Where's the key? Kate, is that right? Kate, you might be in some trouble here, kid. This could be an HR nightmare for you, kiddo. How, my

My question is, do I ask her if anything was happening or do I just let it go? And just what do you do now is the question. You feel like your space was a little violated, but she, but Garrett, but you didn't see it. I agree. She saw sheets. Well, where else are these people going to fuck? And you saw about, you did not see your home, Kate.

No, I didn't. So you really want to know how do you approach this subject and do you approach this subject? And before we pitch and start thinking on this, you said, can I get my key back? And what did Lisa Ann say? She said, sure. And she brought it over and dropped it in my mailbox. And when you got home to your house, was it clean? Yes, it was. So was there any evidence that people were fucking all throughout your house? Because as we've known on this podcast from other sitters,

And, you know, Gareth has said the same. If people are in your house, they have free reign to masturbate. I've admitted to dog and cat sitting and masturbating in the house. A hundred percent. Yep. That's usually what I do. Yep. I have no privacy. I got three kids. So the only way I can masturbate peacefully is I dog or cat sit. Yep. That's right. Exactly right. What a funny business you could start on the side right now. People would go like, I'm a big fan of his. He's

He's really doing this? $35 a night? And he's genuinely good with the cats. Why is he doing this? And I just show up with a roll of paper towels. How are you? Thank you so much. I'm not going to sleep here. I'm going to be here for literally 15 minutes, but I will take care of your animals. Which room do you want me to spank in? You pick. And so, Chris...

Where are you at? Well, here's the thing. I think legally here, if people haven't, if you're coming over and there's house sitting and they're having sex in your house and filming it, there's no problem with that. You basically did think they would probably be having sex in your house anyway. You got to assume every time I was always like, even when I order furniture, like Raymoor and Flanagan came over last week and I was like, I assume they're having sex with

you know all the legal women in my family why that they're moving it in and that's a wild way to view the business of these people whatever they want to do so chris your belief your religion that everybody who delivers to your home has free reign to not have sex with their partners but have sex with everybody over 18 who's willing in your home listen i go by the rules of the you know the founding fathers and they said your boys that's all you can you know what did they say well the only thing they said the only thing i wouldn't do is i wouldn't quarter british soldiers if

British soldiers are going to come in. But is that the Third Amendment? Yes. They cannot live in my house because that's a rule. Yeah. But if you're not, as long as you prove to me that you're not a British Redcoat. So as long as they are not living in your house when you've opened the door. Yes. It's kind of like vampire rules. You've invited him in. So now you deal with the vampire. I'm not quartering soldiers.

That's the only thing I won't allow. But everything else, and I think that- When we started this call, did anyone think that Chris would be walking away from quartering British soldiers? I didn't see that coming. That's the only one that I really, I protect that one more than the guns and freedom of speech is I want you British soldiers to get out of my house. We should be fighting for that amendment a little bit more. We really should. We should have that as the, it's the third.

It's the third. So the first and second we're really big on, but then the third we're like, eh, either way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, any British, you know, Ricky Gervais comes over and says, get the fuck out of my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wouldn't make it a big deal. I wouldn't contact her about it anymore. I would ask her if you're going to do that again. You are more than welcome to do that again, but you need to, I would like 10% of the

profit and we want the dog calendar and yeah shoot the dog i would ask for money for it i would ask for a little bit more money but i would have no issue doing it um you're bringing it i swear to god so if somebody came to your house because i got kids too right so if if somebody came to my house i and i felt this way i'm realizing doing this show i'm more of a prude than others

Even the lady who was just masturbating like crazy in the living room, I thought like, go to a back bedroom. And Gareth said, honest to God, I have free reign to stand on your dining room table and jack off if I wanted. If there's a kitchen island, I'll do what I like. I'll eat sushi off myself if I want to. I will say this, Kate. I'm going to go on the other side of Chris's take here, and I would probably bring it up.

bring it up. Kate, I have a quick question for you. Producer Kevin here. Not to blow up your spot, but I know you are a teacher with a class that starts in three minutes. How many of the students are in the classroom right now while you are on the phone? No, I've locked them out and I told them that they can't come in until I open the door. Then we're going to move on this. What do you teach real quick? This is important for me to know. I teach high school English. What does the word daft mean? Laughter

Kind of dumb? Crazy. Daft is a synonym for crazy. You would know that if you knew 17th century British. This is some Columbo stuff. We might be in a new world here. I don't think it's Columbo. I don't think it's Columbo. Give me one example of a preposition. Oh my God. Are we serious? Okay, she's got a bunch of them. Kate, we got two minutes with you. Sorry. Here's what I think you do. I think you reach out and I think you say, hey...

We saw you come in with a camera and lights. We do not feel comfortable with this. I just need to know, were you making OnlyFans videos in my home? I want the truth. There's going to be no legal anything. I just need to know where we're at. Garf, am I out of line there? I don't agree. What do you say? I just let it go. I mean, what are you going to do? There's no win for you here. I understand why you feel like the space was violated.

but it happened. You got the key back. You're not going to use her again. I just think what, what is going to come from this followup? I think you just got to let it go. Chris in closing. What's your last piece of advice? Chris wants to quarter British soldiers. My last piece of advice is I would say, um, let it go, let it go. Uh,

You know, as Elsa says, yes, let it go. Let it go. I would say move on. You know, if they're sexual, beautiful people, give them the credit that they deserve. They had beautiful sex in your house. It's a sanctuary. And when all else fails, remember conjunction, junction. What's your function? It's a mixed bag, Kate, from Chris. But I think if you look deep in there, there might be something. I'm not sure, but there might be. In closing, what are you going to do?

You know, I really she is a really sweet person and I don't want to offend her. I think I just wanted to know, like to hear from an outside perspective. But I've got a quick question. Were you happy with the job she did with Murphy? Well, she didn't take him on any walks, which is what like what they were supposed to be doing. So there were no walks. Yes. Oh, there you go. Oh, because you saw on the camera there were no walks.

Yeah. Here's the real question. We hired a dog sitter. She didn't take the dog on the walks. She just fucked in my home all the time. What should I do? My answer is don't hire her again. Yeah. She just fucks in your house and makes videos and doesn't walk your dog. You got one job. Walk the dog. By the way, this isn't a question. She must have been doing this for a while. She's probably like, what's a ring cam? Yeah. Because you at least do like a fake out and in. So you're loading in gear like it's union. If she's not walking the dog, you do not bring up the fucking. You don't bring up anything. You just don't hire her again.

Yes. Great. Great. Okay. What do you think of that, Kate? I think that's probably a good option. Don't just get off the phone because you have a class full of children there who are waiting to learn about prepositions and what DAS means. Before we go, will you do us a favor now? Uh-huh. Will you start your class with one lesson? Chris, how should she start that class? Well, I wanted to ask, what is the loose lesson plan for today? And then I can zero in a question. Okay.

They're analyzing a short story. Oh, they're analyzing a short story. Is it Edgar Allan Poe? Great question. No, it's a George Saunders piece. It's pretty hard. George Saunders. What's the short story about? It's about violence committed against a teenager and what is right and what's wrong.

Let's not have Chris talk about it. Fertile for comedy. I only have one question. Was the teenager hot? Okay, thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. Appreciate it. Thank you for calling. Thank you, guys. Bye. Appreciate it. Bye. Bye, Kate. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.