Asexuality: You Can('t) Go Without Sexual Attraction
46:37 Share

Good day, good people. I appreciate you for tuning in to another episode of Imperfectly Phenomenal Woman. I'm Lauren, and in each episode, I chat with different women about limiting beliefs that hold us back from living fully and authentically. So in this episode, I'm talking to Cara Brady, and she chose a topic about asexuality. The limiting belief is you can't lack sexual attractions.

So in the LGBTQIA acronym, the A is asexuality and it represents people who have little or no sexual attraction to others. And so she shares how initially she thought something was wrong with her, how this label actually made her feel more empowered because she finally had a way to describe her experience, how it's impacted her relationships.

and also some resources that could be helpful if you might relate. Before we get into this episode two, I do want to add just one thing. If you feel like something's wrong with you, regardless of what it is, there might just be something that you need to discover. There might not be a cure that you need to find to solve this thing, but there might just be something that you need to discover. Don't just assume that something's wrong with you.

So let's get into it. I always let guests introduce themselves first by sharing what brings them joy as a way for you to get to know their spirit. So here is Cara, and this is what brings her joy. What's really been bringing me joy lately is laughing with my brother. Ah, yes, I love it. We have...

Yeah, we've recently reconnected. He's helped me a lot in the past few months with my big move across the country and everything. So we haven't seen each other in quite a few years, really. And now we've spent the last few months together. And we just laugh all of the time. I love that. And it's been really enjoyable for me. Is it an older brother or younger brother? He's an older brother. He's eight years older than me. So we grew up in the same household.

When I was younger, he was like a teenager, right? So I was not cool enough to be around him too often. But then we got older and started to connect a little more, but we were always living in different places. So it's been a coming together that's been really cool. And I think we're both really benefiting from it. So it's really awesome. Got it.

Yeah, I have one older brother. Mine is seven years older. So I totally get the when you were younger. I know. I remember by the time I was in bed, he was just getting home. And when I would wake up, he had already gone to school. So like, yeah, yeah. So we didn't have any kind of relationship when I was younger. But now I swear that is my homie man. Yeah.

That is my homie. And usually when I ask people the joy question, people will say like, my kids have been bringing me joy or my spouse is bringing me joy. People rarely say siblings. And this weekend, two people have said siblings. My heart is just so full. It's in the air. Yes. I love that so much. So thank you for sharing. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thanks for asking. Of course. So I feel like people got to know you a bit better. We can jump to the actual topic.

So each week I talk to different women about limiting beliefs that hold us back from living fully and authentically. I feel like it's good for us to just talk through the things that we've experienced in our life and then we can shift our mindset around some of these things that have like held us back in our lives. So in this case, you chose the topic asexuality. You can't lack sexual attraction. And so why did you choose that topic?

I would say I chose it because it's the biggest revelation I've ever had in my 32 years on this planet. And it's pretty recent as well. So it kind of felt fitting that you had reached out about this podcast and the topics of limiting beliefs in general. I think this one is by far the biggest one that I have come to terms with in my lifetime, especially because it's

something I didn't even know about for most of my life. And I'm finding the more I talk to people, it's something that hardly anyone knows about. So, so it's a, it's an interesting limiting belief to me because it's a, it's almost invisible. You know, it's a lot of people who don't know anything about it, who may be experiencing some of it themselves and they just have never heard of it. So I think it's particularly interesting to chat about. Yeah. Cool. Cool.

So in what you've learned so far, like what does asexuality mean? Since so many, like a lot of people don't know what it means. Can you explain a bit about your understanding of what it is?

Sure. I will throw out a disclaimer first. Of course. I am by no means any sort of expert on the topic. I've done my own personal research and tried to read books and listen to podcasts and watch movies and all these things to try to learn from said experts, but I will just state that I'm not one of them. So everything I share is just personal understanding from what I have delved into so far. But

On a base level, the definition of asexuality is a person who does not experience sexual attraction to anyone. And so the flip side of that, which a lot of people obviously have experience with but may not have ever put a name to it, a person who does experience sexual attraction to others is known as an allosexual. Oh, okay.

Right. So I would, I assume I'll use those terms in this conversation. So it's good to put that out there. So an allosexual would be somebody who does, you know, look at another person and think, oh, well, I would love to engage in some sexual activity. Yeah.

I love how formal that was. Oh, wow. I would love to engage in some sexual activity. Exactly. Yeah, it's not always so formal, but that's the gist of it. And so an asexual person just doesn't even experience that. It's not a conscious choice. It's not like, for this, that, or the other reason, I'm not going to do that with that person. It's literally that that...

That thought process, that feeling, that attraction just isn't there. It doesn't happen. Yeah. All right. And it is quite a large umbrella that I've learned. So there are just numerous micro labels under asexuality. So there are people who experience it sometimes.

some people who experience it very rarely but it does happen once in a while under certain senses so there's a lot of micro labels under that as well and then what I've also really enjoyed is there's a separation of all of these different aspects of our lives like sexual attraction is just one but there's still romantic attraction and there's still aesthetic attraction so there's a lot of

Yeah, there's a lot of like puzzle pieces that you can piece together to kind of describe yourself. And what I've really liked and when I talk to people who are, you know, there's some people who are very hesitant to put labels on things because they feel like it puts them in a box. Whereas when I have learned about this topic, I have really felt empowered by the labels because it's like,

just explaining my experience, you know, like how weird would the world be if you could never tell someone you were hungry when you're hungry? It doesn't mean you're always hungry. It doesn't mean like anything except for you're describing your current state of being. Right. So with these labels, I'm finally for the first time in my 32 years able to accurately describe my experience as a human being.

And to realize that I just never even had the words before to do that was really eye-opening. It's almost like I had a moment of like, wow, nobody even knows me, actually. Because you didn't know yourself. Yeah, I've never been able to describe myself and how I walk through the world. So all of that has been really eye-opening and really fun and scary at times. But ultimately...

I think really meaningful. And I am thankful for finally coming to the realization. Yeah. Well, so when you were growing up, what was your understanding of like what your relationship to sex was supposed to be?

So this has been, all of this has been really exciting to kind of look back on and think retrospectively, right? So I know I'm a Disney person through and through. I love all of the Disney movies, grew up into all of the princess movies, right? So I have grown up knowing that I wanted this super romantic, like,

heterosexual coming together of these two people. I have just always known that that's what I am looking forward to.

So I grow up, I get into, you know, middle school, high school, everyone starts having crushes. I was able to feel crushes just like anybody else, right? I fell head over heels, head over heels was so into, you know, whoever his name is. And, you know, actually, I was recently reading through some diaries from back in the day. Oh, I love that. Scary. How

If you have one that you can read a passage from, I would be totally here for it. Oh,

Oh my God, I totally do. I'd have to decide like what would be most interesting, but I definitely, I definitely do. And it was just like super huge feelings of like really being into this one person. Right. So I definitely was able to experience that kind of thing. And then, you know, getting into this like junior high, high school time, that's when things start to get sexual, right.

And so I can tell from my writing that I was willing to engage in these sexual acts that other people were expressing that they were doing. But it was also very clear that like, one, I had no idea what I was doing. Two, I had no idea why people were doing this. I would definitely be like, ugh.

this was, I don't, that wasn't really that cool. And then when I would express that, I kind of like was like, I would get made fun of for it. You know, it'd be like, Oh, you know, Kara, she just, she has no idea what she's doing and all this stuff. Like it was,

So I think through those experiences, it was presented to me that, you know, the sexual activity part is essential. You know, like you're not going to get anywhere with these crushes that you have unless you're willing to, one, get into those sexual situations and, two, start to become good at them. So then I continued on experimenting with that and trying to make that happen.

Then I got older, I would say, you know, in college was where I obviously had far more independence. I was living in the dorms. I was partying a lot, going out with a lot of people. That's where I really was trying to figure it out. And that's when I discovered that I could not bring myself to do anything sexual unless heavy amounts of alcohol were involved.

And that was the only time that I could even let myself think that it wasn't like the worst thing in the world that I had to do. Wow. So then I would say in college, you know, with my super close friends who are roommates, they obviously were close enough to see the struggle. So that's where the conversation started happening of there is obviously something that sets me apart.

from the experience of other people around me my same age, what is it? So in college was the first time that it was like, what's wrong with Kara? Let's figure this out. And then I mean, we had so many discussions of like, vaginismus. And I'm trying to figure that out, which is, you know, like a kind of a physical reaction in your body where it just doesn't let it doesn't let sexual activity happen. And I

I was like, I don't know. I mean, I continued to engage in these flirtations. I guess that was what was most confusing for me because I was like, I'm definitely attracted to guys. I love them. I love getting into crushes. I love that whole sparkle of liking somebody and not knowing what's going to happen next. I loved that part.

And so that was really confusing for me. Like, that's what made me, you know, lean towards maybe it is something physical. I actually would go to the doctor and be like, can you look down there and like, tell me what's wrong? And it's so interesting because I keep hearing, um,

Like the word wrong. Yeah. And then even earlier when it might have been like middle school or high school, when you would tell people that I just wasn't really into it. And then everybody's trying to figure out, OK, like something's wrong with you. Absolutely. I think that's just so interesting that that word wrong keeps coming up.

Yeah, yeah. And I think that's intentional for me right now in the description of the story because I think that's one of the most important parts. And because I grew up and experienced life in a world where I was this person who just straight up is not normal, just has no experience the same as anybody else around me. I literally could not find a single person who felt the same way that I did.

And so what's the natural conclusion of that is that everybody else is right. And I'm wrong. So I, you know, walked through the world that way for a very long time. I eventually, you know, graduated college, uh,

moved abroad actually for my first job outside of college. So then again, took that kind of independence. What can I figure out whether no one from home is even going to figure it, you know, or they're never going to hear about it. Right. So I, again, engaged in this crush that was hit me hard and fast. You know, the first time I saw this person and then,

I'm engaged in all the heteronormative, like, ways that a relationship develops. And I'm like, okay, this is it. You know what? I'm, like, really into this person. I think they're really attractive. I'm having so much fun. Like, all systems or, you know, all signs point to, like, this is going to happen.

And then it gets to sexual activity and it's exactly the same. It's not enjoyable. It's like nothing that I want to do. And it ruined, unfortunately for me, it ruins that relationship. Like it becomes, it turns this thing that I was so excited about into something that I really would love to just run as fast as possible away from. And then I would say my most recent relationship is,

which was also my longest relationship was a really interesting example in trying every possible thing to force something to work and

And then having to realize that it's just not going to happen. And that's a really hard, hard realization to have. And so this person gave me the space to try to figure out what was going on, removed the pressure of making it happen and gave me the room to figure it out. And so this is the relationship where I

picked up books, I listened to podcasts, I jumped into all of these things and really was trying to be like, okay, there's just some secret lock. I don't have the key yet. But one of these things is going to give me the key and I'm going to unlock it. And it's going to be like a light bulb that goes off and just like everything will be better. And when I got into it, I think probably, probably that I

that group that I got into where I was consistently talking about female sexuality, every meeting, that one was probably the most helpful for me because it really made me realize that the problem is,

If we want to, you know, call it a problem. Now I wouldn't call it a problem, but at the time the problem was not me within myself by myself. Right. I had no problem talking about masturbation talk like buying, you know, they would, they would be like, okay, buy this toy and buy this and try that. I'll do all of that. I'm fine with all of that. As long as I am at home in my house by myself and there is no possible reason

way that somebody else would even come through the door. So one part of it is that when you see people, you just have no desire for sex. Another part of that is when you are having sex, it just doesn't feel good with a partner. And then when you're by yourself, then sometimes it feels good. Are those the three things? Yeah, I mean, in my case, make sure I'm understanding right.

Yeah, in my case, it would be when I'm by myself every time feels good. Because libido, right, libido and physical response to a sexual stimuli is different than your attraction to another person. And so it's not that like, when I'm by myself, I'm attracted to myself. It's like, it just means that you can separate how your body functions from what your body is attracted to. So

And that's not to say that every asexual person does masturbate. There are people who don't even do that. I'm just not one of those people. And then, so I think it was in that cohort that I really was like, this is not a problem I have for me within myself by myself. It is only ever an issue.

when someone else becomes involved because then there's this like expectation that I have to do this thing that everybody's, everybody seems to be into. And now it was also really disheartening for me to, to have this internal struggle of like, I want the, the,

I want the romantic coupledom, right? I want that, like, I want having your person. I want the relationship. I want the living together. I want the always having somebody to do stuff with. And it's really unfortunate for me that in order to do that, I'm going to have to do this thing that I really would rather not do ever again. And so that obviously created a lot of internal struggle for me.

And then it also admittedly, you know, my partner was really struggling as well. And I think that's also worth mentioning because as much as an asexual person deserves to not have to be forced to have sex, if they don't want to, an allosexual person deserves to be having the sex that they want to be having. So I think it's a, it's two sides of a coin here that, you know, he also, he's a very sexual person. He was not getting what he needed in this relationship either. Right.

And he was doing his best to give me the space to figure it out. I was doing my best to figure it out and it wasn't happening. And so ultimately, and unfortunately, I think a lot of that sort of just these two things are not working cause both of us to have reactions to each other that really deteriorated their relationship in the end. You know, we started as best friends, which again,

in retrospect, now I understand that our relationship started as something which is actually what I really needed, which is a platonic friendship. - Within this process, 'cause this is a lot of self-discovery for yourself, I always like to go to self-acceptance after that. At what point did you hear the term asexuality and then have that epiphany moment? Where did that come from for you?

That's a really great question. And I've tried to think about it. Yeah. And I have some context clues, but I don't actually remember the exact moment when I read the word and I read the definition and it clicked. However, I can say that

I did not start heavily considering myself asexual, talking about it to other people, kind of really wrapping my head around this realization until 2022. And yet...

I was living in Austin and I had an account for the library where I could like, you know, borrow ebooks and stuff. And I logged back into that account after it had been so long. And I had bookmarked asexuality books in 2018. Interesting. Yeah.

So I guess. So like unconsciously, subconsciously, you kind of knew. There's a reason that I discovered that word in 2018 and was not able to start talking to people about it until 2022. And that reason is fear. So I read that definition. It clicked like nothing else ever has. Like, oh, yeah.

that's obviously me and then I continued reading about it and found out that it's like at the time I think maybe they've updated the statistics but not by much and you know the pretty well-known statistic is that it's probably 1% of the population that identifies as asexual but the hard thing about that is you have to self-identify no one can label you right

Y'all know I like to jump in the middle of episodes to share a little something something from time to time. I want to share a post from the Evian.Whitney Instagram. So it says, if you've ever felt guilty for not having a high sex drive, if you felt pressure to have sex more than you actually want, if you felt like you had to be someone you're sexually not in order to belong and be loved, then

Congratulations, you've been oppressed by compulsory sexuality. Compulsory sexuality is the pervasive belief that everyone is sexual, that wanting slash having sex is a biological obligation, and that desire slash attraction is a universal experience. And if you deviate from those norms, quote unquote, there's something wrong with you.

Some ways compulsory sexuality shows up: virgin and late bloomer shaming, the idea that a relationship is only real if you've consummated it, saying yes to sex you'd rather say no to, pressure to be a nympho in order to be truly sexually liberated if you're a woman/femme, if you're a man or mask,

pressure to be a sexual virtuoso in order to be a worthy partner, no room for fluctuating desire as you age or life happens, the idea that there's something wrong with you if sex is not a priority,

or the invalidation and invisibilizing of asexual folks. Asexuality is pathologized because society can't fathom that someone would deprioritize or completely opt out of sex. The idea is that sex is such a crucial part of overall happiness, health, and a thriving relationship, and if one divests from that, surely they must be unwell.

Compulsory sexuality has influenced every part of my life, from feeling ostracized by my friends for not going all the way, and like I have to validate my relationships by having sex to overriding my body and...

coming this close to seeking medical intervention for my low libido. My entire sexual liberation journey, I internalized that there was something wrong with me, that my hormones were off, that I hadn't healed enough, that I just needed more sexual confidence.

But all of my sexual issues were manufactured and amplified by compulsory sexuality. They write more on their page, so go check it out if you must. Going back to what has been said multiple times in this episode about feeling like something is wrong with you, there may not be something wrong. There may just be something you still need to discover. So continue your process of self-discovery and I wish you the best.

speaking to your friends about it for the first time. I had a whole like coming out. Who'd you come out to? My first, the first person I ever told was a really close friend of mine in Austin, a female friend. I kind of, we were like at the pool or something. And I was like, just drinking a mug. Like, Hey, by the way, yeah, by the way, I'd like to run something behind it, see how it goes. And she was super respect, super receptive and,

She, you know, maybe had not fully known what it was, but she was 100% receptive to like hearing about it. I have another friend who I told also kind of privately, maybe there was like another two girls around who I'd already told, but she, you know, with all great intentions, she

said some of the stereotypical things that asexuals hear that are actually kind of upsetting. And so she, you know, and that was her knee-jerk reaction. Her knee-jerk reaction was,

something's wrong like it was it was just like are you sure you know have maybe just haven't met the right person like that's that's a very common response but to her credit at the same time where she had that knee-jerk reaction which wasn't the best she was also extremely quick to flip that around and be like oh never mind what i just said like tell me okay that's interesting

yeah good self-awareness at least yes absolutely she was very good at that and then I as I mentioned had a girls night where there was a ton of girls at my house and I like announced it like a speech at some sort of I can absolutely imagine you doing that like I have something to say

Yeah. And standing up like everyone else, everyone else is sitting down around on multiple couches and chairs and you just stand up like. So I've been doing a lot of research. Exactly. I am amazed at what I have found. I'm sure maybe like maybe someone out there can relate to me, maybe not everyone. And I know, you know, it's an individual hidden thing, but I've discovered that I'm asexual.

Exactly. That is almost word for word how I went down. And thankfully, I had surrounded myself with girls who knew me well enough to know that like, I'm not making this shit up. If I really, if I came to this conclusion, and I feel the need to announce it like this. Yeah, like, she's serious. Sounds like a TV show.

Yeah. I feel like this could be turned into a show like about a woman discovering she's asexual and then how to navigate that. That's a, that's a, that's show worthy. Yeah.

Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time an aspect of my life was show or movie worthy. So maybe it needs to happen. I can totally see this. It would be it would be brilliant. Netflix, Netflix one day. I wasn't living in the same area as my mom. And I really wanted to tell her in person. And I was trying to figure out like, can you come to Austin? Can I go see you? Wow. This was a whole show coming out.

It was, which is, again, like, I knew it would be. And that was, again, part of that fear of, like, Jesus, am I really going to do this? But why did you want to tell her? Why did you feel the need to tell your mom or want to tell her? Oh, because I just don't need her, like, waiting around expecting me to jump into another relationship. I see. Yeah.

and also she she knew i had already had the discussion with her that i felt different and was struggling and was like i actually unfortunately kind of had the whole mother-daughter like blame situation where i was like you didn't teach me enough about sex and you didn't do this and you didn't do that when it's like i so i felt like i kind of had to be like hey sorry it's like your fault um so uh a

ultimately she was not going to travel and I don't even know why I didn't but ultimately we came a phone conversation which I thought was going to be really scary and her reaction was yeah I've known that since high school and I was like what? She was like well I didn't know the word for it I didn't know that that was like a thing but like I have known since high school that you have always surrounded yourself by people who didn't want to have sex with you.

A little late. Wish you would have spoke up a little earlier, Mom. Yeah. And then, of course, she is conservative, so she did have to throw in the, well, at least if you're, as long as you're not one of those LGBTQs. Of course. I was like...

Sorry to tell you, there's actually an I and an A at the end, and I'm the A. And she was like, ugh. Like, not happy, but also, what are you going to do? That is hilarious. Yeah, that's a whole aspect of it. And I've seen in the community that a lot of people choose not to tell people. They don't have it coming out. But I think for me personally in my life, I...

have kept everyone at such an arm's length different or distance. And I don't, that's not the person I want to be. And now I've realized that I do that so that there's no mistaking that like, I'm gonna do anything, you know, like, so I keep everyone at a distance. And so for me coming out was kind of really like retracting those arms. I love that. So that people can know me more. I'm so glad that you added that in there.

Yeah. That's going to be very helpful. Somebody listening to this podcast is likely asexual. So I thank you on behalf of them for uncovering something that they didn't know about themselves. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I can be really helpful to people who identify even in the slightest way. So and what I mean by that is I had talked earlier about how there's a lot of micro labels. One of them is demisexual. Okay. Which is a lot of people who just didn't know that that's what there was a word for it.

So to be demisexual means that you're only sexually attracted to someone after you have developed an emotional connection with them. Like I know so many people who are demisexual, but they just didn't know that there was a word for it. So these are all the people who cannot go out to a club and meet somebody and feel attracted and then engage. Has no problem engaging once they've met somebody, they've talked, they've gone on a few dates, they like really feel like they know the person.

a sexual active or a sexual relationship can develop from there i've attempted to do like the go to the club thing before i remember that day i like shaved i was like ready i was like i'm going to do a one night stand and then i was like who the fuck do i think i am like that is not me i like need that connection with someone before i do anything

Yeah. And so there's, I mean, I'm sure there's so many, there's countless people who identify that way. They just don't even know it. They just don't know that there's a word for it. And they don't even think of themselves as being different than an allosexual. But truthfully, an allosexual can go out to the club and be sexually attracted to someone immediately and has no qualms about going home with them and having a one night stand and being fine with it.

I actually wanted to, it's been interesting to what, have you watched Wednesday? Not yet. So we all know Wednesday Adams, right? Personality. And I've seen in my, you know, coming now and part of communities on Facebook. And so that's, this is where there's a lot of ideas bouncing around where I've seen, there's a lot of talk currently about how this version of Wednesday is

demonstrates a lot of qualities of an asexual person. So, you know, there's, I will not spoil anything, but there, there is obvious, there's interest in her and she is very clearly not interested. I could totally see Wednesday as being asexual. Yeah. And she, and she's very clearly not only like in a, in a romantic sexual way, but she keeps herself at a different distance from a lot of relationships and

until it's something super meaningful to her. And then at that point she can really engage. And so she does, she does demonstrate a lot of qualities. Obviously nobody who has created the show has said anything here or there solidifying anything. So it's all speculation, but I think just watching that show and seeing how she interacts with people is,

even if she's not asexual, it's very helpful to see that in a visual representation because even to see that, like, not everybody in the world wants or needs or craves this

ultimate picture of heteronormity that every society has been showing to us for so long. I have another question. It makes me think of with like what society expects and shows us. And you probably, I feel like asexual people probably get this question often to the point where it's probably annoying. Do you want to have kids?

I personally don't think I do because the only time it starts to become like something I consider is when I'm in a relationship and then like that other person is talking about it. I see. Yeah.

okay that could kind of be cool like i get i get the whole like two people coming together and they want to create something together and all this stuff so like that's when it starts to be like an idea that i think is okay but when i'm single there is zero to no uh like longing for that there's no like well damn now i'm in a relationship how am i gonna have a kid right you know like i i don't i don't have that within myself when i'm by myself yeah so um and

And I think that is a question that comes up a lot for asexual people. And there is a lot of asexual people who, first of all,

do want kids, second of all, might already have kids because they've already lived their whole life in a heteronormative relationship and they have kids and they're discovering they're asexual when they're 50. So there's definitely a lot of kids already in the mix of this community or plan to be. That could definitely be something. And again, that's something that's totally separate from...

your sexual attraction to others. Oh, absolutely. What's to say that just because you don't experience sexual attraction to another human being that you don't want to be a mother? You know, they're like completely unrelated. It's just an act to get there. Because if you don't, if you don't enjoy having sex, but you don't even have to necessarily engage in it to end up pregnant to have a child. Yeah, true.

But there's also, so there's asexual people who are, again, back to the so many micro labels, but so there's also like sex repulsed and not sex repulsed. So an asexual person who doesn't need sex, but they're not sex repulsed.

They can certainly have sex in order to have a child because they're not opposed to sex. They just personally don't need it. There's a lot of asexual people who are in relationships with allosexuals, like happy relationships, where there's an understanding where one needs sex, one doesn't. But the one who doesn't isn't opposed. So they'll certainly engage in it for the benefit of the other person. It's not a detriment to them.

However, that becomes a challenge for someone who is sex repulsed, which I think I do. I do lean more towards sex repulsed, like again, for myself, not for others. And certainly not. This is another thing that I've, it's been so interesting to think about because I literally love all of the romantic movies, TV shows. And it's, it's, if it's got sex all over it, I'm here for it. Outlander is one of my favorite shows. Yeah.

And that show has quite a lot of sexual activity. And I love that show. And that's because that sexual activity is so far removed from my personal body. Yeah. That's all a okay for me. So it's definitely like my sex propulsion is not all encompassing. It's very specifically for me. And your body. My body.

Yeah, in my body, in my world, like in my like physical-ness. Yeah. So now that you've learned all this stuff about yourself, like what are your messages to yourself now about your body and your being? How have your thoughts shifted about it? I would say that my thought has shifted in that I no longer feel like I have to engage in sexual activity in order to be a functioning human in the world. I...

no longer believe that I have to engage in sexual activity to be in a relationship. It just is unfortunate for me now that it's going to be a bit harder, admittedly, to find a relationship.

And which is fine. I it's not, I'm not a relationship person anyway. Right. I've been in two significant relationships in my whole life. I'm 32. Like I have spent far more years on my own than I have in a relationship. So I am totally fine. If I end up being by myself forever, like that sounds like a scary statement to so many people. And that doesn't sound scary to me. I, I,

I think that being having like a couple of them or having like this other person would be a great addition to my life. It's like a bonus. But it's not necessary. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bonus. It is not necessary. And I think I, you know, was walking through the world before thinking it was necessary and thinking that I would be lacking if I didn't find it. It's like that person would complete you in some way. Exactly. That's how a lot of people think. But I really like this idea of the bonus. Yeah.

instead yeah person would probably feel good being like i don't need you but i want you yeah and that should be better yeah that's huge yeah that should be that should be way better but that's kind of how they say you're like how you should show up to relationships like full as a person not expecting them to give you anything to fill your cup to do any of that stuff um but instead like show up full already and then it's just a beautiful addition yeah yeah

Yeah, and I think that's the point that I've gotten to. And I did want to mention the resources that really helped me at the beginning. Yeah, I wanted to ask about that.

I would say, well, as I mentioned, you know, 2018, obviously I came across something somewhere and had the definition in my head, but that was as far as I could take it. I did so far as to like, look into it to try to see the community I would be joining. And it just, it really frightened me to, to pigeonhole myself as this community that is admittedly different than almost everybody else, because it is really interesting that, you know,

whether you're heterosexual or homosexual, you're all agreeing that you should be fucking something. And so it was like, it was really daunting to me to be like, Oh wow. I'm even, I'm even going so far as to say I'm different than homosexual people. Like, I'm just like, I'm different than everybody. It's like, no matter what you're into, I'm on the outside of that. Cause I'm not into anything. Like that felt really scary at the time. And yeah,

And then I think now really diving into the resources and the communities and seeing and I think things honestly just have come a long way as well. So I started with a book called Ace, What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen.

That was really eye-opening for me because of how big it is. Like I said, it's like, it's not just like, here's asexuality, but it's like, it's really an examination of, of,

why do we all think that, you know, we should be this way? And, and what are the other possibilities? That was really a really nice introduction for me. And then the other one is called The Invisible Orientation, An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker. That one was also really nice as an introduction. And I,

It's also written in a way that I think part of the book is specifically meant for people who do identify as asexual. And the other part of the book is specifically written for people who don't or who may know people who do but aren't themselves. And it's specifically written in a way so that they like...

Yeah, I know you don't feel this way, but you should know that this is how this other person in your life is feeling. That's huge. Obviously talking about this from a female perspective, but there is the reality that there are a lot of males. The pressure that men have for sex is even greater than women. That's what I was going to say. Admittedly, they could be having an even harder time with this because the expectation just from their friends, right? So, you know,

I think I've been part of a lot of really close-knit girl communities. I was the host of Girls' Night in my last town, and I really pride myself on having these open connections with women in my friend circle.

I would say that it's very rare that a woman is going to be like, you have to go have sex with that guy. You know, like they'll encourage you by, by far, you know, but it's not going to be like you have to, whereas a man will be talking to his friends, people who are supposed to love and care for him. And they will literally be like, are you,

You're a pussy. Like, why are you not having sex with this girl? Like, go do it. Or literally, like, you're a loser. You know, like men will have this really directive and harmful pressure on them. And so admittedly, I think asexual men are having a hard time out in the world as well. Absolutely. Imagine that. Yeah.

Well, so at the end of each episode, we always reframe the limiting belief to fit more within our desired reality. And so an example of a reframe might be if I were to say, and I use this all the time, if I'm not married by 30, then I'm a failure. Then I would reframe that to say, I don't have to get married. I can start a partnership at a time that's right for me. The societal timeline isn't real. So like,

fuck the age thing. I got options out here. So in this case, if we're reframing the limiting belief that you can't lack sexual attraction or that you can't be asexual, how would you reframe that to fit more within our desired reality? Yeah. I mean, it's, it's pretty straightforward. I absolutely can be asexual and I am, but I, I can,

go through this world without sexual attraction to other people. And I can still experience very meaningful relationships, be they platonic or romantic. I can walk through the world without this extremely heavy expectation on my shoulders that I need to engage in an activity that I am completely and utterly uncomfortable doing. I can walk

I can build up relationships in my life without this element that I've always been told is essential. This element is not necessarily essential for everyone. Yes. So good. I love that reframe. So good. So if people wanted to connect with you, where can they find you? I am on LinkedIn with my full name, Cara Brady. I'm also on Instagram.com.

I believe my full name is on there as well. It's not that common, so I'm able to use it.

And I'm on Facebook as well. I'm on all the socials. Dope. And y'all already know where you can find me. I am at IP Woman Podcast on Insta, on Twitter. I'm not really posting, but you know, you can still follow me there. Personal page at lauren.e.will. Feel free to check that one out too. Kara, I appreciate you for joining me. Absolutely. Thank you for having me. Of course. And listeners, I will chat with y'all next week. Farewell.

♪