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You're all red. I'm trying to be cute. All right, action. Hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. I just said to Gareth, whatever you're up to, you're not sly. And I just said, Jake, I love you. No, you said, I'm not trying to be sly. I'm trying to be cute.
We've got another great episode today. Yeah. And it's another client solo. Just J and G. I like it. I do too. We love the guests. We love having people over, but let's be honest. We're also a domesticated married couple and it's nice to just have some, some QT with each other. And it's, you know what also it is cause we're both big talkers. Yeah.
It's nice to have just more time because you know what I really love about this show after now doing around 60 of them? Yeah. More because we have about 30 that we haven't released. Doing about 100 of these so far, which is shocking. Crazy. Did you think when I pitched you this idea that you'd ever say we have 100 coming? No. Yeah. I didn't think I was going to do it. I didn't think I was going to like it after 10. Yeah. I'm viewing these as a six-month lease. Yeah. I'm leasing to buy. Yep.
- But it's still really fun. And I think the game that's still really fun apart from honestly really enjoying spending time with you. - Oh, Jake. - Getting to know the Kev man. - Yeah. - Is the callers are really fun. So having the guests are really fun because you get to have like the Jillian Bell come on and cry. All these different people you get reminded how funny they are. Darcy Carden, all these people come in. But the real fun for me is humans are reminding me are so weird.
So weird. And when they're real about their problem, it is so funny. I think for us too, it's like the amount of things that we're like, can't believe, you know, it's like, you can't believe you're still like, what is going on? And when they, like the cat earwax one. Shocking. Like that to me, it was like, this will never end. Yes. But also, and you, we say this off air, but we're always shocked that every once in a while, uh,
mostly you will have an idea that you'll look at me as you're pitching and it'll be the, this is the bad idea. Then when they take the bad idea and it works for them. Oh, that's the craziest. It's insane. When we're both going, yeah, not this one. And they're like, I think I'm going to kick the door down. I think I like fire for fire. I think I like fire for fire a lot. Okay. Yeah. And I will say it is getting, it's good to know Kevin as well. Does he follow you on Instagram? I don't think so. Yeah, he does. Don't follow a lot of people on the grid.
Hold on, Kevin. Do you follow me on Instagram? I don't follow either of you or the show. You don't? What's going on with you, buddy? I'm a low follower. Well, but we all want to keep the countdown. Now, is it the optics of who you're following or you just have no interest in the lives of people? No, it helps me stay off the Instagrams as much. Hey, I just followed my sisters this year. Big year for them. I follow your sisters.
You son of a bitch. Well, I follow you, Kevin, and Jake follows you, too. Thanks, guys. We love being in your world, buddy. We'd love to have you in ours whenever you're ready. We'll see. Okay. Kevin, when are you getting married? In a month. Wow. Jake, are you going? I haven't been invited. Jeez, that's going to be awkward when it's just us. It's a big table, huh? Did you get the invite? Yeah. I'm speaking at the thing, bro. You fucking snake.
No, he didn't invite me. Gareth's DJing. Yeah, I'm DJing. I'm catering. If you went back to your waiting days. You know what? You used to cater, right? No, not waiting. You would have been a great, we would have been great cater brothers. I would have murdered it. What if Gareth and I catered it together? Come on. Kevin's doing the laugh where he tries to think of how to answer. You know what? Let's stop wasting people's time. Let's get to the goddamn callers without further ado.
Hello? All right, here we go. And we are rolling. How are you? Good, thank you. Sorry about that. That's okay. We're definitely going to blame you for whatever technical issues. I got to say, we know it wasn't you, my guy. It is. We're going to put it on you. We're in a new studio. Yeah, we're in a new studio. Gareth is in a new vest. Listen, it's the old vest. What is your name? First of all, welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. What is your name, age, roughly where you're calling from? And then we'll get into it.
Sure thing. My name's Connor. I'm 24, and I am in Florida right now. What part of Florida? Southwest Florida, Northport. Beautiful. Can you imagine being 24 again, Jake? Yeah, I feel it. My vibe is 24. Your vibe is mannequin in a Ross dress for less. All right, Connor. Unfortunately, Jake... You look like an action figure. Jake is...
murdering me over what would just be considered a lovely outfit. No, I look good. Someone has to step up the fashion on the show. I have to raise my hand. Look at you. What year are those new balances from? Be honest. How many characters have you played that wore those shoes? Seven. Can I raise my hand? Yes. Jake Johnson. We're here to help press. Connor. He just started dressing up for the cameras because we're on YouTube. I've always been Connor. I always Jake Connor. Don't listen to Jake. This is what Jake does. Well,
what has happened a lot of words i've always i've always cheeks are getting red i've always heard in the outfit always you have earthy tones always i've always been a fashion icon and i'm just continuing that so connor what is the problem i have the problem uh go ahead connor what's your problem your problem is is your face is too red for your earthy outfit connor go ahead whenever you're ready what can we do to help you buddy okay
So my problem is I recently got an internship down here in Florida. So I needed to find some quick housing and I found a nice cheap one. It was Airbnb, but it's one of those ones where you share it with other renters. So like I have a room, but we share a common area. So you're just renting a room? Like a dorm almost. I'm renting a room on Airbnb. I didn't realize Airbnb did that.
They're doing everything. I don't know. They're fancy these days. So rather than going through, okay. So you're renting a room through Airbnb. You got an internship. You're in a room. Okay. You're back. So my roommates, they're very nice people. They are senior citizens. They each have their different ways of life. That's incredible. This is great. Quick question about your group. Uh,
How many people? How old? What are the range? And I'm going to tell you why, because I'm going to steal it. I'm going to sell it. I swear to God. This is a TV show. In my head. In my head. I was like, keep this in the back pocket. So eventually, Connor, we might use this. And guess what? You'll get a chunk of change to baby boy. I wouldn't go. That's all I'm asking for.
Define lawyer, please define chunks. A shred. Yeah. Eighth dollars is a chunk. A morsel. So Connor, what are your roommate situations? One, I'll give you their Roger and Cindy. They're both in their sixties. I love this. And are they a couple? Yeah. They're both in there. Are they together? No, they're not. Okay. Oh, all individuals. You got Rod. You got Cindy. We have each individual room. Respect. Okay. Okay.
Okay, so anyway, in our room there. Oh, it's the three of you. You got Roger, you got Cindy, you got Connor. I can't. I'm very excited for the problem, is my mind. But by the way, if there's no problem, this is just a setup. I'm into talking about it. We're here to help just discuss before the next call. What's going on with Roger and Cindy? This is our side podcast. We're here to gossip. Oh, my God. We're here to gab about Roger and Cindy. Really quick, Connor. Is there any vibage between Roger and Cindy? Come on.
I'm going to tell you what. Cindy stays to herself. She keeps to herself. I've seen her twice in my time I've been here. What's Cindy's kind of story? What does she do for work? Do you know? Cindy, she's visiting some family down here. Respect. And she's from the Midwest, so she has a Midwest accent. Love Cindy. But she just usually keeps to herself.
And she stays in her room for a month. And I got a feeling Roger's the dog. He's barking at everyone's business. Is that true, Connor? What's Roger doing? So Roger, yeah, he is the chatterbox of the house here. Yeah, he's the dog. He is.
He's very talkative. He likes to be out and about. So Roger is basically me and Gareth. Yeah. Won't shut up. Yeah. Just always down for a fat chew, hanging out at the kitchen island. I'll tell you what this show needs. Connor is a fucking Cindy. Narrating everything. Oh, more eggs. Oh, another vest. Another cough. Okay. We're really getting vest heavy on this. Kevin, we're going to wrap through a vest pass and editing. I agree. Take it off. Come on. You can't do that. Listen to Jake.
Wanting less layers. Classic. Classic Roger. So you've got Roger talks all the time. Cindy's quiet. Connor, what's your vibe in the house? My vibe is I come in and Roger's there. So this is where the problem is. Roger, he has started to secretly claim the common area for himself. Nightmare.
He has completely taken it over. Whether that's him, like doing laundry out there in the common room where it's not near his room. He might be watching TikTok full volume, taking phone calls on speaker while we're out there. Roger is acting like it's his home and he's the dad. Oh,
Oh, absolutely. So dad doesn't wear a shirt in his goddamn living room. No, I, oh man. I get this. Okay. So, okay. So in the common room, we have the laundry. Do we have a TV? Not the laundry, his laundry. He's just holding it. There is not a TV in this common room. Okay. So he's blasting his phone. Yeah, he's blasting his phone. Kitchen is in the common area, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, the common area. We got the kitchen, all that stuff. Yeah. He's right there.
He's claimed the couch for himself. So this is good stuff. So Roger's pissed on that area. He's the dog. Okay. So Roger's in the center. Your vibe, which I like how you describe yourself, is you're just coming home and Roger's claiming the center. Hey, that was work. Yeah. Is that similar to what's happening? I bought some hummus and carrots if you want to have any of those with me, Connor. It's funny you guys said he's the dog because he's got this little 14-year-old dog as well.
that loves to just yap around. I'm pretty sure that dog's leaked a little bit here and there. I think Roger has too. What's the dog's name? The dog's name is Millie. It's one of those tiny white ones. I got to say, one second, one second. I added a dog named Millie. I got a little connection. You've broken through Jake's concrete heart. You probably met Millie because it was in the Rowena apartment. Oh, yeah. That little beagle. Yep.
Look at us. Okay, so keep going, Connor. Walk us through. So wonderful setup. I'm liking everything about this. I wish there were little cameras hidden around your apartment so I could just watch. This would be my favorite show. This would be my favorite show. So what's the problem? I'm trying to win the common room back because Roger, he is being a chatterbox. I'll go in there and he's in the common room whenever I arrive, whenever I leave. He's always there. So I've tried to wait him out before.
You can't wait out an old-time guy. There's one thing you're not going to beat a 60-year-old man, Connor. Connor, I'm going to tell you this as a 45-year-old man, and you're a 24-year-old, you get more stubborn every five years. And more desperate for interaction. Like, a lot of this is probably coming from Roger really wanting to hang out with you. Interesting.
I wouldn't see that. Do you feel like he's pining for your friendship a little bit, Connor? Or is he just a lunatic hanging out? He's just claiming space. You don't know. No, I felt you guys might say this. Because I do. I have felt that at times he can be looking for... We're just chatting. Cindy, she keeps to herself. So he doesn't have a Cindy to talk to. And so it's him and I.
But he's also started doing this pet peeve lately. And this is mostly why I had to call in because I needed to change something. And that is whenever we're in talks and conversing, he'll start pointing. And what I mean by that is he points and then he asks you a question about what he just said.
So whether he's in the middle of a conversation, this is what I know who showed up. And then he points at me asking me to guess who showed up. Yeah. So this is more, I don't know who showed up. Yeah. He's kind of mad. He wants you to mad lib with him basically. Yeah. You fill it with a point, but he also wants to make sure that you're listening, that you're staying focused, that you're paying attention to him. And I'm going to tell you why, because it's his space.
So as what happens to men, in my opinion, and possibly women, but I will just say men for sure is as we get older, everything becomes World War One.
And that is, there's a line in the sand and you go, I'd rather die of 10 infections than move one inch backwards. Yeah, right. I'd rather rats eat me out from every hole in my body than give you motherfuckers one inch. And that's what's happened. Right. He said he and Cindy are fine. And he goes, who the fuck is this brat?
And this Bratz coming in my space. I'm going to tell you a story, Connor. Hey, Connor, what's my name right now? Pointing at you. My name is Jake. You got to say it faster. You see what he just did there? I rogered you. I took control. I dominated you. Yeah. So he's dominating you, Connor. Connor, I got my first pitch. Am I too early to pitch? Do you have more info?
No, that's basically the whole gist of it. So you want to stop. He wants to take over the space. You want to take the space back and Roger has the pointing oddity. Okay, go ahead. He has a stronghold, yeah. Yeah, well, it's World War I and right now he's got the territory you want.
So my pitch is going to be called, you got to Roger, Roger. Okay. Okay. So you've got to Roger, Roger. What I mean by that is you're in the space earlier than him. You're telling stories, pointing at him. You do an impression of Roger to Roger. Where he likes to be on the couch, you get there first. You're doing your laundry.
So Roger has to deal with Roger. So guess what? You can't win in a war if they're fighting exactly the same as you. And that might make him go like, holy fire with fire. Roger with Roger. Roger with Roger.
I like that a lot. I think that's I I I my fear. Yes. Would be that Roger is going to. I mean, like it. Yes. And that you will find now that you're like, Jesus Christ, Roger has like sucked you into. Yes. His world. Guess what? Connor might like it. You might. Let me ask you this, Connor. What's up?
What do you like? Do you like your room? Because I got to be honest, I definitely like what Cindy's approach. Cindy's picked up on Roger. Cindy's like, Roger's out of his mind. I want no part in this. I'm going to make my room the common space for me. And I'm going to just sit in here. Cindy's normal. You know who Connor is?
Roger Jr. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And I say that with love. I say that with love, Connor. That's a diagnosis more than a point. Connor, I say that with love because guess what? I'm Roger Jr. You have Roger Jr. What?
And we all become Rodgers. And so is Gareth. Remember when you go to the gym, there's always an old guy who's hanging out there and he wants to talk or on the plane sometimes there's a guy or at the bar there's always a guy who's there and you're not trying to have a conversation but you look into eye contact and you're like, Jesus, that guy's looking at me and he's like, I was from Michigan. Well, I think our Rodgers are different, Gareth.
OK, I think your Roger is looking for human connection. And I think my Roger is drawing arbitrary lines in the sand and defending them. What, Connor, what is what is your gut? Do you you feel like it's more like the Jake thing where he's kind of just trying to dominate a space? Yes, he's trying to be the alpha. Or is he looking for or is there a little sadness under that? Yeah. Where are we at? And then we can go forward.
At first I would fell for that. I thought it was a little bit of sadness, but now I firmly believe it is about marking territory and that he is trying to wait me. So I'm going to just make a claim on this call. And this is now more to my friend, Gareth. You're projected my King.
There is a sadness. Let's step away from it. Title. But title for a different call. That's when you call in. But this is great. But this is not this call. OK, let me ask you this. Does he drink? Good question. No. Do you drink? Yes.
24 year old in Southwest Florida. When you say, I mean, like, you mean like, like Jaeger or like a hundred million beers? Like, I don't like drink right now. Do you like to party? Yes. Not you. Do you, Connor? Yes, he does. I would start. Listen, I mean, like party, like right now, I think there's cocaine right now. I'll do a bump. I think there is some leverage here to maybe if you make the common space a little bit. Also, do you have friends out there?
They know they're all coming down eventually, but not. OK, I would start adding a little bit of party to the mix in the common room. But we also don't want to fuck up Cindy.
But Cindy's weak. No, but Cindy matters. She's collateral to me. You got to shoot the hostage. Sorry, Cindy. You're in the bedroom. You're hanging out like a weird cat. You got your litter box in there. Yeah, I have a feeling she's pissing in jars. I think it's OK. You're projecting. I've pissed in a lot of jars. I think maybe you bring a bottle of 151 out there one night and you start bringing the hammer down a little bit. I feel like that's going to maybe that might counteract or throw some sand on the Roger Henry.
Okay. So the, another thing you could do here, Connor is smoke them out. And I don't mean with actual smoke. It's just the idea of making the common space less comfortable. So you figure out what Roger likes about that common space and you take it away.
So one of the things, if he likes sitting there listening to his TikTok, well, you're in the kitchen listening to your phone even louder. So like if I go to a restaurant by myself, which I like to do, and some fucking asshole has their phone without headphones and they're watching their. It's insane. I hate it. Insane. But what I now do, and I'll tell you a real story that just happened the other day. I was with Eric Edelstein. OK. We were walking down by the Arroyo having a pleasant time.
Quiet, nice kind of rainy day. Just loving it. Some fucking asshole on the hike behind us has his music playing on a speaker.
So I hear this guy from 300 feet behind me. So Eric goes, brother, let's be mature. Well, I chose not to. I chose to smoke them out. And you know what I did? I turned my phone volume as loud as it can get. So when he was near us, we were in a world of chaos. And what I was saying is like, hey, asshole, we can all ruin a common space. In this society, we have the auditory privacy is absolutely.
Absolutely. Headphones are the best. We all have. Absolutely. So what I like that a lot. What I would do is there's a version of you smoke him out. So one is, you know, Roger to Roger and you imitate him. Smoke him out means you're in there while he's in there. If he's talking to you, you're playing music. You're playing whatever you want to listen to. You're on the phone with a friend talking at full volume. Oh, FaceTiming with someone full volume is good. Yes. Full engagement in another world. You could feign obliviousness very well.
And so and then you've got the shoot the hostage and that is turn the center into a party. When you're hearing these ideas of the idea of party, I've got two more. Go. OK, what about working out? Do you work out?
Yeah. Now you do it in the common room. I remember you used to do this, the P90. Yes, I used to do the P90X. And let me tell you, nothing alienates others. Neighbors, there can be walls. If you do that in the common area, that's going to make him feel very, very strange. But then I also have the Hail Mary. And this is where I'm talking about some ally forces. I think you go to Cindy.
And you let Cindy know that Roger has moved his troops way too far into this area. And you are worried about annexation. I'm getting too deep into it. And now you and Cindy want to have dinner in the common space. Try to make Roger feel like the third wheel a little bit and see if that'll put the gopher back in the hole. Okay.
OK, so so you go to Sydney and you go, look, I understand you like your privacy. I like my privacy. I feel like Roger's gotten way too comfortable. I think for a little bit, if you and I can do a couple things out there, I'll buy us some noodles. We sit out there. We hang out. We have a gab. I think that'll make Roger feel like the third wheel and maybe he'll go home. So obviously that has a big win, big danger zone.
I can see it from Cindy's point of view. You might have to start sleeping with Cindy, but I think for me, that's worth it. It's a different show. It doesn't go to NBC, but we could still sell it. Yeah, of course. So, Connor, you got Roger to Roger, where you essentially do an impression of Roger to Roger nonstop. When he's doing laundry, you're doing laundry. When he's telling a story, you're telling a story. When he's watching TikTok, you're watching TikTok, to the point of he goes like,
This fucking kid's driving me nuts. Yes. And he's driving me so nuts. The only way to get away from him is go to my room. Yeah. The other one is smoke them out with noises. Face timing music. You're in his space while he is third. Shoot the hostage.
You literally bring a bottle of booze, party your fucking ass off. You're going through a dark time. And he's got to feel that. And bad news at work. And guess what? Get a decanter. Yep. Cindy's going to pay the price too for that one. Yep. But you are now exploding the dynamic of the apartment to get him and Cindy out and start over. Four is the workout.
You just start doing your sweaty, gross workouts in the common space. Be the grunty guy. Be the grunty guy. Yes. Two more, Connor. Yes. And you're in shorts and t-shirts and you're laying on a yoga mat on the floor and he hates it. Five is connect with Cindy and turn him into the third wheel. Connor.
Back to you, our 24-year-old friend who is still wet behind the ears, starting life. What are you going to do, young man? You gave me a lot of good options there, fellas. I'm not going to lie to you. Why do I feel like he's a judge? You both present pretty good arguments.
I'm leaning towards smoke them out. I feel that sets a tone. It gives you like a little bit of fire, fire, fire versus fire. And I'm not putting Cindy in the middle of harm's way. Right. I respect this. I do too. Yeah. So you're going for an old smoke them out, but you're being sensitive to Cindy as you smoke them out. If she's not in the house, things get weird. If she is, you walk away.
I think that's right. If it escalates, I think I go with the Hail Mary option and I try to team up with Cindy. Interesting. Dinner. You want to get to know her. But I think that's right. So you're starting, smoke them out, and if it goes sideways, you're having a great talk with Cindy and saying, the reason I'm doing this is because of this. Do you want to team up? And if she says no, you leave. Yep.
Yeah. And then you cut ties. Airbnb has a lot of different places. Yes. I can see. Cindy has dropped little hints here and there in the two times I've seen her that Roger is not her type of guy. I think you got that play if you need it for sure. That's good to know. Hold on to that because in World War I, the way to win is you got to get more countries as allies. Yes. Yes. But the first thing you do...
Is you run right for that line. You try to knock them on their goddamn ass and get them fucking backtrack and move the line into their territory. I think that's I think it's good. I think both. I think they work in conjunction well, too. You know, I do, too. And Connor, when you say you like to party, what's a party for you? What are you drinking? Walk us through a little bit of that evening really fast before we get out of here. No, it's a lame type of party. I'll tell you that. Well, let's hear what it is. What does that mean?
What's that? It's just like go out on a weekend, have a few, one, two, three, something like that. Just a few beers. And what kind of beers we drinking? One, two, three, a couple of shots. One, two, three.
Shots ever? Yeah, I'm not. Um, whatever. Probably like Coronas. Coronas. Maybe a shot or two or no? One, two, three. Tequila? Uh, not as many shots. You make eye contact with a guy across the bar who's got a stuffed parrot on his shoulder and he holds one nostril shut and gives you a wink. Do you meet him in the bathroom or one, two, three or no? Okay.
One, two, three, no, I don't think. Connor, you see a guy at the bar. He's wearing a vest. He looks like he's a mannequin from Ross Dress for Less. Thanks for the call, Connor. Do you walk up or do you run? Yeah, hug him. Bye, Connor. Bye, Connor. Bye, guys. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
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Hello. Hello. Caller, are you there? Yes, I am. Well, God bless you. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, and we're excited to help. Can we get your name, your age, where you're calling from, and then we'll get into solving this crisis.
Absolutely. My name is Jamie. I'm 37, and I'm calling from Phoenix. Nice. You know, I just was in Phoenix. I'm a big Arizona guy. I'm not, but congratulations to you guys on liking it. Grand Canyon. Well done, Jake. It's like hanging out with a map. Ha ha ha ha ha!
It's embarrassing because I was bragging. Jamie, go ahead. So my issue is I recently moved in with my boyfriend and everything's going great, except for one thing. He never farts. Oh, he's a never farter.
He's a never farter. I got something to reveal to you about science. He does. Yeah. Just doesn't do it in front of you. You know, I'll get into this after. Okay. So that's an okay. Keep going. Where are you at, Jamie? Because of that, I never fart. I'm, you know, trying to be polite and be like, well, if he doesn't do it, I shouldn't do it. And now that we're living together, it's like, oh, can we just start farting around each other? So I'm
Yeah, I need your help. How do I break the ice so I can break wind? Oh, this is interesting. This is a good one. Yeah, so it's less of our opinion of what is right and wrong, Garf, because we are on Jamie's side. So what Jamie, what you want... But we're allowed to express our personal opinions a little bit. So Jamie, you want to start opening up the world of farting in front of your boyfriend. Yeah, like, I don't need to be a 20-year-old
frat boy, but just casually let it. That's what I was going to ask. Are you a gassy individual? No. I wouldn't think so. What's his boyfriend's name, just so we can put a name to the face? This anti-farter. It's Judge. Judge is his name? Perfect.
Yep. If that's a real thing, this is perfect. Of course he's, yeah, of course he's, of course he's like got an opinion about farts. He's a judge. And so you want to know how to be able to fart in front of judge so that you can break the dam. And this could not be a thing where your old frat buddies on the couch, but if you got to cut it, you're not doing the pull my finger stuff. Yeah. And what are you doing now? If you have to fart, you just go in the other room. I'll tell you. I, I, let me answer that question for you, Jamie. You are sitting there. Uh,
With in pain and the pain is starting to get worse. And as you're sitting there, you're going, oh, God, I won't judge his fart. And you're just sitting there, you're holding it in. And every now and then you give a little test fart and you let out a little to see, is it OK? And you're like, oh, it's not OK. And then you're going to the bathroom. You're sitting down on the toilet and you're farting there.
Is this accurate, Jamie? You got it. Is this what you're going through currently in your life, Garrett? No, no. I'm just... That was wildly detailed. I am a scientist.
So I'm just doing the science part. Steve Berg, a friend of show, used to refer to this as Shacker's Gas, which is even better with a lisp because it's Shacker's Gas, where he would be when he met his wife, he would go to his wife's house and he would be hanging out there. And Steve is a frat boy. So when he would be sitting there and he would be holding in this gas and
and he would get to his car and then he talked about the big reveal when he'd sit in his car and just let it rip for 15 minutes. There's a great commercial from I think the 90s or 2000s where somebody finishes a date, says goodbye. Megan Mullally is in this. And then blows a huge fart and like the other couples in the back seat. Oh, I thought of this. I was thinking of a different one. So Jamie, question for you.
How's the romance between you and Judge? You guys got a nice thing cooking? It is. How long have you been together? Six years. Oh, wow. And so you guys are living, when did you start living together? Just recently, in the last two months. Okay, and in the last two months of living together, has the sex life gotten better or worse? The same. The same. Okay. Have you ever farted in front of him? Yeah, little, little. He's heard it? He's heard it here and there.
Yeah. Jamie, let me ask you a question here. This is a Columbo voice, just so you know. Mixed with my dad. It's Colum Croco. I'm not great at voices that aren't my dad. Here's my question for you. Why do you want this?
Want what, Croco? You got a wonderful thing with Joe. But also, what's comfortable is you guys have this nice dynamic. It's working. Jake?
You remind me all the time. We're on her side. We've got to solve her problem. But as her friend in the bar, I'm saying here's cause let me pitch you a road, Jamie. Let me, can I pitch you a road? Sure. Might be wrong, but I'm just pitching. Okay. You're sitting with him. What show do you like to watch? What's the show you guys are into right now? Whatever it is, turn it up real loud. Oh,
Young Sheldon. Me too. I'm fucking watching it. Wallace Shawn having a nervous breakdown. What a turn. I'm watching it. My kids like it. So you're watching Young Sheldon on Netflix. It's doing huge numbers. It's making suits look like a fucking dog shit show on PBS.
You're watching young Sheldon. The family's being funny. You're getting some laughs. You're feeling a little gassy. Judge has his arm loosely around you. You're wearing kind of like a sweat outfit. The vibe is good. There's a 30% chance this night's going to end with some romance. You ate maybe a little fettuccine Alfredo and something's not feeling perfect, but not
terrible you're not gonna like yeah you know you're not gonna ruin the night but you're like oh there's a little pain so what you could do is walk to the other room and get rid of that disgusting gas or what you're saying is is in the middle of you know young sheldon saying something about science and uh space you want to lift up your leg in front of judge and just go she's not lifting the leg up let's be if it's big enough so you go i don't think a gnarly smell hits the air judge goes
That's disgusting. It makes me want to barf. And you go in 45 minutes. You want to see where that came from? Yeah. Less so, less so. Here's the problem with what Jake's saying is it's not wrong. No, it's a, and I think, I, I think like, again, each couple comes to their terms and agreements in some way. Uh,
But yeah, like the idea of romance is to trick one another with this endorphin rush that we are not animals. But also that you're talking about a relation. They're living together. So we're on the path to it's is it sustainable for her to always go in like Jamie? Is it sustainable to always have an other area where you guys and look, if it sneaks out, it sneaks out. Or is this for you? Is this a deal breaker?
Not a deal breaker, but it would just be nice not to have to worry about it. So here's where we're at. We're going to get you. How do you do it? Garth, what's your way of how she can fart in front of judge to break the ice and make this not taboo? OK, I got it. I honestly think you might just want to do a conversation with him and just say, I've never heard you fart. Do you fart?
Yeah. Ask him that. See what he says. Cause then you're going to kind of get his philosophy behind this. How does he feel about it? I think that's better than let's throw him into the deep end of this. I got it. I'm going to pitch that. Okay. I love, I'm very excited for Jake's pitch, but I think that maybe you can get behind it a little bit because he's
Yeah, I, like, I don't disagree with what Jake's saying. It's kind of like this, you come to these, like, some couples, there's this whole thing online now, have you seen this? This fucking, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Called Guess My Fart. No.
No. Okay. It's where people... It's horrible. It's where people will guess what a fart will sound like, and then they fart, and then you see if it's like that. It's horrible. So... Cut that. I knew he was going to say cut that. Because all of a sudden, I haven't eaten anything today. I felt like I was going to barf. So, Jay... No, just let it out. No. Oh, okay. No, no, no.
The perfect example. You know, if somebody has like a, got a barf, should I just have a bucket in front of my loved one? It is a good point. Agreed. The line, where is the line? You're not going to like crap in the living room. Or you go like, she's in the shower and you go like, I'm having explosive diarrhea. Leave it open. Why? Because tonight we're getting a hotel room, but right now I'm spraying mess. Let me ask you this. Gross. In private. Title. Title.
Let me ask you this. Please. As far as like going number two, do you find that less gross than farting? See, to me, I find that weird. I'm like, okay, I'm like, go do that. We've got a room for it. Yeah, but no, I mean, but what if you were in the room? I would not allow it. Agreed. So you wouldn't be like brushing your teeth after sex and she's like, hey, and you're like, and she's like, we got to take a dump. And you go like this, girl, just do it.
Yeah. Because it's gross. Yes. So, but you're okay to go like, we're watching Young Sheldon having laughs and she goes, you didn't want to see the meal. How's an appetizer? Because I'll tell you what you're smelling is what's about to be in the toilet. Yeah. I do. I think because there's a room. That's why I'm like, all right, go in there. We got a room. So if you're rich enough, build a fart room. Well, listen, you got that new girl money. You got a fart room? Right.
uh we didn't do great with i love the idea with the construction guy like dad we're gonna obviously this is the closet where you want to have all your suits this is the far you know he would go like this uh okay so you're talking about something off the living room that's four by four four by four yeah my wife and i are looking to have a room you want to you want to skylight at the top but you can press a button and it opens to the air yeah just a way to kind of get new air circulating in here as you go what are you going to put in here a little stove
Uh, no, but there will be heat. Uh, it's not like that. So here's the other pitch. You can have a conversation. I think that works. The other move is this. You tell him one night you want to do something where you do a living room camping. You set up a tiny key person tent and you say, I read some article that's really cute about couples when they live together, they should stay in a tent overnight.
All night. And the only time they leave is a bathroom emergency. But the other one has to go with them as if they're in a danger zone. All the lights are off. No electricity. No technology. And he goes like, all right. And you go, but it'll be a lot of fun. We can like have alcohol in there or weed, whatever you guys do. And he's like, fun. And what you cook is things that create gas.
So what you're doing and you're not eating it, but you're putting his body into a pressure situation. So he goes, you know, honey, I got to get out. And you go, why judge? And he goes, I just need to take a walk. And you go, what's going on? And make him say, I have a stomachache. I have to fart and go, I would like you to do it in front of me so that he's the first with just disgusting, sick farts. And you go,
I'm good with this. Let's not make it a regular thing. But if one of us has to, it's never going to be as bad as this. I like parts of this. So that's an option. We've got that. Here's what I would maybe do.
I like the idea of teeing him up to have bad gas. So we just kind of get our cards out on the table. So I think, yeah, you cook a lentils. You have a lentils and chili night, whatever you want to do. And maybe you watch what you're eating. There's also you can take like an anti gas pill or something like that. You take that. And so you're just leaving him with gas. This motherfucker pop.
Then you're watching a little young Sheldon. You got your head on his stomach. And as your head's on his stomach, you're definitely moving around a little. If you're hearing the tummy bubbles, you just tee him up so that he has to either fart or get off the pot. Yes. Jamie, is this...
Are we anywhere near something you would consider? Yeah, I would consider that. I could cook something that makes him explode. And maybe take a gas thing before, and then when you're watching TV and he goes in the other room, you need to do something really weird and you need to follow him.
And then if he goes to the bathroom, start a conversation and have him go, just give me a second, hon. And you go, no, I'll just stand out here. And when he sits down, he goes, just give me a little space. And you go, well, I just want to keep telling you about the young Sheldon because they're thinking of moving to Oklahoma for the dad's job of getting, becoming a football coach. But, and he goes, I just need a second. Keep talking until he finally goes like, and then you go, whoa, judge, sorry about those lentils. And he goes, I don't like this, Jamie.
And you go, oh my God, you're cutting out what I said earlier, but this is staying. Admit it. There's two sets of rules. It's unfair to you. I like one more pitch. One more pitch is to look. Judge is a human. He's going number two. We know that. Yeah. Some point when you feel like he's gone number two, walk in there and just give a smell comment.
See if that kind of gives a little, like loosens up what his holdup is. Ask him if he comes back in the living room, say like light a match because it's following you out. Yeah. Oh yeah. Just say after he's gone for a while, say I got to go pee and then go in there and come out and be like, I had to hold my breath for a while. That's not bad. Cause then you could say like, what did you eat killer? And give them the idea that I know these smells are within you that are disgusting. So here's where we're at. We got three pitches for you, Jamie. Straight up conversation starter.
Uh, which is just, you're talking about it and saying, where are you at with the idea of farting in front of each other to cook him foods that are going to make him pop and you cheat and do a pill before, and then don't let them out of your sight. And if he says, I'm taking a run, put your fucking newbies on and run with him. He is not escaping until he pops. And when I, your infrareds. Yeah. And then you do love one of those like, Whoa, that was a big one. Three,
after he goes to the bathroom, do an exaggerated, yeah, open a window. On the night where you poison him with the lentils, I also would pitch maybe we do a sit-up contest at some point before Young Sheldon. So where are you at with this advice? Is any of this real to you? Would you actually do it? Let's get back to planet Earth.
Yeah, I, you know, I like number two. I want to hear it. I want to make sure he's human. Okay, so then we would love to get updates the night, if you don't mind. We could get you in touch with Caitlin. Can we send Caitlin over to your house to sort of monitor the situation? But what we're going to do on this one, if you don't mind, the night that you do it,
Could you reach out to the show a little bit and tell us what you're cooking? Yes. And give us a live up-to-date of how it's going. Yes. So that we can be part of this because this is almost like the birth of a new relationship. Yes. And so like on the New Year's Eve when the ball drops, it's a big moment. Yes. When...
judge's ball drops. Interesting. It's a new year. Yes. Yep. I think, I think it's right. It's a rebirth in the sense that we're fitting something out of a canal that wasn't looking to come out. Well, it was looking at just not in front of her. Correct. So Jamie, are you, you're going to actually do this? Yeah, I'm going to do it. Jamie, good luck to you and the judge. Thank you. Heart goes out to judge. He's going to have a rough night. Yeah. Nice relief. Yep. That's right. Thank you. Thank you.
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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 42 called Dress for the Guy You Want to Be with Boban that was on January 8th and it is the second call. So if you'd like a quick refresher, make sure to check that out and enjoy the follow-up. Hello. Hello there. This is Luke. Luke. So Luke, this is a follow-up, but we don't know...
Which follow-up it is, only Kevin does and neither does our audience. Can you walk us through what your first call was? Sure. Just a little while ago, my first call was on the matter of the Rubik's Cube. Oh, yes. Hey, Lukey, what's your time, baby? Yeah. Well, I have gotten, you know, I've hit that goal. You did? Yeah. What was the goal? It was like 19 seconds? Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was less than 20 seconds. Watch this, boys. Wait, we got a video. Hold on, Luke. Do you have a problem that you could use a hand with? Why not call Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds on We're Here to Help. It's an advice podcast where the advice is free and it feels free, too. I needed a hand with my cube here. Did they help? Sure. As far as you know, you should listen. That's We're Here to Help. That is absolutely crazy. Luke.
That's awesome. And Gareth is wrong. You do that in a bar. It's cool. Gareth, admit it now that you've seen it. Floor is yours, Garth. Luke, listen, I'll be honest. A guy like me doesn't have much. I got a few puns and maybe I could sling a joke here or there. What Jake's saying is true. You would best me in any singles bar situation without question. Luke, that's cool. You do voices. Yeah.
I think, Luke, don't try to help. It's actually hurting, to be quite honest. So, Luke, walk us through where you're at. You got the time. Where are you at? The question was about the community and where you could do it, correct? What was your exact question? That's right. That's right. So I was saying, what do I do with this now? How fast do I want to get? Now I'm thinking maybe the approach shouldn't be
How fast can I get? Because it's kind of plain and kind of boring. Here I can do it while promoting your podcast. Maybe there's some other weird thing I can do while solving a Rubik's Cube that would be more interesting. I think that is exactly right. Can we steal what you said as advice we're giving you? Yes. Jake, why don't you just say it?
So here's what I would recommend, Luke. I would really rather rather than keep pushing your time because 19 is a great time. I would start a cameo and I would do cameos to people while solving the Rubik's Cube. The Rubik's Cameo. Wait, you know, we could also do what if we Luke, you want to do an ad for our show while doing a Rubik's Cube? Is that going to help us, Kevin?
Well, that's kind of what was happening with that video clip. Well, we're talking about a sponsor. Literally like rocket money. We might bring like hero bread on board. Squarespace is perfect. The ads need to be a certain length, and I think he would have to do a couple of Rubik's cubes. Wait, can we do something? Do you have video capability right now? Is this you in the waiting room as well, Luke?
It is just in case I joined a second, second connection. So why don't we do this as an idea? So this Kevin, I don't think we need to cut this out. This will be in the followup as is. Yeah. And then we'll, we can also do the ad at a later time. So Luke, I got a question for you.
Do you want to, as a fun thing, we will start an ad and in the middle, I'll say, we don't have much more time in this ad, maybe under 20 seconds. Luke, do you mind coming in and solving a Rubik's cube as we finish this ad? And then you just do the cube. We'll say hi to you really fast. And then you do the cube as we're doing it. And you could feel free to talk to while you're doing it. And when you're done, we end the ad. That sounds awesome. What would my cut be?
All right, have a good day, Luke. Thanks for calling in, buddy. I'm just joking. Pro bono, it's fine. Wait, no, here's what your cut's going to be. What's created a cameo for you right now? I really haven't considered a cameo. Do you want to do that? Of course he does. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. I think it's worth trying. How about Here to Help? No, how about Rubik's Luke?
Rubik's Luke. Rubik's Luke. How do you like that? It all sounds wonderful. You tell us, Lukey, because are you going to do camera? Because then what we're going to do in the ad is we're going to push it to you. And, you know, be a really funny follow up if you're like, I made eight thousand dollars. Yeah, because then we talk cuts. Then we're talking cuts. But what do you think of Rubik's Luke? Sure. If it's available, then I would go for it. I'm going to say it's available.
So here's what we're going to do, Rubik's Luke. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to start an ad. Let's get you on video with us. Oh, there's all those beautiful faces. I love it. Hey, there he is. Hey, Rubik's Luke from Cameo. Yeah. Hey, it's Rubik's Luke. I just need to mute. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin. I think you did it. Okay, great. All right, Luke. Here we go.
Or, you know, we could also do we could see how many times you wait after you solve it. Do you have to resolve it? You got to mix it up. I got to rescramble. Yeah. How long does it take to rescramble? Another couple of seconds. Do you want to see how many times you can solve it in an ad? That sounds doable. Is that a more fun game? Yeah, I think that's maybe better. OK, so let's then us and complete silence at the end of an ad. Yeah. Hey, you got it.
So this will just be how we talk. You'll have to take our word for it. And then Kevin in post, can we just make sure John, every time he solves it, put a one over his thing and a two? And actually, why don't we do this? Luke, why don't you let us know when you solve it? Yeah, say one, two, three. So just go, that's one. Solve. Yeah. Yes. All right. Do we want Gil doing this ad? No, let's do it as Gil. All right, here we go. All right, ready? Yeah. All right, you started, Jake.
Today's episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace, Jake. And today we actually have Luke helping us. He's doing the Rubik's Cube during the ad. We're going to see how many times he can solve it. You mean Luke from Cameo. Rubik's Luke. R-U-B-I-X Luke. Rubik's Luke. That's right. And Luke, I and you, Jake, are huge fans of Squarespace. Now look.
We know what Squarespace is. We talk about it all the time. We love Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. My website is through Squarespace. The whole time I've had a website. As I like to say, Gareth, Squarespace is so easy. It's like...
Luke doing the Rubik's Cube. Yes, and he should be done with one by now, I would imagine. We're way over 19 seconds, Luke. Luke, how's it going over there? That's one. Sorry, it's a bit of a performer's anxiety here. Listen, we've all been there. I remember prom. Now, whether you're just starting out or you're managing growing a brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, easy way to engage with your audience, sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place.
They have great design features like Fluid Engine, which is a next generation website design system. Custom merch, easily sell your custom merch. It's very easy to start a website. It might not be 19 seconds like it is for Rubik's Luke to solve the Rubik's Cube or maybe a little bit more during this ad. Well, I like to say it's as easy as solving a Rubik's Cube if you're Rubik's Luke.
You can also make an online store. So look, there's tons of stuff you can do. Squarespace is fantastic. So do us a favor. I'm going to bring Gil in for this. You get one, Luke?
No, I slipped slight slip. So let's keep going. We're on one and a half. Which is not something you're going to do while you're creating your own website. Oh, that's absolutely right, Jake. Hand the baton to a professional. Listen, 48 years of broadcasting and it shows. Head to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase or website design.
Head to www.squarespace.com. Who are you, Rubik's Luke? Stop it now. All right, here we go, everybody. Three, two, one. Listen, Luke is only down one, but that's okay.
Where are you at, Luke? Is that two? There was another slip right at the end. Same with Gilly. Come on now. I only had one slip. Three, two, one. Back to Gil. Ones and twos. Head to www.squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10%. 10% off your first purchase of a website design using the code gil sent me. That's squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10%. Luke, where are you at?
Another like 10 seconds. Maybe I'll have one. Give him the 10. All right, so one more time. That's www.squarespace.com. And don't forget that slash. Slash Gil sent me. And if you want a cameo that's longer than 19 seconds, go to Rubik's Luke. He will suck. Two. Thank you much, everybody. Yay!
Way to go, Luke. Thanks, Luke. Luke, you're the best. Luke, that is crazy impressive. You're the best. Listen, I know you just had performance anxiety. Don't be mad. You did what Jake and I couldn't do in two years. Yeah, don't be mad. And here's the thing, Luke. We'll have you on for more ads. The listeners can view your growth. But now, Luke, now, remember you were saying, what do I do with this skill set?
Now we have a game. Can you solve it twice in a minute with the pressure? Yeah.
Yeah. Now you've got a game. Enough practice, enough takes, and I can get it down like I did in that clip. Yes. But I think on the spot like that, it was a little trickier. So, but Luke, remember you were asking, what do I do with this wild skill set? Do I take it to bars? And we didn't have an answer. The game is now, how do you put yourself in pressure situations to try to do it? Because we're going to bring you back on now.
Yeah. So now if you're in, if you wanted a skill set, the skill set is going to be doing this on one take fast. Cause in cameo, we want you doing it. We don't want you doing 10 takes the game of it's going to be, how can you do this as fast as possible while the bright lights are on Luke? This was day one of a new mission.
I love it. I'll be a little less caffeinated next time. I love it. That's your adjustment. Luke, thank you very much for the call. We appreciate it. And let's honestly email us, email Kevin when you want round two. Whenever you're ready, we'll have you on. Sounds fun. Love it. Thanks, buddy.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.