14. How to Earn Your Mentee's Attention, Why You Should Read Everything From Karyn Purvis, and the Power of a Mentor's Questions
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_______________WELCOME

You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.

_______________SHOW NOTES

• The mysterious workings of the adolescent brain | TED Talk by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore: )
• ZJ)
• Goldfish)
• Karyn Purvis)
• Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI))
• Dr. Daniel Siegel)

_______________HOW TO EARN YOUR MENTEE'S ATTENTION

1. Earn their attention by giving them yours.

• Youth mentoring is counter-cultural. You choose to earn your mentees attention, rather than them earning yours.
• When you think of Jesus becoming a man, do you see it as God seeking to get our attention, or do you see it as Him giving us His?
• The God of the Bible gives us His attention. He seeks us out. He listens.
• He is our example.

2. Earn their attention by finding out what brings them joy.

• What do they like and how can you connect with them in it? When we feel connected to another person, we're more open to their influence, so you're making it easy for them to listen and interact with you on their level.
• Get curious. What is going on in the brain of this child I’m mentoring? What questions do they have? What makes them wonder? 
• Teachers know this already: when kids are curious, they're much more likely to stay engaged.)

3. Earn their attention by commanding it, not demanding it.

• Jesus never demanded attention. His life commanded it. There’s a difference between someone walking in the room and saying, “Hey! Learn from me! I’m awesome!” and another person in the room that lives in such a way that draws the attention of others and creates this curiosity.
• Just because you say, “Hey, listen to me.” Doesn’t mean they are going to listen.
• There is nothing more comforting to a child than a mentor who listens and understands.

_______________MORE PRACTICALS

Ask Good Questions

• You may be the first non-family member that has taken the time to push through all the distractions, ask them good questions, and fight for their attention. And by the way, good questions aren’t easy to answer. So if you’re asking good questions, their inability to respond quickly isn’t because their wheels aren’t turning, it might be because they’ve never even turned.  Good questions cultivate our minds. There’s a study I read the other day that says When your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else.) So when we ask our mentees good questions we are helping their brains to grow in focus. If a child doesn’t respond to you when you talk it’s because their attention is elsewhere and they haven’t learned that questions show you care.
• Behavioral scientists have also found that just asking people about their future decisions significantly influences those decisions.) When we ask good questions to kids from hard places, we’re planting seeds. 
• Believe the best

Tips to help kids listen

• Connect before you speak. Eye contact.
• One step at a time. Use less words and less complex words.
• Don’t say don't. Whatever you put after ‘Don’t’ puts a picture in their head of what you just told them not to do.
• Be more assertive and less optional.
• Giving direction for what you want them to do is not a bad thing. It’s actually safe.
• Make every effort to stop what you are doing to listen to them.