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True Story Media. Some names and details have been changed. This episode contains mature themes and can be difficult for some listeners. Please see the show notes for details and resources. And then it turned to like, I want to get a picture of him. I don't want to see him, but I want to put it up somewhere and just go, I can't believe I used to be scared of you.

Like I'd love to have the same thing with spiders, but I wanted to be able to look at it and go, look at this tiny picture. You're not scary. You don't scare me. And if I saw you now... That's when she began searching. You probably think this story is about you. I'm Brittany Yard. This story belongs to Lou. When she saw John at the barbershop, it had been nearly a decade since they had had any contact. So she started with the last thing she knew.

But I got a phone call after we broke up from his mother saying he's gone missing. We think he's trying to commit suicide. Like, this is all your fault. And I was like, no. And I remember talking to a friend, a family friend of mine, and he was like, delete that number. The last I had heard was that their house had been raided, which is like where they turn up at five o'clock in the morning because they know you're going to be there. And he was taken.

to prison. But I just said to her, like, please don't call me again. When you would look him up on social media and stuff, what sort of things did you find out? Nothing. Nothing? I found nothing.

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He is completely dark on social media. He always was.

And I suppose that didn't really occur to me at the time because I was posting pictures and stuff, which I've now all deleted, which is really annoying. But after we broke up, he was in prison as far as I knew. So I think I thought I was pretty safe until. Why did you want to get a photo of him? This was about six years after I saw him that I began to think, where is that fucker? Rather than, I wonder what he's doing.

And I had been to therapy myself for some other stuff. And I think I learned a lot. So I think that strength is now kind of coming back and I'm like, oh, I want to face you. So that's when I reached out to the girl. I was looking for women with that name, which there were like maybe 10 with a son. And that's all I knew. So I had to kind of take the guess.

And I reached out one night and I just sent a message saying, hey, I don't know. This is totally random. And please ignore me if you're uncomfortable. But I think we were with the same guy. And I have the original message from Lou here. It says, hi there. You don't know me. I was with John after you. And he told me about the awful things he did to you. I understand why you left as I did. I was petrified of him for a long time.

And I'm only just coming around to the strength within me. Hope we can chat. Thanks. Lou used the internet to do a little sleuthing and found Eve. Hi, my name is Eve. I'm from Ireland. I think I knew how she felt. She was looking for validation. I think, you know, when you've been gaslit, you still always do kind of have that insecurity. Like, is it me or is it them?

And she was like, oh shit. Yeah. She was very reserved, like very, very guarded. And we talked a little bit back and forth and I said, look, I'm looking for a picture of him. And she was like, you will not find a scrap of him on the internet. He is like the ultimate...

Shady bastards. And she told me, plus the last I heard, he's on the run. He's not even in Ireland anymore. Using the internet to find all these other women that shared the same story with Kanan that I had, I didn't know who they were. I didn't know what story they would have or how they...

interacted with Kanan and the initial message that I would send was always really complicated because I don't know where these women are in their lives. Eve had dated John for four years. They were engaged and they had a son together. Lou met John after that relationship ended. My sister had a baby and I was 19. So I was like, dude, she's having a baby. Like that's so...

And all of a sudden he was like, oh, I know what to get her. I'm going to get her a baby bag because the bag is the most important thing to hold all your bits when you're out. And I was like, oh, I was just going to get her to rattle and shoot. He was like, no, no, no. When I had my son and I was like. So it was only when my sister had the baby that all of a sudden this information came out. Now, it was true. He did say.

But like that, if someone had an interest in something, he'd be like, yeah, me too. And he'd have all these facts. And I'm like, who are you? But it was like they were in reserve for when they needed to come out. Lou didn't know that he had a child until they were well into their relationship. I think I would respond to anybody if I thought they were vulnerable.

I genuinely would. Like even if it was somebody that I didn't know, you know, like I'll stop and sit down and have a chat with a homeless person or buy them a coffee or buy them a meal. If anybody is struggling, I'll sit with them. No problem. It seems that universally the worst guys get the best of women. I was about 24 and I had planned a holiday to Rio de Janeiro. And before I went, I went for a dancing lessons.

And in the dance lessons in the group, there was this guy who I didn't particularly pay any attention to because I was going dancing a couple of nights a week. And like I said, I was going to quite a big holiday, so I wasn't really looking for romance or anything like that. And I just bought a new house at the time and the house was broken into and one night he offered to come home with me.

because I didn't feel safe in the house. So that was kind of how it started. We were friends and gradually then he kind of started coming back more. John has a way of coming in as a protector. He did it with Lou and he did it with Eve. Where I live...

At the time, the nearest thing to me was a graveyard and fields, so it was quite isolated. And I was quite nervous, but I think he kind of played, he preyed on that at the time. I think in hindsight, he knew what he was doing. And he's a big guy. He's a very big guy and he's big built. We went out one night and I wore this white suit.

And it was like something, it was a television series at the time, it was like a white kind of tuxedo suit, which now you're talking 20, 25 years ago. And when we came out, he kind of put his coat around me and was very kind of chivalrous. He came in the taxi home with me because I didn't want to come home on my own in the taxi, which looking back now, like Ireland was an awful lot safer then than it would be now.

But that was kind of how he started. It kind of went from a friendship and then he kind of, now that I think of it, he kind of pinned me up against the wall and kissed me in the nightclub. He kind of put two hands, one hand either side of my head so I couldn't move.

initiating sexual activity or kissing has shifted so much in the last 25 years. It was a different time. And men would routinely just sort of step into a woman's space and initiate contact like that. And then the house was broken into around Halloween, which was actually my birthday weekend and the house was broken into. So I'd say he'd moved in before the Christmas break.

I think in hindsight, he knew what he was doing. The first week that he moved in, in hindsight, I say it was probably his mother bought it, but he arrived up with a load of shopping and that was it. He never bought shopping again. I do think that he kind of uses his mum as well to kind of make out like he's a nice person. I think she enables him to be quite honest with you.

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At the time, his mother lived abroad and she came back to Ireland at Christmas and she

This particular night, he hadn't stayed with me and he arrived at my front door at eight o'clock in the morning. It might have even been before eight, it might have been quarter to eight, with his mother in tow and introduced his mother. When I first met him, he was a hairdresser and then he went on to become a bouncer and

So although we were living together, I was working the other side of the day to him. So we wouldn't have actually spent that much time together. Even though we lived in the same house, we were kind of passing each other, if you get me. Eve described this time in her life as a series of cycles. Their relationship started changing almost immediately, but she could never keep tabs on who he would be that day anymore.

the person that he was initially wasn't one that showed up often. Yeah, it changed fairly quickly once he got his feet under the table. He started not coming home.

I see now it was financial abuse what he did. He moved in, never paid towards a bill. I'd lost contact with quite a lot of my friends or they were kind of keeping their distance because they didn't like him. You know, they all felt that he was very shifty, that he wasn't trustworthy. He'd probably caused rows or, you know, if I was out with my friends, he'd arrive and want me to go home there and then. The way I would describe it is the relationship kind of went in cycles.

where he wouldn't work for a while and he'd be at home and we'd have time together and we'd get on really well and then while he wasn't working he would build up debts and then he'd end up doing two jobs to kind of pay back the debts so when we weren't seeing each other we didn't really get on as well

When you're in a relationship with someone that use mental, emotional, physical abuse to control, there are sweet moments. There are those times that they seem like that person that you initially fell in love with. And this is why it can be so hard to leave these relationships because the good times are usually really good. It's just that the bad times

can be so evil. In fact, to be fair to him, even though I was quite young when I was going out with him, I was actually quite sick. And he actually took really good care of me when I was sick. And I think that was kind of what kept me there. He had asked me to marry him and I didn't want a particularly big wedding. So what I wanted was just, which is unusual in Ireland because weddings here at the time were quite a big thing.

And we took it where he wanted a loan to clear a debt and it was meant to be for something like 3000. And then when he turned up at my job, it was for 10. But he turned up like when I was really, really busy. I was like, look, just sign this. Foolishly, I signed it thinking it was for three. And then when I saw the paperwork, it was for 10 and he never paid it back.

He didn't show up the second day and say, I need 10,000 euros for this because that probably would have been a red flag for Eve and she would have been able to address that. But he was living with her. She paid the bills. You don't realize it's happening because it's death by a thousand cuts. That's how all abusers work in the beginning.

There was one morning I was going into work and like I literally had like five euro left out of whatever wages I've had. And he was asking me for money for cigarettes. Now, I don't smoke cigarettes.

So I was like, no, I want to get a hot chocolate on my way into work. And no, I wouldn't be thin. But he said to me, do you really need the extra hot chocolate? Do you really need the calories? And he took the money out of my hands. John, bit by bit, became controlling over Eve's money, over her time, and eventually...

most of her life, isolating her from the things that she used to do. He would have probably said that I was controlling, but I don't think necessarily that I was. It was more like you live here, like you could at least tell me if you're going to be here or not. I wouldn't be the tidiest of people. But while he wouldn't mind like living with his own dirt, if I left a cup in the sink, he'd go ballistic.

The more I hear about John, the less I like him. If we had a row, you know, a normal row, he would not stop until you sorted it out. He wouldn't leave you alone. He would never, even if he was completely in the wrong, he'd do something and he'd be completely in the wrong and he'd keep at you and at you and at you. Sometimes I'd be just, I need a bit of space, you know, I need a bit of time. I just want to, you know, think through how you feel and he'd never give you that time. He was always there.

One of the ways that manipulators work is by breaking you down. Manipulators have nothing to lose other than the person that they're manipulating. So they'll say anything. At the time, I think he was experimenting with drugs and drugs.

He came home one night and he was in the bathroom and I went in and I was talking to him. And I came back out. I think he asked me to get a towel or something and I came back and handed it to him. And then he said, who are you? And I said, you know who I am. And he said, I said, I'm Eve. And he said, where's the other Eve gone? The dark haired Eve. And I don't know whether it was drugs or whether he was having a psychotic break. It's kind of hard to know.

But we kind of laughed about that afterwards. But in hindsight, it really wasn't funny. Something shifted in him that night. And like there was there was times and I know this probably sounds absolutely bonkers. But I remember looking at him one time and he looked like something from a scary movie. Like his pupils were like huge.

And there was one night when he was asleep and I know this probably sounds really bonkers but I made the sign of the cross on his forehead and he was fast asleep and he woke up and grabbed my hand. I was actually going out the door to work so he slept it off and then when I came home he'd gone out to work so it was a couple of days later before I saw him again.

Because we worked, like, he was working at night and I was working during the day. And I would have had to leave the house at about maybe half six, quarter seven in the morning to get to work. But he would have been coming in from a party at half six, quarter to seven. There was an instance when John threw Eve down the stairs and he didn't know that she was pregnant at the time.

When he found out she was pregnant, he didn't continue being physically abusive, but both Eve and Lou experienced physical violence from John on countless occasions. The first time I think was around Christmas. Yeah, it would have been the second Christmas. And I didn't throw him out because it was around Christmas and he kind of charmed his way back in then over the Christmas by just being really nice and really attentive.

This is a cycle that kept continuing. He'd asked me to marry him and we'd got engaged and then we'd taken, or he'd taken out this loan that was meant to be for the wedding. And then I found out that I was pregnant and I was due the baby early.

I think three weeks after when we were supposed to get married. So I just didn't want to get married while I was pregnant. Even though the relationship with John was tumultuous, there were enough good times. And she felt that starting a family with him was the next step in their relationship. Pregnancy was very planned, believe it or not. He collected me from work one day. And at the time, I was about 28 years.

And I think then 28 was classed as a geriatric pregnancy. I think it's a little bit older now. I think it's about 35. But he said to me, you know, you're not getting any younger and you want kids. Do you think we should start trying for a baby? And yeah, like it was definitely planned. But we were trying for quite a while, I think about a year maybe before I actually did get pregnant.

Going through a pregnancy is a very emotional experience. And she already was doing this with the additional stress of John's erratic behavior. When she decided to leave John shortly after her son was born, it speaks to how strong she had to be for herself and her son. Because it's really hard to go through a pregnancy alone.

under the best conditions and she went through that in the worst. John left, well I threw him out when my son was 11 days old. I caught him cheating when he was 11 days old and he'd been cheating when I was in labour.

So, you know, us women can be a bit sensitive about things like that. When I had my son, I breastfed. At the time, I didn't really understand a lot about breastfeeding. And my son came up in a rash. And, you know, your first time mom, tiny little baby. And he came up in a rash and I was like...

and brought him into the children's hospital and the doctors were all cooing over him. If I say so myself, like every mother does, he was a very, very cute baby. He was very, very blonde. He had all this like blonde, fluffy hair and the doctors were all there playing with him and saying how cute he was. So we came home. He would have been

maybe 10 days old at the time and we'd been phoning his mum because you know the baby was in hospital and she was worried and you know I was worried. I don't think I even checked his temperature I just ran into the hospital with him and his mum was ringing my phone and I didn't get to my phone quick enough and then I saw his mum was ringing his phone. So I went to pick up

And I saw a text message from a girl saying, why are you ending it now? You're only saying this now because you have a baby. To be honest, I threw him out. It wasn't even that he chose to leave. I changed the locks, threw him out. And I just felt this huge sense of relief. I was in financial dire straits because I wasn't working and he'd cleaned me out of everything.

And I remember one time he used to kind of rock. He used to have this little rocking chair. I don't know if you remember them. You could kind of bounce a baby in them. And he was nodding off to sleep. And as he was nodding off to sleep, he just gave me this big, huge smile. I'm getting emotional even thinking about it now. I mean, he's 6'2 now and he's 19. But I remember just thinking, yeah, everything's going to be OK.

You know, now it was a while before it was okay, but it made me who I am. You know, you find strength that you didn't know that you had. It's very true. Sometimes it'd be nice though to not be so strong. Yeah, it would, yeah.

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Eve has kept an eye on John's whereabouts throughout her son's life. But when I saw that John was in another relationship and that this girl was pregnant, I reached out to her and I said, look, I don't know if you know this, but John has a child that he doesn't see and he doesn't support. And she said, I presume they had told her that I'm crazy.

And, you know, maybe I am. But I was trying to kind of preempt her in a nice way. You know, he's not how he seems. And the timings of this story sometimes fascinate me. I was about six months pregnant with my second son when she contacted, when his wife, they'd separated and she contacted me and basically said,

reiterated what had been my story. Eve had heard from other women before Lou, but something about the connection between Eve and Lou came at the right time for both of them. But I think for Lou, it was when she had her child again, that that was when it kind of came out for her. I think I knew how she felt because I'd seen it with his wife.

And I think she was looking for validation. I think, you know, when you've been gaslit and you still always do kind of have that insecurity, like, is it me or is it them? I think there's certain things that she's been through that only I can understand. And same for her. I think for the two of us, it's not just our story. Our stories are kind of intertwined.

And that was the thing, like when I started looking at this years ago, I used to write, Lou writes as well as a hobby, which is kind of unusual. In Ireland, Lou talks about how they still haven't gotten to a point where mental health is something you talk about or even understand.

If you get hurt, you don't cry about it. It's a whole different structure around the openness to share and to reflect on the things that have happened. Like I don't, I'm more, I'm less likely to cry over physical pain because I wasn't allowed to as a child. So if I hurt myself, I'm more likely to curse and walk off than to cry. But yeah, it is like the Irish are emotionally stunted. Like we just are.

We're just not used to talking about our feelings. Like that's why we write poetry and films because it's like, well, I'm not going to talk about it so much as it's about this. And also, yeah, there is the Irish thing of sure, it's grand, it's fine. It's taken me like 35 years to get out of that. This got a lot deeper than Lou anticipated, but it's still a hunt for a photo. Actually funny, even in his mother's house, there wouldn't be many pictures of him around.

I don't know what it was that she wanted, but to get from the photo, like, but I suppose she was looking for closure. I think she's still like, why the fuck would I have one of those? The only photo that I found was like ancient. She gave me one from when he was like 18 or something. It was a group photo and I saw him instantly. I was like, oh, there he is. But that's it. She's like, that's the best I can do. So yeah, there's like 15 people in the picture and a dog.

One girl is dressed up with like a nice dress and he's standing behind her with his arms crossed because obviously. And he's looking moody and everybody else is smiling actually. Red flag.

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Sound engineering by Sean Simmons. Graphic design by Najela Shama. Opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. You Probably Think the Stories About You is a production of BDE Unlimited Productions. You can follow Brit for updates at britney.ard on all social media platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also, give us a rate or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.