97: The Deep End with Justin Long
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And we are

We're back, Jake. Like it or not. Our guest today is fantastic. So fantastic. It's not even worth really belaboring over it, but he is not only great on our show, which you're going to hear in a second, but he really is. Like you talk about it in the post-game interview. Yes. So talented and has done so well. Listen to the, if you're somebody who just likes the calls and don't really listen to the chats, listen.

We recommend really listening to this chat because he gets so funny and you really get a sense of how great this human is. But it's Justin Long and Justin played Ginslinger on New Girl and season one. He just let it rip in a way that I didn't know it was possible. And I think he changed the show for the better. I think we all realized, oh, we can just really go for it.

And I think he deserves a lot of credit for the fun of that show. And I think he's a great actor on the calls today, too. There's a lot of acting. He also has a podcast, which is a very popular podcast. But if you haven't listened to it, Life is Short with Justin Long. But it's a joy to have Justin. I just love being around. He's cracking everybody up. And thank you guys for listening and sticking with us. Thank you. Without further ado.

Hello. Hi. Can we get your name, please? Hi, guys. I'm Marzaline. Marzaline? Marzaline. Okay. What a cool name. And where are you calling from? I'm calling from Anaheim, California. Anaheim. Okay. Nearby or neighbor? Nearby. And about how old are you? I'm 25. 25? Great. Great. Lovely. So did you ever watch New Girl?

Absolutely, I have, yes. Do you remember Jess's first big boyfriend? Who was, I believe, a clown? Yeah. I think he was a literal. He did that for a living. Do you remember Genslinger? I do remember Genslinger. Justin Long is here on the bottom! Hey, Marceline. Oh my god, hi!

- Gens. I can get a lot. - The Gens. - After it was, people just say, "It's Genslinger." - It's Gens, yeah. - Gens. - We talked about Gens for years. - Yeah. - The Gens. - Yeah. - So the floor is yours. - Mercedes Gens. - I really wanna say your name. I'm really bad at names. I know I'm gonna mispronounce it. Do you mind if I nickname it to Mars?

Yeah, go ahead. That's totally fine. Do your friends call you Marz? Marzelline? They call me Marcy. Marcy. Marcy, the floor is yours. Talk to Brian, Nick, and the Genslinger. That's right. Three stars, a new girl. I was on one of the episodes last week.

So I was hoping you guys could help me with this weird issue I've been having with my boss since the beginning of my employment. And I just kind of want to start by saying he is a good boss. I don't have any bad feelings about him. He's a good boss who really cares about his employees. Marcy, let's give him a name really fast.

Yeah, sure. So his name's Alan. Alan. He has a name. Well, there we go. Now we know him. Yeah, so him being a good boss is why I don't mind some of his weird quirks. So his weird quirk is that his personal email is also his work email. And so we see everything. Oh. I don't understand it. Wait, what do you mean? So you all have access to his email? Yeah.

Yes. And so we're a law firm, so it's really important that we see all of each other's emails just for organization purposes and stuff like that and filing. And he uses his work email to talk to like his family and to talk to like his doctors, which is fine. But then I started seeing his dating profile. Oh, this treasure trove. I agree. This is going to be a winner. But before we start, Marcy, just because I'm a little confused.

So at a law firm, your work email is open to everybody? Is that unusual? So if the three of us worked together, I would be able to see everything Justin and Gareth emailed?

Yes, because we're all CC'd automatically. He programmed it that way so that we don't miss anything for our log. So everything he sends out, you get access to. Wow. Because he only has one email, whereas most people have a personal email. There's something very honest about it. Or he made a little mistake.

And he didn't realize everybody's seeing all this. He must not. I think this is a little mental error. Especially his dating profile. How old is Alan, just so we know? Sixty.

Alan is 69 years old. 69. Do we say anything about that? Well, I mean, I think the, you know, obviously we're all picturing. Okay. Yeah. But we're picturing face on. Go ahead. But I will say this. So it's not a surprise he's over 60. This is a mental error. Yeah, I think so. Emails just started for this fucking guy X amount of years ago. He already had a full career. Or is he a gentleman who has nothing to hide? I mean, you're Marcy. The floor is yours.

Oh, sweet God. Oh.

Oh, boy. It was the eggplant emoji, and I was like, no. There's no fucking way he's sending himself a video about his dick. But it was a video of, can I enlarge my... Oh, my God. I can't call it. Yeah. Can I enlarge my eggplant? He's an horticulturist. Yeah. He's a gardener. He's looking for robust foods.

He wants fertilizer for his eggplant. This is really embarrassing for Alan. I'm so glad you used a fake name. Alan is not a voyeur. He's not doing this on purpose. Well, at least we know it's an accident now. He's looking into self-improvement. Siri, make my dick big. So, Marcy, what else have you seen? Siri.

There was one where he sent pictures of himself, appropriate ones, thank God, to a woman for his dating profile and talking about how attractive she is and all that. He has a girlfriend. Good for him. He just wants a bigger dick.

We all do, Alan. I agree. I'm like, oh, God, if you saw my Google search. All right, Jake, let's keep it on the path. How do I put my small dick in my big butt? Stick on the show. I agree. Wait, what was the last thing you said? And I'm hoping it wasn't said. Cut it out, Kev? All right. Yeah. He didn't say anything. All right. Listen. Can you use that to sell the show? Yes. We have an episode title. So your boss is dating and you're exposed to it. And so to speak. Yeah.

And he wants a bigger dick. He wants a bigger dick. And there's photos he sent to his girlfriend. What else? Are the photos how appropriate? He sent to somebody who's not his girlfriend. Right. So he's cheating on his girlfriend, kind of. Okay. He's 69 years old. Yeah, kind of. He probably went through a divorce about five years ago. What an animal. Maybe he wants to play the...

He wants to play before it's over. He didn't sow his oats when he was younger. And now he's like, it ain't over for me. This internet's cool. As long as I have a bigger dick, it'll expand my range. I can't do it with this tiny little sausage. I can't watch this YouTube video at work. When I get home, I'll figure out how to make my dick big. Note to self. Watch this link titled, How Do I Enlarge My Cock In My 60s?

So what else, Marcy? Did we close up the Shapiro case? So where are we at?

We, our paralegal has told him on multiple occasions we can see it. I forgot this was a law. Jesus Christ. Imagine if this guy was your lawyer. Telling him hasn't worked and he hasn't changed it or made a move so far. So what can I do to like get it through to him? That's my question. So the paralegal already said something. Okay. Interesting. Wow. So he has been told, but he didn't do it. I'd love to witness that conversation. Same. How do you jump off that? Oh, yeah.

I mean, you care about them. How do you do it? How would I tell? Yeah, I'm Alan. And I'm the paralegal. You're the paralegal who has to say it. Hey, Alan.

Hey, man. So I'm old. How are you? Yeah, good. So I need to tell you something. By the way, sharp looking shoes. Thank you. What do I get a pair like that? Nike. Nike. Yeah. Or kind of anywhere. Oh, with a swoosh. Yeah. So your emails, you know how you CC everybody? Did you get the last one I sent about the party that my girlfriend's having? Huh?

Oh, I meant to send it out. Yeah, I get all of them. Oh, you do? Yeah. Well, not my personal ones. Yes, your personal ones. This is what I'm trying to tell you. It's embarrassing. You have to have a work and a personal one because everything that you look at on YouTube, everything you look at on YouTube, we all see. No. Yeah. What are you talking about? I...

I don't really look at stuff on YouTube. Everything you look at... I don't think I've ever looked at YouTube. Everything you look at and you email yourself, every employee here sees. And I promise you, we should have a work email and a personal email and we never have to talk about it again. Everything you've sent yourself from YouTube, sir. I don't think I've ever been on YouTube. You have, sir. Everybody's seen it, sir. I don't... Sir. Sir.

So, Marcy, Marcy. Yeah. So I think here's I got my first pitch for you. We can enter the world. We can enter the world of crazy on this one very easily. We probably will. Yeah. But I want to give you a first order of operation that feels like a fastball right down the middle. It's about 91 miles an hour. Pretty basic. Okay.

somebody who's good at technology at the company goes into his email and blocks the cc to everybody then starts him a new email same if he likes gmail i'm sure this guy's a fucking aol.com tiny eggplant at gmail.com but you start him a new email that is his work email you give him the code and you say we are now as a company doing a different thing we all have

That's a good idea. Law firm underscore Allen. Law firm name underscore Marcy. And we're just using these? Uh-huh. You save a 69-year-old man of utter humiliation. Yes, good. You don't want him to go. No. If everybody who I worked with knew I was looking at YouTube, if everybody saw my Google search, I would die. Yours especially. Oh, my God.

insane insane and insanely embarrassing jake johnson how do i get my dick baby jake johnson jake said how do i get my own dick and butt yeah it goes how do i get my dick back how do am i a silverback gorilla how do i become a gorilla does jujitsu shrink your dick this is not about me marcy it's about you and alan so what do you think about smaller after jujitsu why

Rashad Dick, jujitsu mat? And I have no rebuttal, which hurts the worst.

it's just getting pounded by bullets and I don't have a gun okay so Marcy this is about you what do you think about somebody create what about you Marcy create a new initiative and that is work emails name of the law firm underscore your last name everybody gets one including Alan so he just goes

Okay. Then you go, now everybody's got to un-CC their original work email. When you hear that, what do you think? We kind of already... We already do that. I definitely think that's the right first move. Okay, so since you already do do that, I like what you're saying, Jake. You want to spare this guy. You got to. You can't let him know. So maybe there's a way to kind of do it again and perform like, hey, we're doing this, just make a bigger...

Make it really clear. Yeah, it's mandatory and make it really clear. Just be deliberate with Alan. Go ahead. You got something? Yeah, go ahead. No, you go. Well, I think maybe because it does feel like he knows this. Maybe you've got to shock him into it a little bit by saying,

by showing him what it's like to experience this embarrassment. So maybe you or someone you work with sends a screenshot of a date. I mean, again, you just fabricate this, but you send a screenshot of you writing something dirty to someone on a dating profile.

and send it to everyone and then be like, "Hey, sorry, meant to send that from my personal email. My bad." - By the way, this is actually a great idea because what you do is you create an embarrassing scandal that you can talk to Alan about and go like, "I don't know what to do because Jenny sent something. It was a YouTube video about how to make her personal parts bigger." - Smaller, smaller, not bigger. How do I get a bigger vagina?

That's what every girl wants. Got tapped out in jujitsu. My vagina hurts. Why?

Oh, my God. Vagina rash, jiu-jitsu related. What do you think about creating a fake scandal? That's a great idea. It's a great idea. And, Marcy, maybe you're the one. Maybe you're what we say. You could be a hero. What we say in jiu-jitsu is sometimes you're the hammer, sometimes you're the nail. Yep. All right. Let's remember what's going on over here. Jake, let's focus on the. I agree. Yeah. So what do you think about creating a scandal that you do the,

email where you send something personal and then you have to say to everybody, you say, Hey, I'm going around personally to everybody who works here and saying, I sent something a mess up about a dating site from my personal. And I'm really sorry. It's embarrassing. Yeah. I'm so embarrassing. And,

as a way to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'm asking if everybody creates this new work email thing because personal stuff is getting leaked around and other people are saying it's happening too. - And he now sees what it's like to have a window into someone's dating life. - We gave advice kind of like this that was wildly successful.

about a nurse who had one of the other nurses with really bad breath. Oh. And she didn't know, but the- I remember that one. The patients were complaining. You know, I've said something. You have? I did it in high school, in a high school play. What happened? He thanked me. He did. The guy said- What a smelly thank you. And he said, oh my God. And I said it very gingerly. You know, I mean, the approach was like, hey, let's, you know, I had my hands, I was like, I was coming out of a-

Like a hostage. We give up. Yeah, give up. And I said, I have to. I was just very tentative. And I said, but your breath is, it's. And he said, and I think, I don't even think I got the whole thing out. He said, is it bad? I said, it's. And it was. It was so fucking proud of you. So, Marcy, what do you think about. He thanked me. That's a good person. What do you think about doing the Justin Long and you walking into Alan's office. I don't know if I could do it anymore. And saying straight up to him.

Hey, Alan, I think you're a great boss. I really like you. I really like working for you. I need to tell you this as somebody who respects you and likes you. You go hands up hostage situation. Direct. Direct. And you say.

I'm seeing everything you're sending and I'm seeing stuff about your dating apps. I'm seeing stuff. I'm seeing YouTube videos about how to enlarge your penis. You don't have to be clear. I don't know if you could stop that. You could say, I'm not looking at it. So you have a small penis and we're all talking about it. But you could basically, but you need. By the way, YouTube's a weird place to go. But for a 16, it's got a side of Pornhub, Alan. What an idiot. I'm helping.

But the idea of going, I don't know the reference. Yeah, Jake, what an amazing. Like a meerkat, people pop up. Jake, Jake. YouTube, I don't know Jake, but YouTube educational. Oh my God. Marcy, this is about you.

So you go in. I like that. You go in. But what do you think about going in, doing the Justin long, and having the talk? Could you do that, Marcy? I think I can. Let's practice. Let's practice. Justin is Alan. Okay. And I have two scenarios. I'd like to try two scenarios. Marcy's the same. I'm going to be different two times. The first one's probably more likely. Okay, Marcy, I want you to do this as real as you can, okay? Okay. You just walked in. Alan's in the office. Ah, look.

Hello, Marcy. Come on in. Please, take a seat. Hi, Alan. How are you? I'm well. How are you? How's Sean?

He's good. He's doing great. Actually, I'm not doing as well as I hope. I just kind of wanted to come here and talk to you about something. Of course, you know my policy, open door. We share things here. Let me finish my narration of this children's book. Please, please pull up a seat there, dear. Hold on, let me finish smoking my pipe. And also trying to make my emoji bigger.

Oh, sorry. You're back. LOL. I keep going. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm practicing my new slang. Thank you.

I really respect you as my boss. As do I. You've been a very great boss to me, which is why I really care to come and tell you. I could see all of your emails. It's like no shame, like no worries about it. I just wanted to let you know, like I respect you on your personal life and I wouldn't want to impose on that. Of course you see my emails. Yeah, I can see all your emails. Of course you do. That's why I see yours as well. That's why we send them to one another. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I don't understand the issue. Oh, I could see your dating profile, Alan, which is, again, fine. And also, I do see emails you send to yourself. Now, I'm going to throw the, this is the B scenario. Okay. Probably less likely, but you're the same, Marceline.

Please come in. Hey, Alan. I just wanted to come and talk to you just because I respect you as a person and as a really good boss. You've been really good to me. Oh, dear. Just wanted to say I can see your dating profile and all the emails you send to yourself. It's not a big deal. No, I know. Yes. I know. What you do in your personal life is your thing. No shame at all for that. No, no shame had. Oh, my God.

I know. Yes, I know. Yes, I know. That's quite nothing to hide. I'm so nervous. I'm like shaking. Oh, dear. You're fine. I I have nothing to hide. And so it's what I try to foster here in the office is full transparency.

Yes, so I have certain issues that I don't mind that you know about. I think Justin was right to say that's less likely. But if it is, there's no solution. Well, if there is, you're right. Then he's a voyeur. He's doing it on purpose. Yeah, he wants people to know he's out there and he's like trying to make things happen. I'm about to get weird. Yeah. So Marcy. Maybe he wants advice about it. I like it.

I will say your side of that was very strong. Yes. I thought it was very nice. If I'm Alan, which one day in my late sixties, I will be sooner. Hopefully sooner. This is going to happen to me relatively soon where someone says you really screwed up with your technology and we saw what you looked for.

And it's embarrassing for you, my man. And I'm saving you. That's crazy. I'm close. I'm about as close to being Alan as are you. Yeah. We're close. Yeah. That's exactly right. Jesus. Let's not go there. Sorry. Mercy. Justin Long has a podcast called Life is Short. We all have to go.

And it sure is. But Marcy, so to go off of that, you're very good at that. That could work. There is also the creating a scandal that Garth pitched, I think is really strong. One more, just in case. Go ahead. Very quickly. You guys do like company meetings or like there's five or six of you around a boardroom. I mean, I don't know how the real business works. That happens though, right? Yeah. There's five of us. Yeah. Okay. But at some point, someone's computer is up on a screen maybe. Oh. Oh. I see where you're going. She could set that up. Oh.

I see what you mean. Hold on. Yes, there is an occasion. I don't want to lead the witness. Okay.

Why not, for one of these meetings, when you're doing these things and you're kind of walking through whatever you have to, accidentally click on one of the windows, which is the YouTube video on how to make your dick bigger, and be like, sorry, that was in one of the emails. Sorry. Something like that. But that doesn't, yeah, but he's still got to suffer the embarrassment of it. It's another embarrassment. This is a Hail Mary. So Marcy, your options from us are shame him,

which doesn't feel good, but it is effective. Two, create a scandal that's entering the problem through the back door. And then while you're there saying, we're going to solve this problem, let's all do work emails and stick to it. Personal emails and work emails have to be different because of this huge scandal that just happened. It's a very embarrassing thing. And three...

I don't remember. Honesty. Of course we never remember that one. Talk to the man. Three is the weirdest. Be honest with me. Outside the box. So the floor is yours, young lady. What are you going to do?

I think I really like the idea of the projection of the computer screen. Oh, wow. I thought she was going to pick honesty. Always the wildest one. Yeah, really. And how are you going to do it? Walk us through the plan. Can't wait. And take your time, but really how you'll execute it. Are we all going to be members of the meeting? You're damn right we will. Yeah. That'll be really funny. It is in person, though. So if you guys want to. No, I would actually, I really would like to hear how you're actually going to execute this one.

Because this is a wild move, Marcy. It's a swing. It's a swing. What I'm thinking is that I'll have my email pulled up already, and there's already, like, it separates the Gmail into the primary inbox and the social inbox and something else. And so what if I already have the social email pulled up, and that's where I see all of his dating profile anyway. So he'll be able to see that we get his date.

dating profile on the social email side. And how do you adjust to the fact if he's an old timer and he's not putting it together? We used to do this to my dad where we could do something right to his face and he wouldn't see it. That is so funny. So I think. Well, how do you push it? I think you act it up. Act it up. Be like, oh, God, sorry. Yeah. Oh, geez. Yeah, that's interesting. Fluster. Yeah. So part B of your plan is if he's not noticing.

then you need to act so embarrassed by it. Your screen's frozen. And it takes you a little bit of time to close everything. Then you need to apologize and say, sorry about that, but I'm getting everybody's social emails too and some really weird stuff comes up. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Now, because this show is not called We Just Fuck Around For No Reason, alternative title, are you actually going to do this? I am actually, yes, I am. And when are you actually going to do it?

Um, our next meeting should be in a few weeks, maybe three. Okay. Um, just will you, will you, Kevin, can we schedule a followup? Kevin, can I fly in for the meeting? We're going to do a followup with you for the day after, regardless of how it goes. If you have a great story, not a great story. We just want to hear what you did. You're going to call in, remind us what it is. Tell us what you did, how it went down. And we might have to give some followup advice, but let's schedule another call with you. So we hear what happens.

Okay, that's so good. Good luck. I can't wait to hear this next call. Be careful. Be careful. And she is so good at the direct approach. Yes. You might need it. Let's start with the... It's going to be more fun for us. One last pitch in this is, do you have a co-worker who can be kind of your teammate in this? That's good. Yeah, Jazz. Jazz? Jazz. Are you talking about the music?

My teammate is the sound. I'm going to put on a little Miles Davis and enact a plan. So can you talk to Jazz so that you and Jazz are a coordinated effort to win here? I think so, yeah. I think she'd be down for that. Play it out. You're driving, but every Batman needs a Robin and a big movie like this. Every Stockton needs a Malone. Exactly right. Like the Jazz. Is that sounding good?

Yeah, that sounds good to me. Marcy, we'll talk to you in three weeks. Thanks, Marcy. Thank you, Marcy. Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye.

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It helps you build merch, all these things. So go to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off of your purchase of a website or domain using the code Gil sent me. Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi. Hi. Hey, can we get your name, please?

Hi, I'm Mia. Mia, can we get your age, please? I'm 21. 21. You're just a kid. And where are you calling from? Indianapolis. Oh, cool. Shapiro's Deli. You know Shapiro's? Love it. I do. Mia, you got a special show. Yeah. Not just the Garf and I. Yeah.

That's a regular show. That's a given. You got the guy who I think was the funniest thing on New Girl that made especially the guys laugh so hard. Maybe only the guys. You made Max Lamorne and I laugh in ways that

we were losing control. And we also, when you left, we realized, oh, that's what this show is. You're allowed to be utterly ridiculous. And it works. This is something he says when you're not here. He said that repeatedly. As funny as it gets, as fun to be around as it gets, the best vibe on a set, Mr. Justin Long, 8th A.M.

- The gins! - The gins! - The closet ginslinger. - Mia, thanks for hanging in there throughout that very flattering introduction. I love you too. - I love you, man. - I'm just crazy. - I'm really happy to see you. - Yeah, me too. - You said I love you too. Is that T-W-O or that's T-O-O? - I meant it as a T-O-O, but you're right. He didn't technically say I love you to me. - No, he was trying to include himself. - Oh, oh, Gareth. - Mia, what's-- - I love you too. - Mia, are you still there? - I love the three, all of you. - Yes.

All right, Mia, so what can we do for you today? You've got a bunch of people who are going to be pitching. I think we're going to solve this one. The floor is yours. So last summer, I'm a senior in college. I moved into an apartment for my senior year, and I'm staying there. Okay. And it has a pool, which is great. Sure. And so last summer, like in July, when I moved in, I went down to the pool, and I was just hanging out, like,

like in the shallow end. Sure. And there was this woman in there who started talking to me and she was super friendly, super nice. Um, and then she asked me if I knew how to swim. Hmm.

So I said yes, because I do know how to swim. And she was telling me that she didn't, but she really wanted to learn. Love the setup here. Can I ask a superficial question? Roughly, what would you guess this lady's age was, Mia? 115. Six. I think maybe like late 30s. Okay. And at what point, how, may I ask, did she ask you that? What was the context?

I'm scared to go to the deep end, are you? Because I can't swim. Can you? You drowned before, too? I dropped a quarter down there. I'll never be able to get it. Nobody's ever been in the deep end. Do you guys know how to swim, or are we all just standing in water? Why do they even make a lifeguard? Where's the lifeguard? Because I'll need one, would you? I'm peeing. Are we peeing? But Justin's right. How does this come up, two women standing in the shallow end?

to somebody saying to the other do you know how to swim that's never happened in my life i've been in a lot of shallow ends no it's never happened to me either yeah it's three and a half feet deep what wow that's even weirder with the deep with the shallow end okay the deep end oh it's a kiddie the shallow end is the outside of the pool it's inflatable we're in her yard so mia you guys are standing in three feet of water

You're small talking about Indianapolis. What's happening? Longs Donuts. Longs Donuts. Which I hope you've been to. Yum. Yes. Yum. Yes. So good. It was all normal. Okay. But then she asks me, she says, would you mind staying in the pool while I practice floating? I love this song. And like I was, I was already in the pool. So I was like, sure. Like I'm not just going to get out. My answer would be a hundred percent. Yes.

I mean, you kind of have to. I would honestly say I'd prefer to. He'd be a monster if you said, no, I got to. Yeah. But also, the opportunity in life, a stranger goes, mind chilling while I do float practice? I'd love it. Thank you. I don't think I've ever seen float practice. I've never seen it. I've never seen anyone practice floating. So the woman says, do you mind watching me float? You say, of course. Yes. Okay, but here's where it gets weird. She tells me, okay, thank you so much. I'm going to go get my gear. What? Gear? What?

Okay, keep going. Her float gear? You're a great caller. Yeah, this is fantastic. For a second, I thought you said gear. So did I. Which would have been maybe less... Maybe it's scarier. Scarier. Things can kick. It escalates. That's when you go, actually, I can't do this. I'd stick around for that. So she says, let me get my gear. Yes. So she goes and gets her gear and...

And, like, I mean, I'm talking nose plugs, earplugs, swim caps. What? Okay, then what? That is great. And so then she, like, you know, I'm just, like, sitting over by the steps kind of. And she's kind of near me. She's practicing floating. But she gets kind of scared. You know, it's just learning. And she asks me.

Can you help me? Oh, she wanted you to hold the back. This is getting into me. This is unsettling. This is now unsettling. I'm still 100% yes. No, I wouldn't have made it this far. The second I saw gear, I'd be like, you know what? She says, will you support me? What do you say, Mia? Yeah, so that's exactly what happens. She tells me that her friend once held her and I've kind of always been a people pleaser. Me too. And I have only known this woman for maybe

Maybe an hour. I would have held her. Me too. I can't believe an hour has gone by already. I held her. Oh, my God, Mia. How is she making – when you say she's scared, how is she exhibiting her fear? Is she thrashing around? Oh, my God.

Okay, well, she wasn't thrashing when I was holding her at first. At first, it was fine. She looked pretty serene. And that was another thing I was battling with in the moment. It's like, do I make eye contact? No. What am I

No, because then you're stuck there. Yeah, no, you're looking forward. You're looking forward. Yeah, yeah, you're like... That's what I was doing. Yeah, you got your brains alive, but your eyes are the eyes of a squirrel. Yeah, like you're trying to find a bathroom in a dark hotel, in an unfamiliar hotel. You're just looking forward. Or like you're in a virtual reality. Yes. You're just like...

You're not here. You're elsewhere. Yeah. Yeah. So you go to a small place. It's like trying not to laugh. It's like trying not to laugh. Yes. So. All right. So you're holding this woman loving this. Then what happens?

So everything was okay for like maybe a minute and a half. And then she got startled again. I think maybe her head went a little far back or something. She should not be in the pool. And so she wrapped both arms around me. Oh my Lord. And I was kind of holding her like a baby until I think she realized that she could just stand up.

Now, this is a hell of a setup. I don't understand where the questions come. Is your question, how do I repeat this? Should I move? No, I don't want to do it. That's the question, but here's the problem, okay? She is a frequent pool goer, and I know this because after this strange but kind of intimate interaction, I would look out my window and see if she was at the pool before I would go. And...

And it's making her not want to go. Practicing? She's waiting for... Did she recruit other people to help her float? That's a great question. No, it was just us. It was just us. And I never saw her do it with anybody else. So it seems special. Can I ask, did you describe her physically? I mean, I don't know how... I don't mean that in... What does she look like? Just in terms, I want to get a full picture of when you're holding her, what that looks like.

Okay, she had on like a really cute yellow one piece. Okay. And she was a larger woman. Okay. I'm kind of petite. Okay. And...

So, I mean, roughly twice my size. Okay. And she asked you to cradle. Like a reverse baby. Yeah. It is. It is a backwards baby. Yeah. This is why. The old backwards baby. Yeah. This is why. The old backwards baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we got here. Every once in a while, life is good. Oh, this is. Yeah. And just you go like, you know, everyone's going to go like, what are we doing on this rock? Is it worth it? Yeah.

And then you go, there's some lady twice the size of another lady goes, mind holding me in the pool while I practice floating? And the other lady goes, I guess so. And now I can't go swimming, though. Then that lady calls a show years later. Yeah. And three strangers are dissecting it. Sometimes it works. Yes. Yeah. Sometimes on this rock it works. So Mia, the question is then what? How do you get back in the pool without holding this woman?

Yeah, so like she works from home. I'm gonna have the summer off you want to go swimming Yeah, good Indianapolis. It gets hot there burning just you can't go to your own pool What what do we what do we name in this woman? Can we give her a name Martha? Martha's good. Will you try to put in your words the question for today so that we don't over talk you and fix a problem? It's not exactly right

Okay. How can I be prepared to see Martha at the pool and not hold her? Yeah.

Interesting. Okay, great. Should I ask her if she's learned how to swim yet? I think it's not an if. I think it's a when I see her. You will see Martha. Should I ask her about her journey? I think you've got to confront this. Because if you're looking out the window, this is annoying. And you don't know. She might be looking out her window. You might have imprinted on her. So you're saying you're going to see Martha. You're saying, Garf, lean in.

- Instantly. - Well, I think we've got to confront it. Get it out of the way. - Justin, go ahead. - I have an idea because I am also a people pleaser at Mia, so I struggle with these things. I mean, not this thing specifically. - You've done this. - I can say I've never struggled with it. - You've ever been in a pool. - I'm a former float coach and... - I'm a float enthusiast. I'm a floatist from way back. - I'm the float coach.

But I think what if you gave her, you set boundaries and the boundaries are because you sound like a nice person. I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping again as long as there are boundaries. If you say you go to the pool and you have this in your back pocket, you say if you see her there. Stop. Hold on. Mia, will you be Martha?

You know Martha, right? Will you actually try to do this like Martha? Oh, this is a good idea. Yeah. But really try to do her voice if you can. Really? Mia, get into it. You're about to work with a fantastic actor who's going to step into 21-year-old Mia. Okay. You're at the pool, Justin. You are Mia. Okay, Mia, if you were to greet somebody, you see Martha coming, what would you say? Just so I have just a frame of reference.

I wouldn't greet Martha first. Okay. Good to know. So then, Martha, you got to greet Mia. Okay. So I'm at the pool already. You're wearing a yellow bathing suit and Mia's in something else. Okay. I'm petite. She's big. Okay. Hey, girl. How's it going? Haven't seen you in a long time. Hi. Hi, Martha. It's Martha, right? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Good to see you.

How has the floating been? Oh, my gosh. I was hoping you'd ask. Can you help me again? Martha's aggressive. I would love to, Martha. You know, I have so little time, and I want to help. Can we – I have five minutes. I have five minutes where I can help you, and then I have to get to my – because I have to practice my moves. I'm a random guy at the pool. What are your moves?

Oh, you know, I've been, my back is, well, I'm not a middle-aged, because I'm not a middle-aged guy. I'm like a younger woman. It surprises me that I have this back issue and my hip is out. Seems like an older guy's problem. I've been playing pickleball with some pals. So Mia became just. Yeah, Mia became, it was too flattering a setup. I couldn't commit to Mia. Mia, I had a question for you. In hearing that, is Martha that aggressive?

I mean, I think that there would be like a little more small talk. Yeah, okay, let's do it. Sorry. Let's get into it again because I think that's putting you in a dangerous spot. I'm just saying the truth. Yeah, okay. So we'll start again. Mia, you are back to...

Uh, Martha, you are Mia, and you are the lifeguard on duty. Great. Your name is Brian, the security guard. Oh, great, Brian the guard. You're the security guard. So I'm going to be a little more reticent to help. Oh, yeah, or however you think is best. You're Mia. This is your pitch. Okay. So you just saw her, Martha. Hey, Mia. How's it going? Hi. Um, it's, it's, it's, we haven't, it's Martha, right? Yeah, yeah. That's right. We, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

I helped you with the floating. Yes, thank you so much. You're a lifesaver. That's what I am. Go ahead. Keep doing your stuff. Hey, Brian. Hey, how's it going there, Mia? Good, good. Haven't seen you in a while. Be careful, Mia. I'd maybe talk to Martha. Quiet, Ralph. Just sit over the pool and get drunk alone again.

I've been away. I've not been using the pool, but it's been so hot lately, so I had to take a tip. It's so nice to see you. Good to see you too, Martha. Take care. Ooh. Mia, it might have just fell into something really nice. Into the pool. Into the pool. So here's a way you could do it.

go to the deep end no you are joe pesci in every score yeah yeah

Barrier in the desert. So I'm changing everything and going to your pitch. When you walk in, she says hi. Jump in the deep end. She goes, will you help me with floating? I can't hear you. I'm in the deep end. You want to talk to me? Swim over. Although I will say, Martha sounds like somebody, people chatting too much on a plane. You're stuck. You put the headphones in. I've done this. And then you get the...

And then you take them out. What's that? Take one out. Yeah, no, I was just wondering if, do you like all the nuts? Because I noticed you left the cashews in the aisle. You know, and then you have to put them back in. And then what do you do? Martha sounds like somebody who would. We'll keep pushing. We'll keep pushing. Okay, but what we could do is we could make the AirPods not music, but a phone call. So you could be on a call the whole time you're there. Fake a call. But we're entering a bad zone. She wants to be at that pool a lot. Yeah, she doesn't want to have to wear. But you can't.

What about there's something here? She wants to relax at the pool too. Yeah, but what about the idea of...

some sort of waterproof headphones that seem as if you are swimming listening so if she talks to you plugs you go like your plugs earplugs that's great i i wear them when i sleep yeah yes middle age that's great um why am i why am i looking at this camera to talk to me yeah um if you because a lot of people wear them yes and then uh if she asks you anything make a big show of like sorry sorry a

Agreed. Yeah, it's a lot. Say it again. It's a lot. And then she's going to have to think about what she said. It raises the stakes for her. Yeah. So it's not just casual for because right now Martha's at a casual level with you. Agreed. And you want to get away from casual. You want it to be a little bit more. You could you could also combat that if you went down to the pool with someone like then it would be an even weirder. But then we're. Yes. All right. I got one more. OK. Why not? Next time you see Martha, you're going to have this.

Agree to help be the float coach again. And while you're float coaching, you start to go underwater too. And you have a petite ball, freak out. And you go, oh my God, I'm sorry. And you're like, sorry, sorry, Martha. And you get out of the pool and you go, I don't know. It's like, I already have a little bit of trouble in the pool trying to help you. So you become bad coach. Bad coach, but you freak out a little. Unexamined float trauma. But I would say you could go two paths on that.

Because you could go trauma coach where you're creating a really weird performance in the middle of a very weird situation. Yes. You're out weirding her. Yeah. But the other way to do it is very simple. Kill her. Nope. Oh, sorry. She gets in your arms. Let go. Let her go. Nope. She gets in your arms. Let's say head is on left arm. Just do the mood. And she goes like, ah, ah, ah. And you go like this. Sorry. And she goes like, honey, you let my face go under. You go, sorry. She goes, let's try again.

- All so good. - And then she goes, "What are you doing?" And you go like this, "I'm not a floating expert. I just came here to swim."

This is a dangerous one. Outweird her. How would you outweird her? You're cradling her, you're floating, and you just turn right to her and stare at her. And get close. Or you know what you could do? You could ruin, because part of floating is relaxing. So what if you do that face to face? Lullaby? Or no, you don't let her relax. Start telling her about your dreams. If all your dreams are violent...

So you're like, she's like, oh, this is good. And you go, I had a crazy dream last night. And she goes, what happened? You go like this. That was the same reoccurring when I killed 100 babies. Or just say that you... Drowned them. Drowned them. Drowned them babies. Say that you house rats. Just talk about your rats that you have in your apartment. I have like 30 rats. Make her realize that you are... Someday I want to bring my rats down here. Yeah. I train rats. Rats. Anything that she goes...

Mia is not a safe place. I come down here to wash the dander off. That's good. I want to teach him how to swim in case the apartment gets flooded. I'm glad I have an ally in here. So, Mia, what do you think of the idea of outweirding the weird situation to make yourself not a comfortable spot? What do you feel, Mia? I think that would be effective for sure. Okay, so let's do this. Mia, Justin, you're Martha. Okay. You're in her arms. Okay.

Mia, you are now cradling Martha in the mid-deep waters. Okay. Oh, my God. Thank you, girl. Thank you so much for this. I don't know what it is. Why I never learned to do this. I'm starting to shiver a little bit. No, you're doing a great job. You're doing a great job. But can I tell you about this dream I had last night? A dream? Sure, sure.

I was in my apartment and all of a sudden my collection of rats and jars started exploding all over the apartment. There was glass and water and dead rats all over the place. You dreamt that you had rats? That was part of your dream?

Well, those are real, yeah. Great. You really have rats? Yeah, in my apartment. Do you want to come see them? I have 30. Don't invite a weirdo over. As much as I hate rats, I...

I guess since we're such good friends, I should probably get used to the rats. Game over. Mia, here's what I'm going to say. I think your instincts are very good with the weird and out. I think you can win there. Never invite a weird person who steps over boundaries into your home. You're going to have a roommate soon. And you don't have rats in there to prove. Then you become crazy. You've got to go get rats. Then you've got to get a rat. Then you're entering a whole new weird situation.

Now you're entering a sitcom. Then you are the rat person. Now you're living a sitcom. Yeah, we're in act three. So here's where we're at, Martha or Mia, and we got to go to you. You get on that pool. You see that woman in yellow. You jump in the deep end. She tries to talk to you. You have earplugs in. Yeah, there's swimmer's plugs. You tread water to take them out. If she says, honey, you can't communicate, say to her, come here. She says, I can't swim. You say, sorry, I'm swimming. Okay? Boundaries, firm. Two.

You become a bad float coach. She wants you to float. You do it poorly. Three, you have a traumatic experience while being the float coach and you have a freak out that ruins her experience for you out weird her while she's in your arms.

You make direct eye contact. You whisper about your dreams. Hum. Hum. You turn her safe place of floating into an unsafe place. You are no longer a safety for her. You are the weirdness. Yep. Mia.

What are you thinking, kid? I think I have to go with the first one because the other three involve me holding her again. Yeah, I think that's a really smart move. I think so, too. Because they also have the potential to galvanize the relationship and make it harder to get rid of her. And so how are you going to do it, Mia? I'll be Martha. I'll be Martha. Thank God. Hey, hey, Mia, Mia. Hey. Oh, I guess you reminded me. I got to go get my gear. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

Oh, no. Okay, will you be here? Oh, no. Mia, Mia, Mia. Just in the deep end. Okay, we got to go. Get a shirt that says that. Oh, no. I mean, by the way, Justin, two times has Martha used so hard that you had a flashback. It concerns me that I'm infinitely better at playing Martha than Mia.

So, Mia. Yeah, you're really good. Mia, here's what we recommend. When you get there, you're listening to something, you're busy, you're in your own world. If she starts to say hi to you, pretend you can't hear and jump right in that deep end. And when she asks you, if she asks you to help her float and you don't know how to get out of it, do a bad job. Dunk her. And here's the best news. The best news is that no matter how many interactions you have with her,

It's just going to be fun fodder. Yes, forever. Forever. You're going to have this story. One day you'll be talking about this and like, and it'll be an ongoing saga. Hopefully for us. Yeah. We'll be hearing from you again. And Mia, please.

please follow up please yeah please and you sound like such a nice person i i really i feel for you but because but it's it's what makes so many great comp i mean it's plain strength an automobile you have you have deep end dell yes yeah yes thank you thank you for the call and honest to god i knew you the next time you go to that pool will you call us right away and tell us what happened with martha

Yes, 100%. And don't just say randomly, I'm going to be in the deep end. You have to go in the deep end. And don't say, oh, no. Don't say, oh, no. Think these things. Think, oh, no. Thank you, Mia. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Mia. Thanks, Mia.

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Hello. Hello. We got you perfectly. You're on a follow-up call, but we don't know what the follow-up is, so the floor is yours. Okay.

Hi, you guys. My name is Marceline. I'm the one who could see their bosses personal dating and emails. Okay. So what happened? Where are we at? What was the advice we gave? Yeah. What'd you end up doing? Walk us through this. Okay. Thank you. So the advice that you guys gave was to put it up on a projector during a meeting. Yeah. It kind of failed. Oh.

But like we also recovered and did a plan B, which is also what you guys. Hold on, you're jumping. You hold on. You're jumping. You're jumping. What happened? All right. Yeah. What happened with a. Okay. So what happened with plan a is I had it all set up me and the paralegal jazz. We had it set up to click through a few emails and happened to come across like three of his personal emails.

One from like his dating email and one from like his kid or something. But yeah. So when I pulled up the Gmail to do it though, the page rebooted. And yeah, sometime like I just, I don't know why it rebooted. I like tested it like three times, but it rebooted anyway. So it brought me back. It brought me back to like the inbox homepage and out,

Alan noticed that Jazz and I looked like we had seen a ghost. He asked us, like, why do y'all look like you've seen a ghost? Because we all knew it went bad. But he had no idea. No, he had no idea why she and I looked so weird. But he knew something was up. Okay. Yeah. Then you didn't want to go back and do it again.

Yeah, exactly. Because you're like, yeah, by the way, smart. Okay. So then that was plan A. It was a fail, but not your fault. Technology screwed you. And then what was plan B? Yeah. Plan B actually came to us like from the universe or something because the emails started up again. But this time there was like...

It was him obsessively emailing his girlfriend, asking her to call him because I think she found out about the dating profile. So he sent himself screenshots of his text saying like, you left me on read. Just wanted to know if we could work this out.

Oh, my God. Getting older is humiliating. So where did that lead then?

Yeah. So basically, uh, jazz and I made eye contact from across the room because it was happening in real time. And so we, she was just like, I love that. By the way, I love that your partner in this is named jazz. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you are making it up on the spot too. Yeah. It's just like, so jazz was over there. I had my fedora on, we went in there, we were both smoking little cigars and we figured this out. It's like, you know, Alan, he's got his legs all the way from the floor to his neck. Exactly. So,

So you and jazz, you guys tap toe into this thing and what happens then? Yeah. So, uh, we just rushed over to where his desk was and we were like, Alan, Alan, um, Hey, we can see what you're saying. Oh, by the way. Perfect. Perfect. Better. Yeah. So like it worked out and then he was just like, Oh,

Oh, so you could see everything I'm sending to. And we were just like, yes, it's, it's no problem. We understood it was private. Like, but you use the small one and that is, I'm not talking about the other small one. I'm talking about the small one of, he just sends a text to his girlfriend saying, please call me. And you go, I just saw that. I'm probably seeing other stuff. Let's fix this problem now.

Yeah. And we made a plan with him to, to help his email. And so what did Alan say? What happened? Was,

Was he thankful? Was he? Yeah, he, he took it really well. Like I'm shocked that he didn't get embarrassed. He was just like, Oh my God. Yeah. Let's, let's make an effort to fix that. We'll get into contact with our old it guy. And yeah, it's, it's being filtered into an archive inbox now. So did you guys notice that I've been watching videos on YouTube on how to make my penis bigger? Oh yes, we did. Alan and I. Okay. Okay. Just wanted to make sure.

The one thing I just, I got to make it about us for a second, Gareth, because this feels like a really happy win that wasn't our suggestion. I'm going to bring you back to us. Thanks, my man. I think it is a win for us. How? Okay? Because we set up this whole concept, this whole plan in motion. I think we teed up the emotional ability to be able to jump through this ring of fire and...

make it happen. So even though the plan that we set up didn't work, they were ready for the mission and when the moment represented itself, they struck and they struck hard because of our pep talking and because of what he told me to do in the locker room. Something that you just made me realize is sometimes our pitches are going to make you run a mile to just go a block forward. Because it's all part of our master plan. You know what we really wanted you to do here? Talk

Talk to Alan. Talk to the Alan inside of yourself. No, actual Alan. Oh, okay. Go ahead, Jake. Yeah, no, actual Alan. Actual Alan. We're talking about actual Alan. Actual Alan. And the Alan in yourself that watches YouTube videos because our dicks, Gareth, aren't as big as we would like them to be. No, Jake, I'm going to move. Jake, Jake, I'm going to move. But Jake, even weirder, we're not talking about our inside dicks. It's getting crazy. We're both...

Wrong, but what you said the first time was right. We will make you walk a mile to go a block. And don't watch YouTube videos because it doesn't work. Yeah, but that's so irrelevant to even be making that point. Thanks, caller. Thank you so much. Yeah, bye. Bye. Thank you. Sorry about the end of the call and the middle. You're good. Thank you. Bye.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. So Justin, I would like to chat with you. You're not wearing your things. We don't have to. It's just us now. You don't like it? Oh, you're not either. No.

You can wear them. I'll put them on. Your performance, and we said it to you on your podcast, Life is Short, which I was on, which was... Ugh.

- One of the most fun parts of the pandemic. I didn't want it to end. - Me too. The one time we replayed an episode, 'cause we went on vacation, was your episode. It's just our favorite. Whenever I tell people about it, people I wanna impress, I'm like, "Ah, listen to Jake Johnson's episode." Jake's doing all the heavy lifting. - It was so fun. - The stories you told about the Tom Cruise, I mean, you told some phenomenal. - But I've talked about you behind your back a lot because what you did on New Girl

to me was, and I've said it to Gareth a bunch. Many times. It changed my brain. Oh, man. And your path is fascinating to me because your impressions are incredible.

So your straight guy acting is something we talked about a lot on New Girl together. You can play the lead. You can play the guy. And this is why I love. Thanks, Jake. Guilty as charged. Just in love. Yeah. But you came in. Opposite Natalie Portman. Yeah.

But first of all, before we get to that, how did you get hooked up with the Vince Vaughn group? Did you do a Vince before you? That's a good question. Because a lot of those guys I did, like I did a Cole Hauser before I met Cole. What's your Cole Hauser? No, it's kind of like this. And the jaw is kind of like that. And when, you know, when all those guys would get a little drunk, they'd all kind of like talk.

Yeah, now you laughing right now, yeah. Now you fucking listen to me. And he'd get really- - Scary. - Scary, sorry. But Vince was through Sam, through Rockwell. - And how'd you meet Rockwell?

Doing Galaxy Quest. Oh, wow. So we did Galaxy Quest. Then we did a play. We really... So Sam was the one guy... He's the best. He loves you. He was the one on Galaxy Quest. Because this was my first big job. And I had never been to LA. You know this job where we talked about those big movies where you're on a lot. And there's aliens smoking cigarettes. It's like what you think of in the Hollywood experience. So it was all so new. But Sam...

was the guy on that. And they were like, and I didn't know Sam as an actor before that movie. And, um, but he really took me under his wing and he, he, uh, he, he'd introduced me to all these, you know, actors and stuff. What's your Sam Rockwell impression? What's it when he listens, it's kind of, Oh yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

You know, sometimes, you know, I know he doesn't really know what I'm saying. Like, you'll tell it. My brother told me that there was a turkey like in his yard and it was just on his car. He told me this on the podcast. It was just sitting on the hood of his car. And my brother's afraid of he has a fear of like foul. Of course. Yeah. And so I was like, oh, God, I wish I had a video. I wish there was like a ring camera of like you because he tried to try to make noise around it. First, he went, he went, he tried to shoo it. Then he went, shoo.

And I was just thinking about how funny it would be to see my brother doing that. So if I told Sam that story, he'd go,

oh yeah on a car what kind of car and he's like well that's not really the point yeah oh my god oh my god so we eat you ate turkey like no i didn't eat you know and when he gets excited i like to be excited sam like if i told him i did this that is a great

What kind of car? When they ask the wrong question. What kind of car? Yeah, you're like, I just wasted the last 30 seconds of my life. My wife always does that. You get mad. If I pitch an idea, I'm working on them. I'll do everything and she'll go like, what were they driving? I'm like, it doesn't matter. Relevant. Yeah.

I just made that part up. I'm trying to talk to this guy on the phone. This important call. I took up the call, but I had peanut butter. I was eating a peanut butter and going, oh, what kind of peanut butter? It doesn't matter. It was just peanut butter. You told Sam about this. Yeah, and he'd go, oh, so Jake's, oh, he was on a podcast? Yeah.

It was his podcast. We were on his podcast. Oh, my God. If I told him, he'd go, oh, my God, that's awesome. He's fucking awesome. I love Jake. Gareth, he sounds funny, man. That's awesome. Yeah. I'm sure he's done that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Justin's awesome. So he would do that. He was like such love for him. I mean, I could cry thinking about it. He's the sweetest guy and so talented. So talented. And he knew, he liked my impression. So he would like,

He would make me do them for the people that he was like a hype man. How'd you find your Vince Vaughn? So Vince was, um, cause that was what you were killing me. I remember. Well, I think we both probably just watched so much of the outtakes of made or like Vince Vaughn in that era. And we took the killer and also changed everything. Yeah. Watching him in swingers and made, and then seeing him transition to the big studio movies. Comedy is real hard. Everything he did. I was like, whatever he's doing is right.

Well, I feel so lucky because I got to experience Vince when he was... And he said it. He was doing all those... He was trying to be...

like more of a dark, you know, he wanted to be like a Brando-y type actor and he's capable of it. You know, he's so good. So he was doing like domestic disturbance and those, he was playing those like darker roles and then old school kind of brought him back to comedies but there was that period after Made before old school where he was doing these dark movies and so when we'd all hang out, he was just, he loved kind of like hanging out and talking and like telling stories and, you know, and, and, and,

And he loved it so much. And all the stuff that you hear in wedding crashes and stuff, like, come in here for the real thing, you know, where, like, all that stuff was, that's just him. I love when he eats in that movie. He's just shoving food in his mouth. You know, and he's laughing with food coming out. He's, like, unhinged in that movie. I think I told you this. The Vince is always this when he gestures because he was in a car accident. And Sam was, too. They both have that. They both have kind of, like,

um fingers and thumbs weird fingers yeah sam's got like uh he's like oh yeah i was i hit by a bike i was delivering burritos you know so he's got that and then vince has a thumb that so when he when he gestures he hides it like this and he kind of hits you like that you're laughing but i'm telling you something you know it's like and um i think vince was the guy that like like he did for you probably like just changed everything changed everything i mean like the possibilities for um and

really taught me that you had to keep everything, and you do this better than anyone. I mean, to me, you're up there with Vince. You keep it all on story. I mean, we have fun and we go off and like, but like, you are so good with story. And he, we were doing, I remember so clearly we're doing a scene in, because I was used to hanging out with him through Sam and we were just fucking do bits till, I mean, he used to be really into this Elvis bit. He was fascinated by like late Elvis. The funniest. The funniest, where he's like,

And Vince would be like, I mean, it's wild. He's fighting. And, you know, there are ninjas coming on stage. He's doing karate on stage and he's getting really into it, you know, and he's like, but he's into the music as well. And it's like passionate. And he would do, and he would make somebody, he was usually Vince or Elvis, you know, and, and, and he would, he'd like, he'd go, okay, all right. So I'm, so Elvis is, Elvis is talking to a girl and he's with a girl and some other guy, a cowboy tries to come in and take the girl. And he's being kind of aggressive and he's not being a gentleman. So, okay. So, and he'd always make me the girl.

you always go okay so Justin's gonna be the Sam's gonna come in and you know and I go okay so he'd like to you know so I had to be that was my and when you know you're wrong and I had to commit oh you have to yeah with certain people they're all with you they'll go like they'll go alright of course I am it's like in Shakespeare's days I would've probably played in the Juliet part you know I understood it I understood I was also 21 22 um

And one night we were at, we got, Mike Myers was sitting there by himself. And we had all been like hanging out. It was a chateau. We used to go to the chateau and just, and I had never seen,

So Mike's by himself and Sam and I were like, holy shit, Sam's like, oh my God, Mike. And Sam knows everyone and people love Sam, but he didn't quite know that. Yeah. You know how much people respected him. And he go, should we say hi? And I'd say hi. I'm not just going up to Mike. He goes, well, I kind of know him. I go, well, okay, well then say hi. Then we went on Mike saying hi. And I'm like, I can't believe I'm talking to Mike. It's amazing, like legend. And yeah.

And we said, we're hanging out over there. And Mike was like, yeah, I heard you guys laughing, you know? And, and we, so we brought him over to hang out and, and now Mike's doing the bits with, with, and it was so crazy. You're doing bits with Vince Vaughn and Mike Myers. And Sam Rockwell. Rockwell, there'd be guys, guys I looked up to, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And be like, Billy Crudup and all these actors that I loved. Yeah. You know? And at one point that night, Mike said, um,

It's too much. I gotta go. It's too much. He tapped out. The bits were too much. It was just hours. Did he leave or did he go somewhere else in the chateau? That would be amazing. That's a good question. Maybe to another table. That'd be awkward. But it was too much. It was too much. Wow. But we would...

I have such clear memories of laughing. Back when you could smoke inside, we'd be laughing at this table and Vince would always be holding court, you know, and telling like the crazy, like the greatest stories. And the women would come up to the table because it'd be these like...

you know, handsome actor, got Billy Crudo, Ethan Hawke, these guys that, yeah. And so women would come up and they go, their move was always, can I get a cigarette? You know, and Vince would like, without breaking stride, and so I said to the guy, I had him right here, and he just like, with his other hand off for a cigarette, you know. And he's looking at me like, I'm the security guy, you know, and he's like, gives her the cigarette, and so she takes the cigarette, and then the next move, usually they would ask, and they'd be confused, because these were the, and I was like,

I had never seen women who looked like this.

the most beautiful women, you know? And so I'd think, I can't believe he's not inviting, like saying this. And they'd say, and they couldn't believe it. You could see that they'd never been said no to, you know? And they're like, can I get a light? And you go, and then the guy comes at me, you know? And he grabs his zip and he just flicks it without looking at her. And the guy's coming at me like this. I'm like, there you go, sweet. Thank you so much. You know? And if they stayed longer or they'd be bold enough to say,

"Can I sit here?" And he go, "You know, we're just hanging out with the guys tonight. Thank you so much. I think there are a lot of guys out there who would love to get their hands on you." - Oh, wow. - You know, I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would like to be, you know, get to know Ian, but like, we're just having a fun time with the guys. And I remember thinking, I can't believe he's doing this. Like, I'll sit, he said, "Let her sit here." - She can take my seat. - She said, "Yeah, I'll stand up for a while." Exactly. But it was so, but then I think about those nights and I think like,

it was so much more, you know, not that, and then Ginny Garofalo would be around. There were women there. But it wasn't about trying to hook up with people. It wasn't about trying to hook up. It was just doing the bits for the game. It was pure bits. Yeah, which is just joy. All hours in the morning. Just joy. Yeah. And then, so that makes more sense. So when you, because when you came on,

It was early in the show. We didn't know what the show was. And you were brought in as kind of like a straight guy. Yeah, yeah. Ginslinger at the beginning of it did not have jokes. No, no. And you and I talked about it because Nick didn't have jokes. Right. And you and I were kind of talking and we were both bit guys. We were doing a ton of bits. Yeah. And you were like, I got to make this guy funny. And at that point, I was more...

kind of say your lines and if they let you improvise, but you can't get fired. Well, that was also your, that was your first big, for sure. Yeah. And so there's gotta be a part of you that's thinking, I just want to tell the company line. Of course. But you came in and just, well, my, I was inspired by you guys. I was like stirred up by you guys. Cause there's, you know, that environment, you know, that environment is like,

All I wanted to do was like do bits with you guys. And I realized that there was a really funny dynamic in that I was an innocent, like, and I am positive. It was like, kind of like Bill Murray in What About Bob? He's just like, hey, you know, everything is, it's annoying. He has no idea how annoying he is. And so that's what I wanted only to do that with you and Max. Well, you did a bit that,

I'll never forget, but it was when you were breaking up, Genslinger was breaking up with Jess and we were on a balcony. And the bit was- Yeah, show my wife. Kate saw that for the first time. She had never seen New Girl. And she was like, this is really, she loved it. And Nick was stuck on the porch. Yeah. It's about them. Yeah. Nick, the whole bit was after he leaves, I say to her like, sorry that happened. We have a sweet moment.

Every time Justin would improvise, he'd be like, you did something where you'd be like, I really care about you and I love you. And then you would go, and you too, Jess. Yeah.

They would say like, verse one, everybody in the crew cracked up. Unthinkable timing. He wouldn't stop. I mean, I was crying. And you would know it was coming. Forget the on story thing. Forget that compliment. I learned how to be, tell the story. Particulous. Yeah. Justin, you're the best. I absolutely love you. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming. Yeah, pleasure. The best.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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