60: Craggily Hand with D’Arcy Carden
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America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. We're back. We're back. We got a fun one today. You like today. I like Darcy Carden a lot. Darcy Carden is awesome. I didn't know her at all. We made a movie during the pandemic called Ride the Eagle. Great movie. Trent O'Donnell, the director of it, had worked with her on The Good Place. Apart from being a great actor, she's maybe the best vibe in Hollywood. Yeah.

She's great. She's great on the show. She is. She just has a great energy. She was very welcoming. She's very so good and cool and talented and likable. Yep. She's got a new podcast called Wiki hole. I just wanted to double confirm with Kevin. I said, you know me with names.

The notebook came out. So Darcy, because of the name. Yeah, you want to be safe. Sad, but true. Yeah, you want to be safe. I want to be safe. Of course. So Darcy got mad at me because Darcy's name is D apostrophe Arcy. Yeah, yeah. And then she's got a funny story that she just chose to do that when she was 10. Oh, wow. So I, because of D Brickashaw Ferguson. Yep, NFL. Would only call her D.

D-R-C carded it. And finally she said, like, listen, asshole, just say D-R-C. Were you doing it on purpose or you were doing very delicately? I was doing it because of the way my brain works. I would go like, hey, D-R-C, what's going on? But it happened so many times she had to finally say, like. Is it too late for me to apostrophesize? Am I allowed to do that? Yeah, G-A-R-I-T-H. Ooh, please be G-A-R-I-T-H. The game hasn't been working as G-A-R-I-T-H too well, so I feel like I could. G-A-R-I-T-H is hilarious. Yeah, G-A-R-I-T-H. G-A-R-I-T-H.

It's kind of good. Kind of good. It's not great. But she's great on the show. She's so fun. She's helpful. Follow her. Yes. Yeah, we love her. But yeah, it's a great episode and we

We thank everybody for listening and go to the YouTube and subscribe. What do they say? Smash the subscribe. You know what? Or do it however you want. Yeah, we're cool. Because we've been asking you to do this and asking you to do that. You know what I had a thought, Garth? Why don't you ask us to do... Oh, go ahead. Well, they do. They call in. Yeah, why don't... Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so you guys all... I think it's a fair... Oh, yeah, you're right. I think it's a fair relationship. Okay, yeah, sorry. I'm getting late. I think it's a fair relationship. He did, obviously. But I want to say thank you for everyone for listening and...

That's it. Listen however the fuck you want. There you go. Jake's drunk. Enjoy the show. Oh, you know what we might do? All right. Well, should we tease it?

Are we supposed to tease it yet? We've just been texting it. We don't have to say where we might do it. Okay, but we are talking about doing a live episode after hours where we have a couple of cocktails. Yeah, after help. I think that'd be fun. I agree. I think that's a must. I could see that getting... I could see the person on the call being like, are you guys okay? Yeah, I'm done. You forgot about the problem a lot. I'm waiting for the call where the person hangs up out of just simply enough's enough.

You've truly wasted my time. I can't wait for the person to fully bail. Same. Bye. Without further ado. Hi. Hi, how are you? Great. I'm glad you guys are having me on. We're glad you're on. What's your name?

Mandy. Mandy. And how old are you, Mandy? I am 37 or 38. I think I'm 38. I've been there. So we'll say 38. And where are you calling from? Ohio. Ohio. And what's your favorite band? Oh, do they have to be alive? No, of course not. We're not asking you to say alive. What's your favorite alive band? I'd say the Velvet Underground.

Ooh, Mandy's cool. Favorite living thing. You know, keep going, Jake. Okay, so you're on with Garf and I, as always. And then today. Today. You might know her from The Good Place. Uh-oh, it's not Kristen Bell.

You might know her from A League of Their Own. Not Abby Jacobson. And you probably don't know her from my little movie that we made together during the pandemic, but I sure know her from it, and I know her to be a true star. Miss Darcy! This is the best intro Jake's done.

Hi, Mandy. I know you're in that movie, too. Good movie. Did you see my dick? Yeah, you better. I dressed as a League of Their Own for Halloween. You did? Yeah. My girl. But was it from the show or the movie? Well, it's from the movie because it was weird. Yeah, that hurts. That hurts my dick. But Mandy, did you watch the show? Yeah.

I started. And she didn't. She started it. Mandy, we're going to get to your problem in a minute, but I'm just going to tell you a little bit about Fragile Hollywood. She started it. When someone asks if you've seen it, the answer is yes. And when someone asks if you liked it, you say yes. Hey, Mandy, did you see the show? Oh, I loved it. It's...

There you go, doll. And last but not least, Mandy, what was your favorite part of Ride the Eagle? Yeah, what was specifically your favorite scene or line from Ride the Eagle? What did you like about it, though, Mandy? Probably just the way the ending really gets you.

It actually does. Mandy, you get it, girl. What's your question? I'm going to set you guys up with a little bit of the backstory about this person who my problem involves. My question will come at the end. Okay. I've known this woman for about 20 years, just like kind of ran in the same circles. Anyway, I follow her on Instagram. She's really into social media. I used to do blogging full time, so I'm kind of like in that game.

But anyway, so she's been posting a lot of food content and her food photography is getting like really good. And my profession is photographer and like I'm a professional photo stylist in the commercial photo industry. So when her photography started getting like really good, I became suspicious. Like there is no way that the person who took this photo is not a professional food stylist.

So quick reverse Google image search. Aha! I'm right! She's a fucking liar. I'm like, okay, what? But then I look and see since 2019 she's been posting food photography that was not hers. So I'm like,

Deep, deep down a rabbit hole of looking up all these photos and then seeing my own comments from like two years ago. Like, wow, girl, you've really outdone yourself. This is amazing. You feel like a fool. What phone? Exactly. I feel like a fool. So she has said that she is starting a cookbook this year. Okay. And that tipped me over the edge. Yeah. All right. So whose photos are you using? Like whose recipes are you using? Right, right, right.

So this is fascinating. Here's my main question. Okay. Okay. So I'm not trying to be a jerk and I have issues with confrontation, but like, I don't think she should be running around a self-proclaimed social media guru. If this is her character and like her clients should know, but now I'm not trying to cancel her or like publicly flog her or anything, but I do feel like it's gotten to the point where I'm,

fantasizing about all the ways I would publicly out her and that's really not what I'm trying to do but I think she needs to stop well how would you do it Mandy?

That's what you guys are supposed to tell me. No, Mandy. You don't say to somebody, I've been fantasizing all day about you and they know what you've been thinking. You go first. No, you let out with the word fantasy. Mandy, so what are some fantasies that you want to do? Oh, so I do see her out in public and I've never said a negative thing to her.

or like let on anything. And it's like, she kind of acts cold towards me. So I'm like, does she know that? Like, I know. So recently I started commenting like a little bit more, um, like screen recorded, she screen recorded a video of someone else's video that I had already seen.

And she didn't. So I was like, what the hell? Like, this is a popular video. Like, I don't understand where she thinks this is going. So I commented, oh, yeah, I saw this video, too. And I was like, I would have done that tip toeing in because I feel like if I do say I want to just say, did you take that photo? Like, point blank. Did you take that photo? Did you write this recipe? So I need to quote the great Biff Whiff. Mm hmm.

and say who cares and here's why this is so dad but here's what here's why it's a private account to her friends and family she's got two g two thousand people following her her friends you know if you said she's got 600 000 people and she's stealing from these restaurants she's just a geek dude yeah she's an insecure geek who's posted to her friends and families and they're all going like you're actually i'm glad you went to chef school you didn't waste your life she's sad

I think... Give her a heart emoji. Move on. Mute her. This is... That is such dad advice. And the hard thing, Mandy, because you and I are the same, because I would feel the same way. I'd get obsessed about it and not be able to... I would. Privately. Okay. But not do anything about it. But the real truth is, who cares? It really is. It's full on who cares. But what you actually have to do, and this might make you feel a little bit good...

You got to unfollow her because you're only your only acquaintances. She's actually treating you kind of shitty in person, which makes me want to fucking murder her.

She adds nothing to your life. If anything, she's kind of turning you into this person that you are not, which is like an obsessive, like, hater. That's true. So I think you have to, it might feel a little, like, intense, but I think Unfollow her. Or just do the fucking mute. Or mute her. No, I think Unfollow is a little nastier. Ooh, it is nasty. It's a little nastier. Garf, you got something, and I know it's crazy stuff. It ain't sane. Yeah.

We might need it because Mandy might want it. I'm a who care. Darcy's an unfollow. I think we're all going to agree on this. Do not hit this head on. Right. I would not confront her. I mean, this person is disturbed and I've had disturbed people in my world and I've

You want to Homer Simpson into the bushes for this one. Okay? You don't want to see her at the market and go, oh, hey, nice chicken, fucking liar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that is all right. Stay away from it. But you do have the itch. And you want to scratch it. So how does she do it? So there's a couple ways you could scratch it. The first...

is make a fake profile. But it's private. She'll still take her. She wants a following. Ooh, I like this. She wants a following. You get into the hen house and then you start wolfing it up a little bit. I saw this before. This is a different recipe. Wait, what are you doing? Are you just taking other people's shit and reposting it? Kind of put the fear in God of her a little bit. The problem with that one is, to what you guys are saying, she can just very simply block you, move on from that. But it might rattle her a little bit. Unless you create 10 fake profiles. She wasn't always private.

Yes. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Let me tell you, these fucking people who are emboldened and enabled by social media, they do not want to get caught. Right. That is the top tier thing. The other thing you could do is, as we saw in some of the screenshots you sent us, they are legit recipe websites and shit like that. Right. What you could do is you could make a fake email.

from one of these places and say, someone sent us this. You are taking things that are ours and you're using them. Cease and desist. Cease and desist. And you could step it up in that way. She has sent someone a cease and desist letter for her business before. So that would be great. Mandy, this is also another like maybe scratch the itch is like,

go to the original recipes, the pictures and the recipes that she's taking from and post them on your stories or whatever, especially if you guys share a lot of followers and just be like, oh, I made this last night. It was so good with like a picture of the original picture. Oh, yeah. Kind of be like, I got my eye on you.

Yeah. She sees it. So she sees it. And maybe even your your mutual followers or friends or whatever. See it. You this world is so gross. No. All this is all that. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Nice. No, no. You're saying get out. Don't even worry about. I'm saying follow. But we are right now. Yeah. Don't go nice. But I am like the only reason you're thinking about it is because you're looking at it. You get out of there. Your brain will settle down.

This ain't you, baby. This ain't you, Mandy. To borrow the expression, she's living rent-free in your head. Yes, to borrow. Oh, for sure. Mandy? I stole it. I know. That's from a recipe website. They use it. Mandy? I made it my own. Here's where we're at a little bit here, friend.

You could always do as dubbed the dad advice. Who cares? You know, that's what I would. That's what I would probably do. You could do the unfollow. And that's that's aggressive. You could do the passive aggressive version of that and mute. I live in the mute world. Right. You could create, which I think might be right. A fake profile that you're like a foodie. Yeah. And then.

Turn on her. Then in the comments go like, oh my God, girl, your photo was featured in the restaurant's menu. Your photos are featured in every restaurant I've fucking seen. Hold on. That's actually a great way to do it if you want to go that way. Pretend that you think her shit is getting borrowed from these big places. But you could do that as you. No, I would do it as a fake profile. But how about this? As Mandy, go like this. Oh my God.

- Oh my God, girl. - Bon Appetit stole your fucking picture. - I would do that under a fake. - Bon Appetit is using your artwork. - Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. - Congratulations. - The only thing is if you do create like a fake account, play it through to the end and make sure that you are so fucking secure that she won't figure out that it is you 'cause that will feel so bad. - But if you do a fake account, I have to give you advice.

don't meet another person fall in love with them and never facetime with them and then have neve and cammy from catfish show up at your door a year and a half later and you go jake it started from something else i didn't mean for it to get this far but all my feelings for you cory are true the only difference is is i'm not that jake has watched a tremendous amount of catfish that's the reason we're doing this it really is yes but so then you've got the fake profile

Right? You got a fake email from the restaurant with a cease and desist. Yeah. Bold, but cool. And then it's fire with fire where you start taking photos from the restaurant, posting it on your social media and saying like, had the best popcorn shrimp of my life at this place. So now, Mandy, we got to go to you here. What you feeling, girl? What you feel? Well, I feel like I like to, but if I'm going to send...

The two that I'm leaning towards would be the email with the cease and desist from the original creator. But then also I like the whole like posting the recipe on my Instagram and saying, wow, I made these just like only. But you got these two you got to do. But I can't do both because if I do both. Mandy, what do you like? Mandy, what do you like more? This is the finale. Only one rose can be handed out. I think I got to do the post it on my story.

Because I want to get under her skin and know that she knows. Remember when you were saying this isn't you? Yeah. This is her. It might be. Mandy. Yeah. It's going to feel so good when you... It's going to feel so damn good, girl. Absolutely. This is... This is good stuff. If you like the move, fucking go with it. I want to see her in public now and just look deep into her eyes.

Blow up your world, Mandy. Blow up your world. You guys are turning into fully that person. No, you are. You're that person. You're that person. You are.

You are that person, Mandy. Own it. You're using us. Yeah. We love you, Mandy. You've got this. Mandy, you're going to play her sport. And I got to tell you, when it comes to this woman, she's in a league of her own. Watch it. Watch it on Amazon Prime. The whole thing. Watch till the end. You're going to want to watch till the end. You're in a good place here. Ride the Eagle. And Barry. And Barry. And Barry. And Barry. Thank you, Mandy. Good luck. Let us know.

Hey there. We're here to help the podcast now as a Patreon. You can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod where we're going to have unreleased calls. Unreleased calls, ad free. Ad free. Episodes. Other special features. Bunch of extras. So if you like the show, you want more of the show, go to patreon.com slash here to help pod.

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Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's HELP at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hello. Hello. How are you? What the hell? Australian. Where are you from? New Zealand.

Australia. Australia. Like a dear friend of ours. That's right. A bald friend. Trent O'Donnell's bald? Who are you thinking of? I know, I'm thinking of Trent. I'm just kidding. Oh.

Oh, and we know Trent listens. You murdered him. He's not really bald. Trent is bald in a wig. Everybody knows it. Everybody in town knows. Oh my God. Trent O'Donnell, the director, one of the EPs on Ghosts. Big Hollywood guy. Huge. Yeah. Fucking bald.

And spray paints his hair. And I just want to say how much I love Trent. And I just am ready to, if he's casting anything. I don't only do this. Go ahead, Jamie. So you don't think he's bald? No, I think he's actually perfect. I have not heard. Was the bald? That was one of our old bits. What you call him bald? Well, there's been so many. Trent's the king of mean jokes. Yeah.

But always nice to you on our text. Very nice. Me and I were always mean to each other and always nice to you. So we have a special guest today. You obviously have me and Garf, but you have from The Good Place, from League of Their Own, but I know her from a little indie that we made during the pandemic, Ride the Eagle. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Darcy Cole.

Thanks for having me, boys. Thank you, Darcy. Who I always want to call D-R-C. And she goes, you're an idiot. Because it started in truth, not as a bit. I like that. Jake, the other day on the show...

It was an amazing moment. He was about to say my name and he looked at the poster, which says our names, and he read my name and he said it, Gareth. I said Gareth. And he goes, I've known you for 20 years. I had to say, Jake, that was bad. That's too much. But it was. Yeah. Well, because the way my brain works is once I have an image and I've always had D apostrophe. Yes.

Yeah. So you'd be like, it's Darcy. And I go, you got it. And then I'll go like this. Yeah, I know DRC. You've got to cool. DRC. So back to you. First of all, thank you for coming, Darcy. Thank you for having me. And Australia, thank you for calling on what I imagine is the middle of the night. It's Saturday. It's actually June there now, isn't it?

I don't know how you guys hear. Happy holidays. Whatever holiday you're in. Can we get your name, please? I'll go by Jess. Jess. Very Aussie. You say Jess or Jeff? Jess. Oh, Jess. Okay. We'll stop making, we'll stop, we'll stop doing the accent. I actually will not stop. I would love it if we stopped. I wouldn't, I can't. You want to do it. No, I don't. Do it. Repeating bits. Do it. Do it.

How you doing, Jess? All the way from Ireland. No, Australia. That's where I know DRC from. You're our good friend. What is happening? Jess, how old are you? I'm 34. I actually wanted my partner to be on the podcast and we'll call him Nick. And he's 48. Do the math. So there's

14 years between us. We've been together 12 years and we like to keep things pretty fresh and exciting. So we keep it fresh 12 years in. One way to keep it fresh is say hell yeah during it. Hey, do you want to do that? Hell yeah. Can I try that? Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Okay, so you like to keep it fresh. You've been together for 12 years. There's a 14-year age difference. You guys got together. I'm just a math guy. You were 22. He was 36. Jesus, good job. Beautiful mind over here. Russell Crowe. Jake's in a mind palace of numbers right now. 48, 32, 36, 48. All even numbers, so easy, but honestly good. Okay.

Darcy, you gotta give him the win. You have felt like every special ed tutor I've always had. This is really three years below your grade level, but also good. But also, the capital of Montana is Billings. Another mic drop from a 32-year-old man.

In a class with eighth graders. In a class with eighth graders. And I dominated you little dorks. And you didn't dominate them. You got a B minus. Pretty normal. Yeah. You are right at eighth grade grade level. Spinning a globe and going, America. Because I ruled in school. All right, buddy. All right. Okay. Jess. Also, I think we'll get to this. Yeah. But the Jess and the Nick. The Jess and the Nick of it all. Are we new girl fans? Yes. These are fake names. Right, Jess?

Yes. So you did just you looking to have a three way and put a Schmidt in the mix. Yeah. Hell yeah. But my husband wants a Winston. Yeah. But I want to longs number. Yeah. But again, slinger in the middle of that sandwich. OK, Justin Long is as funny as it gets. He really is. Have you worked with Justin? Yes, I have. Holy shit. Is he funny? He's amazing. Has he been on the podcast? No. What's he doing? I'm going to reach out today. Yeah. Yeah.

His, what he did on fucking new girl. Yeah. Broke new girl. He, he was so good on that show. I love, I love Justin. His fucking bits are killer. Yeah. Okay. Jess, come on. What is our problem here? You guys want to keep, we can talk about bits forever, but we're talking about. You're really letting everyone lose focus. 12 years in. You are in charge, Jess. You're the leader of this team. We're 14 years in, 12 years into this relationship and you like to keep it fresh. Tell us all about it. Hell yeah. Action.

Yes. So Nick decided to get on some dating apps, like Swingers app. Anyway, so...

One of the apps tells you who's in the local area. Okay. Fun stuff. And to our surprise, my sister. Oh, no. He's found my sister and her husband on the app. Okay. And he's seen pictures he can't unsee. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Describe the pictures. You're on a pause cast.

Describe the pictures, Jess. He tried to make me look at them. Yeah, don't, don't, that's not cool. Misery loves company. Yeah. They're at least, they're at least in bra and underwear. They're at least in like underwear. We don't know. We don't know. Jess, what did he see? What did he see, Jess? No, it's further than that, but there's no faces. So I had to look at one with her craggly hand. Pardon? Just to verify that it was her. She has a craggly hand? Yeah. Her old like, like,

like a hand with something in it, but I won't go into that. On the swinger thing, she put a photo of his dick? Holding a

Is it his dick or like a device? Yeah. His dick. Okay. Yeah, so his dick, her craggly hand. What makes her hand craggly? Yeah. You're turning me on. You don't know Jake's weird little fetish. I'll give you $350 if you use that craggly hand on my dick. Hey, don't lotion it for a month and then come over. Your hand's beautiful. Could it get any more craggly? You have any liver spots? 500 for liver spots. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And winner. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Old hands with really long nails. Okay, craggly hands, old hands, long nails, huge pink dick. So like a witch. Wait, did you say huge pink dick? I'm reading between the lines. That's DRC, that's not Darcy. Darcy is like the sweet five. Huge pink dick. The person you always want on set is as good as it gets. DRC, how big was that pink dick?

How big is that pink dick? Tell us about that pink dick. And make sure it's big. Okay, so you saw your brother-in-law's potentially large pink cock in your sister's witch hand. I just looked at the hand. Okay. But he wanted me to verify it.

Nick wanted me to verify that it was her. Also, this is really not a new girl. The names are off. That is a Fox pretty sweet show. You can't go. And then he wanted Nick to double team Jess and Cece. You're like, Jesus, this is like, by the way, there's fan fiction. I'm sure. And by the way, there's fan fiction of The Good Place. And if you ever go down that road, it is very fun. Yeah.

Is it really? Oh, yeah, yeah. We used to read it to each other when we were doing too much press. Because it would be like, Schmidt with his tight pants and his big... You'd be like, oh, my Lord. Oh, my God. It goes deep. Okay, Jess, you're in charge. Okay. Then I verified it with her hand. The problem we have now is that... I don't know if they know we're on the same site, but...

I don't want to run into him. For sure. Oh, at a swinger party, right. Nick does. He liked that big old pink dick and those craggle hands. No, no, no. Sorry, I'm back to... Tuesdays at 9 a.m. after the Mindy Project and before Glee. Craggle hands. Old hands. I want to ignore that we saw it, but he wanted to bring it up to the

the brother-in-law just so we don't see them just like to go out. If we, in case see them at an event or something, I'm going to cut to, I'm going to cut to the meat of this one now. So what is the, I'm going to open up the meat wings of this one and try to get inside the truth of this. Stop now. What is the official question? I want to ignore it, but I,

Nick wants to let the brother-in-law know that we know so we don't end up running into him at an event or private party. But I want to know if he does bring it up, how does he bring it up without being awkward? Darcy, the floor is yours. Okay, I have a thought, which is,

You're actually in an okay situation because you're both in the same situation. So there's no judgment. There's no judgment to be made. There's no way they can judge you guys. The only, the only bad thing you would be doing is putting the image of, you know, your craggly hand and Nick stick and your sister's mind. Yeah. But that is, but other than that, yeah, I know. I know, but that's, I guess that's just part of being an adult. I don't know. It's hard, but I think if you got, if, if,

Nick talks to brother-in-law in a very cool way, in a non-sexy way. You're him. I'm the brother-in-law. How would you do it? Okay.

And we're Australian? Sure. No, that's so much harder. Let's just do regular. Okay, let's just do regular. Not regular, sorry. Okay, sorry. Jake Johnson, canceled. Australia, not regular, says fat guy from New Girl. Hate it. Hey! Don't say fat guy from New Girl. Don't say that guy. Don't say the guy from New Girl. One of them. Fat guy from New Girl. I'm double canceled. Hey, Ross. Yeah, what's going on?

Rachel? No, no, I'm Nick. You know me. Oh, yes. Yeah. Nice. Hey, Chandler. Yeah, all the tropes. Okay. What's going on? So we have a bit of a situation over at the house. You can tell me anything. Okay. I hope this isn't uncomfortable. You can tell me anything. And I hope this doesn't feel too awkward. Forget about it. Relax, Ross. But Jess and I are, you know, you know us, 12 years deep. Yeah. Trying to keep it fun. Us too. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I guess even saying, oh yeah, I'm kind of being false because we got on this new app and we were thinking about maybe opening up the relationship a little bit. Let's swap. Oh no. Oh. I want, I'll give you craggle hands. You give me craggle feet. Okay. Ross. Pull it back, Ross. I've been wanting, I wanted to be fucking yours. You've always been wanting that? Yeah. We've been together for over a decade. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. That's what this is? I want her bad. Ross. Ross.

You finish. Gross. What kind? On crackling. Regular. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I think, Jess, what you've seen there is your husband and brother-in-law are just maybe going to bang you. And I think that's great. So here's, I'm kind of, I kind of know where Darcy was going with that. And that is keep it honest and keep it clean and just come up because how could they judge? Here's a question I have for you, Jess. Hi.

Okay. So what? You guys see each other. It's not like you go to a swingers club and you see each other and everybody there goes like, oh my God, we saw each other. Now we have to suck each other's genitals. You still can make a choice. Oh, yeah. Oh, good Lord. Are you fucking kidding? Am I out of line? Out of line. There is no, I would not.

be banging in the same house as my brother let alone you're not wrong actually oh i'm watching his feet navigate a tarp while i'm about to go hog deep into some stranger no yeah yeah i got an alternative pitch i like that honesty is a great approach honestly and there is this chance too that they know that you're right into this they might have seen your fucking maybe they were inspired by the

Potentially. And look, it's great that your husband's seeing your brother-in-law's dick. We can all celebrate that. Agreed. These apps, at least like Tinder and like when I used to go on the road and use Tinder and shit, you can set your location to a future spot. So like if I and I'm just going to peel back the curtain of being a creep. If I was like going to go do a show in Phoenix, you might get a little head start a week before. I'd be like, hey, let's see what this one. I'm not carpet.

bombing that night. You know what I mean? Just like, yes. What's carpet bombing? That's where I'm just saying yes. But what does that mean? It could be. Well, Roy Wood Jr. and I used to call it that because we'd go on the road before he's not a single man anymore. But you'd have no time. Right. So you'd go on Tinder and you would carpet bomb.

bomb. You'd say yes. Maybe. Yeah. Right. Right. I understand anything. And you don't have time to go. I mean, I like that she has a cottage. Right. I really what you know what I mean? You got time is fucking money. You got like two and a half hours to get some hell. Yeah. Hell yeah. But you can change your location.

So I would like set it somewhere and then I'd be like, oh, I have a week to maybe like talk to someone if I want to invite him to a show. So why not if you wanted to invite him to a show? So you'd invite him to a show and then bang after? I mean, I don't want to. I don't want. No, no, no. I'm way more confident having to come to a show that be like, let's go out and I can just talk to you in a regular environment. They're in like, oh, my God, I'm in Wichita. Yeah, I'm in Wichita. They're like, this is amazing.

He contacted me. And I'll also say, the show's not going to be bad. Okay, no, no, no. We know, we know. So we're all having a laugh, but the show's not an option. Of course, of course. And I'm yelling, and we're all yelling. And everybody here is yelling. And everybody here is yelling. So, hey, garethreynolds.com, you can see him live. Is that a bad show? And maybe he's going to try to fuck everybody there. The show won't be bad.

With you guys both yelling, I have to tell you, I'm a listener of the podcast, and sometimes I picture both of your voices as two halves of one whole. You guys have the opposite voices. They make one full circle. You know what my mom thinks? What? It's too wild, and it used to be better, and now she falls asleep while listening. Oh, my God. It's already over? It's always been over from the beginning. She was really in the first few, because she goes, you know, it reminds me of car talk.

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah, that's kind of, and she's like, I like that because you're in there. And then she goes,

You guys just won't shut up. Too much. She got too wild. Mama, give it another try. Maybe not this episode. Okay. Okay. So why not say, like, where are you in Australia? I think you can say that. Melbourne. Yeah, Melbourne. Okay, great. Melbourne. So you can set it to somewhere outside of Melbourne. If you were in Perth, you'd be pretty screwed. But then how are they going to fuck? So then you get a match. I don't think you can. Yeah, you can. Oh, you can on your swinger app?

You think it's low? On this one, I think it tracks you. It tracks you? Well, you were going to keep going. This whole thing is like set it for... My plan got shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, what do you got there, sir? Jess, is there a block feature? I bet there is. I bet you can... No, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't... Oh, because it's all about the parties. It's about bumping into each other. All right, here's what I think you got to do. I got another idea. What is it? How about this? Anytime you guys are planning to go to some event...

The day of, you text her and say, hey, do you guys want to get some drinks later? Yes, yes. And if she says she can't and the reason seems weird, you pull the plug on the floor. You stop. Or do you have kids? You could ask her to babysit. Oh, that's good too. I can't. I'm going to a swingers club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got something for you. Okay. I got something for you, Jess. And I'm sorry that I got to be the fucking voice of reason. It's okay. Here we go. But I'm not doing this dance around BS with you. Okay. Okay?

Here's what you do. All right. There's one answer here, and it's the goddamn right one. Oh, God. Easy. What's your sister's fake name? Jake. Rachel? Let's call her Rachel. Oh, let's call her Rachel. Rachel and Ross. And let's call her husband Ross. Yeah. You go, Rachel, Ross, me and Nick need to talk to you. You sit down. You say, we need to talk.

We saw your big pink dick and your craggle. I mean it. I mean it. I mean it. Remember when you said you were right? I know I'm right. Hold on. Okay. Jess, hear me out. It was like an hour ago. Hear me out. Because I've been vamping as I think of the answer. But now I got it. But now I got it. Always lead out with confidence. But then you say this. Remember that I've seen your big old pink dick. Hell yeah. And your craggle hands. But here's the point that I'm trying to make to you. Get there. We're on the same goddamn app. You and us. Okay? And

And now we got to this town is too big for two sheriffs. So we now have to have a real conversation where you spray. We don't lay. Yes. The term is awful. Where you spray. We don't lay. And where we spray.

You don't lay. So therefore, we make a spray calendar. Thank you for the call. This one's done. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. All right, Jess. Listen. That's really good. Right? Yeah. Where you spray, we don't lay. And it all is about

the honesty and it's about the honesty and it's about let's discuss this yeah and then if fucking ross is a creep and goes like or maybe we can spray actually get out of here we're done we're done or yeah who the fuck knows no i agree you weren't agreeing you were pitching the weird thing and you got i thought i was talking to drc and the comedian who used to tour with ronnie wood no no no i'm talking to darcy and gary yep we're my name did not deserve that treatment

Obviously. It's adorable. Okay. Jess, I think the point here is if you're going to do it, I think Darcy's pitch is right. Have Nick go in. That was my pitch too. Talk to Russ. Yeah, but then you just got all weird with a craggle hand. Where you spray, we don't lay. You liked it so much before he started talking. No, she didn't. We made eye contact. I did like it. I know.

I think they should get a tattoo of it. Me too. They should get inner. I'm going to get it on my lower back. Jess, what do you like? Take over. The floor is yours. Get us out of here. I had a couple of drinks. I think I'd go with your one. Wow. Good. And now you. And that would be fun. Yeah. So let's do this now for a second. Now you are going to talk to Darcy.

As your sister. Okay, so I'm Rachel? Yes. Okay. And Jess? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yes, you can do it. Sorry. South African? Are we supposed to let that go or can we talk about the bloodbath that you're clearly involved in? Let's not get lost in the weeds. I think you took us to the weeds and then said let's get out of here. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

Jess, you're talking to your sister right now? Just here. Just us. Not in real life. The guys aren't here. Jake, I know you don't like the add-on, but do you want to be the husbands and we go get a beer together real quick? Yes, but we've already left. We're not here to see. But you don't want to see that just to kind of... So we're gone drinking a beer. Okay.

Jess, it's so good to see you. I'm glad you guys came over. The boys went to get a beer, I guess. Oh, hey, sis. What? I have no idea. No, what? I can't talk to you. I know, it's weird. I feel like something's going on between us. So, let's do a little Australian. Okay, okay. I know. Oh, shit. Great. I know. Great. I feel like...

You go. You go. You got it. You got it. Actually, you talk. Well, here's the thing, you know. I saw the craggly hands on a site and...

I love Australians. I don't really want to be seen in the same venue as you. No. Oh. Oh. You're the best. If you know what I mean. I do. I do. I can't remember. Commit. I do. I do. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're about to be replaced by Gareth. No, no, no. Take over. Take over. No. I'm back. I'm back. Get out of here. I'm just getting pissed. So we're both on the same site and you saw my craggly hands and I don't want to see your craggly hands. So what if.

Where we spray, we don't lay. Yes!

So Jess, we're going to close this one up and here's the closing. We think you're close. We think you got it. We think you got to talk to your sister. And I think you should say, the reality is we saw the site. We're on the same thing. All good. Let's schedule this out. Let's create a spray calendar. Yeah. Sorry to keep going, but I think you can keep it. I know. I know. I think you can keep it like, like really, really non-sexual. You can be like, I know this is weird, but we're both on this thing. Like,

ha ha ha let's not ever talk about it again but let's have this spray schedule alright so Jess our final advice is have the guys do it have a talk without you ladies and then move on but it sounds like a lot of fun and we hope you guys have a lot of fun down there in Melbourne listen if you're at a spray party and you see Trent O'Donnell's bald head just spray right on the top yeah get in there he'll love it so Trent will love it he'll be going like this spray on

on my head what is he even he's an australian weirdo is a jack yeah okay just have fun with this and you know stay safe and and remember you know like you and nick are all right jess okay bye

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 40 called Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco. It's the first call on that episode and it came out January 1st this year. So if you'd like to check that out as a quick refresher before this follow-up,

Go for it. Enjoy the follow-up. Hello? Hi, you are on a follow-up, but Gareth and I do not know who this is. So can you give us your name and remind us of your call?

Yes, this is Anna. I am the tourist whose parents still kiss them on the mat. Oh, yes. So we talked to you right before the holidays, I believe. You did. You did. And I think our suggestion was take photos of it and make it a book. Was that correct?

Yeah. You've got a great memory. Yes. Shocking. Thanks, Anna. The floor is yours, Anna. What's happening? We are very interested. And I got to say, Garth. Yeah. The follow-ups are becoming my favorite part of the show. They're great. Should we just put a finer point on what this first call was very quickly? Yes. Yes. Yes. So, so essentially, uh,

You had the issue where your mother and I believe your stepfather were were big mouth. They gave they gave mouth kisses and it was your stepfather would give you a mouth kiss to not her brothers and not your brothers. And it was about to be the holidays. And we were recommending I mean, I guess we gave a as always a litany of options.

But yes, we'd sort of landed on the best thing was that this was sweet. Maybe we embrace the oddity of it. You're not going to have them forever. And you're not going to have them forever. So we turn it into some sort of like decoupaged book where you're able to share this experience. And now, Gareth, I'm excited. I got to give it to Anna. The floor is yours, Anna. Please start catching us up. The best part was after my family, not my parents, but my brothers listened to it, I got a text from my brother's wife that said,

they do it to me too. So I guess they kiss my sister-in-law. Wow, that's even crazier.

Okay. That's crazy. All the women getting kissed. I know. And we failed to get pictures. Honestly, I kind of felt like I was emailing too much and I didn't want to like send more pictures because I did send a photo that already existed from my wedding of my stepfather kissing me on the mouth. Yeah. Is it cool if I share that on the pod, Anna? Sure. Yeah. I'm showing everyone right now.

Oh, my Lord. Oh, that's a kiss. Oh, my Lord. Is that Jake? Anna, that's a kiss. Oh, my Lord. That is... That's the cover of the book, for sure. That is a... I mean, it looks like the groom just isn't wearing a tuxedo. Jake, let's... And again, I mean this, and I just want to give the audience, in case they can't see this, a description of what we're seeing. He's wearing a nice little hat, and...

It's definitely a straight up lip kiss. It looks locked. He's also got his left arm around. So it looks like you're in a wedding dress. The problem is that he's got the left arm on the back of your head, which indicates that there is a little bit of entrapment. Wait, is it on the back of my head? What's on the back of your neck?

Oh, I didn't even notice that. Yeah, so he's definitely got a backup plan for if you pull away. Yeah, right? I mean, he just, he drops that elbow in the center of the neck. She's not going anywhere. Yeah, she's like, it's like a quarter Nelson. And then just lastly, as a guy who's been watching a lot of romantic comedies with my 10-year-old daughter, that is a beautiful dress, Anna. Yes. Nice work. Oh my God, thank you. That was the highlight.

I mean, I think the marriage. I didn't know that you could rent heaven for a wedding angel. But they always say when a woman puts on a dress, she said this one was made for me. And I got to say that one was made for you. Oh, my gosh. I have full. And let me just ask if it hurt when they removed your way by search. I'll stop. OK, go ahead. Go ahead. You're doing great, though. You don't have it. You don't have a thought on the. I have that gear. You don't have to talk. No, I know. But I have.

I have a little bit of another follow up. I don't know if it's breaking the fourth wall, though. Please break it. Well, we actually my husband and I do comedy and we had Gareth on one of our shows recently. Wow. At the Venice. And he absolutely crushed. He was amazing. So if anyone out there is listening to this and they're like, oh, he's coming to my town. Should I go? Go. It is worth it.

so funny. Thank you again for doing the show. Yes, I didn't even realize it was you. That's crazy. Walk us through what that is, Garth. I did her show, and I do not, yeah, I did not make the connection that this was who you were, which is wild. Now I'm making that connection. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Well, now I have to say, though, a good alt title for this show is You Don't Have to Talk, Gareth. Yeah.

Any bit, even if you don't have anything, you just hear Gareth go like, there's a bit, I'm in it, I'm in it, I'm in it. I'm working on it.

So he's a very funny man. So Anna, you're the follow-up to where we're at now is he, you found out the, your stepdad is also kissing your sister-in-law's. And so where are we at now? What are you doing? What's the latest?

Oh, it's like while we were home, we all were like huddled in the corner talking about it. How do we get these pictures done? Like we as a family are all in. It's made such a fun bit for us that will last for years, you know, because I don't go home very often. So every time I go home, we're going to try our hardest. We tried to get some this time, but it was a little too difficult. But we're going to figure out a perfect way.

It's a tough moment to catch. Here's why it's a tough moment to catch, because if anything, you might need to hold it longer to catch it. And then we're entering a dangerous zone. Yeah, I think that's correct. Well, if he's holding the back of my neck, I guess I didn't even realize that it's got to be long enough. He's locked in. And last, before we go, what's a plug? Where can people find you so that they can see your comedy as well?

Oh, that's amazing. Um, Anna Sameri, uh, just my name is my handle. Um, also if you just want to look at that video you took of the three, it's got 3 million views now of the tourist. Did you see it on an Instagram? I was like, could a girl get a tag? That was crazy. Which one was this? With, with the guest when I was talking, when you go, when he goes, um, or Franco, what is he a pug?

Well, to be fair, I don't think we anticipated that video exploding like it did. Oh, I know. That was wild. That was wild. So yeah, Anna Sameri. And then Jake, while I have you, just because I don't know if I'll ever speak to you again, I love absolutely everything you've ever done. I know this isn't a movie you wrote, but Safety Not Guaranteed is like literally top three favorite movies for me. Standing Ovation at the end damn near changed my life. Love that movie so much. And nobody talks about it as much as they should. So I just wanted to

give you your flowers for that. I appreciate that. Anna, we appreciate your call and this is a really fun call and we hope good things happen for you. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys. I'm a pretty talented producer too, but great chatting with you. You don't have to... Jake, isn't it weird when he... That was sad. It's just crazy when someone makes everything about themselves. I agree. Yuck. Disgusting. Gross. Yuck. Thanks, Anna. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.