62: I'm Milwaukin' Here! with Lisa Gilroy
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back. That's right, Jake. Here we are. Another episode. Boy, what an episode, too. We had a lot of fun doing this one. We did. We've got the great, the hilarious Lisa Gilroy. So funny. She's so funny. I first met her or not met her, but I first got interested in her because she did this Willy Wonka bit on Instagram that I thought was real.

And I thought it was so unthinkably funny. Well, you were even referencing it at some point when we were doing the show. And I had not made the connection, but I was like, I've seen it. It was so funny. Yes. You know what? She is one of these people. And now that we are veterans of this game, Garth, because we are. Wow. We're not. Are we? Yes. I don't know if you are.

not of podcasting. Oh no. Yeah. We're veterans of trying of the Hollywood grind of the grind. Yes. Uh, is that people like a Lisa Gilroy, I'm now starting to realize that like somebody will pop up and their talent will really take them to the top. And all of a sudden you'll see them and then they're in more and more stuff. And then there's in something else. And then you go like, Oh wait, they're in that thing too. And then they have a whole moment.

And it's becoming fun to watch. And it's so frustrating when you're a guy like me who's like, why did that never... What the hell? You know what we need to discuss, Garf? I'm having fun. We're having fun. I'm having a little morning whiskey. I've been doing some heroin in the room. You have a wild way of making everything about you. You know, Jake. Everything. Believe it or not, Jake, something that's come up in my relationships. Is this real? Oh, yeah.

they're like but i'm talking i try to know it's not it's the fun well it's a big good bit so they'll say like you know i'm having really bad period cramps and you'll go you think you have bad period i have or no what i'll do is i'll go i have grammar issues and they'll be like this is a dumb conversation because then you'll go you'll go honest to god i have the i have a heavier flow than you uh my flow is pretty bad i i honestly haven't gotten my i haven't got my period in over six months

You'll go, they'll go, I'm having a really bad period. You'll go, I haven't had my period in 45 years. I'll go, I've had a bad. You think you got it bad? I'm going to have a bad period too. My hormones are out of control. Yeah. So she is on a podcast with the very funny Ike Barinholtz called the Chris Chapman Do-Over.

You can find that anywhere you find podcasts. She's so funny, and she's so great on the show. I'm a huge fan of hers. Huge fan. And we're lucky to have her. And like we always say, we really appreciate all the support. The show is on YouTubes. Yes. Go watch it. This intro is on Zoom, but the call is in person. And also, we have other quick news to announce. By this time, the Kevman...

We'll be off the market. Which is bad news for anyone trying to bang him. Not true.

Not true yet. Oh, the wedding's off. The wedding's off. No, no, no. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. By the way, then I want to say a wonderful choice by your fiancee to make the decision all her friends are pushing her to make. Actually, Kevin, she called the show when you weren't working with her. We said, dear friend, you can do better. Jump the ship, my dear. And then when Kevin called, we said, lock her up.

Kev, come on. Put a ring on this one. But you are getting married, Kevin. Very soon, yep. Now, to close this the way we did it, if there's a theme, Gareth is now going to say, I'm single. You know, I actually, marriage is not something that's happened to me. But I'm available. I have a cat. Anyway.

It's sad how predictable I've become. Sadly, both of us. Besides the cat man. When you called me Robert from Shark Tank, it cut deep because of you. And same with me as Barb. You are Barbara. Anyway, we are also a podcast that has calls, which we'll get to now. So everyone, thank you for everything. And Jake, why don't you hit it? Enjoy the show. I did it wrong. That's okay. You did great. Without further ado.

Enjoy, everybody. Hello, can we get your name, please?

Hello, I'm Ben. Hey, Ben. Where are you calling from, Ben? Hey, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Go Pack. Go Pack. Benny boy! I'm from Milwaukee, Lisa, so this is a big deal for me. Milwaukee. I got this, Jake. Whereabouts Milwaukee from? Give me a little suburb. What are you talking? Southside? Well... Lake Drive? Well, I grew up in West Bend. West Bend. And now I live by West Allis. Oh, West Allis. That's nice. So you're a West guy. You don't like Easts.

We're losing the room here, Ben, but you and I, I feel like we got all of us. I think you're also losing the accent. Come on. Listen, it's a great start. Go ahead, Jake. Where did you go? Milwaukee. I'm Milwaukee. I'm Milwaukee. Nice. You are here with a special guest, Miss Lisa Gilroy. Regional accent expert. I'm Milwaukee.

Give us a little Florida. Oh, Florida. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the matter with my pizza? Give us a little New York City, girl. What's the matter with that one, huh? And now take us all the way down to Texas. What's up, Bernard?

Gotcha, Nate. Wonderful. Now, jump over the pond to Mexico. I can't do that. Ben, what's the problem? Tried to get her. There's no caller. That's Kevin on the line. This was a real gotcha moment. Hey, Ben, what's the question? What can we help you with? All right. So I got to give a little backstory first. When I was a teenager, I drank a lot of soda. Big soda guy. But I drank too much and I got a bunch of cavities. I got like

over 10 cavities one summer and then I was like no more no more soda so

I got into sparkling water instead. But, you know, it's just not the same. Until during quarantine over at Pick and Save, I found soda-flavored water, root beer, cola, and Dr. Flavor. And I was freaking obsessed. And I didn't drink anything else after that. I drank this stuff all the time and made all my friends try it.

And then I went in one time and there was a sign on the shelf saying it was discontinued. There was still some on the shelf, though. So I bought every single 12 pack. It didn't say? Okay, we'll find out in 10 years. Okay. It didn't say. So I bought every 12 pack in that store and I went to other stores and bought them and I was drinking them over the last week. So Ben, you have issues with addiction, yeah? Yeah.

Let's stay away from anything you'd ever put in your nose, my guy. Oh, my God. Just to keep you alive. So he's addicted to water. So sue him. Yeah. Driving around, getting it by the case, going like, you got any of this weird root beer water? Listen, Dr. Flavor has a PhD, Jake. Dr. Flavor is wrong. Dr. Flavor. Every woman's ex-husband.

By the way, the best vanity license plate is Dr. Flavor. Oh, what a great name for our ex-husband. So you went around and you bought out all the Dr. Flavor. I'm showing them the picture you sent. Holy fuck, yeah, you weren't kidding, huh? Okay, Ben.

And did you get more than the trunk full we're seeing? Because while it's a lot, I mean, it's, you know. Oh, so you said this was soda flavored water, but it's soda flavored sparkling water, which is soda. Fuck you. Wait, is it? Well, it's probably low sugar. Is it? What is it? It's all chemicals. Zero sugar. OK, OK. But it's it's just chemicals. What percent close would you say is Dr. Flavor trying to be Dr. Pepper?

exactly the same without sugar. How close percentage-wise does it taste to being the same? Don't say 100%. No, I haven't really had real soda or real Dr. Pepper in a long time. Suck some out of one of your cavities. Try one now. Let's see what happens. Give a little slurp. All right, Ben. I think we got the setup.

You had a bunch of cavities. You were a big soda guy. So was I. Something about the Midwest. You found Dr. Flavor, which you can basically get fake soda, which is root beer and Dr. Pepper, but for somehow they don't have sugar in it. You filled your hatchback. Yeah, they discontinued it. You bought what looks like 18 cases of it. What's the problemo? Problemo is...

Well, definitely the problem is that it's gone. And I tried a bunch of things to try to get it back. I wrote to Kroger. Oh, wow. They said it wasn't popular enough. Take it easy, man. It's just a stupid joke. Ben, you're a goofball, dude. Ben, when you wrote this letter, did you cut out magazine letters? It's just weird soda water.

I wrote to Kruger. I petitioned. I got some friends who were picketing. It's fucking root beer, man. Jake, you can never be a therapist. No, no, no. First of all, you're acting like a fucking goofball. That's why he's great for this show. Relax. Jake. So I'm thinking of leaving my wife. Well, fucking do it, you goofball. Ben, what did Kruger say in response to your ransom? Nothing. They didn't write him back. They did. What did they say, Benny? It might have been an automatic email. It said it wasn't popular enough.

That's not an automatic response. That's someone being like, whoa, we got a live one here. 100% not an automatic response. That weird drink wasn't popular enough, Ben. Also, Ben, stop writing us. Okay, so you've basically explored avenues to try to find Dr. Flavor.

It's not working. What else have you done? You wrote to Kruger? I should also tell you that there's a Facebook group for fans of this water. Come on, man. And they have petitions. Oh, my God. Really? So what are you asking? Is this question now you're going to say, how do I get a girlfriend? I'm going to say, cool it with the Dr. Flavor Goof. I was going to say, hey, homeboy, get a couple of cavities. No girl likes this stuff.

So what are your interests? She's like, well, I'm in a book club. I like this. How about you? Do you want to go find Dr. Flavor? I love Dr. Flavor. I love the Dr. Pepper one. I love the root beer one. There's some in Mackinac. We have to take a boat. Yeah. I'll tell you what's not a panty dropper. I wrote to Kroger. Kroger. You keep doing like this. While he's in a nightmare. Freddy Kroger. Yeah. Scary as bad guy. Freddy Kroger. In his nightmare. Freddy Kroger. I'm moving Dr. Flavor away, Ben. Yeah.

So, Ben, what's the question? If you die in your dreams, yes, you die in real life. Well, I have cans left out of the 40 cases. How many? Six cans. When do you drink them? Better save them for your daughter's wedding, brother. Yeah, buddy. You got to really...

When do I drink them? And a follow-up, what do I do when they're gone? That's the question after all this. I feel scared. This is great. I'm nervous about the cans going away. You are? Yeah, I don't know. It makes me feel like... Well, we've got to pick really great moments for this. Lisa, are you an addiction lady? You got some stuff? I just really don't like the ending of things. And like, you know, like if something like a perfume gets discontinued, that happened to my mom's perfume when I was a child, and I made her spray a tank top and put it in a Ziploc bag for me. Wow.

Hey, Ben, I think we found the female Ben. What is the plan with that tank top bag? I don't have it anymore. Okay. Wow. Okay. Interesting. Regular. Let it go. Don't have it. Sure. Can you send it to Ben? I'll tell you, I don't have this. You don't got a Ziploc bag with your mom's tank top in it? As therapist Jake would say, I'm not a nut ball. So your question is then you got six left. When to drink them?

And then what to do? Well, I'm going to I can pitch first unless somebody's got. Oh, I have a really good idea. Perfect. OK, so this is I think you should take it and start to do science. You have six cans left. So start to do some kind of science with it so that by the end of the sixth can, you can make it yourself.

I don't think we should just be casually enjoying this. I think you could find, take it to a lab, take it to a hospital and say, Hey, what's the blood work on this? Do you have an, but hold on. They're an emergency. Don't say butthole on. Yeah. But butthole. Yeah. You didn't say, I don't know what Lisa was saying. Is that Jake's safe word? Yeah. I guess it's too confusing. It's a really bad safe word. Um,

Hey, do you mind if I take your pants off? Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. Okay. Ah, butthole. Butthole. The massage is about to start. All right, go butthole. You're saying find some sort of a lab

make your own Dr. Flavor? Yeah, because, you know, SodaStream, I don't have one, but people say that there's pockets of flavor you can do that are like pop. I mean soda. So, yes, I hear exactly what you're saying. Ben, is there any world you're going to become a science man and figure out how to make Dr. Flavor? Like teach a man to fish kind of, Ben. Yes.

I do have a photo stream and I did buy some weird Dr. Pepper flavored extract on Amazon and they just weren't hitting right. Yeah, I get it. Cause you want to know why it was discontinued, my man?

Yeah. Because they're putting poison in there. It has to be. Hey, Ben? Ben? They're trying to kill you, my guy. They should just put a warning on it. You can go buy cigarettes. Yeah, but there was something in there that they knew this shit ain't right. For an American company to be discontinued for health...

You're not wrong. I just got another idea. What is it? Okay, Ben, the last six cans that you drink, take your... Sorry, I'm going to say penis. I don't know you at all, but put your penis on the counter or wherever you want to put it. Drop a book on it hard while you're drinking it, and then you won't like it anymore. And then you won't miss it and you won't need it. Ben, what do you think about throwing a book on your penis when you drink your last can? Sorry, as a doctor, I've tried to communicate medically. But this is an interesting idea, and that is...

You love these and you're having some, I want to say Ben, as a friend, you're having some weird thing with this Dr. Flavor shit. And it's connected to something that connected to you as a kid was soda. And Lisa's saying,

Take it. Slowly be drinking it. So you're getting that whole endorphin rush. You're now little boy Ben. Ben, you're safe. I am safe. It's that sweet taste of root beer that you can whack. Yeah. Throw a book on your dick. And if you can't do it, get a friend to do it. So Ben.

What did you think about the idea of drinking the drink, having the endorphin rush and dropping something like a book on your penis? And not a paperback, brother. I know what you're going to try to get away with. It's not for fun. Don't like that one. Okay. Don't like that one. All right. So then I got a pitch for you. All right. I got two. Go ahead. You go first. No, go. So here's what I would say. I'm not a big believer in dragging this shit on. I'm a believer in you got a problem. It's time to end it.

So take the six cans, drink them as fast as you can. Go nuts. Enjoy them. Let them go on your chin. Weird. Just go nuts. You're going to get a bit of a stomachache. By three, you're going to say, like, I've had enough. Keep pushing. Remember the old idea of, like, if you catch your kid smoking? Dad's going to make you smoke the whole pack. You want a cigarette? Yeah. Here's 20.

So what I would say is back to back, very little air in between. Chug six Dr. Flavors. Afterwards, you're going to get the stomach ache. You're going to feel gassy. You're going to go, why did I do that? And then you go to yourself. It's over, Ben. It's over. Ben, it's tough. Jake's giving you some tough love. I like it. I'm going to give you two. You're in a Facebook group of psychopaths for Dr. Flavor, correct? Yes. Okay. Here's my first pitch.

Two cans, you leave for yourself for a special occasion. Let's get some money for the other four. Auction them off, get a little bit of money, and then put that into an experience for yourself. That's my first pitch. My second pitch is why not just...

have like like Jake said maybe have two or three of these and just put three away and save them for moments that you'll know I feel like it's not gonna be good to just be like this is gonna be for my 40th birthday or or shit like that so that might be a way to go I got another about it too okay

The other thing I was going to say, super weird, but in the Facebook group, hold some sort of weird Dr. Flavor contest and get two other people over and you and two other Dr. Flavor cheerleaders enjoy two cans each. I have a better idea than that. Well, that's a tough way to hear it, but okay. Sorry, sorry. But I think, speaking of Dr. Flavor competition, start

the annual Dr. Flavor parade and fair competition and have everybody come together once a year on December 25th of course 7am and have everybody bring their recipe for Dr. Flavor now you're going to ration these cans for once a year because you taste everybody's recipe then you taste from the can to see who's closest and everyone has 365 days to workshop their recipe and by the end you will that's six years six cans you will have your own recipe by then so I've got one other idea and then we're going to get to you

I would go in your bathroom as soon as this calls over, take all six and pour them in a toilet bowl. What's going on with you? You're such a cruel creature. What's going on with you? Ben, see, this is the problem with these big city Chicago guys. No, here's why. You're trying to talk to the salt of the earth, and you're offending him. Here's why, Ben. You're on his side. You're on his side. Here's why.

Every once in a while you have a great love story. You love someone. They love you. You fall in love. What a wonderful thing. And then it's over. You pour your girlfriend down the toilet? No, because then you could go, what happened? You go, well, she cheated on you and now she's with the other guy. And every once in a while you go, oh my God, I'm listening to that song by the police. That was our song. And you remember them and you think all those dreams we had, they could come true. You know what you got to do? Take all the old letters, cut them up, throw them in a toilet bowl. If you still have one of her old t-shirts,

Spray it with your perfume and put it in the puppet. No. Rip it up. Pick up dog poo with it. Throw it in the garbage.

Because it's over, Ben. You could create a weird parade on Christmas and have everybody come up with these things. And you know what you're going to get in six years? Something that don't taste like Dr. Flavor. And you know what? I can guarantee you the only thing you got to watch out for at that festival on Christmas Day is somebody's going to be on the top, tippy top of Mount Crumpit looking at arrow down with his little fucking dog and ruin your parade. And that's Jake Johnson. So there's two. So you hear your options.

Ben, and then we're going to need to know what you're going to do, because I think at this point it's fair to say we care about you. So you either find a scientist. By the way, I love our first call. We've been talking to him for so long. The first one is fine. Number two, which you don't like. Have you seen Jurassic Park, Ben? Imagine that with Dr. Flavor. Is there any in amber?

Number two is the penis drop, which is a you fuck with the association while you're drinking. Three, chug them all at once so you get a stomachache. I don't remember who said that, but I think that's smart. Weird. Four, save two cans, sell the rest, take yourself on a trip. Not to be confused with the bird. Yep. With the bird. You said save two cans. Six. Six.

Just go in the bathroom and pour them all in a toilet bowl and get rid of them. That's a crazy pitch. I think that's a smart one. Honestly, and by the way, this pitch is only coming because Jake Johnson's mouth is sewn to the sewage system and he wants to drink your sodas, man. Oh, he's going to be under your toilet. He's like, flush them down. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. He's going to have his head in there like a massage table hole. Normally he eats your poo. This would be such a nice change up for him. Yeah, it's not bad. Don't be deceived. This is not a selfless pitch. No.

Number seven, create a Dr. Flavor contest. Jake, I feel like you're- That's the best one. Jake, it's a great one. And Jake, you have attitude on pitches that aren't yours. Yours last one was to put them in the toilet. Okay, so then number seven, create a parade, a Dr. Flavor parade, where every year at 7 a.m. on Christmas, a bunch of Dr. Flavor fans come out, march around. They all create their own soda in their house, which is disgusting, but-

It's a little disgusting with all their weird germs. People do that. They bake pies and bring them to the fair. Is that disgusting? No, I agree. Maybe it's not disgusting. Everybody drinks it. Then you all share one weird can of soda and see who's right or you're somehow the only judge and everybody watches you drink the real thing while they made their fake ones and you go like, nope, the

The real one's better. And everyone goes, this parade sucks. Can I have one? You go, no, but next year you can watch me drink another. And you can, we got five more years of you guys watching. It was pretty low again this year. And then all your friends get to watch you drink them. So Ben, take us out of here, my friend. What are you going to do to get over this doctor flavor addiction? Cause you got a, you got a problem, my friend. And that's coming from one guy who's got addiction issues to another.

I like the chug them all at once option combined with

And then piss him in the toilet so Jake can drink it? Yeah, honestly. Then drink your piss. Okay, so hold on. You seem to be a reasonable guy. Drink them all six and then what? And then I like the science option as well. After I'm done chugging them, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to do some science. Don't chug them if you're going to see the science in this, Ben. You can do them in the other order. Hey, Ben, are you a family member of mine? Because you've got rocks and birds.

You seem like one of us. I'm going to chug them all, and then I'm going to say to the scientist, it kind of tasted like root beer. And he's going to go, do you have a sample? And you're going to say, no, I just drank all six before I got here. I have a terrible stomachache. I drank all six. Can you make them? So if you're going to do the science thing, my guy, you got to do that first, right? Okay, I'll leave one can for science. And are you going to chug the other five? Yes. Hey, Ben, are you at home? Don't do it now. Are you willing to do it now?

I mean... Ben, you said you wanted to get over this. Yeah. I probably got to give my wife at least a couple of them. So we'll chug them together. Okay. You know what it sounds like? You ever have an addict in your family and you do like an intervention? And you go, you got to stop now. And they go...

But my boyfriend, Rodney, I need to have one more cigarette with him down under to the bridge. Yeah. So not now. Oh, but definitely tomorrow morning. I'm done. Well, there is no more cigarettes in this world. So, Ben, your move is going to be you're going to take one, save it for science, and then maybe chug the other five with your girlfriend. Can I say something? This might be the craziest end to a call we've done. And that's really saying something. But Ben, is that right? Is that what's going to happen?

Or don't forget Jake's old-timey pitch, drink them, drink them all six. Why don't you drink them all six, huh? Here at Dr. Fizz, we recommend you drink them all six. All right, Ben. Good luck to you, man. Drink them all six. Thanks. Bye, Benny. It's been a pleasure. All right. See you. Goodbye.

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Hi. Hi there. Welcome to America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Are you excited about being on the show?

Hello. I am. I am. Sorry. It might be a satellite delay. Can we get your name, age and where you're calling from, please? Yes. My name is Harriet. I am 24 and I am currently calling from Chicago. Oh, great. So you are on with Gareth, myself and somebody who I'm a very big fan of. She knows this through Instagram.

Because I've DM'd you about it. Yeah. And talked to your manager about you. Jake, relax. Miss Lisa Gilroy. Hello, sugar baby. Welcome to Radio 49. Thank you for joining us, Lisa.

Thank you for joining us, Harriet. And thank you, Jake, for joining us as always. And thank you, radio lady. And Gareth, take it or leave it. All right, Harriet, we're back. Rocket money. Can we get your problem? What's going on? Let us know. Yes. Okay. So I recently joined a book club off of the Facebook group that I'm part of.

But Harriet, you're 24, honey. I know. What the hell is going on? And what's a book? Well, okay. I feel like COVID set us all back, so everybody's researching back to Facebook. Whatever. Sounds like it sets you forward to 65, honey baby. I'm kidding. So from the start, we all get put in this group chat. From the start, this girl in the group is like,

kind of like targeting me, it seems. She's like very dismissive of all of my ideas. Like I'm not a very outspoken person, but I was like, I'm going to be direct. I'm going to plan this out, get this book club going. It'll be great. Every time I threw something out there, she was like, nope, not having it. Like throws out her own counter pitch that in my opinion is worse, but it is what it is. Hey, Harriet, let's name this bully. Let's just call her, let's call her Darla. Okay.

Darla? You picked the cutest name in the world? Or also the most old lady name, too. Darla. Darla. I hate your stinking guts. You devil. Okay, so Harriet, you've joined a book club. There's a group chat, and Darla doesn't like any of your ideas. The floor is yours. Continue. So then we split the group into two based on which part of the city we're in, and she appoints herself as the leader of the Northside group. Oh, you guys are Northside? Yeah.

No. All right. Really? I'll stop. I'll stop. Keep going, Harriet. Things are going really good for me. Yep.

Hey, Jake. Harriet, keep going. I can't stop now. Can we mute, Jake? Jake, will you mute yourself? What were you going to say, Lisa? Northside Harriet. Oh, boy. Wait, is that a Chicago accent? Oh, you're from Chicago? Yeah. Daddy was a cop on the south side of Chicago back in the good old days, back in the bad old ways. You remember this song? Yeah. Wow, wow, wow.

Of course. Dude, say more of it. North side of Chicago. The night Chicago died. Night shift. Yeah, I remember that. That's really good. Jake, you have no clue what's happening, right? No. You don't know the song? No. I'm going to send it to you. It's fantastic. Hold on. What is the song? It's called The Night Chicago Died. And who wrote it? It's like...

It's like a 70s song. Daddy was a cop. It started, the first lyric is, Daddy was a cop. Yeah, it was like, I was a cop. We saw sad Chicago. Paper lace. Chicago died. It's an incredible song because it is storytelling about something historical. The night Chicago died. Pretty cool. All right, Harriet, listen. We're not here to talk about the night Chicago died.

But it feels relevant. Okay, so two groups, right? One north side and one's your side. Keep going. Darla runs the north side. Oh, Darla's the north side. Okay. Darla's on the north side. I'm in her group, I guess. She points herself as a leader. In the big group, they said, hold the first meeting in a public place. Immediately, we get into the small group. She says, I'm hosting this at my apartment. It's very small. And I'm locking the doors. And I'm a pervert. Yeah.

she says I have a dog I have two cats my boyfriend lives with me it's a small apartment but I want to host it's also like a solid 35 minutes away from everybody else in the group cool cool cool and yeah so I was like okay rude whatever but I'm gonna choose my battles let it go um

She starts getting mad at everyone in the group for not responding to her messages. She's throwing out dates and times that don't work for anyone and then getting mad that no one will respond. She's like, December 25th, 7 a.m. What's going on? Huh? 2028. What are you all up to? Yes. Someone would say specifically, I get out of work at this time. She'd say, great, half an hour before that, let's meet. Perfect. Not...

great. Whatever. We finally decide on a time, um, get the time and date settled. A couple of days go by and she posts in the group and says, Hey guys, this is random, but can anyone dog sit for me today? Um, my sitter canceled or whatever. And this is the same caller. Yeah.

Yeah, same problem. I thought we were just getting to the end and now we're dog sitting? Yeah. This is what it's like to be in Darla's group, Jake. So, Harriet, the mean Darla, just because there's a lot cooking in your setup. You guys are in a book club. No, no, no. I'm not mad at it. I'm just trying to catch up.

I'm going to explain it to you. What's happening is Darla pretended to be part of the book club, wanted to host, but really she's going to Mexico with her boyfriend and when everyone comes over for book club, they're dog sitting. That's what's happening. And then she's going to make them stay overnight. She's like, sleep over book club, but it's just free dog sitting. And then they're like, where's Darla? Where are my clothes? There's a note on the fridge that says like, the dog needs to go out twice a day. The door won't open. Dog needs eight people to sleep with. Here's the book I want you to talk about while I'm gone. So then...

Darla says, I need a dog sitter. Yes, I need a dog sitter. She does not offer any payment except she says, quote,

We can give a one-hour massage tune-up. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, what? She's combining like... Wait, Lisa, go ahead. A one-hour massage tune-up? Is that what you said? Tune-up. Tune-up? Not tune-up. Tune-up or tuna? Tune-up. She massages tune-up. By the way, I'm a tune-up massage man. What does one-hour massage tune-up mean? I'm not going to get deep tissue. I'll just do like a couple spots.

It's just like a little like, yoink, yoink. There you go. Tiki-tiki. Thanks a lot. Thanks for looking after my dog. Hi, do you want Swedish or, I'll just take the tune-up. Ding, ding, ding, ding. And she said we, which is ultra terrifying. Robert Kraft got, the owner of the pager's gotten in a lot of trouble for the old tune-up. Just the tune-up. It's just the,

- Just a tuna! - But I think Lisa does make a great point, which is that it was a we. - That's very scary. - Which is not great to be like, don't worry, it's me and my boyfriend who are giving you a wrap. - Never need four hands on me. - I disagree. Harriet, we're back. If I'm getting a tuna thing, I would rather-- - Tuna thing. - You want a four-hand tuna slap down? - I would love to go like this. Do you mind taking your bottoms off? Sure, Darla. Hello, Craig.

Hello, Jake. Yeah. Tune me up. Right. Let's get started. We got an hour. I'm going to watch the dog for free. So Harriet, what? So they said we can't pay, but we will give you an hour massage tune up. The floor is yours. Then what happens? Yeah.

Yeah, so I'm just the meetup supposed to be next weekend. And no one responds to that message. I don't. What would you possibly respond? Hey, stop texting. What would a response be? This is a book club. Yeah. So I'm nervous that based on responses, I would be the only person to show up. So I'm wondering, oh, did I go?

And if I go, can you guys help me plan an escape plan? Or if I'm the only person? This is crazy. I mean, this is supposed to be a fucking book club. But the question is...

Nobody has said yes to going to the book club meeting at Darla's weird place with her weird boyfriend. Nobody responded to the dog sitter thing. Do you go and risk being the only person with her and her pervert boyfriend? Is the book club all ladies? Are there any men in the book club? No. People have said yes, they are going to the book club. They just have no one responded to the dog message whatsoever.

Oh, but that's OK. You don't have to dog sit. Yeah. So so do you go to what? Do you go to the book club? Yeah. I have a holistic question. Why are we letting Darla Saddam Hussein this fucking book club? Because

Why not start a side chat? Do we need, do you know Darla? Do we need Darla involved in this? My gut is to start a side chat and just say, look, we're dealing with a crazy person who's bringing tuna massages and dog sitting into a fucking book club where she's dictating what we're reading. I'm done with it.

I'm starting a new one. And we're doing it closer to everybody because we're not going to be under the thumb of this psychopath any longer. So, Harriet, we're starting our pitching with the idea of a coup. But for every great government takeover, imagine you're on an island. There's a leader there. It's really wild kind of, you know, animal kingdom kind of stuff. I'm back to the animal kingdom stuff. I saw this great thing where

Yes, it seems like it's irrelevant, but it really is relevant. Irrelevant. Go ahead. A crocodile ate a baby hippo. Tried to. Okay. Oh, it ate it. Oh. The hippos got together as 70 of them. 70? And they stomped the croc to death. Croc stomp? Letting everybody in the river know, you fuck with one of our hippos, you're going to get fucking hippoed.

So, J.P., I think you should find Darla, put her head kind of on the pavement, the part where the sidewalk comes up. Curbstomp. And go curb stomp. But what I'm saying is, going off of what Garf pitched, is if there's a coup, well, Harriet, are you the hippo who's starting it? Because you can't be a fucking coward while starting a coup, because I'll tell you what'll happen next.

That fucking gator will rip you all apart. Am I on a line, Lisa? No, I think Jake's right. You're either going to be the baby hippo or you're going to be the start of the mutiny hippo. But also, can you just DM someone else in the group and say, like, are you going to see if you'll have a friend?

I could, yes. I could. I've been nervous that nobody else is getting weirded out and they're all going to be like, no, she's completely normal. You're the weird one. So what is the social dynamic of the group and where do you fit in? Because earlier when you said that she was targeting you, can we get an example of something you pitched? Yes. So I had said, I just want to find... When we were talking about where to meet, I had said...

Just want to find a mid location for everyone. So everyone's traveling about the same distance. What about this coffee shop or this coffee shop? And that was when she said, nope, I'm going to host it. But she she she did she say nope? Or was she like, I have marble countertops. We could come to my place. And then you don't have to deal with paying for coffee. Yeah. My boyfriend's there. He massages. Did she say it with such a demanding presence or did she pitch it like.

I think she said like, I'd like to host it. Oh, I'd like to host it is pretty assertive for a woman in a book club, I have to say. It's a lot. Is it? For me, it is. Her energy is not great. I would never in my life say, I'd like to blank anything. Especially like, yeah. Why not? Too scared. Yeah.

What if someone doesn't like me after I say it? I'd have to be like if that was me in there and I'd go like maybe I could host but it's probably a stupid fucking idea. If you guys hate that let's not do it. That's how I would pitch that. I'm leaving the club. I do think it's very assertive to say I'd like to host because then it's like you're going to be the son of a bitch then if you say like no. That's interesting. She is dominating the panel. But Harrod have you suggested anything else in the group? And look we just need a little honesty here. I gotta know if there's any smoke to the fire that you're a bit of a weirdo too.

Now we're on your team, but I just got to make sure if we're telling you to attack,

Sometimes somebody grabs the reins of a situation. Yeah, because there's too many Harriets there There's too many emails where you go like oh for God's sake or like were you in the Facebook group going like we should read Lord of the pigs or the pigs they're all like it's sort of the Pfizer you like it's one of the pigs let's read it And what about this story I wrote it or if somebody pitches something else are you somebody goes like could we read this like is there anything that you've been embarrassed about by your behavior from Darla's point of view no

no i don't think so i pretty run of the mill like the only yeah i don't think so i've been pretty just go with the flow the only thing i said first off was before we split into the two groups they were getting really into the nitty-gritty of where everybody's going to meet up and i just said hey let's split into groups and then like decide from there and that was kind of the only i have a personal question for you was one of the coffee shops that you pitched starbucks

Oh, that's a good question. Okay, okay, you're safe. Okay, because if it was, I'm with Darla. I'm not going to fucking ask for it. The vibes are trash. I'm not going to come there. Yeah, well, there's also a middle ground between, no, not Starbucks. My house is where my boyfriend is and he gives massages. But what if she's rich? You don't know. She could have glass walls. She could.

She could have a condo with the most pristine carpet. It does sound like she's in a glass house. You could be sitting in the nicest chair you've ever sat in. You're not wrong that certain people, and this will happen if you're all going to watch a game, right? And somebody goes, we can go to this bar. Somebody goes, you can go to my house. And you go and you go like, oh, you're rich. Oh, yeah. And they're like, there's a reason why I offered. You ordered a fucking 200 wings? A rich person is not bartering for a dog sitter. Fair.

They're not. Oh, that's true. Good Colombo work there. And then question about the dog center thing before we continue to pitch. Nobody responded to that?

Nobody responded. At some point, like two days later, someone said, are you a massage therapist? And she said, no, I'm a holistic healer. Wait, hold on. I'm a what? Holistic healer. Something like a holistic healer. And I got into the nitty gritty of that. What's the nitty gritty? She gets up in your holes in a ballistic way. I'll watch. I go ballistic. I go ballistic on your ass.

I go where the tuna gets made. Yuck. That one actually made me feel sick about humanity. Isn't that the childhood rhyme? It's like milk, milk, lemonade underneath the tuna gets made. Around the corner, Spudgy B. Go a little further, there's the tuna shop. Up inside, slopping around, that's where the tuna is at. That's how the rhyme ends. This one's actually making me feel barfy. Do it then. Quit teasing. Fucking do it then. Quit yarf edging.

So I got to say the addendum to the round the corner fudges made that there's three non-rhyming lines about the tuna shop. I love. I'm not feeling sick. Keep going a little further. You'll see at the corner. Take a left. Hey, bring it in. Bring it in. This one's for the girls only. Tuna on my right. So Harriet.

There's a lot to chew on this one. That's why we haven't got the pigeon. So when somebody wrote back, are you a massage therapist? She said, no, but I'm in a holistic healer. The hero is the person who after two days is like, fuck it, I'm okay. Hey, are you involved in this professionally? No. Because one of my notes, one of my pitches is going to be to start a group email where you write to her included.

I don't want to watch your dog for free for a massage or who's the we question mark. I need to know who would be touching my body in order to watch your dog. But she doesn't want it. No one's going to watch the dog. So what's the point in asking the questions? I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. You're forming your group of hippos because the first time we hadn't seen this video, I'll tell you, I'll, I'll send it to you. The first time,

A fucking croc ate a baby hippie. You know what all the hippos do? What are you going to do? Look at its teeth. What are you going to do? And then one of them goes like, should we stomp back? And they go, you've seen them? Those are dinosaurs. And one of them went, I think if we all got together, we might win here. And another one went, no. And then 50 of them slowly went, you're forming the coup. If you do it as a group, you go, hey, Darla, quick question.

"Who's we in this massage?" And she goes, "My boyfriend, Craig." And you were like, "Craig's gonna massage?"

My naked body? No one said naked. What are you going to go to get a massage fully clothed? I do. You're not going to get to the tuna hole. I go in my jammies and I don't take them off. I say, put the lotion on top of the jammies. I'm a Christian woman. I'm not going to let someone get in my butt crap. I get bare naked in the lobby. I'm sitting naked next to other people going, they're like, who's next? And I go, eventually my fat ass is going in.

And I'm going to be on the table before you at it. I slept here. Yeah. Okay. To your hip. I think, listen, we're dealing with a fucking book bully. Yes. Right. This person is taking control of the book club. What's the book, by the way? Oh, it's called Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Davis. The irony. Freedom of the Constant Struggle. Yes. Title. But a very true title. Yeah.

Here's my, I pitched the, listen, this is what I would pitch as well. Could someone join this group and Darla maybe not know they joined? You're talking about a fake email start? Hold on. Is that possible, Harriet? Jane Doe. Yeah, I think so, yeah. So this is what I would do. I would send a message that just says something to the effect of- Can I interrupt, Gareth? Go, baby. Because I think I know where you're going. Go. You might be right. Go. Can we join the group chat?

Can you join the group chat? You're talking about a possible Jane Doe's what Gareth was pitching and that you were going to be the new fake voice. What I'm saying is, is send us the goddamn group chat right now. We will live right to Darla and the group as a mysterious new woman going. Can we hear more about this weird massage? Even bigger. Every ad on you gave is perfect. But this is just a person saying, hey, Darla, I'm going to be honest.

I joined this book club to like read books. You're kind of taking the wheel in a direction that I don't like. I'm leaving the book club.

And that way you sort of send the effect. You're going away from the whole weirdness about the massage and the dog. I think that could be part of it. But I'm talking about an exit letter. Interesting. It's like, Darla, what's going on? This is a book club. You're insisting we go to your place. You're asking if we can dog sit. You're offering up couples massages. You're not wrong. Lisa, what do you think? I think we've missed a fundamental piece of information that we should have asked at the very beginning. Does anyone in this Facebook group know each other? What's the...

Good question. Is it just like you found each other through the love of books.com? Yeah. No, I don't think anyone knows each other. It's like it was formed through like a queer Facebook group and then we made the book club from that group. So I don't think anyone knows each other. So nobody knows one another. So we could create... We could do this. Harriet, we could do this right now. We could do the hippo stomp. Hey, Harriet. It's a Facebook group. We have to make a whole profile. No, but you said you're on an email chain too, no? No, it's just a Facebook group. But I would love to make a profile. Let's do it. We could start it. I mean...

Kevin just rolled his eyes. I'll tell you what Kevin didn't do is sit up in his chair and start typing. Well, here's the problem with it. I couldn't lean farther back in this chair. So here's why I don't want to go down that road because then we got to accept being friends and blah, blah, blah. Okay. So here's what we need you to do, Harriet.

You got to fucking be our Jane Doe. Yeah, you got to make it. And here's what I think you've got to do. Jane Doe was famous for communicating with the apes and translating that to people. And she wrote many books about it. She sure did. And that's what you can do here. That's what you can do here. You can kind of, you know, translate for everybody. She spent time in the gorilla community. Yes. She became one of the gorillas and you could do that too. So here's what, here's going to be at least my pitch going off of Garf's pitch.

Harriet, you got guts. Nice. I just need to know. Yeah. Are you an animal? I can, yeah. I can muster up some guts. Jake would like to represent you in Hollywood. Now I'm going to tell you this. I take 40%. It's only because I deserve it. Jake would like to hippo pocket you. Here's what I'm going to say to you and Lisa. Later breathing to follow. I'm going to get my girls together. Jake. Listen to me. I'm talking to you and Harriet.

She could hear you, you idiot. I got to take 40%. I understand. You're done. We're done. So we're here. Do you have fucking guts? Yeah. All right. Will you open your Facebook right now? Sure. One second. Wonderful. We're going to, we're going to pen a response.

And you're going to hit some. Yes. We are going to create what she's going to write directly to Darla's weird ass. I don't know. And we are going to break this group in half. I'm scared. I am too, Jake. You know who should be scared? The alligator. The crocodile, Darla. Crocodile, right. Because this is actually, this is getting scary because no one knows each other and you're going to someone's house now. Yes. It could be so weird. And she's already proven that she's a bit weird. That's why I like the anonymity of a fake profile. She's a goofball.

Could you imagine, Lisa, for real, if somebody said, would you do me a big favor and watch my dog? We will massage you for an hour in real life. Imagine how close of friends you'd have to be for that to be. And imagine it was a stranger.

It's insane. Actually, I don't know if it's better to be massaged by someone you know very well or not at all. It depends on the person. Okay. Weird. It's never okay. If it's like people you know, then you're like, they're trying to like make something happen here. If it's strangers, it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Harriet, are we open? Yep. We're good. I'm going to start. Interrupt me at any moment. I'll start right now. Okay. Dear Darla. Oh.

Come on. Are you typing? Yep. So part of this thing is what we're going to need after you send it. We're going to need a photo of proof that you sent it because I don't like doing these podcasts where we're just spinning our wheels. Okay. Right now I'm writing it down rather than typing it. So you lied. Now you're turning me into Darla. We're going to my house for the book club. She likes to write. She's a book clubber. Can you open up your computer? The speakerphone doesn't work. So I just am writing it down. Oh, I got you because you do it on your phone.

Am I the only one that's remembering the Little Rascals Dear Darla letter? Yes. Little Rascals. I don't remember. What is it? I love this. It's literally Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. Listen, you say what you want to say and I'll find the letter. You make me sick. Yes, that's right. Kevin knows. So here's what I would recommend. Dear Darla, I feel as if you have taken over this book club in ways that have taken away some of the fun for me. Okay.

You have my out of line here. I'm been looking at my son has been had our it's a good option It is all that's happened is the freedom of the constant struggle has been cracked. Yes, and a location has been chosen I don't know really fun hooping it up How about this dear Darla what the fuck? No, this dear dog dear Darla and no dear group. Oh

Dear group. Dear Groot. What does that have to do with it? Dear group. We should watch. I would like to meet at this coffee shop because one, it's closer and two, don't want to be massaged while being asked to watch a dog. If anybody wants to meet here, I'm flexible with timing. May I suggest Tuesday at eight? If nobody's there, all good. Have fun being massaged by a stranger.

Okay, alternative pitch. Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes. Love, Alfalfa. It's also good. I have a third. Go. Just leave the fucking group and join the other side of the book club. Go south. Yeah, but you don't live on the south side, so that would be extra. 25 minutes away is going to be the same. Oh, that's true. Can you ask where the south side's meeting is?

I think they posted it and I think it's like out in the south suburbs. Okay, that's too far. Is it someone's house? No, it's at like a library. A library, that's charming. So here's another pitch. Go for the fun of going. It's going to be a great story. Show up.

Figure out what's going on. Ask a lot of questions about the dog and the massage. Know that Darla is a maniac, but this could be a story you have for a lifetime. Or last one, fake profile it and do what you just said from a different account and then see if people show up for that coffee shop meeting. And then you could show up there. And if somebody else goes, you're like, I don't even know the girl who started this. I just showed up because it was closer to my apartment. Where's Shannon? Harriet, what do you think you're going to do here?

I think that I might go South-South Divide, and then if it's just bad all around the first one, I'm going to say...

we're not meeting there again. Let's meet at this coffee shop. And if she doesn't want to, yeah, do a coup, do the hippo move. Will you do something really fast where as a group thing, could you just email who's the we in that massage? It's a really weird thing to say. We crazy. You're adding a mysterious set of hands. It's, it's so insane.

And so what you're going to do is you're going to go, you're going to suss it out. Will you call us back in so we can hear what happened? Yes, I will. In the meantime, could you really fast forward?

Just write who's the we in the massage out of curiosity? Question for the group. If you're in a massage and your head's in the hole and your slimy little butt's slapped down on the table and your face down. Why slimy? Because you're in oil. You came with your own oil. And you put your face in the hole. And then you had seen the massage person. They were like, yeah, lay down, get comfortable, whatever. Then you got your face in. And then they came in and they said,

we are going to get started now. Would you lift your head from the hole to see who's around? Yep. You would? Oh, yeah. You really would? If that was said, I would be like, what's going on? No, because wouldn't you assume that she's saying we, like you and me? Oh, like the universal way. But then what if you thought you felt four hands? I would look. I'm also, I'm a guy who looks around the room. No, you're not. When you get massaged, you peek your head out of the hole and you- I don't do that. I take a moment. I don't. You hurt your own neck to do a whole frame around. I do on elbows up. No. What?

You want to make eye contact with the moose the whole time? Not the whole time, but at least a minute at the beginning. We got another caller in the way. Thank you for the call. Hey, Harriet, keep us posted. Okay, will do. Thank you all. Thank you, Harriet. Enjoy being 24. Yep. Good luck.

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You know, it's not that crazy to pitch like the food science thing because I met a hot girl at a party who was a food scientist. Really? And her job was to make like recipe for Oreo. Like she was like, I don't make cookies at home. I make 50,000 cookies at once. Have you not seen the Netflix show? Is it snacks or something? Is it snacks?

Is it fucking snacks? Is that the one where they make a snack and you don't know if it's like a little piece of furniture or it's a snack until you cut it open? No. Is it cake but with furniture? I'm bad with titles and names. It's something where a bunch of food scientists make weird snacks. It's not called Is It Snacks. I hope it is called Is It Snacks. Oh, maybe it's called It Is Snacks. It Is Snacks. Drink them all snacks. Drink them all snacks.

I have a question for you before you go. What's your story out here? You came from Canada and you did second city. Yeah. Toronto. Yeah. Then what'd you do? I did kids TV hosting up there too. I didn't know.

Walk me through this. Okay, so Canada's version of Nickelodeon is called YTV. Yes. It's like youth television, okay? Fun. So I did the interstitial hosting. Oh, wow. And so where were you at Toronto? Did you main stage it? Were you ETC? Were you touring? I was TourCo. And then my green card came through and I left to come to America. So you did all the classes. You got TourCo. You were starting. You were going to build up. Was the dream at that point to get main stage, either go SNL or go Chicago? At that point, like...

None of that was on my radar. I never ever thought that I'd move to the States But then I started seeing people who did main stage move to LA So then I started putting in my paperwork and I was like on the road to main stage But then when it came through I was like gotta go you got to go you got to move within like six months of getting it Or you lose it. Yeah, and did you know you wanted to do this even as a kid?

Yeah, but I also used to be a drama teacher in Edmonton, Alberta. You did? Yeah. So that was kind of like what I thought. I mean, I knew I wanted to do this, but that's not possible in Edmonton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I was like, oh, I'll be a drama teacher. Who did you watch as a kid that you were like, that made you want to perform? Sarah Silverman. Really? Like Sarah Silverman program and like SNL and everything. Yeah, yeah. Those like wacky ladies. So then you went from there in Edmonton. You went to Toronto. You did the Second City. You get to Torco.

You then get your thing and you move to Los Angeles. Yeah. And who'd you know in LA? Not a single damn person. Yeah, you did the same thing. You didn't know anyone either? Nobody, yeah.

So then you got out here, you knew no one. And what'd you go, how'd you get from zero to something? Did you do Groundlings? I did Groundlings and UCB. And so you just started taking classes? Immediately. Like it was my job. Yeah. I did both tracks. And then Groundlings has like a big bottleneck before. Yeah. You get like a year and a half break for like the writers thing. Yeah. Yeah. And then, so then I really started doing more like Herald Night and stuff at UCB and ASCAP. So UCB was what kind of launched you through. Which one went first? Yeah.

UCB, definitely. Interesting. Because Groundlings had the bottleneck, so then I just doubled down at UCB. And then where'd you get your agent? What was the thing? God, this guy's so needy. Where'd you get an agent? How do I get one? How do I get one? Are you SAG? Yeah. What's Taft-Hartley? Yeah. I'm the other one. What's not SAG but the other one? That's what I am. It doesn't matter. ACTRA. ACTRA. The Canadian needy. I just pay that guy. So what was the thing that broke you through? In SAG?

No. How'd you get it? Because I did the same arc. I came with, so did Garth. We were at the Improv Olympic back when that used to exist. So you guys came here together, so you did have a friend. No, we met each other at the same improv theater. Where? Improv Olympic. This was before UCB was here. This is closed down. Okay, I moved to LA the same week that IO closed. I saw one show there on a Monday and it was closed by Wednesday. A lot of people say there's that one...

When we moved here, I moved here in 2004. Garf, when did you get here? Probably right around then, probably 2004. UCB was not here yet. It was only New York. I had done it in New York back in like 2000, 2001. But it was IO and Groundlings and Second City kind of.

But Groundlings, like you said, was the one where you were like, yeah, but there's like that bottle. But also, I used to be the fun one because there was a bar. You could smoke weed in the green room. You could get your show put up if you gave the guy a run at weed. Yes. It was the party place. You could kind of go there and get started. Oh, fun. But nobody, I did the main stage sketch show there and I was all excited. I had like my head shots and they were like, dude, you're going to get signed. At the end, I went to the person in the box office. We had like 50 things.

None were taken. Oh, you're like, oh no one's seeing this shit. So what was the thing that kind of got you started? Something I don't know if I've been started you guys started for how'd you get Naomi? Oh, that was okay actually, so I was doing mod which is the sketch night at you and Harold team which is the long long form improv and

All the people with their reps got submitted for the SNL showcase. And then the AD of UCB got to submit two people who were unwrapped. No way. And so they submitted me. And I went and I tested. And in the process...

my manager was watching in the crowd and then oh wait so that night was the test no it was i went and then then like two days later got a call saying like they're they want to fly you to new york i didn't have a rep i didn't have reps nothing no yeah you have to come up with all of the things you were going to do in your audition in like two days how ready were you no because i already well i guess i just kind of threw together like a five minutes from all the sketch stuff that i had done i

I wouldn't say I was like super ready, but that's why I was shocked. I just couldn't believe it. That's the unheard of story. Yeah. How nervous were you? So nervous. Yeah. And the vibe in that room is crazy, right? Well, it's actually really devastating because I tested, well, twice. But the first time I went there and then like hours before my test got a call because I had done. So now I have a fresh manager, right? Who had signed me just before I went to the actual test. Yes. Okay. And she called me and she was like,

I'm signing the test deal and there's something has come up with a show that you did some sketch show that you did totally unwrapped had been in LA for like not even a year so of course I was doing all sorts of weird non-union stuff yeah and this show that I had done that was a sketch TV show I did like a non-airing pilot presentation they owned the rights and they like pulled the plug on my test holy shit so then so then yeah that's fucked up and so what happened

Well, I cried so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye and then I flew back. That's a character. That's a good character. And then thank you. And then I tested again the next year.

That's fucking nuts. And then the next year was all new stuff. And then was that environment crazy? Was it like as sterile as we always hear about? I mean, the weight in the dressing room was hell, but I thought that the room itself was like pretty warm. That's good. I felt like there was laughing in the room, which is nice. And in my dressing room, the TV was turned on to everybody else's thing. Could you turn it off? Oh.

It wasn't turned on, but I turned it on and I could see everybody else auditioning. Did you watch? Yes. Oh, that's crazy. Did you feel like that helped you? Yeah, because you know what? Here's the thing. And this is just my belief. Okay. We're all pretty bad. Like, I think if you're an adult person doing sketch comedy with wigs...

you're bad. We're all bad. You know? Everyone's sad. It's not embarrassing. It's kind of the most humiliating thing you could do with your adult body. Yeah. So it just made me feel so comfortable. It's like, we're all just, you know, you hit a level and there's like probably a thousand people that are doing exactly the same kind of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No one's really that. I mean, maybe once in a blue moon, someone's like better than the other. It's just everyone has like opinions about somebody. It's a bit sad for everyone. Yeah. And have you watched like at Groundlings or UCB, the like showcase nights before tests where everybody's going and trying out their stuff? It's like it all starts to just turn into mashed potatoes. Like everyone's it's the same thing. Yeah. No, that's very true. So you got a sense of calm and then went in there and did a pretty good job. Yeah. Good for you.

Did you do it? No, I didn't. I was really into sketch and improv, and then I had a night where I'm a money guy. I love money. Oh, do you? I love the business. I can't tell by your outfit. That's crazy. Thank you so much for coming.

I don't love spending it. I don't love spending it either. But I love the game of it. My father was a car salesman. My mother was a stained glass junk artist. So like the mix of the two. That is the craziest sentence ever. That sounded like the Dr. Evil monologue from Austin Powers. My mother was a prostitute named Chloe. My father was. But she had like junk shops where it was all like she wouldn't let me negotiate with customers.

She would like if she still won't she won't but if somebody came in and she wasn't there and literally would get like a piece of furniture We found in an alley and stripped it. I'm picturing earth a kit in earnest scared stupid. Oh my god But we weren't we were not allowed to negotiate so it was like 200 bucks and then there was incense and the incense was 15 and the person goes like 200 bucks would throw in the incense and if I had 15 if I went like you got a fucking deal and

My mom would go and go. You were Joe Pesci when you were little. I've always been Joe Pesci. It's going to make sense when I'm like 65. Okay, okay. But I would get in trouble. So in terms of like this game, the business and the grind of it, I think is like such an exciting part of it. Yeah. And so this sketch and improv world, once I started realizing like, you got a seven year deal, you're not making money ever. Oh, like at SNL? Like that whole world. That's not true. You make like $4,200 an episode on SNL. Okay.

Congratulations. It's actually pretty good. You can start making more, too, if you're there for a while. But I started doing... I think if you're there for 25 years, you get $7,000. You become Lorne. But when I was doing UCB, I started doing the same character rather than doing a bunch of different characters because it was plain. Joe Pesci.

Kind of. I had a big mustache at the time. So every character, like Berg used to do food. Yep. I would always go out there and go like, what are you talking about? Well, you used to have the mustache and it really booked you gigs. I remember when you, I remember one of the first commercial I saw you in after we became friends was a Tampax commercial where it was like, we'll give everything to a straight white man. It's unbelievable. Well, no, Jake was not feeling fresh, but Jake was the bad tampon showing up for the date. I was the before. You were a tampon.

No, he was himself, but he was manifested as a tampon.

I need some shit. If I could have one dream, it would be to be a fucking tampon. Wait, that's like, remember the phone call between the Prince Charles and Camilla? Oh my God. They leaked a phone call between them. And he was like, I'd love to be a tampon. He literally said, if I came back in another life, I'd love to be a tampon or a maxi pad. Never been a regular person. Yes. Did you ever work with Sarah Silverman? Have you ever done anything with her? I just did a show with her this week. Did you tell her? Was it a trip? I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her. In your head, were you like, what the fuck?

fuck is going on I did catch myself looking at her in a way that was like I could tell if someone else was watching me watch her it would look insane so I was trying to play it cool and like break eye contact sometimes yeah but it was difficult yeah it's really I just love her I just did that with Bob Odenkirk because Bob Odenkirk he was my guy oh really yeah Mr. Show for me was everything

That was the show we all copied. And I did the sketch fest with him and Naomi and we were walking back and I just did that thing where I just like stared at him and I'm like, you're just that thing. Wow.

But question for you, and then we'll let you go, because I first found you when you did that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory bit. Oh, yeah. What was that? You just decided like she did a bit. Did you see this? No. I had no idea who you were. I'm not I don't do any of the comedy theaters anymore. So I've missed like all the generations coming up. She made a video where it was a first person thing where she was talking about people who visited her on set.

and how they got out of control and how rude it was. But you played it. I do know what this is. So you played it. That is so fucking funny. I saw it. That's so weird. No one had told me about it. It was one of those things that popped into my algorithm.

I was judging you so bad. I'm sure you were. I thought you were just some actor. And I was like, this is what's fucking wrong with the new generation. And you got emotional and your acting was really good. So I believed you. And I was dumb enough. I didn't put it together. And then it was about like the last 10 seconds. I'm like,

this is a fucking bitch. It was so subtly, I bet a lot of people felt like that. I bet there were like people. I had people text me and go like, oh my God, just saw the video. Are you okay? I'm sorry. But I thought that's what launched you.

So you had already tested, things were already going for you. Yeah, I shot that when I was shooting a show in Toronto. Interesting. So that's where I got the idea because I was like, what if I brought people to set? That is so funny. I did not put that together. And then I'm buddies with Jake Szymanski from Jury Do Do. I love Jake. How was that for you? Jury Do Do was my dream. Like, that's all I want to do is just improvise forever. You could tell, I mean, as little as I know, I've seen the show, and you can tell when you're doing your bit as that character.

great you are at making

Making all that shit up. Oh, thank you It's my only thing I like to do and we did like, you know, we did a little rehearsal beforehand But it was so much like, you know Keep it chill and keep don't make it too crazy or like funny or don't say anything like weird cuz it was so You know don't want to you know one wants to be the one that like breaks the bit But then as soon as it started I was like you were like pushing it a little bit. You're pushing it a little bit. What are you gonna do? Call cut? And you can see his face. He's gone like Jesus Christ. It's like insane what she's saying. But it's the same

thing that why we're the Willy Wonka video is like all you simply need to get away with anything you want is two feet of blonde hair and then people start tuning you out immediately comedy camouflage yeah so funny well thanks for coming you're really yeah thanks so much thanks for having me freaks

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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