It is a Love Story
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Hey, it's Britt. Since you've started this episode, you might know that season two is here. There are seven episodes available to binge right now. Subscribers on Patreon and Apple get early access to ad-free episodes. You'll also get exclusive access to my bi-monthly video episodes and first dibs on tour tickets and merch. It's been almost exactly two years since I found out about Canaan.

and ended that relationship. I was talking today with a woman and she told me that she was glad that she had had this awful experience with a man because she's learned so much about herself. I feel the same way about Kanan. I am a little grateful for the experience

Even though I intended to show up in that relationship, vulnerable, which I did, I wasn't 100% myself because I still was learning who I am. I will always be learning more about myself. But the impact of Canaan in my life compelled me to want to share my story. And in doing that, realized that for 40 some odd years,

I thought that I was in control of how I was showing up in relationships when it really was just a culmination of the things that have happened to me in my life. I'm Brittany Yard. You probably think this story is about you, but this story is mine. I will always say, and I believe with my whole self, that my life has been

beautiful and full and there's laughter and joy in the midst of all of the chaos. But it was all built on the back of me avoiding understanding how those things affected me. And I thought it made me stronger or more capable of handling bullshit.

What Kanan taught me is that I was vulnerable in that relationship because I needed a validation and a love to fill a void that was an incredibly deep wound from a mother's neglect. For years in therapy, we talk about how those relationships or the relationships with my mom, the loss of my sister affected me. It didn't click. I didn't really get it.

I've had two marriages that didn't work out. And I probably would have said before that it was their fault that those marriages didn't work. That I tried to communicate that I did everything I could. But the truth is that they were doomed from the beginning because I wasn't aware that I also had a wall up. If

The people I'm choosing are comfortable and they fill a void. It's really easy to get into that pattern of accepting certain behaviors or being used to them. That deep wound comes when you want that person to be different than who they are. In the end, it really comes down to I still always wanted my mom to be

love me or to choose me or to pick me over addiction. There's this beautiful sadness in the fact that I have spent my entire life re-traumatizing myself because the people that I'm choosing weren't able to do that for me

But they shouldn't have been able to. They didn't have the tools. I kept trying to fix a problem that I didn't realize I had, hoping that I could love someone enough that they would see my worth. I didn't wait long after Kanan and I split up to start dating again. I didn't want to put myself back on the shelf. I wanted to stay open.

I wasn't going into those relationships looking for love, probably the opposite, because I was still processing everything with Canaan. It became such a big part of my life, especially deciding to tell you all about it. I went into a studio and shared some of my most traumatic moments and experiences.

deepest insecurities with essentially a room full of strangers. During that process, it became my goal to sit in being uncomfortable. When my last marriage was ending, it was at the height of COVID and I would say I was clinically depressed.

After Granny died and I was trying to process that grief and that loss, it became very clear to me that I was married to someone that was unable to handle this new version of me, this one that needed care.

COVID was ramping up. Our house was chaotic in energy and fear. And there was a moment that I realized I was depressed. When you have a house full of kids, especially during a pandemic, it was so much weight on me as a person

I had this thought that if I'm going to do this alone, I'm going to do it alone. Deciding to separate from him was very difficult. He's a good man. He wasn't malicious. He was kind to me. There wasn't this salacious reason for us to get divorced. I know that there's the Instagram quotes or posts

Reels that get stuck in my algorithm that say one day you're going to wake up and just realize that it's going to be OK or you're going to be OK. And I kind of call bullshit. It wasn't one day.

It was deciding that I didn't want to stay in a situation that didn't bring me joy. And relationships are hard, so it wasn't about not navigating changes. It was trying everything, every way to approach it. We did counseling every week for a year and a half.

And there was no change in how we were able to communicate. And we would communicate, but it's comprehension. You can talk all you want. If your partner or person doesn't comprehend or can see and understand whole space and empathy for something you're going through, it's like beating your head against a wall. And I...

I made the choice to separate the day we told the kids. It was the first time that my kids had ever seen me cry. And my youngest was in high school at the time. My oldest was there when we buried Braylee. And all of them were there when we went through the loss of Granny. It is sad to me that my kids had never seen me cry before.

But it also started this need that I had to show my children that I'm human and I have bad days and not bad days where I'm on edge and I snap back because they didn't pick up their clothes, but that I struggle with my own sense of self-worth because I

If they don't see me going through that and finding ways to navigate those sorts of thoughts, how are they going to feel comfortable doing the same? I realized that I was doing my children and myself a disservice by being this tough person.

And modeling for them that in order to get through a problem, you just push through it. I thought that I was impressive because I could power through any of the traumas. That I could stand up at Granny's funeral and give a eulogy without shedding a tear. I was proud of that. I thought it made me stronger, a better mother, a better person.

person. Realizing that in order for my children to live a life that was true to who they are, I needed to make sure that they knew that who we are is comprised of the best and worst parts of us and that the people that we have in our lives should love us through all of that.

The true gift I could give my children was for them to see that the strength and courage is in being human. I equated self-confidence with self-love, and I think I'm pretty fucking amazing. I know that bothers some of you, but really anyone that is trying is perfect.

pretty fucking incredible. People talk about the big traumas that happen in their life and how that shapes them, but it's really a collection of everything that happens in your life. The day-to-day stuff is what really takes a toll on who we are if we don't understand why we're making choices.

And it can be debilitating. It put me in my bed crying for a month. It wasn't just the big stuff that affected me. It was trying to get to six different baseball games in two days and to show up for each of my kids as best I can online.

and show up for myself and my partner and my job. It's overwhelming and we don't get to be overwhelmed. We get to make sure that our front porch is decorated the cutest on the block so that we can post it on Instagram. There is so much happiness and joy and it's so fulfilling to have these lives that

are rich with experiences and the people we love and doing things for the people we love. But I look around at all of these people, usually women, that are holding this all up.

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and move into a world of dating. It wasn't just the experience with Kanan. It was date after date after date of men that are emotionally abusive in a way that feels normal and feels like we're just supposed to accept it.

There's this idea that men lie, men cheat. What's the big deal? And if you are a person that has to lie, coerce, or manipulate to convince a woman to date you or have sex with you, you are harmful. Not just in that moment, you didn't just convince someone to go on a date or to have sex.

That is something that alters that person's perception of future relationships. In Kanan's case, drastically over prolonged periods of time convinced women that they were not worthy. They were less than. They were stupid because they fell for it. And

Kanan's walking around still doing this to people and some of you have responded as if that's just how men are. And it isn't just how men are. It's the men that have no awareness of themselves and how they impact the people around them. I wanted a different outcome for myself and I knew the only way to get that was to be uncomfortable.

So over a couple years, I would make sure that I was uncomfortable in my feelings when I think it mattered. One of those uncomfortable moments was deciding to share my story.

And the responses that I've gotten back have created this desire to make sure that other people have a place to share their stories. The common theme in the messages that I'm getting is that you can relate. And it might be to all of it or parts of it.

it cracked open this need in me to make sure that you don't feel alone and you don't feel like you can't be exactly who you are in order to be loved. And now this is my life. I spend my days talking with people from all over the world

and hearing their stories, I didn't know what was going to happen when you started listening. Every week was building and you were hearing more and more about my softest parts. I had stopped dating during production. I wanted to focus on the story and I was really burned out from trying to connect with someone.

As the weeks went on and the story kept building, I was probably in the most vulnerable moments of my life because it wasn't just people I didn't know listening. It was people I knew. My aunt at Sunday dinner after listening to chapter four said, I didn't know that. I didn't know that about you. And we talk all the time.

Four weeks in, we decided to throw a party. I will find any excuse to throw a party and get people that I love together. I love all the aspects of creating an event where people can get together. So from making the invitations to shopping for the food. And Granny would say, don't put a bottle of

salad dressing on the table, put it in the cup that matches the plate. And it's so simple and nobody would ever notice, but it brings a little extra beauty. It's the details that I think are so important. Every part of that party was this culmination of the details that had brought us to celebrate that night. It wasn't about celebrating the success.

of sharing my story because not very many of you were listening then. At that point, it didn't matter if anyone was listening. The celebration that I was having was that I did it. I was proud of myself for remaining uncomfortable. That night, it was, you know, people that have been in my life for so long, new friends and people I had met doing the production.

It was fun and light and beautiful. And we pulled off an insane 22-foot-long charcuterie board that I will be proud of forever. But something happened that night that I believe will truly change the rest of my life. And as some of my stories start, it was being introduced to a man.

One of my very good friends that I've had for a long time, that I'm very close with, brought her cousin. It was right at the start of the party, so I was flustered trying to wrap up final stuff before everybody showed up. I had never met him in real life. We had been social media friends for a while, and he didn't stay very long. On Monday, I got a message on Instagram from him.

And he said, you know, I survived the weekend. Hope you did too. I was going to go have a glass of wine if you want to join me. And that Monday, the show started blowing up. More and more people were listening. And I was excited and terrified. So we met and had a drink. He showed up at a time where I felt very vulnerable.

And with his bright eyes and amazing smile, he gave me a space to laugh through a lot of really uncomfortable moments during that next month. It kicked off a crazy summer romance. But this story is not about him. It allowed me to be me and

Not the same me that was making those same choices, but this version of myself that was the strongest, toughest, softest person that I had ever been. What ended up happening was something so unexpected. I fell in love, not with him because I don't know him. I fell in love with me.

in such a way that I know that I'm going to be in love for the rest of my life. And like in all relationships, I am going to have ups and downs with myself, and there are going to be days when I struggle. But it was the love story I always wanted. It gave me the opportunity to see that that true love that I've always wanted was for myself.

And the validation that I was seeking from others was invalidated because now it was authentically me accepting who I am. There isn't a recipe for how I got to that point. I didn't meditate every day. I didn't journal. There wasn't...

an Instagram Reel that finally gave me clarity. Historically, I have used the phrase, I'm going to get off this roller coaster now. It's not about me getting on or off a roller coaster or someone else's roller coaster. It's that I am the roller coaster and I get to choose who gets on and off this ride.

What's coming up next is in my control. This is my roller coaster. I want to keep living as authentically as I can. So I'm going to keep making choices to love and learn and fail and be human and chase joy through the chaos and beauty of this life. There's still...

unhealed parts of me that wishes this guy at the end of this summer romance would have picked me but when I get stuck in that thought I have to remind myself that my happily ever after is living exactly how I fucking want

It isn't just my story that I want to share. This next story is from Lou. It just resonated with me so much. There were so many things that had happened to you, things that you had felt that you

Like I said, the red flags that he was waving and you were just walking past and being like, oh, they're so pretty. She was looking for validation. I think, you know, when you've been gaslit, you still always do kind of have that insecurity. Like, is it me or is it them?

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Sound engineering by Sean Simmons. Graphic design by Najela Shama. Opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. You Probably Think the Stories About You is a production of BDE Unlimited Productions. You can follow Brit for updates at britney.ard on all social media platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also, give us a rate or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.