White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809
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Get ready, Moline, Illinois. I'll be at the Vibrant Arena this Thursday, May 8th, during my Come Together tour. And due to demand, I've also recently added a second show in Akron, Ohio, on Sunday, September 7th, at Akron Civic Theater. Get tickets now at tomscora.com slash tour. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Swing the wheel, it's gone! Swing the wheel!

Wow. Isn't that something, man? DJ Suede, the remix guy, he's always just putting out bangers. But that one's from a couple years ago. And I've been listening to it on repeat in my car. I like when she goes...

That girl, I tell you, she really, if anything, she's got chutzpah. I don't know if you remember the Good Morning America performance where she did cartwheel after cartwheel after cartwheel. Can you find that real quick, Josh? It was so alarming that it has made a repass on the meme circuit. Yeah, yeah. Because this happened, what, a decade ago. And look, here it is. I mean, again, she goes in for seconds.

the uh the if you don't remember she did the national anthem oh boy and some of the players were laughing during her national anthem that's cool so and then like her i think it's her husband at the time or her boyfriend yeah like if you you see them breaking during the national anthem that's got 29 million people hold on and it's like the military people are

No, no. The players. Because if you watch that, if you can hit it. So she's doing it. Like there's guys, you know, the players all just kind of like, usually you stand there, kind of look down and, and you can start to see their faces. So they're like looking around. Like, they're like, huh, that's interesting. And then I think you see Draymond Green look down and smile because he's laughing at the performance. Um,

That's got to be rough. Yeah. And it's the national anthem. It's hard to... He's got a little smirk on his face. LeBron. Yeah, LeBron knows. He's like, hmm. Curry's reaction is one of the funniest on this show. Yeah. There's Draymond. Hold on. He's about to break. He's like...

um so she got clowned right really hard my palms are sweating for yeah i'm so embarrassed but then who's her who is she married to or is she married to orlando bloom no that's not that's katie perry oh sorry that's a different town yeah that hip josh josh do do mel do mel yeah do chameleon so he at the time was with her i guess it looks like they're not married anymore um

And when people were clowning it, he got fucking pissed, right? Sure. As her husband. Yeah. At the players. Like, he was just like, fuck you, man, to some of these guys. Like, you guys are dickheads. And then this remix came out, okay? Because when was that? It's 18, yeah. They split in 19. So the remix came out. Yeah. And then the players...

The players were listening to it, listening to that mix in the locker room. Oh, shit. Post-game. Oh, Jesus.

That's amazing. Oh, shit. It's amazing. Oh, it's so fun. And this is how... That's how, by the way, that's how you win...

any like battle like that is like just having a laugh. So they didn't say shit back to him. They're just danced. They're like, Hey, we didn't make this song. Have you ever seen? And by the way, there's, there's a couple of things that stick out in my memory in life that I play on repeat. Yeah.

It's Kim Cattrall. We've played it on this show before. And her, she goes, my husband and I like to play the bass and I scat along. Oh my God. And it's, it's her, oh my God. Please. This is. Plays the upright bass. Oh, he.

This is what they do when they're free. Here's what I really take from this, though. Do whatever you want. You don't have to share it. No. Keep your hobbies quiet. That's what you, like, you should keep this as private as your sex life. Yeah. This could just be between you guys. Scatting pot of beret. You know what else I do? I piss in his mouth and he gargles with it. Like, yeah, we don't need to see it.

Zabba dabba deeba pot of beret. I can't take, it's the pot of beret that sticks in my mind. What did those comments say about this? You don't want to read. I'm sure she's lovely and I think she's nice and stuff. I just pray that the he dogs are okay. I come back to this every few years just to remind myself. Yes! I'm sorry.

I'm sweating just watching it. Yeah, see, this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film. Exactly. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. Pot of beret. Okay. That probably happened at the height of her fame. Yes. Where you're like, oh, everything that I do is pretty cool. Yes. Because I'm famous. That and then some magazine or somebody wants to do a piece on you. I am responsible for at least 100,000 of these views. That's what I feel.

But then they go, why don't we come to your house and film you and your husband? And that's when we go, no. Why don't you do that? You know how you were saying how he plays the upright bass and you scat along? We kind of want to film that. No. Oh, yeah. The answer is no. That video and then that and Jessica Simpson singing along with Jewel. Please find this. What's that? Have you seen this? I don't know.

You think Fergie was off? Wait until you see this one. This one sticks in my brain, too. And this happened about a decade ago as well. But when I think I've embarrassed myself, there's always this. And that's Jewel. That's her style. Where the homeless have their home.

Because here's the deal. Here's the deal. I'm not shedding on them. I can see myself doing it. Can you see yourself? I see myself being like, I could sing with Jewel. Let me try singing with Jewel. And then you slip into her style, even though it's not your style. And then you're trying. Fuck, I'm sweating. Yeah, it's tough. Christina, you want to sing the national anthem? No.

Let's play basketball. Pot of beret. That's the one that gets me in my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night going, pot of beret. You ready? I'm ready. Here's your opening clip. Oh, we didn't even do that? Nope. Shit. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I

I know you, that's the part you like the best. Well, she reacted like,

three seconds late to being flipped over. Like, he flipped her over. I've got real fucking mental problems. She's like, this actually hurts. You flipped me over on a bed. Okay. You know what bothers me the most is the overhead lighting is on and you know how much. Oh, yeah. Well, the room's a mess, too. I mean, everything. You think it's funny, too. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Oh, fuck. Your phone was already off. That is delayed. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, she should have made noise a few seconds earlier. Way quicker, yeah. But first of all, in her defense, men can't find shit. That's true. Ever. And she's probably like, dude, come on. How am I going to do this? I'm laying down. You're bothering me. Just like last night, I was comfortable. I had the cat on my lap. I had my heating pad on. I can't find the remote. And where was it?

It was on my side. But you could have looked. I told you to look there. Okay. All right. Okay. It's true. It's true. So we have like kind of breaking news. I don't know if people know this. We kind of got to. Well. There's so much. Yeah, there's so much. First, I should just remind people that Bad Thoughts comes out on Netflix next week.

Tuesday, the 13th. You can set your reminders now. You can actually turn on the reminder if you go through it. It's already on the platform. Please check it out. Very, very exciting. Okay, that being said... This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. About a week ago...

Tony John should have been in Las Vegas shooting his first adult scene with the great Alexis Fox. That did not happen. And it's very, very disappointing because Tony John is back in jail. Well, hold on, but back it up. We told him, like, all he has to do... All you gotta do is stay out of trouble. Just stay out of jail. He was like, I got you, I got you. You know, I said, are you gonna do...

that can you stay out of trouble and he was like you know like dead ass though i can and um dead ass then i got the update guess what did not not only did not stay out of trouble is in all kinds of trouble he's he's in jail man well is it land i don't know what it's related to this as far as i know isn't it related to like a family dispute now no yep yeah he went and like fought his uncle or something what's what's the origin of that fight

Um, I think, you know, they've had like an ongoing beef for a while and there was like a restraining order. And I guess I remember that he like challenged him to a fight and Tony showed up with like boxing gloves and that's kind of all we really know. And then he was in jail after that. He showed up with boxing gloves. Yeah. I think he was like documenting it along the way. Like I got my boxing gloves going over to meet him. Don't show up to your uncle too. Yeah. No, he can't. I wonder who won the fight. Do we know that?

I mean, Tony's in jail, so who knows? Who knows? Well, here's the update. He has called us. He's left us a message. Yeah, it's a voice message. Are you ready? I haven't heard it. I have no idea what it is. I'm excited. Here we go.

Hey, what's going on everybody? All my fans, I just want to say this is the ladies man, Tony Michael Jones, a worker. I am doing great in here. I'm eating good, I'm living good, I'm sleeping good, I'm living it up, you know. All the COs love me and I just want to say, you know, to all my fans, I just want to say I appreciate all the respect, all the love and, you know, I love you guys so much.

It's you know, this is just a little setback and when I get out I'm very very very excited to do the to do the shoot with Alexis out in Vegas So let's go baby. Come on. Let's go

And, you know, be ready, Alexis, because, you know, sweetie, when I get out of here, I can't wait to give it to you, sweetie. You know, on film, everything, sweetheart. So I just want to say I'm doing good. I'm eating good. CEOs love me. I'm living it up, man. Even though I'm locked up, I'm living it up.

I mean, look, I don't think you can have a better outlook on things. No. I mean, for the way that most people react when they're in jail...

This is as good as it gets. He's so positive and resilient. That's what I'm saying. And I hate to say this, but dare I say he likes being in prison. I think he likes jail. And I think...

I think this is a real lesson to all our fans in jail is that it's all about perspective, man. If you're like, oh, this sucks. Attitude. Yeah, your attitude sucks, then it does suck. But if you're like, man, I'm living it up. People like me. I get double portions. I'm sleeping good. I'm having a great time. Then doing time's not so bad. Not so bad. And also, I thought that Sex Worker would be his only gig that he'd be really good at. Turns out,

Prison inmate too. Yeah, inmate. He's a good inmate. Inmate or sex worker. Maybe like the ideal inmate. Yeah. Like he's the one who the warden's going to be like, you guys, this is who we're trying to get you to be like. Yep. Wow. Yeah, I mean, wow, that is something. I mean. And he's fired up to shoot his scene and he's, you know, he's.

He's really he's got a good outlook on things. Well, now he does have a reason to try to get out of jail. Like he's got a goal to work towards, which is nice. Do you have any idea how long he's going to be in?

I think his court date's coming up in like a week or two, and then hopefully he'll get out, but we'll see how that goes. Right, because he might have to bail out still, right? Yeah. Well, he did violate a restraining order against his uncle, and then he documented it and showed up with boxing gloves. Not a smart idea. I mean, the judge is not going to be like, that was a good idea. Yeah. You know what also is interesting? What, Tom? Is to have this perspective. One might actually think it's directly correlated to one's intelligence. Mm-mm.

You know? No. Yeah. What are you talking about? Well, there's kind of this bell curve for IQ. And it could be that somebody on either side of this either tells themselves you need to change your perspective and they're on the right side of the curve or that some people that are on the left side of that curve just go, this isn't that bad. This isn't that bad. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Well, look, Tom, there are a lot of gentlemen and some women who prefer life on the inside because it is consistent. There is some discipline. There is some structure to their day-to-day existence. Yeah. Now, the one thing he's going to run into is there's no women. That's a problem. And that's a problem. But he also opened his third eye to the possibilities of that being a cool thing, too. His third brow. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. I'm disappointed because we did tee him up. We were all set. Now, here's the other person that was all set. Alexis Fox. Alexis, who is an adult superstar, was ready to introduce Tony into that world by having his debut scene be with her, which is the best case scenario, right? Like you're really going to be with a big time performer here. And that legitimizes him in that field. He would have a leg up. She had a set set.

like a place to shoot the scene, all ready to go. 'Cause we were going with, ironically, it was gonna be a jail scene. - Oh, wow. - Right? - That is ironic. - So she got the set, it was all set to go. Then she gets word, Tony's not available. Well, she's already paid to use, like reserve the set. So she decided to use the set anyway and gave us a shout out from the set. She was like, this is dedicated to you guys. She went airtight.

Isn't that cool? Alexis. Yeah. Congratulations. That's pretty wild. Let's see. There's a gentleman there. Yep. One, two, three. Yep. That's every hole. That's every hole. Don't drop the soap. It says in the background. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah. That could have been Tony. That could have been. Well, he could have been one of them. Yeah. That's too bad that he missed.

missed out on this because it looks like they're having fun that definitely looks like a good time it's a good shot you can see everything happening yeah and so I'm sure if we sent this to Tony he'd be like shit I gotta get out of here yeah I gotta be one of these guys maybe he could hang this in his cell you know as like sometimes they put pinups there and that could be his I don't know if you can DM him or not but that would be maybe motivation pretty cool yeah thank you Alexis that's really sweet of you to send that along um

You know, I've been working on my Italian for quite a while now. Yes. I need to shout out to my tutor again because that's very helpful. You've been actually consistently with your tutor in Hungarian. That's right. I've been relearning my mother tongue. And it's such a beautiful language. Thank you. And we have this... Yeah.

clip here from I guess a website where oh oh I thought this is the thing I yeah you sent in like it's a little yeah so my tutor taught me this word and I wanted to share it with the entire universe yeah let's share it so fun let's share the word then you can tell us what it means I can't say it but I know but I'll play it and then you tell us what this word means ready here we go

And that's slow. Not that word perse. Perse is yes, of course. But that... Can you play that again? Yeah, sure. Just so people get that. Mm-hmm.

That's one word. That's one word in Hungarian. And it means? I'll tell you, this is the best. So it's based on the dish tiltot kaposta, which is stuffed cabbage. Okay? And what this one word means is that there's so much meat and cabbage in this pot that I am making tiltot kaposta in, I cannot fit more cabbage in.

in the pot. That's what that one word means. There's so much meat and cabbage in this pot of Teletubbies Kapusta, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot. Which means that so many people

We're running into the issue of I can't fit any more goddamn cabbage in here. And I'd like to express this in a word. In one word. That everybody was like, here's a word. Here's a word that expresses that sentiment. This is a uniquely but universal concept to all of us.

So how about and then it's like everyone's like, yeah, I get it. Your fucking cabbage is out of control. Yeah. That's one word. I got so much cabbage. I got too much cabbage. There's too much cabbage in here.

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And they opted for this versus saying, I have too much cap. Yeah. It's such a... Too much cap. But it's such a familiar sentiment that they would go, well, why say the whole sentence? You could just say the word and everybody goes, oh, it's... This is enough of an issue in Hungarian culture. And I asked my tutor, I'm like, would my parents know this word? And she's like, yeah, of course. Like, what are you, stupid? This is... People know this word, dummy. They'll put it together pretty fucking quick. And I'm like, I can't even...

I can't even... You know, it's a real peasant word too. Of course. I'm a peasant, dummy. You don't know this by now. This is such a peasant's word. Like, I bet if you ran this by your parents, they would be like, oh yeah. But they'd be like, yeah, they're fucking villagers who say this shit when they're making their fucking stuffed cabbage. Right. That's the thing too. There's a real distinction in Hungarian culture about villager versus like city folk. Yeah. And even my tutor...

- 'Cause your stepmom was kind of a villager, wasn't she? - She was a villager. - She'd be like, "Oh, this was always a villager." - Do you wanna know the name of our town, which even sounds like a villager? It's called Porost. You say Porost, it means like a farmer. It's like a slang word for villager. - Does it kind of have a negative connotation? - Again, like Tigayn, like gypsy. Porost and Tigayn, like they're-- - Oh, you are Porost. - Porost is a villager, yeah. So she was from a place called Shorokshag.

which is like, yeah, central. Yeah. You're from, you fucking villager. Yeah. It's goddamn dirty gypsy. Yeah. Yeah. Totes gypsies. Yeah. So yeah. Did you ever call her a gypsy? Nah, are you kidding me? Oh my God. I, one time, one Christmas Eve, I should have come in and be like, are you a gypsy? I'm just seeing her be like, what? When,

One time my dad on Christmas Eve came down in like a shiny 90s shirt and I was about 14 years old and I go, oh my God, you look like a gigolo. And that was not good. That wasn't good. I had to run and I hid in my room and I was not allowed to come down until the next day. Christmas Eve I lost out on because I call my dad a gigolo.

And I think it's because it was a little close to the bone as any is listening and laughing right now because it's too close to the bone. He knew it. He knew I fucking knew what was up with him. Yeah.

But you called him a gigolo. I did call him a gigolo. I probably just learned what that word meant. So if you had called him a gypsy. Even worse. Backhand straight to the mouth. It's crazy that I literally have a story like that. I mean basically the same. I'm just going to tell the same story. But I had the same thing. I called my dad a player. We were both drunk. And I called him a player. He let me drink. I was like 16. And I was like yeah because you a player huh? And he's just like what did you call me? I was like

a player like you get game you know he's just like

I'm your father you call me dad or father that's it no player no dude none of that he got furious and then I called him dude once he got mad at that too my dad got mad at me for calling him dude once really yeah in the car I was like dude he goes cut the dude shit he's like I'm not fucking dude and I was like alright our kids call me dude everyday I'm like yep that's right bro dude bro wow wow that's wild

Yeah. That's crazy that somebody else has that story. I definitely thought it was unique. What's up, Playboy? What's up, Playboy? He's like, the fuck? Yeah, because Annie and I on some level knew that they were, you know, that's what they are. Well, with your dad's, both of those things rang true. Yeah, so that's what they got upset. Right, because he is a player and your dad is a gigolo. Yeah, and I thought it was a compliment. Right, right. Well, I didn't. I knew. I was like, you look like a fucking gigolo.

yo yeah i wasn't trying to play games i was like you know yeah you get game you know yeah the did you just say oh wait it was it's a good thing it's a good you're a good you're a player dog yeah no i'm father but i do think in hungarian culture calling somebody gypsy is like the worst thing yeah that's that's the lowest and i'll always remember the first time i went to budapest

I went to do a show. I'd never been, obviously you're Hungarian. I know, you know, eight words over the years that you taught me. None of them are helpful, but I got up there on stage and there's like, I don't know. It was like a 300 person venue. Great to be in Budapest. Uh, only thing I don't like are the Rochatsigans and they broke into huge applause for rotten gypsies. Yeah.

And then I told my driver the same word. He goes, oh, he goes, be careful. They kill you for this. Now they do. Because when we were in Italy, I noticed, too, because I called them gypsies. And he's like, no, no, you can't say gypsy no more. You have to say Roma. I'm sure the Romans love that. Roma. Fucking break.

Anyway. Anyway. Another crazy thing that appeared in my algorithm the other day. And I have the best algorithm on the interwebs. Like, I have ruined other people's experiences. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Andrew...

Asian genes. He was just like, dude, everything's all fucked up now. Sickler told me he was like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I don't have fun anymore on here. Everything you sent me changed my whole experience, but I'm just scrolling along and usually it's like chaos and destruction and, you know, accidents, workplace accidents, car accidents, gunfire, killings, all kinds of shit. And then I see some other things and I just scrolling along and I see this.

There he is. That's in public.

It's the one that got away. The one that got away. Why are you showing me? It's upsetting me because we've reached out to him so many, for a decade. I'm far and on you haters. If you don't know, that's King Ass Ripper. And he was like the OG, like this cool guy is so cool that when we discovered him,

I think both of us had different experiences where we had to pull over on the side of the road. Yeah. Yes, I remember this. Yeah. I pulled over on the side of the road. Yeah. And I was like, who is this amazing man? And he even put out a couple videos that he, because he would never respond. We tried every tactic to contact this guy. And one time he put up a video and just wrote like, in the caption it was like, shout out to your mom's house. That was it. That's all he would do. He acknowledged us. Yeah.

um but king ashripper would he would change accounts so he would be on live leak under one account and then on youtube and that account would go down he'd open another one over here like it was always hard to find him we could never get a response um and then i just saw this you know um but it's but also that's him that's ashripper yeah hold on let me go sniffed out yes there's that one yeah

So for those of you who don't know, do we have any old videos of Ass Ripper to show the audience? Because now I want to take a walk down Ass Ripper Lane. Oh, my God. We can't. But he is really, look, dude, he has, this is other level. He was always at home. This is a public setting. He has set up his camera in a restaurant. He never did that. And he is stuffing himself. There's food all over his face and his body.

It's insane. So he would do it, remember, in his bedroom. Yeah. He would do it in his car. Yeah. And keep in mind, this guy started this 10 years ago. At least. So this is before OnlyFans. This is before you would see this stuff commonly. And he'd wear his little tighty-whities. Yeah. And he'd look over his shoulder. Oops. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he'd finger the holes in his chonies and his dirty white underwear. And they'd be very brown. Very brown. He'd have crazy brown streaks. Yeah. Remember the one in his kitchen? Yeah. Where he would like open a Tupperware, fart, and he'd be like, oh. Then one time he set out all this food and he farted on all the food. That's right. And then he ate it. He ate the food, yeah. Yeah.

This guy was such a talent. And I'm so... I'm going to fart in some stockings. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Christmas one. Yeah. One of the greats.

Two. And to be able to do this, have a fart for each stocking? Three in a row. And this is before people were editing things. Jesus Christ, man. This is in real time. Yeah. This is in real time. How did he have three in the barrel? I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. That was fucking amazing. No, no. He did edit. I'm sorry. There was an edit. Oh, yeah.

Do we have the one where he's- He's also gained 100 pounds. That's insane. Yeah, I know that, but he gained it while we were following. Oh, yeah. When we were still working. Because then he started to be a gainer. Yes. Like he was like, here's all this food I'm eating. God, he was- You do the math. You do the math. Like he was like, that's 500 calories, and this is 800 calories. And he listed all the calories, and then he goes, you do the math. Oh, I know. A large pizza. Yeah.

Not only that, a large pizza. And I'm going to fucking drench it.

you know i always gotta drench my goddamn food in sausage gravy this time jesus mayonnaise sausage gravy that's very innovative nobody's doing full cans of sausage gravy and cold nobody was doing this and then i got a third can of sausage three cans yeah smother my goddamn pizza and all the sausage great

The fact... Jesus. That pizza looks so good. He's going to ruin it with the gravy. I thought ranch maybe would be... He's trying to get calorically up there. See, the thing is, I can't believe...

I don't like it. I don't like the sauce and the gravy. The thing is that I can't believe is that with our show and its reach and its audience, that not one person has ever been like, oh, I know this guy. Well, look, we haven't tried in about how many years to get a hold of him. Maybe we could try again. Does anybody know King Ass Ripper? Do you know who this is? Can you get a hold of him? Can you tell him to contact us? Get on your mom's house. Do you remember what city he was in? I don't know why I felt like it was Michigan or something. Was it Detroit? Detroit.

Oh, maybe Detroit. I think Romulus, Michigan. Wow. Josh, that was good. Somebody's got to recognize him on a personal level. Somebody does. And they're like, that's fucking... Yeah, it's Jake. Tim. Oh, he doesn't do that anymore. He's got a family. He works at the factory. Can you imagine the woman that's like, oh yeah, he used to. He used to do this stuff. This is when I met him.

The king has stated that he lives in, oh, Michigan. He's 35, born September 14th. I would imagine he doesn't want his name out there because it's not hard to find someone's address or phone number. That's funny. Found all this shit and never once thought about exposing him. Obviously, other people don't think the same.

I do want to know what his motive is, though. Why is he purposely gaining? How the hell does he shake the whole house when he farts? Well, we had our speculation that it's for sex work. Yeah, and I'm, by the way, just to be clear, I'm not trying to learn his name or, you know, yeah. I'm not trying to do that to him. I just wanted to be like, you know,

I want to talk to him. We want him to work again. I want him in my life again. I miss you. We miss you, King Ass Ripper. Someone's saying, I want to pay for his dirty underwear. Yeah, I would. We just miss you, buddy. We miss your work. You haven't made a new video in so long. Where are you? Are you okay? Rip ass again. Nobody does it like this guy. Nobody did it like King Ass Ripper. Yeah.

You know, amongst the cool guys, there are men with just raw talent. Robert Paul Champagne has that spirit. Do you have his fart montage? Like one of his King Ass Ripper fart montages? What's his name? The old guy.

you know, in such a way, that guy's got that spark to you. He does have a spark to him, yeah. 10 to 12 Benadryl guy. He's got a spark. King Ass Ripper was unlike any other cool guy. Yeah, he really is. He kind of laid the foundation for finding people like this. Of course. He was one of our first children. And it just made me crazy that we couldn't talk to him. And we offered him money. Yeah. We offered him everything. Yeah.

He did it for the love of the game. Purely. That's, you got to respect it. Maybe we won't get a hold of him, but I still respect it. He's really talented. It kind of makes me sad. I like that he's a gainer though. He's got to be over three bills now. He was probably like 180. But why stop doing it? He was already successful. We were on board. There's so many mysteries to him. Why did he stop? Why did he not want fame? Why did he not want to get bigger than he was? Because he kept doing the videos after we reached out.

It's not like he didn't want to do what he was doing. He was still doing it. I know. I got to go piss real quick. Okay. So, look at this. Yeah. Who doesn't do that? Listen to that fart, bro. That's all. I'm so used to it.

Sniff that one. Oh, that's what that's from. I didn't realize it's from the dog. Oh, I didn't know. Oh, wow. Tom, I feel like you and I are revisiting an old flame. Yeah. Don't you feel like? I know. You're like, he was such a good boyfriend. Yeah, why did we ever not? I know. And then sometimes you go, oh, the thing is, there was good qualities to him. What's going to fucking happen is I'm going to smash all this goddamn McDonald's. Yeah, he got so fat. Yeah.

Wow, he became like a serious gainer. He did. He got into this lane.

Yeah. Can I tell you, I think he's an authentic gainer. I don't think it's even for monetary things at all. I don't know if anybody was... We would have found how he was monetizing it. Hold on, Tom. What? But don't you... Isn't this for fetish? Don't you need a... No, what I'm saying is...

He's doing it for fetish, but just for the dopamine drip of the fetish. Most people do this, and especially if they're public, there's a monetary component. I see what you're saying. I don't think there's any monetary component to this. I think you're right because he shunned it. He didn't want it. Yeah, if he was after money, he would have been like, oh, this is a platform that'll give me more exposure. I'll make more money. I think he really just gets off on that. Oh, that's why. Yeah. I think you're right.

He was absolutely stuffing himself. Also, something else to point out is that he always had a roof over his head and a car. He did. So he was employed. That's true. He's employed. That's true. This guy was showing up to work somewhere. That's right. And that's probably why he didn't want the exposure back then. Which is crazy because someone from work was like, hey, man, I saw your fart stuff. Maybe that's why he stopped making the videos. Maybe he wanted to be a regular guy.

I don't know, but it's a talent wasted if that's the case. Yeah. Aye, aye, aye. I miss him so much. Your clock's not running. Bam. So... Come back to us, King Ash Ripper. Yeah. King Ash Ripper, come back. Any. I got... What? What's with the attitude? What do you want, man? This is so stupid. I shouldn't have said shit. No.

God damn it. And he just hits the exact, like the perfect mark of the black guy stereotype where they don't like gay stuff. So sometimes when I find gay shit on Instagram, I send it to him. It's fucking crazy, dude. You have gay niggas on your feed, on your feed. Like they're coming to you. The algorithm's like, this nigga likes gay niggas. And you're just like, yep, send, like. What the fuck?

I like how upset he's getting. I sent him this and he got upset. Morning, baby. They're just not doing anything crazy. Say good morning, asshole. Go to church, bro. That's what I do on a daily basis. When I'm not in trouble. You're never in trouble. I gotta go, folks. Say good morning. Good morning.

Any. What? There's just guys just saying good morning. Man, this is stupid, man. This is fucking, this is dumb. We got to show him more gay stuff. That was upsetting? What?

I don't want to see it. You know, like, hey, do your thing. But it's like you said, just like you don't want to see the fucking scooby-dee-bop, bop-booty-bop. You know, you don't want to see that dumb shit. Yeah. Right? I just don't want to see this dumb shit. But they're just saying good morning. Like, hey, good morning. Say good morning fucking to yourself. Keep it inside. I don't need that shit. I don't need it in my life.

Black people being homophobic is my favorite. It is pretty awesome. I love them. I hate that shit. If you're like, man, this is really hard. They're like, yo, pause, man. Pause, dog. What are you trying to say? Are we in fifth grade? Like, hold up, man. Shit was mad suspect the way you said the shit was hard. You're like...

Sorry. Yeah. But I also love how black comics are openly homophobic. 100%. And it's so accepted. And it's fine. Like, that's what they're fine. Culturally, they're like, no, I don't fuck with no gay shit. They say it all the time. I love it. I know. And white comics live in a world. Straight white male comics...

dance constantly on the line of gay like gay joke you know acting gay hey how about we suck each other's dick after like and then black guys are always like say what like never engaging in it i know there's like entire premises about things like that's some gay shit we don't do no gay shit i don't fuck with no gay shit you're like got it yeah i got it yeah

Hey, I respect it. Can I, Matt Pries, Pries, did you hear that? Matt Pries bring up, we have a dental update in the Your Mom's House world, but I would like to start doing vision updates. Okay. I, as you can see, I'm again wearing these glasses. I haven't worn these in years. I just allow myself to see things blurly because I don't want to fucking wear them. Yeah. Turns out radiation kills your vision.

I didn't know that. I didn't know when they were rating my body. Are you just trying to one-up me now on fucking Invisalign? So, my reading has gone to shit, my readers, and now I have to wear these fucking gay distance dad glasses. Now, like with you, I gotta wear these all the time. My eyes are just...

Cooked. Have you had your, you haven't done your annual, your pap smear yet? I haven't had my pap smear yet this year, but every time I've gone for the last four years, they're like, oh yeah, you need a higher prescription now. Every year it's going to happen. Your eyes are gayer this year than they were last year. I'm like, okay. Yeah, that's what my doctor said. She's like, you're getting gayer and lesbianic every year. Every year. Also, good news, because of radiation, I now have the beginnings of cataracts.

I have cataracts now. Maybe you can have a cool cataract surgery. She said, yeah, not now. Like in 20 years, I'll definitely need that. That's cool. So I've got a bunch of new looks coming for you guys. You're going to see me wearing different spectacles because, you know, why not? Well, that also reminds me that I have a different cool update.

This one, I have to say, outdoes cancer. I never do anything this awful. You also didn't let me talk about it in the pre-production meeting. You're like, no, save it for the show. Save it for the floor. They need to hear it. Hold on. I need to simmer. For the longest time.

I guess I've had pretty inconsistent GI. 15, 20 years at least that I've known you? Yeah. What I'm saying is, okay, I have to preface it like this. I have to preface it like this. When I was more reckless with my health, eating like an asshole every day, part of what comes with that is shitting like a maniac too, right? But you kind of don't really...

you know, you can't really go, I don't know what's going on because you're eating like an asshole. Like if you're having like, you know, French fries and fried foods and like deep fried this and high sugar and high fat, you know, your guts are going to be a mess. So I was just like, oh, diarrhea is a way of life, right? That's just what happens. Like I eat crazy and then I explode. It's the price you pay for fun. Yeah. And then like, of course I would have normal bowel movements too, but it was always all over the map.

So a few years back, I started taking better care of myself, eating healthier, a lot more lean foods, cutting out sugar, cutting out dairy, things like this. And my bowels did improve, but I still have this thing where I'm like,

you know, I'll go to dinner with you or I'll go on the road. I have dinner with like four or five of the guys I tour with and we'll have the same thing. And then I go, oh, I had a crazy shit this morning. How about you guys? Everyone's like, no, normal. Or, you know, like we have the same food. I'm like, oh, that really fucked me up. And you're like, I'm fine. So at a certain point, you're like, I feel crazy not eating.

at least trying to figure out, I should say that four and a half years ago, I had this thought and I got a colonoscopy and I was excited for them to tell me, oh, here's what it is. Right. Yeah, sure. I have the colonoscopy. I get the results. I'm like all the, I get the call from the doctor. He's like, yeah, your colonoscopy is pretty normal. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, he's like, you have a slight, like,

irritation but like in the normal range of irritation like minimal you don't have anything you don't have polyps you don't have like something where we see oh this is your issue so then I'm like okay and you just kind of keep like my he's like yeah your your GI tract is normal keep going keep going and then this year it's like again I feel crazy and then you get one so I'm like well this is the perfect time to like have this conversation again

Yes, you have the colonoscopy again or for your first time. And I talked to your doctor and I'm like, I just don't I feel like something is wrong, but I just don't understand what it is. It's like so inconsistent. So she's great. And she's like, all right. She goes, she calls me and she goes, we're going to figure this out because I lay out in detail everything that I can.

Here's what I'm eating. Here's what happens. And there's, and like, I even gave the example, I could be eating like very, very clean, right? Like very clean, like some fruit here and, and chicken breast and, and a sweet potato. And then, you know, like good, healthy food. And I could have a disaster. And then three days later, I might be like, oh, fuck it. I'm going to

Have a cheeseburger and I have a healthy bowel. Like nothing makes sense to me. Doesn't make any sense. So she's like, well, to figure this out, we're going to run some tests. So she's like, I need you to go give blood. So I gave blood. And then she goes, now I need you to go pick up your stool kit. So I go to the doctor and I pick up a bucket that I have to shit into. And then she gave me 12 vials of

that have scoopers and I have to I have to pick up shit with the scooper and put it into each vial eight of the vials eight of the vials are room temperature two of them I have to put in the fridge and two I have to put into the freezer

So I have to freeze shit, keep some shit cool, and I have other shit room temp. And I have to then take all that and deliver it to a lab and go, this was frozen, this was refrigerated, this I kept on the counter. And I have to drop off 12 vials of shit. And the bucket, by the way, it's a plastic, like, flimsy thing. And she goes, oh, please make sure you don't return the bucket. We don't want it after you've shit in it because some people bring it back.

i was like i go i was never gonna bring it back she's like i just have to let you know so i picked it up and she's like you might not have enough shit to fill up the 12 vials oh you will but like just do it over and i'm like gagging as she's i'm like and then i uh i go can i borrow some gloves can i take a couple of gloves with me and she's like oh yeah that's a good idea um

So anyway, she goes, you might do it multiple times. Like one day you shit and you fill these up, and the next day you shit and you fill the other. Well, how big are these vials? I mean, they're just like, you know, like bigger than a blood vial. Okay, is it like this? No, no, no, no, no. You've got tons of shit. You could fill a blood vial. I know, but then here's the other part of me. I don't want to scoop up a slop shit. I'm like telling myself, because you can kind of feel it. You're like, oh, this is going to be a bad one. So I'm like trying to gauge. Oh.

When a good shit's coming and then I'm going to shit into that bucket. Yo, I got to tell you something. Yeah. I'd rather have my tits cut off and do radiation than do- Than shit the bucket. I wouldn't. No, no. I don't even mind shitting in the bucket. It's the fact that you- Have to scoop it out? Scoop it and then put it into 12 containers and then hold. It's not enough. Then you have to freeze some, refrigerate some, and then walk it to the lab and then-

I mean, hold on. The only thing that... There's no service that can... You know what will piss me off? That just takes the shit and separates it for you? No, no, no. What pisses me off... This is horrible. ...is the idea that I will do all this, and then they go, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Yeah. Well, also, who's this first doctor that was like, you're all cleans.

See you later. And then gave up. It was a GI at like Cedars in LA. Like he was just like, you're fine. That's why I don't think Cedars is necessarily the best Austin. I've had better healthcare. I mean, cause they actually have the time to give a shit about you out here. I don't know. I don't know. They have to figure this out with you. I can't imagine. I mean, that's what we're doing. We're just trying to figure out what's going on in my butt. Oh, I'm just getting out of the shower and I realized it's a sore next to my butthole.

I don't have sores though.

They're not sores, but if she's rubbing them and maybe she's wiping too hard and they're bleeding, they shouldn't be sores. They should just be like skin. Who knows? Who knows what's going on there? I hope your butthole feels better, man. Why are you freezing it? I don't know. And I didn't ask. And I don't want to know. I just want to drop off the shit. Which fridge and freezer do you think you'll be using? Not the family's fridge.

food oh no I'll be putting it in our other fridges no of course I'm putting it in the kitchen fridge oh my god you can't I will and I can and then where are you gonna lay out your other live on your counter oh my god I'm gonna puke

You better hide that. Do you want to be there for it? This one is, well, I asked you, I was like, do you need help? Like, are you going to, first of all, you've never shit into a bucket before. So it might be, that's the first challenge is how do you know you can even shit into a bucket successfully? I want to fucking throw up just thinking about this. It's horrible. Yeah. This is terrible. There's got to be a better way that they're not telling you. Will you guys come help me?

We can document it. We can film the whole thing. This is what I was thinking. This is great content. This is great. Any, what would you rather watch?

Two gay guys saying good morning in bed or me scooping my shit into vials? 50,000. That's the answer. We're going to get there sooner or later. That's the answer. No, which one is worse? I don't want to choose one. You can't even pick which one is worse? I don't want to choose one, man. I don't want either of these things. Wait a minute. You're asking me if I would do it, like scoop it? No. I said which is worse for you to watch?

Gay stuff or Tom? Gay stuff or me scooping my shit into a vial. What am I watching? You scoop it? Yeah. That ain't shit. That's fine. Wow. I can't watch you do that. Your own shit? What kind of spoon are they giving you? Is it like a regular spoon?

That's so gay. There's got to be a better way that we're not thinking of. There's no way that everybody's doing this. That's how you do it. This is disgusting. No, so you have the top of the vial, the thing that you screw off, has a little shovel. Oh, the scooper, yeah. So you scoop the shit and you put it in there. How much caca is there? That's the other fucking thing. They're like, don't put too much shit and don't put too little shit. Put the perfect amount of shit in here. And you're like, okay. But what would that be?

There's got to be lines or something on it, right? Tanner says he'll watch me shit. Tanner will watch anything ever. That's cool. Will Tanner scoop the shit? For me, it's not. The scooping of the shit is what troubles me. Oh, my God. I don't want anyone else to do it, honestly. I don't want anyone else to do it. I know. I'd pay Fiverr to do it.

You'd pay? Like I would pay like get a Fiverr guy. I would do that. You wouldn't do it yourself? No. What if the doctor was like if the doctor's like we need you to do this you'd be like I'm not doing it? I mean no I'm saying I'll do it but like someone else gonna do it. I'll hire like on Fiverr or something. That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't do it. That'd be a long talk with the Fiverr. He'd be like wait what? You're like so I'll shit into this bucket. What's the matter man you don't like money? You don't have to come. I'm telling you all you need to do is

When are you going to do this? Like as soon as possible, right? How long are you keeping this in my fridge? That's the real question. Oh no, a week? No. No, just like overnight. Just to see what bacteria grows probably. Just what's in there. Obviously running a lot of tests if they're having me shit this much.

What about the fecal matter particles and shit, like getting in your fridge? They don't do nothing about that? Well, you put the... Thank you, Annie. You seal the vial, and then the vial goes into a bag. And that's vacuum sealed? It's not vacuum sealed. It's not enough to prevent shit flecks from going everywhere in my food. It's disgusting. You can't put it where my kids eat their hot dogs and shit. I'm excited to do this. I am now excited.

at the idea of of people seeing the shit in the fridge this is what motivates me okay here you go um they think it's bacterial that's why they're they're culturing your caca i guess well if it's not physiological if there's no stuff i know then maybe i have maybe i have something in me parasite or something i don't know that'd be awesome you know how much weight you lose with a parasite so lucky

Do you know women give themselves parasites to lose weight? That's cool. Like it's a thing. Okay, here we go. Annie? This is also for you. Annie watching Gay Shit. No, it's not Gay Shit. It's not gay. It's your inner thoughts. I promise you. I promise you, bro, bro. What they're going to write on my tombstone, every bitch, every hoe, every thot, every shawty that I fuck with dated all my, I got six kids, my four baby mamas. You can interview all of them, dad.

That's any of them. My wife, they'll tell you, nobody is harder on a bitch than me. That's true. Nobody gives less than a fuck about a bitch than me. Yeah. Nobody going to get in that purse money over bitches than me. Purse before pussy. Yeah. Cash first, ass last. Yeah. Nobody. That's what they're going to write on my tombstone. Nobody was harder on a bitch than him. That's a cool thing on a tombstone. On everybody's soul.

How many brothers and sisters do you have? Zero. That we know of. Nobody is harder on a bitch than me. That is the coolest tombstone thing, though. Nobody's harder on a bitch than me. For that to be on your tombstone, that would be amazing. I've changed my tone on this dude, too. I was saying that maybe you don't get bitches like that, but...

No, actually you can't be that confident saying this shit if you don't get some bitches. But now, you know what I think it is, is that he gets young bitches. They're too young. Dummies, yeah. 20s, yeah. They're stupid. Pussy for pussy. He talks about his wife sometimes. And then other baby mamas too. He's got a lot. Yeah. And I bet they all agree, nobody's harder than a bitch. I bet they do, yeah. Especially it's time to make these cool videos about it. Today I'm going to call as many of my chicks as I can.

and just play games with them, just kind of make them miserable a little bit and shit, like promise them shit I'm going to do for them and don't do it. Just lie and shit. See, women like to play games. You got to stay in their head, man. You got to disappoint them sometimes, let them down.

He really has a good time with this, though. Yeah, he's pleased with himself. Yeah.

I know that, so I've seen my dad pull that, actually. Yeah, he did it a few times on women. Yeah. But he wouldn't do it like that, where he'd joke with them. He'd be like, I don't like this, okay? You're too fat. It's not exciting for me. Like, he would just straight up. Straight up tell them. I'm not attracted to you. You're too fat. Whoa. Yeah, which is even meaner. And then they go, uh, uh.

Yeah, and then they get on diets. You got to disappoint them sometimes. See, I just thought my dad disappointed all of us unconsciously. I didn't realize it was like... It's a tactic. Premeditated. What do you think, Danny? Do you think your dad like...

Didn't show up on purpose to fuck with you? Absolutely. Absolutely. I told you in the beginning. That's why this dude's like, bitches don't understand. They don't respect me or appreciate shit. It's because you set the standard that if I answer the phone, that's a gift to you. That's a big deal. I don't usually do that for you, right? Goddamn. I'm being so nice to you right now. So toxic. Usually you don't hear somebody go, be toxic.

Like most people who are toxic are kind of unaware of their ways being like, yeah, that's the awareness. I do. Pretty cool. I do feel like he's even a level above this game. He's putting out, he's, this is a tutorial. Yeah. He's brilliant. This is pretty cool. He's a savant. Yeah. He's a toxic savant. I got to say kudos to you, sir. Yeah. This is, this is, this is rare. Yeah.

He's a very bright guy, actually. Yeah, he's a smart guy. Also, it'd be cool. I don't know. Maybe we could stop calling it My Inner Thoughts because I don't like this movie. That'd be cool. I don't like being associated with this movie. Okay, okay. All right, sorry. We'll start calling it Christina's Dad's Inner Thoughts. Yes. We do need a new segment just called Showing Any Gay Shit. Yeah. Because I do like how upset he gets. Josh, could you start pulling some...

homosexual, black homosexual clips to show Annie. Or just gay in general. We've been homies for a long time. Long time. I know. Here's some horrible or hilarious for you, Christina. Oh, fuck. Here we go. Uh-oh. I already know this is going to end with violence. This is going to end with violence. Oh, fuck. What? What even happened? What is that? Cheese block?

I don't understand what I saw. He was celebrating. Oh, he got a candle. That was a candle that got stuck in his head because he did it with so much force. Okay. Well, I don't hear anybody LOLing. No one was LOLing at that one. Yeah, we can go on. Okay. Oh, the donkey rally. Oh. I hate horses, tiny horses, donkeys of all kinds. Yeah. They can go fuck themselves. Oh.

Good. That's what you get. I think it would have been a lot better if they had face planted. True. They actually turned. They did the thing you're supposed to do, but it would have been nice to see a direct... You're supposed to turn when you get thrown off a broom. Well, otherwise it would have been a direct face plant. I didn't know that was standard protocol. That's what they tell you to do. I like this already. Oh, shit. Oh, she broke her leg. You see it? No.

This leg closest to you. It's okay. Is broken. Cool. Look. It's okay. See, it's underneath her. Oh, shit. Okie dokie. No thanks. World of Warcraft wrestling. What is this? Ooh. Okay. She had to be taken out in a stretcher, yeah. That was pretty cool. You didn't like that one? Nope.

I thought it was gonna be some fat stuff. And I always like fat people doing stuff, but... I hate these guys on bikes, skateboards, and like... Oh, just... Oh! I don't know why that went wrong. Because that's theoretically how they all do it. We got stuck. Yeah, he, um, uh... I don't like this. Shit, man.

Oh, I see what happened. See, when he goes down here, okay, then he tries to overcompensate by dipping his body. See how low he goes? So he gets off the back of the bike, and then the momentum, when he comes forward, launches him forward. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah. And then he landed, looks like straight onto his head. Cool. That could have ended pretty poorly. Okay.

No serious injuries. That's cool. Okay. Yeah. I'm done. Well, nobody LOL'd there. No, there wasn't a lot of laughs there. Okay. Let's do something that'll make you laugh. Yeah. Somebody tell me how they say this in Japanese or Chinese or Vietnamese or the other knees. This shit say bitch nigga. It don't say bitch nigga. It does. Hair and skin care. It does say that. Yeah. That's amazing. Uh-huh.

That's amazing. This is a bitch nigga. It kind of. It does. How would you say I have an appointment there? How do they answer the phone? Can we find it? Can we call them? How do you? It's got to exist. Let's call and see how they answer. That's a good idea. Yeah. Let's look it up here. Josh can find it in like two seconds. Let's call. What's this place? Hair and Skincare.

Oh, it's real. It's Houston. Oh, let's call it. Dude, they're open. Call it right now, dude. It's open. No, it's closed. Open's 10 a.m. Can you call them? So if they don't say their name when they answer, Josh, if they don't say, be like, what is this?

Where am I calling? Okay. Let's see if they pick up with being closed. Okay. Oh, they're not closed, are they? Yeah. It says hours. It says closed today. Oh, it's Wednesday. Yeah, they're just closed today. Oh, let's see what the voicemail says. Here, I can just try it on my phone. Okay. That's exciting. In a cash-only setting. Those are real foreign vibes. No card. No. No, foreigners don't do cards, dude. Here we go.

Yeah, they just ring and ring and ring, right? No. They don't give a fuck, dude. These places do not give a fuck. Oh, well, let's try again next time. Wait, how to pronounce? As a Vietnamese person who understands the language, I can assure you that there's no malicious intent behind the name. But yeah, now are there others out there who would be so sure to play on words to come up with a quirky name for their business? Yeah, for example, fucking.

The intent is pretty clear behind that one. But "Btnja" could literally be somebody's given name. Like, it could be the name of the owner, who knows. This is exactly what I mean when I say that people would rather go by an anglicized name than go by their given name because people would make fun of it just like, you know, people in the comments. Haha, your name sounds like... And reading some of the comments is making me realize how there are so many people who have this Eurocentric mindset about how to read words. You mean English?

Eurocentric. Yeah. I mean, we're in America and we read things in English. That's a bitch nigga right there. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So it's actually Bick-nya. Bick-nya. Yeah. All right. Bick-nya. He knows nobody here is going to go, oh, that's Bick-nya. Yeah, of course. Nobody. No one's saying that. Nobody's saying that.

And nya means beautiful girl or good. Okay. Biknya. Biknya. Is there a gem? Okay. There you go. It's a name with a positive connotation. But let me tell you how shit works in Houston, my man. I know. Biknya is on nobody's mind in Houston, Texas. Oh, how blessed are they? Oh, it's everywhere. Oh, shit. Those are a bunch of different places called biknya. That's rad. Hey, man, meet me at biknya later today.

He's like, you're Eurocentric, Mike. What do you mean, dude? Yeah, there's fuck it tie. Yeah. Everybody knows. You know what we think when we see that shit, bro. Of course, bro. There ain't no mystery. You know that people are not going to be like, oh, that's probably big now. No, nobody. But then there are the fun ones where they don't have an English speaking friend to help them name their business. So there'll be like total relax. So relax. So relax. So relax, my side. Total relax and so relax. You want to be so relax? Yeah.

You come get my style here. So relax. Total relax. Total relax. So relax. But then I think I saw a so relax too. There's another so relax. Want to go to a so relax? You know, just wind down after work. Get a so relax. So relax. So relax. Okay.

All right. It's fun. It's been a real one. Please watch next week. Yeah. Bad Thoughts on Netflix.

I'm on tour as well. TomSegura.com slash tour. I have a bunch of dates that I've added for the fall because the spring stuff's about to wrap up and we're going to be in Dayton and Akron, Daytona Beach, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Westbury, Hanover, Gary, Indiana,

Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, baby. Long Beach, Freon, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia will be our last show of the year and of the tour.

Oh, can I plug a date, please? Of course. Now that I'm returned to stand-up, I'm only doing stuff in Austin. I'll be at May 15th, 730 at Comedy Mothership in the Little Boy if you'd like to see me work out a new hour or two. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, by my lip shits. Guys, so many of you did for Mother's Day. Thank you so very much. I hope you're happy with your purchase. Get the perfect four now at ChristinaP.com. There you go. There you go. So relaxed. So relaxed.

Oh, come on. All right. So that's it for this. That was terrible. Don't do that again. Shout out to the King, man. It was great seeing you again. We hope you continue to get bigger and post about it. All right. Lots of love. We'll see you guys next week.

Yeah.

Get in the car. We hard fucking core. Don't do it in the park. Say it a bunch more. You're getting the dog in trouble. You dick. Wonder if you tick tock.

Well, it's true, bitch. Keeping it clean. Please watch your profanity. Master of accents. Nobody understanding me. Got DJ Dadmouth on the ones and twos. We the four-stroke gang. Act like you knew. Tom, like it's new. You gotta dump that bitch. So Ashley and Tucker, we actually that rich. Never been the time my cards been declined. Better clean up behind whenever I walk by. Ah, let's meet up. Say 8-8-15. A recovering lawyer with a

♪♪ ♪♪

Best tour bus. It's summertime and isn't it great? Got Louisiana hot sauce. Yeah, we give thanks. Nicknamed Snake ever since I was a kid. Crazy off the marijuana and the whiskey I would sip. Yeah, you're smart, but sorry, all sales are final. The sissy of Fremont Street, he all smiles. $23.95 with the written food. Right now, right now, right now, because I'm in the mood. Just a couple cool guys, you can go and play the riff. Break your body once a year, that's the key to staying fit. Oh, it's gonna be good, you better believe it.

Bye.