58: There’s Always an Alpha (And It’s Not Me) with Josh Peck
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Sign up today. Today is a fun one, a cross promotional one. Yeah, we're doing one of these. We're doing one with, uh,

The Good Guys podcast. Yeah, Josh Peck. So if you came from them, hello and welcome. Yes. If you're ours and going there, enjoy this and then go check out theirs. Yes, we're looking to... We're swapping. Yes, we are doing... We're doing a swap. Yeah. So yeah, so Josh is our guest today. Super funny guy. Hilarious. Yeah. I don't know if people...

I mean, I am fully aware of who Josh Peck is, but he was on Drake and Josh, and then he's just sort of translated himself and his career. To a massive. Massive. Yeah, yeah. And his social media is hilarious. But he's also, like, jumping around in Oppenheimer. Yes, he's in Oppenheimer. He's really a...

A killer. And great on the show. I've known him from around. He actually came to Hoops one day. Oh, right. He interviewed me for his podcast in my office. And that's when I realized, like, oh, this dude's a killer. He's a hustler and such a nice dude. And funny. And so we had a great time doing. So check out Good Guys. Yes. If you're coming from Good Guys, welcome, morons. Oh, yeah, welcome, morons. That's right. If you haven't watched them yet, you're over. What do our people call us? We're not starting that. Come on. You have enough catchphrases. Helpers.

Ones and twos. The helpers. America's number one podcast. Hello, America and the world. They need a name, but we'll get there. But either way, we're very excited for this episode. It's fun. It is as fun as always. We thank everybody for the support and sharing. Go to YouTube, all that bullshit. It helps us out. And watch Royal Crackers on Adult Swim. There you go.

And I think... Without further ado. Very throwaway, but well done. Well, Kevin walked out. I know, Kevin left. So the father has left the building. It's like a pilot when they go to the bathroom in the middle of a flight. That is such a ready-for-stage stand-up bit. When that pilot walks out to take a dump, I'm like... And by the way...

I love how, I'm not saying I ever have thoughts about doing it, but the way that one flight attendant's like, if you want to get to the cockpit, you're going to have to break through this drink cart and me. I feel the same. I'm like, just cool it. It's okay. And also, Matt, plan your body a little differently. They should have, I think they should have toilet seats up front. Kevin, you left, and the intro got insanely weird. Without further ado. Ha ha ha.

Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right. How are you guys? Great. What's your first name? So my first name is Matt. Matt, you are on with Jake and Gareth and then special guest from the Good Guys podcast.

And if you haven't started listening, then you're a moron. See what I did there? Not yet. Mr. Josh Peck, welcome to the show, Josh. Thanks for coming, buddy. Thanks for coming, Josh. I'm honored to be here. Matt, you probably only know me from Drake and Josh if you know me at all, but I appreciate it. I actually do, man. This is pretty cool. Matt, how old are you, buddy? I am 36. 36? And where are you calling from? I'm calling from Massachusetts. Oh, fun. You ever call it Matt-sachusetts?

- Please don't. - No, no, let him answer the question, Matt. - If we laugh, it's setting the wrong vibe. I've known him for 20 years. - Josh didn't stop it. - I love you, Garrett. - Thank you, Josh. I appreciate it. - That's high level comedy. - That feels nice. - I'm in. - Thank you. - So Matt from Matt-sa-choo-suh. - Ah, you loved it. - Nice. - What can we do for you, buddy? - So I have an issue with my kids. So I have two year old twin daughters.

Hey. So it was Christmas this year. So my wife makes these really great like maple spice tea cans every Christmas and like puts them out on the table and everybody's snacking on them. And like Christmas morning, obviously with like two toddlers, we were up crazy early. And so I've been drinking my coffee with my Bailey since about 630 in the morning. That a boy. Alcoholism. Sorry.

the tone was encouraging yeah the lyrics were it was almost a jingle for morning drinking alcoholism anytime you have a morning drink on christmas for the rest of your life i would like you to sing alcoholism okay so you're you're having some baileys in the morning

And we get to the afternoon and people are starting to show up and we're snacking on the pecans. And I have my one daughter sitting in my lap and, uh, you know, she's like getting curious. So I can hand her one and she tries it and she loves it. And so I look at my wife and I say, Oh, she really likes it. My wife turns around and she says, likes what? And I have the sense of humor of a like 13 year old boy and, uh,

I, without missing a beat, said, these nuts. And my daughter started, I didn't say it like that. So my daughter first started laughing because I said it. How'd you say it, Matt? These nuts? Yeah.

Okay, that is an interesting detail. But also, I like the way you first told it, and then I said to my wife very casually, these nuts. I believe we were in the study having a brandy, but I looked at her and I said, I believe it was these nuts. I don't remember exactly. Yeah, but in the actual tale, these nuts. Okay, so now I definitely get why your daughter is cracking up. Yeah, hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Great dad. Alcoholism. Yeah.

I'll get a little drink. All right. So your wife goes, what is she like? You do these nuts. Your kid laughs. Then what? And then starts repeating it because she's two and...

Well, I mean, but we were all laughing about it. I mean, you know, it was thankfully like, and then of course her sister comes in the room and the one that's sitting on my lap, she's like the alpha in this situation. So anything she does, the other one, like she has to do. I've lived this situation. I get it, man. I get it. Yeah. There's always an alpha. Yeah. And it's not me. Title! Title!

Hence the morning drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hence a new podcast that a lot of us would be on. There's always an Alva, it's not me starring literally almost everybody I know. I'll show you the betas of this family. Fucking deez nuts. Are you okay, Matt? You're yelling a lot in the kitchen. Good one, first officer. All right.

Okay, so keep going. So the two of them are now saying it, and it's like fine, and I think it's like an isolated incident. But then like every time, but the thing is I wish it was just them like saying it to be funny, but now she associates these nuts as what she should call every form of nuts there is.

I'm still waiting for the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Are you just here to brag about a thing you did? Yeah. That you've made your daughter funnier. Congratulations. She's going to be popular. Well,

She's going to go to some kid's house and go like, hey, Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith, can I get some more of these nuts? Eight, 40-year-olds would be like, that's gold. Fucking hey, that kid is funny. That kid's good. No, but she is funny. And I figured like, oh, that'll be her thing. But no, like my wife will take out the pecans, like put some in her oatmeal. And she'd be like, oh, mommy's got these nuts. Yeah.

And I'm like, you know, she said it at my mother-in-law's house the other day. Understood. But Matt, it sounds like this. Here's what it sounds like.

And let me tell me if I'm wrong. It sounds like you did this. You like that you did it. Your wife doesn't like that it's happening. Honestly, no, because my wife knows the man she married and she knew that this kind of humor came along with the package. Okay. I'm starting to get, cause she's also now said at school and I've had her at daycare and I had one of her daycare teachers tell me like, Hey,

And they're like, they're super advanced for their age. They're like really chatty. And so like most of the kids in their class are not talking as much. So like, I don't want these kids first words to be like, you've really started a fire. I get it. It's really hard though, because kids who swear are funny. Oh yeah. And so I was just in Arizona with my sister and her kids. And when all five are together,

The thing that makes them laugh is one of, they do that like, whatever. You know what I'm talking about. That's it. Oh, wow. I've been on the internet. My little nephew goes, really, he does it perfectly. He'll go in, you'll be sitting there. He goes right on your ear and you'll go.

And then he'll go like, oh yeah, fuck it. Or whatever. There's like an ending swear that I didn't even know was a swear. And then my kids have to tell me. So we were at the Grand Canyon and there's like everybody looking at these beautiful views. And then our little five rats, my two and my sister are all going like, oh,

Fuck it. Fuck it. And I was finally like, we're not in the car anymore. Right. This is disgusting. It's car talk. It's echoing. You see that really nice family over there? Pretend to be them.

Stop saying, yeah, fuck it. Because every time you say it, I laugh. Dad, we want to go, yeah. Every wonder of the world. Niagara Falls. Yeah. The pyramids. And the hard part about it, Matt, that I can relate to is it's really funny.

Yeah. Yeah. When a little kid comes out of their mouth, when my daughters to this day, if they get hurt and they go like, ah, fuck my thought, I go, Hey language. My thought is perfect usage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got to say, I get more turned off when a kid goes, Oh my God. Yeah.

Like there are weird little trigger things where like a well-placed fuck, I go, okay. You use it right. Yeah. One quick thing that just made me think of this, and I think this was based off our first time we chatted doing the other pod. You were a kid standup. Yes. Oh,

- Oh wow. - So Josh was like a really funny kid and then just started doing standup and doing pretty well. - Yeah, I did okay. - Which is amazing. - Crazy. - How old were you when you did standup? - I was nine because I didn't have a dad. - That is insane. - And I wasn't ever. - I didn't have a dad.

100%. It's literally- Hey, fellas, I got some jokes. Any dads out there? Who wants to hug? This is crowd work. Yeah, I just started doing stand-up early on, but to my mom's credit, a.k.a. my manager, my momager, she was like-

She's like, no blue. Oh, no. Because, you know, on TikTok now, they'll be kid comedians who obviously their parents wrote the material. Right. They'll be like, what's going on with Trump or this? A hundred percent. And you're like, it's not funny. It's not funny. It's weird. Yeah. You were writing your own stuff at nine? Yeah. I mean, I would basically just like do bits. Yeah. Shocking.

Yeah, like things that I saw at school, bad impressions. But had the guts to get up and do it. Oh, it's nuts. So the connection to that is you're creating very funny kids. My pitch is boundaries.

And I wouldn't say, cause I, what you don't want to get into is go like that thing you do that makes us all laugh, which makes you happy. Cause all three of us talking to you are professional clowns. We love making people laugh when nine years old, you're getting on stage to do it. It,

feels really good. So your daughters are getting this euphoric feeling. Her fucking dad is cracking up and all she's got to say is, these nuts? That isn't easy. That's like putting a coin in and getting 777 on a slot. You're like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding

I mean, your main issue is that your daughter is now going public, pardon the phrasing, with these nuts. Right. And how do we stop it? My other pitch would be these kids now have a nut allergy. It's time for a goldfish.

We're doing goldfish and graham crackers. You can't. The only way to curb it is to quit cold turkey. So you can't have nuts out any. Jesus Christ, it's really hard to not sound weird. But you can't have nuts out anymore in front of your kids. Oh, yeah. Here's another pitch. And at school, you say they have a peanut allergy. Yeah. And they also can't hear the word or they break out. So nobody can have peanuts around them. Here's another pitch. And it's a little bit running a mile to go a block. Fake a new term.

That's not Deez Nuts. That's like banana split. And then fake crack up.

I like that. So then when your daughter says banana split, fall on the ground laughing. A la mode. A la mode. Bailey's at 445. Alcoholism. But then when she says deez nuts, bite your tongue so you don't laugh. I like that. But if she says banana split, a la mode, you're on the floor. I think this is the winner so far. That's what I would do. You cannot no longer laugh at

that. I would even do the thing where you're like, and he's nuts. He's kind of tired. Yeah. And bring out whatever the snack is like. That's interesting. Goldfish. Goldfish. And you're like, that's genius. Trans fat. What Josh is saying, there could be messages. Yeah. The idea, Matt, is you're teaching her the beginning of hackery. Yes. And that is

She goes like, hey, daddy, these nuts. And you just do the look of like, yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it kind of. Do you have any new stuff? Yes. Right. You go like, that's a pretty good joke from yesterday, honey. Yeah. And then she'll feel what we've all felt. And that is my wheelhouse just died. I got nothing. Shame. And then you go like this. I don't know. Do you want any goldfish?

That has trans fat and she'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you fall on the ground like, yeah. Give her a new path to win. And you got to stick with it. Every time it happens, you got to laugh. You got to lean in. It's the new Deez Nuts, but it's just bullshit. Yes, you are laughing at weird rhythms. I mean, I think that's good. But my other problem is just like trying to get her not to call. I mean, because my wife is so I guess I got to tell her to like,

Stop putting pecans in your oatmeal. No, no, no, no, no. I don't think you do. I mean, that's how bad her addiction to D's nuts. Your worry is that she thinks nuts, she thinks the way you say nuts is D's nuts. So it's not even a bit necessarily. This is just for her like a

This is what she thinks pecans are called. Also, how good are these pecans? Yeah, seriously. They keep coming up. Dozenuts? Dozenuts are good, man. Dozenuts in question. How good are Dozenuts? Dozenuts. That is true, though. I mean, it sounds like... I like to suck Dozenuts. Jake, come on. They're sweet. It's sweet sucking damn nuts that your wife makes. I like to suck Dozenuts. Never mind. I want to suck your wife's nuts.

At least want to touch your wife's nuts. That one's very precarious, Jake. I think we're now better. I think you might have to not have nuts for a minute. I don't know if I agree with Josh. Where are you at? Where are you at, Josh? I think you gave perfect advice, and it's true. And every kid is a hack until they realize that, like, that joke's only going to go so far. I get it, right? I...

I'm glad you didn't say orange again in your knock-knock joke. Indeed I am. But yeah, I think, but also I find feeling the pressure to be entertaining in a story, which now your daughters are, they're obviously well on their way, is such a gift. Because I hear people fucking blather.

They just go and I go, no stop. Yeah. Nothing. I was like, no insecurity. Can I get one fun roadside joke here? So you're giving them a gift. Well,

What do you think? You're like a, you're Spalding Gray with this story. Oh, write some jokes. I didn't know I was talking to Jordan Peterson. One child show. Yeah. It's really funny. You're not wrong. Yeah. There'll be certain and certain kids naturally have it where I'll go like, Hey, how's gymnastics? And some like little kid, one of my daughter's little kid friends will tell a story. And I'm like, that had three jokes in it. You know what? Your, your story is missing is the, ah,

oh yeah i am a fan of those that's jake's note is the network well the problem with that with that uh with my nephew is when they all came in uh he has a little bit of a lisp and you know with steve berg obviously i'm a big fan but they all got together and as a joke they had like a doll that had no clothes on and all the parents were at the table and somebody goes

what's going on and he goes we're talking sexy stuff and it created a level of laughter in me that they all saw and then they would all be like we're talking and they were trying to find what it is i'm like no there's no going back i didn't understand that there was going to be a list too and then that transitioned into talking and he goes like we're talking and i was like oh

Oh my God. I malfunctioned. Yeah. I have hit my, whatever I refer to as wheelhouse. My son's TK teacher gave a lovely report card and she said in kind of her report to us, like he has a bit of a lisp and we'll see if he grows out of it. I go, have you met me? Yeah. I said, he sounds like me. You have a lisp?

Yeah, a little bit. Okay. Here and there. I was overweight. It kind of comes with... It goes with the territory. You ever met a chubby kid without a list? I did not know. I never put this together. I did not know that either. It's a chubby tongue? Your tongue will never lose...

No, we got to retroactively do that on Steve Berg. So here's where we're at, Matt. Yeah. You've created a potential great thing, but I think we're leaning in the direction of lean into new things being funny and teach your kid that the repeating of a joke, it's just not the path you want to go down even at two. So if she says D's nuts,

Not even being in trouble or stirring, you go, do you mean these nuts? I would also be like... But if she said goldfish, you laugh. I would start differentiating. I would be like, these are pecans. These are pecans. Over and over again. Yeah. While you're giving the goldfish laugh. Or do the... You know what? Let's make it really easy.

Rather than g-g-g-g-goldfish, how about pe-cance? P-p-p-cance! How about pistachios? Yes. Almonds! So each nut gets its own laugh, but the word nuts isn't funny. Yes. Nuts is not funny or used. But peanut? Well, peanuts. Well, we'll figure it out. Take away the P out of D's. It's funny again. D's nuts! Ha ha ha!

Matt, you're in a load of trouble, man. Nothing's better than these nuts coming from a little kid. We're trying, but honestly, you've really fucked yourself. All right, so Matt, we got a boogie, but in closing, tell us what you're going to do here, bud. I think you're right in trying to make other snacks and other things sound funny to her, and I think that'll kind of get her sort of

for these nuts fixation like fix yeah and then so give us an example of how you could do it we're your kid you're you let's see how you sell different uh yeah give us a goldfish or yeah give us a whatever yeah

Give us a pecan. Okay. Pecan. I think this is going to work. Yeah, dude. Hearing you do it. It's better. It's good. It's better. What else do your kids eat besides pecan? Do they eat a lot of almonds? No, but they eat like pirate foodies. They call them puppies. Give us a taste on this. Give us a taste on this. How can you sell us that? Stop it, Matt. Matt, how can you sell us a funny pirate's foodie?

Pirate booty. I was going to throw a pirate accident, but what he just did was so good. So, Matt, look, this is an obvious one. Sir, you know the answer. Yeah, Matt, I think you go forth with your process. We're merely giving you direction. May I make one more request? Yes. Before we Viking funeral these nuts, may we get a video of this happening?

Before we do the full send-off, it would be great to just see what we're doing. To close us off, will you say, hey, thanks for being here, Josh Peck. We really appreciate you. And then close us with a Deez Nuts. Sure. Thank you for being here, Josh Peck. Thank you. Deez Nuts! Godspeed, Matty Boy. Enjoy Massachusetts. Stunning. Thanks, guys.

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Hello there. Welcome to the show. Sorry, it's so stilted at the beginning. You're on with Jake Johnson. Were you apologizing to yourself? I apologized. The audience or him? I think the pause was huge. It wasn't pregnant. It was having puppies. It was brutal. It was like, hey, how you doing? And then nobody did anything. I was like, I've already ruined the call somehow. How is this going bad? And all I did was start. I didn't even start.

You're on with Jake Johnson, meh, Gareth Reynolds, meh, and our guest today, an amazing actor, a man who started stand-up at nine years old, and someone who just taught us about chubby... And was just in a movie who was nominated, will win all the awards. Yes, was in Oppenheimer, as well as taught us recently about chubby kids having chubby tongues, Josh Peck. So you got three killers on this call.

Good Guys Podcast. Yes, Good Guys Podcast. Become a moron today. What is your name, age, and where are you calling from? Hi, my name is Alex. I am 29, and I am from South Jersey. South Jersey. I don't hear a South Jersey. No, I don't either. Were you born and raised there?

No, I was actually born in the Poconos. But now I live like 30 minutes outside of Philly. Okay, Poconos. Okay, it sounds like you've led an exciting life so far, Alex. What's the issue today? What can we help you with? All right, so the issue today is about a month ago, unfortunately, I tore the meniscus in my right knee, which is a...

isn't too bad for walking stuff but is a problem enough that i have to get surgery and i just found out recently that i'm gonna get surgery and then will not be able to walk for like a month and then we'll have like a four month recovery after that so it's a pretty legit injury so my problem my dilemma and what i'm hoping you guys can help with is that i uh i injured it in basically the least cool way possible i was literally just sitting on the couch

When I go. Wow. How did that. How does that even walk us through? Well, don't limp us through. Yeah. How does this happen? Oh,

I was literally just sitting with my wife watching TV. We have like, you know, a couch with like a chaise lounge on it. I have my left leg like straightened out. My right leg was bent and I literally just went to straighten my leg out. Your body just broke at 29? You're 29. How much Wawa do you consume? South Jersey. Honestly. Do you only drink sweet tea? No.

How bad is your lisp?

Before you straighten your leg, did you hear your body go, I can't do this anymore? So you're okay. I'm thinking about the American Heart Association having now guidelines for if you develop a list. Yeah. Oh, God. This is what it is. So, Alex, you're sitting on a couch. Coronary heart disease. You're 29 years old. You're just moving a little bit and your meniscus tears, right? Yeah.

I'm in the prime of my life. I go running sometimes. Yeah. I, I literally just straight my leg out and my leg made the loudest pop I've ever heard my body made. And so I think we got, we got a good setup. We kind of know what's happening. What is the, I think I know what the question is, but what is the question today? So the question or the problem is that, um, I've only really told a few people what happened so far that I even injured it. And the few people I told, um,

unanimously have said you gotta find something else I'm with you it's true I think you gotta lie here 100% this needs a lie is there evidence of you running throughout time or did you just create that for the podcast yeah be honest did you feel shame and then you were like I'm a long distance jogger no no I've run to the bodega and I've gotten my powder donuts and then I slowly walked back and then ran back and then walked and then ran back for my third round but then I was done yeah

Well, no, not done done. Then I stopped on the way because there was a donut shop. So, Alex, are you actually a jogger is Josh's question. I am. I'm not going to lie. Ever since COVID, it's been a little while. I used to run religiously. I ran. I would run in the Broad Street run like a 10 mile run in Philly. I haven't run as much the last three years. It's not as much of a solid excuse. Right. But you're a fit guy.

And I'm not talking about you should have your shirt off on a magazine. What you're saying is you should be able to stretch your leg out and not sustain a six month injury. If we were doing this on Zoom, we wouldn't all go like, well, Alex. Yeah. You're a 900 pounder, my man. Like you look like you got dragged out of a river.

Your knees need help. So we're on your team. Fuck the lie. Let's do the weird Atkins thing where you just eat like cheese and bacon for a year and see what happens. Your heart's going to be in trouble, but like just eating cheese, I guess you eat your own body. You know, Dr. Atkins really got a rough go at it, didn't he? He created keto and they just let him die. Well, he kind of did. I do remember the beginning of it when I,

all my really chubby friends started losing weight. I remember this too. And I would go like, what's going on? And they would always be sweating and it would be a weird smell. And I would go, what's going on, dude? You dropped like 50. And they're like, honestly, dude, I just eat like bacon and hamburgers. The amount of bacon too. You're like, that's a lot. What is that, a pig's worth? And then I would go,

Don't you need like the other stuff for like your health? And they're like, I don't know. But what I will say is weight is flying off my body. Yeah.

So yes, there was something great there. The perfect diet for Americans. I do think there's going to be a turn though that you can't live off of just like pork and cheese. I was Atkins at 12. You were? Oh yeah, babe. Josh, your timeline is so early. You should be 65 years old right now. Honestly. That's going to be my book. Atkins at 12. Who put you on Atkins at fucking 12? The same doctor that wanted to put me on statins.

What are statins? Wow. Cholesterol meds. Are you kidding? At 12? Oh, yeah, babe. At 12 years old, I think my cholesterol was hovering around 250. Wow. By the way, my cholesterol now, 158. There you go. Because I've been on statins. Is that just the level of stress of being a kid actor and doing all that? It's just being heavy. Yeah, the eating. I was just a big, big boy. But listen, this podcast is brought to you by Crestor. Crestor. What a drug. Hey!

And rocket money. Crestor. Were you chubby as a child? Crestor. Do I have crippling leg cramps? Sure. Is it worth it? Yeah. Says my doctor. Will I be on it for the rest of my life? Yes. Says my doctor. Alcoholism. Wash it down with my antidepressant. Is this all right?

Okay, Alex, we're combining calls, my friend. So your knee got torn up and you need a better story. Yes, I do. And I can relate to this. I about a little under a year ago, I did start jujitsu. I really like it. I think it's really cool. I'm just coming off my first big injury.

Yeah. What was it? From jujitsu. You'd assume fighting. Yeah. The injury. What was the injury? Come on, groin. This is going to be taking my shoes off. Literally stretching at the beginning of class. So good. My back just fucking changed. And what did you do when that happens? I pretended it didn't happen. Okay. Because I was in a room full of people who were fine. Yep. We did a shoulder roll, which is just basically you're rolling your fat ass around a mat. Yeah. I...

And no one's saying you have to do it perfect form. Just take your fat body and move a little bit. That's all I did. I felt like a knife go through my back.

It was two weeks of not being able to sleep, and now it's finally better. No sparring, no nothing. Just the body changed. So I'm not judging you, Alex. I'm relating to you. But we need a good story. We do. What do you guys, as a group of friends, when you're hanging out with friends, what's like a really fun thing you guys might all do? Is there anything? We sit.

You're not going to like it. Alex, give it to us. We might love it. We might love some dragons. Just saying. Please. That might be too active. The dice. Really just like, you know, maybe a good escape room, going to the bar. Escape room. I like that. Okay, my friend. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Jake's got an order up. Woo! Order up. Escape room, guys. Let's build it.

I like it. Holy shit, Garth. We had nothing. We had Josh. You were cooking. I'm talking jujitsu. I'm talking buffalo wings. You thought you hurt your back stretching watching you dig and dig and dig. I was like, this poor guy's not going to be able to walk tomorrow. Holy shit. I'm going to go to bed, guys. Look at you. Escape room. Jake, pencil down. Lean back. Also, I did just hear a pop from over there. I hope that's okay. It wasn't worth it. It didn't seem like it was okay. It wasn't worth it. Okay.

So you guys like escape rooms? Yes. What's your favorite theme of an escape room? If you were to build an escape room that was your dream escape room, Alex, what would it be? Probably like a Jurassic Park theme, I think. All right, we're getting there. You like dinosaurs? You like that kind of stuff?

Yeah, I just I feel like, you know, just just watching the movies and stuff like I think that would be a good one. Like a lot of, you know, like like traps and stuff. You got a lot of action going on. Yeah. So is it believable to the people you tell? Not your inner inner circle, the people who know and love you because you don't lie to them. But we're talking about lying to kind of random people at work. People come in the bank. Some some you are. We know. I mean, having seen someone with this injury, I mean, you are going to get asked a lot.

For a while. And then you're going to have a cane for a little bit. It's going to be a whole thing. Yeah. Maybe the rest of your life. So if we were to start building a dinosaur themed escape room that was heightened to a level where at the end you're being chased.

and you have to fight your way for freedom. Is that? How big is this escape room? I was in an escape warehouse. So maybe there's a world we created. Because what you don't want to do is I went to an escape room, I got nervous, I ran too fast, I tore my knee. This is what you qualify with. It's all people need to know. So I go to this escape room that I found on Groupon. Oh, that's pretty good. You're done. You're done. Because people go,

Group on escape room. Right. Keep going. Walk us through this. I'm envisioning raised floorboards, nothing up to code. You know when you go to a haunted house that isn't really like nobody declared it to be an actual. Like it's just some guys like it's a haunted house. My buddy's got a chainsaw. That version may be of an escape room. So Alex, what do you think about part of the story is they go, what happened to your knee? And you go.

I went to an escape room that I got on a Groupon thing. And it was a Jurassic Park themed when I was excited. It was the jankiest, most dangerous thing. There were holes in the floor. Yeah. It was as scary as a dinosaur was just a guy with a chainsaw. Yeah. And then you go. And what happened with the knee? And you go.

Honestly, part of the floor caved in. Or how about this? You were in there, genuinely got afraid that this might not be a sanctioned escape room, and you had to actually escape the escape room. Legit. And you kind of had to use your... You had to kick the door down to get your wife to the car. Hey, Alex...

This might just turn into a horror action pitch. Yes. What do you think? And are you going to commit to something that in the middle of a Jurassic Park escaped room, you realized you might be in a dangerous situation and you had to like scrap a little bit.

But in escaping, when you got out, you're like, I don't know, because it was the best escape room experience of my life. But I do think I was in a street fight. Yep. What do you think, Alex? I like that. I think it's, yeah, I think it's also doing the whole Groupon thing. It's kind of untraceable because Groupons go on and off. You can get one one day and it won't exist next week. Who are you telling? Yeah. The Groupon guy here.

If you know anything about Josh and we do, he's a Groupon guy. I got Botox from Groupon. Josh likes to get his Groupon. But you got it at 11. Yeah.

It wasn't a medical office. It was a garage. So I just finished doing my set. I was touring around. I was with my second wife at the time. I was 11. I was 11. I went to the doctor. I said, can you make me look eight again? The turn on Josh is you started stand up at nine. You were married at 10, divorced at 10 and a half, married at 11, cholesterol medicine at 12, congenital heart failure at 15. And then in like your 30s, you were like, I'm really,

I'm really just 30 now. - Yeah, somehow. - And I'm loving it. I'm old at heart. - Literally. Or you said that right, your heart is old. - That's a better way to say it. - I would do. - Saying that as like an oh, you know me. My heart is old.

Oh, me with my sayings. I always get it wrong. So, Alex, will you do us a favor? Yeah. Will, I'm going to ask you a question like you're at the bank. And will you tell us what happened to your knee with all the information you got on this? And we'll kind of see how this. Are we co-workers or are you just making a deposit or something like that? Just a deposit. Just a deposit.

Are there any other characters in this scene? Maybe Josh. Okay. And maybe Josh has a buddy with him that day. So Josh. I'll play myself. Okay. So you're Josh. All right. I'll play myself. And you work there? No. Okay. What are you? Just so I know who you are. Aaron. I want to know the scene. This is about Alan. I know, but we want to make it as real as possible for him. What's the scene, Garth? Well, I think you guys do your thing and maybe I cap it with a robbery. Okay.

Just so my guy has something. Really quick pitch. What do you think about a bank robbery? That's on my list. Alex, do you like an escape room or there was a bank robbery at your job? I think the escape room. Let's go with that. I'll find my guy. He'll come in a little later. So I'm just here to make a deposit.

Oh, yeah. One second. I've got to get my crutches. Hold on. It's a little tough to get over there. Here, I'll hand them to you, Alex. I work next to you. Okay. So... Oh, thanks. There you go. There's the other one. There's the second one, too. Get them both. I can't believe there are men who are special forces and men doing what we're doing now, and we're all men.

What was the title of the other one? All My Friends Are Betas. We are the betas. We might be the gamins. That's how you take us out of a scene to be like, you realize there are actual heroes out there while you're figuring out your crutch dollar character. Not all heroes wear capes. Alex, we're back in. Let's get back to pretend. So, sir, what happened to your knee?

You wouldn't believe it. It's obviously kind of embarrassing. I got a Groupon for me and my friends to go to this escape room. It was this Jurassic Park themed escape room. Honestly, it sounded really cool. The pictures looked way better online. But we got there and it was

the jankiest thing i've ever been in um there was like pieces the pieces of puzzles were like falling apart and stuff and yeah i literally just uh i was in the middle of doing it and i realized like yo we gotta we gotta get out of here this isn't safe um and as we were really trying to get out i one of the floorboards literally caved in and i twisted my knee walking out and i was like you know what i'm done and i just we went out and obviously didn't think about it like how much it hurt at the time but i realized afterwards like i

i up my knee pretty bad and uh yeah the women got an mri and stuff and they like i tore my meniscus okay josh i did it in this paper but i can't isn't that the craziest story thoughts i'm cutting out isn't that crazy he tells that story all the time i'm like wow we work at the bank yeah that's cool uh cindy yeah okay i have a crazy story too what do you have i'm from cancun that's

That's not a story. Oh. It's a setup of a story. Imagine all the tales I have. I have a podcast. What's it called? Can't Coon. Okay. And cut. All right, great. Wow, we got that at the end too. That's high level comedy. I love that. So there are guys who do special forces, hey Jack? Can't Coon.

Now that's good. So Josh, what do you think of Alex's pitch? If you're at the bank and you really heard that honest opinion? I think it's good. I think we're going to have to troubleshoot it real quick because there might be some follow-ups such as, did you report them to the Better Escape Room Bureau? What are you going to say to that? I would say to that. The BEB. I would say no.

I'd say, why are you asking that? That's when you just go check your savings. You're just a teller. You're just at the bank, man. Chill out. So what would you say to that, Alex? It's got to be the less traceable, the better. I feel like I just have to be like, no, honestly, I just wanted to get out of there. How about this? How about, no, I didn't want to get in any more trouble. I canceled the credit card I used because I didn't want him to know anything else about me. But I also have something about the story. I do too. Go ahead. Well, I think we want to up

the danger. It's kind of like, yeah, it starts exciting. I don't like that the floorboard said, I think you got to use your leg in a way to kick a door and knock a handle down or break a lock off or one of the guys dressed like a T-Rex.

He came out to scare us and we all jumped in. It was fun. Then he kind of attacked. He got in your wife's face. So you kicked him in the belly. I knew you like you were laughing. You were at first and he wouldn't stop. And you realize this is just a dude in a bad neighborhood in South Jersey. Yes. Who's like grabbing at my. And I said, like,

I said like, stop. And he wouldn't. And before, and you go like, and you know, I'm not a fighter, but I realized we then got into a fist fight with a man dressed like a T-Rex. The person at the bank is going to go, what? You go, I know craziest experience of my life. So we fight, I'm kicking him as hard as I can. As he goes down, we then run out. And the weirdest part afterward, when we complained is they said, that's the escape room. Yeah.

- Yeah. - You've escaped. - That's a game. - And to them, it was like this dark, it was like a really dark version 'cause it said for adults only, but it's just like, you know,

thing that happens where you have to really escape and it's not about putting fucking puzzles together. Right. And say like we thought it was adults only like we thought it was like erotica. Yeah. Right. Like we thought that was going to be thought to be like just like more advanced because I don't want to go to escape room that a 10 year old can get out of. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I don't want to be there and have some two year old girl run around going these nuts. She's Jake. You are making it. We can only air them together. And this one has to be second. This one has to be second. Yeah.

But what do you think of that, Alex? That part of this story is you say like, they go, what happened to your knee? And you could go like, it's a whole crazy story you might not want to hear. And some people will go like, well, I'm sorry it happened. And you move on. Other people like me would go like, I got the time. Yeah. And then you tell them this tale of,

So it was an adult only. My wife was kind of wondering, is that erotica? What does that mean? And we followed up and they said, it's not erotica, but it's not for kids. So it's 21 and older. And we thought like, oh, cool. It might just be like way harder. And what we didn't realize is what they meant by way harder is the thing turned on itself and it became erotic.

physically dangerous. And then when we complained because we had signed all the waivers, they said like, well, it's actually really popular. And they go, it is. And you're like, so if you're going to do an escape room, be careful. Make sure it's like a friendly one. And it had an NDA. Yeah. I shouldn't even be telling you this. And you're probably going to get the follow up

People are like, oh, I would like to do something like that. The BERB closed them down. And say right from jump it was 22 and over because when people go 22 and over, you go, that was the first sign that it was weird. Red flag. Yeah. So 22 and older. What do you think of this, Alex? I love it. Hey, Alex, what happened to your knee? Yeah. Oh, this story's nuts. It's kind of embarrassing. You wouldn't believe it. Charming. Yeah.

This is my friend Josh Peck. How are you? You wouldn't believe the shit he did at 10. I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan. I know you. Yeah, okay. I got to work. We're at the table now. I know. I know. Okay, yeah. I just am like, wow. And I heard your podcast. Okay, cool. It's just full of tales. Things that shouldn't have happened in a crazy. Oh, yeah, what was the best tale? Because all I heard was just this setup. Well, when they told me that I was going to get a monkey butler and it was just some guy who was drunk.

You can't. Can't. I'm sorry, Alex. Back to you.

This is available wherever you get I know how you hurt your leg you kick Cindy right in the face Oh my god, just trying to or trying to run away from this lunatic. Jeez Wow, okay. I'll be over here. Go ahead Alex. Tell me your story I want to talk to you after though about an idea. I'm sorry my co-worker Gareth always does this No, it's Garrett I Used to work in the business. Yeah. All right. So Alex I

My friend Josh and I are here to make a deposit, and for us it's kind of small stuff. It's only like $100 million. Yeah, it's nothing. Just Wednesday, right? It's one residual check. Yeah, same with me. Do you want to take out 50 mil and just throw it out the window? Yeah, sounds good. This is our fun account that our families don't even know about. Yeah, it's our secret account. Hey, guys, the people in line are waiting to go up to maybe listen to the guy's story and get out of here. That's my friend Gareth. Wow.

The bank of South Jersey's got a lot of douchebags. Yeah, he looks just like Cindy from Can't Camp. Yeah, this is all over the place at this bank. So, hey, bud, what happened to your knee, my guy? Yeah, so I just saw Groupon online for an escape room, and I saw it was 22 and over, which I thought was kind of weird in hindsight, but honestly, I was like, you know, my friends and I like escape rooms. It's Jurassic Park themed. We'll check it out. We'll try it out.

We got there and honestly it was actually it wasn't like any I thought it was gonna be like kind of a harder escape room It was legitimately an escape room like we were the it was like their intense Physical aspects of like trying to get out certain areas some dude jumped out in a dinosaur costume I thought he was like trying to like, you know, I was gonna get my wife's face So like I literally had to get in a fight with a dude in one of those stupid t-rex costumes um

and by the time like it was all done and over I fought away at T-Rex all day wait Alex you named three Alex at that point you gotta name three different dinosaurs when it was over your three favorite dinosaurs you fought off yeah so take us a little bit back just so we can hear the different dinosaurs the story's great though

So we're doing, you know, we're solving a puzzle, but then we're doing like, there's like more physical aspects of the escape room. Then all of a sudden there's a bronchiosaurus, uh, she's dying across the door. His costume. There's a dude in a velociraptor costume. I'm just fighting them off one by one. Like Jackie Chan. And I ended up, I ended up. You say like there was a stegosaurus and they're classically herbivores. Not tonight. Yeah. That,

There's a pterodactyl, but on the ground. Yeah. All right, Alex, keep going. This is excellence. And so I was honestly like, I was kind of pissed by the end of it. I was like, this was way too, I don't know what was going on. This is not an escape room I've ever done. And,

And I think I shouldn't be telling you this because they at the end, like they made a fine NBA and they were like, you should have read the fine print. This is like what goes into it. This is just actually an escape room. But and then shrug and go, look, not all heroes wear capes. Oh, yeah. Or go like, look, there's people out there in the special forces and then guys like me doing this. Or you could be a hack and go, it's healing up, but it's still a little dinosaur.

Thank you so much for the call, Alex. Alex, appreciate it. I think you got a real win here, man. I do too. Are you going to do it? Yeah, I think so. I like it. Way better than I stretched it out. Yeah, way better than I was watching TV. Will you email us after your first encounter and we might have you back on to tell us how it went? Yes.

Yes, I will. I'll let you guys know how the first time goes. Awesome. And Josh, thanks, buddy. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, guys. Pleasure. And Alex, if you need to sell the pain pills after your surgery. Yeah.

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You got kids? No, I have a cat, but it's a lot. Close. Yeah, there's litter. It's a whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. Passive aggressive. Oh, completely. Yeah, your furniture. I mean, honestly, shit's inside. Yeah. Like a box when you're first training them to fucking go. Yeah, no, it's wild. No, but there's a lot. I get it. I mean, the perils of fatherhood or having a cat are very similar. Yeah.

I also know Josh from, I mean, you were one of the first guys that I saw that was like really killing it on like vines and social media. Yeah. Where you're like doing the short form, but making really funny stuff.

I like it. It's lucrative. It's funny. The one you just did, I didn't grow up with a dad. I saw that one. Also, Ninja opening a door. Or the assassin opening the door. Good joke. I enjoy it. I run in by my wife and she goes, I don't want to watch. You're like, 20 seconds, honey. Yeah, she's super supportive. I do a similar thing. I'll see you at the premiere. I've just stopped doing, but if I have a new idea I'm excited about, I pitch to her. I'll be like, what do you think of this?

Her logic question, she'll go like, I mean, what is that? And I finally start going like, all of it's going to get figured out. That's the best. When you're just like, you don't know what you're doing. Yeah, just stop. You don't have the business. Right. Yes. Yeah, my wife's not a huge fan of mine, but fan enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fan enough to sleep with me. Yeah, here and there.

Josh, when I left this morning, my fiance said, tell Josh I'm a moron. And I was like, what is that? And she's like, that's what the podcast fans go by. And I was like, all right. I had no idea. Well, when I said, maybe, no, you're not. When I said to Kevin, I was like, so Josh Peck and I, we're all going to do the swap. He goes, this is the most excited my wife and all her friends are.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. In honor. Everyone else has been like, oh, okay. And it's like, Josh is doing the show? Wow. What a queen your wife is. What a moron. Your wife is a moron. She's part of the moron movement. Yeah. We got Gareth and Jake's mom. Oh, cool.

- We have family. - Oh yeah. - We haven't had them give advice yet, but we did it for years. Gareth's mom is pretty attractive. - This is already, we're not even recording. No, it's not good for me. And it's not one of those things where, what Jake is already doing, stop.

He's already, what he's doing is he's greasing the wheels to be a real fucking weirdo right now. And I'm going to stop you right now. Gareth's mom's attractive. Like, I'm going to be like, you know how it is. My mom's hot. Go ahead, Jake. Keep going, buddy. Well, Josh, she's also flirty. Stop. Cool. My mom's a piece too. I cannot allow any of this.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.