Iceberg
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True Story Media. Some names and details have been changed. This episode contains mature themes and can be difficult for some listeners. Please see the show notes for details and resources. This is an iceberg. Here's the water. When things happen, what you can handle will be dealt with up here, but what you can't will be put down here under the water until you're better equipped to deal with it. You probably think this story is about you.

I'm Brittany Yard. This story belongs to Lou. This episode is brought to you by Companion. Iris and Josh seem like the perfect match, but when a weekend getaway turns into a nightmare...

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What started as a hunt for a photo turned into a friendship between Lou and Eve. And my relationship with Danielle has also grown into something that is...

so much more powerful than just our shared experience with Kayden. Being fully seen and understood by a stranger, somebody that only came into my life because of this shared experience. And her and I haven't known each other that long, but the conversations that we have get so intense and so raw in what we're willing to share because there's no judgment.

We've both lived through this. Lou could relate to the impact that relationship would have had on Eve. And they found a connection and a bond in what they had both experienced with him.

I didn't know if I was going to reply and then I did. And I was actually going through quite a difficult time at the time myself. And a lot of my friends wouldn't have known that I was going through the difficult time. But because I didn't know Lou, I was able to go through all this stuff. And I'm really hurt. I'm really upset, you know.

And she really kind of cheered me on. And we found out then that we had loads in common, apart from just Dirty John, as we're now calling him. I kind of felt like I'd made a new friend. Lou had lost her dad and I had lost my dad. And we can talk about that. There were other things that we kind of bonded over.

Eve understands how the gaslighting affected her and her relationship with John. And she was able to validate Lou's feelings around that relationship.

But she's really kind and it's been really interesting. It's like when you go to a psychic and they're like, oh, I believe your mother started her name with a blah. And you're like, there's been so many of those moments where she's like, oh, fuck you too. And I'm like, where she said to me, oh, he was he was a mechanic when he was with you. Sure, he's been a hairdresser and an accountant since then.

Since they connected, Lou has come to understand a lot more about the impact that it had on her. And in talking with Eve, understands that it wasn't her fault. She's like, he preys on the vulnerable. She said, he will seek out a chink in your armor. And he sees that chink and he's like, perfect. The girls are beautiful that he gets. And she's like, I don't know how he does it, but if he could put those brains to good use.

People like Kanan and Jon have something in them that creates malice, and they are willing to harm others to fulfill some need that they have, but it only perpetuates their suffering and continues that cycle. Tasha and I had talked about how if Kanan would just put his intelligence aside

and charm to good use, he would be an incredible partner for someone. And to me, the amount of effort that Kanan or John or people like that put into being malicious is counterintuitive to living a full life. It's just really helped to kind of go, it wasn't me. Like,

You know, I say, "Oh, I was a dumbass," and whatever. I'm sure one day I'll call my daughter a dumbass for falling for some guy, but it really isn't you or her or me. It's the situation and, I suppose, the disposition with which you go into that scenario. Abuse can come in so many different forms, and sometimes they overlap. My experience with Kanan and Lou and Eve's experience with John is not unique.

That is the sensational part. This happens all the time, all around the world. There is a common thread in how the people that are affected by this have to reconstruct their lives. The more I listened to your story, it just resonated with me so much. It's just a different scenario, different form, different country, different, you know, person.

And there were so many things that had happened to you, things that you had felt. Like I said, the red flags that like he was waving and you were just walking past and being like, oh, they're so pretty. And I sort of felt a connection to you because I was 19 and that's what I blame it on.

but you are a well-adjusted, mature person who knows what they will and they won't accept, knows their worth. And I was like, okay, so it could actually happen to anybody.

Abuse can happen to anyone at any stage in your life, at any age. It does not care how old you are or what your income is or where you live. It is something that we are all susceptible to. And maybe the common denominator isn't the women, it's actually the men.

And I think like I had said to you the first time we talked, I was like, I know this sounds stupid. And you were like, nothing sounds stupid. Just drop that like on the floor as in just go ahead and speak however you want. I sent you guys that piece and I was like, I'm sending this to strangers. I've never written this before. But instantly I was like, here you go. Lou used writing to process through her relationship with John. And she shared a piece with us.

All of this is an ongoing process in figuring out how relationships that have abuse affect our lives. And I love this story so much because of Lou, because of Eve, and because of what they have done. I think listening to you helped massively for me because I was like, fuck, she's much smarter than I am and she's much more mature and she's got her shit together and she still fell for this. So like...

I thought there must be more of her. So it's like, to me, you were like further on the scale of like, this shouldn't have happened to you, but something allowed it to. And obviously the story unfolds and you can see how, but you were stronger than I was at that time. And it still got you. Strong and smart are relative to...

to everything in life because even with strength or having gotten to where I am in life, I've survived 100% of the things that have happened to me. I'm here now.

And more than ever determined to sit in being uncomfortable so that I'm not allowing people into my space that are going to repeat patterns and relationships that I've had. And the only way to do that is to remain vulnerable and open, but utilizes the things that I've learned so that I can continue

remain hopeful that one day I'm going to find a partner that I feel safe with and that provides comfort and care in a way that I haven't experienced before. Lou has found that with her partner. I'm mad about him.

It's an Irish phrase and I said to my daughter yesterday, I am mad about your daddy. And she said, why are you mad at daddy? I was like, no, not mad at daddy. But yeah, like, Jesus, I'm not saying we don't fight, like we kill each other, but in a healthy way. Arguing and disagreeing with your partner is totally normal. Gaslighting and manipulation are not.

When I was with John, I was doing a course in the evenings. And the night before one of my exams, we had a glass of wine and I was like, yeah, I just have one and then I'm going to bed. And then I'm, you know, and he, we got so drunk, but like he made me email my lecturer and

And I bombed the exam because he convinced me that it didn't matter. It was fine. It was a stupid qualification anyway. It was pointless. And but now it's like he was right. I have not used it once. But when Lou reflects on her relationship with John, she is able now to use humor. And a lot of that has helped her process this. It is so evident in her current relationship that

much power that humor has given her. It's like night and day. You know, the other guy wanted to tear me down and keep me at a level. Whereas this guy is just like, keep getting better. Kick ass. You know, he's amazing. When I then, I went to college, though I didn't go like my friends did, you know, like straight out of school into college. I went in my 20s when I was working full time and I paid for myself to go at night time. And

the odd time I we lived together at the time and I rang him I'd ring him I go oh it's raining I don't want to go in tonight he'd go about you needn't come home because I'm locking the doors I'm not hanging out with you go in and then some nights I'd be like oh I really can't be bothered he'd go tell you what go in I'll collect you from the door I'll have a cup of tea in the car ready and it's only two hours you'll be fine three hours whatever and

or he'd have my pajamas on the radiator. And then my dad died in the third year of college. And I really, I was just like, I only started this to piss him off. Like, he's not even here. I don't want to. And he just relentlessly pushed me and pushed me and pushed me.

And even then when I, I'm mentioning, I'm talking about my ex like a lot. You know, I went to do the podcast today and he came up the stairs in my daughter's chair on my laptop and a bottle of water. And he was like, there you go. And I was like, he's gone to take her out. And he's just. He sounds like your grandpa. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. He's, that's not creepy. No, but it's, it's you.

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Her partner supported her diving in to this so that she could process how that relationship has affected her life. And he wasn't jealous. He supported Lou every step of the way so that she was able to tell her story. And it will only make their relationship stronger. And Lou knows she has a safe place in her partner now.

My granddad was cremated and I had to pick them up because nobody was in the country. I had to drive home with the ashes on my passenger seat and a seatbelt over them because you don't want to put them in the boot, that's disrespectful, but also you don't want them to break. You don't want to blow up on the motorway. So anyway, I brought them home. We kept them at my mom and dad's house.

I moved out. I got a text from my dad one day. Take these fucking ashes out of my house or I'll throw them into the sea. If you want them, come and get them. I was like, oh, fuck you. Drove over to the house. I said, my partner, would you mind if I brought Granda home? And he was like, huh?

and he went no I think that you know I think that's great and I was like really yeah yeah yeah so he came home and I had brought the ashes home they're on a coffee table and he walked in and I was like anyway hiya and I was like are you sure you're okay with this because I know people can be spooky um and to this day he's he's still with us like he's still in the urn and like he'll like polish around him and he's like oh don't worry I won't get your way and I'm like

Thank you. And he's like, it's his fault you're like this. So we can kind of laugh about it. I'm really excited to watch their child grow up with parents that support each other. Every time I see pictures of Lou and her family, it instantly makes me smile. Lou has broken that cycle of generational trauma and

It's so beautiful to watch them all grow together as a family. He was there when my dad died and he was actually with my dad before I got to him. Like he died quite suddenly. And like the other day I saw this Jeep that goes, went past in traffic and it looked exactly like my dad's. And I went, and he was like, oh, I'm going to cry about your dead dad now. We're just at that stage now where he doesn't mean like, you know, so shut the fuck up. He's like, no, you're not. So it's good.

I'm safe. Sometimes the chapters end with something as simple as, I am safe. I know from sharing my story that it's not always the ending that people want. It is the ending that I am so happy that Lou and Eve have. It can take numerous attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

We've all heard the statistics around reporting domestic violence cases and leaving those relationships. The statistics around people that experience intimate partner violence are increasing. It is something that is still very underreported.

John is still out there, and even though Lou is safe now, she wanted that photograph so she could give herself that power of knowing that he can't hurt her anymore. She knew she might never find another photo, and true safety isn't about eliminating every possible threat, but about building resilience and recognizing your own strength.

That photograph wasn't the only thing that Lou did to recognize her own power and strength. Sharing her story gave her the ability to understand the effect that this relationship had on her life and take control of her future. Lou thought all she would have is that blurry photo. Sometimes, just when we think we've gotten enough answers to move on,

something happens that changes our perspective again. But I got a message and this time the photos are not blurry. Hello? Hey, how are you doing? Knackert, yeah. I don't know if he's used that word but Knackert. I was absolutely like floored. How did the getting more pictures go for you? So I looked up a friend of his who has a very unusual last name.

found a website sent a text and I was like is this such and such and they were like who is this I was like I think I might have been assaulted in your driveway like 10 years ago you don't know much else but this is who I was with you know anything and they were like I know the guy you're talking about I don't speak to him anymore but if you're with him I can only imagine that you're not okay and

So I was chatting away and she updated me on the following 10 years after me and stuff. And then just every so often she'd just ping me a text and be like, I found this, I found this. She stopped speaking to him after he had found the cure for cancer. What? And the president of Ireland wouldn't take his call. I don't know why. Obviously he was on to something.

and the HSE, I don't know what you guys call it, like the NHS in the UK, the health service, whatever, wouldn't take his calls because he's not a doctor, he's a crackpot life. And then he was arrested shortly after, I think, because he was driving down a main street in town with no clothes on, on his way home.

This friend of his had been rooting and rooting for me and I forgot that the friend was looking. I just get this YouTube link and I was like, oh, okay. And I clicked on it and there he was. I was like, oh, Jesus, I wish I had a warning. Mortified, absolutely mortified. He didn't look like that when I was with him. He had trousers and a fur. He had like a very Russian mobster, like mafia look. Yeah.

I wouldn't insult the Russians like that. I don't even like them. I wanted to check in and see how you were feeling after the interview and stuff. Like it's a lot to process. Yeah. I mean, there were things that I remembered that I hadn't remembered until you guys asked. And all of a sudden I was like, oh, okay. And there were bits and pieces that someone else has helped me to fill in.

So, yeah, it was good. It was just, it was like we'd go for a massage or something. You come home and you're just like, we're therapy. The way out is through and it's the corniest shit, but you really like have to keep going. Gotta get through the bad to go to the good. There have been a couple of times that I have bitten out loud where before I would have done it in my head. Like I was up in a garage recently that my partner works in and this ex-boss of his was there and I

I hate him. I'd rather you screw me over than him. Like I'm fiercely protective. And this guy just grinds my gears. And I used to get really nervous when I saw him. He came up a few weeks ago and he walked past and I was just like, fucking Wednesday Adams at him, like just deadpan. And then he said hello to my daughter. And I was like, don't you fucking speak to her. Yeah.

Good for you. Your man waved at me and I was like, oh, don't even fucking think about it. But I went back in and his friend was like, I don't know what he did to her, but I've asked him to leave. I was like,

She's like, I've never seen her like that before. That's great, though. So yeah, a couple of times I've been like, you should do this in my head. But it's it's finding or it's not even finding, it's recognizing your own strength. Like you can stand up to people. I've always been the one that I'm like, he's bright. I take him and he's like, yeah, you would do nothing. And I'm like,

Yeah, no, I probably will do. Yeah, I'll have the arguments in my head for days and I'll win those arguments as you get stronger and more confident in who you are. Then all of a sudden you're just you tolerate less. And yeah, especially with kids. Like if somebody I can handle if I don't like somebody, but if somebody that I don't like talks to my kids, I'm like, psh.

I don't mean to sound superstitious but like I think sometimes these things happen for a reason at different times and I think I'm more ready than I have ever been to kind of face it and kind of go well that was shit and what have I learned and um I think for years I probably just didn't even recognize it or look at it because I couldn't and there's this theory of um

In psychology, it's Freud, so it's obviously a little bit cracked, but it's the ego and the id. And he says that this is an iceberg. Here's the water, that when things happen, this is the conscious and this is the subconscious. What you can handle will be dealt with up here, but what you can't will be put down here under the water until you're better equipped to deal with it. And it happens in situations like when you go into shock or things like that.

And I firmly believe that that's probably what happened, is that my conscious was like, oh, listen, if we unpack this now, she's going to lose her shit. So she'll wait until she's a bit further away from it.

You guys are all depressed now, are you? You have no idea what I've put these people through. There is usually like me bawling a bottle of whiskey. And so like depressed is... You need to get Kleenex to sponsor you. I gotta go take a deep breath. I can see my neck is all completely red. Mine does the same thing. I get super flushed. It's such an awkward towel.

The thing about the iceberg is you never know when something from your past is going to come up. We're constantly replenishing the stuff that we're able to deal with, learning. And sometimes you might not have the tools today to handle something in your past. I don't know when this stuff is going to come up and knock me on my ass.

I started telling a story about a bad relationship and ended up realizing that I swiped on Kanan and went on that roller coaster ride because it felt familiar. And it is because of these deep wounds that have happened to me that I hadn't fully addressed that stuff that is below the surface. Like Lou, I firmly believe that we process this stuff differently.

when we need to and when we have the tools. For her, it was a decade later. It was about finding that photo and knowing she was safe and could handle it. And for me, it was three decades later. It was in sitting and being uncomfortable and sharing my story. The only way, though, to do that is to recognize it. The funny thing about diving into your past is...

You don't know how much weight you're going to have to shed before you can come up for air. You can support the show by joining us on Patreon. Episodes are available early and ad-free. That's patreon.com slash Brittany Ard. Or find a link below in the show notes. Our executive producer is Brittany Ard. Our senior producer and editor is Sydney Gladue.

Sound engineering by Sean Simmons. Graphic design by Najela Shama. Opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. You Probably Think the Stories About You is a production of BDE Unlimited Productions. You can follow Brit for updates at britney.ard on all social media platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also, give us a rate or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.