Farts Are A Love Language | Your Mom's House Ep. 805
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What's up everybody? It's Tom Segura. Tickets for my fall dates of the Come Together Tour are on sale right now. You can get them. No code words, no special signs, no handshakes. Just go to tomsegura.com/tour and pick up those tickets. I will see you there this fall. A whole bunch of cities have been added. Thank you, I love you, and I will see you. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

Bye.

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- Guten Tag. - Guten Tag, willkommen. - Welcome. - That burp you made, did they get to hear that before we started rolling even? - I don't know. - That was mighty, mighty. - Oh, Niana just nodded. - Oh, cool. - Yeah. - You guys get to hear what I hear all the time. - Yeah. - We'll talk about that a bit more today 'cause you've been in special form and I have a theory why and I'm gonna get into that later. - Oh, really, you have a theory? - I do. - I don't know about this theory. - I do. - Oh, cool, man. - I do.

What's everybody? What's everybody? It's great to be here. We have so many cool updates to share with you. A lot of cool things going on. Yeah. A lot of cool updates. Do you want to show off and say what you did yesterday? Oh, you're just going to get into it right now? Why not? This leads into my theory as to why you've been ramping up the burps, the farts, the hawking loogies.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life. Yeah. Hold the applause. And it's not for any reason. It was just a standard thing, so don't worry. And I think, and I'm just going to put this out here and see if this sounds like familiar. I think you're a little jellies because A, I got to watch all, everything come out of me in a waterfall fashion. I got some cool farts and I got a propofol nap. That's what I'm jealous of. Am I saying that right? Propofol? Yeah. Yeah.

And I think you're jealous and you're just showing off a little bit. You're peacocking a little. Does that sound familiar? Yeah, I don't think that's, I am insanely jealous that you got anesthesia. It's so good. Because it's my favorite thing. And it's the only thing I haven't really reached out to somebody for. I'm trying to find a doctor that'll do it. Like Michael Jackson? Yeah, 100%. And by the way, I'll pay. I'll pay cash. Yeah. I'll do what you want.

I want you to come to the house. I want you to give me propofol. You have to sleep in a chamber, though. Didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber? I don't think you have to sleep in one. He just puts the thing on your nose. Yeah, you just need a doctor to monitor you. All night. Dude, did MJ...

You just have a doctor all night monitoring you? Well, that guy was there all the time. I don't know if he spent the night all the time. But that's crazy. His tolerance went way, way up. Yeah. Because he was able to metabolize the propofol in increasing amounts so quickly that they had to keep ramping it up. It's wild because my brain was totally charred after it. Like, yesterday I had brain zaps. Imagine you're the doctor that killed me.

Michael Jackson. What happened to him? I'm sure he's in prison by now. He did have to serve some time, but I don't know what ultimately. See, this is the crazy thing about really rich celebrities is you can find anybody to do anything as long as they don't have morals. He was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, inadvertently overdosing with a powerful surgical anesthetic, propofol. He served just under two years of his original four-year sentence. Crazy.

Conrad Murray. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a powerful way to sleep. Honestly, that's a little too much. Like you're, you're just dead. You're basically dead all night. There he is. Yeah. He looks good.

- He looks cool. - Yeah, I wonder what he's doing these days. - I don't know. - 'Cause I'll tell you this, if you can still get your hands on that Propofol, I'll hire you. - No. - I'll hire you. - But I do have something really relevant to the YMH world that I'd like to bring to the light. So by the way, colonoscopy, no biggie. I really thought it would be way worser than it was. Not a big deal. You drink this nasty shit that makes you basically waterfall dump.

For hours. For hours. Fine. It doesn't hurt. How many times do you think you sat on the toilet? Oh my gosh. 80? No. 87? No, there's no way. It was not that many times. Because I like to get up. I would sit down and try to watch something. It was an 80 something times. It was a lot. It was 180.

And I'd feel a tug, but that thing's not painful. It's not like diarrhea where you're like, oh, like bent over. No cramping. You just feel like a little like boop boop. And then you go sit down. Hello. And then, but you better sit down fast. There's no time to spare because you sit down and water. Eventually water comes out of your butthole. Here's the cool part. At 4 a.m. Are you ready? I'm ready. At 4 a.m. I was browning water, just clear water, which is where you're supposed to get.

At one point, water was coming out of my b-hole and piss was coming out of my p-hole. Now we've got the double pipe classic, which is a burp and a fart at the same time. What would you call, since you coined it, you're in the urban dictionary, when you brown water and pee at the same time? Wow. It's like double stream magic. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Double stream magic. Yeah.

I don't think that's ever going to happen again in my life. I don't know. It is magic. Like in unison together. But you're not shitting shit. Just to clarify. You're shitting water. You're literally just, you sit down and water comes out of your bum. It's wild. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. What did you call it? A double stream magic. Yeah. Yeah. I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic. I would say this too. It really, they, they made it pretty clear getting everyone thinks, I don't want to do that. They prevent so many deaths and catch so many things early by getting colonoscopies. If you're over 40 and you haven't had one,

You know, it's just you owe it to yourself, to your family. You should do it. It's totally. Yeah, it's a total preventative thing. And it's how they know, oh, something's up with your GI tract. We got to do something. If you don't do it, it's everything. It's way too late when you're like, I'm fucking shitting blood. Well, and also those kits that they say, oh, you just scrape your poo and then you nail it in. Those are not. It's too late. By the time it shows up there, you've already got cancer. You're fucked. You're dead. You're dead.

Yeah. So just go. And by the way, the actual procedure, 20 minutes, 20 minutes long. And by the way, you get a propofol nap. I know it is the best part. I was so jealous. You were, you always are when I get anesthesia. I know you're so, well, I'm signing up for one just to get that. Cause I've had one. I had a, I had a colonoscopy a few years ago, but it's time for another and I'm super jealous and I just want to get, I know you're jealous. That's why you've been ramping up the burps and the farts. And do you want me to talk about what you did yesterday? That's fine. I don't care.

You're so gross. So you're driving me to the colonoscopy. We're at a stoplight. And lately even really phlegmy, and I don't know if it's the air here in Austin, the allergies. And we're at a stoplight, and you're sneezing, and you're sneezing, and then you're doing this horking shit that you do as a dad.

And then, and I see it in the corner of my eye, you're pushing the button for the window to roll down. And then you do like an old Chinese guy. You go, and then you hark the loogie out of the car window. Like an old man. It was so fucking disgusting. Ruff, ruff, ruff.

- So fucking disgusting. - I sneezed and what happened was when I sneezed super violently, all the snot came into my mouth and I had a mouth full of snot. - Oh my God. - So it's like either spit out the window or just swallow it. - No, that's what a handkerchief is for. Gentlemen have handkerchiefs and you spit your spittle. By the way, I have to kiss your mouth, you know that? I kiss your mouth.

And it makes me think too, and what I realize is you don't wash your hands nearly as much as I thought you did. Well, I don't, first of all, I never wash my hands after I pee. That's nonsense. You wash your hands before you pee. That's what I do. Because my penis is clean. My hands are not. Why don't I do before and after? No, no, no. Because we can get piss on your hands. No, it's fine.

Why is it fine? It's urine on your hand. It's delicious, it's sterile, and it's good for you. I do not wash my hands after I pee. And you're a fool and you're letting the government tell you what to do if you do that. Psyops. Yeah. So you wash your hands before you touch your delicate, beautiful, clean penis. I agree with that. If I shit, I wash my right hand only because that's the hand that I wiped with. I don't wash my left hand.

You know what? As a fellow disgusting human, I'll take that because I do that too. When I piss and I wipe, I just wash my right hand. And then I don't even dry it off. People are always asking me, why don't you wash the other hand? Why am I wasting all that water and soap and everything? It's insane. Do you think there's a reason to wash both hands, Josh? I don't think there's a reason. I mean, the other hand kind of helps with the washing process, I feel like. No, you just go like this. Yeah, you got to do one of those things. But I feel like that's not as thorough. I like that.

I like that. Yeah. Sean gives me a lot of grief about it. About what? How I wash and when I wash. And he's like, did you just wash your right hand? And I go, yeah, that's the one I used. You're so vulgar and vile to your people that work with you too. You fucking fart on them. You fart around them. By the way too, you've been wrapping up your farts production. This team has like, they've stopped me multiple times and they're like, I like when you fart. Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody. Yeah. I don't know.

Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody. A lot of the staff has told me it's awesome when you do that. You know what he's been doing too in the house is when you fart, it's bad enough that you fart all the time, all the time, all the time. Now you lay on your back and you pull your legs in the air like the die-dye and you're only wearing underwear. No shirt, nothing else, just your panties and then you rip them and you do it in front of our children.

Yeah, they like that. They do like it. But I told them, I said, don't do this in front of your lives. The kids like it. The staff loves it. That's fine. The staff does not like it. They do like it. Nobody likes it. All right, here we go. Nobody likes it. Wait, what's that face, Niana? She doesn't like it. She does too. I don't approve. What are you talking about? I just think farts are a little disrespectful. Wow. I agree, Niana. I have to be fair across the board because I always yell at Annie for farting.

Is Eni just freely farting now? Yes. Yeah, sometimes. I mean, that went from zero fart policy to all the time now. That is crazy. He totally changed his tune with that.

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In honor of Eni, who's not here today, our opening clip is what I like to call Eni's Inner Thoughts. Here we go. Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. I always lie to them. Right off the rip. Shit. I'm broke. So soon as before they start the shit, I'm broke. I'm unemployed. Now, let's start right there. We can build on that shit. Cool. Don't bring anyone mugging to this.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Mom Segura. And Christina Pagitsi. Christina Pagitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, mama, mommy. Mommy, it's your mommy. She lives in my mom's house. It's your little mommy.

Do you love your mommy? Sure you do.

Don't feel bad about lying to these hoes. I love it. Yeah, I wish any was here so I could play his inner thoughts for him. Don't compliment that bitch. He's not here. But this guy's awesome. He's been giving out unsolicited advice to other young men who are in the field, you know, dating, trying to make it work with ladies, and he gives them just great advice. While y'all being sweet to a bitch and all kind and nice and trying to figure out his shit.

Y'all trying to tell her what you think she want to hear. I tell that bitch what she don't want to hear. Oh, you are fucking replaceable. Replaceable than a motherfucker because I'm fucking him, bitch. What's going on with you? You're replaceable. Yeah. You're not special. You're not unique. You can't count on me. I'm not reliable. You can't depend on me and I can't count on you and you're not reliable and I can't depend on you. I'm broke. Mm-hmm.

That's tight. Can I tell you though? Yeah. This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life. Yeah. And it works. It works. With a certain type of broad. Yeah. This is their jam. They love it. They love it. Cause they're like, maybe I can, maybe I can change. How do I get approval? How do I get approval? Yeah. How do I get the approval? I'm gay.

On game? On game. That's what my dad does. That's exactly what my dad would say. Yep.

He does do that. My dad does this a thousand percent to the hose. This is exactly how he got wet. And probably like this guy, your dad's got numbers, man. Numbers. Yeah. I mean, I've seen him do it. Like I've seen him be like, come on, baby. I don't, I don't do this. Like he, he'll just tell him straight up. Nope. Nope.

No, but they come back. You're right. They want more. I mean, someone like your dad, are they incapable of falling for someone? Do they ever fall for someone? Or that's just not even in there? They do. My father has, I think. But then they get bored and restless because real intimacy is not on the table. Like it's not, they're not capable of falling.

And if there's a bump in the road, like forget it. We're done. It's too much work. You're boring. It's too much work. It's either super boring or it's too much work and I don't want to do it. Yeah. There's no long term. Wow. That's cool. That's horrible.

Whoa. And then I tried to get his approval too as his daughter for years. You ever think about that fucked up game? Yeah. Wow. I'm so glad I didn't marry a guy like that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. I could have done that, Tommy. That could have been me. Well, you ain't shit. There you go. You're replaceable as shit, bitch. Oh, I like that. You ain't shit. That would put, that would be like, it's too much. Too close to the bone. Okay, anal, I guess. Would this make you happy? Yeah.

That's how you get a bitch to give you that asshole. For sure. By the way, now that I've had colonoscopy clean, the day is now if we wanted to buttfuck because there's nothing in there. Don't say if we wanted to. We want to. There's nothing in there. We want to and we're going to. Today? I just had the thing in my bee yesterday. That's fine. Aren't you not supposed to buttfuck after? No, no. The doctor said if you're going to buttfuck, do it in the next 48 hours.

- Do you think gay guys have cleaner bees than we do? - I do, I think they empty themselves out more. - Like way more. - Yeah, enemas. - For sure. - Remember how routine when we had, we asked Pierce. - Yeah. - He was just like, "Oh yeah, you just kinda flush it with warm water, you go through the routine, it all comes out clear, ready to rock."

What am I missing out on? You're missing out on a lot. We can figure it out today. The gay community, their asses are clean like that all the time. Yeah. Do you want to hear any of their thoughts? We'd love to. Hold on. Yeah. Yeah.

These hoes brainwash you into thinking that the only way you really gonna get treated right by them is if you run some paper. If you give them what the fuck they want, you pay for their nails or pay for their rent or keep a roof over their head or pay their car note, take care of their kids, whether they yours or not. Think about the logic of this shit, bro. Yeah. Most of these hoes ran through, they overweight, they not toned, they coochie all...

No walls, no bottom. They got all this trauma in their life. They got all these fucking exes. They got high body count. Listen to me. They lazy, they selfish, they vain, they narcissist, they psychopath, they sociopath. They play the victim. They whine and cry. Yep. Yeah. They moody, going on their cycle, coming off their cycle, going through menopause. They all the same, young all the way to old.

I told my motherfucking wife she tripping in this that and the other and I was like so whatever you do motherfuckers don't expect you to pour your motherfucking weight dead ass a real nigga is dead ass hell yeah wife I can't speak for all them pussies and lames and corny and goofies and green as fuck motherfuckers that bait a mouth I can't speak for them right I'm talking about a real nigga don't expect you to pour your own motherfucking weight twit

That shit is not worth that shit. That shit is worth investing into to hit it, hit it when you want it, hit it how you want it, hit it as long as you want it and tell that bitch to leave. And then when she leave, when you want her to fucking leave. Now that's worth investing money into all that other shit. This is spooky. That's a big ass hoe ass fuck shit. This is spooky. My dad's a real N. Yeah.

I didn't realize that I was raised by a strong black man. Oh, shit. This is a thousand percent his game. I'm talking about the real news. Yeah. That's what my dad is. It's crazy. Wait, did you hear the wife? He's like, I told my wife. Yeah. So he's married and he's doing all that. He's running game. Well, yeah. I mean, that's just what you're talking about. He's not some beta goofy ass fucking lame old green bitch. Dang. Wow.

Wow. Dude, this guy's rad. God, it's terrifying. I mean, this is, listen, if you're out there, if you're a young guy, if you're trying to like, what's going on with the ladies, this is who I would listen to. This guy's going to set you up for success. I mean, look, it's definitely a lane of courtship. Like we've talked about this before with the, what's his name? Tom.

Blow me up, Tom. Yeah. He was an overweight radio DJ in Los Angeles. Tom Likas. Tom Likas. And his whole thing too was like, dump that bitch. Don't spend a dime on her. First date, he was like, take him to Burger King. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, bitch, this is all you're worth. Yeah.

It does work. It's fucking super cool. It works. With a certain type. Oh, how soon after a colonoscopy can I bottom? Yeah. Really important. Can you read that in my eyes? I just can't. Sure, sure. Literally immediately. This actually might be the perfect time because you're as cleaned out as you can ever be. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Someone says you couldn't be more right. Listen, we are trying this tonight.

We're trying. Well, I'm a little worried now. No, no, no. Hold on. There's no worries. I haven't made a brown yet since my colonoscopy. Like how long before I make a brown? You got a while. You got a while. You got a while. Stop looking stuff up. We're going to try it.

Guys, Mother's Day is just around the corner. Speaking of awesome fathers, fathers that are real ends, what about the moms that are real out there? Get them the perfect for My Lipstick by Christina P. That's me. Go to ChristinaP.com. You can get all four for the absolutely perfect lipstick.

Mother's Day gift. Buy it now so that it gets there in time. Get that real bitch something for her day, you know? Tell that bitch thank you. Tell that bitch. I thank a bitch. I'm wearing Berlin today. You fart more than anyone else. First, you're probably wrong. Second, there's an easy fix for smelly flatulence. I'm Dr. Trisha Pastrza and I'm a gastroenterologist and an instructor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. Wow. And here's how to avoid offending people with an ill-timed fart. Real legitimate GI studies have found that farting anywhere

from 10 to 20 times per day is normal. 99% of our intestinal gas is made of odorless gases like nitrogen, methane, carbon dioxide, but 1% contains sulfur and it's that sulfur containing gas that makes farts smell so bad. - Mm-hmm, that's your farts.

So if you're worried about smelly flatulence before a high-risk social event, take a medication like bismuth salicylate or Pepto-Bismol. These have been shown to reduce 95% of sulfide-containing gases and reduce symptoms of flatulence. There is some concern about salicylate toxicity if you take it regularly in the long term, but if you're just trying to ease your social discomfort for a day or two, by all means, take a dose by mouth up to four times a day beforehand. You might want to try this before a long flight. It's elementary physics.

As altitude increases, air pressure, including intestinal air pressure, falls. So your intestinal gas has to expand. And at that point, there's really only one place for it to go. It's why everybody's gassier on an airplane. Who do you know who needs to hear this? We've been talking about this for ages, why you get fartier on the flight. Plain farts. It's confirmed. Also, your farts do smell very sulfuric because you eat a lot of eggs, right?

Yeah, they do. Your farts smell horrible. And because we've been together for 20 years now, I know your smells. Like, I know how they smell. Sniff that one. Like, I bet if we... Okay, hear me out. If we did this as a game. Yeah. I don't know if I would be open to it. If we had everybody fart into a film container and then I were to smell, like, open it and smell it, I bet you I could identify my husband's fart. You think so? Yeah. Just on the smells alone. Yeah.

Well, I think the staff's pretty excited about this. You guys ready to do that? Hell yeah. Tanner's up for it. I know Tanner's a guy. Niana's down. Yeah, Niana's down. You down to fart, Niana? I'm good. I'm good. She does fart here. I've seen it. You have? No. She has this particular corner in the garage where she goes. Really? Yeah. There's a sign in there that says Niana's fart corner.

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Once again, that's Target or Target.com.

Consider this your official notice that Mother's Day is fast approaching. Sunday, the 11th of May, is THE day for all the moms in our lives, so let's show them how much we care. This year, go for a gift that ignites her smile and maybe even triggers a few tears.

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From tech specs to budget recs, they'll help you find a piece your mom will love. Our very own Eni loves his mother so much.

And boy, did he get her a beautiful piece from Blue Nile. He showed all of us and she is going to be thrilled. Treat mom right this Mother's Day. Enjoy the ease and convenience of shopping Blue Nile, the original online jeweler. Go to BlueNile.com today. That's BlueNile.com.

You know, we've been, I've been asking other friends that we have married friends, whether or not they, their husband rips and blows ass in front of them. Not a lot do. Not a lot do. Honestly, like not a lot. Who says yes? Well, I can tell you the trestles don't blow ass in front of each other, Duncan and Aaron. I'm sure they'd be okay with me sharing that. They don't. Yeah.

I don't want to out people, but Shauna and Jimmy are very close. My best friend since forever. They rip ass in front of each other. Yeah, good. They've been together forever too, like we have. Love, I see it. Real love. All the other couples that we're friends with.

It doesn't happen. It's disrespect. It doesn't happen. I don't believe that. Josh, do you fart in front of your lady? Oh, yeah. 100%. But if she does, I shame her hardcore because that's disgusting. That's so toxic. That's like that real end. Yeah. That's how you got to do it. Check this out, by the way. I'm so fascinated by this. Check this shit out. The original video of RPC is here, right? Black guys love to fuck and fuck good.

If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at $23.95. You can see where he's laying and all that stuff. The Christmas decorations. He just put up a new video. Look. I'm looking for guys who want to fuck me. He's ramped up. That's right. $23.95. Wagon House is probably $2.18. Mm-hmm.

He got so excited. He's stumbling over his words. Yeah, he's fired up again. Yeah. Back. That's what you want to do, man. He's back into it. Yeah, hell yeah. I'm looking at the guys that want to fuck, man.

So cool. He has never wavered from who he is. That's my favorite thing about RPC. And the real question is, has he ever found those guys who like to fucking fuck good? Do they ever come over? Has he ever had it happen? There's got to be someone. There's got to be one guy. Somebody. 2395 Wagner House is probably 22 to 18. It's been so many years. Somebody has to have taken up on this. This is over a decade of this. Yeah. And if you haven't, can somebody please take him up? I would be...

If it were me, I would be so sad if I had put out this ad. This campaign for years. For years. And you're like, who's come over? I'm like, no one's ever come over. That's insane. I'd be so sad too. Yeah, if you go to a bar and you just ask people out. I'd be so bummed. Eventually someone says yes, right? Like there's got to be some percentage of yes. But then again, you know, his criterion's a little specific. He does like black guys who like to fucking fuck good. You don't have to be able to fuck good. Just fuck. Just fuck. Are you out of jail?

He's just saying it's open to anything. To any black guy. So all it is is a black guy that likes to fuck. And Latinos. He says Latinos. Oh, and Latinos. So black and Latino. There's a lot of those in New York City. And he lives in a black and Latino neighborhood. Predominantly. Yeah. I mean, it's just. I went there. You know, I remember. I can't believe you went there. Yeah. We went there during the day. Yeah, of course you did. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we were like, uh. People were like, what are you guys making? We were like, we should fucking wrap this shit up. Wrap it up. Do you remember how you felt when you walked into his apartment for the first time? I didn't walk in. He didn't answer. Oh, that's right. Yeah. We rang the buzzer and he didn't answer. And then how did you get to talk to him eventually? He came and visited me. Oh, yeah. In my unit. In your room. Wow. We fucked and we just had a good time. Yeah.

He pity fucked you. Yeah, it was pretty great. You got your rugi and you almost swallowed it there. I didn't almost swallow it. You're really into these rugis. My rugis are awesome. You know what? You should sew a rugi pocket in your jackets from now on. That's how much you love those rugis. A dedicated rugi pocket. Yep, pretty cool. What flavor are you into right now? What are you doing? This is... Experiment stuff. Experiment. And you got your whole crew into them now. Yeah, everybody's on the rugis.

Everybody's into the roogies. I'm converting people, too. You are. I've also had people who are like, oh, I do another brand. And I'm like, try the roogies out. Rogue. Your rogy roogies. Yeah, my rogy roogies. Dang. So much better for you. It is so much better for you. I'm glad to see RPC's back at it. And he's so horny. Isn't there an age where this decreases? Like, do you think he's at that point where the testosterone? This is probably decreased for him.

It took him years to put up another one of these. We played the first video Josh wrote on the board here seven years ago. Seven years. That had some age on it already. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a decade of this. At least. Cole. Yeah. And he's still so horny. And he looks exactly the same. He looks great. Hell yeah. Officer Cumdump looks amazing. Officer Cumdump here. Yeah.

You never ages. RPC never ages. He just looks great. He's so horny. He's so fired up. Yeah, it's awesome. I wish I had an ounce of this fired up. Officer Cumdump's a total pig. Total pig. Yeah, total pig Officer Cumdump is. Officer Cumdump likes it wild, dirty, and filthy. That's right. Officer Cumdump will take it like a man. I will bend down and you can bang me as you can.

That's right. Officer, come dump here. That's right. Waiting for you hardcore guys to call me a call. You need reaction. You need things. Let me take off my glasses and let me see who I'm talking to. Take off his glasses. Yeah, that was cool. Oh, there he is. Looks great. Oh, wow. It's all... He's Silver Fox now. Yeah, it looks great on him. And look at all the hats in the background. King Donald Duck Orange Man Trump must be impeached now. He cut...

he cuts sec eight snap for people who can't survive on what they make and also school lunch and breakfast and food banks he wants the rich to live and poor to die vance and musk has to go as well i didn't realize he was so politically involved he is now wow is this old or recent recent yeah oh yeah all countries in middle east no gas or fuel or food products

or Produce for America and Trump Canada Turn Off Electric to America. Quite a dissertation. Wow, yeah, he's really fired up. And I didn't think that Officer Cumdump would be that into this. No, he usually keeps it just to the neighborhood. You know, he talks about his stuff at Coney Island. But I would think Officer Cumdump just talks about cum. Cum, yeah.

And fucking. But that's where you're wrong, Thomas. But I was talking about Palestine and the economy. He's multifaceted. And I think what you're seeing is he's developed as a talent. He's gone creatively into different areas. What do you think all those hats are? I like that necklace, Robert. No, it looks good on him. It looks good. Oh, wow. Wow. Jesus, look at that physique. He really does like black guys. Shit. Really? Really.

This is all right. He's a cat guy too. Look, just like me. Cats, him naked, black eyes. Hey, I like all the same things he likes, you know? Yeah, true.

Oh, George Foreman. George Foreman. Wow. Was that a rest in peace for George? Is that what that was? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's when he died. Yeah, it doesn't really fit the other looks. I'm sure he hooked up with George Foreman. He's hooked up with everybody. He knows everybody. Remember that? He likes Michael B. Jordan. That's a few times we've seen him posted.

Oh, look, a white guy. Uh-oh. That's wild. He likes them beefy. He likes beefy guys. Yeah. Oh, look at those two black guys. Oh, there he is with his face mask. That's what chicks do. They like to show themselves in face masks. They're like, oh, my God, I'm so ugly right now. Yeah. Stop. Oh, there he is. He's always rubbing his chest, rubbing his tits. Yeah. So fucking weird. With the face mask on. Also. Come on, man. A creamy olive oil. That's happening.

Hey, guys, man. You want to do my face, man? You want a creamy old man? Oh, that's what it is. He's showing you that you can cum on his face. That's what he's using that for. That's awesome. Can I ask you, though? When you're aroused, are you rubbing your chest like that? No, I don't usually do that. It's like a girl thing. Yeah. Rubbing your tits and everything? No. I'm not like... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, there you go. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, look at that black guy in a sweater. You like black guys in sweaters? Ooh, there's a cop hat on that guy. That's pretty cool. Those are some beefy nipples he's got too. Yeah. Fuck, dude. This is a hardcore feat. Every cat deserves a home. Yeah. But not every home deserves a cat. True. And he likes orange cats too, just like me. Yeah. Dude. Wow. A lot of similarities. A lot of similarities. I get him. I get him.

Damn, that's an aggressive photo. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's a big tit. Yeah, that is a big old tit. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Well, he's definitely got a type. He never swayed from that either. Nope, he's consistent. If nothing but consistent. Yeah. Happy spring. Happy spring. Here's some cats. You want to fuck? See, that's the thing is the...

the um what's the word just the spread of interest like it's happy spring and then hardcore black guys and cats human beings are complicated we're not all just one thing it's true i don't want to paint him with one brush again same guys it's the same guy oh even nine lives weren't enough with you oh i agree especially orange boys they're so special i know i love the orange another george foreman

And like, who is he taking? Are these stock photos or are these people? I don't think he knows them. He's just Googling hot black guys and then putting them up on his Instagram. Yeah. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, and then there's Snoopy. I just wish one of these guys would go over there once. I know. Have you had sex with Robert Paul Champagne? Let us know. There's got to be somebody out there. Oh my God. I thought you were asking me. I would like to ask you. Um,

Yeah, if you have, that'd be awesome if you reached out to us and let us know. Please. Somebody fuck him. I have to pee really bad. Okay. I drink a lot of water. All right, go for it. And I asked, what is this? What is what? It's a camera. I pissed, but I didn't piss water out of my butt at the same time. Hey, that's why your butt's ready for that ding dong.

Yeah. By the way, we saw the Minecraft movie. Yeah, it was so cute. A year ago, we visited the set. I took our oldest, Ellis, to visit the set and it was awesome. And then we got to actually see the movie, which was great. It was a great movie. It was such a good movie. Super entertaining. They really served the children who play this game. Oh, yeah. And then the odd adult that was in the theater where you're like, I shouldn't be in here without a kid. The solo adult. The underworld is real.

The Ederman. The Ederman. Jason Momoa was amazing. It's not netherite. You wouldn't be able to tell. Momoa was hilarious. He was so funny. And Jack Black, fantastic job. It was a really good movie. They did such a good job. They really did. Yeah, it was really fun. The boys loved it. We loved it. Look at him. I love the outfits they put on these people. Jason has, I love his

pink jacket. He had an awesome. So funny. I didn't know he could do comedy. Oh, he was great. He's got good timing. He's got great chops, man. Yeah. It was a really good movie. He played such a dummy. That guy was just a big dummy. Yeah. And it was really funny. Really funny. Yeah. Take your kids to see this. I think if they're into the Minecraft. I wore that wig. I have a photo of me in that wig. It's a really good wig. It looks like it could be his hair. Yeah. It's rad. He's how big is he in real life? He's big as fuck. He's so big.

He's like 6'4", 235, and he's like... Jesus. Yeah, he's a house man. When you're around him, you're like, oh man, this guy's...

Most actors, too, are tiny when you meet them. This dude's, yeah, he's huge. Did he start as an athlete before he was an actor? I mean, he got discovered pretty young because he was on one of the iterations of Baywatch. Shut up. Really? Yeah, he's just this Hawaiian kid. And, yeah, he started. Look at his dreads. 19, living in Honolulu. Yeah, so...

Yeah, he was always pretty active, though. He loves mountain climbing, rock climbing and stuff. He's really good at it. So he was always active with that. And he was in Game of Thrones. He was banging the Khaleesi. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what propelled him into, I think, Baywatch is like a step into the world of acting, but that's what made him really well known. I mean, nobody's built like that guy. No. Holy mackerel. No, he's half German, half Hawaiian.

Oh, look at him as a baby. Genetics are pretty nutty. Yeah. Yeah. That's wild, dude. Yeah. What a career. What a life. What a fun movie, though. He did such a great job. Great job. Yeah. That was rad. Yeah.

What was I going to? There was a, so I took the boys to see Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, the musical here. And there was like adults watching it alone without kids, which is so weird. And then when we did the Paddington. That's even weirder. It gets even weirder. When we were in London, I took them to the Paddington Bear Experience. Yeah.

there were grownups there too without kids. I'm like, what? But then I realized they weren't just any grownups. They were low IQ adults. Okay. No, it's true. Okay. They were low IQ. I'm not saying they were retarded. I'm saying that they were on the cusp, on the border. Like there was just above the line. Uh huh. And like, cause there's, there was this one part of the Paddington bear experience where

Where you go into the kitchen, there's like, you know, the family kitchen and like the one adult that was alone, this guy, this low IQ adult, he was like picking up the fake phone. Yeah, it was in that room. There's like a fake phone and he was like, like really laughing and pretending and like putting together the screws. Yeah, that's definitely low IQ. That's not necessarily our word, but low IQ. And I'm noticing that more now as an adult. Do you think there's low IQ adults that are

It's very good, by the way. Lower IQ than an actual person with like Downs. I think so. I think so. Because no, there are exceptionally bright people who just have Downs. Exactly. They're actually bright. Exactly. And like they can do- Somebody just graduated law school. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. With Downs? Yes. Which law school? I don't know. Like something online? Hey, stop. It's pretty cool that they did it. No, it's amazing. I didn't graduate from law school. Okay. Okay.

So then to be diagnosed as having mental retardation, a person must have an IQ below 70 to 75. That's what I'm saying. No, I know. So like a low IQ adult, what would a low IQ adult be? Well, you got it right there. But not necessarily Downs because this guy at Paddington Bear averages about 50. Right. But some people are well above that with Downs. So wait a minute. Genius Downs people? Well, yeah, they're exceptional. That's rad. Yeah.

I bet my IQ is an exceptional Downs person. Look, scores of 120 have been found in some people with syndrome. That's my point, that there's exceptional people that fall into that category. That's amazing. Look at this person that just, honestly, that just graduated law school. There's somebody with Downs who just graduated law school. That is, I did not know that. Yeah. I'm a low IQ adult. Dang. Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. She's a...

Now the question is, do you want her to represent you? Well, I mean, I'm sure she's going to be hired by a practice that puts her in a position where they can utilize some skill set of hers. They're not just going to be like, hey, you run the firm. Maybe she represents other people with Down syndrome. She says she wants to practice the disability law. Oh, that's good. That lady's not wearing the right bra. I'll tell you this right now, 100% for sure, she's smarter than me. I couldn't do this.

I dropped out of law school after two weeks. It was too hard. Yeah. And if she went to the same, if she's learning the same law I did. If you were going to hire one of the three of us as a lawyer. She's the one. She's the one. I didn't pass the bar. That's pretty, pretty incredible. That's amazing. Yeah.

You know, now that I don't, I have breast cancer, I always look at other people's tits a lot even more now. Yeah. Like you see that woman behind her? She needs the right bra. That's not supportive at all. That's great. That tit looks terrible. That tit doesn't look right. She needs to put, right, Neonna? Neonna knows what I'm talking about. It's too droopy. Droopy tits. No. I gotta help you. Well, we got the biggest story that's come out of this show in the last couple months. Speaking of low IQ. Woo!

This is pretty crazy. Is it, though? I feel like we saw this coming. Well, I thought we were going as deep as it could go last week with our update with him, which was all this chaos. But, of course, it's hit new levels. On my way to the hospital to get checked out just to make sure everything's okay. You know, smart thing to do. I'm standing, I'm walking, and everything's going good. These guys are taking real good care of me. I'm in the ambulance now and everything.

you know just making sure everything's okay and hopefully hopefully everything uh will be okay and we'll just stand in and walk and just fine um just uh making sure everything's okay we got it he got into a brawl with those two guys the landlords my uh my foot was cut too and guys can check it out i'm just getting everything checked out you know just so my foot don't get infected

You know, just making sure everything's okay. It's standard walking, just fine. Hopefully everything will be okay. Tony Michael Jones here, ladies and gentlemen, worker. Worker. Is he in an ambulance? Why is he strapped in? For safety. Craziness. It is what it is, you know. So, on my way to hospital. So, Scott and James attacked him, he said. Those are the guys that were changing the locks. So, now, his mission last night,

as of this recording was to get back into his place, but they changed the locks on him. Right. We saw that last week. We saw that. So here's how he has a mission going. Okay.

So it's pretty crazy. The cop on Sunday morning told me that if I wanted to, you know, and I need to get in the building and the owner, you know, cannot give me keys and the landlord cannot give me keys, that I can, you know, break into the building. Yeah, you know, I got to get into my building. You know, I got a candle burning. I got to do what I got to do. A candle burner? He's got a candle burning in his place, so. Oh.

So what he's doing is he's got a sledgehammer. There's a door. Nobody's letting me in. There's a sledge off to the side. I'm going to now be entering the building. I'm not a violent dude. I just have to get my items. It's a bad charge. So I blew out the candle. Yes, candle was burning. Worker. Worker. Worker's man, you know.

It's just how it goes, man. I understand what he's dealing with there. Breaking in with a sledgehammer. Not a good one. So then he goes out. He went out after that. He's at a sports bar. Tony, you're getting arrested? Dude, that's fucked up. Damn, Tony. Dude, that's fucked up. Yo, free Tony, man. Free Tony, man.

Yo, you still owe me an autograph, man. Yeah, dog. Yeah. What the hell? We're out there. Oh shit. You got me. Damn, bro. Oh, good luck, bro. This guy. Yo, officers have a good one. Damn, bro. Okay. I love that he recognized him. Of course. Tony is now a huge celebrity. So he got, he went to jail. Yeah. And then about an hour later,

Yeah. Yeah.

He wouldn't let me in. He wouldn't give me any keys. So I got arrested an hour ago, and I'm back in the bar. I'm a free man. I'm walking, baby. We're out here in New York, baby. Bell Reform. Back on the streets an hour later. Here we go, watching the game. Florida. Florida, baby. Come on. Let's go. Workers.

Worker. Yeah. There's the same guy. Oh, there's a dude. There's a fan, yeah. That was awesome that he met him later. He got to see the end of the game, which is really important. That's all important. It was a great game. An hour later, he's out. I mean, here's the deal, too. He's like, he's just like, what? They just won't let me in, dude. Like, they took away my keys. Like, there's no other side to that story. You think he could be a lawyer? You think he could? No. You're right. Between the Downs lawyer and Tony Johns, I rest my case. Your honor. Yeah. Yeah.

I love that it's full circle with the fan. Yeah. That he's drinking with that guy, dude. Yeah. That guy's going to get his autograph now. Super important. Good for Tony. Look, I'm glad he got out at an hour. We were worried that it was going to escalate to him ending up in jail and I don't want him to go to prison. This is, this is, I know. I knew this jail was in the prospects. Yeah. Um,

What Scott and James, the landlords, need to do, they need to hire full-time security. You need a security guard for your Saskatoon business? We can have a security guard available 24-7. We can supply a security guard for your locked compound 24 hours a day, for your construction project, or if you want your business watched overnight. We can do short-term security or long-term security. Send me a message and let's get you a security guard. Let's get you a security guard. I mean, when I think of a secure...

Yeah. I see this guy. I'm like, fucking hire him. Tough guy. Tough. He's cracking skulls. Experienced. Excuse me. You can't come in here. Why not? Keep your. The private property. Hands clasped. Looking for a security guard to protect your compound or something. Give me a call. Send me a DM. Get out of here.

You get out of here. Do you not see my badge? He's so cute. Yeah, not very intimidating. Excellent, excellent. Not very intimidating. See, if I were him, I would have outsourced the commercial. You know who you hire? A guy that looks like Jason Momoa. Yeah, exactly. And you're like, what the fuck, dude? And then you at least think that that's who you're hiring. Yeah. Yeah, this guy needs to hire an actor. That's what actors are for, guys. Come on.

um okay come on i got some funny stuff to show you oh i love it yeah here we go let's go oh my god oh what the dude he was i think he was aimed he was trying to do the shoulder and he actually hit him here which means he he knocked him out can i can i tell you something i can see our sons doing dumb like this in 10 years yeah of course this is what dumb boy this is what boys do

He completely missed the shoulder. What do you think? He's trying to read. Oh, my God. And he hits him in the neck and he knocks him out. No. Oh. Yeah. Side of the face, neck. Wow. That guy's dead, right? Yeah. I'm conscious. That guy lost his brain.

That was pretty horrible guys. Thanks for sharing. This is going to go well. They never know when to let go. Never. Oh, dude, I knew that was coming. You let go on the way out. You're stupid. You get the feeling. You have to feel that, dude. He does. He's got no rhythm.

You gotta feel that. Fuck. Let's watch it again. What country is this? That hurts so fucking much. You fucked up, homie. This looks like Europe somewhere. He's drunk. Of course it's Europe. It's Eastern Europe. Yeah. If I'm betting. This is my tribe. Yeah, it's Croatia, of course. Like, oh, right there. Oh, now, now. And he's drunk, yeah. Holy shit.

Fuck, man. Ribs, back. So lucky it wasn't head. But he's drunk, so he's relaxed. Yeah, he's fine. He might be okay. I could see them doing this in Hungary, too. Yeah, of course. Like at the bulletin, they just put like a fucking, what is that? A crane? He's being a cunt to the horse. Oh!

I hate horses. This is why I hate them. This is exactly why I hate horses. That was direct to the dome, too. Yeah, dude. Fuck horses. She could be a low IQ individual now. For sure, dude. For sure. She's passing the bar exam right now. That was fucking right from the dome, dude. Fuck this horse. Can I tell you something? Normally, I defend...

the animal but in this case I bet you that horse is a real fucking she said it yeah she's like you're a fucking horse cause horse girls are super nice horse girls are all about that life they love animals so for this woman to be like fuck you horse this horse sucks dude this horse does suck and the horse lets you know that you suck too mhm dude fuck you overshot it

That was a human cannonball thing. Like, this is also definitely not in the States. There's no way. I think it is. I'm going to go for like South. Yeah, dude. Because look at the backpack. That's like a military American backpack. Where is it? All new burger. No, this is America. This could be the South. This is like fucking. Oh, yeah. Riverside. Oh, Riverside, California. Yeah. He shattered his ribs and has a lacerated liver. Of course.

That's Riverside. And boom. I'm sure he has health insurance. I'm sure they give it to him. How much do you think you get paid to shoot yourself out of a cannon at the Riverside County Fair? 16 bucks. Yeah. You do it for love of the game. Yeah, for sure. That's passion there. That's love. This guy's fucking paralyzed. I wanted to bring up about something that I am always amazed by Pajiski effects. Oh, yeah. When we were together in London and we...

We went out, we were in a store somewhere. Yeah. It blew your mind. I didn't know that was real at the time, that there's something called a spring jacket. Mm-hmm.

I had no idea that there was an item called a spring jacket, meaning an item like a jacket you would just wear in the springtime. Because to me, that seems so wasteful. Like, why would I buy a jacket just for spring? I didn't even know people did that. Well, haven't you ever heard like the expression of light jacket? But that's what I thought it was. So I thought there was a light jacket and then like a winter coat.

Well, there are. But then a spring jacket. Are there summer jackets? Yeah. I know there's a winter coat. No, there's summer jackets. And I'm learning that for the first time too. Yeah. There's a summer jacket. Summer jackets usually just, you know, they have less lining. They breathe easier. Yeah. Did not know this, that there was a spring jacket. Never in my wildest. Never thought that there were jackets for different seasons? Only a winter coat. That's it? There's only winter coats? Because that makes sense to me. You should get a winter coat.

A spring jacket. Can I tell you honestly, a spring jacket sounds superfluous. It sounds unnecessary. Like why can't you just put on a sweater? It's like a waste of money to buy a spring jacket. Got it. So when the guy told me this is a spring jacket. I saw your brain just short circuit. I watched it and you were like, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, what, what? And he was like, it's for spring. I had no idea that. But to be fair, I think Nayana, didn't you not know that too? Or was it Heather? I had no idea. See? Yeah.

I didn't really know either. I just kind of go, it's a jacket or it's a coat. Right. That's all you need to know. That's a rich person, like a real bougie thing. Fancy people stuff. Yes. I'd never heard of it because we never had this growing up. No way. A spring jacket. No, it's too bougie for me. Okay. Now I'm all about it though. I understand. Gotcha.

You knew this the whole time? Of course. Why didn't you fucking tell me, dude? I didn't think I had to. Why don't you tell me? We're married for 20 years. You never tell me. I didn't think I had to. It took you about 15 years to tell me it's not a sun visor. It's just a visor. I mean, it never came up. Honestly, if it had come up earlier, I would have, yeah. The other day you let me walk around with food in my teeth. I was smiling like a donkey with lettuce in my teeth. You need to look out for me, dude. I look out for you. What are you talking about? None on these things.

And the spring jacket thing never came up. I was never, I've never had an instance where I could have been like, Oh, you know, it's a spring. Do you know, you got to educate me on like civilized people. You know, I don't know these things. Okay. All right. By the way, I'm just seeing, I told you this, but I thought this was funny to share. I'm relearning Hungarian. Yeah.

Yeah, because I don't know, dude. I just think it's whatever. It's time. Because I spoke Hungarian before I spoke English and then I lost it because my parents, once we came to America, were like, oh, no, no, we're American. You don't fuck this language. You don't speak this anymore. So I'm relearning it.

And it's fascinating because apparently all the things I thought were just exclusive to my family being an asshole, like I thought we were just assholes, it's cultural. Yeah, they're like, you are assholes. We're all assholes. And that's what I'm learning from my Hungarian tutor. She's like, oh no, that's just, you're just being Hungarian. And I was like, that fucking blew my mind. Give me an example. Okay, so first of all,

So I asked, we're learning basic things like how do you ask for a coffee. I would like a coffee. And I go, well, what if I went to like a Starbucks and they say like, may I please have a coffee? And she's like, no, you don't say please.

I'm like, what? There's no need to say please. It's overly polite. Why would you say please? They don't say please when you're ordering from another human being. Even little things like, hand me that book. I was like, can you say please?

please like if I said it to my husband sweetie please have me she's like that's too much you don't need to say please just say hand me the fucking book yeah that's cool right and she said that like all the cursing is normal culture standard issue and um

All the stuff that, yes, they curse like sailors. Everything is fuck, buzz, Meg, this, fuck that. Your mother's this, you know. And that's like so normal. And we say it in, you know, tutoring. And also, too. You say it in the tutoring sessions? Yes, because it's totally cultural. Okay. And even like, it's so fucked up because like these phrases I would hear all the time as a kid. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, "Odi dad, shirt." Like, "Hand me a beer." Like, my dad would tell me that all the time. Like, "Go get me a beer. Go get me a beer." Like, I knew that right away.

Get me a beer. Yeah. He didn't say please, did he? No, please. No, just fucking do this. Do it. So culturally we're dicks. It's very, but it's actually very liberating because I'm like, I just thought I was kind of an asshole. Yeah. Like, why am I so rude? And because you've told me before, you're like, hey, dude, you need to camouflage your face. People can tell if you don't like them. Can you, you know, do you remember you've told me that? See, looking out for you. You're looking out for me. Thank you.

But I didn't realize it's just, she's like, yeah, you're Eastern European. That's what they are. And I'm like, oh, it's such a relief. Smile, smile like a donkey. You do not smile. And you don't laugh or smile unless there's like a real reason. And you're not friendly to people in public. Like if someone just starts talking to you, they're like, what the fuck? Well, do you remember that there was like that clip? I think you shared it with me where it was a guy on the streets in Moscow. And he was like, would you like to be happy to like all these different Russians? They were like, no.

Fuck off. Get out of my face. Do you want happiness? And they're like, get out of here. Get out of here. No. Everybody said no. No. Yeah. We're very friendly people. The Americans, the English, Western Europe is way friendly. Not all of them. The French are really shit. They're kind of cunts. Yeah. Germans are kind of abrupt too. But Eastern European, a hundred percent. Like you're encouraged to kind of be a dick. Yeah.

And I asked her too, I was like, is that because of communism? Like, did the Russians crush our joy? Like prior to that, were we like nice? She's like, no, it's Estonia, Europe. And it's just with these. Just how it is. There's no please. You don't say please. Our youngest asked me yesterday or the day before.

He goes, you've been doing Italian now for a while. Do you speak Italian? I was like, I mean, better than I used to. He's like, but you don't. You're not like perfect. I don't know. Stupid. He was like, why do you keep doing it? I'm like, because I like it. I like trying to learn. He said that to you? Yeah. He's like, you keep doing this Italian. I was like, yeah, I'm trying, man. Such a little dick, I say. Oh, shit.

So I guess Zolo told me, I guess we played this guy a few years ago and there's an update. So you're going to kind of recognize maybe the old image of him that's in this clip and then...

There's nothing better than jail videos, right? So here's what's going on. My name is Jason Vukovich. And for those of you that are new to this channel or don't know me, I was sentenced to 23 years in prison for tracking down and assaulting men that had crimes against children. And since that day, I've been known as the Alaskan Avenger. And now my life has been given purpose by uplifting young ones and helping families whose children have been assaulted. So he would put it upon himself to...

To learn of somebody who had committed a crime against a child and then going and assaulting that person. Great. What state did he get convicted in? I guess Alaska. Oh, come to Texas, son. We'll give you a medal of honor. You're in the wrong state, my man. I've got to tell you, it feels pretty good to get up in the morning and not be in prison anymore. Now, when me and the boys were doing time, we used to think to ourselves, man, it would be dope if Alaska did conjugal visits, wouldn't it? I'd have my girl come right now.

But there's a lot of dudes you do time with that shouldn't be around any girl at all. Much less an older woman. And then... hmm... Wait a minute, what? Now let me break this down for you. I think I'm gonna need to put on my shades. Now God bless this sweet woman, but this is David Brinson who was doing multiple life sentences with no chance of parole plus 20 years because he's a mass murderer. And when you live like this for the rest of your life, let me tell you what you tell a woman that's giving you some attention.

Anything you can to get her to come in for the conjugal visit. And from the heart, God bless this sweet woman who has now passed away, but check it out. Ladies, don't go do conjugal visits with mass murderers inside penitentiaries, because you know why?

Shit.

Attaboy. Yeah, pretty cool. I'm a huge fan. Yeah, he's cool. I like him. Yeah, I like him too. Yeah, he's in the wrong state. Yeah, well, he's free. He's doing his thing. Yeah, move to Texas. You can do your thing here. Oh, shit. Is this 618 in the morning? It's Monday morning. I got to go to work. Oh, my God. Is it Monday morning already? We're going to do this again? And this might seem basic to you, but if you're out there, even if you got one of these, mm,

Always brush your teeth. This is good advice. Makes you look good. I'd hire him. Yeah, seriously. Help you out in job interviews. Now, even though I'm just a tatted up middle-aged guy, I do care about style. So which one do you think goes better with sawdust? This one or this one? Yeah, you're totally right. I'm going to go with this one. Now, tell the truth. Is it weird that I vacuum my room before I go to work? I like it clean when I come home.

That's some real jailhouse shit, I think. It is. But it taught him discipline. It looks like he likes that regimented life. I hope he's successful. I mean, he's got a nice place. He takes good care of it. He takes care of himself. I'm glad somebody hired him. It's somebody who obviously knows his story. Hell yeah. Yeah, that's not that bad. Hell yeah. He fucked up child. That's cool. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, we like this guy. Didn't we try to add money to his commissary and everything? Yeah, back in like 2020 when he first got arrested, we found out about him and tried to send him money.

And he got sentenced to 28 years. I think he only did like six. Good. Yeah, it was cool. He was going around with a hammer and beating these guys up with it. Yeah, really fucking him up bad. Oh, wow. I love it. Oh, that's another story like this. Cain Velasquez, the former UFC heavyweight champ, he attacked and assaulted a guy who had, I believe, done something to his niece. What?

But he's now only going to serve, he got sentenced to four years and I think he's two years in. So he's going to get out in like two years. Great. Yeah. I think you should be absolved. And most people were just like, why are we? Why are you even convicting that? I mean. Yeah.

That's the last guy you'd want to show up. Of course. There should be open season on these predators. I agree. Open season. For children? Absolutely. You should be allowed to. You should be allowed to. Absolutely. No fucking way. I mean, look, what's more precious than a baby, man? My name is Phil and I like to dress as a baby.

Sweet little boy. Sadly. Why? You should be. Well, now we know. Well, you are. Yeah.

It takes away all the stress of being an adult. I don't have to worry about bills and things like that. I just have to worry about things that children worry about. He looks like he's a blue-collar guy. I think they're going to be real cool at the... The construction site? At the work site, yeah. I cut our books. I watch kids' films, play with children's toys. So usually I'd make something fresh like a blended bacon sandwich. But it's hard when it's like this. So I'm just doing this for now. Oh.

I actually enjoy running around after Phil. We've never had kids of our own, and we don't plan to. So it's kind of like being a parent, but without the pain of giving birth. They seem like a perfect match. She's having fun doing it too. Would you like to do this with me? You can change my di-di and give me a bath and feed me my food. I want pussy. I want pussy.

I've touched my pee-pee. So many feelings. Oh, shit. That stops. That's what she does, right? After he pees? It's hard now. Yeah. Wah. That's the part that's fucked up is that they fuck after this, right? For sure. Ugh. I don't like this. You know what? Then he comes and he goes, wah. I don't like it. Also, I don't like that everybody...

has to be out with their sexual proclivities. I think having some shame and keeping it hidden is totally fine. Totally fine. Just not letting it out? Why does everyone have to be out with everything? There's some things that are shameful, society frowns upon. Keep that shit hidden, dude. Keep that shit hidden.

Why does he have to be out? Why do I have to know what makes his dick hard in his diaper? I don't want to know. He made a TV show about it. Oh, my God. He was keeping it a secret. I don't know if they're going to accept me. Here's a fucking camera crew in my house. Oh, God. It's crazy. Yeah, he did that in front of cameras. Yeah. They're all going to know now. Every time I watch one of these shows, I'm like, I just don't want anyone to find out. You're on television. I know. It's like Meghan Markle. Oh, I don't want everybody following us. No.

And then she makes Netflix shows. It's insane. It is insane. Totally insane. God, if I were into anything like this, I would keep it such a secret. Mm-hmm. God, I'm ashamed of the normal stuff you and I do. You know what I mean? You are? Well, I mean, I don't share everything we do with people. It's weird. That's so gross.

And also... Where's my passie? I'm glad these fools don't have kids. But once you do have kids, you're going to get sick of watching those movies right quick. You're going to get sick of cleaning up. No, they wouldn't be doing this. You wouldn't be doing that. Well, actually, they wouldn't be able to. No, you can't do shit with those kids. You want to see something cool? Always. A little protest. He's dead. Uh-uh. Yeah. Just from that? Well, that high-powered water hose...

Hit him in such a way that his head hit that concrete. Yeah. What country is that? I don't know. I don't think that's America. Let me see. Where is that? It's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. It's in Turkey. Oh. Water cannon. He died. Oh, no. They're in such turmoil right now. Those poor Turkish folks. This is why they shouldn't let people protest. I think you should. Dude, look how hard this is.

He's like, yeah, hit me with that water. Boom. Oh, these poor people. Those things rockets at you, you know. I was in the Central Plaza in Madrid when they won the European Cup. This is in 2001.

and everybody was in this plaza and they sent out the riot cops with the water cannons and the pellet bags like shotguns that shoot man i got out of that shit so i was hauling but i was watching people get sprayed down with them get the fuck out there you see the cops coming leave dude yeah leave yeah why are you gonna hang out for this shit no run pretty crazy run fool

No way. These Turkish police, you think they give a fuck? Yeah. They don't give a fuck. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Turkish prison. Turkish prison. If you don't know, I put some fall dates on sale. The summer will be down for me, but there's a bunch of new cities for the fall. They're at TomSaguro.com slash tour. I'm hitting a whole bunch of different cities in, let's see, where are we going?

Are you going to Anchorage? Yeah, I am going to Anchorage. That's coming up soon. But in the fall, yeah, I have Akron, Daytona, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Long Island, Hanover, Gary, Indiana, West Lafayette, Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, Long Beach, Friant, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville. I've never heard of that. Friant, California.

Birmingham and Columbia. Polkland, California. Bill, Aloe Snatcha. I'm very excited. Oh my God, this is the thing I wanted to bring about. So just over the last week, I did a couple shows. I did Oklahoma City and Houston. When I got to Oklahoma City, this was on the wall. A photo that just says, you get the glove. And then they had like 25 gloves hanging from the wall. And then they made an entire display

Like, look at that wall. That's one of the walls. Then they had this entire display of a movie poster, a movie poster called Glove Actually. And it's Jennifer Aniston and me. And it had movie reviews and the log line of what the movie was. What does it say here? A movie so unexpected, even Jennifer Aniston probably didn't know she was in it.

Glove actually is absurdly bad. It feels less like a movie and more like an elaborate prank. Tom Segera is playing on the entire audience. But if you go to the, I don't know if you can see on the other side there, or it might be in the video, it has the log line of the movie. They wrote out the entire log line of the film. This is crazy. Where it tells you what the film is about, and it has a one-star review of

And 1% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's awesome. But Vince the Glove DiLorenzo is a used car salesman in Oklahoma City who thinks his lucky red sports glove is the key to closing every deal.

When Jennifer Aniston walks in looking for a fancy car, Vince goes all in using his glove to seal the deal. But when he takes things too far, like offering her an ice cream sundae to sweeten the deal, the situation spirals out of control. In the end, Vince discovers that the real magic isn't in the glove. It's an honesty connection and maybe a little over-the-top salesmanship. One out of ten on IMDb, one percent on Rotten Tomatoes. The comedy-drama hybrid of the year.

It's beautiful. Well, whoever did this in Oklahoma City, I just want to be clear when I tell you this, you get the glove. So elaborate. They painted that on. Yeah. I mean, that's not just a poster, you guys. That's painted on the bricks backstage. It's amazing. They did an incredible job. So funny. Aniston, I'm sure, is going to have the same reaction as us. She's going to love it.

But yeah, thank you so much for doing that. That OKC crowd, I have to just say, was fucking unbelievable. You said that. You had so much fun. You just never know. You never know. And they were unbelievable. One of the best shows of the whole tour. That's awesome, James. All right, that's it. We got to run. Oh, what's everybody? What's everybody? Love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. You get the glove. See you next week. Bye.

We want to talk about how to retain skilled labor.

Why isn't the infrastructure minister talking about how to implement infrastructure funds and get construction workers back to work in Alberta? Why does this government treat Alberta like a fart in the room that nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge? S-A-R-T. Laughing at me. Farts. A-R-T. And they're like S-A-R-T. Laughing at me. Farts. A-R-T. We watch with heart. Farts. We watch with heart.

Oh, and by the way, constituents...