Black Trash Bags | Cash’s Story Part 1
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True Story Media. This episode contains mature themes and can be difficult for some listeners. Please see the show notes for details and resources. Some names and details have been changed.

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So I got a message from a woman named Cash. She writes, "I have a million and one stories from foster care. One in particular was from the picture perfect family, but it was the worst years of my life. Then of course, the biological mom always has a part. I only knew pieces of her and she's still a black hole I'm trying to avoid in some aspects. I've realized that my life's mission wasn't social justice as I thought. It's been to not be like her.

there was some anticipation that something was happening. Up until that point, you know, we had come home and, you know, our whole house was in disarray. Everything was burglarized. We couldn't go inside. We were scared. We've been at home and, you know, bangs on the door and we would have to go hide in the closet. We've had a lot of, like, trauma in this apartment. Cash doesn't remember much about her biological mother, but she remembered that night.

And I remember we were, all of the children were away and we pulled up and we seen, it was a sea of cop cars and maybe 10 or so. It was winter and six-year-old Cash looked out the window of the car at their apartment building, the place where she and her four siblings had played, fought, and grown together. The person I was with had parked on the side and knew what was happening.

And we just watched. We saw all these, like, SWATs and policemen going in and out of the apartment. I just remember someone saying, oh, your mom's in the back of that police car. And I just saw the outline of somebody. I'm Brittany Yard. You probably think this story is about you. But this story belongs to Cash. I understand the difficulty of having a mother who struggles. My own mom battled addiction and mental health issues.

I know that growing up without being able to count on the one person that you're supposed to be able to can leave deep echoes in your life. My mom wasn't present in my life after I was 13, but even before that, she wasn't someone that I could rely on. While Cash's mom wasn't an addict, she doesn't know her mom's full history. Cash was only six when her and her siblings were removed from that life, leaving her with fragmented pieces of her mother's history.

there was neglect. And that neglect is something that I relate to. Her mom was involved in selling drugs and as Cash put it, "chased a fast lifestyle at any cost." Ultimately the cost was losing custody of her children. We all kind of have this little nosiness, but to know that that was your home is like a different level of just like gut punch. The very next day there was like some commotion. They were like, "The cops are looking for the kids. The cops are looking for the kids."

And they're like, you know, what are we going to do with Shay Shay? And that's what kind of what they would call me. And the issue that I had learned later was that I was the only one that didn't have a father. Everyone else could go to their fathers and like an attempt to kind of keep the kids because they knew that mom was arrested. So how do we do it? What do we do with the kids? And it was really scary. I think there was a phone call. Somebody convinced somebody to bring me in.

That was the first time that I had a very beginning of my relationship with like black trash bags, because the police officer that had escorted us into the home was just like, what clothes are yours? Let's put them in here. And that was kind of the very start of like something that was happening that I've never experienced before.

And so we went through the home, we were grabbing like clothes and the house was also in disarray. It was just like such an eerie feeling to be in there. And that would be the same bag that I would carry into my first placement. ♪

And so as you're unpacking, I'm just removing things out of a black plastic garbage bag. But this is like a trash bag, right? This is where people put trash in. And so I don't know if they recognize a psyche at that time, like what that meant, because it just felt like it was temporary. But also like I went from having a whole room of items and things to like just like clothes and a couple bears. And that was kind of what I would have.

It was just like such an eerie feeling to be in there. I was six at the time. Shortly after, maybe a couple weeks later, I would turn seven and I spent my seventh birthday in a foster home. Cash couldn't understand the full story of what was happening.

Now, she knows that her mother had been arrested for selling drugs, but at six, there wasn't a way for her to understand what had happened. Entering the foster care system could have meant that she was going to a safer environment, but it was a path that her and her siblings had no control over. I was born and raised in the state of Kansas.

in some sense I was a middle child and so I definitely was kind of like this like moderator in between kind of didn't take sides and on the other end I was very quiet is what I was told and I also because I think I have so so much vivid memories I think I just took in a lot and didn't say a lot

Whereas my sister, who was a year older, she was kind of opposite of me. She was like a leader in charge, kind of operated in this, like, I'm the older sibling here. And I just kind of follow along and support it. I also know that I was very smart. We didn't have a stable educational life growing up, obviously. ♪

Sorry, even one time I remember a principal bringing us home. It was like four or five o'clock because no one had picked us up. There was truancy issues, etc. So despite not being in school consistently,

It was something that I enjoyed at the time. And I felt like I knew things, I understood things. That was the thing that I knew was going to be constant was like the school. And I went through seven different placements in seven years. And in there, I think there was about four or five different schools from elementary to middle. And we also switched towns. And so

Remember, like, not only are, you know, I'm trying to build friendships, but I'm losing that as well. And but it was just school. It was like it was there. Luckily, foster care system didn't change that. Cash and her siblings were shuffled in and out of homes, sometimes together, sometimes separated. They changed school multiple times. They moved between towns and eventually across states. Cash thrived in school.

And even if she had to change schools, there was an anchor for her in learning. It was always a place where she had the answer. Parallel to that as well, I would say the church. And I say church as opposed to saying like a specific religion, because it was the church for me. It was like the people in the church. It was like, hey, church.

life is crazy, this messaging, but like there's hope. And so I think that that was also, that was something that I found to be consistent. So it was definitely the education and the church throughout my life bringing or upbringing that I think I leaned more into. Up until I was seven, I was actually in and out of the care of like relatives,

Cash didn't learn until she was an adult that the family that had taken care of her on and off during the first six years had tried to keep her. So there was periods of times when my mother no longer had rigorous rights over us at certain points of my upbringing. And then I say us because there were five siblings. It wasn't until her mom lost custody that she officially entered the foster care system.

I remember when I was seven, that was it. We went to court, said goodbye to my mom, and then I went into the foster care system. I think it was a numbness. I felt like I was going through motions. I was just being told what to do. I didn't have agency. I didn't know any of these people. I didn't know the social worker. I wasn't with a sibling. I had no comfort. It's kind of like, she's your responsibility now.

My youngest sibling at the time was, I believe, two. And then my older one, my older sibling was eight. So we were all relatively young. And in the state of Kansas, you know, it's predominantly white population. And so I went into my first foster home, which was a very temporary placement. It was a white family. And that to me was like,

okay, what does this mean? What is, what's happening here? And I think that was my first kind of eye opening that I wasn't with family.

the kind of the issues that kind of derive from this foster care system. It's like, I think the core of it is like a brokenness and brokenness is the same thing that you see, whether this is divorces or, you know, the prison industrial system, there's like a underlying brokenness that kind of creates additional problems. And that definitely was my story as well. One of the things that resonated with me was Cash talking about how she didn't have a consistent person.

The one that is going to help you and explain what's going on. About 10 years ago, I started volunteering as a CASA. And that's C-A-S-A, which is Court Appointed Special Advocate. This program started in King County. It's now national. In your area, it may be called something different.

It is made up of volunteers that take on cases and unlike a social worker or an attorney, that CASA is only there to advocate for the child. The part that I love most about being a CASA is that it's the only person that will talk to the kid, get information about the case, and then in court, they testify to the child's wants.

It doesn't mean that the child always gets what they want, but it gives them a voice in a system that has muted them for years. Unfortunately, in Cash's case, she didn't have access to someone that was advocating for her.

We all were separated at the time. So I had my youngest brother because he was two. It was relatively easy to find him a home. And then with my, I had a younger sibling or sister. She was, went to the care of her father's family.

There's me, I'm the third. And then I went into a temporary placement and so did the sister that was eight years old at the time. And then the oldest sibling who would have been nine, she was actually adopted far before I knew about when she was actually just a baby. We went from having family to all of a sudden I was in this like dark world by myself. And so that's kind of where it all started.

In the photos that Cash shared, she looks like such a sweet kid, joyful, despite all of the challenges she was going through. Cash wasn't just adjusting to being separated from her mom, but also her siblings. Over the next 10 years, there were times where they were placed together, but usually they were separated.

There was periods of time when I would live with one or two of my other siblings for maybe a year at a time. But what I do remember is what they called visitations. And to this day, I actually still have photos. We would meet somewhere like halfway between all of us, like a McDonald's or just an open park. And we would just visit our siblings during that time. It was kind of a somber, sad feeling. We would, I would see like

I don't know how often. I want to say it was like maybe yearly. I would see my little brother. He would get older. And I think as he got older, he didn't really understand why he was there. He had gotten adopted relatively quickly as well. I think that's something that happens in younger children as opposed to older. And so I remember...

In the photos, I can remember like in the background, like when I look at a photo, just thinking like I was very sad that day and I was holding him close because I knew I would have to say goodbye. But yeah, that was kind of the extent of what it meant to keep us together. And there was a time when three of us were in one household and that was a unique time. But that also was very short lived.

And there were times when she was in homes where the people there didn't have the tools or ability to care for her the way she needed.

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It wasn't until she was placed with an older woman named Wanda that she finally felt seen. ♪

She was one of my first foster parents. She was my first permanent home. We were given our plastic garbage bags and she took it. She felt warm and loving. I think I saw my family in her because she was a Black woman. And I think that that was, in hindsight, I know that it was important to me at that time because I just needed to have some comfort.

And she was older, like grandma age, you know, and I just felt like, oh, okay, like this could be kind of what I'm used to, like the people that were taking care of me. And it also helped that I was with a sibling. You know, I think we got some months under our feet with this foster care thing, like this is our life. And so there's a little level of comfort. Wanda welcomed Cash and one of her siblings into her home. She created a comfortable, safe place where they were able to thrive.

But yeah, I remember her greenhouse. And this is the state of Kansas in a very, very, very small town. And so there's brick roads. And it's so funny because I think if your mind went to the Wizard of Oz movie,

you know, yellow brick road or any of that stuff, then you're right. Cause there was a brick road in that town, you know, one middle school, one high school, very small town. Um, and I remember her street. Um, I remember it very, it being very small couple houses and her home was pretty large. Um, I think I was maybe surprised because we had lived in apartments up until that time.

She had this like screened in front porch, which is like, you know, in Kansas, there's all types of bugs. It's a huge heavy door. And then there's wooden floors. And it was also like very brown inside. I just remember that. And she showed us our room. We got to share a room. We had our own beds and it was next to her room. And I felt comfortable there.

She was also a social worker. So I think that there was a level of like knowledge that she had had and the way that she was carrying herself as she was introducing us into her home. My sibling and I would end up staying with Wanda, um,

for about three years. Looking back, just like, I think that that was needed. I realized I was even better at school. I went to like a math contest and we would, I had friends and we would walk to school together. You know, this is how you know when your friends are because you would just hop on your bike and go find out where the other bikes were. And then you would know there would be at that person's house. She's not the generation of my biological mom. She's like the generation prior. It was like, I got this old school upbringing and learning.

You can hear how Cash's mood shifts when she talks about Wanda. I could see her light up. Cash got to play and learn and do all the things that kids should be doing. This was such a pivotal time for her. After about a year and a half with Wanda, their time would come to an end. For now. Another home had come up that could bring more of the siblings together.

When we had left Wanda, the hope was that we had at least three of the siblings together. So the state was trying. And we went to another home in a different town. And this was different than Wanda because, again, we went back to a family that was the opposite race. It was a two-parent household this time. And then they already had children that they were either fostering or had adopted. And so it was just kind of like this very different story.

When we think about Wanda and the cultural sense of that, my hair is taken care of. There was a lot of things that were done that were going to be undone in the next experience. This family, two-parent household, they had adopted two children. One was about a year or two older, maybe two or three years older than me. And then one was a child who was the same age as my younger brother. So in total, there was...

One, two, three, four children between the ages of 10 and 12. And then two that were both like five. The house looks small in the front. However, they had added on additional space in the back. But it looked, it was so funny because like it did not, they did not mesh well. It was like the new part of the house and the old part of the house. And so they originally only had a two bedroom, one bathroom. And they were able to create an additional three beds for

um, another bathroom and then like a side porch. It was like really big. Um, and I remember my sibling, um, and I, my older sister and I, we had the furthest room in the back. Then the diagonal to us was one of the other foster children. Uh, and then this large room closer in the middle of the, of the house was the adopted child who was older. Um,

There was like this little foyer area and then there was a kitchen. And then my brother shared a room with the youngest child. They were both four five at the time. And it was like a Jack and Jill. So there was a bathroom that connected to the master. So I just remember the home. I remember just being excited originally because like my brother was there like, hello, my little baby brother. Yeah. You know, I just heard pretty quickly. Yeah.

She was she was a stay at home mom. The father worked. He was an electrician. I always thought that that was like still cool. Again, like I had my brother. It was going to be great, you know, but it was very clear that there was like different treatments. And I felt like even just the money, like you could see where it was going and where it wasn't going.

It's hard when you have adopted children and foster children, because unfortunately, we were treated differently. And I think that sometimes people can have biological children and then they can adopt or foster. And maybe there are some differences there as well. But what I felt and what I know is that we were treated differently, the foster children from the adopted children.

And what that looks like was that, you know, obviously my adopted her adopted child is going to have her own room and her adopted child was going to get a lot of different things. And whereas like my room, I think it could have definitely been a closet, but like we barely fit a bunk bed in there. And then we ended up the house wanted a hamster and the hamster got put in our room because it stunk. And I remember her saying that she's like, well, it thinks I don't want it out here. So put it in your guys's room.

Cash was realizing the realities of unequal treatment in what was meant to be her home. It's really hard for me to hear how matter-of-factly she can tell these stories. It speaks to how normalized this all was for her. In places where she was supposed to have a home, she didn't. One of the things that I will never forget was just like going for school shopping and

And me being the person I am, the kind hearted, you know, cash that I've been since I was younger. I was always mindful of the people I wanted to share. I wanted to, you know, these that was a part of who I was. And so I knew we got these vouchers. I don't think that they have vouchers now, but at the time they had vouchers you can use at a store to be able to purchase items for foster youth. And I think at the time it was probably like we were able to get like five or so clothes. I think I got one outfit and.

my sibling got two outfits. The other foster child got three and then her child got like 10 outfits. And it was like, Aeropostale. This is like the Aeropostale, Abercrombie and French, whatever they're called, phase. So like she got all this stuff. And I remember I had that one outfit I wore to my picture day, but that was the only outfit I had that was new and everything else was like old clothes. And I remember like thinking that that wasn't fair. Like,

I feel like we all should have been able to get, you know, use the voucher. Like one, like the voucher is for the foster kids, not for the adopted kids. You know, I don't know that I felt necessarily close to her. I remember she made us call her mom. Calling somebody mom is significant, but because everybody else in the house was calling her mom, she's like, well, you all call me mom. And I didn't even call Wanda mom, but Wanda was more of a mom than anybody, right? I hadn't called anybody mom since my, my mom.

So that was also an interesting thing that I felt like was kind of manipulative. I think it was also like kind of a glorifying moment for that family. You know, they would go to church and like, you know, here's this white family taking care of these like black children. And there's three of them, you know, plus they adopted these two. One also was non-white and then they had another foster, like this big old, like benevolent family. And so I think that they use that to kind of like glorify themselves.

Children deserve to have a true home, not just a space to sleep, but one that provides love and care. And the support Cash needed was not just a new outfit, but a place that could help her navigate her traumatic start to life. Cash never felt she was truly cared for in the home. Instead, she was left to be abused by someone else in the house. But the real abuse would be actually at the hands of the older adopted child.

I was a girl, and this older adopted child was also a girl. I remember she had kind of ranked who she liked. She really liked the other foster child, and so they would always spend the night in her room. And then one day I get the invite, and I'm like,

Towards the end of when we were getting ready to leave the household, which was like ended in chaos. I remember just being grateful that that was over because like it never felt right to me. And never I never felt OK. I never told anybody. I didn't tell my sister. And I just felt like I felt disgusted. I felt like, is this like is this normal? But yeah, it was a very dark time for me in the household. Next time we continue with Kasia's story.

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