55: Cruizin for a Boozin
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And we are

Bang! Better than ever. Better than ever. Number one podcast in America. I'm excited about something. I know. Well, truth be told, we don't even know what episode this intro is going to be a part of because you just wanted to get an intro because you've got this unbridled enthusiasm over something. So...

The new HeadGum Studios, some of the stuff on the walls, you know, I get a little picky and I said, let's make some changes. We got Lamorne Morris up there. Rest in power. Rest in peace. And then Gareth, I said, why don't you throw Jose up? The one behind you goes, I got a better one. Can you explain what is on the wall? So we have a poster of me.

I was probably five. Yeah. And it's me doing a poster for like trains, like toy trains. How'd you book it? So I used to do. Well, I truth be told, this is the company my father worked for. OK. But I used to do like there was a time where as a kid I did child model. Oh, my God. Hold on. You guys want to see Garfield as a little boy model? Here you go. And this is me playing with trains.

in front of a fire. You're fucking adorable. You don't even know which one I am. You're the little boy, I think. I'm the little boy. And it was the summer, and we had to do it in front of a fire. And I just remember asking why there was a fire if it was the summer. Good question. And I had a lot of those questions. And then eventually, when I was probably like six, I told my parents I didn't want to do it anymore. Really? Yeah. You said, I'm not a little boy model. I'm a comedian. Yeah. And you went right on stage. Yeah.

Yeah. So we have a great episode today. Yeah. Gareth Reynolds dot com. Follow him on tour. You saw these beautiful photos. Yeah, let's get those numbers up. Jesus. Let's blow those up. Everybody. Thank you for listening. And without further ado. Caller. Hello. Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. How are you doing? Beautiful voice. Good. Good. Can we get your name, please? My name is Joe Cruz. Whoa. OK. And where are you calling from, Joe?

I'm from Lincoln, Nebraska. Nebraska. Great. And about how old are you, Joe? You can say I'm 38 years old. Okay, what would you say? What's that? Nothing. So what can we do for you today? Just a weird way to say your age, like we can say versus like how old you are. Are you 38?

Yes, I am 38. I'm 61 years young, motherfucker. But you can say 38 on the paperwork. You can say whatever you want, asshole. I'm from Nebraska. The government thinks I'm dead. I burned my fingerprints off. So, Joe, what can we do for you, buddy? All right. So I got a real serious question I need help with. I was just appointed chief pizza and beer officer for Casey's General Store. Now, Casey's is a

A Midwest sensation, their fifth largest in the nation. Wait, is that you? Joe, you got a red tie, mustache, black hair, is that you? Yeah, that's me. That's a fucking great headshot, my man. Jake Johnson cousin? Quick pause. We'll do this in post. Throw up my first headshot where I was wearing a bear sweatshirt. We're kind of brothers here, my man. All right. So you're chief beer and pizza officer at what?

At Casey's. And what's Casey's? It's a gas station chain general store chain. Awesome, man. Well, congrats. You also have a great headshot. Thank you. Okay, so this is obviously enticing from the beginning, but how did you get this role? Were you working at Casey's before, and they're like, this guy's a drunk? And quick pause, quick pause. And you got to also, Joe, you have to make me a promise, and I would like you to put this in writing.

But in hopefully 50 years when you pass away and there's the service, they always put a big photo of the person. Yes. Will this be your wreath picture? So that everybody has to cry and be sad, but they got to look at that. I miss him, but that is an inappropriate image. That would be my happiest funeral to go like, I love this guy. Absolutely. I'll write the will right now. Yeah. That would be my happy funeral.

Casey's probably has someone who can do that for you. So you were working there, and then what happens? Do you just get promoted? No, no, I wasn't working there. I'm outside. You just like to party. So it's a little controversial. I just love to party. But my friend saw the...

the contest or the job opportunity. OK, send me the link. I see like, Joe, you eat so much pizza, you drink so much beer. This is perfect for you. Wow. So I went ahead and applied and I won the job over 500 candidates. And and yeah, I'm ready to go. When you say the job, before we get to your issue, what is the job?

You just go around partying? Basically. No, what they want me to do is pair a pizza and a beer

every week until my time served. Great. So I'm going to be every, we're going to be doing thirsty Thursdays. I'm going to be pairing pizza and beer together. And then I'm going to tell the community and I'm going to tell the world about my discoveries and what I find. Wow. Well, let's do this to start Joe. Congratulations. Second, let's give you some, so you're doing a good job over there at Casey's where, where can they find you?

Is Casey's all throughout Nebraska or is it just in Lincoln? Oh, it's in 17 states. Oh, so you, this is a big gig, John. Yeah, I definitely have driven by Casey's. Yeah, it's big. It still hasn't quite hit me how big it is, but...

It's in 17 states. That's what we call Casey's country. Great. And it's all straight through the Midwest. Well, first of all, now, because I'm sure your bosses are going to listen to this. The first thing Casey's needs to do is put that headshot on billboards all across every highway. There needs to be that with your record. So Thirsty Thursdays is the night of the parent.

Yeah. So first of all, to Joe's bosses, that should be on the highway right before the Casey's pull off and go. Is it Thursday yet? Yes. If so, Thursday, Thursday. Yes. Check out what what what is your we also need a name for you. Can't be Joe.

What's wrong with Joe Cruz? Joe Cruz is cool, but that guy in the headshot, you know, and I don't mean this as a news show. But like, Cruz control is interesting, but you are now a character.

And that guy in the headshot is selling all of us his personal beer and pizza. And we trust him. You're no longer a guy named Joe Cruz from Lincoln. Could be Casey Cruz. Casey Cruz. Kind of like a little bit like interest. It's funny to see that picture. I mean, maybe it's different if you grow up around Casey's, but it looks like you're Casey.

And maybe it's sort of like a Dalai Lama deal or like Wendy's. Yes. Yes. Like maybe it's like a Dalai Lama deal where when they move on from Joe, we just get another guy in. And that's the new Casey cruising for a boozing, cruising for a boozing.

Bruising for a booze and good bruising for. No, no, no. All right. I'm going to beat the shit out of you until you drink this lager. OK, Joe. So. All right. So let's. What is your exact question before we pitch you on everything? What's your question?

Well, what I really need help with is getting the tagline down. So when I finish the videos or something, I need that catchphrase. Okay. And then give us, okay, so the videos are going to be kind of what? Well, I'm going to be doing a lot of little promotional things like throughout, but they really want Thursdays to

to happen. Uh, let's see tomorrow. I'm going to go record a little video, like introducing myself at a store, see if people recognize me as the customers come in. They will soon. So even if they don't, don't get your feelings hurt at the beginning. So, okay. Thank you for that. Well, it takes a while. I was a little nervous that no one would recognize me.

Believe me, my friend, I've done many things where I'm like in an indie movie and they're like, stick around to like do a Q&A with the star. And not only was no one at the theater, but nobody stuck around. You just got to take the beating. But so what we're looking for is essentially,

we have on this show and our commercials, we've got a guy we've hired named Gil Buchanan. Yeah. And Gil Buchanan comes in, reads our copy a little bit and does our ads. But we're basically looking to turn Joe Cruz into this version of you that at the end of every video you do, it's your Joe cruising for a booze in with the thirsty Thursdays where the pizza tastes as good as the blob, whatever that is. And I'm going to say, I,

I'm going to have some bad pitches and Gareth is going to win this call. I don't know. I don't know. So, and really what you want is you want the, you want a catchy tag, which I think is great. You want a thing that is a signature Joe Cruz or Casey Cruz. We'll see where we get to is your line at the end. Something people return to something that's very. Yes, but I'm also going to say, and Joe jump in and interrupt us if you're feeling inspired because we talk a lot, but we got to keep hearing from you. So,

Okay. What do you think? Because when I'm looking at this photo, and we just saw it with Taylor Swift at the Super Bowl, we see it with every football player that goes to a basketball game. The big funny thing that people do, started with your boy Aaron Rodgers, is when he and that left tackle would be at a Bucs game, they show that- Chug a beer. Yeah. They're the, like everybody else, they lift up their beer and they chug it. Perfect.

Part of what I think we should end every video and everything you do, Joe, is at a certain point, you take a huge bite of pizza, then you chug the remainder of your beer, you wipe off your face, and you go like, whoop, oh, Ric Flair. You go like, whoop, whoop.

thirsty Thursdays cruising for a boozing you tap into like a little bit of sound a little bit of excitement when we're starting in that what's your first kind of feeling I'm digging that I like the energy I like I like just leaving it with a big bang yes instead of like goodbye everyone and I trickle away what do you think about ending each one with a beer chug

I like it. There's one problem. I am terrible at chugging beer. I actually think that could work for us. Okay, keep going. Well, I mean, when you think about the virality of videos and what... If you are unable to do it, I think that could be a funny thing

that you could keep trying to do that. If you sort of say, you eat a slice, like if the way we ended the videos is you eat a full slice of the pizza. - Wait, hold up, say exactly where you're at. Are you fast at chugging pizza?

I can chug pizza fast. Great. Okay, keep going. So I think the way you do it is like, and you're not just only the spokesman for Casey's pairing of the week, you're also a client. And you shove a piece of pizza in your face and then attempt to chug the beer. Or there's some version of a catchphrase, because I love it in everything, that you do that where before you do it, you go...

you go, you chug pizza, you sip beer. Yeah. And then you eat a slice of pizza really fast and then you try to chug, but you go slow. Yeah. And then you go like, I'm Joey Cruz. And what I'm going to tell you to do is come to cases where you eat fast and you drink slow. Yeah. The beat goes on too long. Then you finish. And then you, we create a Ric Flair where you go like, I'm Joey Cruz coming from cases to tell you to eat fast and drink slow. Then you go. Yeah. Yeah.

Thursdays. I mean, I can I can work with that. Something like that is great. The slow sip is very funny. I think if we know that you can't chug beer watching you try to do that at the end of every one of these.

As we will tell you, as people who have a podcast, retention is great. What is going to keep people watching until the end of the video? They might start at what I think what can get people to finish is we see a sized beer like you have in your Casey's picture. And we are promised that you're going to attempt to chug the beer, but can't.

What do you think? Where are we at on this, Joe? And then it could pump up other people that are really good at chugging beer. Yes, yes. Totally. And they would be like, well, look at this guy. Can't even do it. Well, you could even say, you could even say, if you think you can chug a beer better than me, send us your videos. We want to see them. KC's Thursday, Thursday. It can't just be the beer because we got to remember we're selling a brand. Yes. And that is, this is not about, this is not a frat party. Yes. So,

Part of it is you are pairing the perfect pizza with the perfect beer. So you eat that pizza fast. Why? Because eat a bunch of slices of pizza. Yeah. We're not selling everyone to get blackout drunk at a gas station. No. We're telling people to eat a bunch of slices, have the perfect beer with it. You are trying to drink fast, but when you finish, you go like, can't chug it, tastes too good. Yeah. Now-

Give me a taste, Joe, of I've given you my Ric Flair's. If you were going to just go from the gut, don't think this. Give us three different sounds that you could make that are high energy, excitement, that we can create a Joe Cruz sound. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. All right. And so say this. We're going to go like this. Just to get you started, go eat fast, drink slow.

Cruisin' for a Boozin' with Joe Cruz, and then say the sound. All right. Take one. Eat fast, drink slow.

Cruisin' for a bruisin'. Yeah! How about this? We got a Ryan sitting there. That's the Howard Dean. That is the Howard Dean, and we all know his campaign didn't really go too great. But it was pretty good, Joe. How about this? Eat fast, drink slow. We're on cruise control with your man, Joe. I love that. Hold on. That's great. Eat fast. Drink slow. Hold on. Joe, write this down for a second. Eat fast.

Drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man, Joe. You're on cruise control.

With your man. And you want to say Joe Cruz or no? I don't know. I think I mean, I think the cadence sounds better as just Joe. I think so. Yeah. Fast drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man, Joe. And then what I would do is I would I this would be my my pick. You eat the pizza before that. Delicious. And then you toast.

at the end we know if we watch these videos you're always trying to chug the beer at the end so that you don't have copy to get through after yes that you end with your attempt at chugging a beer and we just love to watch that because we know you can't do it and then you do

sound effect yes right yes i'm digging it i'm digging it okay so let's let's try that now so that was your howard dean i think that's a winner but let's hear a different sound let's just do a few of these in a row and get a sense of what you're uh remember it could be like a whatever you want or uh yeah whatever you're the boss okay all right here we go eat fast drink slow you're on cruise control with your man joe

Oh yeah. Pretty good. Great. Now here's what I'm going to say. The energy from the, your audio does not match the audit, the energy from the photo. Yep. So the guy in that photo is coming at a 10. The guy on the call is a six and a half. So can we see now keep in mind, you're now a character, you're Joe Cruz and Cruz is not the way you spell it. It's Cruz like cruise control.

So Joe Cruz is bigger energy, more excited because what he lives for in life is drinking beer and eating pizza. So let's give a little bit more of right before you start, go, oh yeah, baby. Take a beat and then get into it. Let's see how that sounds. Wait, I'm sorry. He's giving you a warm up. So here's the warm up. Before you start, go, oh yeah. Then say your eat fast line.

I should grab a beer for this, but it's okay. We're all right. Hey, we'll wait a minute. You're Joe Cruz. It's 1.30 there. Not only should you grab a beer, you should eat some pizza. Yeah.

All right. We'll wait for you to come. I haven't gone. I'm getting, I'm getting, I got to do it. Yeah. Great. Hey Joe, were you, Oh wait, you're calling from your phone so you can't film yourself too. Nevermind. Oh, it would be so great to, but what we're going to do is we're going to show this video. Yes. So the end of this call, send us a video, the first video you make with us and then we'll connect it to it. Great. All right. Deal. Deal. And we'll tag you on all that good stuff and hopefully, uh, get you some numbers. All right.

I like that. All right. So, Joe, fucking bring the goddamn heat. You are Joey Cruz. Oh, yeah. Eat fast, drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man, Joe. Cheers, baby. Great. I'm still chugging. Keep chugging. Oh, it's really cold. Keep going. But it tastes delicious. That's fine. All right. And then Ric Flair, the end.

Hold on. Gareth talked throughout the whole fucking ending. I'm supporting him. So I think it's really good. We didn't hear the end. So here's the one thing I'm going to say. I think you're there. I would love to hear it one more time. We need a new beer. And in real time, hear the ending to see how long it goes. But that chug doesn't have to be too long.

because if they're going to be posted, they might not keep all that in. So just do your first big sip when you need to stop. Stop. I love if you want to comment on the beer, do it, and then give us a big Ric Flair ending and let's see how that feels. And then I think finish chugging the beer as we're going to black. But I think we might be in a great zone here.

How are you feeling, Joe? I think I can handle this. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. All right. So we are not going to interrupt this one. I just want to hear this is yours. We aren't, because I will say Jake was a little chatty. I want to hear how you do it. You're in charge now. Okay. I'm resetting here. I do got to say, I'm at my real-time job, and I have a couple of coworkers just staring at me right now. Let them stare, Joe. But that's good. I can handle the pressure. That's right. This is cruise control. All right.

Hey, will you ask one of them? I'm an eye doctor. Hold on. Will you ask one of them to film you? Yes. Yeah, I certainly can. Let's just do that. Can you grab the top phone for your phone and record me for a second? What is this other job you have?

I work at a certain fine shop. Oh, nice. Perfect. It's called Perch Merch. I love it. All right. So if you're in Lincoln, Nebraska, stop by Perch Merch. Let's stay on one promotion at a time here, Joe. Okay. I like that you're a multi-hyphenate. All right. All right. All right. Your buddy's filming you? We got it. Okay. Yep. She's filming. We're good. Okay. Now, Joe, go fucking hard on this one.

All right. I just ate a big pizza. We're good to go. I feel a burp coming. It's awesome. All right. Eat fast, drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man Joe. Cheers. Woo! I mean, pretty good, man. That's pretty good. How you feeling?

I'm feeling good. I'm liking it. I'm feeling good. Yeah, Joe, I think you're in a great zone. I would make sure your Ric Flair is not Ric Flair's. So you got to give that a little extra different heat. Give me three quick options that are not Howard Dean or Ric Flair. Yeah, baby. Okay, number two. Three, two, one, go. All right. Okay, number three. Three, two, one, go.

Cheers, honey. And three, two, one, go. Three, two, one, go. Party time. Party time. I think to your point before, it's the gas station. Do one more. Three, two, one, go. Casey's baby. Casey's baby. That's great. Then you tied it. That's great. Casey's baby. That's the end. Hey, Joe.

Thank you for the call. Joe, we can't wait to see the video you just took and the future Casey spots you're doing. Yes. Send us everything, man. We will for sure post it. Congratulations. You got the best job. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. All right. Go back to making signs drunk. This year, Dell Technologies back to school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love Squarespace. Squarespace has so many things to help you build your business. I use Squarespace for my personal website. We built Squarespace for the Suits and Wigs party. Look, they've got...

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It helps you build merch, all these things. So go to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off of your purchase of a website or domain using the code Gil sent me. Hello. Hey, caller. Thanks for joining. Jake has been pretty bad at the intros today, so we're going to let him handle this one. I give to you now, Jake Johnson. Jake. Hi.

Hi. Hi there. Hi. What's your name? I'm here. Hi. I'm here too. What's your name? My name is Aubrey. Aubrey. Aubrey with a B? I mean. Yes, Aubrey with a B. Or a D like a plaza.

I'm in a solid not funny zone. But it's become funny. Okay, for you. It's great for me. Starting the call with, hi. She's like, Kevin, I don't know who this is. She's like, does somebody else talk? Yeah. Get this fat ass off the line. So Aubrey with a B. What city and state are you in?

I am from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. Milwaukee, the good land. Great state by a great lake. You know, my brother had his bachelor party in Milwaukee. Well, you have Wisconsin ties. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I love Milwaukee. Could be a show title spin off. Great city. Wisconsin ties. Yeah. OK, where in Milwaukee you live in, Aubrey?

Um, so I was in river West for a while and I'm on the outskirts. Oh, beautiful. So I'm a Milwaukee river East. Uh, that's great. Good for you. You drinking a lot of beer out there. How old are you?

Hell yeah. I'm 25. 25. Oh, what's your favorite bar? Let's give him a shout out. Um, art bar is my favorite bar in Riverlands. It's amazing. Art bar. Hey, everybody at art bar, if Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink? Yeah. Maybe a shot. What are you, do you take shots, Aubrey? I am definitely more of a sour beer girl. Okay. All right. Well, give her a sour beer. All right, Aubrey. Hell yeah. What?

What's the call about? Is it okay? I feel like drinking. Go ahead, Aubrey. I would love a drink. I would drink. It is, what is it, 11? Yeah. I would drink. Okay, go ahead, Aubrey. What can we help you with? Yeah, so I have an orange girl cat. She's really, really sweet, but really freaking romantic. Do you need me or is this just a Gareth call? Go to the car, Jake. I'll handle everything. So I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got a big fat cat and I'm a little bit lonesome and I wear a vest. Gareth? So I am Gareth's algorithm. Ha ha ha.

I'm Gareth's algorithm, the person. You are Gareth's Instagram. Honestly. If you were four random people with not a lot of teeth from another country singing, you would be mine.

Okay, keep going. This is great. Orange cat. Orange cat. What's the cat's name, Aubrey? Her name's Lovie, like say Lovie. Okay. So a while back, she started digging into my bathroom trash bin, and she pulled out my Q-tip, and she licked it clean off like a freaking popsicle. So this is what I'm saying about animals is they're disgusting. They're not our children. Oh, come on. You've got friends who've done that. Keep going. Keep going.

So I'm like naturally a curious person. And I was like, why the heck do you like earwax? And I fed it to her directly from the store. If this cat talks, I'm moving on. Hold the fuck on. Yeah, you confronted her. Hold on. Yeah. Don't blow past this. This is abusive.

You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat?

Yeah, I was really curious to see if she'd eat it. I don't know how I missed that. I think I was so enamored that I didn't hear that part. This is animal abuse, is it not? Well, it's hard to say, Jake. I mean, it's certainly, I don't know. This is real Wisconsin behavior. In Wisconsin, they call earwax the head popsicle. 100,000 people in Green Bay are like, why is your guy being so mean to the child? Why is Jake throwing a flag on the play? Let him play.

You got food in your ear. Give it to your animals. What are you going to do? It's just going to sit in your head. You know, they say money doesn't grow on trees. Well, food does grow in our ears. All right. Okay. So you give the cats some of your ear candy. I'm going to barf. So supposedly it's a protein thing. Shut up. It's actually not bad. Shut up. No, I swear. Don't you spin this, you mad woman.

Google it. Google it. So you're claiming you have a protein source in your ear for animals. Yeah. So then why doesn't everybody do this since the beginning of time? I'm going to start. After a gym session, just start eating from your ear? Or just like pick your ears and just feed it to random dogs and go to somebody's house and do this food source. Oh, my God. You're a beautiful cat. Do you mind if I just pick my ear and feed it? It's a protein source.

I'll tell you what they're going to do. They're going to knock you out. Sit. Good boy. Here you go. All right. So keep going. You pick your ear. You get a protein. This is just... Yeah.

So she's obsessed with it. Like she'll come to me and she demands it. And I'm at this point, I'm at this point where she gets mad if I don't do it. And it's obviously weird and I need to stop. And so I'm like, Jesus Christ. Are you asking what other thing on your body you can feed the cat with? Cat food. Yes.

Cat treats. So here's what I really feel like this call is. Aubrey, you and I were vibing. We were connected. We were on the same page. And then you're feeding your cat from your head. You know what I really feel like this call is, Aubrey? What I honestly in my gut feel?

I feel like I'm out with Gareth and he's introducing me to his new girlfriend. And I'm sitting there and we're all talking and you're telling it and Gareth is drinking a red wine laughing going like, yep, I get it. And I'm going, these two fucking banana head blokes.

deserve each other. Or it's like this where I'm like, look, I met a girl. We have so much in common. She's great. She's great. She's a cat. She's way younger than me is what you should say. She's way younger than me which is great. Which is great. Like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know and she's like, what's Wayne's world? Like it's great. Do you know what I'm saying? It's just,

one thing. Little thing. Little thing. Just, again, not a flag. What is it, buddy? Well, she just... Wait, let's do this. Okay, yeah. Aubrey, we're going to play something out really fast. All right. Let's do this for real. Okay, all right. So Gareth and I are at... Catching up. Great work today, man. Yeah, that was really good, man. Really fun stuff. You know, my girlfriend... Well, not my girlfriend, but this girl I've been going out with...

She really likes the show. The young one. Yeah, yeah. She really likes the show. Fine. We should have her on. Yeah. I mean, I think she just wants to come down and watch taping one day. I don't know if she's ready for the camera. You know, she doesn't have a vest. But, you know, the thing is that, like, everything's good, dude. She's from the same place as me. Like, we go out drinking. She's from London? Yeah.

No, from Milwaukee. So we have the... Aren't you from England? You just kind of fake Wisconsin? It's a confusing origin story. I'm not even sure, to be honest with you. But it's a bit of a mix match. Hold on. I'm sorry. One second. Yeah, can I get another beer for me and whatever? I'll have a Malbec, please. So, yeah. I'm so sorry. One second. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course, I'll take a selfie. Really? So you like that too? Yeah, wonderful. Oh, you like New Girl? You've watched... Have you seen the last season?

Okay. They have it? No, or they haven't. Didn't really register them. I'm so sorry. Hold on. Nice to meet you, Steven Spielberg. I'd love to talk projects with you. Oh, Spielberg, eh? Hello. Keep going. I'm so sorry. Hold on one second. Jesus Christ. You can't go out with Jake. Hello, business manager? Yeah. It's done what on the stock market? Well, I guess we need to give all- What's the stock market? We need to give all that to charity because that's my vibe. Okay. Clearly there was no one on the other end of that phone call.

So she's great. And she has this cat, and I love this cat. Her cat's named Lavi. C'est Lavi. C'est Lavi, exactly. So French, which I adore. It's the language of love. I adore. Okie dokie. And so it's great. The one thing is that the cat and her, I guess, have this, they've developed this sort of thing where she feeds the cat

Her earwax, which I don't love, but I'm also willing to kind of like, like, I really like her. Like everything about her is great. Again, I mean, she likes sour beer. You know, she's dumb. It's pretty, she's great. We're hanging out in River West when I go back. So, but so there's all that. But she's, yeah, the cat, I guess, pines for the protein. I guess there's a lot of protein in your earwax. Nobody would know that.

Obviously, but she's feeding the cat the her earwax. And I mean, I'm not saying like she like there's, you know, she's got like a special nail like she calls it the digger. And so she takes the digger. You need to invent stuff. This story is as weird as it gets. Aubrey, before the digger part, how did you judge you?

Oh, yeah. It's weird. I completely own that. I'm a weirdo. So, Aubrey, the question is now we've set it up. We're all three on the same page. We got to get out of this behavior, correct?

Yes. Yeah. And it can't just be a cat tree because she doesn't care about that as much. It's like she's upset. So I got my first pitch. You've created a crack at it. You don't say to someone you love who is smoking crack all the time. Well, let me give you less crack or let me give you heroin or let me give you this other pharmaceutical drug. You know what you do? You handcuff them to a radiator.

Let them sweat it out for four days as they barf in a bucket. And then when it's all over... You're talking cold turkey. It's a fucking cat that's locked in between the walls of your apartment. You just say...

No. Okay, come on. And when the cat gets close, you go, no. And when it goes to your ear, you go, we both made a lot of mistakes, but it ends now. I don't care how we got here. We got here because of my bad behavior, but we're going to get out of here because of my good behavior. Aubrey, how long has this been going on? Good question. It's been about two years already. Jesus Christ, Aubrey.

Aubrey! Aubrey! Now listen to me. I'm way too old to be a partner. I'm talking to you like you're my child. You listen up, young lady. Are you out of your fucking mind? You're feeding a cat earwax for two years? You stop this right now.

We're not doing three pitches. This is a one pitch call. Aubrey, stop beating your fucking cat, your earwax. You hear me, young lady? I think we got a clip. I mean, we definitely got a clip. Aubrey, do you? I'm talking to you now like a dad. Do you hear me? This is out of line. She can hear you very clearly. She's got nothing blocking it. Aubrey, this ends today.

Oh, my God. I'll tell you what, honey. I'll drive up there with your mom. I'll take the cat from you.

Mom and I will be there in the Oldsmobile. I'll leave Chicago after work today. I'll be there by 7.15. Okay? I will take that fucking cat and I will bring it back to Des Plaines where your mother and I now live. Do you understand what I'm saying, young lady? It ends today. It ends today. If you stick your finger in your fucking ear and you give it to this cat one more time, Livvy belongs to me and your mom.

Am I crystal clear, young lady? It ends today. Say it back. This ends today. Good. The other thing I want you to do, are you near that cat? I'm not. Okay. The second you get home, and honey, I had to do this to you when you were a kid about some of my yelling. You look eye to eye to that cat and you apologize for your behavior.

You say to that cat out loud. And I got certain friends, Eric being one of them that believes animals can understand English. And you, he talks to him like they understand English. And then he goes, they're smarter than you think, brother. And I go, are squirrels smarter than you think? And he goes, you ruin everything. So I want you to look in that cat's eyes and I want you to say, I am sorry for my behavior. We are in a world of trouble together and I'm going to be the adult that get us out of this.

Yeah, I think I needed to hear that. Aubrey, you are in a cycle of madness and we need to pull you out before it gets worse and worse. Who knows what else this cat's going to be begging to eat out of your body? How old is the cat? It's going to be dead soon. She's four. So half of her life she has been thinking that eating ear amber is normal. Yeah.

Yeah, I honestly I had little pitches like you can pretend the treat comes from your ear. But I think Jake is right here. Your pitch. Well, I think if you I think you maybe you're doing the Indiana Jones. You know, you've got the idol in the bag of sand. Again, a reference. You're going to have no clue what I'm talking about on Aubrey. But some of our movies. Yeah, exactly. She's like the Crystal Skull. Yeah. No. OK, we're talking. I think we're talking Raiders of the Lost Ark. So.

Maybe what you can do is get like a you know some kind of little like treat that is like a little package that put in your ear Well, no, you don't put in your ear You just put your finger in the treat and then you fake dig in your ears So we don't have to put treats in your ear because then you could be going to a rapid care and then you're sort of Showing the cat that treat and you can kind of do that for a little while, but I think what Jake's right That's just methadone. But do you what we need to do? Do you have any other little guys because that's there's a fun thing to that. Oh

That's really it. You sold me with your rage. So I don't mind. I do think there's something really funny about putting them fake in years, but I still think that you got to just go cold turkey. Aubrey, what the hell are you going to do? Yeah, I think I just need someone to tell me to knock it off and just quit cold turkey. I mean,

It's gotten to the point where like other people know about it and it's weird, obviously. And they're like, yeah, it is. I just need to stop. Yeah. So at the end of the day, you know, look, we're not really judging. If you knew everything that the old Garf man and Jakey J has done with stuff out of our ears to even begin, you would realize you're not the weird one we are. Yeah. But it is time to stop this shit. And by a week and a half,

From right now, this thing's got to be a distant memory from your past when you went down a weird alley. But it's time to go to the street where the streetlights are on and people can see what you're doing. Yeah, unfortunately, Aubrey, I think we all know the truth, and Jake hit you with a heavy dose of it. And it's time to stop, not just for you, but for the cat, and just for anyone who you get close to. This is a flag. This is not great. Will you follow up when you have executed this

If there is a backlash from Livy, which there will be because you've created an addict.

But when she's out of her phase of addiction, will you give us a happy ending update? And maybe if we could get maybe we could get a video of the process of kind of getting her off the junk. You know, maybe a video of Libby pining for the junk. If she's going after your ear, will you film on your phone? You telling her no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I will. Hey, Aubrey, we wish you the best. Good luck. But it ends today. My God.

All right. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Aubrey.

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Hey, everyone, producer Kevin here. This next call is a follow up from episode 48 from last month called Me Like Brown Shirts and Money with Emily Hampshire. So if you want to have a little refresher, check out that episode and enjoy this follow up. Hey there. Hi there. We don't know who you are, but we know this is a follow up call. So why don't you bring us up to speed? Who are you?

Yes, I'm Chris. I had called a few months ago regarding the wardrobe faux pas I had where I wound up wearing the same shirt as one of my coworkers. Oh, same shirt. You're a bigger guy. You wear the same shirt. There was one shop in the town. Yeah, you're in a small town and you guys have the same big and tall tastes. You got it. So, Chris, what's going on? The floor is yours.

Catch us up. All right. So a little update. So Christmas came and went. I got a couple of new shirts and we didn't wind up getting each other gifts for new shirts, but we did wind up pointing out the absurdity of how we wore the same shirts. He had noticed as well. So we actually decided to work out a schedule. We have a couple of shirts that we...

Yeah. You have a shirt sketch. This is amazing. Was this with Emily Hampshire? Yeah. That Emily was the one who kept saying, why can't you guys just talk? And I think Gareth and I were with you being like, it's weird. It would be weird. How did this subject get broached?

Uh, we actually wound up talking, mingling at the, uh, Christmas party that we had. And, uh, well, you know, a little bit of alcohol kind of helped to, uh, loosen things up, you know? And so we, uh, Chris, who started, who started it? You or him? Um, I actually did. He's, uh, he's a little more introverted than I am. Fucking alpha dog. What'd you do? I,

I just kind of joked how I said, I like your shirt. And he's like, oh, yeah. Yeah. And so we kind of like pointed out that just kind of laughed about the fact that we both obviously have the same taste in shirts. So we just kind of. And you guys kind of became buds. It is bonding. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, this is great news. Yeah, it's great. Actually, we do hang out when we go to lunch. We'll go out and get lunch together. This is the greatest follow-up in a while. This is great. So you guys have become the same shirt brothers. That's what Gareth has been trying to do with me since we started. I was hoping you'd wear big blue today.

I don't know why I did that. I know. You have three shirts. So, and what is it? You guys just literally are, you came up with a little graph or a little spreadsheet where you get to decide who wears what shirt on what days?

Yes, exactly. So we have two shirts that we both have the same pattern for. So what happens is on Tuesday. It's like joint custody. Yeah. So on Tuesday, he wears one pattern, I wear the other. And then on Thursday, we swap. This is incredible. Now, do you guys, is there anything written or was it all verbal? It's a verbal contract.

What a wonderful thing. I love it. And can I make a suggestion? Because it sounds like you guys are becoming boys now, which I love and I think was our dream, even though Jake and I did laugh at Emily's pitch. Since you guys are buddies now, why not either once a month or during Halloween week? Why not wear the same shirt two days a week just to be big boy brothers?

You're like the Bash Brothers. Yeah, that would actually be a good idea. I guess for Halloween we could find a popular culture twin set, you know, from like a movie or something and dress like that. So, Chris, appreciate this follow-up. Yeah, congratulations. What an ending. Yeah, way to go. Thank you so much. Yeah, all the best, buddy. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.