52: Look at MY Goatee with Lamar Woods
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back hey jakey we have a fun one today with mr lamar wood yes great guest so we love this call a lot yeah lamar was a writer on new girl yep a great writer super funny he created brian's security guard yeah i mean we'll get into that bio i don't think we need to you know spoil the supper right up at

He also was in a pilot that I shot with Josh Greenbaum, the great documentary. You were there? Yes. Oh, yeah, right. We shot in the backyard together, my backyard. Josh, an incredible director. Incredible. So this is a really fun episode. Lamar has his podcast called XOS.

XO Gossip Kings. Yep. Check it out. Yep. And also his album comes out on Valentine's Day called Highly Sensitive Person. Lamar, you'll see in this call is hard funny and we recommend you check him out. Yep. And I'm also going on tour really soon. So go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. I'll be going everywhere. Chicago added a second show. No way. What theater are you in in Chicago? The

The Den. Fun. It's a great spot. But yeah, great call. And again, we're on YouTube. If you want to go check that out, that's great. If you want to see us, it's very dynamic in studio. And we appreciate all the support and the love. And without further ado, we do short intros.

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Hello. Hello. Where are you calling from quickly? Can we have a word? I'm actually calling from London. Ah, lovely. Capital. Absolutely smashing that, yes.

All right, one second. We're just having a bit of an issue. Just make sure. Can you hear us or are you muting? Hold on. I'm not talking to you. I've got a technician over here, so just give us a minute. All right, well, if you can yank that wire there, that might be nice. No, I don't have to wait no more. Hold on, we've got this. No, because he's got London right here, hasn't he? Just want to make sure we've got your... What time is it where you are, mate? Very quickly, just get that out of the way.

Oh, it's half seven over here. Ah, 7.30. Hey, Lamar, what time is it over there with you? You doing that? Oh, down here, mate. It's, man. Oh, shit. You say it was half seven? I got to go to work, baby.

I got the fuck out of here. I'm supposed to be at the factory right now. I like how it started with a little accent. Then in the middle, by the end, you just said, fuck it. Yeah, there was a real realization as you were going through it that I got to self-pull. Garth, do our intro, you want to? Well, listen, first of all, can we get your name?

It's Ben. Of course it is. Like the clock, but smaller. Age? I'm 27. 27. And Ben, you are on with Garf, myself, and New Girl writer, comedian...

Yeah. Musician. Musician. Podcast host of XOXO Gossip Kings. Yeah. Coming out with an album that's dropping. Valentine's Day. What's the name of that? Highly Sensitive Person. Highly Sensitive Person. Yeah. A man who wrote the episode of New Girl that created it.

Brian, the security guard. Security guard. Ben, you know Brian, the security guard from New Girl last season, right? I love New Girl. We're not talking about the show in its totality, though. We're looking for a myopic take on Brian last season. You familiar with the character? Not the last season. Second to last season. Last season.

No, it was season six. Last season. It was last season, yeah. I was in the room like, they were all like, man, this episode is done. And I said, yo, man, I'm not doing this until we get a security guard in this episode. You see that? Hey, Brian. Lamar, what's the real story about the casting? Do you remember it? I do. I just remember...

He's talking to me, Garrett. All right. I'm ready. I remember I got a bunch of casted because I had a homie I wanted. My homie Tony Baker was funny. Tony Baker is great. He is great, to be quite honest. He was going to end it. We went with my friend. Jake, imagine now. I was so pissed. Imagine now. You can't unsee Brian. You know what I mean? Now that you know. Tony Baker is funny. It's like saying someone else should play Scarface. Doesn't make any sense now that we know. Keep going. Right, right. Yeah.

The sad head down after Scarface is incredible. Somebody else might go ahead and embrace it. Because he likes Tony Baker, too. He's great. That's so funny. Yeah, and then I suggested it to Liz, but I don't think she knew who he was. But they were like, oh, Jake's got a homie. And I was like, all right, well, anything for my man Jake. Let's do it.

Back to you, Ben. Ben, what's going on, man? I need some help. I've got to convince my girlfriend of seven years that I prefer to sleep top and tail for a little while. What the fuck? Let me translate very... Do you know top and tail? Yeah. She goes head, and her feet are where his head is. You're sleeping in bed like cousins. Yeah. Oh, okay. You prefer that. I need to change where I'm sleeping every now and again, and we just bought our first place together, and I can't change my...

position anymore and now it's like I can't get good sleep hey Ben is this real you want to go top to tail with your wife because I grew up in a kind of house where we like moved beds every once in a while and we would go top to tail where we would have like my brother my sister and mother in one and we went top to tail if a woman I was with went like goodnight love you want to go top to tail I'd go no

Or the goodnight love you and then putting her head by your feet? Yeah, Ben, what is this? Who hurt you? And why was it childhood? Yeah, you can't be doing that to the ladies out here. Walk us through this, Ben. I don't know what it is, but...

For some reason, ever since I was a kid, if I'm sleeping in a new position or in a new location, it's so much more restful. Top and tail? I actually know what you're saying. What? It's like the whatever you have. Yeah, it's like that's how you get comfortable. Really quick, by the way, Ben, I'm actually not teasing you. I get it. Are you guys both good sleepers? No, I'm not a good sleeper. I go through back and forth. Do you do the same routine every night?

I just started doing that. Yes. Like sleepy tea. And is it working? Yes.

A little bit. You do celestial seasonings? Yeah, I want some smooth caramel chocolate. Yeah, yeah. Smooth caramel, big black. Smooth caramel, big black. Are you talking about the person in bed with you? Or a tea you drink? No, this is Dave. A little bit of smooth chocolate, big black. I'm sleeping with the same woman every night. It's been transformed. Big smooth chocolate caramel, man. It will work for me too. I'll go like this. All right, Lamar, have a good night. Jake, go to sleep right now. Go to sleep. It's bedtime. Yeah.

And then even if I'm not sleeping, I just go like this all night. How'd you sleep? Close your eyes. Great. Yeah. So, yeah, no, but it's getting there. It's getting there. Yeah. So, Ben, are you a good sleeper or a bad sleeper? I'm such a bad sleeper. I have a CPAP machine. Oh, Jesus Christ. And so why do you want to go head to toe? You just think that changing it up could be fun?

Well, the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and I was so uncomfortable that I actually did it. And I just had the best sleep after I did it. I get it. This is wild to picture a man in a CPAP machine then deciding in the middle of the night to go diving towards the feet and waking up the most rested. What did your girlfriend say the day after when she woke up with your feet near her face?

I actually woke up before her, so she doesn't know. This is a really... She doesn't even know about it. So, yeah, this is interesting. A secret talk to Taylor. You're trying to figure out how to lean into this, and it's not forever, but it's a phase. And you need to try this to see if you get better sleep. Is this correct? Yes. And walk us through... That is it. And Ben, what's your girlfriend's name? Audrey. Audrey?

Yeah. What do you think she's going to react? Will you give a pitch where you play both characters? You are Ben and you are Audrey and walk us through what you think would happen. Okay. Darling, look, I go to bed asleep. If I sleep in top detail or just moving around, I don't know what it is. Had it since the kids. I just need a couple of weeks to do this. Then I'm off traveling. It's fine.

Know your feet are disgusting. What are you doing? Sleep like a normal person. All right. So that's what I was afraid was going to happen. So she feels so Audrey's a straight shooter. Yeah. She's not even know she slept next to feet on. Yeah, I got you. You're going to be in a world of trouble here. You've got it. It's not great. It's not great. But what I would say is the CPAP maybe does you some favors. So you must be a horrendous snorer, right?

Awful. With the accent, everything about it is so great. I'm thinking top to tail, and it's awful. Awful is one of the best English accent words. I think what you should maybe do is recreate the other night. You felt shame. You brought your head back up so that she didn't feel that anything had changed. I think what you could do is tomorrow,

Fall asleep regular. When she wakes up, whether you're awake or not, pretend you're still asleep. You're down there and tell her you had a transformative night's sleep and see what she says. If she complains about your feet, I think there is a way to remedy that. Are your feet disgusting and smelling? No, they're just feet. Yeah, so just wear some socks. Wear some nice little cutie socks. Ben, here's what I'm going to say on this one.

And I'm glad you did, Audrey, and I appreciate it. And I got kind of a sense of you two. And I don't think this is going to go great at 26 to say like this. I want to sleep head to toe. I got to say it's from the outside. It's not a sexy pitch. Now, if you guys if you told me you were 57, my kids were in high school. She might go like, oh, for fuck's sake, who cares?

But at 26, you just moved in together. No woman wants to be with all her girlfriends in a bar and go like, what's the latest? And then you go like, I'm getting into I want to have plants in our house to have more life. Also, Ben and I sleep head to toe. Ben sleeps on my feet like that's not a great pitch. But so here's what I think you do.

You do it in the dark and you do it as secret every night. And that is you go to bed. You can't be leading this double life. I'm pitching double life. No. So I'm a really bad sleeper. Yeah. I've been with my wife forever. She closes her fucking eyes and falls asleep. Yeah. But she wakes up with movement. So she's a very sweet person unless you wake her up.

Right. So right before bed, she's like, I hope you get a great night. Love you. Love you. She...

I'm moving around. Yeah. You know, I'm hot. And then all of a sudden when she wakes up, she'll go, what are you doing? I'm like laying in the fucking dark for two hours. So what I did for years is I would sneak out and go on the couch. Yes. And then if you wake up at 6 a.m., sneak back in the bed. But that's just. Yeah. And they don't buy. No one gets hurt. I feel you. I kind of feel that. So my kind of thought is you get in bed, you give each other a kiss. You put that huge machine on your face. Good night. We're going to pass out.

Right. She's asleep. You can't sleep, Ben. If you can sleep, sleep, but you can't. So then quietly do the shuffle. Quietly.

Yeah, just like this. Top to top. And then all of a sudden, you tap the tail, go to bed. If you wake up and she goes, what are you doing? You go, huh? I don't know. Why am I down here? Don't do the accent. You did it in my sleep. All right. All right. You pretended sleep. Lamar, don't you take another swing at the accent? Can I take another swing at it, mate? Okay, this is what I think you should do. Okay. Wow. So...

I'm with my man. I can't do it. Lean in. Lean in. There's something there, Lamar. There's something there. All right. I don't know where you're from, but wherever you're from. Do Jamaican. Okay. Yeah, I'm on. I'm down in London, man. You got to go get the collard greens first. All right. Here's my. You don't admit. What I like about Lamar's accent is you get one sentence and then he jumps. But you see his eyes die a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do Jamaican. All right, man. And then he goes like this. All right.

There's never a moment, especially when you do a podcast, because podcast is such a weird experience where you become super self-aware of what's happening. You're like, where am I right now? It's 11 o'clock. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? Here's my advice, though. I got advice for you. Let's hear it. Okay. It's a little bit what Jake said. This is what you do. You double life it, right? Yeah. And then...

the one day plan a whole day for her like the best day ever like all her favorite shit take her to the whatever she likes to do to uh go to the mall i don't know big day yeah big day and then when the day is over and she's like man i just gotta say this is the best day ever you say it's because i got some good sleep last night let me tell you how to why let me tell you what i need to get that sleep to get that to get more days like that where you think of that

You like that, mate? I think the bribery could work. Me too. I like that too. And you could even go a little further. Be a real crabby piece of shit one day and say you slept like shit. And then the next morning she gets waffles and she gets like, you know, a really nice breakfast and be like, I actually ended up asleep. I just slept so well. I did top to tail. So, Ben, here's what I have. I have a couple others to cap around. You go, go, go. Two others real quick.

One is wild. One is practical. The wild one, 69, 69 and post 69 lay down and go, gosh, this could work for a sleeping arrangement. Your post coital, everyone's orgasm. And now you've got a pitch, much more open environment. Just a pitch. I don't know. I will say this.

Gross, but maybe effective. Don't shit on a 69. But I'll tell you this. I do shit on 69. I'm okay with it. Yeah. I wonder if that's something that you just don't do when you get older. Unless you're in your 60s at a swingers party. And then you're like, yeah. Also, here's what I kind of feel about a 69.

It's enough. It's like having a hot fudge sundae and dinner at the same time. I'll have a steak, baked potato and a drink and my dessert and you have a spoon in each and you go like this.

You're like, slow. What's the rush? I would just take our time. We'll get there. If you say, hey, we really like each other. We have 45 seconds. You have an appointment. You can't do one thing at a time. You can, but you're telling me you wouldn't want to try a mouthful of steak and ice cream? I wouldn't want to try it. It might be great. From 17 to 25, I tried it.

Listen, I tried it. It was great. But now I'm an adult with responsibilities. And I think so. I'm going to finish my meal. Let it digest. It's the sexual rubbing your stomach, patting your head. How much can you get done at the same time? I agree that there's a little bit about like, can we do this? But Ben, for your purposes, I think you could collapse after a successful 69 and go, boy, I think this might work for sleeping. And then if she goes, she laughs because what she will and she'll go,

Get up here. Yeah. Then what do you say, Gareth? As Ben. Yeah. Let's do it together. I'm going to be Audrey. All right. Well, hold on. Let's... Okay. Oh.

Boy, did I ever finish. I'm not finished. I'm done. I'm not finished. You know, this could actually work as a sleeping arrangement down here. I'm not finished, you shit. I'm actually done. Finish what you started. I've had a steak and a banana split and it's been fantastic at the same time. It's all over my fucking hair. And next time, I've told you, warn me, you cunt. Listen, don't bring cunts into this. But warn me, because you're 26 years old and you shouldn't just shoot when you shoot. I believe I'm 27. I'm actually 27, I believe. Okay, finish what you started. Oh, fuck.

Well, it's actually going to mess with my plan a lot. What's your plan? I think I should sleep down here. I think you should fucking sleep in your own flat, you asshole. Get out! All right, sounds okay. Ben, that's sideways. Yeah, but Ben, Audrey's being really tough in this one, right? Did you hear his version of Audrey? Ben, do us a favor. Do you mind? Yeah. Pretend you and Audrey just 69. Will you be both? No, let me be. No. Come on. I know you are. I'd like Ben to do it.

Ben, will you be you and Audrey? And will you pretend you just finished 69ing and then picture that you're just going to stay? She should have finished. But you just somehow you both finish. Or you don't. She does. Yes, she does. She has to at least. And then you're deciding to say, I'm not coming up to end this with like a cuddle and a kiss and talk. I'm just going to immediately go to bed.

No tooth brushing. So Ben, the floor is yours. You've just finished a 69. You're Ben and Audrey. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to bed. It sounded like he hurt his back. All right, Ben, keep going. Audrey, what are you doing? Go shower your weirdo. You're dirty.

All right. So his Audrey's close to my Audrey. Yeah. Look, it's not great. I'm not going to get, I'll be out. Okay. So now, Oh, he gets to be. So now you're Ben and is Audrey. All right. So Ben, you just finished and will you pitch that you want to go head to toe with sleep and let's see what happens. I'm quite tired. And, uh,

Go to bed. I'm just going to sit up over here at the end of the bed. Yeah, I like the way you ate my pussy today.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I'll see you tonight. By the way. She sounds Jamaican. With your lack of commitment to accents, it really worked when you were mad about how somebody ate your vagina. That I can commit to. That felt right. Wait. All right. Last one. Ben, I'm Audrey. Let's go. Okay. And then, hey, Lamar, will you be Ben? Okay. All right. Christ. My fanny's tired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I think I'm just going to knock out right here. It's at the end of the bed, babe. Are you going to honestly? Yeah. God, that's very much your mom. And that's doing a lot for me, especially with the idea of a 69. You didn't do Audrey. You did Pam and you know it. And you did that to fuck with me. We are. I won't go head to toe. Let's go. Yeah.

Stop. And if you're not finished, I'll go back to the mind. Stop. Hey, you're busting this guy's chops right now. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. I'm going to be on the Peloton for some reason later. Talk about this later. Trying to undo a 69 fantasy. Well, no, I'm not. His mother is beautiful. All right. All right, Ben, let's go to my last pitch. Okay. Because that one was completely derailed and ruined. Sorry. The CPAP does you a favor. I went on the road with a comic who had a CPAP, and he fell asleep with the CPAP in his hand one night, and it was the worst night of sleep I ever had. But it was crazy.

So it's like the story was off the charts and I was like what is happening? So what you could do right you could

Have a couple nights where you fake fall asleep without the CPAP and snore into her ear Right, and she's like yeah, so she has a bad night's sleep She could go to the point where she's complaining about it the next day Then what you could say is I'm having trouble sometimes getting it secure on my face I think I'll disturb your sleep less if I'm down and we do top to tail and I'm down there just in case I don't Secure it that I'm not snoring right into your face pretty good Garth. So Ben

Yeah. Here's what we kind of have for you. And I think we got some options and I think you got to pull one of these and I think it might work, but we've got a double life.

Tough. Gareth doesn't love the double life. Well, I think he's not going to sleep great, but okay. But that is, you're just getting a little less sleep. We've got the Lamar's big date. Yeah, big date. And then at the end, this happened because of sleep. We've got the reverse of it, and that is extra crabby. And then she goes like, what's going on? You go, I'm just not sleeping enough, which leads to a conversation where you pitch head to toe. You've got a- You also could do a combo of that too, it might. Just be crabby.

Don't say why. Just be crabby. Then do the big date, and then it'll be such a big 20. And then you say, because I slept, I'm feeling so good. You do a 69 right after it's over. You just say, I'm going to stay down here to sleep. Good luck with that one. That's a terrible idea. Good luck with that one. She's the first one to do that. Yeah, yeah. And if you do that one, good luck. You're going to be single again soon. You can try this again with the new one. Then you do the, and I think this is interesting, Ben.

You do the loud, exaggerated snore that she goes, are you good? And you go, I'm having a hard time getting this machine to work right. I think it would work better if I had my head on the other side. I disturb you less. And that maybe she could help come up with the idea with that too. No.

Right. Because then she'll go, well, do you want to switch positions? And then you could say you stay up here and then you go, I don't care for head to toe. And she'll go neither. Who cares? So, Ben, what are you going to do, man?

Wait, we're not doing the 69. We're not doing the 69. This is now real life right now. Ben, just to be clear, Ben, your orgasm... I think that is the least likely to succeed. Your orgasm is... His thought is... His thought is the orgasm. It's half seven. You got to hurry. I got to go to work. I feel like the double life is the least...

bad option. I think the double life is the way forward with the bribe at the end. The double life with the bribe at the end. So the double life and then eventually you lead to the big date and you say, I slept so great last night. And she goes, that's awesome. And you go, yeah, I couldn't sleep. So I actually went head to toe and it really worked for me. So hopefully she goes, let's just try that for a while. And you say, with me, it always changes every few months. So this won't last forever. But if you're good with it, I am.

Yeah. You're going to do that? What do you think your wife would do? Like, if someone went into your house, like, I snuck into your house while you were sleeping and filmed you sleeping on the couch and sent it to her and, like, the whole time she had no idea. Wouldn't care. She wouldn't care. Yeah. She's asleep. Yeah. It's like, I was...

What that got to do with me? You know what? She wouldn't care. She'd say, what the fuck is this guy doing in our house filming you sleeping? And I'd go, we're working on a spec pilot. You're missing the point. Yeah, exactly. Honey, you don't get it. You miss every shot you don't take. It's going to be great. We got Tony Baker. It's going to be a good parody. Finally. Two Bryans. We wish you all the best, buddy. Thank you for the call. And Lamar, thanks for coming in, man. Oh, yeah. 69 if it doesn't work. Thanks, buddy.

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Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hi there. Hi there. How are you? I'm good. Great. How are you? I'm great. Thanks. That's great. Jake, you good?

You good? Hold on a second, caller. We're just going to get a little temperature on Jake here. You good, buddy? No problem. Can I get, first of all, welcome. We're here at Elvin and Mary's No More Podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yes. I'm James. I am 31, and I am calling from Arizona. Arizona. Jake, you're good? Yeah. What part of Arizona, James?

Phoenix. Wow. I don't know why you're hiding the... I'll tell you what, I've flown in there a bunch because I love Jet Suite X so much. Phoenix is a pretty good airport for a hub. I just went to the Grand Canyon over spring break. What a blast. Sky Harbor is pretty solid. It's great. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Driving from there to the Grand Canyon, beautiful. Sedona, beautiful. Yeah. Downtown Phoenix, nah, not great. But there's a lot about Arizona that's... The drive through that state is spectacular. Yeah.

That makes me happy. I figured a couple of Hollywood elites like you would think Arizona's a dumb desert country or something. I don't know. That makes me happy to hear. Thank you. Come on, Jimmy. I'm joking. I know you. I also appreciate you calling us elites. Yeah, by the way, let's not...

sleep on the fact that you just called us. Because nobody in Hollywood's calling us elites. Yeah, if you think we're elites, there's a problem with your scale. But James, we're not here to talk about how Jake and I are struggling to get our place in the hierarchy of Hollywood. We're here to talk about you and solve your problem. Now, what in God's name is going on, and what the hell can we do to fix it? Yeah, what I wanted to talk to you guys about is, I

I am a pretty non-confrontational person. Just by nature, I've just always been a people pleaser. But here's the thing, and I didn't say this yet, but basically this trait sometimes I think doesn't quite jive with my job and what I do for a living. Which is? Which is I'm a divorce lawyer. What the fuck? What? That's a turn, Jimmy.

I know. A non-confrontational divorce lawyer? The sweetest divorce lawyer. Well, have you tried giving her another chance? I know what you walked in on, but there's got to be a reason behind it. Have you ever tried to see it through his point of view? I mean, honestly, what do you say a 50-50 split? That sounds pretty fair right down the middle.

Well, it seemed like it was your money because you made it. So I don't know why you're asking for half. It feels unfair for you to try to take what's actually his. All right. So you're a divorce lawyer who's non-confrontational. Keep going.

Can you help me find a way to be both? Because like I said, I like being nice. I don't want to be an asshole, you know, but is there a way, do you think there's a way for me to do that while still being a good divorce lawyer? Well, let me cut the shit really fast because this is one of these big kind of abstract ones that are tricky for us. So let me ask you this. Are you successful at your job?

I think so. I've only been doing it for about six months. Jamie, how's the money? Are you doing okay? What's the scratch? I'm doing okay, yeah. So I don't see a problem, honey. Do you think your nature has gotten in the way of you doing your job better?

The only thing is that, like, I think one of the things is, some of my clients, I think, want, like, a bulldog, like, you know, like, kind of a badass who's, like, you know, like, kind of like a stereotypical lawyer. You know, like, I just felt like, oh, fight for you. Yeah, exactly. So, Jimmy, I'm going to jump in here with a pitch. One, slick your hair back. I want gel in that hair. And when you think you're done, put another scoop in.

And two, I want you to grow a goatee. No, professional goatee. Oh, God. A professional goatee. And three, I want to do an exercise with you. And here's what the exercise is going to be. I'm going to tell a story to Gareth and you interrupt me and take over the story.

Oh, God. And you say, get back to you. Are you ready to start? Yeah, and I'm just going to pick up the story and keep telling it. Or you're going to go back to making this about you and your goatee, okay? But while you do it, I want you to imagine that you have a thick goatee and you have your hair slicked back. Are you ready? Okay, yeah. Do you have that? I got it. What's on your fucking chin, Jimmy? A big-ass goatee. Well, not a big-ass goatee, but a... Professional. You know, a... Yeah.

A tasteful professional goatee. Okay, good. You're not a new metal singer. Let's not get too into how professional it is because now you're making it seem like a polite goatee. Yeah. It's a little disgusting, Jimmy. You're mormoning the facial hair. I mean, I wouldn't go crazy with it, but it would be something that wouldn't offend anybody. Tasteful, nothing too much. But I want a goatee that might gross somebody out a little bit, okay? So now, Jimmy, we're going to start. You got your goatee. Okay, you got your hair. Hey, Garrett, those shoes, I'm really liking...

Those shoes you got. Thank you. Because you could run in them. Yep. That's what I like about them. You could also go to dinner in them. That's what I like about them. But they look nice. They're a good workout shoe. What I like is on the road, I can wear these to work out, and I could also wear them on stage. 100%. We're talking about a carry-on. Yeah. Hey, Jimmy. Remember the exercise? Hold on. That's actually a great point. Jimmy. Jimmy. The only way. Jimmy! Shut up!

Shut up. Look at my goatee. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'm the divorce lawyer here. You already blew it. You blew it. Did I fuck it up? Well, yeah. Oh, I thought you told me. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. Oh, man. Jimmy. First of all, by the way, might I suggest going with Jimmy? It's a little more sleazier. It might help if you had people call you Jimmy. You got the goatee. We're talking about... A new guy. We're talking about changing a lifestyle. But what I...

Well, the problem with what you just did was Jake asked you to interrupt. And you waited for us to pause. You waited for the pause and then you complimented. So we're going to go again, Jimmy, and you're going to find a way to interrupt. Did you hear the way that Jake reprimanded you? That's the energy. That's the divorce lawyer you're going to be by the end of this call. All right, here we go. Are you ready? All right. Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. What's on your chin, Jimmy?

A tasteful yet dastardly goat teeth. Okay. I can live with that. I can live with that. I got to tell you, Garf, I love the hat because it reminds me of signs all throughout Chicago growing up. That old style. I thought you meant the movie for a second. Okay. No, that old style sign is still. Jake, shut the fuck up. Whoa. We're talking about me now. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. I don't give a fuck what you were just saying about that hat.

What's going on, dude? I'm the one with problems. What's the problem, dude? I don't need Hollywood elites, Hollywood liberal elites like you guys talking over me. Okay, I'm sorry. Now you'll see.

From my visage that I've got a goatee. That means I am serious fucking business. Okay. You'll also see. Well, look. Yeah, we see. We see it. I'm not trying to be a dick or nothing, but it's just like the way you guys were just ignoring me. Sorry. All right. So can we kind of get back to my thing now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. But James, all I have to say to you is,

You did it, my man. You're ready. Great. I love it. You're there, King. I love it. That's the energy. Can I tell you guys, this is not a joke. I'm literally, my hands are shaking right now.

Alright, well why don't we do this real quick? James, it was so good! That was great. Let's do this real quick, okay? I'm gonna be a client, and I'm gonna tell you I don't wanna go for too much. I wanna make- Okay. Now I'm not saying you go this route, but let's just do the exercise since we got your hands shaking. Okay. Alright? So I'm gonna tell you I don't really wanna go for the gut on this. I don't wanna rip the throat out of my significant- You tell me what you want from me, okay? Okay.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, she was she was cheating, but I kind of feel like at this point, I just want to make it smooth. Just get out. I mean, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter too much. I'm just kind of in a dark spot. Listen, listen, listen. Look at that goatee. Yeah. Billy. Yeah. Billy. Can I can I tell you something, Billy? Yeah, Jimmy. How are you going to let this woman waltz into your life?

basically trick you into marrying her. She emasculates you, sleeping around with all these other guys. Well, no, it's true. You're a worthless, little, feckless little man. No, it's true. She made you that way. How are you going to just let her

just take you for, you're just going to let her take you for a ride. Well, no, I'm watching the pilot to better call Saul. Yeah. It's happening. This is great. You've become, by the way, Jimmy, dude, you're right. You're the guy. Jimmy is his name, right? Yeah. So James, we're put into bed and you're becoming Jimmy. You said something in this that I really loved. Your tone is right. You're very intimidating. You're not a people pleaser. You're very scary.

I would create a little catchphrase and that is, no, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. And you say that a few times. So when they go, no, and you go, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. And then later when you're going, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. And you can also say, let me tell you something. I've been doing this for a long time. And you go, I've seen people like you a million times.

I like it. Whoa, yeah. And you're saying like even practice? Yes. Like as a meditation? No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. Yes. You're the boss. Take some deep breaths and do that. So let me hear you say that a few times in different tones. Then, no, no, no. Let me tell you something and then take a beat. I've seen people like you a million times.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, let me tell you something. That's great. Pretty good. Okay. Next one. Okay, let's do another one. A little bit, a little bit. You've seen this a million times, man. You're Danny Glover. You're too old for this shit. Okay, all right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, look. I...

I've seen this a million times, buddy, Billy. Can I call you Billy? Don't ask. I've been in this game. I've been on these streets of Phoenix, Arizona for honestly, since you were, since you were just knee high to a grasshopper. No, no, James, you turn it into a joke. You're 31. Listen to me. Listen to me. Okay. I've seen people like you on this show a million times come in here and start getting real and then turn it into a joke. Okay. Let me tell you something.

Did you see what I just did there? Yeah, go ahead. No, James, James. I just did the thing to you. Here's what you did differently. It wasn't real. Yeah, it wasn't real. Here's what you did. You went, can I call you Jimmy? Do you mind? And then you said, I've been doing this since you were a kid. Well, they know you're 31 years old and they're going to go, fuck this guy. He's playing a character. James, you're not playing a character. But does it go to you though? No.

You know what? That's good. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. But I'll also say this. Keep in mind, just because I got to say it.

If you're doing well financially, you're trying to be a good human. I mean, my biggest hope in my life is that my daughters meet a guy like you. Yes. Without the goatee. You're not the bad kind. You're the good kind, James. Guess what? You're extra considerate and you think of others. Yes. Since when is that a bad thing, especially as a divorce lawyer? You're an empath. And maybe, maybe consider being a mediator. Ooh.

Because you would be a perfect mediator. Oh, my God. Because a mediator, you know what you want? Is you want somebody who can see it through both eyes and can talk to each person. And the people, the couple goes, this was a bad situation. But I'll tell you what, James was so helpful and great. And he helped me lose some of my anger. Plus, he didn't have a goatee. What do you think of that, James?

Is that possible? You said it. Genuinely, I love that. I honestly hadn't considered it, but like there, that's, that's a viable like career path that honestly I would love kind of getting to get to kind of help people see both sides.

But that naturally goes to who you are. And I think the mediator game is going to get bigger and bigger with divorces. More and more people are going to realize these fucking snakes are robbing them. All their fake calls and their meetings. You're bleeding two people dry. You're taking the money from the family and you're giving it to these fucking rats. But a mediator, you're going...

I really am just needing the fee so I can live too. And my job is that we all leave happy. That's you, James. James, what I like about that pitch is you can stick with James. There's no goatee. There's no LA looks in your hair and you stay yourself. So James,

Oh, in the end, way better. I gotta be honest with you guys. That's way better. Thank you. What do you think you're going to do for real now? Cause now I'm really invested in you and I hope I never have to use your services. Yeah. Uh, I'll see you real soon. Yeah. But what do you think, James?

I love it. Like genuinely, I think I'd like to do that. I mean, it's probably, it's, it's, I think my understanding is, you know, the mediator position, usually it's like divorce attorneys, you know, who've been doing a little for a few years and then they get into that. Yes. And so like, you know, maybe after I do this for a year or two, I think that's right. I could try that. And then I think what you could do is when you meet with people, genuinely, thank you. I hadn't even considered it. Great James. And then when you meet with people, part of the thing could be is I didn't, you go, look,

I almost went down the road of growing a goatee and slicking my hair back and turning into a piece of shit because that is the only way you could be a divorce lawyer. And I thought there's got to be a better way. And I'm glad you guys are looking at divorce in the way that I'm looking at it. And this doesn't have to be ugly. We can be non-confrontational. We can be people pleasing and we don't have to interrupt each other. Yep. James.

Thank you for the call. Good luck to you, buddy. Good luck, bud. Oh, my God. Thank you, guys. Love you. I love this show. Have a good one, guys. See you later. We love you. We love you, too, man. And we mean it. I can say that to James. Yeah, James, we love you. I love you, James. We love you, buddy. You're one of the good ones on earth, James. That warms my heart. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, I'm hanging up. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.