EP15:Deep Into - How to Be Datable
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All right. So ready to dive in. We're tackling How to Be Dateable by Julie Krafchek. This one's for you, obviously, since you said this our way. We know you're looking to kind of decode the whole modern dating scene and maybe find that, you know, happy ending. Yeah. And you know what I find interesting about How to Be Dateable? It doesn't try to like sugarcoat things. You know, it dives right into what Julie and you there at the authors call a full on love crisis. A love crisis. That's a pretty

Pretty dramatic. Is it really that rough out there in the dating world? Well, the book uses some statistics. Kind of makes you think, you know, it mentions that almost half of U.S. adults think dating has gotten harder in the past 10 years. Oh, wow. And it's not just like finding a date for Saturday night. This book really goes deep into how much relationships affect us, you know, or don't affect us if you're not in one.

Good relationships, they're linked to more happiness, people live longer. But loneliness, that can actually be bad for your health. So it's not just about sweeping right and finding someone. It actually affects our health and happiness. That's kind of wild. So that's where this whole love crisis thing comes in. Exactly. It's like this perfect storm. You've got the difficulty of finding someone and then the real consequences if you don't. So that's where Julie and you come in. They actually wrote How to Be Dateable.

based on their podcast, Dateable. It's like super popular. Oh, yeah. I've heard of it. They've talked to so many people about dating. They're really getting into like the nitty gritty of what works and what just completely fails in modern dating. So they've basically they've done all the legwork, the research for us. So what did they find? Can you give us a little preview? Well, one of the first things they do is they kind of break down relationships.

personalities. They've got these five archetypes. The achiever, the dreamer, the energizer, the maverick, and the thinker. Ooh, that's interesting. Which one am I? Do you think people are just one or is it kind of more complicated than that? Usually it's a mix, but yeah, one is usually like the main one. Let's take the achiever, for example. Does this sound familiar? Super goal-oriented, you know, planning dates like business meetings, always looking for the likes, relationships,

Relationship milestone. Okay. All right. Maybe a little bit of me in there. I do love a good plan. What about the other, what were they called? Archetypes. Yeah. So like compare that to the dreamer. They're all about like following their heart. Sometimes that means they ignore like red flags because they're so focused on, you know, potential.

The book really gets into each one, and it can be kind of surprising to see yourself and the people you're dating through that lens. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's like having a secret decoder ring for dating. So speaking of mysteries, the book talks about these traps of modern dating. What are those all about? Ooh, those are sneaky. They can seem like normal things, even things that society expects. One that's really interesting is this thing they call the expectation of love on demand.

Think about it. We want everything right away these days, but expecting love to work the same night, it can really mess you up. Oh, I totally get it. It's like we're programmed to think love should be like in the movies, you know, sudden spark, a grand gesture, but

Boom. Happy ending. Exactly. And this book does a good job of showing how that's not how it works. It reminds us that like real love, love that lasts takes time. It takes effort and it takes, you know, really getting to know the other person. So no more expecting to find the one with just a few swipes. Got it. What are some of the other traps? I'm really curious about the settling paradox. How can being afraid to settle actually lead to settling? That doesn't make sense. It's a bit of a paradox, right?

We're so afraid of settling that we end up fixated on these like little things, these superficial qualities.

We create this checklist that might not actually, you know, lead us to what would really make us happy. So we're so busy like checking off boxes that we forget to see if we actually connect with the person behind them. Yeah. And the book uses Drea's story as an example. She was so focused on finding a guy who was tall, funny and successful. She missed some really big red flags. Yeah. She overlooked how he acted, his emotional baggage, all because on paper he was like the perfect catch. Oh.

Oh, that's got to be tough. It is. But it makes you think, right? We have to look beyond the surface and really think about what makes a relationship, you know, good. We have to be honest about what we value and what we need to feel loved and respected. So ditch the checklist, focus on genuine connection. Makes sense. Now there's one trap that really stood out to me. Relationship chicken. I feel like we've all been there. Oh yeah. Relationship chicken is a classic. It's

It's that thing where you avoid being vulnerable because you're afraid of getting hurt or like being the one who cares more. Right. It's like this weird dance where no one wants to make the first move. So you're stuck, like not saying how you feel and missing connections. Yeah. And the book tells Tori's story. She was dating this guy three months, liked him a lot, but she was too scared to actually like define the relationship. Didn't want to scare him off. Oh, yeah, I get that. It's like we're programmed to like play it cool even when we're dying to just...

say how we feel. And the crazy thing is, the book suggests this whole thing is fueled by how movies and TV shows portray dating. Like it's some kind of game to be won. You mean like whoever falls in love first loses. Exactly. But the book wants us to change that. It reminds us that a good relationship is about working together.

not trying to outsmart each other or win. So how do we get out of this relationship chicken game? The book says honesty and being vulnerable are the antidotes. Stop playing games. Express your feelings. Focus on actually connecting instead of trying to win someone. It's about shifting that whole like

scarcity mindset, you know, that idea that there's only so much love out there to an abundance mindset, believing that love's out there for us. And when we believe that, then we can let go of all that defensiveness and just be ourselves. Exactly. That's powerful. Shifting from scarcity to abundance. And that's

And that leads perfectly into the five-step framework the book gives us for escaping these traps and actually having better dating experiences. And it all starts with letting go. Letting go. That sounds pretty deep. Letting go of what exactly? Well, we're talking about baggage from past relationships, those beliefs that hold us back.

You know, and those those self-sabotaging habits that keep us from finding the love we want. OK, I'm on board with that. But how do we actually do that? That sounds a lot easier said than done. The book talks about something called rejection therapy. What's that? Yeah. Rejected therapy is this interesting idea where you put yourself in situations where you might get rejected on purpose.

The goal is to like get used to rejection so it doesn't have so much power over you. So it's like facing your fear to build up that resilience. That's actually pretty smart. But what does that look like in real life? The book gives some funny examples like asking a stranger for a piggyback ride or trying to get a free drink at a bar.

They sound silly, but it's about reframing rejection. Like it's just redirection, not a personal attack. Oh, I like that. So instead of seeing rejection as like a hit to your ego, you see it as a course correction leading you to something better. Exactly. It's recognizing that not everything's meant to last.

And that's OK. It's about like trusting that you're being guided towards the right people, the right experiences. OK, so rejection therapy helps with the fear of rejection. What else can we do to let go of those limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns? The book also talks about rewriting. You know, our stories about dating. We all have these things we tell ourselves like I'm no good at relationships or I always pick the wrong people.

And these stories, they can become like self-fulfilling prophecies. Like we're stuck in a loop of our own negative thoughts. Yeah, exactly. But the book wants us to really look at those stories and change them. So instead of saying, I'm no good at relationships...

You can say, "I'm learning and growing and I'm becoming a better partner." It's like we're taking control of the story instead of letting the past, you know, write our future. Absolutely. It's about realizing we have the power to change our stories and create new possibilities. That's powerful. So we've got letting go of baggage, rewriting our narratives, anything else in this letting go phase. This is where things get really interesting. The book talks about how attachment styles affect our dating patterns.

Have you heard of attachment theory? I've heard the term, but I'm not sure I totally get it. It's this whole area of psychology. It basically says that our childhood experiences, especially early on, they shape how we form relationships as adults. So like our relationship with our parents, that affects how we interact with romantic partners later in life?

That's for a while. Yeah, it is. And the book goes into the different attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. Knowing your own style can help you navigate dating in a more, uh,

self-aware way with more compassion too. It's like having a decoder ring for our own emotional patterns and those of the people we're dating. Exactly. It helps us understand why we react the way we do in relationships and it gives us insight into why our partners act the way they do. This is already so insightful and we're just scratching the surface. Before we move on though, I want to touch on one more thing from this letting go phase. The book talks about challenging how we define love. Why is that so important? It

It's really deep. Think about it. We're constantly bombarded with these like super romanticized ideas of love, big gestures, intense passion, always feeling excited. The book wants us to look past that and embrace a definition of love that's more realistic, more sustainable. So it's not all like fireworks and butterflies. Those can be fun, but they're not the basis for a relationship that lasts and that's healthy. It's

It's more about finding someone who makes you feel seen, understood, and supported in the everyday moment. Someone who celebrates your wins, supports you through the tough times, and makes you feel safe to be yourself. It's about finding someone who's got your back, not just someone who sweeps you off your feet. Exactly. And that leads us to the next stage, gaining clarity. Clarity. Okay, that sounds promising. What do we need to get clear on exactly?

This stage is all about figuring out what we really want and need in a relationship, not just going through the motions or chasing what society tells us we should want. Okay, I'm definitely ready to ditch those expectations. Where do we even start? The book talks about this thing called our dating why, which is like the main reason we're even dating. What are we hoping to find? Companionship, a sense of belonging, someone to share adventures with.

Or something completely different? That's a great question. I think a lot of us start dating without, you know, really thinking about why. It's easy to just get swept up in it all. You know, dating apps, social pressure, all that. But actually taking the time to figure out your dating why, it can be really, really helpful. Helps you focus and make choices that, like,

match what you really want. It's like a mission statement for our love lives. And I'm guessing this ties into that dating North Star idea that the book talks about. Exactly. Your dating North Star, it's a mix of your dating why and your core needs in a relationship. Think of it as your personal compass for navigating the world of dating.

It keeps you grounded in what matters and helps you filter out distractions and focus on finding a partner who really gets you, you know, who aligns with your values and everything. So it's about figuring out what you want, why you want it, and what you need to feel good in a relationship. Exactly. And once you have that, then you can start making smarter choices about who you date and how you approach the whole dating thing. This is already so insightful. Before we move on, though, I want to circle back to something you said earlier about understanding our court needs in a relationship.

Yeah, that's a good point. I think a lot of us, myself included, sometimes like skip over that step.

You know, you get caught up in the excitement of a potential match. You forget to ask yourself, does this person actually meet my needs? It's like we're so focused on whether we like them that we forget to think about whether they're actually good for us. Exactly. And that's how things can go wrong. The book wants us to figure out our top three needs in a relationship. Maybe it's security, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, shared values, you know, or even a sense of adventure, whatever it is, you know.

By knowing what you need, you can be more picky about who you invest your time and energy in. Like having a checklist, but instead of superficial stuff, it's about the things that make you feel loved and fulfilled. And it's not about finding someone who checks every single box. It's about finding someone who meets those core needs and who wants to build a relationship that feels good for both of you. So we've got our Dating Why, our Dating North Star, and our Core Needs list.

What else do we need to keep in mind as we navigate this dating landscape? The book talks about something called the perfect partner equation. Can you break that down for us? Yeah, so this equation goes beyond a typical checklist. It looks at three important things, fundamentals, feelings, and future. Okay, I'm intrigued. What are fundamentals? Fundamentals are those deeper qualities that align with your values and make a good foundation for a relationship that lasts. Things like kindness, integrity, empathy, emotional intelligence.

And a shared sense of humor is good too. It's about finding someone you really admire and respect, not just someone who like makes you laugh. So it's looking pat at initial attraction and asking yourself if they're a good person deep down. Right. Then you have feelings. This is about how you want to feel around your partner. Do you feel safe, secure, inspired, challenged? Maybe. It's about figuring out like the emotional vibe you want in a relationship. That makes a lot of sense. It's not just how they make you feel. It's how you feel when you're with them.

And finally, we have the future. What does that include? Future is about whether you and your partner have similar goals and visions. Do you both want kids? Similar career aspirations? City or country? It's about making sure you're both headed in the same direction. So you're checking for compatibility, not just for now, but for the long haul. Exactly. And the book makes it clear you need all three, fundamentals, feelings, and future, for a relationship that's really fulfilling. This perfect partner equation is a...

Really powerful. It's like a roadmap to a relationship that can actually last it is and it reminds us that choosing a partner is a big deal It's worth taking the time to really figure out if someone's a good fit not just a fun date So we've covered letting go and getting clarity what's next in this five-step framework? The book says it's important to show up authentically when you're dating. Can you explain that? It's so easy to like present this perfect version of ourselves, you know, especially with online dating and

But this book encourages us to ditch that, to be ourselves, to be genuine. Makes sense. It's letting go of the need to be perfect and just letting your true self out. Yeah. And that can be hard, especially if you've been hurt or you're afraid of rejection. But being real, that's how you attract the right people.

That's what the book says. The book shares Maya's story. She was approaching dates like job interviews, like checking off a list of qualities instead of just enjoying the date. Yeah, and that highlights how that whole performance thing can actually get in the way of really connecting. The book says, ask yourself, who am I when no one's watching? And then bring that person to your dates. It's like ditch the script and be yourself. And yeah, it can be scary, but it's also really freeing when you're not trying to be someone else.

You can connect with people who actually like you for you. And that leads us to vulnerability, right? Yeah, we often think of vulnerability as a weakness, but this book sees it as a strength. It's about sharing your real thoughts and feelings, even the messy ones, to create a deeper connection. It's taking a chance on being seen, even when it feels scary. It's about letting your guard down and letting someone in, even if it means, you know, you could get hurt. That takes courage. It does. But the payoff is huge.

When we let ourselves be vulnerable, we can connect on a deeper level. We create space for the other person to be vulnerable too, and that's where the magic happens. That's beautiful. So we've talked about being authentic, being vulnerable. What's next? The next step is investing appropriately. This is about being smart with your time and energy. Knowing the difference between someone who's fun to date and

and someone who could be a great partner. Okay, but how do you tell the difference? I think a lot of us, you know, struggle with that. It's not always easy, especially beginning. But the book has some tools that can help. One idea is this fail-fast mentality. Fail-fast. That sounds kind of harsh. Maybe, but it can really change your thinking. Instead of agonizing over whether to give someone another chance, you trust your gut and move on if you see signs that it's not going to work.

So it's acknowledging that not every connection is meant to last. You don't have to force it. Exactly. And it's not about getting up easily. It's about respecting your own time and energy. I like that.

Being intentional with your choices and not settling for less than you deserve. And the book has this tool called the date lens. It helps you separate what makes someone a fun date from what makes them a good long-term partner. Oh, that sounds useful. I've definitely mixed those up in the past. Happens to everyone. The date lens helps you not get carried away by the excitement of a new connection. It reminds you those early dates are just a glimpse. Real compatibility takes time.

So you have to be patient and let the relationship, you know, unfold naturally. Don't jump to conclusions. Exactly. And just because someone's fun to hang out with, that doesn't mean they're the right person to build a life with. So be discerning. Look beyond the initial spark and see if there's real substance. What else can help us know if someone's worth the investment?

The book talks about the only seven things that matter when you're checking out a potential partner. What are those? - These are the non-negotiables. For instance, consistency is crucial. Does your potential partner follow through? Do they show up for you? - That's a big one. If someone's unreliable, it's hard to trust them. - Absolutely. Another important one is whether they bring out the best in you.

Do you feel supported and encouraged when you're with them? Do they inspire you to grow? I love that. A great partner should make you feel like you can do anything. And we can't forget about sexual chemistry. It's not the most important thing, but it's still important in a romantic relationship. Okay, yeah, I agree.

And then there's this thing the book calls it the Sunday test. Can you just chill with this person on a Sunday? Like just hang out, enjoy each other's company, even if you don't have plans. Oh, I love that. It's being able to be yourselves together. No need for fancy dates or like constant entertainment. Exactly. It's about enjoying the simple things, those quiet moments of connection, just being comfortable together. So we've got consistency, mutual support, sexual chemistry, and

and being able to just be yourselves together. What are the other three things that matter? Well, another thing to consider is whether you can have fun together. Can you laugh? Be silly? Create joyful experiences? Life's too short to be with someone who takes themselves too seriously. Yes, life should be an adventure and your partner should be someone you can share it with. Absolutely. And then can you have those like tough conversations? Can you disagree respectfully? Work through conflict. Every couple has disagreements.

And you need to know you can handle those together. That's so true. Communication is key, especially when things get tough. And the last thing on the list is whether you can be yourself completely without holding back.

Do you feel safe being vulnerable, sharing your thoughts and feelings without being judged or rejected? That's the foundation of any good relationship, feeling safe and accepted for who you are. Exactly. When you can be your true self, that's where the real connection happens. So it's consistency, supporting each other, sexual chemistry, shared fun, tough conversations, and freedom to be yourself. Those are some pretty solid criteria. They are. And the book really emphasizes those as the things that matter most in the long run.

You know, focus on those core qualities that make a strong connection, not the superficial stuff. Okay, I'm ready to ditch my old checklist and focus on these seven things. What else does the book cover in this investing appropriately phase? I remember something about being the CEO of your own love life. What's that all about? It's about taking control of your dating life. You make conscious choices about who you let in,

You decide who gets your time and energy. You don't just sit around waiting for someone else to, like, run the show. It's about embracing your power, making choices that align with your values, what you want. I love that. It's about stepping up and taking charge. And not being afraid to scare away the wrong people. We often try to be what we think other people want. But this book says be yourself. Don't apologize for it. And by doing that, you filter out the people who aren't a good fit.

It's about attracting the right people by being your true self, not trying to please everyone. And yeah, it can be scary to put yourself out there like that. But it's the only way to find real love. That's what the book says. So we've covered letting go, gaining clarity, showing up authentically and investing appropriately. What's the last step in this process of becoming more dateable? The final step is perseverance. It's about sticking with it, knowing that

Finding love is often more like a marathon, not a sprint. Staying committed, even when it's hard or you feel discouraged. So it's about not giving up, even when dating feels like an upper battle. Exactly. You're going to have bad dates. People are going to ghost you. You might even get your heart broken.

But the book reminds us that those experiences don't define us. They're just opportunities to learn and grow, to become better partners. The book shares Julie's story. She just ended a long, messy relationship and she was feeling down. Then she gets a message from a psychic who says, you know, your person is just around the corner. And the psychic's advice, just keep going. Amazing, right? It's like this message of hope for all of us who are out there looking for love. It's a reminder that even when it feels like we've been searching forever, we're still

The right person is out there. You just gotta keep going. It's about having hope, having faith, and believing that it's all gonna work out, even when it's tough. And it's about having a support system. The book talks about building a love army, those friends, family, maybe a therapist who are there for you no matter what. They can remind you of your worth, offer advice, and just listen when you need to vent. It's a reminder that we're not alone in this. And you have to be careful who you let in, you know? What do you mean? Not everyone needs to be in the front row of your dating life.

It's about surrounding yourself with people who are supportive, who believe in love, and who want the best for you. So create a positive environment for your heart, for your love life. Exactly. And sometimes that means like creating some distance with people who are negative or who just bring you down. It's about protecting your heart and

and making space for love. That's such a good point. We can't control who we meet, but we can choose who we let influence us. Absolutely. And that leads us to another strategy from the book, understanding your dating deal breakers. Deal breakers. Those are the non-negotiables, right? The things you just won't put up with. Yeah. And the book wants us to be really clear about our deal breakers, big and small, what's truly important.

What values and qualities are you not willing to compromise on, no matter how charming someone might seem? So setting standards and not settling for less than you deserve. And it's good to remember that those deal breakers might change over time. What was a deal breaker in your 20s might not be a big deal in your 30s.

You know, stay open to new possibilities, but always be true to yourself. This is so insightful. I feel like I'm really learning a lot about myself and what I truly want. That's what's great about this book. It's not just about finding a partner. It's about getting to know yourself. Okay, I'm ready to ditch my old dating habits and start using these strategies. Before we wrap up this part, is there anything else from the book you want to highlight? I think the main takeaway is empowerment. How to be dateable reminds us that we have the power to create the love lives we want.

We don't have to wait for love to find us. We can create the right conditions for it to grow. So it's about taking control and making choices that, you know, fit with your values and your goals. Exactly. And realizing you're worthy of love and you have the power to attract the kind of relationship you want. That's so inspiring. It reminds us that we're not just players in the dating game. You know, we can actually write our own love stories. And the book wants us to enjoy the ride, you know, embrace the whole journey. Dating can be tough sometimes.

But it can also be exciting. And ultimately, it can lead us to that special someone. It's about believing it's all going to work out even when it feels like you've been searching forever. And about online dating. The book has some good advice about that, especially in today's world. Oh, online dating. It's a whole different world. What does the book say about that?

The book knows that online dating could be, like, overwhelming, but it also says it could be a good way to meet people, especially if you use it the right way. So it's not just mindlessly swiping left and right. Right. Put some thought into your profile. Choose pictures that really show who you are. Write a bio that reflects your personality. So put your best foot forward, but be genuine. Exactly. And be picky about who you connect with. Read those profiles. Look for shared values and interests.

Start conversations that actually mean something. Treat online dating like you're actually meeting people in real life, not just playing a game. And set boundaries. Don't feel like you have to respond to everyone or go on a date with everyone who messages you. You get to choose. So take control of your online dating experience. Don't let it control you. And remember, online dating isn't the only way to find love.

Be open to meeting people through friends, hobbies, just by chance. I love that. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Speaking of eggs, the book has a really interesting part about the biological clock and how it affects dating, especially for women. That's a big topic, especially for a woman in their 30s and 40s. What does the book say about it? It acknowledges that the biological clock is real, but it also wants us to question all the pressure and expectations around it.

Every woman's experience is different. There's no right time to have kids. So it's about honoring your own timeline, making choices that feel right for you, not what society tells you to do. Exactly. And be honest with yourself and your partners about what you want.

If having kids is a must-have for you, say so early on. That's so important. Honesty is key in any relationship. Absolutely. And the book says there's no shame in wanting kids, just like there's no shame in not wanting them. Do what feels right for you. It's about owning your choices, not letting fear or pressure dictate your life. And remember, a woman's worth isn't tied to her ability to have children. We are so much more than that. That's so powerful. We are whole and complete no matter what. And the book encourages women to embrace...

their femininity, their sensuality, their power. Own your desires, express your needs, and create relationships that feel balanced.

This conversation is so empowering. I feel like I'm getting a whole new perspective on dating. Me too. And that's what makes how to be dateable so special. It's not just about finding a partner. It really is. It gives you so many like practical tools and insights. You know, going back to those three takeaways, being intentional, designing our love lives, and choosing to believe what really stuck with you. Was there one that, you know, just really clicked? You know, for me, it's that emphasis on self-love. That whole idea of like filling your own cup first.

You can't really share your life with someone else until you've done that. You know, it's something I'm working on. And honestly, I think it's a game changer for dating. I totally get that. It's easy to like look for someone to complete you, but you have to be, you know, whole on your own first. Exactly. And how to be dateable really makes that clear. It's not about changing yourself for someone else.

It's about being the best you so you can attract someone who comes right for the real you. Speaking of becoming the best version of ourselves, the book has this whole section on strategies and insights. Can you give us highlights? There's so much good stuff in there, it's hard to choose. But one that always stays with me is...

Rewriting those negative stories we tell ourselves about dating. Can you give us an example? What kind of stories? Oh, we all have them. Those little voices that say I'm not good enough or never find anyone. You know, maybe you've had some bad dates and you start thinking you're just unlucky in love or a past relationship hurt you and you're still carrying that baggage. Oh, I know those voices. They can get pretty loud. Yeah.

But the book says we can fight back, challenge those negative stories, and swap them for something positive. So instead of saying, I'll never find anyone, you say, I'm open to love. The right person is out there. It's about changing your perspective, focusing on the good. What other strategies are in there? Another one I really like is the date lens. It helps you see the difference between a good date and a good partner. Ooh, that's a good one. I know I've definitely confused those two before. It happens. But the date lens helps you see things clearly. Think about the date.

Did you feel heard? Did you have stuff in common? Was there a real connection? So look past the surface stuff, the fancy dinner, the witty conversation, and see if there's a real connection. Exactly. The book reminds us that a fun date doesn't equal a good partner. Someone might be great to go out with, but not have what it takes for a real relationship. That's important. So the date lens helps you keep a clear head and make good choices about who you spend your time with.

what other strategies really stood out? - One that's really relevant these days is understanding and managing attachment styles. - You mentioned those before, can you remind us what they are? - Sure. Attachment theory says our childhood experiences, especially early on, shape how we relate to people as adults. Now there are four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. - And how does knowing your attachment style help you when you're dating? - It helps you understand your own patterns, how you react in relationships. Say you're anxious in relationships.

You might always be looking for reassurance or feeling insecure about your partner's feelings. I can see how that would make dating difficult. It can, but when you understand your attachment style, you can start to see those patterns. And then you can work on developing healthier ways of coping.

The book has strategies for each style to help you date with more self-awareness and confidence. So it's about knowing yourself, your needs, so you can build better relationships. Exactly. Take ownership of your emotional baggage and

And don't let it ruin your chances at finding love. This book is full of so much wisdom. It's like emotional intelligence for dating. It really is. I appreciate that it goes deeper than just like surface level tips and nurse. It really digs into the emotional work you need to do to build lasting relationships. Speaking of emotional work, the book talks about figuring out your dating why and your dating North Star. Can you remind us what those are and why they're important?

Absolutely. You're dating. Why is your reason for dating? Why are you doing this? What are you looking for? Companionship, belonging, someone to go on adventures with, something totally different.

It's like defining your purpose for dating. Yeah. And once you know that, you can figure out your dating North Star. That's your dating why, plus your core needs, all rolled into one. It's your guide in the crazy world of dating. It helps you stay focused on what you really want. So it's about having a vision for your love life and using that vision to make choices. Exactly. And the book says your dating North Star should be something exciting, inspiring, something that keeps you motivated, inspiring.

even when dating gets tough. It's like a compass that points you towards your dreams. I love that. And it's not just about finding a partner. It's about building a life you love, a life that feels real and fulfilling, no matter what your relationship status is. That's such a good point. You have to find happiness within yourself, not rely on someone else to give it to you. Exactly. And when you do that, when you build a life you love,

you become more attractive to potential partners. You just, you know, radiate confidence and joy. And people are drawn to that. It's like that saying, what you seek is seeking you. Yes. And the book also talks about challenging how we think about love. What do you mean by that? We're always seeing these perfect versions of love, the fairy tales, the soulmates, the idea that love is easy and you're always happy.

The book wants us to look beyond that to embrace a more realistic view of love. So it's not all like roses and champagne. Those things are nice, but they're not what makes a relationship last.

Real love is about commitment, communication, compromise. It's about being willing to work through the hard times together. It's about choosing to love someone, even when it's not easy, even when they're not perfect, even when you're frustrated. It's seeing the good in the imperfections, you know, the strength in the vulnerabilities. It's about love that lasts through the ups and downs. Exactly. And it's realizing that love is an action, not just a feeling.

You choose to love someone every day through what you say, what you do, and your commitment to them. That's powerful. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. And it's a choice you make over and over again. Speaking of choices, the book talks about building a love army. Can you explain what that is? Your love army is your support system. The people who are there for you no matter what.

your family, friends, maybe a therapist, anyone who gives you love, encouragement, and someone to listen. Like a cheerleading squad for your love life. Exactly. And you need those people, especially when dating is hard. They remind you that you're worthy of love, they offer advice, and they just listen when you need it. It's a reminder that we don't have to go through this alone. And you have to be intentional about who you let into that inner circle. What do you mean? Not everyone needs to know all the details of your dating life.

Surround yourself with people who are positive, who support you, and who believe you can find love. So you're creating a safe, supportive environment for your heart. Exactly. And sometimes that means setting boundaries with people who are negative or bring you down. Protect your heart. Make space for love.

Such a good reminder. You can't choose who you meet, but you can choose who you let into your life. Absolutely. That brings us to another strategy from the book, figuring out your dating deal-breakers. Deal-breakers, those are the things you absolutely won't tolerate, right? Right. And the book says to be really clear about those deal-breakers.

So you're setting standards for yourself, not settling. This is so helpful. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and what I want. That's what I love about this book.

It's not just a dating guide. It's about self-discovery. Okay, I'm ready to get rid of my old dating habits. Try these strategies. Is there anything else from the book that you really want to highlight before we wrap up this part? One thing that really stuck with me is that focus on personal responsibility.

The book says we have the power to create the love lives we want. We're not just victims of circumstance. We can create our own romantic destinies. So it's not about waiting for love to happen. It's about taking action and making choices that get you closer to what you want. Exactly. And it's about taking responsibility for your own happiness. You can't expect someone else to make you happy if you're not happy with yourself. That's true.

Happiness comes from within. And when you're happy, you're more likely to attract someone who's also happy. You give off good vibes, and that attracts people. It does, and it's about choosing love. You know, every day you make choices that either help you find love or get in the way. So be mindful of your choices and make sure they align with your desire for a loving relationship. Exactly. Choose love in everything you do, your thoughts, your words, your actions, and your relationships.

That's beautiful. I think that's a great place to end this part of our discussion. I agree. I can't wait to dive into the last part of the book and talk about its message of hope and possibility. Me too. I'm ready to learn how to design our love lives and build the relationships of our dreams.

OK, so we're back ready for the final part of how to be dateable. And the last two parts we've you know, we've really dug into a lot of great info from this love crisis to letting go of those, you know, negative thoughts to figuring out what we really want in our love lives. Yeah, it's been a journey. And now we're at like the heart of the book. You design your love life. That really resonated with me. It's like taking everything we've learned and actually using it. You know, we're not just waiting for love to happen. We're building the love lives we want.

Exactly. It's about realizing like we actually have control over our romantic destinies. We're not just, you know, sitting around hoping love will find us. We can create the environment for love to grow. So it's about taking charge.

making choices that line up with our goals and our values and putting ourselves out there. Exactly. Be intentional about who you date, how you date, and what kind of relationship you want to create. And the book gives us three key takeaways, right? Can you remind us what they are? The first one is be intentional, not attached. Approach dating with a purpose. Know what you want.

But also, don't try to force the outcome. So make choices with intention, but don't get hung up on a specific result. Exactly. You can't force someone to like you or to fall in love. You can only be yourself and let things happen naturally. Makes sense. It's about trusting the process, right? Believing that the right person will show up eventually. What's the second takeaway? DIY your love life. DIY our love lives. Love that. It's about taking control, creating a love life that really reflects you. Exactly. Forget about all those old dating rules, those societal expectations.

You get to decide what a successful relationship looks like for you. It's based on your values, your wants. It's about building a relationship that works for you, not for like society or social media. Exactly. Get rid of those limiting beliefs and create something real, something that truly represents you. So freeing. What about the last takeaway? The last one, and maybe the most important one, is to choose to believe in love. That's beautiful. It's about staying positive and keeping the faith.

even when it's hard. Yeah. Believe that the right person is out there and that you'll find them. It's about enjoying the ride, the ups and downs, knowing that you'll end up where you're supposed to be. And the book says this,

You look somewhat incredible. It's the healthiest relationship you've ever had, one you designed together. Wow, that gives me chills. It's so hopeful, so full of possibility. It's saying that we can find the love we want and that the work we do now is leading us there. It is. It's about being intentional, being self-aware, and choosing to believe in love. This deep dive has been amazing. How to Be Dateable is more than just a dating book. It's like a guide to figuring out who you are

and realizing that you have the power to build the love life you deserve. It really is. And it reminds us that love is a journey. Enjoy the ups and downs, trust the process, and know that it'll all work out in the end.

So as we wrap things up, what's like one last piece of advice based on this book that you would give to our listener? I'd say be kind to yourself. Dating can be tough, but you are worthy of love just as you are. Be vulnerable, put yourself out there and trust that the right person will come along. That's great advice. Be kind to yourself. Be real. Trust the journey. And don't give up on love.

This has been an amazing deep dive. So insightful, so empowering. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. It was my pleasure. I hope this deep dive helps our listener create a love life that's authentic, joyful, and fulfilling. And to our listener, keep exploring the ideas and strategies in How to Be Dateable. This book can really change your love life, maybe even your whole life. So go out there, create your own love story. And until next time, happy dating.