New Age Parenting Styles w/ Destini Davis
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Can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to he can only bless you and the lane that was created for you You don't need no edge entity you need boundaries What? I don't need your likes I don't need your validation All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things Child

Okay, so let me set the scene for you. I'm seven, maybe eight years old. I am in my parents' formal living room. They have this round couch that is upholstered with some type of floral imprint on it. Behind this couch is this gold leopard standing in some type of position as if it is on the

prowl. It was my favorite ladder when I was a kid time and time again, my parents would tell me don't you step on that leopard? Don't you step on that leopard? Did that stop me? No, because I ain't no sucker. I'm going to keep pushing no matter what. So time after time again, I would find myself riding on that leopard even though my parents told me to get off.

until one day I amputated the leopard's paw. It wasn't on purpose. I guess maybe I'd had one too many chicken nuggets and I broke the paw off the leopard. Oh, I'm in trouble now because they have told me over and over again to get off of it. The moment that they saw it was broken, they knew it was me and they came to my room asking me the questions. What happened to the leopard? Why would you do it? We told you not to do it. And my response was...

The devil made me do it. Hear me out. They're pastors. They know the Lord. They ought to be able to pray me through this, not whoop me through it instead. I knew that if I would have told them that I just did it because I felt like it and I didn't want to be obedient, that I was going to get a whooping. So I tried a new angle. Let me tell you something. The new angle didn't work. That is not always the answer, because let me tell you something. That new angle got me the same old butt whooping.

After I got that butt whooping, I looked myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face, sad music playing in the background. And I said to myself, I am never going to whoop my children. Now, fast forward a few years later, and my son is doing something. God knows what. I'm frustrated because I've told him time and time again, do not do it. Don't touch it. You can't have it. Blah, blah, blah. And you know what I did when he took one step too far? I

pop that tail. Now let me tell you something, there's a statute of limitations on whoopings. So I don't think I just admitted to a crime. But what I did admit to is that my heart changed, but not my strategies. Isn't that what happens to so many of us, we can have a heart change that says I'm never going to whip my children, I'm never going to do this, I'm never going to do that. But unless our mind changes, we cannot produce a new strategy that will help what happened in our heart to show up in our lives.

I guess that's why Paul wrote in Romans 12, one and two to not be in the world, but to be don't do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. That means that your transformation is only as powerful as what takes place in your mind.

This scripture gives us so much insight into the possibilities that exist as it relates to transformation. Yes, God wants to touch your heart. Yes, God wants to see you be made new. But if it doesn't start in your mind, then it may not show up in your life.

This must be what happened to Destiny Davis when she came to a place in her life when she realized that the strategies that she was employing as a parent needed to change. She felt it in her heart, but it wasn't until she got the tools, the language, and the resources that allowed it to show up in her life that everything began to change.

Today I'm talking to Destiny Davis. She is a certified parent coach. She teaches with empathy and empowers parents to shift the culture of their homes to more intention, grace and presence. I wanted to talk to her coming off of the heels of Mother's Day.

Because I believe so many of us are trying to make sure that we do not traumatize our children in a way that we were traumatized, that we teach them to advocate for themselves, to use their voice and to be empowered to be a person, not just a little robot that shows up in our world. The only problem with that is that it also bumps up against this idea of don't talk back, get somewhere and sit down, be seen and not heard.

Destiny is going to help me and you employ new strategies so that we can have hope for our children that we maybe did not possess for ourselves. Now, let me tell you something. You may be listening to this and think to yourself, miss me with all of that. Mr. Spoon, Mr. Belt, Mr. Hand is always going to be on standby. I don't care how you feel. I care what needs to be done. And I get that.

I think all of us benefit when we hear perspectives that are different from our own. So whether you're ready to make a change or you're just getting started on this journey, I encourage you to take heed to some of the tips that are shared today. It may be something that you add to the ingredients of what you're already doing, or maybe it creates a complete overhaul. Regardless of what it is, Destiny Davis has shown myself and many others

that it is not as difficult to get started as we may believe. Whether you're just getting started or you're decades into this parenting journey, let's sit down and expand our perspective on what's possible for us as we take on the new strategies that help our children become all that they can be. Hi. Hi. How are you?

I'm well. How are you? I'm doing excellent. You're my favorite person. Goals. I have lots of questions for you on today. On this day, you're going to answer some questions for me. I'm here for it. You're having a good day? I'm having an incredible day. Tuesdays are my favorite. Oh, really? Why? My favorite day of the week.

Because I usually don't do anything. I usually kind of just do nothing. Yeah. Thursdays are my favorite day of the week because I usually take Fridays down. And so I know that once I get through Thursday, that when I get the girls up on Friday, that my day is going to be clear and I will have to do nothing for a very long time. So, you know, I'm the same way on Thursdays because my girls leave on Friday. So I'm like, I want Friday to be the best day. So I don't do nothing on Thursday. So I can give you the best version of me Friday. Right.

And then I'll see you later. Okay, Destiny, gentle parenting. Let me tell you about it. I don't know if I'm doing a good job or if I have just given up and they are whooping me because there are some days where I feel like, I think this is gentle parenting, but I also feel like they're running all over me and I don't know how to tell the difference. But when I need help, I go to your TikTok page and I am inspired. You know, the girls, they're talking back

They're expressing themselves. They're doing all of the things that would have got me toe up from the flow up. But you have inspired me to give them freedom. So tell me, like, how did this journey? Were you gentle parented or not so much? Girl, absolutely not. Not even close. No, I was not gentle parented.

I got spankings. I heard all the spoiler rods. I heard all the, I'm doing this because I loved you. But even beyond just that, I think that I was not consciously parented. And what I mean by that is that I don't think my parents really genuinely were parenting the child that was in front of them. They were kind of parenting this idea of what a child should be. And on the other side of that, I don't think they were conscious of their triggers and the ways that they needed to heal. So yeah,

Yeah, no, absolutely not. It was not just a period. It was beautiful. Sure. Yes, me too. Love him to death, all of that. But, you know, I think that for me growing up and I think for most black children that I know growing up, I won't make my experience everyone's experience that a child was meant to stay in a child's place, which was generally out of the way, quiet, compliant and not taking up any space or making noise. And I think that's what I think.

And I think that we were rewarded for that behavior. The only thing is, I think it also stifled our ability to then express ourselves, have an open communication and relationship with ourselves, our parents, other people. And so trying to create that space for my children has been my heart's desire, but it's also been one that's a little bit challenging because I have a reflex, an ancestral reflex of,

that comes up when there's a talking back, when there's a why, when there's a wait, let me finish. And I find myself at war between the parent I want to be and the parent that I have experienced. And I just, I want to know, how do you deal with the complex nature of you doing something different for your children that you did not experience yourself?

Well, I have a preteen. So we in the, yeah, I'm like, we are in the thick of it with the spice and attitude and the talking back. And that's, it's not my default to be gentle. I was not a gentle child. It's not my default. And so for me personally, these gentle parenting tools are more of conflict resolution, right? So I'm probably gonna lead with who you're talking to. I'm probably gonna lead with that.

But the resistance comes and I think that resistance is a reminder to me like, okay, let me go on my tool belt. Let me try to redirect her. Let me get more conscious and see why we're having a conflict. But the Mary Poppins voice is not what I lead with. I typically don't lead with that. But I think that when we're meeting a point of conflict and it's not working, it doesn't feel good, it's good to have

those tools. But I don't want anybody to think that just because that's not your default, like repair is what matters most. What we do after those moments is what teaches our kids how to take accountability, how to resolve conflicts. You can't resolve conflicts. Ain't no conflicts. We get plenty of practice every day. You have to tell me a little bit of like, how did you go from this not being your default setting to it becoming the place that you strive to be and then also inspire other people?

people to pursue this place of conscious parenting and being present like how did you go how did this happen did you see someone do it and you were like I want more of that how did you stumble into it

Well, when my mom started shift gears, but when my mom passed away, I always say that's when I became a parent. So I had my daughter at 19. I became a parent when I was like 24. And so at that point in time, it was very permissive. Like you were talking about in the beginning, it was, I did not want a parent like my parents, but I didn't have any tools. And so she was walking all over me, want no bedtime, want no boundaries, say whatever you want. And she was like,

it got to a point where that was becoming too much for me and where I was seeing her confidence start to go in the opposite direction because she didn't have a leader. And that's when I really started to look into conscious parenting. And I, Dr. Shefali was the first person that introduced me to this, her work. And that was the shift for me where I was like, I want to bring boundaries in. I see how in my childhood I,

I was parented very firmly, but I also didn't have a lot of boundaries. I had way too much freedom. And then when I got into things because of my freedom, the response was very harsh. And to me, leadership is about compassion, but it is also about the boundaries and expectations, those kinds of things. So I wanted to make sure that I was transitioning from permissive, but that I kept the compassion while showing my daughter, I am the leader. You can trust me. I can

I can handle this. And I wanted to increase that safety because she had emotional safety. Like I have her back a thousand percent, but when it came time to, okay, but is mom going to make sure I get up for school or if I'm being rude to somebody, is that fine? Like, she's just not going to say anything because she wants me to be happy or she wants me to be her friend or, you know, she doesn't want to rock the boat. That was a major, major transition for me. And we,

Lord, are still transitioning. I was going to say, like, how do you... Because someone's listening to this undoubtedly and they're like, girl, it's too late. Like, I have already knocked them upside their head. I have already let them do whatever. And reintroducing a new style of parenting when there's already been somewhat of a framework set by previous experience can be hard. But if someone is listening to this and they're like, I do want to try and...

and repair some of the damage or maybe misguidance that I have allowed to happen in my children's lives. How do they begin that process?

I think what's most important is rebuilding trust. A child is going to resist. They've almost built up an intolerance for that connection, whether you've been too firm or you've been too passive. They can't trust you to be the leader or they can't trust you to have compassion for them. You have to rebuild that trust. And for us personally, it's

Trust rebuilding trust. Number one meant that I have to stick to my word like she has to see. OK, mommy is serious about this change. She sees the discipline in my life and she sees that no matter what, we're still going to get up. We still have to do we have to do. We're still going to do school or whatever.

But then the other side of that is really empathizing and connecting with your child enough that you, we know, we know exactly what is going to break the moment and it's going to break them down and bring them in. Sometimes it's hard for us to do that. When my daughter,

is looking at me it's like I'm not doing this like this is dumb this is dumb this is your fault you shouldn't homeschool me doing all of that you shouldn't homeschool me now I have to do this isn't it fair I'm not gonna do it and I'm like I want to lecture so bad but right now what she needs is just for me to hear her and the minute I go put my hand on her back

And give her a hug. All that just like fades and all of our kids have that. And I think that I can't get caught up in trying to fix what has been. I have to get caught up in or have to focus on repairing the trust, like I said, and keeping my word, keeping the compassion, but at the same time doing what I say that I'm going to do.

Did you expect for your TikTok to become like the home of all of us out here trying to struggle and conscious parent and the people who I'm sure you get lots of trolls who are like, this don't make no sense. Like, did you expect when you started posting it for it to have the response that it's received?

I did only because my daughter is the one that told me to get on TikTok. She was like, mom, you're going to get on TikTok. You're going to be great. You're going to be rich and you'll be famous. This is what she said to me the day she told me to. We kind of sort of said my guy like the famous part. We're not about the rich part. But I she manifested that. And I was like, this is going to be a positive thing for black mothers and black daughters and black sons to be able to.

a change in the connection with their parents. And I think that the reason that it's resonating so well is because I try not to come from a place of judgment. It's not about getting it right. It's not about me having the right tools. I hope that if anything, the things that I say really inspire somebody to be like, you know what, I do have the answers. And the better I take care of myself, the easier it is for me to find those answers inside of me.

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That's so good. What I love, too, is that you share openly about the fact that you're co-parenting while also conscious parenting. That's a whole different co-parenting situation. Can you conscious parent with a co-parent that is unconscious, that is not doing the things that need to be done in order to foster the environment that you want for your children? I wish that I could say that it's an easy thing. Mm hmm.

It's not an easy thing. Number one, because that co-parent is probably going to bring out parts of you that don't serve your child best. Yeah, that's probably the biggest piece of it is when you're all riled up or you're upset about something and you just want so desperately for them to get it or to treat your child differently or whatever. And it really does get in the way. So I will say that my finest moments.

co-parenting has been when I'm focusing on myself and on the things that I can control. I also have to recognize and acknowledge that the best defense that I can give my child is to boost her confidence and her self-esteem. And I don't have to bash the other person or anything like that. I just have to make her feel good about herself so that she knows as she gets older and can

process her experiences that whatever happens to her, whether it's from her parents or it's from a man or it's from her job, whatever does not mean something about who she is as much as who they are or the choices that they are making. So I try to focus on what's going on in my house and have conversations with her about how she feels about experiences. Cause we'll project too. They'll come home and tell us something and we automatically like,

oh, no, they didn't. But sometimes our children experience things differently than we do. And I don't need to make something trauma that isn't trauma. And when she's feeling something, that's an opportunity for me to help her process it and increase her resilience or her empathy for somebody else or her compassion for herself. So I try to take it in stride, but I'm not going to say anything.

Do you ever worry that like the other side is going to win? Cause I think as a co-parent, you know, you can, you already understood the question. Like I could tell, I'm like, you know, there's this stage when you're raising children where you're pouring as much as you know, to pour into them. And yet the reality is that there is another parent that's pouring or dripping something into them as well. And,

And those aren't always values that you agree with or morals that you espouse. And yet you're pouring it all into the child and hoping for the best. And if we're honest, there are moments where it feels like, you know, I don't know whether or not what I'm pouring is strong enough to overcome the negativity or those broken values that are being passed down from the other side of the family.

And yet we continue to pour anyway in hopes that God's going to make up the difference when it's all said and done and that the kid will come to a place where they're able to make those sound wise decisions from a place of maturity. But what do you do in those moments where you're concerned that like it's in there, right? Like they getting this. Yeah, it comes down to acceptance and acceptance.

I learned a long time ago that my daughter is not here to complete my story. She's here to have her own story. And while I'm attached to the journey, if I attach myself to the outcome too much, it's going to impact the way that I am showing up on the journey. So it is my hope and my prayer that, you know, all the magic that I'm doing over here, you know, is...

It's what quote unquote wins. But at the end of the day, my only desire is to be a soft place for her to land with whatever happens and to instill her as much as possible on my end and

It definitely is a fear there. And I do think about it, but I try not to let it overtake me because like I said, then it's going to start to impact. Because, you know, when we're anxious, we're parenting from fear. Yeah. We get very helicopter, very controlling. And what that does is, yeah, it may look like things are going well, but it often creates codependency.

Whereas like you need me. And we see those adult relationships with parents, whereas I need you for every decision. We are not respecting each other's boundaries. And I don't want that. I want her to be able to go off on her own and do her own thing. And I have to be okay with the fact that at some point there is a possibility that quote unquote her own thing may not have necessarily been the thing that I chose for her. And I just have to trust that.

I love the idea of the outcome not being connected ultimately to your identity as a parent or whether or not the outcome is going to be like the ultimate report card on whether you passed or failed the parenting test. Because I do think that successful children...

It feels like successful children is the result of successful parenting. And if there is a child that's still struggling to find their way, then maybe the parent didn't show up that way or didn't show up in a way that was best suited for them. And yet the reality is I personally feel like everybody's doing the best that they can, even if that best is not ideal, even if that best

was abusive, I think that that was the best that a person had to offer at any given moment. And when we come to a place where we accept that this is the best that this person is capable of giving, then I think that there does have to be a healthy level of detachment so that we are not connecting our

whole self-worth and self-value based on someone else's actions and journeys. But that's hard, especially as a parent when it's like a direct reflection or feels like a direct reflection of what's taking place at home.

Yeah, I mean, I'm on this stage, so to speak. So I'm very conscious of it. I'm like, Lord, we out in public and the five year old over here cutting up. So I'm going to be like, tools ain't working. What's going on? So I definitely feel that. And I think that if we let it, this is an opportunity for us to really check ourselves and be like, well, why does this even matter? Why am I putting money?

my self-worth. Like we say that all the time, you shouldn't put your self-worth on somebody outside of you. Why in the world would we put it in an autonomous small person? You know what I'm saying? Like they just got here. And I think that when I do that, it's an opportunity for me to check in and be like, oh, this is like my trauma. Like me being embarrassed right now has nothing to do with her. And I need to ease that and calm that and focus on that because I

When we don't do that, we really rob them of like the whole point of this journey. And it's really to find themselves and who they are. And I just I just don't want them to be carbon copies and I don't want them to be soldiers. I don't want them to make me happy. It's just it's not fair. And even though we do it all the time, I am honored to have kids that I have empowered to be able to show me in many ways when I am doing just that.

Are you the only one that conscious parents in your circle or are you conscious parenting with a crew of conscious parents?

Oh, no, I have a crew, a crew of conscious parents for sure. I do have people in my circle that don't conscious parent, though. I wonder, do they ever be like, girl, no, that's crazy. Like, do you or your kids are cutting up and they'd be like, need to whoop them. If you whoop them, that straightens them right on up. And like, how do you incubate your belief system in environments that don't support it? Yeah, so I think that it's important for me personally, when somebody's in my life, you don't have to have the same values perpetually.

per se if we're going to be friends but you do have to respect my values when it comes to me and definitely to my friends so I have I mean to my kids so I do have a friend and she'll like joke about like you know well I would have did this girl you're gonna say that to your mama but I have a very loving way of like no it's okay I'm gonna handle it when we get home and we just keep it moving and we've done that enough times where it's like we can just

respect each other's boundaries on that now if somebody was dead serious about it we just wouldn't be friends because I wouldn't want my kids to I personally wouldn't want my kids to see children be disciplined that way yeah

Okay. So I have a question for you. You're a certified parent coach and I need some parenting help. So I'm about to put you to work. Okay. So my seven-year-old daughter seems to be an externalizer. So the moment she feels something, she doesn't hold it in. Like she's going to have the outburst. It's going to be some type of anger. And now whenever I ask her to do things that she doesn't want to do, she whines like, Ella, you need to take a bath. And like, Oh,

Ellie, you need to be close. Like she whines. Sometimes she only whines. Sometimes she's doing it, but she's whining. But everything has a little bit. No, not a little bit. A lot of whining and annoying and everything in me wants to like really turn into the ancestors and just be like, girl, no.

Suck it up. Girl, stop making all that noise. Girl, I'm going to give you something to cry about. I bet you if I whoop you, you know what I mean? Like all of those things are in my spirit. I need tools. So she's doing it and whining. First of all, she's still doing it. Sometimes she's doing it and whining. Sometimes she's like, hold on, wait, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I'm like the whole, all of the excuses, but it's like for every single thing.

Well, first of all, at seven, they do not have the executive functioning skills to be able to hear a task and automatically do a task, get it done and not have some sort of complaint or whatever. So I think the first step really is just acknowledging this is normal. Sometimes we feel like because we didn't do stuff as kids because we didn't have the freedom to, there's something wrong with my kid or they're testing me. Like, no, they're just being kids. We just didn't have the freedom to be kids. So acknowledging that, that's

That's that's step number one. I think that all parents, we just need like a little bit of developmental brain development education. Go read Whole Brain Child. You'd be that's good right there. But understanding. Yes. So good. Understanding that that's developmentally appropriate for them to resist.

Number one. Number two, recognizing that their priorities are just different. And when I look at it from that note, it's not that she doesn't want to do or what I'm asking her to do is she's trying to disrespect me when I'm saying go take a bath. It's that my priority is getting into bed because I want to have me time and I want to wake up and have a good day. A kid's not prioritizing that. Her job is to prioritize play. And so if you understand what their priority is,

It takes us to either keep bumping our heads, going against each other's priorities, or maybe I can find a way to incorporate both of these in this moment. Now, again, that's not always going to be the first instance, but when it comes to a point where now I'm getting frustrated, I see where the evening is going. Let me humble that self and just do what makes sense or do whatever

I got to do first. Maybe I, you know, maybe bath time is going to start 10 minutes late because I need to go pray or I need to go sit down for a second. I need to take some deep breaths so that I can tap in and acknowledge everybody's priorities. Like imagine being in a relationship where your priorities are always last. A kid's priorities are always last.

second to ours you know what I'm saying all day long that's why they so turns up at the end of the day they've been prioritizing staying in a line sitting at their desks they literally don't get to do what they want to do majority of the day and so when we're coming up against resistance I think in that moment I would be like she's prioritizing play I'm higher prioritizing bath how can we do both of those things we need to make getting into the bathtub a playful experience

Outside of that, when that's not working, that's when the boundaries come in. Okay. So my daughter in the mornings, she don't be wanting to get dressed. She's five. Why would she want to get dressed? She want to play. She want to watch Bluey. So Bluey is paused until you put them pants on. Great. The pants are on. Now Bluey's playing. Okay. Now Bluey's paused again. So you put the shirt on, like you're still getting to do what you want to do, but there's boundaries there. So I think acknowledging their development and where they are developmentally is

giving them an opportunity to have their priorities be important excuse me and then when all else fails sometimes we do got to step in with a boundary like sis it's it's nine o'clock I'm I'm not asking for the iPad anymore sorry like don't hold on too tight because it might hurt you when I grab this you're gonna say I hit you I told you I was grabbing it so I'll

I hope that answers your question. It does. It just is challenging me to be more creative because I definitely would prefer some compliance. And I think part of really successfully meeting a child where they are and seeing a child, each child individually requires a level of just creativity. And so I think to your point, I'm probably going to have to take a minute and reset instead of like coming home and putting on my mom hat so that I can show up from a space of abundance and

creativity and compassion so that I, cause I be ready for her. I'm like, here you go. Every single day. Well, and I also want to say on the other side of that, because yes, a lot of it is creativity, but a lot of us are a little more permissive than we think. And children can't, children can get on a routine, right? But we have to be willing to be consistent with it. And sometimes we like,

You know, sitting in the bathroom for 45 minutes and we should have started a nighttime routine an hour ago. You know what I'm saying? So their rhythms are thrown off when we throw them off. My five year old is the most rambunctious wild child in the world. And we were having a really hard time with bedtimes and her going to bed.

getting in the bed. And I'm like, well, our nighttime routine, we have zero consistency there. Now she's in the bed. She goes to bed at the same time. There's zero resistance there. And I think that the reason is because I said, okay, I'm trying to be creative every day to make up for the lack of discipline and the lack of structure that I've had. So sometimes it does require us saying, you know, yesterday I asked her to go to take a bath at six and

And we had connected and it was easy. Now I've been scrolling on Instagram today. It's 7 p.m. We haven't connected at all. And I'm trying to force her to get in the bathtub. Like, of course, it's going to be difficult. So I think it's just like with gentle parenting. There's two elements to it. It really is us meeting our kids where they are, but then also making sure that we are consistently showing up with leadership.

You can't make up for that with connection. You cannot. I love that you call parenting leadership, though. I think that anyone who is in business or an entrepreneur understands just how important leadership is as a term when it comes to team building and creating a safe space for employees to innovate and create and feel like they can make mistakes. And it sounds like something that works very well when it's about meeting our P&L goals, right?

But when it comes to our households, I think to really see it as an opportunity to express leadership in a new way is going to be really empowering for many people. So I'm going to I'm definitely going to start thinking of it that way. I have a question for you. What would your mom say about the way that you conscious parent? Oh, man, I think she would be so proud of me. I really do. I think that she would be.

proud, not for the compassion piece. Cause I told you, we, we've been there. I was like, Lord, I want my kids to know I love them. But for the way that I've been able to hold discipline and do them both in the same way. I think that my mom very much wishes that she had the freedom to, because free freedom and discipline are actually just opposite sides of the same coin. And I think that she wishes that she had the freedom to,

to be able to like lean into her feminine a little bit more so that she could really be present and more nurturing. And so I think that she would look at me and say, you're, you know, you're able to do both. And that's, that's a really beautiful thing. That's amazing. I often think of, I don't think there's anything that has been more restorative for me as raising my daughters and also remembering

reminding, remembering maybe what it was like to be their age with the parents that I had and like understanding more about myself and understanding more about my parents. And so I wonder as you introduce a new way of parenting, what is it that you see through the eyes of your children at their age with the information that you have about brain development that has helped you to kind of restore some of your own childhood issues or traumas?

What is it that I see or what do I think that how my kids are going to be impacted? No, I'm just wondering, like, as you're raising your children, how has it impacted the way that you see your own life and your own childhood experiences? Yeah.

Oh, man, it's given me so much grace. Number one, for my parents, you kind of hinted on this earlier, which is that, you know, we do the best we can with the tools that we have. And so I have zero resentment for my childhood because I think that they did an incredible job. They broke plenty of generational curses on their own, and I'm proud of them for that. So giving them grace, giving myself grace. When you learn about brain development, you really are like, oh, wow, like I'm not fine.

You know, y'all say I turned out fine. No, no, no, no, no. Maybe we didn't. Maybe we didn't. Exactly. So this parenting journey has given me an opportunity to gentle parent myself and to increase my compassion for myself and to also increase the boundaries in my own life and the discipline in my own life. I'm a thousand percent am a better person because I'm

of my motherhood journey. And when we allow our children to, they really can help us heal and restore and transform. But we have to be willing to not be the all knowing sovereign beings in the house. And we have to be open to the fact that, you know, honestly, they are as close to God as you can get compared to us. You know what I'm saying? They are, they are such divine little creatures and they can allow us to,

learn and grow if we are open to checking ourselves when they talk back if we're open to asking well why is this bothering me so much how am i consciously choosing to respond um and is what i'm teaching them actually honoring my own personal values or is it honoring my ego oh right now that part yeah

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One of the takeaways that I'm going to take from our conversation is the idea of parenting as ministry, because I do think that when you talk about them being the closest little creatures to God, that there's this element of like, so how can I serve who they are in the earth, what they have the potential to become? And I think in many ways, even your platform itself is a form of ministry, right? Like not everything's a Bible and a sermon. I think that you're serving humanity, right?

with knowledge and compassion and empathy that we literally would not otherwise have. There is no way I would have heard about conscious parenting, gentle parenting, if it weren't for social media. One thing I will say is that when I started going to therapy though, I very quickly began having this idea of like a feelings box. And I used to talk about it on this podcast, like a long time ago, like you need to go into your feelings box and figure out what your fee

I think part of just this generation is like really tapping into what it means to be a whole person. And so I wondered, are there any testimonies that stick out in your mind that is connected to the work that you have shared so freely and generously on social media that like keeps you in the game? Because I don't know if you're like me, every now and then there's like a conversation

comment. There's a story that resonates with me. And I'm like, I guess I'll make another video. I guess I'll preach one more message. Like I was almost going to throw this whole thing away. But there's that one story that keeps me in the game. I want to hear what your, what testimonies have stuck with you. Oh man. Oh yeah. That just, I have a, um,

A practice where I like screenshot those kind of messages to come back to them when I'm feeling, you know, a little out of place in this journey. And so I have quite a few. But one of the ones I think that was super inspiring as we talk about how are they going to turn out and is it too late is I had did a class on repair and like genuine, authentic repair.

and apologizing to our kids. And this older woman, she had three kids, and she was saying that she hadn't spoken to any of them in about a year.

And that she was able to have a conversation with them. And she said, like, for the first time, she felt like they were actually connecting and that she actually saw them. And she was like, you know, I don't know if it's going to change our relationship. And I don't know if it changes the way that you they see me. But I just want to say thank you for changing the way that I see them. And I think that was so powerful to me because I like the little girl inside of me was like, dang, like, I see my parents differently now. And I just.

I wish that when I was a kid, they had the opportunity to really, really see me so that I wouldn't be on this journey of trying to figure out how to see myself. So I think the most powerful ones are not so much when the relationship changes, but when the parents view of themselves or view of their kids changes. That's really, really powerful to me because I think that that is the foundation for repair, seeing the other person differently. Who do you see yourself as now?

You have a good question, girl. Yes. Oh, that's beautiful. I see myself as someone who is deserving of self-love, is deserving of acceptance. I see myself as someone who's in the right space, in the right place, right?

Always, every single time I used to very much. I got the bad kid narrative, but God was always like, I'm still gonna put you in a room. I know what they're saying, but I still gonna put you in the room. And I always felt like I'm not supposed to be in this room because I'm the bad kid or I faked my way here. And I used to make excuses for the ways that I got in certain circles or certain blessings. And I think that now,

I'm starting to be at a point where I'm like, no, this is you. You're where you're supposed to be and you're walking in the purpose that you're supposed to be walking in. And that took a while, but I feel very much on purpose. And I feel like.

It's okay to be that girl. It's okay to be that girl. It's okay to have that girl energy. I'm like, I'm not all the way there, but the more that I'm saying it, it's very difficult to pull away from those labels. And that's why I try my hardest not to label my kids because you do start to wear that label. So I can't necessarily say that I'm walking in that completely, but I am walking in the notion that I know I deserve those things. Okay.

Okay. I can relate to that. It's ironic that the kid who was like the bad kid is now helping to translate children to their parents. Yeah. That's yeah. That feels very serendipitous and on purpose. That's my hand. Oh, come on. Yeah. Okay. So before we go, I have to ask you, who is the woman who has inspired your parenting skills and technique the most?

Definitely Dr. Shefali. She's just, she actually coined the phrase conscious parenting. So I have to give that to her and my mama, of course. And what do you hope that Dr. Shefali knows about her work and the impact that it has made on your life? I hope that Dr. Shefali knows that by teaching me

that my daughters are their own entities and that they didn't come here to complete my story.

she has given them the opportunity to write their own stories. And I get to be a witness rather than completely responsible. And I'm just grateful for that one because it eases a lot of stress for sure. But then the other piece of that is that I get to walk alongside this journey and see

see them in their divinity and the truth of who they are. And I think that that is something that I'm really, really grateful for. Wow. Well, I know that you're going to help a lot of us to continue to see our children as their own entity. I think that what's going to stand with me, especially as I go home to Ella tonight and she starts doing all her fussing and things. I think part of

what we deem as restoration has a lot to, especially as parents has a lot to do with how our kids turn out. And I think removing the pressure of restoration coming through my children's paths and achievements, uh,

allows me more opportunity to be present with where they are and not consumed with where they're going to land. And hopefully I'll be able to serve them, even my adult children, better with that perspective. But I'm glad to know that this is not your default setting because sometimes me and some of the village that are helping me raise these girls, we each are like, what would Destiny say? And we'd be like, well, Destiny ain't here. Destiny's child has grown up. Destiny ain't here.

Yeah, absolutely. It's not the default and you got to be able to give yourself grace in that moment. But I'm telling you, those repair conversations...

That's where the magic is that when your kids can see you be vulnerable, I never heard my parents say sorry. Oh, me neither. My mother recently did. Oh my gosh. We, I did this podcast with my mom and we weren't even supposed to be talking about my childhood trauma, but we stumbled right into it. Like she ripped this bandaid off with cameras and stuff rolling. And then she apologized to me and tears literally just burst out of my eyes. I know where I couldn't, I couldn't believe in this was just in December. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Oh yeah. The Christmas one. Yeah. And I'll say this too, before we go, cause I have to shout my dad out. The thing about increasing, uh,

our consciousness when it comes to parenting is that we do start to conscious parent ourselves, but then we do sometimes extend that grace to our parents and there's healing that can happen there as well. And I told you I was the bad kid. So I was the kid that like my parents would share my business. And I was just like the butt of the joke all the time, even as an adult, like, why are we still having these conversations? So it was maybe like two months ago. And

And my dad's been on this journey with me and he was about to share something and he looked at me and he was like, well, is it okay if I share this? And I had that same moment of like,

We have boundaries. You respect me. So I think that it's just really transformative for us to go through any of our relationships consciously, meaning that we are showing up fully in the present, acknowledging the other person and who they are, acknowledging us. I always say you have to ask yourself, what are they needing, feeling and believing? Yeah.

What am I needing, feeling and believing? And then making conscious decisions from there, because that's what emotional intelligence is. And if we can extend that to all of our relationships with the co-parent, with our parents. And so it really is this parenting thing. It can transform a lot of areas of our lives if we are allowing it to. Needing, feeling and believing. That's the sermon. And you just preached it. Thank you, Destiny. Thank you for your time today.

Thank you so much. I feel better. I feel better. Thank you for making us all better. Amen. Thank you. Okay. Well, happy Tuesday to you. Enjoy your down day and continue- Girl, it's 3:51 here. Down is done. Oh, yeah. It's over. Well, enjoy the rest of your week and continue the work that you're doing. It really is making a difference. It's changing our lives.

Thank you. So are you, Sarah. I appreciate it so much. No problem. Take care. Bye. You too. Bye. Destiny, like at this point, we are besties. That was everything. I want you to know how much I value your teachings. Our listeners will walk away with some healthy ways to navigate the parent-child relationship at any age. And we will learn that we can be a conscious parent and be fly, hilarious, heartwarming, uplifting, and empathetic.

Thank you for your example. Thank you for the many ways that you are teaching us to do what we've never seen been done before. Many blessings, much love to you. We hope that your work continues to echo throughout the earth. It is certainly left us open to new strategies.

We want to hear from you. Email us at podcast at woman evolve.com. How are you feeling about these episodes lately? They are feeling real jazzy. I am enjoying them and I cannot wait for you to hear what we've got for you next week. Until then, stay open, continue to evolve. New strategies await you. You just have to implement them. So go get it started.

I'm not going to stop.

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Hello. From Wonder Media Network, I'm Jenny Kaplan, host of Womanica, a daily podcast that introduces you to the fascinating lives of women history has forgotten.

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