56: Two Clowns is a Circus with Zach Woods and Brandon Gardner
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And we are...

Garfman. So excited. I'm excited. Yeah. And someone who's listening to this is very excited too. I mean. I would hope they would be. Of course. They're listening. Yes. They're doing their dishes. They're sitting in traffic. And they've come with us now. Yeah. Yes. You're on the journey. Early on, I think when we did our second or third one, I said, well, now we're in the relationship. Yes. But we weren't.

Now we're in the relationship. But I bet six months from now, we're going to go, we knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we think we know it now, but we don't know anything. But that's a very, very, it's a very meta problem. So we have a great episode today. We have two guests. Yes. You know what?

I don't feel like doing the intro like this. - Should we set it up a little bit more? - Okay, sure, go. - We have Zach Woods. - Yes, Brandon Gardner. - From the show In The Know on Peacock. - But we don't wanna over promote it. - But it's on right now on Peacock. - Yes, go watch it. - Now really quick, what I wanna say about Zach Woods, give him a little shout out. - Sure. - Zach and I did improv together in New York City in the year 2000. - Wow. - When I think he was a high schooler, right out of high school. - Wow. - There was a group of us,

Uh, and Zach was always next level. Yeah. He's one of these guys career I've watched. I remember him. I honestly think it was a Chris Gathard, Katie Dippel, the whole group of these, they were all younger than me where I was like, Oh, these are monsters. Painful when they're younger too, but so like, but also so good at the game had to give it up. And so I then moved out of New York and Zach's career. I've always watched. And there are certain people that you see when they're starting that you're like, I know he's going to win. Yeah. Uh,

Zach is one of those guys. So if you have not seen his show in the know, and what's it about? Should we just, yeah, why don't we let, here we go. You're supposed to do it with me. That's embarrassing for you. Hello gentlemen. Hello. We're doing the intro. So do you mind telling us a little bit about your show on Peacock in the know? It's crucial.

It's so important. It's really an important show. It's an election year. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So do your responsibility. Makes it... Right. And I think that's all you probably need to know about it. Well, it's the premise. It's really an important show. Okay. And why should people watch it? Comedically, maybe, but more...

That's what I would say, you know? Yeah. You're going to want to be able to tell your kids when they get older, you watch. What did you do? They're going to say, what did you do when In the Know on Peacock came out? Were you watching? Yeah. So if they miss it now, there's no going back? There's no going back. Not with Peacock. Peacock. It vanishes. It vanishes. So if you don't watch In the Know on Peacock in the next probably seven to indefinite years. Yes. It's vanishing.

When he got vanishes, it vanishes. Right. If there's a solar storm and their drivers get, their servers get erased. But also that's something we also ask specifically for a kind of Brigadoon model where it's only on there for a little while. And how much, and contractually, how much does it show? And it only shows in Scotland. Smart. That's smart. It's, it's,

How long is it on there? I think it varies on the individual. It's based on age. Oh, you guys cracked the algorithm. We asked, and then we said we want it to be racialized. We want it to be religious. Oh, wow. And different races, different religions get different events. If you're Filipino, it'll always be on there. Yeah, you'll always have it. What an interesting model. But God help you if you're Moldovan. You will. Get to it. You've already lost. You guys had eight minutes. Yes. Yeah. You couldn't watch a full episode.

So in the know on Peacock. Hurry. Maybe now, depending on your region. But try, see if you get lucky if it's in now. And now, see you later, guys. Back to our interview. Good to see you. You too. All right, and we're back. Do you want to do a return? Come on. Anyway, enjoy the episode without further ado.

Hello there. How you doing? Hey, how you doing, my friend? Pretty good. Well, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, please? I'm Johnny. I'm 42 years old. Johnny. I'm from Texas. Johnny. Hanging in with the Johnny at 42. I love it. Texas, you said? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Johnny, we're going to guarantee success on solving your problem today because you not only have Jake and I, but you also have from the Peacock show in the know. You have Zach Woods and Brandon Gardner joining us today. Welcome to the show, gentlemen. Thank you. Hi, Johnny. So this problem will be solved. You have an issue. What is it?

I do. I'm glad Zach's on it, too, because I know he's a bit kind of guy. I like to do bits. I'm in my 40s now.

Yeah, bits. I think sadly we all do. I think that's a connecting piece for all of us in a bad way. One too many bits. Bits are covering trauma. And my wife is not so much into doing them, but she'll always convince me in the beginning that she's finally ready.

So then I'll start it and then she'll decide that she's not ready and just tell me out. Wait, hold on. The phrase finally ready is my favorite part. Agreed. Okay. It's so sweet and so sad. So you like to do bits. And your wife will not think she can help you commit to the bits, but she can't. What kind of, would you walk us through a bit? Good question, Garth. So we can sort of get a better sense of what the bit looks like. Yeah.

Yeah. So a few examples. Most recently, we were meeting some friends we haven't seen in a long time and we're meeting them for dinner. I know that they're going to ask how's work for her, right? Because she's a hard worker. She loves her job. She's been there for like 20 years. I, when my wife gets drunk, she starts being a DJ with music and she absolutely, I've never seen her happier.

I wish she could be a DJ. I really wish she could because it's a weird thing, but she's so happy when she's doing it. So then I say, oh, we should tell them that you quit your job of 20 years. She's corporate. She's a VP for a large bank to follow your dream of being a DJ. And she's like, okay, how would we do it? So I start walking her through it. She's like, okay, you start.

And then I'll kind of follow. And I'm like, okay, this is it. We're going to do it. So then, of course, appetizers come. They're like, how's work? And I'm like, funny story you should ask. Go ahead, Lauren. And then I start talking about how she's going to be a DJ. And she shrivels up. And she's like, no, this is just something Johnny wanted to do. And I'm like, oh, wow.

That's one. I like to, whenever we go to friends' places, like a dinner or something like that, if we're taking food, I like to take potato salad, but I like to put a bunch of raisins in it. Like a comical amount of raisins. Johnny, you're very funny. That's a great bit. If you're ever in LA and want to do the show, you have a good bite. Honestly, that is such a good bit. Just like entirely too many raisins.

I mean, but that, what's so great about that bit, like the other one is verbal. What's great about that bit is you're basically like ruining a dish for the bit. Yeah. Did you have something? I was just going to say, what's great about it is you just get to observe. That's exactly right. The bit's done. I like the gift, uh,

like the longest, darkest jean shorts I can find. See, Johnny, wait, hold on. What other bits you got? So another gift you give on holidays is long, dark jean shorts. That's a great bit. And then who do you give that to? Just like friends and family? Your mailman? Friends, like my wife. And what is the reaction you mostly get, Johnny?

Well, if we're lucky enough to see them open gifts. Oh, you send it even funnier. You're just dropping bombs, my man. Well done. You know what? Life is too short to not give short. Exactly. It's long and dark and it's short. Just like Johnny's chart. We're all laughing because you're very good at this. So she's probably caught in a relationship with someone who has a bit of an

extra touch skill set with this. And she loves it. And she might not be it. But yeah, she can't. I mean, you are talking about next level. We're talking about UCB early days commitment, fellas. I know you guys know what I'm talking about. Early aughts. So Johnny, what is, so now we got a sense of you.

I think we all like you. You're very funny. Your wife is less funny, which is okay. You're saying she doesn't want to commit to all these bits is the question. How do we get this poor woman to live in your world of bits? Or how do you accept the fact that it's sometimes nice not to have another bit maniac with you? Right. So I haven't changed. No, and you're not going to, I got to tell you, my guy, you're not going to. Okay.

You'd have to. This is like the comedy version of what would require chemical castration. That's correct. And it's not going to happen. This is a disease that you have that you're going to die with. I think the truth is that it's like, I mean, yeah, we can't force the bits into. You can't. Yeah. Yeah. So I do have a pitch on maybe how we either push her in that direction or we just have

We expand your bit world, which is really what you're after a little bit. Save it. Yeah. Don't lose it. OK, I got it. So what is the specific question that we could help you with, Johnny? What is it that you want? The bits that I, you know, if I'm bringing potatoes out with the raisins, then she might text me like just a heads up. Oh, she tells you to say most of your bits don't seem like they require a partner. That's exactly right.

Right. So she'll kind of sell me out. And then, then it's, then I'm the weird, then I'm like super weird. And they know that I'm doing a bit and then I feel weird. Yes. By the way, I'm, I'm totally with you. If I'm bringing potato salad with a lot of raisins and everybody knows beforehand and no one eats it, then I'm just a weird guy who ruined potato salad. That's right. And that's different. That's different. The potato salad still is the king amongst. It's a good one. It is.

- The jean shorts, very funny. - Very good too. - But it's not if let's say you're doing that bit and your wife tells everybody, Johnny's bringing his gross potato salad and everybody goes,

Fuck. All right. So now we got to get a second potato salad. Now you're just an annoying guy. That's 42 who goes by Johnny. I think that's different. I think my pitch can work in that direction. All right. I would like to hear this. Yeah. What is the question? What is it? Is it about how to recruit her into? Yeah. Just will you say specifically what the question is? If you have it. So how do I get my wife to be on board with me? So here's where I'm going to go, Johnny. I know that your question is how to get her on board.

And as your friend on this thing, I'm going to go in another direction. I'm going to say you're the bit king and you married a wonderful woman and you got a great relationship, but you try to bring her into the mud. You know, there's a thing of like, if you hang around dog shit, like you've talked about, like if you have bad friends, you hang around dog shit too much, you're going to start smelling like it too.

And in this example, and I say this as part of you, you're the dog shit, right? So the guy who does too many bits, and I've always been this guy. It's why it took me five years to get through high school is it's fun to be that guy, but it's also nice to have a partner who's not. If you're ruining potato salad with raisins. Two clowns is a circus. One is entertainment. So,

So maybe you're the guy who gives bad gifts. Nobody wants those jorts. So once you've gotten jorts in the second year, you go, it would have been nice if he gave this thought about me rather than his bits. Right. But maybe your wife then gives a gift where they go like, oh, that was really thoughtful. And then I got fucking jorts from Johnny. Right. But when you get to the 10th, but Johnny, when you get to the 10th jort, they go, we love Johnny and his jorts.

So my thought would be leave your wife out of it. And she's surprised, too. If she's ratting you out about the raisins, guess what? She's lost the privilege to hear the bit. She is your first audience member rather than your partner. Am I out of line? No, I think you're right. I quick question, Johnny, completely irrelevant to any pitches. Have you ever given the jorts as a back to back gift?

Meaning year after year? No. Meaning someone's gotten George's Christmas. No, okay, okay. This year was a year that I was going to get my buddy another, well, my buddy is the husband of my wife's best friend. I was going to get him another pair of George's. I felt like it was time. Yeah. That's very sweet. Okay, this is what I would say. Along Jake's pitch,

I think all that's very true. Maybe there's a way to... Kevin's dying over there. It was just so gentle the way he said, because it's time. And he sort of lulled us into his world where we're like, that makes sense. Okay, so I think what you need to maybe do is...

This is an option. I think Jake's is right, and I think you have a happy marriage. You should be happy. So part of you might just want to concede that this isn't going to happen. However, you could shame her into getting on board with a bit by tricking her and making her think that she is in on a bit that you know she's going to blow, but you tell the people that you're going to pull the bit off on that she is in on it. So, for instance, let's say you're bringing raisin potato salad to a party.

You tell her this is the bit, you know, she's going to bail. But you have a few people there and you let them know that you're basically bringing raisin salad with a few potatoes in it. And their job is to act like it's the best thing ever. And that way she is a little thrown into the bit and she's kind of the mark of the bit. And then you can reveal that. And then that sort of presents a future option of, well, if I cave on the bit, I don't know if I'm in on the

bit or I am the mark of the bit. Gentlemen, any thoughts on that? Here's my question for you, Johnny, and this might be just like too crunchy, but here's my question. What is the feeling when she bails on the bit? Is it a feeling of is it a feeling of like, oh, no, this thing that I like about myself, she doesn't like or it makes her so uncomfortable she has to kind of anesthetize it

Or is it something where you feel like, oh, this could be so fun and I want to play with you? Is it that you feel like she's not on board for who you are? Like, what is the core feeling when it happens? I guess that's my question.

She starts out on board. So like on the way to dinner, I'll kind of bring it up and then we're talking about it and it gets me really excited. I'm like, oh my God. And I'm just like brainstorming and thinking what I'm going to say and how ridiculous and I'm going to keep a straight face. And I love seeing other people's faces when they're trying to be sincere and nice. So I get really, really excited about it. And then I think it's going to happen every time like an idiot. And then it's, then she just,

sells me out and all of that excitement and like the little boy in me, it just gets robbed. And why do you think this is really helpful? And then can I ask a follow up? Yes. Why do you think so? Presumably she's excited about it too. When you're, when you're a couple of doofus little boys getting ready, right? She's feeling, you don't think she's being disingenuous in that moment. You think she just, her nerve fails her when you're actually at the

at the do or die time. So why do you think, what is happening with her? Have you asked her what is happening in the moment where she hits the eject button? Hmm.

I haven't. That's a good question to ask. She doesn't like to put herself out there or be vulnerable. This is a deep take on stupid bits, Johnny. Yeah, well, no, I think that's fair. Okay, so I was going to say... What people think about her or something like that. Johnny, I'm going to say there is depth to this, but it's also bits. And here's why I'll say that.

So I do a lot of bits. I've got two kids. I've got them into bits. My wife is like Johnny's wife. And I try and I've been doing bits against my mom since I was a little boy. Raised by a single mom. She's very paranoid. She gets really hot, really fast. So since I was a kid, I would pretend that like she would say, how was school today? And I'd be like, it was really good. Mr. Burgess gave me this like pill that made me like work really fast.

And she would go, what? And I would go like, yeah, he said I was talking too much. It was a little blue pill. He said, swallow it and don't tell anybody. But then I was able to do all my work. She would get to the point we would be in the car and she'd be like, it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. So, Johnny, your wife loved the fact that she's not doing this madness because living in a fucking big castle is great unless you don't want to.

Don't pull her into the madness. Just you live on it. She's your first audience member. Yeah. Wait, Johnny, you're so... I fucking love you. Yes. Just for what it's worth. It's so fun. You're so funny. That's so funny. I agree. They're great bits. They're such good bits. They're great bits. I think we could move him towards deepening their bond, but I don't think that's what this is. I think Johnny's just looking for a partner in crime. Yes. And I don't think she's looking to be a partner. And you probably have another group. You could...

play this with your friends but if you do want to ruin your marriage I do have a pitch do it okay what about this this is what you set up you do the fit you shave you have a fake mustache you tell your wife at dinner you're gonna play a lot with the fake mustache she's on board for the bit you tell the people that this is a bit you don't have a mustache she's probably gonna call it out and then you're gonna fake get drunk at the dinner so you show up to the restaurant you go oh this new mustache is itching me she goes it's a bit he doesn't have it you take it off feign a little bit of aggravation and

and start ordering some whiskeys but you may be set up with the waiter that you want apple juices and you pretend that you're shit-faced before the appetizers arrive she's embarrassed and then at that point you reveal she's the bit you made the bit about her and that's what happens when she abandons you i cut this is dark but i kind of agree with garf you know what you could do johnny she's either with you or she's against you that's it and that is you give her one more chance

And then you go, honey, you're my number one ally, but I'm the bit king. You can either be the queen or you could be on the other side of this moat. Yeah. And guess what's going to happen? You'll be, you'll be, you'll never know. You'll never know. So then you give her one more chance, but if she doesn't play ball, then you know what she gets on the anniversary?

Raisin potatoes and jorts or whatever you want to do. But maybe give her one more chance to come on with the fake world of high stakes. And if not, you say, then unfortunately, it's live by the sword, die by the sword in this family. In this family. And so either you're with me and we go after them.

Or I go after you. You never know. And what might happen, what I hope happens, is she sees the fun of that and she and the friends come after you. And then you are in a fun, big world. Something like that. Yeah, that's good. What do you think you're going to do, Johnny? We've had to leave her out. We've had trick her. We've had go against her. We've had maybe get to more of the root of what's happening. Where are you at, Johnny?

I like the final one. Yeah, I wasn't with it. I wasn't for it at first when you're talking about pretending like I'm drunk at the, at the restaurant, but I do like the, you're there with me.

Or against me. Okay. Not in a hostile way. This is bits, man. This isn't serious. Well, you know, now this is name droppy. This is very name droppy. I was at a party with Johnny Knoxville, who I assume will be buried in Hollywood forever, the most prestigious of the cemeteries. But he said this thing to me, which I thought was fascinating. He was like, I can't do pranks with civilians anymore. Wow.

He goes, because for me, what it means and the threshold and what's okay is so different. And people think they want to fuck with me, but then it's like, they don't want that smoke. They don't want that smoke. Like paintball with a Marine. So maybe figure out, maybe have a conversation with your wife and basically ask, do you want this smoke? Yeah. I like it. And she might say no, but you know what, Johnny? Because you guys have a nice thing. Say, do you want to be with me on these bits? Mm-hmm.

Do you want that smoke or do you just want to be totally out of it? And then let her answer it. And if she says, I want to be in, then go. If you double cross me again, you get in the smoke. That's it. What do you think of that, Johnny?

I like it. Our anniversary is coming up and I think I'm still going to get her a George with raisins in the pocket. You know what I might recommend for the anniversary? A new bit where you bit her and it's a big one. That's nice. Make it fresh for her and make it your best bit.

Because if you just give her, look, if I'm your wife and on our anniversary, I get the old raisins. I go, I've seen this a fucking million times. Oh, I got the jorts too. No, I deserve more. She deserves your best bit. And what gifts are really about, and I've learned this after years of being the worst gift giver, and I'm still really bad at it, is it's just the thought. So the thought that you give her has to have such a high level bit on a bit on a bit that she goes,

This is a lot of bits. And a custom bit. And for her, that ends, that turns, then her friends show up. Then it's something with her life. And then she goes, wow, Johnny. And you go, I've never thought harder on a bit. And the end of the bit is...

I love you. If you want to be part of the bits, you can. If you don't, you don't. The end of it is you ask, do you want the smoke? Yeah. And you're wearing the jorts and you're eating the raisins. But something that it all this anniversary shows, you give her so much thought. And the truth is you're asking if she wants to be your partner in this or no. But it's her option. And you love her no matter what. I think that's a new proposal. I think a new proposal. And you're on your knee.

Yes. What do you think of that, Johnny? Do you want this smoke? Do you want this smoke? I like that. You going to do it? Yeah, I will. I like that. Will you follow up and tell us the details of what you did? And we'll just do a follow-up where you just walk us through that last bit. And I'm going to put pressure on you for it to be great because on the follow-up, you're just going to call. We're going to get quiet. You're going to talk. We're going to say thank you so much. Sounds good. Thanks, Johnny. All right, Johnny. Godspeed. Hey, thank you guys so much. Good luck out there.

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It's happening. Are you ready for the ride of your life? I'm ready. Kevin said no there because there was a technical issue. No, Gareth, stop. Actually, she can't hear you guys. Hold on. Let me say that again. Are you ready for the ride of your life? Let's go from the top with a little less enjoyment. Are you ready? How's it going there? You're on the podcast officially. I'm with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. It's the boys. We're back in town and we're ready to help. What's your name? Where are you calling from? And your age, roughly.

Awesome. My name is Andrea. I'm from Massachusetts, and I'm calling about a specific issue. Wait, hold on. A what issue? Specific. Did you say specific? Or Pacific. Because if you're in Massachusetts, you shouldn't have a Pacific issue. Or maybe that's the issue. You're nowhere near it.

The Mox Brothers will be right back. Sponsored by Rocket Money. You can cancel your subscriptions at any time. That's right, everybody. All right. So Andrea with an A. From Mass, you're about 30s? Yeah. 31? 34? We'll go with 31. Great. What's your sign here? Let's get into it. The Yield?

A yield? I am a Cancer. Or no, I'm a Leo. Leo's known for not knowing their sign, actually. That's one of the specifics of Leo. How old are you? Let's say 31. Let's say Mass. Not specific, but Pacific. What's your sign? I'm whatever you want me to be. What's your issue? Whatever you guys want to help with. So, Andrea, you're the boss here, Lady Jane.

So I am a therapist in Massachusetts and I have an office that I've been renting for over a year. And it's a great office. I really like it. No issues whatsoever. Other than the fact that

The last couple of months or so, I have been getting an influx of flies throughout some of my sessions. So it makes for an awkward therapy session when I offer to kill some flies that are hovering around. And I'm talking that in one single day, I've gotten 15 flies in there. No windows open. I have no idea how they're getting in, but I'm not sure what to do. What kind of flies are they? Are they like gnats or are they like fly flies? Fly flies.

Yeah, they're fly flies. So I usually have trouble killing flies at home, and this might be a little too much information, but at the office, they're super docile. So I don't know what's in their system, but it's very easy to kill them. Maybe they're listening to you give advice. That's very good. You've calmed them down. First of all, I got to say, I like this call. Yeah, okay, good. And I got to say, Andrea,

I too personally and Kevin does not know this and he booked this call I have this problem in my house you have a fly issue every once in a while and I don't know why and I've closed everything up and I've searched for the old food I've searched for a dead animal I don't know where these motherfuckers dead animals a fun move yeah

Okay. But I don't know their origin story, but every once in a while. Is it seasonal? Nope. No. Every once in a while, there'll be one, then there's three, then there's five, then there's 20, then there's none. And this is not from leaving doors open? No. No. So first of all, I want to say I relate and I'm with you. What do you do?

Maybe that'll be baked into your advice. Well, we're going to get to my methods because I get a little bit, I get a little, what is it, Marty Sheen in Apocalypse Now? I would imagine that that would be more of your vibe. And I don't think Andrea probably wants to end up in her underpants sort of looking at a ceiling fan. With a cut hand wilding out.

I name the guys. As your wife comes into the room and you've got a rag on your head, you're like, they're just coming out of nowhere. I'll tell you what I start doing is I humanize them a little bit and I give them names because there's a few of them what you'll see is some are easy to kill, just nobodies, nothings.

Every once in a while, you'll have one where you'll go like, this has been good 12 hours, you motherfucker. And that motherfucker gets a name. Yeah, I do know that a little bit. Yeah, I know the sense where you're like, honestly, can we just say a respectful battle? 100%. And I'll do that. And I'll go like, I'm not messing around, Alvin.

You're that man. But I'll tell you what, so am I. And by the way, what's the lifespan of a flight? 40 hours? So it's really... I'm no man of science. Really fast, Andrea, what kind of therapy are you doing in that office? Talk therapy. So like cognitive behavioral therapy, just kind of the stereotypical. You go into the office and you talk for about an hour and try and help cope with different things that are going on.

Well, good for you. That's good stuff. And I'm guessing the issue is that you feel like people are distracted or judging you or some version of that. I'll tell you what, it's gross. If I'm laying on my back saying stuff about, you know, my relationship with my dad and how in 1984 somebody called me stupid and then all of a sudden I hear... Yeah, you feel like a pile of manure. Yeah, and then I'm going to go...

I'm such a piece of shit, I brought these flies in with me. You know, it's hard for me to not believe I'm a piece of shit when I have eight flies on my arm. So let me just tell you, Gareth, you are not a piece of shit. Hold on, I gotta get this one over here. There's literally nine by your head. One of them's a horsefly, it bit me. You know what you could do, Andrew?

You could blame it on each client and in the middle of the go, I've never seen these before. Just as a form of therapy. What sort of deodorant are you wearing? Do you wear deodorant? Do these flies travel with you, dear? I don't know. These are not normally here. I thought you brought them. They've never been in my office. So as soon as you started talking about your relationship with, what was it, Stephen? 15 flies appeared. Okay.

Wait, and then I would imagine maybe a little hard for you to focus at times, right? You're probably like, oh, God, I missed that detail. You're living in a nightmare. Is that correct? It is definitely hard for me. And then also I noticed the clients notice it at times as well. And so then, you know, and if there's, you know, one, that's one thing, but it's literally five. So it's either me chasing these down around the room mid-session or it's us pretending they're not there.

I will say if I went to a therapist, we got to talk and I go, she's great. And I go, my wife goes, how'd it go? I go, great. Besides she's got the, she's got a fly problem. Yeah. What do you mean? I go, her office is covered in fly. She's a disgusting animal. She's,

He's not the one for me. So you're in a world of trouble. I would definitely be like, this is distracting. While I'm talking, there's flies. What have you done to try to get rid of it? So my windows don't open at all. So I'm assuming they're coming from like a vent. So I've tried to do, you know, things around that. But also it's not just my room. It's like the entire building because I find some dead flies in the waiting room. And so I almost have to do like a maintenance job.

to sweep the area. There's some stink bugs, but they're less destructive. You're renting this space, I'm assuming? Yeah, I don't think she bought an office space in a building. You don't know that?

Who buys the office space? A lot of people buy office space. Really? Yeah. No. Don't look it up. So. 68 and Balmy. And have you tried to do anything? Have you raided the room? Have you bought any like fly killers or anything like that? Or you just were like, I'm going to call these guys on the podcast first and see what these two men who don't know much about insects have to say. Well, I listen to your podcast every single time you guys upload an episode on my way to work. Thanks.

Thank you. Thank you. You know what? Hey, that's not lost on us. No. And you know what? Now I know why you're a therapist because you're a smart person. Yeah. And you're probably listening to our podcast going, boy, these guys know how to solve problems. You probably as a professional. Hold on. Do you listen? Because you said going to work to give yourself confidence. Please say no. No.

Do you quite literally listen and go, no matter what I do, I have an office full of flies and it smells like manure, but I'm better than those assholes. I like that. I like how we're adding that it smells like manure just because I said manure. I'll tell you what, it doesn't smell like roses. That's absolutely right. Now, Andrea, have you ever listened to the show and thought to yourself, hey, that was horrible advice? No, never. It was a long pause. Well, she's lying. So this isn't about us, this is about you, and I'm going to give you my first pitch.

So the pitch is not going to be now that you said it was a building wide problem. This is a problem greater than your ability to fix. In my opinion, you have been there for a year. You're not married to the space. This is time to cut loose, get yourself a quote unquote mistress, which is your new place and make the move. Cause I'll tell you what your clients will do.

They're not loyal to that little box with windows that don't open. They're loyal to you. And you don't want to have a situation where you're lying on your back talking about your papa and your nana in the homeland. And then a bunch of flies buzz on your face. It takes you out. Your fake client is amazing. I am picturing some Russian immigrants. It was long boat ride. Yeah.

Okay. That kid came alone. By the way, it doesn't sound good. It's just me and potatoes. I literally watched the beginning of The Godfather 2. And we're back. A lot of context there. Well, listen, commercial office space is collapsing, it seems. So that's definitely a possibility. Before you do that, I used to go to a therapist and he used to have a white noise machine to sort of drown out so that nobody in the waiting room could hear how psychotic I was. I thought you were going to say to drown you out. Probably. In a lot

In a lot of ways, I was white noise. He had a white noise machine and headphones and earplugs, and he literally quit. And he was shaking a bag of flies every time I came in going, this can't work. Leave. Get out. Get out. How many signals do you need, boy? And so you can buy a little. I was just looking online, and I mean, there's these little fly killers you can buy. I have had fruit flies many times, and it is hell on earth. But Garf, here's where we're not going, Andrew.

$40. You're not going to create an office space with a bunch of weird tapes. No, but you say it's a white noise machine was my point. Oh, like create the sound. Yes, if it makes a noise, you go, it's a white noise machine. I just don't want people in the lobby to hear what we're talking about. I've got a question for you, Andrea, and I know we got a fake name and a fake age and a fake sign, so no one's going to come back to you. You're probably on Los Feliz. What percentage of people...

cry during a session? I say this asking for myself. I would say it depends on what they're dealing with, but I would say maybe 20%. Embarrassing for me. Has anyone ever come in with the problem and said, it's just that my therapist has so many flies and I think I need to leave her. Yeah. Now pretend you're in my office and there's flies going around. Okay. So now you're at home. Okay. Now I want the truth here.

Have you ever, while somebody was talking, just thought, oh, for fuck's sake, shut up?

And percentage of times you've thought, no, no. Come on, Andrea. You've got a fake name. The only way we're going to get to the bottom of the truth here and figure out how to get rid of these flies is to get to the truth with you. There we go. I'm not sure what he's saying, but I'm behind him 100%. Same thing with therapy. If you know people are bullshitting you, you know we're never going to get to the truth behind why Nana hurt you so bad. Let's get real. Have you ever thought, shut the fuck up. You're bitching too much. Has that ever happened? I.

I have honestly never had that train of thought in my mind. You're going to have flies for the rest of your goddamn career because you're not honest. Andrew, I'm joking, obviously. What are you thinking so far, Andrew? Because I will also say, have you ever heard of bug assault?

No. Okay, well, it's a gun that shoots little bullets that kills flies. So, hold on. That could be a nice vibe during a session to just sort of Terminator 2 out a little bug assault and you're just sort of popping them off one by one. Look, we've given you three tough options. And here's what we've given you. Gareth has created, which I think is his best pitch, the idea of some sort of a white noise that

pushes flies away. I think those are mostly for mice and stuff like that. No, it's not even that. It would kill the flies, but you could justify the noise if someone's like, hey. Oh, you're talking about when those zappers? Yeah. You're insane. Nope. So those zappers are, I have one. They're very loud. They're jarring. White noise. It scares dogs. White noise. So imagine this, Gareth. Okay. I don't know. I just feel like my wife and I have them. Nobody in the lab is going to hear you. Go ahead. Then you make the white noise sound. So my wife and I. It's even me.

It's not great. It's not my best pitch. So gun assault, which is, I guess in the middle of a session, you start shooting at flies. You've told me they're slow and dumb. I do think naming them is fun, but it's not going to help you in closing. Here's my advice. You got to pick up and you got to leave. You got to get a new office. Uh,

This issue is not going to follow you. What's your lease? What's your lease? When are you out? Is it month by month? I think it is. It's out in March and it's the most affordable lease that I've found. Of course, because it's full of flies. So listen, you can go like this.

You can go like this. I have this amazing house. And you go, no kidding. You go, it's so cheap. What's going on? Well, there's literally like a dead person. There's literally, it smells like manure and there's a hole for a bathroom that you just shit in. But I'm not paying anything. You pay for it.

Pay for what you get. You have a fly infested office and you're a therapist. This cannot. I'm telling you this as a friend. You're practicing flycology. Why not a title? Not. Wow, that hurts. Why not? Why not talk to the person you rented from and explain this problem and maybe get a couple other people who rent?

spaces from there too and ask if they have a fly problem and sort of strengthen numbers, kind of talk to the people who manage the building and say, look, you've got an issue. So the idea of where we're coming is Gareth is saying kind of unionize the office against the landlord and get something done. I still think you're in a world of trouble. I say leave. Where do you think you're at?

I might look for other places while I feel like a hybrid of while I talk to the owners, the owners just changed over. So maybe there will be a little bit more action with the new owners. Yes. So I'll be able to address it. And then maybe I'll keep my eyes open for a new place while I do that. But I like the idea of humanizing the flies too, because you know, they matter also.

Humanize and unionize. What I would do is talk to the new owners. Title possible. Maybe we might be better. Maybe maybe on the next might be. Talk to the talk to the new owners and say this has been an issue that you've been talking to the old owners about for about a year. Everyone in there is sick of it. People are going to start leave. Just do something like that. Really. But I will say if you do the humanizing of the flies, which I like, don't lean into that when you have a client.

Yes. And I'm going to tell you why I'm sitting there and I'm in a vulnerable spot. And then my therapist goes like, I'm so sorry, Freddie's on your nose. I go, say it again. And then she goes, Sarah's up in the corner. I'm going, what? This is Sarah. I'm going, this is another moment that old J.J. has made a bad decision. I'm sitting on the wrong fucking couch. I'm going to go whatever my copay was today.

Keep it. Can we prorate the hour? Yeah. I think we're about 33 minutes. I'm going to boogie woogie. You have fun with Sarah, Alvin, and Jason, and whatever you friends are doing, give them therapy. I'm going out and getting myself a big gulp. Andrew, thank you for the call. Yeah, good luck. Thank you so much. This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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Hey everyone, this is producer Kevin here. This is a follow-up from episode 30 called Not One Worlds Collide, and this is the second call from that episode. So if you want to have a quick refresher, check out Not One Worlds Collide. Enjoy the follow-up. Hello! We know that this is a follow-up, but we don't know with whom. Can we get your name, and can you remind us a little bit of who you are?

Okay, yeah. This is B. We had talked before about, oh my God, the issue with my fifth grader having worn nipple clamps to school as earrings. Wow. So to recap, B. I feel like I'm seeing an old friend. Me too. So B, your daughter was going through some old boxes of yours, found some nipple clamps, wore them to school. If I remember the principal...

was you were going to talk to the principal about this. Is this correct? Yeah, that is correct. And I talked to her after my daughter walked in because I know that we had talked before. I showed you a picture. They don't look like earrings. They probably look like nipple clamps. And your daughter came home and then you sort of realized, oh my God. And then just refresh our memory. Did anyone from the school reach out to you or did you reach out

So this I reached out to the school. Another crazy move. But OK, I agree. Daughter wearing no vocal clamps. You have to get in front of it. It's it's it's anyway, you did it. OK.

Yeah. So I, yeah, I reached out to the school because I kind of know the principal and we had like had some recent conversations about appropriateness. We're very much like active in the LGBT community here. And the school tends to lean quite a lot more conservative. And I didn't know if they would even say anything. The principal was like, boy, I think we had two separate conversations to be quite honest with you. B thought we were in agreement. Yeah.

Yeah. We're all allies, but what's going on? You let me down, honey. Okay. She didn't know. Right. She hadn't noticed. Nobody had noticed because obviously I'm insane. Of course, no one would assume that. Sure. And so what, what's, has there been anything new that has happened since? Yep. What happened? And I don't know what to do now. Floor is yours. Your son wore a penis pump as a hat. So,

call the principal honey we're here again all right so what happened so my kiddo is in like gifted program stuff and I'm not going to get too far into details of that because if anybody hears this they'll know exactly who I'm talking about so we had to have a meeting with the school with just her about what the protocol was going to be for her going forward with some of her advanced stuff so we're

We're talking about that. It went really well. Meeting is great. We're heading out of the office. My kiddo walks out ahead of me. And then I said to the principal, like, hey, thank you for being so great about this and being so understanding. I thought about bringing you a bottle of wine or something, but I don't know if it's appropriate bringing alcohol into an elementary school. And she goes, well, I mean, I was hoping for something else. And I was like, what do you mean? And she said, think really hard about our last conversation, what you think I could be talking about. Oh, my God. What?

I panicked a little and kind of like laughed and was like, well, that's that's super funny. Maybe I should do that. And she was like, no, like you should do that. What? Stop it. I can't tell if she was joking. She's not joking. B, are you? Let's just bottom line it. Just if there's some people like me listening. Are you saying that there was a vibe?

That she was kind of being like, clamp my nipples, B. Holy fuck. Treat my titties like your daughter's lobes. Let's play mousetrap on my chest. I've watched this video before. And like so many times. This is one of my go to videos. I'm going to pull a Jake line. This is real. This really happened.

This really happened. It really happened. And you know, there's like the whole, like the stereotype of like lesbian and bisexual women can't tell when other women are hitting on them. And that's like the truest thing in the entire world. I genuinely can't tell if she was joking or serious because this is like, as far as I knew, a conservative woman was like a whole mess. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. They don't have freak sides.

Oh, my God. A conservative principal. This is wild. The fact that it's a conservative. Well, OK, be very quickly. Very quickly. We need a water break. Yeah, very, very quickly. Put his head in a barrel of water real quick. Very quickly. Is the teacher conservative, married, straight, all that by appearance? Yeah.

Are you single? Do I remember? Do we have this? No. You're not? Nope. Married. Okay. Married together for 10 years. No interest in this situation? Of course interest. Listen to this woman. You know. Yes. Okay. I don't know. Hold on. We're not going down the road. I would love to go down this road. I know. Don't dead end a good road. Fine. You're right. It's a great road. I agree. I'm on ways. I want to go down the road. All right. Thank you. Is any part of you curious about...

exploring this? I think anyone who says that they're not is a liar. Right. Okay. So now the new predicament, maybe not even the reason why you called, but just sort of the energy we're picking up on is that potentially now you don't know if this principal is putting out a vibe, a nipple clamp vibe, and you also aren't sure if you would be upset if she were.

Yeah, no, I for sure wouldn't be upset if she was. In your relationship right now, would you have the option to pursue this in any capacity? Yeah. Okay, now this is very interesting. Now, do you think you want to try to do that? Do you want to push a little bit more to see if there's... If she didn't, she wouldn't have told us. A little something around there? I, you know, I think...

Oh my God, this is going to sound terrible. I don't want to do any work. Nobody does. It's fine. I have a pitch. I have a pitch too. But Beak, the floor is yours. I want you to talk a little bit. I think that the, I mean, the reason that I called really is, is I can't tell if she was joking and then,

And then if she's not joking and like, actually that will be like well received if I, and then is that a joke or is she like serious? Yeah. Even in the context of actually that being a real life thing to do. Do you know what I mean? Should I, should I bring her like a weird, uh,

a kinky gift. And then if I did, is that a joke or is that like a, here's the, no, hold on B hold on. Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. You bring the kinky gift with a letter that says per your request. Then with a thanks for being so cool about everything B and their nipple clamps. Then the ball's out of your court. However, I will, let me add a little something. Yeah.

Two words in the English language that help everything. Fuck you. Ha ha. Oh, ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Yeah. Hey, here are those nipple clamps you requested. Ha ha. B. Agreed. LOL. Ha. Yeah, I don't disagree. So B, what do you think of that? Because we could pitch around in circles on this, but it's going to end with us saying,

Give the principal some nipple clamps and let's see what happens. I can't believe we're going to be requesting a third call. A 50th call. I think it's a spinoff. I think the new show is called We're Here to Talk to Be. We're Here to Clamp. I think we've already established that I've been sane enough that I'm obviously going to do that. Okay, so when you've finished with that and there's something that happens, will you please call again?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, please. And I don't, by the way, B, if I may, don't, yeah, sure us. Come on. We're all in the same group. And by the way, we need this. So with so much enthusiasm. Yeah. Yes. Definitely. A hundred percent. All right. So B, we'll talk to you soon. Yeah. B, I mean, yeah. What are you going to put in the letter? What are you going to say to her really fast?

Probably two things. I'm probably going to do like a wine and alcohol gift certificate and also those. And then a note that says, per your request, and then some kind of emoji. How about this? Per your request, LOL. Per your request, haha, and then sign your name and say, P.S., they ain't earrings.

That's fun. B, listen. Please follow up. Listen, we don't say this to all of our callers. You legally have to follow up. Okay? We will take you to court if you don't follow up. I'll stop doing the podcast. The show's over if you don't follow up, B. So, you know what I mean? Yeah, B, this is big. Can you do this as soon as possible? If she...

Yes, I will do my best. No matter what happens, you follow up. Hold on, let's let the woman talk. If she issues a restraining order against me, I'm blaming both of you. It's entirely your fault. I'm naming you in the court document. I agree. That's happening. If it goes sideways...

we will reach out to her with an apology and say it was all for a show. Oh yeah, that'll help. I think you're in a good spot. We're definitely putting you in a spot where you can walk away from this going, I was kidding. LOL. If it goes really badly as an apology, you guys can just

do like a cameo for my daughter who's so obsessed with New Girl that this the fact that this podcast exists is going to be her like 25th birthday present we'll make one right now we'll send it to you and then we can't wait for the follow up okay thank you so much that's so nice bye B bye B okay bye and thanks

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.