The primary challenges include the husband's physical symptoms, his compulsive behaviors, and the strain on their relationship. The wife feels overwhelmed by the caregiving role and the husband's reluctance to share his feelings, leading to communication breakdowns and a sense of isolation.
The wife feels resentful because she worries that his quietness is not due to a lack of things to say, but because he is hiding important issues or feelings. This lack of transparency makes her feel like she doesn't know what to expect, leading to a sense of fear and resentment.
The husband's addiction to pornography has caused significant trust issues and emotional distress for the wife. She feels betrayed and worried that he is hiding more details about his spending and activities. This has also affected their sexual relationship and the wife's ability to feel desired.
Esther Perel advises the husband to acknowledge his wife's feelings, validate her experiences, and empathize with her. She suggests he should create a safe space for her to vent and not try to fix everything immediately. Additionally, she recommends using a code word, like 'glove,' to indicate when he needs to be a supportive listener.
The wife finds it difficult to shift from 'mom mode' to a sexual relationship because being in caretaking mode makes her feel selfless and responsible for others' needs. When the husband comes to her with confidence and strength, it helps her transition out of caretaking mode and feel more desirable.
The wife fears that they will not live a fulfilling life and will remain in survival mode, while the husband fears losing his wife. These fears highlight the need for them to find a balance between dealing with the disease and maintaining their quality of life.
Esther Perel advises the couple to continue creating joyful experiences, separate their roles as caregivers and partners, and build a support network. She emphasizes the importance of choosing a positive attitude and finding creative solutions to maintain their quality of life despite the challenges.
This is a classic session of Where Should We Begin, but might still be new to many of you. Almost two years ago her husband was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's Disease. They have three kids, a mortgage to pay, and he has developed some compulsive behaviors he isn't proud of. Esther helps them learn how to turn off the 'caregiver,' and remember they are much more than that to each other.
If you have an individual question you would like to talk through with Esther, please send a voice memo to [email protected]. If you would like to apply for a couples session with Esther, please click here: https://bit.ly/40fGHIU.
Esther’s two new courses on desire are now available inside The Desire Bundle. Go to https://www.estherperel.com/course-bundles/the-desire-bundle to learn more about Bringing Desire Back and Playing with Desire.
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