John Mulaney
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Welcome back to Everybody Knows Your Name. I just said goodbye to John Mulaney, who walked out the door after doing the podcast, and I'm still kind of digesting it. He is obviously one of the funniest, brightest talents out there at the moment, and I'm

Boy, I just like who he is as a man and how he leads his life. And I can't wait for you to hear this. I forgot to mention, he's got a new live Netflix show called Everybody's Live on Netflix. And you're going to hear all about that. So let's get into it. John Mulaney, everyone.

Hey, first off, congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. Now you were, I don't know where you are now, but you were like top 10 Netflix around the world for... We are globally live, which is very funny. Unbelievable. No, it's unbelievable. It's such a funny thing to be at Sunset and Gower near the Arby's.

And then know you're beaming out around the world and that you're around the world on Netflix, which is truly embedded in people's homes all around the globe. It's just a very funny thing to put out. We're talking about Everybody's Live with John Wayne. Everybody's Live, yeah. This is the second rendition, kind of, of your talk show. And it's with Richard Kind. I appreciate you calling it a talk show. We do have trouble defining it sometimes. And I like...

I like that. It's a talk show on a high wire strung between the, you know. A bit, yeah. And I remember it was for some sort of awards thing last year. We really, they timed out how much we interview people because they didn't know how to categorize us. So it brings us some peace to have a category. One of my favorite moments was looking at Wanda Sykes.

sitting next to John Waters. Yeah. And what is his name? Stavros. Stavros Alkias. Yeah. And Neil. Yeah. Yeah. But there is getting a little raunchy. And I watched one go with the...

Where am I? What's going on? What's going on? Yeah. Because they aren't necessarily warned or ahead of... Yeah. Not just raunchy, but like... It's like just... Stavi and John Waters are having this Baltimore connection. Yeah. You know, two seats down from me, they're just naming very rough lesbian bars in Baltimore that they both hang out at. And...

Then the former Solicitor General is a few seats away trying to get real legal advice from Neil. Stavi then declares war on landlords. They get into some sort of masturbation conversation and just look at Wanda and she goes, what is going on? And also, I try to have a twinkle in my eye at that moment. Like, oh, don't worry. I'm about to stir it all together. But I have no idea either. So you're...

You're truly, this is you raw. You have no idea what's going to happen next. No, it's, yeah, lots left up to chance because we have the callers.

you know, calling in from around the world now. We have, you know, I know Neil Katia well, actually, but a lot of times we have experts on that I have no connection to and no one on the panel would. So everyone's kind of meeting for the first time. No one's, they don't, you don't sit down with them backstage and say, this is how this kind of works. No, no. Fasten your seatbelts. No, no.

What we say when we approach people to do it is, hey, this will be the lightest lift you've ever had. There's no pre-interview. There's no social media ask. There's no step and repeat. You come on and we have lots to talk about and lots to get to. I kind of also present it to people as like, this would be a fun dinner party with people you might not ever have hung out with.

I would add, what I would say to myself if I was going to be on your show was Ted Danson, fasten your seatbelt and bring your A-game. Oh, really? Yeah. I really do think so. Because it's...

Well, you always have your egg. No. No. Well, here, careful. We're going to live this out in the moment. In real time. Whether or not I have an egg. In real time. How did you meet Neil? Neil Katyal? Yeah. I met him through Senator Al Franken maybe four years ago. Yeah.

I knew of him well because I listened to this podcast called Amarica's Constitution with Professor Akhil Amar, who's a Yale Law constitutional legal scholar who was Neil's sort of mentor at Yale Law. And they wrote some articles together about

for various law reviews. And so I'd heard of Neil, and then I'd heard of him just as a person in the world. And then Senator Franken introduced me to him when he came to one of my shows in Maryland. And then Neil, through Justice Jackson, got me a tour of the Supreme Court that Olivia and I went on, which was very interesting.

That was, I mean, you know, you go to some places in D.C. or you don't now, but originally you did. And, you know, you're invited in. And Supreme Court's just so...

There's sort of nothing to see and everything to see. Yeah. Yeah. I've never had that. I've gotten lots of different tours over the years. What's interesting is they really decorate their chambers differently. You mean like decor? Decor and vibe. Sotomayors were like when someone on the floor of a dorm room

takes over the hall with their own shit. Like, spilling out of Sotomayor's are photos and drawings and paintings and mementos that people have sent her all over the walls in the hallway. And then she has, because she loves baseball so much, she has blown up poster-sized pictures of...

every justice from the past 15 years who's thrown out the first pitch. It's like John Paul Stevens at a Cubs game. Alito at a Phillies game taking it way too seriously. And it's a really fun, like joyous hallway. Uh,

The chief justices, dark wood panel, very serious. You're also allowed to go to the National Gallery when you're a Supreme Court justice and pick any artworks you want to be in your chambers. John Roberts, I think he has some of those Gilbert, Stuart, George Washington paintings. Justice Jackson,

I believe she had some really cool colorist Alma Thomas paintings. Very sunny chambers. Sandra Day O'Connor always had a very Tex-Mex feel. Like Southwestern blankets. I think Gorsuch still has that because he's like a Colorado guy. There's always one Western judge who keeps that Ralph Laurence or second floor vibe happening.

Who showed you around? Neal? No, a clerk of Justice Jackson's. She'd been, I'm trying to think at this point, how recently she'd been confirmed. So it was a little fun talking to someone who is walking around the court newer to it. Justice Jackson's newer, the clerk is newer. Because they're still a bit getting the ropes and also figuring out the personalities. Each justice, there's nine justices, they each have four clerks for one year.

They're appointed for life. The clerks come and go. It's really, it's a fun setup. Sticking to your show that you're doing now, Richard Kind. Yeah. One of my favorite, favorite kind of actors. The best. He is funny. He can be outrageous. He can be soulful, heartfelt, serious. He can literally go anywhere. He can go anywhere. He's like, he's ready-made for Pixar and then can do a Coen Brothers movie with real heart.

And just even in shooting promos for the show, he can be an intimidating guy. I thought, oh, he could play a mob boss. Yes. Or he could play, you know, a complete man. Also a leading man. I know that sounds silly. No, no, you're absolutely right. He has everything to be a leading man. I can't remember who it was. Uh...

Was it Greg Bierko said about Richard Kind? He said there's two, the space station that went up can see two things from space on Earth, the Great Wall of China and every choice Richard Kind has ever made. Clearly Richard has heard this and must love it. Oh my God, that's wonderful. It's great, yeah. It's great. And how did you guys get together? I know you did a Broadway show. We did a Broadway show recently. Rich and I met doing this

IFC show called Documentary Now. Myself and Bill Hader and Fred Armisen and Seth Meyers would do it almost like a summer project from Saturday Night Live. And, uh...

We'd shoot up in Portland a lot. It was very small. And we did a Stephen Sondheim company parody. And Rich was in it. In mid-verse, find out they've been canceled. Yes, mid-album recording. Which actually happened to Merrily We Roll Along. I think the show opened, closed that same day, and they had to record the album. My one Broadway experience was...

Got bad reviews. Next day, I say goodbye to my parents. Put them in a cab. They're going back to Arizona, having come, seen the opening. Walk into the stage door. And the stage door guy says, excuse me, where are you going? I'm sorry, but I work here. Not anymore, you know, bud. And we closed. Yeah. What was the show? It was called...

It was called shit. It was from the Goodwin Theater. It was called Status in Chicago. It was called Status Corvadas. Oh, okay. And it was one of those, it was so well directed that every rim shot was perfect. So the audience would burst into a big laugh because the rim shot was perfect. Yeah. And then you'd see them go, ha ha, oh, wait, no, wait a minute. Why am I laughing? Yeah.

The whole thing was, I'm laughing, but this is not that good kind of laughter. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was rugged. It was almost like you had a cattle prod making them laugh, but they didn't know why and were resentful. Yes, exactly. I can't remember who it was. Someone told me that opening night,

you know, around midnight when reviews came out, someone came in and just started taking the sink out of their dressing room. And that's how they knew it was. I was in the upstairs bar at Sardi's. Yeah. And the metal cage came down with my drink that I was drinking just on the other side of where, you know, I reached for it and banged into the cage that came down. It was abrupt. We heard, we heard the, sorry, this is all about my one day bitter one night stand on Broadway. Um,

Rex Reed hated Clive Barnes. Really? Yeah. Or didn't like him or was jealous or whatever. So Clive Barnes's review came out and this was back when he could shut down a show with a bad review. His review was horrible. Rex Reed was reading out loud to all of us in Sardis, Clive's trashing us.

But he was doing it and making fun of Clive in such a funny way. We were howling with laughter while we were listening to our demise. It was the most, the weirdest. You were like the audience. You were laughing and didn't know why. He was prodding us with the electric prod. So then you just went immediately to Richard? It was one of those things where as soon as you picture Richard doing something, that's it. There's no one else.

I was just sitting in the writer's room on the Everybody's in LA show, which was this pop-up six-night thing last May. And we were looking at some opening titles footage that this guy, Brooke Linder, has shot all around Los Angeles. And I just started saying out loud, tonight, live from LA, and kind of doing Richard. And then we laughed, what if Richard Kind was the announcer of the show? And then as soon as you say that, what if Richard Kind blank? One, you have to do it. And two, there's no one else that can do it.

Yeah, he is incredible. He's incredible. He's as outrageous as you are. He will go for it. 100%. And busier than... I've never not seen him where he's about to get on a red eye. I mean, he's always headed for a red eye to do another... He's the busiest man in show business. It's fantastic. Mary and I, my wife and I saw him someplace recently and we just geeked out, hugged him, had to hug him. I know. He's one of those people that when people just walk up to on the street,

And I think someone once came up to him and went, hey, you're a dum-dum. And he goes, a bing-bong. I think you mean bing-bong. And they go, nah, you're a dum-dum. Like the amount... He came up to me during the Broadway show. We were doing it at the Hudson Theater. And...

You know, Broadway being what it is now, we had some elevated ticket prices for some seats, which we were all aware of. And we felt the responsibility to do a great show. But we were aware that they were gouged. These were an arm and a leg, some tickets.

So Rich comes into rehearsal. He goes, are people coming up to you and yelling at you on the street about the ticket prices? I go, no, they're not yelling at me on the street. Are people coming up to you and yelling at you? He goes, yeah, people go $400 for a ticket. Rich, what are you going to do? This is ridiculous. I go, you have a life where people walk up to you on the street and scream at you about ticket prices. And I think because he would do it to them, he welcomes it. Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah. Do you guys have a writer's room? On this show? Yeah. Yeah. And it's a lot of folks that have written and produced their own shows because, you know, we have 12 shows, lots of, uh, lots of live pieces, uh,

um really talented costume and set department and so everyone's kind of uh we were writing a lot in pre-production and now everyone's kind of running off making their own pieces come together you you go on air around the universe that's weird it's so funny can you feel it when you walk out now on the street the different level of energy coming your way because i find i find it in requests to play other countries

which is nice. Oh. Yeah. We're really getting a lot of buzz in Brazil. Yeah.

We said Brazil in some... Yeah, a lot of buzz in Brazil. Yeah. That'll be Richard's 11 o'clock number on the next show. We mentioned Brazil on the first episode. And in terms of social media, there was nothing... You said it and said it, and then you looked straight in the camera and said it big. Brazil, yeah. And there's no more activated social media crowd than Brazilians. Oh. And so...

You know, I don't know what I would do if I'd learn Portuguese to do a show. I am very open to it, though. I'm hoping like a football stadium. I'm not going to go play some comedy club in Brazil. No, no. We need this to scale really. This is huge. Brazil is huge. It's huge. If I can't fill a stadium in Brazil, I'm out of the business. You can fill it anywhere. I had this thought that I have to end. We can cut it. You can cut it. I'm sitting here going live. Yeah.

Some people go, that doesn't make, register how amazing that is, that you're sticking your neck out live in the same moment all around the world. And the live kind of goes over their head. So here was my thought. Sorry, but I'm going to empty it anyway. Was you should have Netflix, should have watch parties online.

in Brazil, you know, Rome, all over the world that you can cut to while live and maybe even fire off instead of just a phone call. But people need to know that this is... Oh, yeah. You know, we did a joke. We did some joke cutaways last May where we go, let's go to Paris, France now where they're watching the show. And then we'd cut to a group and it would look...

the way Paris really looks, which is, you know, just looks like any place. It's just in a room, like an internet cafe. There's no Eiffel Tower in the background. And we would cut around the world and go, oh, this isn't what I hoped it would look like. We were picturing like the Truman Show where everyone is, you know, in bathtubs in Beijing, cheering, you know. What was the pitch to Netflix like? Did they immediately go, yes?

They came to me to do something during the festival. And I said, I'd like to sort of cover the Netflix festival in LA like it's an LA event. So I said, what's interesting to me about the festival and it

it's true every time they do it, is that every comedian comes to Los Angeles. We never get to see each other because we're always on the road. But everyone really does come. It's huge. And they take over every venue, downtown, Hollywood Bowl, the Greek, everything. And so for like 10 days, we're all kind of kicking around. Summer camp and in LA, which is just a weird place. So I said, I

I'll do it if we can be live and we can kind of cover the festival like it's an ongoing crisis in Los Angeles, like the Rodney King uprising. And they... I remember saying the Rodney King uprising going, John, you can't pitch things this way. And they said, okay, that's fine.

And then that was a big success. So we decided to expand it a little and with the global, you know, national global live thing to have more topics from around the country and take more calls from around the world. A lot of Australians call. I keep meaning to look up what time it is in Australia when it's 7 p.m. in LA. It's like 14 hours, but the day ahead or something crazy like that.

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How did this happen? How did you become, you know, I read that you were at five, pretty clear that you wanted to do theater, comedy. Yeah. Something. You would go to the National Archive of Broadcasting and... Oh, the Museum of Broadcast Communications. Yeah. Right. I mean, that's amazing to know. That was around age 10. Yeah. I really liked... I liked...

I liked The Simpsons, Conan, Chris Rock. I liked everything that was coming out at the time, but I was really into comedy from the 50s and 60s and 40s as well. And so I would go to the museum because I had these VHS things I'd get from PBS of like, the best of Ed Sullivan, but it was always the best of. And I wanted to know what an actual episode was like. Because I remember thinking like, how did they fill two hours? So I wanted to watch...

It's very strange, actually. This is a little too convenient of an origin story. But I wanted to watch a clunky variety show. I wanted to be like, it's not all, you know, the Rolling Stones. There had to be some bad acts and things. So I started watching full episodes. I'd pick a Johnny Carson episode from 1972 and just watch the whole thing to see what it was like.

While other people were learning karate. Was this by yourself? I had a friend. You didn't have a buddy or you had a buddy? I had one buddy that was into it as well. We both really liked the Honeymooners and I Love Lucy and we both loved Frank Sinatra when we were 10. And I went to see Sinatra for my 11th birthday. But, you know, that shows a lot of respect for this...

chain of comedy that you were about to step into meaning you went backwards as well and you looked at the people who were incredible years before your time oh yeah i was a really interested in it just even in the you know late 80s early 90s it felt like oh there's this is a level of show business that's over and i wanted to know more about it you know

So there was still a Carson and a Leno and a Letterman and everything, but I was interested in the old one. It also shows, it's a lesson in how to manifest what you want to do in life. It's weird, actually. Sometimes I sit around going, it's weird to only want to do one thing from five to 42.

And then to do it. To do it. It's very cool. It's also, I go like, man, you didn't have any other interests. You just wanted to do this thing and now you do it. I'm fine with it. But it's a funny. If I weren't an actor, I'd maybe be a butler because that appeals to me too. But that'd be about it.

serving people does yeah yes people i like oh okay you'd have to work yeah you'd have to audition for me to serve you that's really great yeah when did you know you wanted to be an actor oh second year stanford because i couldn't play basketball anymore no i i thought i went to a prep school in connecticut small 300 boys

won the league championship and basketball was my thing. Congratulations. Not enough people say that to you. No, that's true. Congrats on that championship. Thank you. That was huge. Maybe I love your work too while you're at it. Sure, sure. I love your work now, but I just want to say that that was a big deal to everyone in Connecticut and it certainly still resonates with a lot of us. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. It was short-lived.

Went to Stanford, came out. This was the same year that Lou Alcindor was a freshman at UCLA. So basketball was a different thing. And I walked up to the court with my buddy who was an athlete and it was like, oh, fuck.

Just way over my head. I'm not going to make it. So acting, six months later, I tried out for a play randomly. And it was like, oh, okay. What play? Man ist man. Bertolt Brecht play. Whoa. Yeah. I was the fourth, you know, soldier from the left. I barely was in it, but I just, the light bulb went off and I never wanted to do anything ever again. Moved my car.

Behind the theater, slept in it, just ate, drank, slept. Incredible. Yeah. So you grew up in Connecticut? No, Arizona. I was going to say. Oh, you went to a prep school that far away? Yeah, yeah. Were you okay with that? I thought it was my idea. That's right. Because my mother loved it because it was church, Episcopal. Right. Watered down Catholic, which I know you're not watered down. You're Catholic. No, we're so hardcore. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah.

We were a little watered down. But all my friends were going away to school who were ranchers' friends who had been schooled at home and men were going to go someplace. I didn't want to be left behind. So I thought it was my idea, and off I went. What is Arizona like in the 60s? Cattle, lumber, town, and flak staff at a university. Yeah.

Yeah, a very small university at the time. And a museum and a research center where my father was the director. He was an archaeologist, anthropologist, and all of that. So we were out in the country. My friends were hoping Navajo. I jumped on horses and ran that away. You know, be home by the time the sun goes down or you're in trouble. It was so unlike Navajo.

Anything else. Yeah. Not even, yeah, this is not golf resort Arizona. No. This is going out to the Hope in Navajo. Wow. Did you speak any of that language? Kwasi, which is very dirty. Uh-huh. Female part. Guji, a butt. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh, ah-nah, which is ouch, which makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And to point with your lips instead of using your fingers just over there. Oh, wow. It's very handy, actually, when you think about it. Yeah, truly. Where's my hat? Over there. It's better. We're always flailing around with our goddamn hands. That's great. So off you went into, you literally started performing, singing, acting, whatever.

Doing plays at a young age. I don't remember a time I could sing. I wonder if pre-puberty I could. There's no recordings of it. I have the confidence of someone that can sing. I just can't. I'm just a bad singer. But I've always thought I, in my head, I always could.

I wonder if when I was a small child, I had a nice voice because I'm certainly acting like it. So if you... Well, I'll put myself in things on SNL where I'm singing and it's just... Okay, where did the confidence come for you? How the hell did you... That is... Because you are doing live TV around the world. When it comes to certain types of three-camera live audience comedy, I have very high self-esteem.

It's not in other parts of life. I have many struggles, but when it comes to direct address to an audience, I just have a real confidence that I'll figure it out. You do. But when I'm on a set, just doing any other kind of acting, there's a lot of, was that good? I have no idea. I really lose my bearings. Give me a nice... If somebody came along and said, here's a great dramatic part,

Oh, I'd love to do it. You should. Get to yell or possibly whisper because that can also be scary. I'm actually doing this play, Status Quo Vadis, opening tomorrow at the Wilshire E-Bell. Careful of the rim shots. They're deceiving. I'm really hoping for some raves.

It's funny. Theater is so hard to get off the ground. Everyone's always going, the theater business is struggling. I'm like, well, don't close shows with reviews. Yeah, that's one way. Don't shiv each other constantly. Saturday Night Live? Yeah. That came out of Conan? No. Yeah, they actually saw me on the Late Night with Conan show.

So they hired me as a, I auditioned, but they hired me as a writer. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler. Same year? 2008. Yeah. Will Forte? Will was there already. Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson, Kenan. Royalty. Yeah. Royalty. Literally royalty. Yeah. The best. And 2008, which was that election year. And yeah, it was a really funny time to be dropped in.

Because we did these Thursday...

what were they called? Thursday weekend updates. So we did special primetime shows and the Saturday shows. This is my first weeks. We did 12 shows in eight weeks. Wait, wait, wait. I don't remember this. Yeah, we did. Saturday Night Live and then Thursday. We did these Thursday weekend update specials leading up to the McCain Obama election. And they would be shown Thursday? It was live Thursday. Oh, wow. Probably like 9 p.m. Eastern. And all

all the writers at SNL we got to write for those as well obviously which was prime time money I remember Steve Higgins and Mike Shoemaker and Seth Meyers saying you're all going to get $9,000 an episode times three episodes and I was like you could make a living I was like this is the greatest I still remember walking home going I'm set I'm set I don't have to do anything ever again my rent is $800 I'm good yeah yeah I went and bought new pants

There was a brand of pants called Bonobos that had just come out. And they looked nice. That was their selling point. They go, these pants don't look like shit. Good around the butt. Yeah. Tapered. Leg. Ankle. They figured all the parts out. Where did you live in New York? I lived in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Oh. Had two roommates pretty close to Williamsburg. We're right off McCarran Park. I was there for the first couple years. And then one time...

The bridge went up because a boat was coming through. I couldn't get to Long Island City to get the train to Dirty Rock. So I moved into a studio at 12th Street and 7th Avenue next to St. Vincent's Hospital. And I wanted to live somewhere where if necessary, I could sprint in a straight line to work. Mary has this bizarre thing where...

She'll be driving someplace home and she starts, I don't know, two or three miles out going, can I walk home from here? She's always asking herself, can I walk home from here? Right. Meaning, is there enough side street? No. Do I have it in me?

40 miles. How long would it take me to walk? 60 miles. She's doing, calculating while I'm driving. I don't feel a lot of confidence coming my way from my driving, but she's always doing that. Sorry. Could I walk? Yeah. Could I walk that way? Yeah. I think about that too when I'm just on the 405 climb.

for two hours. I go, would I be able to figure this out? Yeah. If this just broke, you know, all electronics in the U.S. suddenly stopped, would I be able to just figure out side streets? Do I even know which way is north or south? I don't know. You came out of Saturday Night Live without PTSD, right? I mean... Yeah. Because...

Some of your compatriots do. Some of it's hard. Oh, it's very hard, yeah. And it's very competitive, yes? To get your material up and on. It's competitive with yourself and with the gods of show business. And I don't even mean the gods that run the show. I mean the sort of larger, just is something playing or not. But I recognize I had a very good experience there. I just...

having a boss. I liked fitting into a hierarchy. I like, I kind of like, what would be a good word? Bizarre, strong-willed people. I get a kick out of them. I liked working with some of these guys that the show had been there since 76 and were 90 years old and were just crazy and mean. I mean, really, like, I just got a kick. You're not offended.

No, I delighted in it. Yeah, that's great. I don't want to name names, but so many of them are dead. But there were just people go, you know, I remember Phil Himes, our lighting designer, he

Had started on NBC radio during World War II, as did Don Pardo. And we were doing a sketch where Fred was playing Obama. And it was like a, at one point he gets up in the Oval Office, Fred, and he looks out the window. So we kind of needed a special treatment, I thought, of lighting on the Oval Office windows so they were non-reflective or something. And I'm explaining this to Phil Himes and he stares at me and he goes, I fucking lit John F. Kennedy in the White House.

And I'm like 25 going, can you do this thing where the windows don't shine? Who was your head writer then? Seth Meyers. That was also a big part of it. I think generationally. Tina had gone. Tina had just left, right? 2007. So generationally, I think those of us that worked under Seth found it.

really friendly. And all the writers would cross-pollinate. So in terms of competition, we weren't... That's cool. Yeah. And did you perform as well? You were hired as a writer. Yeah, I did a couple weekend update features when I was a writer. But no, otherwise... When I auditioned, I thought...

They have Hayter and Fred and Andy and Forte and Sudeikis. They don't need a Caucasian man that looks like me at all. So I'm going to do this. This will be a cool thing to audition. But when I was there, I thought, I go, this cast is insane. I mean, I had hopes, but it wasn't like... You wouldn't look around and go, I think there's a spot for me. Right.

When you hosted, you were great. I remember watching that. Oh, dear Lord. Was that 1987, 88? I don't know. I blocked it out. You blocked it out. Are you serious? Did you Google me just so you could say that now? Yeah, I was reading your Wikipedia. I got squat feedback. You did? Oh, yeah. What are you talking about? And rightfully so. All I can say is I lived. That was my experience. You got zero feedback. No one said anything to you.

I don't think so. Or I was so terrified that it went over my head. It is a scary proposition. And fast, yeah. Very fast. And if you're a stand-up or a clever lad or a writer or something, you do your own monologue or you come with some ideas. I waited until Saturday morning for my monologue. And it turned out to be really Mike Myers' monologue. It was his first time on television.

the show, I think, performing. And he, I was, the bit was, I was this, I was Ted hosting and he was this French Ted in this parallel universe, but being very French and over the top with his comedy to the point where he wets his pants. And at the end of mine, I wet my pants. I remember that. That's what you get when you wait till Saturday morning. Yeah, exactly. We did that a lot. We'd give them a monologue.

friday night and go hey we love you hope you can swim have fun yeah this is it i'm happy proud that i did it or that i was even asked but it was yeah and then you were you popped up in kirstie alley's yeah we all did i think all of us saying and you were there i was there i was uh i was no i wish i was there no you watched on tv

Wait, but you, oh, so you saw me on TV. I wasn't on when you were, no, of course not. You were a kid. I was maybe five. Five. So I wasn't hired yet. Maybe that was, oh. I think that was it. It was that monologue. Yeah. I went, there's something to this. This parallel Ted French bit that we're still talking about all these years later. I need to take a break. Bill Hader.

The greatest. Oh! The greatest. He came here and I just fell hard. He is such a sweet smidge of sadness, brilliant, amazing actor. He can go dark, funny, light. So at, you know, he's in Tulsa when I'm in Chicago. I'm watching like old Ed Sullivan movies.

Bill, from like age 9, 10, his grandma took him to see Blue Velvet in the theater when he was like 7. That may have been one of the issues. It's so funny. Not just for a little kid to see Blue Velvet, but to see it in the theater and your date being your grandmother. And then his friend Duffy tells a story that he showed up at junior high one day just looking spooked.

And everyone went, what's wrong? And he went, I saw this movie, A Gear, A Wrath, A God, by Werner Herzog last night on TV. And he was like, showed up to junior high still shaken up by it. So he has the greatest...

Depth of influences, you know. And then is the Criterion channel in one person and then is able to make so much work inspired by that. And then is also just one of the best sketch comedy people ever. I think one of the...

I would stop anything to go see Stefan. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which was you. And Bill, yeah. Yeah, well. Those were incredibly fun to do. And I know these are old stories, but I love the fact that you would make up

He thought he'd be saying something off a cue card and you will have switched the cue card. So it was brand new material to crack them up. To crack them up and to just keep it really off balance. Yeah. It had to be a clean lift, you know, because what the goal was that Wally, the cue card guy that, you know, you sometimes see on, on the show, it was that when he, when you would lift the next card, um,

You wanted Bill's eyes to... It wasn't just cracking up. It was also this look of, oh, everything on this card is new. And luckily, it was like, it's weekend update, so it's straight down the barrel. But you'd see him going, and then...

And really, it's part is one. He doesn't know what the joke is going to be. And two, it's brand new text just as a human being that you have to read live. It was so exciting. Yeah. And Bill obviously has been open about, you know, having a lot of anxiety and panic on the air. So it was an extra funny thing to do. Yeah.

And Andy Samberg would stand next to the camera with his arms folded. And I think it was almost like that type of therapy when someone's afraid of cotton balls and then Maury Povich would have someone run out. It was like exposure therapy. Yeah. Yeah. That was just... Like when you said I had a really nice... These were your mean years.

Oh, are we out of them? These were, yeah, these were kind of a... No, I'm kidding. No, no, but there was a, it's funny looking back and going, even jokes we would write or things, like I said, we'd give someone a monologue who's just in an Oscar winning movie and go, that's it, you know, I'm 25 and I'm done typing. I think that's really good. It was a, it was a kind of cavalier quality. I guess we had to have it, but...

I do look back going, man, it's a funny thing for these really young-looking nerds to demand. NBC is yours for 10 minutes, the greatest. That is amazing. It's so funny. I've just heard about a serious but rare heart condition called ATTR, cardiac amyloidosis, or

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What are you waiting for? Shop now at Macy's.com or in stores. The 50th anniversary was great. It was really cool. Yeah, really. So many new pieces too. Spectacular. I liked it. It wasn't just like clip packages. A lot of performance and stuff. Yeah, that was really good. How long were you on that, working on that? In conversations for weeks leading up to it. But nothing got done. And then we all flew in around...

the Monday or Tuesday before, and then it really ramped up. But leading up to it was funny because you just knew that Lorne was... You just knew he was waiting just long enough that it got really scary. Yeah. Yeah. It was because we saw it coming for so many years, you had to make it disorganized in some way so that it could all come together by the broadcast. Were people pissed off or did they like the...

The scripted show about Saturday Night Live. Oh, the Jason Reitman one? Yeah. No, I didn't hear anyone was pissed off. I did get a physical though at UCLA hospital. And I get all this blood work done, prostate. They check my liver. Everything good? Everything good. The doctor, knowing a little of my history goes, I don't know how this is possible, but you have the liver of a 12 year old. I was thrilled.

that's really what you want in your organs is 12. Yeah. Yeah. Cause they've lived a little life, but they've got some more miles. So then we're finishing up the physical and he goes, I saw that movie Saturday night. Uh, so I have a real appreciation of what your career has been like. And I said, Oh, well, you know, that movie is not that accurate. And he goes, uh, cause I know Jason, he wouldn't make stuff up. And I go, yeah, but, um, I'm telling you, I'm

I'm telling you, some of it's embellished, but that's okay because it's for a movie. And he goes, from what I'm hearing, it's very accurate. And I go, sir, I don't, doctor, I don't want to have this conversation anymore. I'm trusting you with a lot of my blood. Can we shift gears? Yeah. Your kids have the most courageous parents I could imagine. Start with you and then Olivia. I mean, just what you do, stand up is courageous. Stand up is ridiculous. Dealing with

the courage to become sober is hugely courageous. Which... You becoming sober. Yeah, kids don't... My children are not my sober living companions, but a lot of credit to the absolute gift of them coming into my life. 100%. There are millions of reasons why people become sober. But they're all courageous and they are all, in essence, like holy wars.

So to me, you are amazingly courageous. And I think it shows up in your work.

This is very nice of you to say. I'm just taking it in. To your listeners, I'm quiet. I'm not nodding. He's right. He's understating it. He's getting it. He's starting to get it. And obviously your wife, what she went through dealing with cancer and how she dealt with it and how she went public, all of that is so courageous. And I just have hats off to you as a couple. That means a lot, Ted. Thank you. Yeah. And none of that's easy.

No, it's not. And what Olivia also did was in the midst of it, you know, before, you know, after her fourth, but before her fifth surgery, because to stop the potential spread of it, she had a hysterectomy and ophorectomy as well. So in the midst of it, we also made embryos so that our daughter could be here, which she is now, which is the greatest.

And in the midst of all of this, I always look back on when she was diagnosed in April through that whole year and go, she wasn't just courageous, but she was also so fun. We had so much fun. It's weird. I go through iPhone photos and I go, oh, that's you, me, and Malcolm in the backyard with the kiddie pool when...

you know, he decided to just pour so many pebbles into the storm drain and clog it up and whatever it was. And it's, I go, oh, that was three weeks after, after your lymph node dissection, whatever it is, it's always in the midst of that. So I really, um,

It wasn't just the courage of it. She also was just giving us. So it's always just her greatest, best self throughout it. Some of the, to me, courageous is also the being public about it so as to make sure other people don't, maybe some person wouldn't have to go through what she did. And it was really this lifetime risk assessment test that she had done is amazing.

The only reason they caught it. And it's not, you know, she had her mammogram. She was proactive about all that stuff. And if not, could have spread. Would have spread fast. Would have. Yeah. It was bilateral. Yeah. In four different places by the time they did an ultrasound, which is what found it. You know, not just a mammogram. So, wow. Just like the...

The luck of it and then obviously all the work she put into it. You were sober when that happened. You were long sober. Not long, but... December 2020. So, yeah. And this was... This was April of 2023. I think that's right. Don't you think... Did you have a part of you go, thank, for many reasons, but thank God I'm sober. Oh, yeah. To be able to be here for real. I remember not...

there was that. And then I remember one day I'm bringing her, she's in bed. Um, she had the 10 hour double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and she still has more to go. And I brought her a tray with, um, like apple juice, something she wanted to eat that her mom had made in the kitchen. And then it had, um, oxy cotton and, uh, some sort of nerve medication and a Xanax, which they also gave just for, um,

rest and recovery. And I'm walking, I go, oh, I haven't even, it never crossed my mind that I was holding these medications in my hand. Like the obsession of it was gone. You know, I thought, oh, I'm so far beyond that. And I can be a good butler with the best client. And yeah, but the presence also. And then it's,

People stay the same in so many ways. And I'm still the same person I was when I was like five in so many ways. But I will admit it's a huge change. Just a huge way of looking at everything. And... Yeah. I'm shocked I did it. I'm shocked I was able to do it. Become sober. To actually stick to it in every way. To not have, well, I still do this. To not, well, I'm trying, but I... Like...

Nothing wrong or shameful about relapse. I just mean I'm shocked always that it landed. Can you see yourself that not the, oh, I'm tempted to, but, oh...

I'm old. I'm feeling aggrieved. I'm some sort of trigger that used to cascade into, oh, I want to have a drug. Oh, yeah. Are you aware of those kind of things where you're, this is two miles out, but I can see it. I'm not tempted to have anything, but I can see it, and I think I'm going to nip that in the bud. I'm very lucky that

Life's been so great that it's always 30 miles out. But I'll be doing something and go, huh, you really want to be this exhausted, stretched thin guy?

a little, yeah, aggrieved. Do you really want to be in a situation or can you now just go, hey, I don't think what we're working on or I don't think what we're setting up in life here is going to pay off well. Or the word entitled pops into your brain. A little bit, yeah. I deserve blank, yeah. No. Luckily, those things are miles and miles off. But yeah, yeah. That's part of it is just always knowing...

Always so addicted to the self-control of it in some ways. And so happy that I'm always present when I'm with my kids and Olivia and friends and everything. I mean, you wouldn't even have been in the same hallway as Olivia if you hadn't

been sober. No. She would have been in Brazil in a different hallway. Yeah. She'd be off in Arizona in the 60s compared to where I was. She'd be in paradise and I'd be doing whatever. No, I was in a bad neighborhood of my brain for a while. And I acknowledge, always have respect for it that it's still there.

You go, I see you. I know you're there. But that's not, you know, my daily life is being afraid of it. Good on you, man. That's very nice of you to bring on this. I think sober people are my favorite kind of people because...

Because you earn something. I mean, not all sober. There are a lot of sober people who are assholes. A lot are assholes. And a lot, you know, the thing about it is you make such a major shift in your life. You have to also remember that there's 99% of things you still don't understand. About yourself. You still don't know shit about it. Yeah, exactly. I think sometimes when people go through sobriety, they're like,

They think I've just got it on lock. And I'm like, there's still things you could improve. Can I bounce around some more? How's your family with all of your immense success? Oh, my family of origin. Yes, your mother and father. Is your mother and your father alive? Yeah, they're in Chicago. Very alive. Traveling all the time. Yeah.

My dad's a corporate lawyer. My mom's a law professor. They recently left. They recently both, you know, entered more of a retirement. But everyone's really perfect about it in that happy for me, proud of me.

vocally proud, which is really nice. Yeah. And also have their own world of what they're interested in, what's also impressive. It's a nice measured thing. We grew up with a lot of... We'd go see stuff at the Steppenwolf Theater and the Goodman Theater. They've introduced us to a lot of things. So I felt like... It wasn't like I thought, I got to break out of this family and this town thing.

Because it was Chicago and it was the 90s, so it wasn't like... You're escaping. Escaping, yeah. You're not the black sheep. Oh, I'm the darkest of the sheep. Yeah. Yeah, but someone's got to be. Third. That's a good one to be. The third kid. Yeah. You can't pin that guy down. You have a younger brother and then one who...

Where was the child who passed away at birth? My brother Peter, that was after me. And then our younger sister Claire lives in Chicago as well. Yeah. There's an example of courage to having a child after a child. You know, it's amazing you say that. I don't think I've ever really talked to my parents about that. But I just remember them telling us after Peter that we're going to have a baby and

My memory is, and I was pretty young, was the three of us going, okay, just not understanding. Not understanding from my perspective, I don't speak for my brother and sister, not fully understanding what had happened or if that is what always happens or, you know, it's a strange thing.

Your job is to be out—I don't know what your job is, sorry, but my impression is being outrageous. But you need to be willing to go anywhere to accomplish whatever the moment is. You need to be courageous and outrageous and maybe shocking and maybe wildly inappropriate or whatever. Where do you keep your moral confidence?

Do you have a kind of a compass that goes, nope, too far? Yeah, for sure. I don't mean to sound kind of hokey, but I remember I had a joke in 2005 about what was, I guess, 2005. Yeah, about the ongoing war in Iraq and Bush and Trump.

I was working on it. I was at a club. It was something about how they were treating it like performance art, where it's like, oh, you're not supposed to get it because they were so cryptic about why it was failing. I can't remember the bit in full. But this woman came up to me after and she said, you know, my son's serving overseas. I just want to say you ruined my night. And I thought, I don't like that.

I don't like ruining someone's night. That's still kind of the thing in my head. And I was once opening for Brian Posehn at Caroline's Comedy Club. And I was behind this couple that got the bill. They were really enjoying the show. They got the bill. And they're looking it over, you know, two drink minimum. And they're looking at it. And he goes, well, we just won't go out for the next couple weeks. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I thought,

oh yeah, you gotta fucking deliver. This isn't like, for me. And by the way, this is not me sounding off on what comedians should be like because I don't care at all. It's one of the most boring conversations. I care about me and my career. Find your own success. Go do it. You want to debate woke or whatever, just go fill airwaves with that. It's so boring. And also, I don't give a shit. I want me to be successful. The rest of you can kick rocks. But, uh...

I remember thinking like, yeah, this isn't a confrontational piece of performance art. I like to just, I like to at least not ruin your night and maybe make you think the check was worth it somewhere in between. Sorry, I just flashed. Now I can't remember the name of the bit. It was in your opening monologue, maybe of your first time back on this rendition of your show about the band that you were going to hire. Yeah.

Oh, that was on Wednesday. That was this Wednesday? Yeah. That was the funniest, funniest. Oh, I'm glad you like that. Oh, I love it. Oh, that's great. I was laughing out loud. Yeah, I just did that one. I did think like, you know, I was like, well, yeah, I don't want to just air dirty laundry from booking the show. But I was like, this was, it was so, it was so genuinely frustrating on Monday and Tuesday and so funny to me by Wednesday. Yeah.

It was really, yeah. I encourage you all to go listen to it if you don't know what we're talking about because it is hysterical. But is the guy a con artist? He must be, right? Oh, I don't know. I really don't know. Well, what else? There's been no contact. Oh. There's been no contact since. I was dealing with someone. I don't know in what capacity. I definitely was asked for a ton of money. Yeah.

He may have given you a great monologue in a way. Yeah, you know, someone said, my head writer, David Ferguson, right before I walked out, he went, such a gift in the end. And I went, yeah, but I'm still mad. Yeah, you should be. I was like, I almost wanted to say that on the air. Like, unless you think this monologue is some kind of silver lining, I'm still very pissed off about it.

That was really fun. I'm glad you liked that. Yeah, really good. That was a bit like, okay, this is a long... I remember, yeah, up to Wednesday at 7. In terms of the live thing, I thought I had some notes on cue cards, but I was like, there's so many details and I want to tell this well, but that gave it, for me, a really fun... Do you have a team of people now, meaning writers and everybody who are...

with you so whatever's next you can go are are you for the show no no the show has an amazing staff of writers but um but if you go off and do something else it'll be something else yeah when i go on tour it's just me yeah what do you have a what's next do you have a five years from now in your head no specifically no five years no three months

three months in the future is the most I'll plan with children. Now I'll give six months, but I find, I don't know. Do you five years? I just, I just minus, please. Thank you. Thank you. Please let me be able to, when we did it, Martin short night, he was gracious enough to be on a sitcom I did in 2014. And he said to me, he goes, John, 98% of the business is failure because that's what

what most of it is. You just do things that don't quite work and then you do the next thing. And I thought, oh, okay. That's great. Yeah. I've always been successful, really. I usually can't pull that off. Thank you for the laugh. Hey, I just want to say this is extremely nice to talk to you. It sort of hit me

a little late in the interview, but you can edit this into the beginning if you want. Or just on a loop. Or just on a loop, yeah. It's a real thrill to be able to talk to you and it's extremely cool to hear you having watched anything of mine or let alone thought about it. I have binged you. You know, the first thing I think...

All good things, all good hip things come from my steps on Charlie McDowell, Mary's. Nice. Yeah. And he, it was, oh shoot, the Broadway show, Oh Hello? Oh yeah, Nick Kroll and I, yeah. Yeah. That was like, whoa, where did these guys come from? Yeah, that was kind of the,

That was like opening up on Broadway, like in a movie, a gangster movie when a guy has a Tommy gun and he just kicks open a door like he can barely control it. That's Oh Hello is like that. It was just

An assault of jokes. Yeah. No, it was. No, it was. But it worked. It was so funny. So outrageous. And we kind of knew having this long run on Broadway. I remember Nick and I talking about it like, this is like being on the moon. Like, I don't know how we got here. And I don't know if we'll ever be able to come back. But it was really... How long a run was it? You know, September to February, I think. Wow. Yeah. That is a long run. Eight shows a week. Yeah. What theater were you? At the Lyceum.

Don't you, will you not always have this little tug in your heart when you're in New York and you walk by it? Oh, that great show, Oh Mary, is there now. And I went to see it and it was the first time I'd sat inside the theater since that show. It was really cool. I don't have the whatever to do theater again, but yeah, too scary. It's not because of the status quo bodice experience. No, here's what it was. Okay.

And the age helps after a while to convince you, nah, take three and take four and take five is a really good safety valve for acting at my age. Interesting. My wife doesn't feel that way. She's 72 and she loves the idea of theater. But I was at the Atlantic Theater in New York. Yeah. Which is like a feeder theater to Broadway shows. And Neil Pepe and Mary McCann were,

who run it, are great friends. And they were doing the 25th reunion of the whatever anniversary, I mean. And so they had five, 25 playwrights.

And each one was assigned to 20 minutes of anything. It can be opera, it can be whatever. And each week we'll do five of you and we'll do five weeks of this and we'll raise money and celebrate. So they asked people to come and do it. And I did this. I got a monologue. It was 19 minutes long monologue. And you had not real rehearsal. You worked on it at home and you came in and you ran it with Neil and

maybe for an hour or two. Who was the playwright that wrote it? Shit, I knew you were going to ask me. It was brilliant too. It was about this guy who sits in front of an audience trying to tell them why he's trying to piece together why he's so upset with

And he goes through his day. He's kind of middle management, and he's just getting more and more. But he can't figure out what it is. He goes home, says hi to his wife. His wife wants him to go down into the cellar, the basement of their house, the guts of me. He goes down, and it is literal. His basement is Hades, is hell. Not like a symbolic. He walks into hell. Horrified, terrified, walks back up.

She hands him the dog, take him, and he walks the dog. And by the time he comes back, he's forgotten that hell is in his basement. So you realize every... So it was a panicky kind of delivery. And I psyched myself out. Backstage, lights go down. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What do I do? No, just go out. The lights come on and I walk to my place. 20 seconds in...

I dry as a bone. Cannot remember a single word. 20 seconds in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The stage manager who's in the booth probably just went back and was sitting down with a cup of coffee when I asked for a line.

So she, and she, I had seen somebody ask for a line the week before. It was not uncommon. These weren't heavily rehearsed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was stunned to hear, I thought someone would whisper it from the wings. No, it's from a microphone in the back of the house. That's so funny. You have to go, line, please. And then the line comes over the, you know. So I thought I'll ask in a clever way, at least. I'll say, Darcy, which was her name, Darcy, what happens next?

That's so funny. And she just sat down, spilled her coffee over everything and gave me the line that I had said last and not the one I needed. Yeah. So I started again, failed again, and I had to ask again. But in that moment, it was like I stuck my finger into a light socket. It was like, zzzz.

fuck, do I run? I'm going to cry. God damn it. My daughter's in the audience. You know, and then you move on. But I had so much adrenaline in my body. Uh-huh.

My poor daughter had to walk me around the city block three or four times drinking two big, huge water things to get, I had real toxic amount of adrenaline in my body. Oh, it's so funny. That could be the origin story of someone that loves live theater. You know, I'll know. Yeah. How old was your daughter?

Oh, she was old enough to be fine with what she saw. She was just, oh, shake it off. She was relaxed. No one knew, Dad. Yeah. I bet some people knew. I'll tell you this. It's also nice when people go, yeah, that didn't go well. I almost had a meltdown last night because I'm about to start scratch that. I had a meltdown.

last night because I haven't done a podcast in three or four months. So you're the first. And I start the second season of the Netflix show that did well. And now I have to see if it's going to do well again. And we start in two weeks. And I was just, no, I'm incapable. I don't know what to do. Fear just overwhelmed me.

It's a real pleasure to have sat down with you and talked with you. You're amazing. You're so bright. You're talented. You're kind and you're a sweet man. You're such a fantastic actor and creator and person in our life. You brought so many happy moments to my life. It is incredibly nice to meet you. And everything you've said will mean a lot to me forever. Thank you. Yeah, we'll cut that in. That was John Mulaney.

I had the best time talking to him. He waited till the very end to give me any kind of compliment, but all's forgiven. Everybody's Live airs on Netflix live on Wednesdays, 10 p.m. Eastern or 7 p.m. Pacific for you West Coasters. And do check out his other specials on Netflix, especially Baby J.

That's it for this episode. Thanks to our friends at Team Coco. And once again, you can subscribe to our show on your favorite podcast app, and you can give us a great rating and a review on Apple Podcasts if you have some time and you're in the mood. And if you like watching your podcast, don't forget you can watch this episode in its entirety on YouTube. See you right back here next week where everybody knows your name.

♪

You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson, Sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Leal. Our executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer. Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grahl. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Bautista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Genn, Mary Steenburgen, and John Osborne. ♪

This is Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the promo. And in 30 seconds, I'm going to tell you why you should check out the show. I, the host, Scott Aukerman, have a lighthearted conversation with famous celebrities like Jon Hamm, Alison Williams, Phoebe Bridgers, Jason Alexander, Natasha Lyonne, Bob Odenkirk, just to name a few. Things go a little bit different.

Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast. Listen every Monday wherever you get your podcasts.

Sun's out, snacks out, and My Mochi ice cream is your go-to summer treat. My Mochi's bite-sized beauties are only around 70 calories each. They're packed with cool, creamy ice cream and wrapped with soft, chewy dough. Totally satisfying, perfectly portioned, and ready to cool you down with every delicious bite.

MyMochi ice cream fits your summer vibe. Treat yourself smart with a joyfully chill sensation of MyMochi. Look for the purple box of MyMochi at Walmart or visit MyMochi.com to find a store near you.