Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
You gotta find your voice by using your voice. You gotta find your voice by using your voice. I don't know how to start this now. I have to use my voice randomly, and that's how I started my previous podcast, and the previous one, and the previous one. I'm at the point where I'm lost again. I can't find my voice again. But it's a humbling experience, and I'm excited for this actually.
I'm excited about not knowing who I am again because that means I get to start from a fresh childlike place again and that's precious. Sometimes when I'm too confident about something, too experienced, for example I've been talking about business for five years, five months and I can't find more of my voice again. I developed a voice that's professional, that's
of certain flavor but that's not the most alive version of me and I don't care how how it looks how good it looks like but I know there's something more alive underneath and it's scary because what if it comes out like this like not proper not certain not even Chinese oh my god what am I doing but I can feel that's the most authentic voice of mine I got to
get in touch with it now. And I started like that. I started as someone who's always not knowing everything and not pretending to know everything. And I'm still that person. I'm not saying that I'm not an expert in certain areas. I still am. And I'm still that childlike, innocent, daring, edgy person, funny and silly person that I am. I'm still that
I can't bypass that to sugarcoat my voice in the name of making it more professionalized, more properly branded. Fuck that. I'm not happy if I'm gonna do anything that's not alive like this. I almost signed up for a so-called IP liulia or whatever, but I'm happy that I pressed the brake.
I almost fell into the trap of looking up to those people, those terms, because I am very inexperienced with xiao hongshu and I still am terrified of it. I'm terrified of making videos and showing up a certain way. And I almost gave up my authority to other people who claimed to know xiao hongshu better. Yes, maybe they are, maybe they do. But I know something
more precious, at least to me. I'm probably still gonna be a silly little crab in terms of doing Xiaohongshu and I'm... every day I'm thinking of giving that up and maybe that's not for me but I... another part of me wants to try it. Wants to give it a try, wants to... and I don't... I'm not the only person who's sensitive and fragile and... but other people can do Xiaohongshu, why can't I?
So there's definitely this "bù fú" Oh my god it's so messy But I feel free, I feel fucking free I don't know where this is gonna lead me It's fucking scary and embarrassing Fuck it This is the gem, I'm finding my gem I found it I'm now the almost weakest looking version of me Lying in bed, feet in position, two blankets
Still a bit, having a bit of a cold and I feel, I never felt so strong, you know? I once heard Kasia Urbaniak, the woman who wrote Unbound, say that she can dump someone crouching on the couch in a fetus position but still as a powerful dominatrix, as a powerful queen. I finally know what that means now.
I feel fucking weak and fucking powerful at the same time. That's so ridiculous. That's a ridiculous feeling and so real. I'm crying. Snot in my nose. I feel very, very powerful. It sounds insane and I know it's not and it's sacred. Fuck it. Fuck it. I'm gonna post it. I don't care. This is my path. Led by authenticity and very...
a lot of courage. It has always been my path. It has always been. And it's a path that's led to nowhere. I don't know where. Somewhere. Yeah, somewhere. Somewhere. I'm pretty sure this is how I should feel like. I'm pretty sure this is something I'm doing right instead of wrong.
I'm doing it so right. No path is supposed to be certain. And this is fucking uncertain, what I'm doing now. And I guess I gotta find my voice. I did. Yeah, that's it. I love my voice. It's alive and that's what matters. That's the only thing that matters. And that life is powerful. And power lies in life. Simple as that.
Yes, I am still leading. I finally understand what my circling teacher used to tell me. Move in trigger. Lead while you're vulnerable. Lead in trigger. That's possible. I can feel that's possible and I am doing it. You can lead in a fetus position. Cry in bed. You're still leading. At least leading yourself back home as yourself. Nothing better than that.
That's it. I'm gonna take a few more breaths. And bye for now.