67: Rangers Range
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We are...

Yes, Jake. Garf, man. And you said you have to go. Where are you going? I'm going to have someone look at my knee. What happened to your knee? I don't know. It was my first time as an adult where I'm old because I slipped.

And something's happened. So you feel like you might have torn something. Yeah, I think I have a tear. What a nightmare. Yeah, it's going to suck. But I found my friend Lacey recommended this great guy because I'm barely home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like he will see me. So I'm like, are you considering if he recommends surgery or would I do whatever you would? Yeah. So how bad is your pain? It's not too bad, like recreationally. But then it's like.

Like when I flew yesterday on American Airlines, which isn't a company, they suck. I like would get up and it would like it. The ache is so bad. Like on a, on a flight, it's just, especially when they screw you all day. We used to, we nicknamed Gareth, uh,

87 Oldsmobile oh dude and in my in my phone maybe until this podcast I just had his as 87 well because we used to play frizzball yes but when he plays sports his body he's like an 87 Oldsmobile we're like he doesn't go very fast he's not quick he'll take nasty falls but he never got hurt he never stopped we used to play frisbee football a game that Jake Rulebook came up with

And it basically ultimate Frisbee, but more football mixed in. And I mean, we would go to this park and we would like haul ass. So I would like run spread, but there were like holes on this. And Garrett took massive tumbles. Tom, big Tom. And I, and I, I didn't have health insurance. But also the thing about Gareth, which is interesting to know, and I don't think it's changed. He never made an adjustment. There would be a hole. Yeah. And it would be like,

Go Garf! It's a far throw. And he would go. And I'm not kidding. Some of his falls, it would be like his foot went in. Yeah. And we would all be like, fuck. That's it. Like, that's it. He's gone. Like, this Oldsmobile broke down forever. And then Gareth would be like, ah! Ah! I'll play it off. And then he would get up, like, kick his leg weird. It's like, that's why I call them 87 Oldsmobile. It would be somebody whose the car smokes coming out. And then they just walk by and go like, oh.

And then the car, the engine would turn over. So maybe don't start going to doctors because I'll tell you what. I don't like this advice. You go to a... Take an 87 nose mobile to a mechanic. They open up the hood. They're going to go like... This is like a Yahtzee dice in the middle that holds your engine. Yeah, she still runs. Once you start looking at it... You got to start it with a screwdriver. Yes, but you're still moving. I think you're right. You don't want to... Just be careful. ...remove blocks from a Jenga tower. And then all of a sudden you go like...

You know what else he found? What? My hips are totally out of alignment. Yeah. And you go, there's a lot wrong. There is a lot wrong. But it's working. It'll be very interesting. I think it's, I don't know. I've never had an injury like this. So this is bad. It's something. Yeah. I mean, it's been like five weeks and I'm like, something's going on. What a drag. Yeah. So it's going to suck. But that's where I got to go. Yoga, baby. I do yoga. You do? Yeah. I think that's what got me through frizz ball.

Like, I think like a lot of NFL players, you know, remember NFL, they do yoga and stuff like that. And that's how they like can sustain and carry through. You just connected yourself to an NFL player doing yoga because we played frizz ball once a month. So we're also going to do something for our patron where we are going to. First time hearing of it. Yes. Second time trying to nail it.

And that is we are going to, we've been sitting and chatting with the guests more and we're adding kind of third segments. We are going to add that to our Patreon early. So that's going to come at least a day before the episode, maybe even earlier, but we're going to start releasing certain calls in certain chats early there. And then everybody else, you will catch it eventually on the show. So if you're a Gilly bean or a one and two or a helper, join our Patreon for extra stuff and to hear that stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the show.

Hello. Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Thank you. Thank you for calling. Can we get your name, please? My name is Elaine. Elaine. Where are you calling from, Elaine? I am calling from Washington State. Okay. General.

And what can we do for you today? So I am calling today because I work as a park ranger and the park that I work at has a lot of deer. They have become very tame, but they are still very dangerous. They have things like ticks, Lyme disease, and I've seen them literally attack like small children and dogs. Wait, you've seen a deer attack a small kid? Get the fuck out of here! Yeah.

Yes. What happened? Walk us through what you saw. They think that you're going to feed them. So kids go up to them like, oh, I'm going to pet the deer. The deer is coming up to me. Like the kid dog interaction is what it looks like.

The deer realizes the kid doesn't have food and then it gets really mad and will basically just attack these kids for the food. This is a metaphor of our podcast. And what is the deer? Do you watch the deer when it attacks? Is it a face to face? Is it like a ram? Is it a kick?

By the way, I've watched great videos of an Australian of guys literally boxing with kangaroos in water. Oh, yeah. No, they're... They just straight up box. They're like, the kangaroos got their dog. And you'll just have an Australian guy go like, put down my fucking dog, man. Then, boom, they start fighting. So what does this deer do when it fights? How does a deer fight is my question. Yes. So if it's a male deer, like with antlers, they will use those, which is horrifying because that's basically like they have like...

on their head. Just spearing the little kid. That's a nightmare. How about a lady deer? Yeah. A lady deer, they're kicking. They've got, you know, those strong hooves. So it does like a turnaround donkey. Oh, she does like a turnaround donkey kick? Yeah.

Yeah, it's like a trample. It's not pretty to see. Oh, you're talking about that front two-leg kick, like it's a cat making a dough or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. It depends on the size. Biscuits. All right, so you're a park ranger. There's deer that people think are nice, and it's just beating the hell out of dogs and some kids. Very interesting setup. This is a movie I'm interested in watching. At this point, I've got the popcorn ready. Where are we at?

Yes. So the issue arises is I basically spend my whole summer trying to like not let this happen, trying to keep campers away from deer. Yes. But my mom is part of this story. Her name's Heather and her top of like her bucket list items is,

is to find a deer shed. This is like an antler that has fallen off of the male deer. People will find these to collect them, use them for decorations in their home. My mom just has always wanted to find them. She's a little weird like that. And she's coming to the park in a couple weeks and has basically been calling me like,

Hey, do the deer still have their antlers? Do the deer still like Cheetos as snacks? To get them close. Yeah. She's basically insinuating that she is more than willing to now feed. She's basically said that she's going to like wrestle a deer the next time she's here, which is in a couple of weeks. And my question is, how do I stop my mom from eating?

basically feeding, capturing, wrestling a wild deer because part of my job is trying to stop this anyway. Easy. Easy. Go ahead. Well, first of all, if your mother wants to wrestle a deer, you got to let the old bird fight. I'm going to just jump in and say once again, we have different takes, which is what I love about this show. Keep going, buddy.

If that old dog wants to fight an old deer at a certain point, I would say, my mother who's listening, if Eve Johnson said to me, I'm going to go in the woods and fight a deer, you know what I'm saying? I'd go like this. Sorry for the deer community. Yeah, I would feel bad for the deer. I would go, you tell that big buck with his horns, you got another thing coming, fat boy. The deer's got an Eve tick. He's got... That deer is going to walk in confident, walk out a different animal. Woo-hoo-hoo.

She comes back with antlers on. He's dead. How old is your mother, Elaine? She'll be turning 50 this year. You said 50? Yeah. How old are you?

Yep. I'm 42. I'm 23. Okay. All right. I got to say, your mother's in the age range. Yeah, but I think as you said, Elaine, park ranger. Yeah, older. I put you older. 33. I was maybe a decade more. Okay. All right, yeah. So to hear, when you were talking about, you're talking about a 50-year-old lady?

That lady can kick. I'm 50. I can kick. I can punch. That's a 50-year-old lady, man. She's in the prime of her fighting years. Again, I'm going to push back, but I do think it gets a little more interesting. If she was 75 years old, 80, you protect those hips. Absolutely. You got a 50-year-old lady who wants to go in the woods and fight a deer? Yeah. Good luck. Yeah, find a little young one. But I have a real pitch for you, Elaine. Okay.

um and okay it takes a little bit of sneakery but the truth is we're your friends and your whole job is keeping people away from the deer and then your own mother's gonna give the goddamn deers cheetos it makes you look like a clown yeah it's crazy can't do that so here's what you do you find what is it called the deer shed you find yes your antler deer antler okay you find some antlers

You tuck them away. Okay. When your mom comes on the first day. This is good. You hide them. Then you take a hike. She discovers them. Easter egg it. You Easter egg it. She freaks out. You go, so it's actually full size. That's a full size deer shed.

She goes, I can't believe my luck. And then you go, let's celebrate and eat all these Cheetos. Yeah. Because now we don't have to wrestle a deer and feed it Cheetos. We got what you wanted. That is pretty good. I also feel like that's what Chester Cheeto would do. I have a different version. Jake's, I think, is better. First of all, there should also be a little bar opened in this park called the Deer Shed. I'd go there for a pop or two. I don't disagree. Thank you. I like that one. My pitch was going to be

If that is not feasible for some reason, a week before she comes out, you miss a call from her. You call her back six hours later. You had a crazy day.

One deer went ape shit on a person who had fed them. The family kind of got around and they just like ping ponged this poor woman back and forth. I like this. And it was a 50, 55 year old woman and it busted up. 49. 49 year old woman and it busted up her hips. She's real bad. The lady would never walk again. They had to chopper her to the hospital. It's bad. So there's extra scrutiny, but it's still exciting for your visit, you know, but we're going to have to be a little careful. That would be the ultimate.

pitch tears. I like yours better though because I think they can go together.

Okay, yeah. So, Elaine, as we're talking about this, are we entering a zone that you find attractive? Yes, I like stepping away from letting my mother actually fight a deer. You're into that. So, I'm liking the direction we're going. Okay, so you had to dig at me a little bit. At us. I didn't know. I mean, it was directed. So, you know what you just did? I was a little kid walking up with Cheetos and your deer kicked me in the face. That's very true. So...

Jake was so vulnerable. You just kicked at me. Jake wanted to be buddies. How are you feeling, Elaine? I mean, I don't like the stupid version, so let's figure it out. Okay. All right. Okay. I really like we're going in a direction that's not the worst idea I've ever heard by the biggest idiot. I have to go like, I can't even sell you. And I wanted to go, that was Garrett's idea. You so clearly hated it. So Elaine, here's where we're at. What do you think about the old Easter egg routine? Oh,

Yeah. I think that's possibly an option. Um, the issue is, is I have been looking for like deer antlers, like around the park and I've been having like an issue finding them. So I don't know, like, maybe it's not something you can get on Amazon, but maybe somewhere. I guarantee it. One of those like fish and tackle shops in Washington, they sell them. Uh, what do you think about the, what do you think about the lie?

I'm a pretty bad liar. Elaine, let me pitch you something. Okay. Let me pitch you something. Okay. You ever heard of Freddy Krueger? Yes. Yeah, thank God. And what do you know about Freddy Krueger? Isn't he scary, like Freddy Krueger? It feels like your list is short. What else?

Let me look. No, I don't want you to look. So what you know about Freddy Krueger is very little, but here's what all you do know about him. He's really scary, right? And when the kids would go to sleep, Freddy Krueger would haunt your dreams. And it just made sleeping scary. So maybe this is all we need. We need to create the Freddy Krueger of the deer community. And here's what I mean. Okay. I can't wait. You just plant the seed.

That there's one deer right now that is terrorizing people. You haven't seen it. You don't have to be- A Jaws deer. A Jaws deer. And you haven't seen it, Elaine. So your lie doesn't have to be big, but you go, mom, I just got to warn you. It's not rabies. They don't know what it is. But there is a deer right now and they don't know if it's a female or a male, but-

It's terrorizing people and it's very violent. So we're not making like a big thing to scare everybody, but we are being told very clearly to warn people to stay 20 feet away from deer. Most of them, mom, you're right. They'll eat corn out of your hand. You could do, you could pet them. They're like dogs.

Yep. But we have we have one Freddy Krueger out here. I think that's pretty good. I think if I think if it's word coming from the top that you can't do that. And if you create just the fear of the big buck and you don't know, it's either it's either a female or a male. Mm hmm.

But there is a violent deer. It just makes you look at the woods differently. And if you're if you have trouble lying, what you might want to do. I mean, again, we're just doubling down on the lie. You could fabricate a headline or something like that and send it to your mom and go, this is what I'm dealing with this week. Is this stupid? And don't just do it for the fun of doing it, because if this is stupid, I don't want to do it.

Is there any way we can create Nova? And I was meaning that word to Garf. Can we create like a little radio play? Yes. Yes. About the, I know you're just saying yes, because you want to do the voice, but we need, we need to make sure it's the right idea. I think it's like if we do a war of the world style and that you could send this to your mom and call him mother Bucker. Well, it's not from the 1930s. No, I know. We'll find it. That's where Kevin comes in.

That's not where Kevin comes in. It's where we all come in. It's where we come in. It's where we come in. I just want to be a part of the project. No, you just want to be the lead of the project. I'll do anything. I just want to be on board. I just want to run the project. I just want to be a big...

I just want to be a big part of it. I just want to be the star of it. And nobody else can be a part of it. I want to ruin it with a lady voice. By the way, starting that bit, I just want to be part of the project. And nobody interrupts me. You negotiate against yourself. I just want to be a part of the project. I just want to be a big part of the project. I just want to be the only one in the project. I don't want anyone else to talk. Everyone's fired. Close set.

All right. I just want to run the whole thing. I don't care if it worked. I just want to talk, talk, talk. Kevin, get out of here. You're done, kid. So, Alain, before we go down this road, because it might just be a waste, is there a world that we can connect this to

There is something that in your world you could justify that there was a report sent to you and you could send your mother this audio with an email saying, just as a heads up, this is being sent around in the ranger community. This is from like one of the head rangers. Ranger Danger Podcast. So that you don't. But the mom can't look it up. She can't Google it. Okay. So it's just sent to the rangers. Okay.

And so it would be a report and the start of it would be like, you know, like a lot of rainfall. It's a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then to transition into the, you know, it's like good morning, uh, Vietnam where then you hear like, uh, and other news, we need to actually send out a warning, uh, here. And then it's about this violent deal. We are pleased. We are keeping people away and in other nudes. And then it cuts off. Right. And, and,

You could send that to your mom with an email saying heads up about your trip. This is going around. We probably need to stay clear of the deer. You can do it via text or via email. Therefore, you don't have to lie. She just writes back. Ooh, scary. Thanks for the heads up. I like it. What do you, I know you like it. No, no, we like it. Uh, I,

Gareth is going to try to do multiple voices and then I'm going to have to say cut. Well, you should have said good morning, Vietnam. To be fair, if you wanted to keep me in the cage, you shouldn't have said good morning, Vietnam. Go ahead, Elaine. What do you think of that idea? In the good morning, Vietnam, I don't see you as Robin Williams. I see him as his replacement Bruno Kerr for that sequence. Jake, that's a hurtful thing to say. Come on. You don't mean that. I don't mean that. Well, I'm doing the joke voices too.

Why does everybody mad at me? I'm here to make him seem really good. What a great movie. Great movie. So, Elaine, is there a way you could justify that email? And if we nail this, would you actually send that to your mom? Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, I think so. Um, I could definitely make it look like it's coming from like my work. So you can figure out how to do that. From the park. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. Give me three buzzwords I can start with. So I sound official and then Gareth is going to interrupt and he's got info about the deer. And then I'm going to start talking. And once we get in there, it's going to cut off because the only thing that was sent to you was this thing about your mom. I just need terms. So I'm literally not saying like the mud is getting bad in the grassy area. Yeah.

Which is true, by the way. Mud's never been worse than the grass here. For sure. Okay. It is muddy. But we can go. There's mountains here. There's a lake. Like, tall standing trees. Picture a park. So those are... All right. Wow. Thanks, Elaine. All right, Jake. And whenever you're ready. Elaine, what is your role title? Ranger? I'm liking my first idea. Let's have your mom fight the thing.

Are you a ranger? Can I get specific things? Yeah, there's grass, there's air. What about sky? Do you have that? I don't know.

There's deer poo? Yeah, there's a lot of deer poo. Are you a ranger? Are you comfortable saying that? Yes, I am a ranger. So I can't give a good name. Your mom's not going to be able to figure it out. She's an old woman. She's 50, for God's sake. Here's what we're going to do, Elaine. And we're going to need your participation in this.

We're going to do one. Then we're going to stop and we're going to need your real notes if you're going to send it. The point of this is not for you and your mom to laugh at it.

The point is, is for your mother to believe that this is a real thing that Rangers were sent to you. And if there's an Easter egg in there that makes someone laugh, that's great. But the point is, we are trying to get your mom not to wrestle deer and give them Cheetos. Correct. So you, Elaine, we can't be the judges of this because we're going to be doing it. We need your honest take. Is that OK?

Yes. Okay, great. So we're going to start in three. Well, there's a lot of rain in the low mountain range. I just want everyone to take that extra cautious if you're hiking in the low mountain ranges. There is puddles. We've reports of tractors getting stopped. There was a Polaris that couldn't make its way out.

So if you are traveling near the lower mountain range, just be very careful of your vehicle getting stuck, of course. And Ranger Rick, before we keep moving, first of all, the rain, the precipitation also is in the higher elevations as well.

But what we've all been talking about this week is what some have aptly called the jaws of deer as far as we have a big buck who's running a bit of a terror. Well, I don't think we could say for sure if it's male or female at this point. We can't, but we would say some of the patterns make us feel like we're leaning male. But either way, it's very important over the next month or two until we can actually track what we're dealing with that...

Just make sure that none of the visitors of the park are getting anywhere near any of the deer. We couldn't recommend enough to please stay away from deer. There have been reports of kicks. There have been reports of broken hips. Well, this is the first time we've seen a deer that is maybe predatory. So there seems to be a bit of targeting going on.

So please spread the word that we're recommending 20 feet. And we always want people to steer clear of any of the wildlife, but we're just saying specifically for the rest of this year in particular, we just cannot be trying to engage in any way. We've also seen a lot of the rainfall is affecting the tree growth in the southeastern. Elaine? Elaine?

Yes. Yep. What do you think? That was, I liked it. That was good. I love the note about precipitation. We're getting quite a bit of that right now. Okay. So is this something that we will send you just that audio, you will send to your mom, you will send us the photo of the email and the screen grab, and then you'll send us all the responses for the follow-up with your mom on it?

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And we'll block out the news. I can do that. And I think, honestly, like, I get accused of making this show about myself a lot from Jake, but can we just talk about how grounded that performance was? Elaine, thank you so much for the- It was amazing. Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. That's all I'm asking for. It was great. I mean, we really did it. There was no silly voices. Can we do one more? Gareth, pretend I'm not being mean. Oh, great. Oh, great.

Okay. Yes, let's party. Anywhere you want. Okay. And then when we cuff off of this, Elaine, this is going to be the end of the call, and we're going to really ask for a follow-up. Okay. Okay. All right. We are noticing the rainfall in the southeast area near the- Jack, let me jump in, because once again, we are getting lots of scary, scary, scary readouts up here in Tower 4. We got him. He's the jaws of deer. We call him Mother Bucker. He is a beast. Mm-hmm.

A lot of people saying he's walking on his only back legs and six pack abs is what we're after. Look, we don't want to scare any people. So you just tell them to not feed the deer. Don't feed any of the wildlife. God damn it. But this guy is targeting. We're talking about I'm not going to be blunt, but I will say we have seen bites.

This thing seems to be some sort of rabid, wild deer. He's turning humans into venison as far as we could tell. And it is brutal. I saw a disemboweled child. I mean, this kid had been shredded. With your own eyes. Shredded with my own eyes. And then I've also seen pictures of other ones. But these kids are torn up. It looks like... Pictures of other ones. Listen, I don't want to freak people out.

But we're starting to think he's maybe taking the heads of people and using them as trophies. Wow. So we're talking about an animal now that is doing what we have done to the deer population for a while, and he's spinning it, and he's taking the heads of humans and possibly putting it on a wall or a tree as a trophy. I mean, this is some sick shit. Again, this is just for rangers, so let me be honest. We're dealing with some sick shit, okay? We are going to try to kill this son of a bitch.

We're gonna hunt him down and we're gonna kill him. We're gonna smoke him out, but until we do it's important that if there's anyone over 40 35 49 they cannot go anywhere near the vicinity of a deer strange ages You just did I'm just giving you a range that I think it looks I'm a Ranger. This is what we do Rangers range

Okay? Shut up. That was good. So we really need to make sure that people steer clear. There can be no chips, no snacks. Nothing can be fed to these guys because this guy is wild. He is a wild bastard. And he took the only friend that... My best friend Bradley was declared missing 48 hours ago. And all that I saw near where they think he was

There's a trail of blood that matches him. And I'm gonna bring down some revenge on this guy, even if it kills me. So just make sure to steer clear, okay? A doe, a deer, a female deer. Goodbye, everybody. So you'll have two options. Kevin will send both. Okay. Elaine, thank you for that. Bye, Elaine. Bye.

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Hello. Hello there. Clear that throat. It's showtime. You're on. We're here to help America's number one podcast. Nobody Google it. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. Can we get some information like your name, where you're calling from and rough age, something like that?

Yeah, so my name is Edna. I'm 35. I don't hear a lot of Edna's anymore. It's nice to hear. Yes, yes. Is that your real name, Edna? Edna, is that real? It really is. Okay. Beautiful name. How old are you? 75. I'm 35. Sorry, 35.

Yeah. And then calling from the Montgomery County, Bucks County area in Pennsylvania. Oh, lovely. Gorgeous. Don't really know it. But I will say there's a lot going on on this call, Edna, that I'm liking. Yeah. I'm liking your vibe. I'm liking your selling where you're from. Yeah. I'm liking that you give a real name. I got to tell you what this problem is not going to be, and that's your personality. Right. Or your ability to be honest with yourself and others. So where are we at here? Exactly. Now we're talking. So...

I'm definitely giving real information because I'm kind of excited about this call. I won't give the person I'm calling around name, but I just hope that people hear and are like, oh my God, because I'm a bartender. What you want the people in your community to know. I just think it would be really funny. I think so too. So let's start with this, Edna. What's the name of the bar you work at? Okay. So it's called Angelo's. It's an Italian restaurant. And what's the name of the town that Angelo's is in?

It's in Horsham. All right, Angelos. So if you're near... What's the city again, Jake? Horsstrom? Is that right? Horsham. Horsham. Horsham. Horsham? So if you're traveling through Horsham, Pennsylvania, go to Angelos for the best Italian food in Horsham. By the way...

It's the name of the town. I agree. Just earring it paired with food is not... I'll tell you what I don't want in Horsham is linguine. Horsham. I feel like I'm going to get like an equine burger in Horsham. I'm not looking for any sauces. Horsham. Give me a fucking turkey sandwich. You want mayo? Not from Horsham.

Want to try Horsham's special gravy? You want something to drink? If it's in a fucking can, my guy. And I open it in Horsham. We're joking. Everybody in Horsham who's listening, who's friends with Edna, relax. Kevin's telling us our Horsham numbers just tanked. We went from nine until to seven. All right. So you work at Angelo's. It's an Italian spot. The fake person's name is going to be what? Let's just get a fake name, Edna.

We're going to call him Chad. Chad. Perfect name. All right, so now you take over. We're going to stop talking. Gareth. No problem. Gareth. We're going to stop. The impulse is to talk for comedy timing, but I'll stop. Say that word again. Nope. Go ahead, Horsham. Are you there?

Still here. Okay, go ahead. What's the issue? Sorry, Edna, you're the boss. Okay, so Chad has been a regular at the bar that I work at since I've started, which was about five years ago. And in the last two years, we've had some incidences where, one where he just did not pay for a tab, but he got away with it because he's sort of friends with the owner, with the general manager.

And then most recently, a couple days ago, I was there with friends, kept me there about an hour and a half past closing time, which is supposed to be 9 o'clock. This is a nightmare. He wouldn't leave.

racked up a larger tab like there and the other couples that he was with they're all also regular so it wasn't like a big deal and like you know at the time I was like you know it is what it is I'll get some stuff done whatever um but then it goes time to close and his you know he racked up quite a large bill and just he asked me he said do you want me to

tip on the card or cash? And I said, you know what? It really doesn't matter anymore. Pennsylvania changed the laws. They can't charge us, you know, for a credit card fee. So you're good. You can do whatever you want to do. And he's like, you want cash, don't you? And I'm like, sure. Cash is great. And then he fills out the tab and he leaves nothing. And then they stay for like another 30 minutes. And then

Yeah, so it's just like, I'm sure maybe he had a couple too many. Well, I think he's drunk. He might have been a little drunk, you know. He was for sure, he's got a drinking problem. Yeah. His brain is mashed potatoes. Yeah. Exactly. So, but this isn't the first time. So, you know, I'm still a little salty from about like a year ago when he just didn't pay the tab at all, but the owner said it was fine. And then he just never really came back to like,

As far as I know, he never came back to pay it. Definitely never said, like, sorry. You're talking about a guy who's blacked out drunk, Edna. He has no memory. Do you think he's blackout drunk or an asshole? Or both? It's a little bit of a combination of both. Edna, I got to jump in for a quick second here because there might be a way with Chad and it might be something. So the other night, our friend Derek Waters, creator of Drunk History, threw a little party at some steak place near Burbank.

A bunch of people were there. We were with Eric Edelstein. What numbers are we talking? How many people? 12, 15. Okay, so it's a tight group. Yeah, I didn't get the nod, but okay. Yeah, I don't think you guys are buds, no? We follow each other on stuff, so. Oh, never mind. Be nice.

He's got a whole group of like boss and friends. They don't invite me to anything. That's facts. You know that. Okay, yeah. So the reason I tell this story, Edna, is not because I've had too much coffee and I talk too much. The reason I tell this story is that there's a point. What's the point? What's the point? Think fast. Drowning, drowning. Here's the point.

At a certain point of the meal, Eric said, everybody pay me cash and I'll pay the card. Great. What a hero. Right. And then you don't have to worry about it. Yes. And it's not annoying for the server. And so it was wonderful. So I looked at him the way I look at that guy and I go like, full love. God bless this asshole. So we all threw him money, blah, blah, blah. We're all talking. The night's going great. We leave. Eric and I were going back to Derek's and I said, you know what, Eric, let's be those guys and get a bunch of booze and bring it so that everybody can have some if they want.

Were more people coming to this event or it was the same group? No, same group. So you weren't picking up any new people at this point? No. Okay. We picked up a lot of your Emerson group members.

Evan was there. Okay, so that's an interesting detail. Isn't it? The entire crew of the dollop, Dave Anthony came. Oh, that's interesting. That seems crazy. No, super fun guy. Okay, cool. All right, keep going. Long story short, we're in a liquor store and we get a call from Derek. I get a call and he said, hey man, you just put me in a bad spot. And I said, why? And he goes, because you guys dined and ditched

and our other friend who was the hostess at the place said like nobody knows what to do but you guys walked out on like an $800 bill and so I go to Eric and I go hey Faco did you not pay and he goes oh my god brother what the hell but when I called him on it I go are you trying to sneak money he goes

I swear on my life, I have no memory of this. I thought I paid. So we went back and paid. So the reason I say that is there's a chance that Chad is not doing a move. He just, that first night didn't think about it. Then he thought he was giving you cash. He thought he laid it down. So I think we're entering a world, Edna, of a, when he first gets there, before that sweet nectar starts going down his throat, before he has his first drink. Are you okay? No.

That's a, yeah, okay. A way to describe alcohol? Sweet nectar going down your throat? How would you describe it? Go ahead. I don't want to stop you, but it's just. Was that a weird way of saying it? Well, it's just a weird way to make it a throwaway. Like that would be something you would tell a therapist. As a bartender, it sounds pretty accurate. Thanks, Edna. I also worked in bars and restaurants for a long time. And maybe I also have a drinking problem and I'm covering it up by pretending that that wasn't okay. And all I'm thinking about is vino. Go ahead, Jake.

Gareth is the silver spoons of our show. He's never worked. He's been getting spoon fed. So we're doing bar talk and he doesn't get it. What's a bar? You mean when my butler pours my appetizer? So Edna, don't listen to him. He's out of line. But here's what I would say.

I think you are entering a problem if you don't go head on with Chad. So I would say when he comes in, you lead out and you could do it in the old fashion of a mean joke where he goes, Hey, how you doing? And let me get a triple vodka, nothing in it. No ice, nothing. You go, I'm happy to do it, Chad. I go, you're going to pay this time because you're over to my king. Yeah. And he goes, what are you talking about? And you bring up the things and you have the numbers.

So he goes, I didn't pay that time. And you go, no, and you didn't tip. And then the other time you told me cash, you didn't pay. So you're right now in the hole to me, you know, 20% of all this I'm looking at, I'm down 180 bucks, Chadley.

Listen, you are you're Dennis Miller in the last the name a lot, which I like. What do you what do you think? And do you think he is? Because I think that's good advice. I think like if he doesn't remember, I think that's a good way to like like I think if I was in that position, I would be like, oh, shit, I fucked up and I would do it. If you think it's more malicious, I have a tactic to fight back in a different way. But what do you think? Do you think that's his headspace? He's just too drunk.

I don't. So it's probably a combination of him being a Chad. Like he definitely should have been born a Chad. And then partly, probably the booze doesn't help. Someone named Edna name shaming is excellent. Fantastic. Excellent. He's a total fucking Chad and you're a total Edna. Yeah. Take that how you want it. I'm definitely a Edna. By the way, that's a compliment. Yeah. And so that's why, yeah, I want to handle it.

Probably because I don't think he is malicious. Quick pause. Can I jump in for a second, Edna? And if this goes sideways, just move past where we were.

Do have you had somebody say your name in the heat of passion Wow like in an angry way no no in like a hot sexual way like oh blank Oh blank Oh Not usually it's usually always like our nickname Okay, you have nicknames for lovemaking. Yeah, but let's not get into that because we're gonna go to different But it's never brought us here fine. What are they hanging out in the city? It took me to

I'm just in Horsham or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, so we're in Horsham. We're at Angelo's. Ed, we're from Horsham. We're not loving the noodles, but we're chubby guys, so we're eating them. I'm not thrilled to spend $9 on a fettuccine Alfredo, but I'm drinking it like it's soup.

So nobody ever said you've never had a moment where it's like they say Edna in the throes of desire. No. OK. Respect. OK. OK. I could keep going, but I won't. OK. So, well, since it sounds like we've got a combination here. If you got a nasty if you got. Well, she said. Well, she said that the nicknames I'm like when you say nicknames, are you talking about nicknames that are specific to the couple or just like, oh, baby, like that sort of stuff? Yeah.

Yeah, just like, you know, like, oh, baby. Oh, baby. Yeah. Nothing exciting. Yeah, right. Nothing as exciting as Edna. I agree. Nobody's ever... Well, I'll tell you why, because if they say Edna, they're going to finish. Well, if they say... You can't... You know, the idea of, like, think baseball, think baseball. The opposite is say Edna. If you're looking to finish, it's go, God, I've been doing this forever. We got to finish. I got a tennis match in 15 minutes. Edna! Boom. Both of you are done. I also think that...

I also think that if I was next door and I heard someone go, oh, Edna, I'd go, someone hurt a hip. And I'd run next door to like help. Is the old woman okay? Did you put tennis balls on the walker? We can get her out of this. It is true. If I hear bumping and thrusting and a bed going, I'm kicking the door down. What does she need? How bad is it? Young man, stop hurting that old woman. Have her click her life alert. So here's the other move, Edna.

You know, if you go to a certain bodega and there was somebody who came in and stole, what they do is they put photos up

And they say comedically, do not sell to this man. He owes blank. I would consider making comedic signs of Chad, posting them around, make them black and white like it was a surveillance. OK, now you're pushing it. Really? Yeah. Well, I like that premise a lot. I think you might have to go as a first port of call to the owner and be like, look,

We're on like a fool me once, fool me twice situation here. What tactic can I take? Yes. Can I either. You got to go to the owner. Can I wear. Can I wear. Yeah, you got to go to Angelo. I'm sure he doesn't live in Horsham. He's probably collecting money from a city that has a better name. But Buffalo. Angelo. He's like he's Angelo. He's like upstate New York. Yeah. He's not from the city. Yeah.

Forget about it. Angelo's got his fingers all over Pennsylvania. In a gross way. Okay, but I... So I would maybe go to them and be like, hey, listen, you know, like, we got an issue. Can I put a picture of Chad up behind the bar? Comedically. Comedically. That says...

Wanted. Wanted. May not tip. Yeah, wanted. O's Edna money. $180. Do not trust this man. He says he'll tip and then leaves. Or what you do is. Right, Edna? Yeah, something like that. Or you could make a shirt for when he comes in that says something that's just like, Chad, don't forget. You know, you could have a little more fun with it. My other pitch would be if you want to fight a little bit of fire with fire and not confront him head on,

I would start watering the drinks down a little bit because there's nothing that will a keep him sober longer than watering down the drinks and maybe make him a little more upset. It might make him take the issue to you and be like, hey, this this vodka soda is like all soda and be like, oh, I'm sorry. Well, you didn't pay the last two times. So I'm just favoring the water right now just to kind of rebalance it. OK, so we're going to go to you now, Edna.

We've got straight up confront the man. He walks in. You can use the old tactic of a slight mean joke to make it fun.

But you're saying, hey, my man, you got to pay. Two, pics on the wall of this man has not paid. Do not trust. I would live in the world of playful. Three, a shirt or a hat that you could make on Etsy for cheap that says, hey, Chad, don't forget to pay your tab that you put on when he shows up. Four, water down his drinks to the point where he goes, there's no alcohol in this. And you go, you get what you pay for. Yeah.

Well, you got to pay for alcohol. You don't like to pay. You don't pay when you leave, so you get soda water. So, Edna, what are you going to do here? So, I love the combination of number four and number one. You're going to need to be more specific. That feels like it happened 30 times ago. That's why you take fake notes. Yeah. Yep.

So far, I drew a rainbow. Yeah. So just so you know, Edna, he scribbles on a notepad. And when you said one and four, he goes, how the hell would I ever know what that was? Because we have a notepad in front of us. Mine says lettuce and sparkling water. I believe I have a grocery list in front of me, to be quite honest. Okay. So Edna, one is confront and four is watered down. Yeah. So I think it's a realist fix.

The realistic option is, yeah, I like the confronting him with, like, a mean joke, because I feel like that's kind of up his alley, too. Yep, okay. I think he can handle it. And also, still watering down his drinks, just to, like, as a little, like, you know, just a little, like, not revenge, but also a little punishment. And also, you know, taking precautions, because it does seem like he gets drunk and makes terrible decisions. I love this.

But my dream scenario would be to do the sign. But we are like a nicer restaurant. So why don't you start? Yeah. I would say you're on the right thing. Let's start in phases. If that doesn't work, let's move on to phase two. Do we want to modulate the way that she confronts him a little bit? Because that could be a little prickly. Do we want to role play real quick? Yeah. Edna, you want to be Edna. Gareth, you want to be Chad? Sure. And I'll be or do you want me to be Chad so you can be Angelo? Oh, what do you prefer? Oh.

Oh, God. You could be Chad's amazing sweet wife. She's like an angel. Oh, Jake can be? Or I can be? Edna. Why don't you cast the play, Edna? Yeah, you got to cast us. So you're Edna. Who's Chad? Jake or Gary? Gareth definitely has to be Chad. You got him down. I feel like you know him. Yeah. You got Chad energy. Yeah. No, it's not what she said. She's not very versatile when it comes to acting.

No, I just mean like all the things you said about him have been so accurate. And I'm a great actor. Self-reliance now available on Hulu. Jake's great too. Thanks. And then who do you want me to be? You want me to be girlfriend? You want me to be Angela? Or you want me? Did I lose out on this job? No, you're not sensitive. I'm not sensitive. Girlfriend. Relax. You little actor. I'm not. I would love the fucking break. Jesus Christ. I quit. This is worship theater. Relax. Oh, fuck. Is Angela going to be there?

Nah, he won't be there. Then fuck it. Who gives a shit? I'm doing this for Chad and Edna. Okay, Jake, you've really gone full circle. I agree. Edna, so who am I? Am I his lovely girlfriend or am I Angela? You tell me. Yeah, you could be his lovely... You'll be Samantha. Her name's Samantha? Okay, here we go.

Alright, and now we're walking in, okay? Oh my god, it smells so good in here. That's why my shoulder's so sore. I can do one-arm push-ups, but I can only do about two to three. But the clap push-ups I can do pretty good. You're impossible. You just don't listen. You just do your own thing all the time. Hey, you want another candy cane? I got a bunch of them. I took them from the bank. So I can do what? Suck on them in front of you, you animal? What's up, Edna? Can I get a martini filthy like a pig? What do you want, Sam?

I would like a moment of peace and quiet, and I'd like you to do put that on her tab. I'm kidding, babe. Wow. Wow. Wow. Are you a good kisser? Yeah, I put it on her tab because maybe Samantha will actually pay. I know you're right. Well, wait, well, what's that feels like? I don't like the two women have aligned in front of me.

That scares me. And what was that about, Edna? I didn't pay. I always pay. You look great, girl. You're fierce. Oh, you know, Chad. You know, you just sometimes you have one too many Ketos and you forget to tip or pay. Sometimes both.

First of all, thanks for ignoring Samantha's dig at me because that will incline her to do it less. Wait, I didn't pay? When did I dig at you? When did I not pay? When did I dig at you? Sam, one second. Last week. You don't remember last week? Yeah, I do. I came in. I thought I paid. Didn't I say I was going to give you... Did I not give you that cash tip? He didn't.

No, you never did. I just assumed maybe you'd come back and say sorry. That is my bad. That is my bad. I've been so focused on this CrossFit competition I have coming up. Oh, yeah. When are you going to start training? All right. Besides talking about it. All right.

And scene. I think that's, well, Edna, it says a lot that you wanted out on the role play for Jake and I. That's tough to hear, obviously. So when are you going to work out? You're out of character. Drop it. Because you've talked about it a lot. And also in our relationship, I do give to you way more than you give to me, Chad. What are you talking about? I told you once the competition's over. Last night when I gave you oral sex, you didn't return the favor. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. You said you would. I hurt my jaw doing box squats. Blackout. Okay.

Okay. So what you just got there, Edna, was a life lesson. Yeah, and a bonus scene. I think that's pretty good. I think that seems like the right amount of ribbing. I think Chad, the guy who played Chad was awesome. I think he should be working more. I think he works plenty. I don't think he works enough. Edna, where are you at? We've gone down a wholesome rabbit hole. I think that this could go well. I think that this has given me the confidence I need to just come run him.

And doing it with humor, especially like, you know, a little like insulting humor, I think is perfect. Okay. So I think that's right. And then I think honestly, if, if it goes sideways, no, I'm actually looking up some Horsham facts. Um, we're getting out. We're at 21 minutes. It's an exceptional place to raise a family. Uh, apparently, um, I would do that. And if it goes South, you can just play this podcast for the owner and be like, these two dickheads gave me the wrong advice. Yeah. So Edna, good luck. Will you follow up what happens with Chad? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Thank you so much. And now we got to get out of here really fast. So I have a trick to get us out really fast so we can end this. Goodbye, Edna. Sorry about that.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This follow-up is from the first call of episode 59 called Spraying Mess. It is from March 7th. So if you want to check that out before listening to this, go for it. Enjoy. Hey, how's it going? Hey, welcome back.

Well, thanks for having me back, guys. You're welcome. Who are you and what did you call about? What's your follow up? We have no clue. So just the key. OK. Yeah. My name's Connor. I called about living with senior citizen roommate. My mother, my mother listened to this one and loved it. She was so invested.

I'm glad to hear that. So you basically have a place where you're sharing space with some seniors, and one of the seniors is kind of...

is a very he's taking over the space yeah and uh and kind of you're in florida and you were what 24 years old but i remember you didn't party your party was like two coronas or something like that yeah yeah wow you guys got a good memory yeah all right so so that part of your and this was one where we really did what was the advice on this garth because i remember this was like

fight fire with fire. I think we said... Oh, it was like kill the hostage or something in Sydney, I remember. Well, I think we started with... I think we said try to form a united front with the other person in there. What was her name? Wendy or something? Barbara or something? Cindy. Cindy. It was Cindy. Roger and Cindy.

Roger and Cindy. So we said sidebar with Cindy. Yes. And go for that. And then I think maybe we... What did we land on? Did we land on the idea that you kind of... To make Roger's life miserable. Yes. To work out in the living room. Work out in the living room. Be very... I think the advice was out Roger, Roger. Yes. Connor. Yes. Walk us through what happened. I think we settled on...

smoking him out. And then if not, it would go to Cindy and they'd like try to form the front front with Cindy and just force Roger to get out of there. Well, I'm dying. What's happening? You're edging us. Yeah. So I, the attempt to smoke him out was not very smoky. He did not really get bothered by it. What,

What did you do exactly? Walk us through. Because if you tried to smoke him out the way you parted, he might not have even known you were smoking him out. Yeah, he might not have known you were there. I tried to smoke him out. I turned my TV volume at a 38 rather than a 33. I used the dimmer switch, put it pretty bright, not all the way up. I made it very bright. And then I took the light bulbs. They were 14 volume. I made them 18 in the bathroom. It's way too bright. It's way too bright. Yeah.

With the white walls, it's uncomfortable. Oh, it's very high. It's tolerable, but barely. Roger likes a soft toilet paper. I did two plies harder. Still soft, but not quilted, baby. I'm not going to go insane. Enjoy that, Roger. Perhaps it'll be a little less comfortable for you, Rog. The subtle hemorrhoid, I call it.

So, Connor, how did you smoke this maniac out? What did you do? So I started doing things like go out there, start going on FaceTimes or phone calls on speaker, just trying to let my presence be known. Okay.

And it seemed like he couldn't even hear it. By the way, that's an issue. It is. Yep. Yep. There needs to be a lot of smoke. Yeah. I went to go to Cindy and he wasn't there. But hold on. Hold on, Connor. So all you tried to do is smoke him out was make calls in the living room.

That's right. What else, Connor? Well, here's the thing, guys. Talk to us. I am trying to work through this story because the story gets so much better in the second half. Okay. All right. Sorry. Go, baby. Go, baby. Yeah. So the whole point is like, so I tried to make this front with Cindy. Cindy's not there. Lo and behold, I go to Roger. I say, do you know where Cindy is? He goes, I have no idea. We find out she's been gone for three days. She left in the middle of the night.

From this, Roger and I form a friendship, and it goes great for however long he stays there. When he parts ways, he gives me 100 shark teeth, and we call it a day. Sorry. No, Jake, you hold on. He gives you a—was there any—had you talked about shark teeth, or was this—has he sort of seceded from Florida, and he's kind of come up with his own currency? Yeah.

He's like, here's next month's rent. I think Shark Teeth is the currency down in certain parts of Florida. It's certainly a Jimmy Buffett restaurant you can pay with Shark Teeth. Can I get two burgers and fries? That'll be none Shark Teeth. That'll be 31 Shark Teeth.

He, we had mentioned, because he would go like during his time in the morning, he'd be like, yeah, you know, I went to the beach and got these shark teeth. I was like, oh, sweet. And so then when he left, he just gave me all these shark teeth. Yeah, I just got a bunch of shark teeth. I thought, you know, it was pretty neat.

He then after that, he left. I thought I had the house to myself. Less than five hours later, my next set of roommates come in. Oh, so we're replacing Cindy. And now so we don't know what happened to Cindy. Why she left like a thief in the night. That just happened. Not a clue. Not one bit. We don't. OK, so now you have two new people coming in. Let's go.

And so their names are, so instead of it being senior citizens, these guys are, they are foreign citizens. They are immigrants who have come over. One is Mexican. His name is Roberto. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He has nine fingers. It is incredible. Connor, you're living a wild life.

jesus is incredible roberto so we got roberto who's number two by the way the other one no yeah here the other one is maria she is from russia and roberto and i we think she stinks she is terrible a terrible roommate wait as a person or literally smells bad

No, just as a person. How do you communicate with Roberto if there's no English? Not through sign language. How do you do it? He's got some basic, like he knows some regular T phrases. Which are shark teeth. Like, hello. I don't think he really knows my name, to be honest. Like he tried. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Connor, Kevin just wrote in our group chat.

uh you should get him babble babble which is one of our sponsor that we love and we would highly recommend you both should use babble absolutely you know what we might do connor we're going to talk to babble about sending you guys through them a subscription to babble to figure out how to communicate and then maybe if you guys are as a follower oh my god yes this

If we can have. Oh, my God. Oh, good Lord. Babel just popped champagne at their HQ. Will you try to get on that and see if we can do it? And if we can, we'll do a follow up with Roberto and Connor. And see how Babel's working for him. So back to you, Connor. Yeah, go ahead.

So, well, our main form of communication, we figured out a way, our own bartering system, because he'd make all this real deal Mexican food almost every night. And I get some of that Mexican food. And in return, at the end of each week, I buy him a queso modelo. You got a wonderful thing. It's a great deal. You and Roberto have a real budding friendship here.

Oh, yeah, it's pretty great. And then Maria came along and it's just been it's just there's been an energy in the house. It's just well, so she came in. I like you a lot, Connor. I'm just going to say you've made my you've made my morning a lot better. It's not only like you, but I love your predicament. You live and you mean you are really living. I got to say, I got to say, Gary.

Connor's a great guy. I mean, Roberto's a great guy. We got this thing. But then frigging Maria came in from Russia and she's stinking up the joint. Yeah. Well, he's just sort of like. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not. Yeah, he's got a hundred shark teeth around his neck. And he's like, and Cindy.

She's dead. Yeah, Cindy. Cindy obviously evaporated. She's been murdered. She has been murdered. She's in somebody's old old. She's in a trunk of an Oldsmobile down in like. Down in Miami. I hired a P.I., but it almost he needs 400 shark teeth. But the P.I. is going to be Conor's next roommate. He's 65 years old. He's trying to break it. He's got a drinking problem.

So, Connor, so you and Roberto have this beautiful relationship. Falling in love with this relationship. So you and Roberto, soft dating. Now, walk us through the Maria of it. I mean, Gareth, in every project I've ever done, I've written Roberto as my side character. This is without question true. It's a wonderful dynamic. I'm trying to think of one more you have.

There's always a Roberto. We don't communicate in English at all. He's got nine fingers, but he's an amazing chef. And he goes with me most places. Yeah, we become best friends. So give us some specifics on the Maria issues, if you could. The first day she comes in, it's around dinner time. And as someone, if you remember, I said I was down here on an internship. And so I've got a small budget, and I'm a big pasta eater. Like eating pasta. Yeah.

and I'm getting ready to make some dinner. But walk me through. Okay, so you and Roberto have this really nice thing. You're eating great food. You're giving him beer. By the way, fair trade, well played. I like how you're doing that. Love it. And Marie comes in with this fucking stank attitude. Yeah. From Russia with hate. How are you and Roberto getting rid of her? Well, that's what I'm calling you guys about, but

Well, we're going to give you the same advice. You got to out Roberta, Roberta. I mean, you got to kick rocks. You got to out Marie Marie. What is she doing? Connor? What, what, what is Maria doing? That's so crazy. I got three things that just sent me over the edge here. First one. I came back for dinner. I'm trying to eat some pasta.

I'm looking for the strainer in the house. Strainer is nowhere to be seen. Where is the strainer? She sees me looking and goes, Oh, are you looking for this? She has turned the strainer into her own personal fruit bowl. And when she did that, she's like, do you want it back? And I said, yes, yes, I would like that back. Yes, please. I need that strainer. Good. Well, the reason you do it for a fruit bowl is you can water them all at once, put it right in the sink. I've done it. Continue.

All right. Second was I, um, it was a weekend day, went out, came back in and, uh, I guess, I don't know if she thought she was home alone, but she's out in the kitchen making some food. And again, they're not as old as, uh, Roger and Cindy, Roberto and Maria, but they're also pushing 55. And she is, uh, she's in the kitchen just in a towel.

Just straight from the shower. Are we talking under armpits or just waist? It's got to be under armpits. She can't be letting those... I feel like we would hear that detail. Yeah, I mean, you got to lead out with that. That is a top of call problem. My roommate...

cooks pasta with her breasts out and I don't know what to do that is a top of call that's we're going straight to Patreon live she just she's out there though and we're talking and she's not she has no problem doing nothing and I'm holding my ground I'm like who's gonna break first here

Who's going to talk about it? Who's going to bring it up? And who did, Connor? What happened? How did you get out of that situation? No one brought it up. She's like, you know, I got to go back to my room. I was like, okay. You do you, Maria. And I was like, what's going on? And anyway, though, the best one. Here we go.

The best one was I came home from work and she meets me at the door and she goes, hey, you work at this place, right? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, well, that's really convenient because I have a colonoscopy appointment tomorrow at about like two minutes from where you work. And my car broke down and where we live.

I don't know if I can get an Uber in time, like I can reserve it. So can you drive me to the colonoscopy? And I said, Maria, sure thing. I'll drive you to this colonoscopy. And, uh, we get there or we're driving. It's a painfully awkward car ride there where she's telling me about why she needs to get this colonoscopy. And, uh,

At the end of it, the end of the day, I come back from work. She's back home now. She's telling me about like, oh, how thankful she is for this, for me taking her to a colonoscopy. And I'm like, yeah, no problem. And then she takes a deep breath and she's like, I'm sorry, but what's your name again? Fuck. Jesus. She did that. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Hey, Connor, would you write a book, my man? I'll write the foreword for it. Let's see what we can do with you. That's a great short story. And so, Connor, we're in a situation here where you're living with a maniac again. And is the question on this follow up, how do we get rid of Marie?

Well, we don't have to go that extreme, I'd say, but if there's a way that we can figure out how that she can start acting with some roommate etiquette, that would be great. If we can't figure that out, though, I'm always down for how Roberto and I can get her to a new Airbnb or something. I don't think this is a fight fire with fire. I don't think this is an out Marie, Marie. I think this is a good old case of

Sometimes you're in a bunker and your enemy's in a bunker and you're fighting for a line in the middle and you just got to wait it out. She's going to disappear in the middle of the night like Cindy. So I would say water the flower that is the relationship with Roberto. Look, you could you could always you could always just for the fun of it.

Try to out Marie Marie, start walking around in a towel. You could try to use her stuff as you know, like her strainers, but that doesn't really work. You could ask her every day what her name is, but I don't think you're going to make a dent in this one. The issue with someone who is kind of that,

lacks inhibition on that level is that it's a hard one to fight fire with because she likes fire. Yes. So what only thing I could think of would be is if you could find someone to maybe replace her to try to get into that living situation that you have vetted in your actual life. If there's someone who's also an intern that you work with or if that's any way to. He doesn't want a normal intern in there.

Connor, you're running a circus out of this. You like the freak show, Connor? Is that what's going on? I don't know if I like it, but it is fun when every day I get to have a story to tell my parents. There you go. We got to jump off, Connor. Here's what I'm truthfully asking. Will you call back in three months and just...

The update is just simply what's happening. Kevin, let's start calling Connor's follow up with with Connor. Just what's up with Connor's roommates and Connor's corner, Connor's corner. And then you want to just have a corner of our show, Connor, where you just call in and give us some quick updates. We don't advise. We just thank you.

Okay. Yeah. And the Babbel play with Roberta would be awesome. Yeah. So we're going to contact you with Babbel and we're going to see if we can make that happen. And Connor, we appreciate you. And I mean, this, you're, you're living a hilarious life, man. I appreciate you. Promo code shark teeth. Thank you, Connor. Thank you. All right, guys.

Hello again. This next part is a reference to the Rick Glassman episode from Monday. So if you want to listen to that first, you can. But I think you'll get it too. Enjoy. Hello. Hey, Dad. Yeah. Hello. Hey. Are we on? Yeah, yeah. You're here, Dad. This is your father? One second. Nick's texting me. Nick is my brother. Nick is my brother. One second.

What is going on with Milwaukee? You're talking about the tickets. I kind of emailed you this. You got the 10 tickets. Those seats are not, they don't seem together, but they are actually all together. So you don't need to worry about the Milwaukee. We don't have to all come at the same time.

Well, I think it would be great. I I'm not let's let's not talk about this on air. Let's talk about this off air. So this this is Gareth's father. I mean, so in reality, why are you calling? Well, hold on. I mean, I missed some of this. But Gareth's dad, is that you? Well, I'll let Gareth take this one. No, no, no, sir. You came in about tickets.

You sound like Rick. You sound like Rick. Similar to a former guest, a recent guest, not former. Right. I mean, how did the actual audio quality sound? Good. It sounded great. Way better than my dad. Take your shoes off podcast. Yes. And I'm using proper podcast microphone for this call. Kevin, are you sitting down? Mr. Glassman, Mr. Glassman, you texted Gareth and I this morning. Oh.

I texted you last night saying I just heard the episode and it was hilarious. And it was hilarious. Yes. That's not all you said. What else did I say? You were just singing my praises. I was. Yeah. I think you're very funny. Very funny. I'm a great guest. Yes. Oh, please. We don't need to talk about this now. No, no, no. So, so, okay. Well, I said your episode is tomorrow. Just listened. You're so funny, man. Thank you for doing it. You really cracked me up.

And then we talk, I appreciate that. You're very welcome. Then we talked about, uh, you're in Cleveland and then today you were very, my arms tired. Yep. That was your joke. Yep. Then today you were very kind and you posted about it before I posted about it even, which I appreciate. And then you sent a, uh, a screen grab from, I believe it was a YouTube comment. Is that correct? Rick?

I'm trying to find it. I think the, we're the veils off. So we should probably stick to it. Then you had written, uh, can I read this Rick? Do you mind? I don't remember what it was. I was probably drunk, but go for it. What happened to Rick? Why was he only on half the episodes? This is the comment. I'm so disappointed. And Rick said, I'm over here wondering the same thing. So I then was trying to remember that day. And I remember that Rick was late.

Because Kevin runs a pretty tight ship. Yes. I was under 10 minutes late. So I wrote, you were late and we lost the time. You wrote, I was nine minutes late. Sorry about that. And I wrote, it was per the Cav man. Come on back on. Let's do a full session. And we, so you're calling in. Well, then hold on. There's one more thing, Rick.

Just because this is our first follow-up to a guest. Yes. It's the first time a guest has called in with a problem. Let's give us all a round of applause for that then. Okay. Jake's not clapping. So then Rick. Jake, Jake, you clapping? I clapped. He clapped a bunch. I clapped. So then you would send another screen grab.

that you had said to kevin about running a little bit late you said three to five minutes late by the way and he said no sweat and you wrote if he had said some sweat i would have rushed some more so then i said let's turn this into a positive big daddy let's do it part two and we decided you were going to call in today the floor is yours rick well first let me just say big fan of the show

This is literally first time caller, but not first time on the pond, which is interesting. Yeah. Well, and so I had a little bit of a shoulder procedure. I was running a little bit slower and I gave a check in. I gave a 30 minutes beforehand check in basically seeing, hey, is it cool if I come a little bit late? If not, I'll you know, I won't do whatever the thing I was doing. You know, I could. What was the thing you were doing?

I had just gotten out of the shower and struggled to wash my hair, so I wanted to take my time as I was putting on my shirt and stuff. But I didn't, you know, I could have rushed it a little. Okay. But you just had shoulder surgery. His hair was wet when he came in, if I remember. I agree. Now, if I rushed it a little, I'll be honest with you, there would be some sweat, and that would be fine. But I was directed no sweat. So that's kind of why we're...

So that's what this is. Let me take some responsibility. I was the one who was late. I'm not saying there's any wrongdoing there. But also, Rick, I was late today. And what happened? They started a call with us. Kevin said we start the show now. I got to say this, Rick, about our man Kev. And I will say it's something I really like about him. And I agree with his decisions. You know what happened when I showed up today, Rick?

You guys were already going? They were in the middle of a call with a lady named Reba who wanted to do pranks, and I was in a bad mood about pranks, and I was mean to Kevin about it. Isn't that true, Kevin? It's 100% true, Rick. But the Garf Man saved the day, Rick. Yeah, well, I know that I had a feeling that you were late because I was told to call in at a certain time, and I was on hold for a while. But that's what show business is. That's not true. We weren't keeping it. Well, we did say noon, and it was probably like 12.09. To be fair, I believe we were nine minutes late to Rick.

So, Rick, I think we wronged you. And how do we solve this? How do we go ahead? Before we go on solving it, I'd like to finish. I'd like to be seen. Agreements. Okay. So I'm a firm believer that people pleasing isn't pleasing people. It's avoiding your own discomfort, Kevin. Now, if you want to appear. He said Kevin after is the best part. Oh, yeah. Okay.

You're fucked. If you want it to come across as, Hey, Rick, no big deal. Show up when you show up, but not tell me, but we're going to be starting without you. And we're not going to be able to use as much of this as we would like to. I would love to have had that information. Kevin, Kevin, I'm here.

Why no sweat? Why? Why? No, no. It's so definite. Well, I think I didn't put into consideration. There was also like six minutes of off mic chat at that point. There was like now we're starting. You did have a tea or something showing up. There is some trouble. He was there when I got there. It's true. Yes, it was. I looked at I looked at my text messages. I saw when I walked in.

I was under 10 minutes late. Well, look, Rick, I think... I hear Arity saying there's some grievances. Of course, and I think it's fair, and I think, you know... One second, girls. Let's get started without me. I'll be up soon. Say no sweat. So what I will say, Rick... No sweat. This is our first time on the show where there's beef. Yeah.

- No, this is a first. I mean, it's not a feud. - Well, Kevin looks pissed. - There's tension. - Kevin looks pissed. - I think the best way, well, Kevin thought my dad was calling in and now, you know, this is full intervention. - But one quick question for the Kev man. So you did start today before I arrived. - I did.

I do personally like that you run a tight ship. We've done that to Gareth in the past. We did an ad against him. Yep. So there is something. There's a track record. There's consistency. We have also, Rick, in Kevin's defense, we have asked him when we were talking to guests to interrupt us at time with the caller. Mm-hmm.

I think that's great. I have no problems with you guys starting on time. I just would have liked to have known, hey, Rick, show up when you show up, but we're starting without you. Interesting. So what it was for him was the no sweat. Yeah.

And I think there's a fine line between making someone not feel bad and maybe not acknowledging the reality. And I think that and I would not put this all on Kevin. We are a team here. No, no, no, no, no, no. Not all at Kevin at all. Yeah. And in fact, I'd say very little on Kevin. Sure. So who's your beef with?

There is no beef on my end, but I just wanted to be able to do, I came over there. I would have liked to have done two segments. Okay. I wasn't able to. Hold on, hold on. Rick, then I got to say something else because I will say this. Girls, girls, please just get started without me. No sweat. No sweat. So here's what I will also say. And this is to all of our guests.

Some guests we've had one call, some we've had two, some we've had three. Some we just, and you're going to get really mad at us after this one, Rick. But Rainn Wilson came on and we ended up having like a 30 minute chat with him about his career. We didn't have any chat with you besides Hannah Simone and Gina Rodriguez have diarrhea. Well, all women do. And listen, I'm not upset by this. But the point, Rick, can I say something to you for one second, please? Yeah. And hold on one second. Girls, start without me.

Sorry about that. Here's what I know. Sweat. Here's what I need to say to you. We're just trying to figure this fucking thing out, man. We're not, we don't know what we're doing. So did we wrong you? Yeah. Do we regret it? No. Yes. Have you become a goddamn friend of the show? Yes. Yes. Maybe our, maybe.

Maybe the best friend of the show. I still got to go with a little more for me. I got it. I have to. But still, we're talking. We're tight. Yes. But you are becoming you are a real ally and friend of the show. And were you treated with the respect that you deserve? Here's the truth. No. Have some of our other guests who've been friends of the show been treated that way? No. Yeah. We don't know what we're doing. Some people, we would get them in and out in 20 minutes. Now we're sitting and talking for 20 minutes. It's an evolution, Rick. We don't know what we're doing yet. Hold on one second.

Ladies, just start. Yeah, we got the same thing over here. Just touch yourselves. I'll be up soon. Oh, I'm not doing a porno. You're doing a porno? Well, he's having a... You just said touch yourselves. Sex. Not all sex is porn. Yeah, that's true. I'm always in my business. Yeah, Jake views all sex as porn. But Rick, what Jake's saying is true. And I think, listen, we hear you. We want to do a make good on this. We would have wanted to have you back anyway. But I think this definitely puts the clock on it.

Let's make an official offer to please have you back on for two calls and a chat at the end where we will discuss. Dare we call it Rick Glassman Day?

Glassman Day. And can we call the chat afterwards the glass? I like that. Breaking the glass ceiling? I like that. What are you going to say, Rick? Oh, I do actually. I do like that a lot, actually. But I have... There's an order of operations that was lost here that I just want to clarify before we let you guys go. And we're going to let you guys go. And girls, let me up there in a moment. Yeah. No sweat. What I'm trying to say is

I saw that like, oh, why didn't we see two comments? I'm like, yeah, two segments. Like, yeah, why not? I asked, just looking for information here. Wasn't feeling wrong. Just like, what's the difference? What's the workflow here? Why sometimes one, why sometimes four? What's going on? When you then replied, oh, you were late, my thought is, I wasn't even 10 minutes late. The segment's going much longer than that. It could have been a short segment. Then, no.

Then it became unclear to me because like, Oh, I, I, I had this conversation with, with Kevin already. I said, I was going to show up a little late. He said, no sweat. I didn't feel wronged. I didn't feel beefed. I was curious about workflow. Yeah. This all is about workflow. Right. I don't think it's about workflow. No, I think you had it. And at the end you did a, you transitioned. I think what this is about is,

You asked a fair question and I got to be honest, I just gotten off the Peloton. I did a little workout with Olivia model. Oh, very intense. Yep. I saw the thing. Rick, you're a man who texts a lot and you text fast. And if you miss one, you're 30 behind. And so I saw the text and I wanted to respond right away.

And I was remembering the day and I remembered we had a full day that day with a different guests were coming in different colors. And I wrote, if I remembered correctly, I remembered the whole bit with the tea. And I remembered the whole, you came in late and your tea had a, of your show. Yep. And I remembered. Wednesday nights at eight 30 ABC. Also on Hulu all the time. Um, and I remember the episode was very funny and fun, but I remember Kevin had a full day. He had a full day. And I'll tell you what,

Sometimes I ride him a little bit and I'll make sure, make sure these calls are good. If they're bad, I mean about it. And I tease him.

And so sometimes, sometimes I think I put them in a corner and is the reaction time is it's got to be going. We got to go. We got another one. Rick call was 30 minutes. That's good. Because before we were experimenting with one call and then one of just Garf and I, because other comments, Rick, where it's all the guests, where are the guys? It's true, Rick. I appreciate that. Kevin, I got a question. That corner that Jake puts you in, what's it like over there? Temperature wise, is it hot? It's very hot. Any sweat? It's cooking over here.

Rick, there are a few people in the waiting room. I hate to address the elephant in the room. Hey, Rick, can we please have you back on for a Rick Glassman day where we actually show you some goddamn respect? What do you guys think? Girls, what do you think? We can't hear them, just so you know, so it doesn't sound... Yeah, they're coming. Oh, well, they've been at work for a while. It was a pleasure...

Hey, I got to say, Rick, Kevin's about to do it again. He's going to have this. And we're going to start the cycle, my friend. We got to go now. Shoes Off Pod, great podcast, great episode on our show. This isn't about plugging. More to come. I know it isn't, but I'm not making it about that. But more to come. And it's not about doing a make good. We always wanted you back, but now let's make it a little more special. We're going to do it soon. You know, it was just Purim, and you saying more to come makes me think of Mordechai.

We can talk about Esther and Mordecai when I come on in. I think that sounds great. And if you'd have us back, we would love to come back on yours. Yeah. Whatever works. I would love to have you. All right. Bye, Rick. Thank you for the call. And you guys could show up a little late. Talk to you soon. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.