57: The Best 60 Seconds of Her Life
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And we are back. Jake, here we go. You know what I want to say, Garf? Go ahead, buddy. So I view this show, and you know this via the amount of texts I send, but we're experimenting. Yes. We are still new to this thing. Yes. We've made...

We've released a little over 50, which is shocking. But we experiment with doing more guests, experiment with doing less guests, doing two callers for our guests, doing one, just mixing it around. And I think we're experimenting now going one guest on a Monday and then just us on a Thursday. And so if any of you guys have any thoughts on that,

Fucking write in and let us know. Let us know. Yeah. I mean, this is a choose your own adventure show. That's how we started. I mean, we started just doing it. You and I. Yes. And we do enjoy doing those. Agreed. So we want to make sure we get a good mix of that. I also think there's a reality. We're going to do some zooms for a little bit.

Yep, that is a reality too. Because guess what? The Zooms are fun too. Zooms are also fun. No, we love being in the studio, but I think, yeah, schedule-wise, we're going to bank some of those. But to those who write into our show, for those who give us their opinion, the truth of this, there is no big Hollywood studio behind us. We did not take a min guarantee, so we're not working for some big company. No. We're just making this show. It is very Wayne's World. Very Wayne's World.

Very much so. More than people would probably understand. And that is the fun of it.

of it yes so we are and we're figuring it out i mean we're enjoying like tinkering and and seeing what works but but i also will say i when i'll do shows people be like my problem is like the show is separate from my life and so people will dm me and be like how do i get on the show just if you want to get on the show just write to the email let me say this to camera if you want to get on the show go to gareth reynolds.com go to a stand-up thing and after the show talk

to him directly about how to get on the show. Very incongruent with the advice that I'm asking to be given. Oh, I'm so sorry about that. But either way, what matters is you're coming to my stand-up. But honestly, we really do appreciate everyone listening and enjoy a solo episode where it's just Jake and Jay. I'm excited about some solos. I am too. We have a lot of fun. Yes. I think it feels, you know, when you have

company you want to you want to be nice to the company so but i think when we're when we don't have company we're nice to the guests and mean to each other elbows on the table that's exactly right we're just using paper towel not serviettes you ever do that where like the second that people leave your house you just take i mean do you do this i take my pants off as someone who lives alone a lot my pants come off immediately one of my daughters said that uh

She said, she called me out on it. She said, the first thing you do when you get home is take your pants off. And I said, like, that's 100% not true. And then we got home and it wasn't even a bit. Pants off immediately. Agreed. I think that is, I also do throw shorts on though sometimes. I'll do that. But I also, I will walk around like,

you know, Daffy Duck if I have to. But underpants and a t-shirt. I don't want to talk about it. I mean it seriously. Do you walk around your house with no underpants? Sometimes. I know you have a roommate, Luke. Well, when he's not there, well, listen, I'm not walking around bottomless when there's someone there. What? No. No. But hotel life? Hotel life.

Hotel life is different. Yes. So you'll just go naked and sit on top of a comforter. Cause I will say what's disgusting about hotels. I know they don't clean those comforts. Comforter goes off and I'll never sit in that chair. Bottomless. I think that's fair. Yeah. I'll even put a towel over the toilet seat when I use it. All right, everybody, we appreciate y'all listening. We appreciate y'all hanging out. Uh,

Without further ado. I need to know this. You said you'll put a towel over this. I did the ado. I don't think you're allowed to follow up after that. But you put it on top of what? Okay. Because you also have said on this pod, you eat food on the toilet bowl. No, not true that I leave the bathroom door open if I go to the bathroom. I didn't say I eat on the toilet. Didn't he say he eats on the toilet, Kevin? No. You said you don't chew.

No, no, no, no. You said sometimes you'll eat on the toilet. No, I didn't. You didn't? No, I didn't. I said, I won't. You said, don't shit where you eat. And I said, I'll leave the door open so it's kind of one environment. Like, I don't shut the door when I go to the bathroom in the hotel. Yeah, that's what grossed you out. Yeah, that still grosses me out. By the way, that's what a lot of people reach out to me about that and say that I'm right. Oh, really? No. Anyway, without further ado...

Hi. Hey, how are you? Hi. Hi, I'm doing great. How are y'all? We're doing excellent. Can we get your name, please? Oh, yeah. It's Annabelle. Annabelle. And Annabelle, where are you calling from? I am calling from Phoenix right now. Phoenix. Where are you from originally? Nashville. Yeah, there it is. And Annabelle, what's your sign?

Oh, my God. I'm a Gemini. Ah, Twinser. My favorite gladiator. Mine, too. Yeah, he was great. And Turbo. I like Turbo. Laser, come on. Laser was cool. Nitro. So...

Did you see the documentary? There's two and I saw both. Same. So Annabelle from Phoenix, originally from Nashville, who's a Gemini. Gareth and I both watched the American Gladiators documentaries and I got a little emotional at times. Oh, yeah. And I've always wanted to play that game where you're shooting the tennis ball. Oh, assault. Yes. Give me. But I've also been afraid of doing the joust. Yeah. Or the eliminator. Not doing the eliminator.

Couldn't make it up that escalator going the wrong way. That'd be sad. Old fat boy not making it up. And Jake is still, 22 minutes, Jake's still trying to make it up there and he says his arm is stinging. You know what it would be? It would be the scene from Tenenbaums with Luke Wilson. Jake has thrown his helmet in the crowd and saying, this thing's effing impossible. Jake is begging a fan to try for him, but we're letting him know that is not okay. They are not medically cleared to try this on his behalf. He just paid a grip to unplug the machine.

Jake peeing in the mechanics underneath it to try to get it to malfunction. Uh-oh, folks, we're going to have to cut away. This is an absolute nightmare. He's trying to fight the other contestant, but he's still got enough gas in the tank to get away from Jake. Annabelle, where are we at here? What's the problem? Chest is bleeding. That's strange. All right, all right, let's get to it. Let's get to it. Okay, so I have a neighbor who...

really big, loves holidays. I've been to their apartment before. They live below me. They have these wallflowers, like the ones you get from Bath & Body that are really strong. I was in their apartment for like 10 minutes and I was like, oh my god, this is a lot of smoke. Here's the issue. From my balcony, when I go outside to drink my coffee in the morning, I'm bombarded by the smell. It is so fucking strong. Wait, you're talking... I'm sorry, only because I don't know.

What is, so it's a Bed Bath & Beyond wallflower that has like a chemical kind of vanilla smell to it? This one isn't vanilla. So wallflowers, it's just a goofy word for, it's a wall plug-in and it's. Okay. Thank you. Now I get it. I get you. So it's not just a candle. It is strong as hell. I understand. You're smelling chemicals.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a candy apple smell. Disgusting, yes. And it's pretty strong. And I can smell it outside of our apartment. I can smell it on my balcony. And I mean, I don't know how you really approach that kind of thing to be like, hey, this smells so awful to me. Can you stop it? Well, I think you might be afraid of the alternative. A lot of people put a lot of smell stuff in there because there's not a great smell coming out of that family. They're not doing it because things smell neutral. I'll say that, Annabelle. To have that be your immediate...

To have that knowledge accessible so quickly, it is true. If you've ever gone to a woman's house or a friend's house and you're like, there are so many goddamn candles and incense. Then you get close to the person and you go, there's some poison coming out of you, kid. And that poison follows you when you leave the room. That poison's still there. It's not a bad point that this might be your best case scenario. But...

But wait, okay, so wait, you go out and you drink your coffee and you are unable to enjoy it because it's that potent of a smell? It's so strong and also to the point that, like, I have an air purifier in my apartment. This is tough. And when I open that door, like, the numbers skyrocket because those, like, chemical smells are so strong. So, Annabelle, are you close with them at all? Are you social with them at all? I'm trying to figure out, have you been inside their apartment?

Yes. No, that's the kicker. I have been, I went down, they're really big on their like holiday decor. So I was like, Oh cool. Like show me what's up. I'll come down. We'll say, Hey, I was there for maybe 10 minutes and had a gnarly headache just from smelling all of it. Totally normal apartment. Just wallflowers everywhere. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe it does smell like shit underneath all that. I don't know. Maybe, maybe it isn't normal. Like, is there any, what I'm trying to find is,

What's the hook? Yeah. So there- How do you bridge it? How do we bridge it and why do they do this? I thought it was just that they really love like the festive stuff because it was like October, November, December. And the thing is, to your point, I am friendly with this person. I have their number. I could text them. But how do you text them and say, your air freshener is too strong. Can you unplug them? Like that feels weird. I mean, I got way. I got way. What's up? Yeah. Yeah.

You text and you say, let's give this person a fake name. Okay, Stacy. Stacy, you go like this. Hey, Stacy, really embarrassing and weird email. I hope it doesn't offend you. But I just had an allergic reaction, went to an allergist.

And they said, because I've been getting hives, I've been having a hard time breathing. And they asked if I have any of these wallflower things, because they can trigger people's histamine release, blah, blah, blah. And then go, I told him I didn't, but then I remembered that you guys do. So just asking, I can't remember if you do, and I surely can't smell anything, but yeah,

If possible, if you do, could you please put them less? I'm asking everybody in the building. That's not bad, Garf. I like it. I'm going to pinch some of it for mine. Okay. Okay. You're in an advantageous position being above and having it be a smell that gets you outside. Because if you were to do an anonymous note, they're not going to think it's you.

So if today, like across because it's it's more of an across the hall problem. I want to say absolutely. Yes. But the thing is, like, it's not a huge apartment complex. Like there is only one neighbor adjacent to her and one across the street. So like there are five options and I'd be 20 percent of that equation, you know.

And anonymous is problematic because you're going to then create a whodunit. It's fine. As long as it ain't you. Well, if it's one out of four, when the other three go, it wasn't me. Then you all, all right, I'll be that. Me either. Well, one of us is lying. That's what you do. Yeah. But you don't want to create a murder on the order. Yeah. I don't mind being that character. I've got a question. Do you have a connection to the landlord?

Yes. And you know what? What? We have bonded with this neighbor from time to time over. Oh, my God. Did you have a package delivered? Mine disappeared, too. Or like, they won't fix the gate at our complex. We should say something to the boss. Really quick, Annabelle. You know what I think would be really fun to do with you? Lay on our stomachs with our feet in the air and just gab. Yeah, you got a good gab vibe. You got a great...

Girl talk talking about the girl talk connection. Let's just fucking gab a little bit about what is going on in this building. Cause here's how I, you respond to each pitch. Even the bad ones with, yeah, I know. And it feels like we're onto something. Cause if I said like, I don't know, Jeremy's cool, but he's also like a little weird. I know. Yeah, he is like, I like him at times, but then a lot of times he's a little weird. What's going on with you? Right. So keep going. So the landlord, you have a link with the landlord.

Yes. Don't change your vibe. This is what she does. She shits. We do have a link with them. Yes. I'll stick with that. However, the landlord does dumb shit all the time, and we agree with our neighbor. That's some dumb shit they just did. Yeah, so it needs to come from you is kind of what you're saying, if it's going to come from anyone. Yes, I guess so. But the thing is, like sending a text to me like,

I don't know. I like the allergy pitch. I literally did have allergy panels on this year and I'm just allergic to dust, which is just so annoying. But you, but you have gone down the road. So you have a doctor's name. You could be specific and you could send the email to everybody in the building and you could say like, Hey y'all, it's Annabelle, uh, crazy news and annoying news, but I'm allergic to these wallflowers. Uh,

Again, you guys are all more than welcome to say like screw off, girl. But if you're willing to help, if any of you guys could reduce or take them off, it would mean a lot to me because they are kicking my butt.

I like that. It's honest. Go, go. I've been yes-anding everything. I've been with all of it to this point. But my thing is, I don't have everyone's email. I don't have a phone book. It's not the 90s anymore, Jake. You're not wrong, Annabelle. I wish it was. By the way, phone books didn't have emails, just to be clear. Yeah, I'm with you. You want the psycho pitch, Annabelle? Please, do it. Let's party. Okay, how often have you gone into this person's place?

Once. Once that I like walked around and like chatted for maybe 10 minutes or so. And then like one other time, like borrow a cup of sugar. OK, wow. That is very, very Southern. And when they give you a cup of sugar, if someone showed up to my house for a cup of sugar, I'd be like, what are you out of your mind? This is crazy. You'd be like, let me go to my shed. Yeah. Let me move the guns and get my sugar back. You know, the wallflower they have.

I don't know what it is, but I know for certain that's what the sense like it's coming from there. OK, so then we're talking is a two tripper. It's a two tripper. You got to get down there twice.

You got to get down there once for some sugar. But while you're down there, you're going to have to get into the place or you're going to have to get an idea of what this wallflower looks like. Then you're going to have to order a wallflower. You're going to have to get it. Jake's face is already. I honestly don't know where you're going. Get the get the scent out of the wallflower that you get and go in there and replace the one closest to the door that you think is giving you the funk. It's a lot.

It's insane. It's a lot. It's very, it's really. It's talented Mr. Ripley stuff. Annabelle, what did you think of that? Is that something you might do? Because if so, we can pitch on that. But you're talking about essentially about breaking and entering and doing a switch. No, no, no, no. We're talking about a sitcom. I mean, it's not outlandish. That's not the hardest thing ever. We're lacking holidays now, though, because holidays were the last reason I actually walked in and was like, wow, give me a tour, you know? Right.

Right. So why don't we take Jake's pitch and let's just what if we just I mean, this is the straightforward route. It's the hardest route because it's the most honest. But is Annabelle, is that something you would want to do is straightforward? Where are you at? Go to them and be like, look.

here's the deal. I kind of don't want to be straightforward. That's why I came to y'all because I'm like, I have their number. I could text them and say, Hey, that's really strong, but that's just, I don't know. It feels nitpicky. Okay. Here's what you do. I got one. Okay. All right. You go over with a cup of coffee and a little bit frantic and you're in like a sweat outfit and you go like, Stacy girl, we need to talk and goes, what? And you go,

I just heard this. I just saw the news and these things are cancerous. But then she looks it up.

You know what I love about where we're at? This is what I love about this. I know these are kind of my favorite calls. The ones where you and I are like, it's like deadline time. We're smoking cigarettes. We got stubble over. Just try to close the deal. Yeah. Well, we got the newspaper goes out at five. Yeah. We don't have a story. So here's what I'm thinking. Annabelle, you say this and you say this, one of your best friends from college.

works for uh the government okay uh we got deadlines we're going conspiracy no you she knows you you're not a wacko steve berg can fill this role yeah um so basically so she knows you right apple cinnamon so you just say listen i don't want to go deep on this because i know how it looks and i know how you're gonna judge me um

I'm just telling you. And you go, again, I don't have a dog in this race, but my best friend from college does work part with this CIA and blah, blah, blah. And he goes, there are products that the government knows are cancerous, such as diet Coke, such as doctors used to recommend cigarettes, uh,

And these big companies have their hands in the government and the lobbyists, and the real message isn't going to get out. And we were having a talk. I do not talk about this with people because everybody's so triggered. But one of the things that they mentioned was that these things are putting the chemicals in the air that are...

Quite literally giving you chemicals and filling your lungs. And like certain caffeines in Starbucks, you're getting addicted to it. So you're now addicted to the thing that's killing you. Again, it's not going to... Jake. I'm just what? I want to walk out with a sale as much as you do. I'm going to be the neighbor. Okay. Okay. All right. Door shut. Holy shit. We got to relax. Our upstairs neighbor is out of her mind. Maybe they'll move. Annabelle.

Is there anything in this zone you like? I kind of do. I like this a little bit better because I didn't want to go with just the normal text approach. I think it's a little bit more fun in this scenario for me to kind of like blame it on something else. Like, oh my God, isn't this crazy that this could be giving us cancer? I just stopped using mine too. And you go in there and you go like this. I had to throw them out because I love them. Here's another pitch.

Okay. And this one. Knuckleball time. Yeah, knuckleball. But I think I could throw a strike here. All right. This is an old classic called Make a Move. Smoke them out? Smoke them out. And what you do, they live beneath you. You ever heard of an elephant walk? Boom, boom, boom. Music. Smells going down. All right.

All of a sudden, you start barbecuing and there's a fan that pushes the smoke down. You start playing music at weird times and they say like, hey, could you be a little bit quieter? And you go, no gracias. Or while we're at the negotiating table, I have a complaint too. I'll stop the rage against the machine after 11 p.m. But I don't want it to smell like apples in February. So that is the make a move, a.k.a. smoke them out, a.k.a. fire with fire, a.k.a. 70s Bush.

I wanted fire with fire. This is good. This is good. Trying to get the paper out by fire. It's a great callback for those who remember. For those who don't, they're like, is Jake okay? No, he's not. So, Annabelle, keep going because you seem to be liking this. Is this the zone my Gemini twin likes? Yeah. I wanted to have some fun with this. Okay. I definitely do that. I have two dogs. Okay.

Okay. So like we're already trying to keep them for being too noisy half the time anyway. Oh, here's another thing you do with the dogs. Every shit you keep in an open bag on your porch. Oh God. So that they finally say the smell of dog shit is coming into our apartment and you go like this. Well, I had to do it because the smell of your fucking chemicals is worse than dog shit in the mind. I would rather smell animal dump than those chemicals. And they go, you're out of your mind. And you go, I am.

And you think this is bad? Wait until January unless you get those fucking wallflowers off your wall. I, I think it's good. I think it's good. I like let the, let the dogs go. Right. I mean, I think music loud, uh, you're going to become a worse neighbor so that when the person comes to negotiate with you, you have a little bit of leverage. You know, they call it, there's a trick they call in editing. Uh, they, it's called the hairy armpit. And that is when

when you're about to show your thing to your bosses, you leave in a shot of a hairy armpit so that their notes are, this thing is good. Get rid of the hairy armpit. And you go, I love the hairy armpit. And they go, it's got to go. And you're going, okay, the hairy armpit goes. Working with you guys is brutal. So you could do the old hairy armpit, and that is make so much that you do bad so that they come to you and say,

Can we have a conversation? Because we don't want to move. We just feel like the smells, the sounds, and the noise coming from a bell are a lot. And you go, first of all, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I was doing that. And they go, is there any way we can get it to be quiet? And then you go, well, here's something crazy. Can I have a request too? And they'll go anything. And you go,

Do you know those wallflowers? They're a bit much and they go, you're willing to quiet down, stop with your music, control your dog, take the dog shit off the porch. And all we have to do is take our wallflowers out and let our natural disgusting bodies fill our apartment. And you go, or candles. I'm okay with candles. Yeah. Or one wallflower, not six. Do we have a deal? If they say yes, then they've won the negotiation. Yeah.

I think he's right. Another thing you can add into the mix is working out at home, even if you're faking it. That sort of jumping above. I don't want to do that. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't want to work out. Fake workouts. Fake workouts. All you got to do is stomp the ground and go, ha! Yeah, you can be eating those chocates, just sitting. Yes. Ketos, what are they called? I don't know. Drink some beer and just pound your floor. Where are you at with this, Annabelle? Because, look, we don't like to pitch unless it's real life.

So is this, is this really what you're going to do? I'm leaning more towards dog shit on the porch. Okay. I, I, that's very easy to do. Okay. Cause here's what we're going to say, Annabelle really fast, just so you know where we're at. This episode's not going to air unless we get proof that it's happening. Yeah. Cause we record a lot of these, but we don't air if they just turn into jokes. It's not kind of worth it, but if you're really doing this, we are on your team and we're going to try to help you. So where,

Where are you at? Easy. Done and done. Okay. And then what else are you going to do? You're going to do the dog shit technique. Yeah. I think I got to clear it with my partner first to be like, Hey, do we want to smell shit during morning coffee or not? Um, is it worth it?

If it's not worth it, then I think the like conspiracy, I'm now the crazy neighbor. Like we've got to get rid of these chemical smells. I think that one is more fun than texting the person to agree. So Annabelle, let's do something with you for a second. Will you practice and say to us, be that conspiracy person and let's hear your pitch.

Okay. Oh my God. Too much pressure. But not pressure at all. You're allowed to be medium here. This is the rough draft. Okay. And Jake, I'll be the neighbor. Okay. All right.

And I'll be the radio playing in the neighbor's place that you'll turn off once she comes out. Unplugged. Hold on. Let's start the scene when you're ready. And it's looking like it's going to be like that for the next six to seven months. Oh, my God. The radio won't turn off. Some people are worried about some of these things coming back. Hey, Stacy. Hey. Hey, girl. What's up, girl? Talking about the girl talking. Hey. What's up? What's up, girl? What's happening? Hey, I'm Kathy. I'm staying with her for a little while. Get the fuck out of here. All right. I just want to get involved. Okay.

Okay, listen, I heard this and I know I'm going to sound crazy, but I just saw this article and I'm already blanking. Okay, I'll forward you the article and tell me your thoughts. You made a mistake. There's no article. You can never lie and say I have proof.

It's the con man's game. You can never go, I have hard evidence of what I'm saying, but I'm telling you this is great. And they go, where is it? And you go, up my butt and around the corner. This is bullshit. Let's go from the top. From the top. But guess what? We're in a rough draft. So start with the radio. People are always wondering, how do you dance that well? Well, it's a two-part system where you just order it. 1-888-612-4211. How to dance at home on TV. That's right. Gil Buchanan. Gil Buchanan.

Hey, girl, what's up? Do you need sugar? We have a bunch of it. I'm Kathy. I'm staying with her. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. Okay. Hey, this is the craziest thing. I'm feeling paranoid, but I was just watching the news this week and I was hearing about these like recalls and it's like cancerous chemicals that can come from these like air fresheners. I used to use these like wallflowers and I stopped using them. Do you ever use those?

Obviously, they're in every room of this house. You're talking about these?

Oh my God. I literally just got rid of those. They're even in the guest room, girl. I just wanted to say what's up again. I'm going to go back to the guest room. Sorry. That's my Kathy. That's that's Kathy. She's not right. I'm pretty paranoid that these are, I'm sorry, honey, what are you saying that these are bad? I, I've heard they have the potential to cause cancer, but at the very least right now I'm getting like super sick. I feel awful. So I like stopped using them so I could feel better because it just smells is

It's just killing me. Girl, you should. All right. Great to see you. Any of you want a lemonade? So here, here's what I got out of that. Annabelle, you're wacky.

Yeah, and you don't want to use wallflowers in your apartment. All right, well, you know what you're doing. Listen, you be her. Okay, I'm Annabelle, and are you? Yes. Okay. Yes, I'll be Stacey. Annabelle, let us show you how real psychopaths do stuff. You might have been a little bit too normal. Red leather. Okay, and then can we start? Annabelle, will you be the radio? Interesting twist. Yeah. Okay, and action.

Gil Buchanan here, letting you know about the latest technology in air fresheners. On the radio? That's crazy. I love air fresheners. Keep going, radio.

Call on. Radio stories. Interesting. Call in today and get your rebate on these. Let's go from the top radio. I would maybe make the radio not the air freshener. Whenever you're ready, Annabelle, radio on. Go, Annabelle. Hey, Gil Buchanan here. Calling to tell you about the latest Chicago-style popcorn promoted by We're Here to Help. What?

It's a crazy story to have. Oh, hey, let me turn this on. Hey. Hey, we're in my house. Right. I'll turn it down. Can we start over? All right, from the top. Here we go. And radio. I think the radio's shorted. I think the signal isn't working. I think it just turned off. Hey, Stace. This is like War of the Worlds. Stace. Let me turn that off. That was very meta. Yeah. Hello. What's happening? Hey, what's going on? Annabelle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. From above. We know each other. I know. I know.

How are you? Thank you so much for the sugar. Oh, no problem. I had a ton of it. Yeah, and I had a great time last holiday party. Oh, yeah, that was great. Thanks for swinging by and liking the decorations. Yeah, so I'm kind of doing this. Now I'm kind of going with a New Year theme here a little bit. It's really cool. It's past New Year. Yeah, but still, I'm celebrating. Yeah. That's weird. Don't judge. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Go ahead. What's up?

So I've been going to everybody in the building and saying this. There's four of us. What are you, the police? No. Chill out, bitch. It's everything I'm going to say. I'd be a mathematician. Are you going to crawl in my butt? You don't need to throw the B word around, and I don't want to be in your butt. Keep going. What's going on? I can say that because I'm a female to a female. You're my bitch. I don't think you're allowed to say that. Go ahead. What did you come over here for? To fuck you up. What's going on? Cut. From the top. Jake.

I gotta say, Stacey was pissing me off. I would fight fire with fire there. She's, don't say this, don't say this. You're in her house. Annabelle, say what the fuck you want. Fuck off, Stacey. All right, here we go. Ready? Yes. Hi. Hey, what's going on? My radio broke. What's going on? So I'm kind of doing this and it's a little bit weird, but I'm going to everybody in the building and saying this. So I just need to get it off my chest because I care about you guys and I'm telling all my friends. Okay. One of my dearest friends from college has a job in the- Where'd you go to college? Annabelle, where'd you go to college?

I went to two of them. I went to one in Chicago, though. Which one? Moody. So I went to Moody. What a crazy name for a place. Go ahead. So anyway, one of my friends from college ended up working in the CIA. And they're the best. They're the total best. But we have these great big talks where we all get pissed at the government. So do they. Okay.

But they just told me about this new thing that's going on as like a heads up. Okay. And that was, there's going to be a thing in like 18 months or less where these things start getting banned. What does? Those things on your wall.

The wallflowers from BBB? I've got like three in mind. I love them. I love them. Those, a certain type of candle is going to go from BBB because it's releasing a chemical into the air that takes away all the smell. But that chemical, they're proven to be cancerous. And right now their lobbyists are really fighting it. But the smells that are going in are like really bad. So I'm just saying as a heads up,

I would find an all natural one. And I know I sound like a fucking hippie weirdo, but those are going to be banned soon. And there's going to be big lawsuits and it's going to get really ugly. This is your friend from Moody. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Really? You would say that? Or you would go, I'll throw these out. Here's what I thought. Yeah. Have an alternative. Okay. If you showed up with an alternative too, and you were like, I got you this because I think this is like safer. That would happen. That's interesting. So Annabelle, what would you say about buying a few like ones from Whole Foods? That you can tolerate. Oh, absolutely. And then saying the reason you're doing it is because of this, or the reason you're doing it is because of the allergies. One of the, yes. I like that.

I do too. Okay. And about what do you think about buying? Here's what they're going to cost you. 40 bucks tops. Yep. And you go over there and you go, Hey, my allergist, I did this thing. Yeah. I know that you like these. Yep. And so I'm just asking you to replace them with these. And then guess what? They will not buy the old ones again. Cause that's an asshole move. I like it. Ooh. Right. And then what do you think of that? What do you think?

Yeah. No, I like that. Kevin, print it. Print the paper. Jesus Christ, what a deadline. We hit it. It's $450,000.

Let's go to the bar. We got a story. Is it right? Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter. So what do you think? It's a front page. That's what matters, baby. What do you think about doing this as a real movie animal? And that is doing the work, finding the stuff, buying them, going there and saying the allergist and blah, blah, blah. But you didn't want to just say that. So would they mind switching and trying to get a similar scent? I'll help you. Yes. Yes.

Okay. I like it. And then if it goes south and I can still smell the gross stuff that's already in the air right now, then we go for fire. Then we go 70s bush. Yep. Yep. We would encourage everyone to listen to our back catalog. But do you think that makes sense? No, absolutely. Yeah. No, I mean, you already felt Southern hospitality kind of vibe going down to my neighborhood.

giving them a candle, that's like easy. I wouldn't just do a candle. I want a plug-in. I want a wall plug-in. Go find yourself an organic... I don't think there are any plug-ins that's going to be all natural. Well, maybe if it's not even all natural, just something that you can tolerate. We don't have to start looking. I got to take this. This is whole food. So...

Okay, no, I'll take my asshole food. Yeah, and also get on, you know. Look online. You look online. If you can't find it, then the candles are right. But you're leaning in with that. And then if they don't do it and the smells are intense, then fucking let's rock. Dog shit. Dog shit. Yeah.

Will you follow up with us after? You have to. Yeah. Any call over 25 minutes, you have to follow up with us. Yes. Absolutely. I will. Yeah. Annabelle, we appreciate it. Get yourself out of the mud here. You're going to win. Yep. All right. Amazing. Thank you all. Thank you, Annabelle. All right. Bye.

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Hi. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good. Can we get your name, please? Yes, this is Dana. Dana, and where are you calling from, Dana? Charleston, South Carolina. South Carolina, great. And can we get your sign, please, Dana? I'm an Aries. An Aries. And what does that mean to you?

It means I'm fiery, apparently. So I don't know if I agree with that, but sometimes I'm from Philly, too. We'll be the judge of that. So Dana from South Carolina, who's in Aries, who is not fiery. What can we help you with today?

Well, speaking of people that are fiery, so I live in an apartment complex and I've got two dogs, just me and the two dogs, but above me is either the most sexual couple of all time or a guy that's getting laid three times a day. And it is the loudest, most animalistic, loudest,

sex that you've ever heard in your life. Dana, without putting you in an uncomfortable spot, could you do an impression of the sound a little bit? This is the right question. Just so we know how egregious the sounds are. And if you're a little uncomfortable, it might make it better too. And if it's too uncomfortable, I can try. Let's not do that. Which will make it way worse for Jake. Let's live in the Dana zone. Okay. So will you walk us through a little bit of what you're hearing?

So I don't know if it's the, and they're going to hear me, but we'll see for their medicine, I guess. Fuck them for the man. It is like a gorilla. Like, and it's like four pumps of like, and it's like four of those. Great, great commitment, Dana. We appreciate you. Okay. And how about the lady? So you got a silverback on a, you got a silverback as one of them. And what is this woman?

I can tell she's faking it. So it probably sounds like, like 10 of those. You can tell she's faking it.

I'm a 32 year old woman. I know she's faking it. By the way, you're in Aries, honey. By the way, it's really nice for guys like Jake and I to hear that those sounds are not achievable. We thought it was on us. There's no way it's real every single time. But if it's that consistent, we're thinking this is probably a couple.

Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I've never like... I can't like shout them out. But we understand, but it's the same male voice and it's the same female voice. I hate when...

make those sounds. It's just to me, I'm like, you don't have to do that. Yeah. Or you don't have to do that. Well, you know what I mean? I'm just like... Hey, when this silverback's in the sack... Oh, Jesus Christ. Kevin, get a bucket. I'm gonna sick. I'm gonna sick. And Dana, I'll tell you the sounds of the lady and it ain't faking. Ha!

No, here's the sound of the lady. Hey, hey, keep it down. I'm trying to finish. Jake, stop. Jake, no. Jake, quiet. My ears. Not in my ears, Jake. So are you sure it's not video from up above and it's not some like 19-year-old geek?

Yeah, I can hear like the bed rattling or I don't know, some sexual apparatus swing something. I don't know. Okay. And swings. And have you ever seen that? I, I don't know. So obviously I live on the first floor there on the second floor. And every time I take the dog out for a walk, if I see someone coming down, I can't,

I can't tell which ones they are, but I always try and figure out like if I see a couple or something or I see a gorilla-like man. First thing that I would suggest, because I'll tell you what, it doesn't even have to look like a gorilla. It could be a little 85-pounder. It just sounds like it. That's right, yeah. So the first thing I would say is I think what we need you to do, Dana, is find a way to knock on the door. Well, is the problem here, Dana, just to be clear, the problem is how do you stop the noise? Oh, I thought it was a different one. How do I draw the noise?

I'm so sorry, dear. I'm all turned around. It was the silverback sounds that got me. I'm so sorry. What's the question? Jake, I think Jake had a call at his head just now. I'm really embarrassed. I'm really embarrassed. So what was the question? The advice you need is in the realm of trying to get it to stop, right? Not the Jake realm. So I wouldn't knock on the door. Don't slide the resume under there. That's what I'm saying. Is the question. What is the question, Dana?

Yeah, so it makes me uncomfortable. Like, I go to bed pretty early, so it's not like I've got the TV on and I can just, like, blast my volume until it stops. Like, I'm asleep. It's waking the dogs. They're getting up, running around. And there's children all over our apartment complex. Like, it makes me so uncomfortable knowing, like, my neighbors have these, like, five-year-old kids and that's going on above us. This is what's good. It's a big building. It's a big building?

About a 20 unit. It's not really. It's only two floors. Jake's the best. The fact that Jake answered how many units are in your building with such confidence. It's a 20 unit. Come on, Gareth. What are you stupid? We got two floors. We got about six units. He's not. Yeah, he's totally spot on. Well, he said 20 before, so he's spot on after three. I didn't know it was two floors. I thought we were four. OK, so about six units is what we're talking about.

Seven if you include the gun package and which one which are these apartments are these all two bedrooms are we talking about studios? Yeah

I'm in a one bedroom. I'm guessing above me is the same as them. Okay. So they're in a one bedroom above the bedroom area. They're probably built similarly. They're in the bed at night. You go to bed early. We're guessing about 915 to 10 and at about 10, 1030, the silverback jumps out of the tree and jumps on that poor woman who's faking it. Is this where we're at? Yeah.

It's not just at night, though. Like, Saturday morning, midday. I've had to mute work calls because I can hear it. Like, it's all the time. First of all, I'm so jealous of this guy. Yeah, can we just take a minute to just say how great it is? I mean, the idea that someone has to mute Zooms because of your fucking is really awesome. The idea that someone's calling a podcast advice show because your wife's sounds are so loud. I feel like you put the guy podcasting.

put you up to this just to brag about how good his bangs are. I feel like you're the woman. Yeah, okay, we get it. Okay, so how do you stop this couple from loud screwing?

And not kill their mojo. Like, no one's happier than me that they're getting some. But like, I just want to be a part of it. Agreed. I've been in this position on the road in hotels before where I've heard a man giving a woman the business on a level where I didn't know it was possible. And like the sounds where I'm like, and the length. Right. The amount of time where I'm going, come on. Come on. This is a real life. Stop it. Yeah. It's not real. He's got he's got an appendage attached or something.

That's when we did our first live show and I was there in a room right next to you, man. And I told him afterwards, Dana, I said, hey, that was just an appetizer. Yeah, and literally he was only having pizza. Okay, so...

These chicken wings are great! Jake, Jesus Christ. Dip them in the sauce! I go in there. He's like, sorry, I think you got a little nuts last night. I'm sorry. I used my bedspread as a napkin. Hey, I'm sorry, brother. I got a 30 piece. Oh, sorry about last night, man. I barely remember. I remember the first six wings, the last 24 aren't. I got to tell you, brother, shit got crazy, man. I had a bottle of Jack and like 60 chicken wings. You have a mozzarella stick on your lip. I know. I fucked the hell out of it. I know.

um okay so have you tried anything have you tried anything are there are there other people in the building who are sharing this issue what have we done to solve the problem called you guys smart smart that'll do it so we're gonna tell you this dana we know that you're smart we know you have good instincts you've you've showed us nothing but you're a 10 out of 10 and so now it's our job to help you out of this mess you got anything yeah what do you got

So here's your, you're in two, two roads. You can go down one. I agree with you. You don't want to kill their mojo and you don't want to shame them, but you do want it to stop. So one thing you could do is you could slip a note under their door that just says, FYI, thin walls. We all hear your fucking constantly. If this is a weird kink, God bless you. But it is a lot PS. I do believe she's faking it.

I mean, my pitch was right along those lines. There's an advantage to there being a lot of units there, right? I like Jake's wording a lot. I think I would say that she's faking for note two. Or, Gareth, what if the note just says, P.S., she's faking? I.

I don't hate it, but what we're trying to do right now is solve the... Because that'll slow him down. I don't know if it will. It might... Imagine it, Gareth. It might make him try hard. Yeah, he's proven you wrong. He's going to bang the shit out of her. Right, but then he's thinking while it's happening, everybody knows she... Because then when she's like...

he's going to go quiet down. It sounds fake. I, I, I would, I listen, I would imagine this. They know that they're loud fuckers. I mean, I would imagine they like it about themselves. Yes. I, I, in my apartment ones, I had someone who I was sure was faking. And to me, I was going like, Jesus Christ, come on. I have neighbor tone it down a little bit. Like, you know, and so I think,

I if I were you, I would go that route. I would do like the anonymous letter and just see if it stops. If it doesn't stop, we could start escalating. The other way, the other thing that you could do is when they start have music blasting up.

that is rhythmically really different to what they're doing. So whatever we could think of as the least sexy music, you know what you could do? You could do the, I heard this on a different podcast, Heavyweight, when they were talking about what song would you play at your funeral? But you could blast, and I have to give credit for,

but you could blast the six flag song oh wow i like that because if you're getting into it and you're doing you're the silverback and she's in and whatever weird game you're playing is happening and it's oh and he thinks he's in a fucking porno and she thinks she's in a porno and they think they're so hot and then they hear and they go what what about what about verner hozog uh narrating the end of grizzly man just on a loop just him talking when the man

And at this point, the bear is eating the man's brain. So the issue with that, even though I like it, is all they would hear is... Yeah. So we're trying to get them off their game. Oh, they're getting them off. Dana, what is the least sexy... If you were with a guy or a woman, whatever you're into, and you were about to hook up and they played music, is there a song or a type of music that you would say, I pass?

That's a really good question. I got a couple. Macarena, Mambo No. 5.

I mean, these are easy ones. No, I can get chumbawamba. I can get busy. You could. Really? I actually could, too. Especially chumbawamba. Yeah. Yeah. Chumbawamba. While I'm on top of a woman, all she's thinking is fucking chumbawamba is on top of me. Jake. When Jake begs, they call him chumbawamba. My body makes the sound of chumbawamba. Gross. No, it's called chub thumping. Yeah.

Okay. So Dana, is there a music that to you is just as unsexy as it gets?

Like, I hate Ohio State. Maybe their fight song. That's really all I can think of. That's interesting. That's great. I got to call. I think we start with the note. When we go to the note world, Dana, what's your first thought on that? I think I really like the music route, but they're going to know like which unit it is. But then again, like if they have no shame, why should I? I agree. I think that's OK, though. I think because of their they're invading your auditory space, you're allowed to do that to them.

Yeah. Circus music. What about if we right now send a message on this podcast that she can play to my life so that she's playing on loop? Yes. OK. You know what we could do? We could cheer them on sexually. Yeah. So that they're hearing people commentating on their sex. Yes. Would you play? We can do a play by play like we're sports commentators. Yeah. Trying to get it to wrap up.

What do you think? A hundred percent. Because if the walls are thin enough and you play it loud enough, they could hear. We can be very specific. Okay. We're going to give it a go. Let us know what you think. We're going to keep it relatively short. What do you say? Like a minute? Yeah, a minute. And you play it on a loop. Okay. Dana, does that sound right? Yes. If we nail it, are you going to do it and film the experience? Of course. So we're going to walk through the night scene.

before we kind of start. So you're in bed. You then start to hear the thumping of a silverback or the bed moving shaved gorilla and you go hounding a mattress and we go, here we go. And at that point, it's the beginning stages of the night. And you go over and you go, I'm doing it. And you plug in your phone. You got your Bluetooth to your speaker. It's all facing up. Is this correct?

Yep. And then the sex is starting to pick up speed, but they don't go zero to 100, do they? If they do, I'm so jealous of this fucking guy. I'm going to come in on the night. OK. She said yes. Yes. Sometimes at night. How?

I mean, he's, I don't know, maybe he's trying to be respectful. He's trying to finish it. This guy might, listen, we might be dealing with like a rare breed up there. But what we got to do is, I think we could start supportive. Right. Way to go. Awesome. Sounds like it's a lot of fun. Yeah. All right. Getting a little redundant now. You know, it's late at night. What if we did it as Jerry and Gil? Ah, you got it, buddy. Let's fucking roll. All right, here we go. Because both these guys used to announce games. Legally, it also takes us out. Never mind. Okay, here we go. Ready? Ready. Ready.

All right, Jerry. It sounds like they're getting at it again. Unbelievable. Well, I got to tell you, Gilly, this is a very exciting night for you and me because we get to witness greatness. And again, they are banging. What is this, the second or the third time today? Well, you know, I'm looking here at the numbers and we are averaging a three times...

a week experience. They lead the complex in screwing and you can hear right now the rhythm is picking up and so are the sounds. What are we dealing with up there, Jerry? You think it's a silverback gorilla? This guy's really moaning and groaning. Well, I'll tell you what I'm definitely hearing. I'm hearing a grown-ass man do what grown-ass men do and I'm also going to say for the ladies out there, she seems to be enjoying this sex. Am I right?

wrong, Dylan. You're not wrong, but I wonder how much of her, this is Meryl streeping it because she's really going for it. Now, listen to the sounds coming out of both of them. Isn't it a little much? I mean, good Lord. It's almost 10 p.m. I gotta say, it's a lot of fun and he's going a little bit faster and faster.

He's going a little bit faster. He's picking it up and listen to him go. Oh, watch out for her. She might finish. She might finish. He's going. He's going. Wait a second, Gilly. He's pushing. He's pushing. Oh, my God. Wow. I haven't seen screwing like this since the 77 Olympics. I got to say, Gilly, I just got to say I don't believe her. These aren't natural sounds. I've heard from a lot of women in their 30s, and this is not the sounds a woman makes when she's really enjoying it. Gilly, she is a.

I'm not an agreeable anymore, Jerry. I feel like she's putting on a performance. But either way, can we just say it's a little late? Maybe it's time they wrap it up. Wrap it up. Good Lord, this can't go on for 20 minutes. Guys, this is way, way, way into overtime, and we have got to end this night. I got to get home to my lovely girlfriend who just recently left her husband. Ladies and gentlemen, I got to get home to the love of my life, Miss A.

Alice Buchanan! You're making it very personal, and I don't think we need to take it there. What we need to do is we need to encourage, at this point, pillows over mouths. Put some pillows over mouths. These noises are unbearable.

And if you're going to continue to fuck this loud, you've got to have consideration for your neighbors. Hold on. I'm sensing them slowing down to listen. This finish is brought to you by Barbasol. Barbasol, the number one name in shaving cream. If you're going to have a quick shave, use Barbasol. And it's speeding back up. Jesus, Lord, what is happening up there? Oh, here we go, Gilly. We're getting towards the end. I think we're all going to finish. And we are getting towards the end.

end and she's definitely faking she's definitely making noise put in a hot pocket this goose is cooked what do you think that was gonna be the best 60 seconds of her life you know i gotta say i think if you play that loud enough and they hear that it's not murmurs but it's dialogue if i'm having sex takes you out of the zone a hundred percent and then you listen

And you go, what the fuck? Yes. Are those two old school radio guys commenting on our sex? And then he goes, are you faking?

And then they go, what is this? Must be like a YouTube video. It's brought to you by what? Barbasol. But I'll tell you what, all of that's doing is making them go, are we fucking too loud? I think that's the goal here. So the goal is that we're poking a little bit of fun. It doesn't sound like your voice, but if you're good with it,

The next time it starts, blast this and film yourself blasting it. And let's see if it changes anything going on. And if they confront you about it, you say, I'm so sorry. I listen to that while I masturbate, which will make them feel so uncomfortable because then they go, what? And you go, oh, I didn't mean to blast it for you.

I don't know if you guys fuck a lot. I don't know what you guys do upstairs, but in my apartment, I masturbate like an animal three times a week and I listen to these two old timers and it's what gets me off. Or what you say is you say, oh no, sorry about that. You guys are, it gets a little loud up there and when you're doing that, I just put my favorite podcast on a loop. I think that's right. Actually, I think you go the Garf way.

that you are then fighting fire with a passive aggressive fire and you're saying yeah uh you are right i'm playing it well it's because i i'm trying to sleep and i'm hearing you so i i can fall asleep to them but i can't fall asleep to two people fucking yeah and then they go well what was the thing about faking and you go i don't know what you're talking about oh i don't it's like a sports thing they do i think it's brought to you by barbacol what do you think of that dana are you gonna try

Yeah, fighting fire is a passive-aggressive fire. It sounds exactly like what Aries would do. I agree. I got to tell you, I have not wanted to see a follow-up this bad in a while. I'm excited. Please, please give us the follow-up. We deserve it. Yes. 100%. I got you guys. And Dana, thank you for the call. Thank you, Dana. Thank you both so much. Appreciate it.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This follow-up is from the first call of episode 22 titled Advantage Jackie with Bert Kreischer. It came out October 30th, 2023, so if you want to check that out as a quick refresher, you can do that now. Enjoy the follow-up. Hello? Hi there. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know this is a follow-up. We don't know what the hell it's about, so can you just tell us your name and then just give us a little refresher on what's going on?

My name is Jackie, and I am the pickleball lady. Oh, nice. Bert Kreischer. Yes. Nice. You had issues with people playing pickleball right next to your house, and we gave you a bunch of ways to sort of dissuade... Because they were playing at night. They were playing night pickleball. All right, Jackie. And it was loud. It's a loud game. What's up? I'm impressed that you remembered all that. Well, listen. All right, so...

I cannot definitively prove that someone at the church heard Jesus

the podcast but shortly afterward shortly afterward we received some communication from them and they were like suddenly they were very eager to help us i don't know keep going so they so they like they were like oh we're so sorry like they gave us a person we could call anytime and they were saying oh it's supposed to be turned off at like 10 um we're gonna secure the lights

Yeah, yeah, they, like, actually did the thing. But, I mean, it was eerily... They listened to the show, Jackie. That's reach. Jackie, we're doing big numbers. We're doing big numbers, kid. That's reach. We do dog shit on YouTube, but we do big numbers. Stop it, Jake. That's reach. We do big numbers on Spotify and Apple, baby. That's reach, babe. The fucking church is listening. I mean, well, they probably heard our recommendations that we were suggesting that someone shit on the court. Yes. But, so, Jackie, just to be clear, because this is...

This is big. This is big. Because the lights... It worked. Yes. Okay. And you didn't have to take a dump on the court. Nobody had to defecate on the pickleball court. That's really... I gotta say, the real point of our show... Is to threaten feces. Sometimes we pitch stuff that even when we hang up, we go like, that was some weird stuff. Yep. We don't want people taking dumps on pickleball courts. Nobody does. But we want...

the caller to get what they need and that's a little bit of peace yeah so the fact that the church reached out and said we heard the thing yeah we're embarrassed too let's work together what a win so jackie where are we at now how's the pickleball problem it's been very quiet it's also been winter here in houston don't say that but don't say it's been 80 degrees for the last two days and it's

been really quiet. That's great. No, the whole time since then, it's been, yeah, it's been fundamentally good. Honestly, just talking to you guys was great. Like, it made me feel better before anything happened. And either way, you have a better outreach if it becomes a problem again, correct? Yes.

Yes, absolutely. And I mean, the threat that, you know, you'll be back. Yeah, so I just need to say this, Jackie, one second. Garrett. Yeah. Great job. Jake, great work. Kevin. Great work. Great job. Hey, Jerry Kreischer, you're not here. We're here to help. But thank you. Great job. And Jackie, we are so happy. Yes. That we were able to do the premise of this fucking experiment. We're here to help. And we helped. Okay, here's what we're. We're like the Ghostbusters.

Okay. All we promise is we're going to get rid of the ghost. We might destroy the room. We might ruin the hotel, but there ain't going to be a ghost. Was that worth me talking? Probably not. It feels like everyone kind of looked at me like, what just happened? But we were all trying to figure out how to make you Ernie. Yeah. Well, even less. Hey, Jackie, we appreciate the call. And if you need anything, Jackie, we're always here for you. Yeah. I'm so grateful for it. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.