You Can('t) Speak Your Mind
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Good day, good people. I'm grateful that you are tuning in to another episode of Imperfectly Phenomenal Woman. I am Lauren and I started this podcast to help women let go of limiting beliefs because I definitely had and still have plenty of them.

I did over 170 episodes and you'd be surprised how many limiting beliefs there really are in this world. These narratives that we tell ourselves in our mind that hold us back from doing the things that we really want to do.

And so this week I am talking to Jaquisha Moore and she chose limiting belief that you can't speak your mind. So a lot of the time we will constrict ourselves and not fully express who we are. I know I have this particular limiting belief and struggle of really sharing how I feel in some situations.

And so Quisha talks about masking who you are and how you feel for the comfort of others. We talk about communication and romantic relationships. We talk about communication and friendship dynamics, especially like when you're in your 30s. And these friendship dynamics shift just over time. It's inevitable. And we also talk about our own inner dialogue. I've known Quisha forever. Like, known her since sixth grade. So...

Before we record episodes, I usually send out a list of topic options and let people choose what they'd like to speak about, whatever resonates most with them. And so this is Jaquisha. And this is why she chose the limiting belief you can't speak your mind.

For a long time, like, I really couldn't speak my mind. And it's crazy because as we were sitting here talking about granny and your grandma and stuff, it wasn't until, like, my grandma passed that I kind of built this backbone of, I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I feel like saying. Oh, can I curse? Yeah. Oh, great. It was a little too late to ask that question. But, yeah, I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I want to say, mean what I say, and call it a day. Like, I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I want to say.

It's just, I guess, the delivery that I can say I've been having. But for so long, I was sugarcoat a lot of things, like my feelings, my opinion on certain things. Just kind of like anything I probably could. I wasn't as blunt or as blunt as I should have been.

And now that I am, it's kind of like a sign of relief because I really don't care. I care to a certain extent, but not enough to go back to how I used to be, if that makes sense. I think it's interesting, too, how as soon as you did cuss,

you immediately said, can I cuss? Right, right. See? See? I feel back into, see? See? It's a pattern. It's a thing that I'm slowly breaking out of. Because I'm like, I'm always, for years, I've been always just mindful of what I say. So it's why, though. That's my question. I guess going back, like, earlier when you did bite your tongue more, how did that feel and why did you bite your tongue more? Because I felt like I was supposed to. More like a reserve thing. Like, I felt like I've been trained to

say certain things or act a certain way and then once I'm given the go-to that I don't have to it's oh okay cool like you get the real me now I really don't give a shit like

It's crazy, but it's funny because I really don't be giving a shit. Not a red fuck, blue fuck. I don't be caring. Not a red fuck, blue fuck. I promise you, I don't be caring. I know for my job, for example, I know I can't tell a patient what they really need to hear, so I still have it in me. I utilize it when necessary. One, my job. Two, parenting.

Of course, I don't, maybe that's five. You know, I mask a lot of things with her. So parenting, my job, sometimes my mom on certain things. Like I adhere to like, we're having like a little heart to heart. If I want to say something, I think that she'll get in a certain way. I'll just remember her feelings in it. So still with her a lot.

But anything else, you know. - Yeah. - And it makes me feel better to not do that. - That's good. And I wanna get to that part too. I have some questions based on that, with what you just said. So I think I wanna break it down into a few different categories. You already started breaking it down into categories, but I wanna dive deeper into those categories.

So I like to talk about things. Okay, you've been smacking. You've already been smacking. And I don't feel like editing this. I'm done. That was it. All right. I don't feel like editing this episode like that, Quisha. Then make it raw. Okay? Quisha was sitting here. People don't like to hear smacking on this thing. This is a whole auditory thing. No, I'm done. I'm done. All right. Can I drink my juice? Sip while I'm talking. Okay.

Sip now. But anyways, I like to break things down into the categories of work, love, play and health. It's just a helpful way to kind of think through things sometimes. So specifically with work, do you feel like there's been a transition for you between how you used to talk in the workplace versus how you talk now? Oh, no, because it's called professionalism. Yeah, no, no.

Because how I am at work is, it's how I've always been since I've been 16, since I've been working. I've learned, you know, I know. And all of my jobs, like all of them, I'm dealing with people. So I've always known a way to

mask my job as in I never even from when I was working at Papa John's at 16 my first job like I never cussed a customer because they were wrong type of thing so even with my patients it's still the same thing even when they come in there wild and like it's

Still the same respect, the same tone, same everything. So that's not hard for me at all because I know, you know, I know the difference. I can go the same way for Nevaeh. I can go to her school and even if it's a conflict or something, I know how to handle it. Like I know how to be

professional be a mom but also stand my ground right when it comes down to certain things yeah because and I think that's the interesting part because just because I know you and know how you might be with patients where it might be like laughing and smiling and helpful and like being kind and all of that kind of stuff but then when you switch to Nevaeh that's your daughter that's a different story where I could see if something popped up like you would stand your ground

And I know how you stand your ground too. That's a different breed right there. That's, that's a mom, like a lion protecting her baby cubs. Like, no. Yeah. And it's, it's crazy because I did have an instance recently when I had to go to the med school, the school that she's in now, cause you know, she's in the kindergarten. So she's no longer in preschool. She's in elementary school. And, um,

It was a situation with like another kid in the van was feeling like she was being bullied. And to the point where she had called me, like made up a whole ordeal to go to the nurse. So she called me. Yeah. It was like, you know, my stomach hurt. And I'm like, you know, so I'm like, OK, let me see what's up. So I told my boss I needed to leave, but I'll be back.

And Rob had happened to be working from home this particular day. So I'm like, okay, if I need to take her home, she can go home with her dad. I can go back to work. So I went to go get her. And every day I listen to Navea, she comes home, she'll tell me about an entire day, the mishaps, all of this. So I was privy to a little bit. How old is she? Five. Okay. So I was privy to like a little bit of the conversation until when I got to the school and I was like,

I mean, you know, Neville was going on and I was just talking to her and then she was just like, I just, I don't want to go to recess. And I'm like, you don't want to go to recess? You know why? And then she was like, the mean girl that I was telling you about, she's out there. And I'm like, oh, okay. So then I started asking her more questions.

And then it happened to be that the girl was in a higher grade than Avera. And I'm like, oh, okay. She was like, I'm scared. And I was like, oh, I don't see you to school to be scared. Like, that's not what we, that's not what we doing. I was like, oh, come on. And she was like, well, mommy, what are you going to do? I said, follow me. You'll see. Come on. And then it was, it was a different thing. And like, I did not leave until I spoke to the principal. Well, it happens to be the assistant principal, like,

And then I leave. I was still professional with her and that one curse word came out of my mouth. You know, I didn't have to get like loud and irate, but I also looked her in her eyes to tell her like,

you got like 24 hours to fix this situation or I will fix this situation like I already know that this little girl is a pickup I will be outside the school 30 minutes before it's time for you to dismiss and I will wait till I see the child and ask the parent is this your child and we're gonna have our own conversation so I need you to fix this situation today actually

I said, I don't send Neville here to be scared or anything like that. You know, that's not what it's for. And by the time I left the school, like 30 minutes, by the time I pulled back up at work, she was calling me. Hey, I know who the girl is. I have, like, I'm going to contact her mom. Yeah. So it's a difference. And then even after that, I asked Neville the next day when she went to school. And she was like, Mommy, I had a good time at recess today. And I'm like, yeah, okay. And she was like, the girl was really nice to me. And I said, okay.

Good. Wow. So, yeah, like it's yeah, I don't I don't have as much patience or tolerance to things like I do my job or something like that, because it's I was given her to protect. And that's what I showed him.

Amen. So one thing that I like that you said that you did in that situation is you gave them a time frame. Yeah. Like you were very clear with your expectations. Yeah. And they got the stuff done within your expectations. A lot of time people are afraid to like explain what their expectations actually are. We make assumptions saying that other people should basically read our mind. And then if they don't read our mind, then we get upset.

you know, that they didn't actually do it. Yeah. But you stated your expectations. You got 24 hours to figure out who this child mama is. And if that does not happen, then this will be the outcome. This will be it. But it's crazy because I was never like that until I had Nevaeh. Like I was never that stern or like never that blunt.

Except for when I had her. And it's like a trigger. As soon as I got her in my arms, I just knew. Like, right then and there. Like, okay, I'll stand up to Jesus Christ over you. Pause this for a sec. Can I call Kael? You? I thought you was going to call Kael. Okay. Well, yeah, go downstairs and get your card. Ask your assistant to help you open it. I don't want 20 minutes. I'm doing a recording right now.

Do I want 20 minutes? Stop. Okay, I'm ready. I mean, I love that too, because she was very clear on, like, there's a lot of expectation setting here. I feel like, was that 20 minutes to be on this call? Is that what she was saying?

20 minutes what? It's not 20 minutes. I think she meant to say because I need a few minutes. Because sometimes I'll tell her, I'll come play with you, just give me a few minutes. And I'll tell her, I'm going to go lay down for a second and then I'm coming type of thing. So I think she meant a few minutes. But 20 minutes just took me out.

I love the clear expectations that I'm here for. Yeah. All right. So we talked about work. We talked about your kid. What about love life? How is it in your relationship with Rob? And actually, before I go to that one, I do want to say, too, in my job, I feel like I've become more blunt. Like, at first, I used to kind of constrict and be afraid to, like, speak up to people and speak my mind and all of that kind of stuff. But at this particular job, like...

yo, I got thoughts and I will share them. And I am often the one in the office to say, you know what? I don't think that this is a good path forward. I don't necessarily think this makes sense. I'll do it. But as long as we're all clear that this don't make sense and

And then people will be like, yes, we understand that it don't make sense. And then we're all just like, oh, all right. Okay, cool. All right. As long as we all know, like I will speak my mind, but I will respect your authority. So yeah, I've gotten a lot better at that. Okay. So for love, how do you feel like it is in your relationship? In past relationships, has it been harder to speak your mind and then you've gotten better? Or is it something that you're just still currently working at? Past relationships, they were more of,

I dated a lot of narcissists because like they were deflect. Like if I was to tell them, they were kind of like blaming it on me. But with Rob, he's always been blunt. Sometimes a little too blunt. Like sometimes I have to tell him, you don't have to say it that way. When it comes down to his siblings and he'll be talking to them and I'll just be like,

You don't have to do that. But with he and I, yeah, we're like that with each other. So it works. He's not the type to curse at you or anything of that while he's talking. So me telling him my feelings and speaking up, he takes that well. And same way when he tells me, because I don't take it in a tone of like, you're attacking me. I take it in a way of,

You're just trying to get, you know, how you feel out. And I'm big on feelings. I always feel like, you know, everybody is deserved to be heard type of thing. So, yeah, nothing has changed with us because since we were dating, like boyfriend and girlfriend, that's one thing that he said he loved about me is because I speak my mind and I'm like, I'm not soft. I'm not a pushover type of thing. That's one of the traits that he says he loves.

And then it's just with certain things. So, you know, he knows I can turn it on and turn it off type of thing. But yeah, nothing changed with us, with he and I, because it's always been that way. How does it work, though? Do y'all have like specific times where y'all will like talk to each other? I know, like, so for example, my church, they'd be like, have a monthly meeting with your spouse. Or is it always like a

immediate if something comes up do you ever ruminate on things as opposed to feel like you say things in the exact moment like how does that work for you we time it so like if he has done something that I don't like and like say for instance we're in public I would never address it in public I always wait like I'll wait until we're by ourselves or I'll wait till we're not around people to say something like so instant

Yes, because it's always the same day, but sometimes at the exact moment, no. Because we will never be in public arguing looking crazy, like ever in life. Like, hell no. That's that. Like, if we're in public, so I'll wait on that. But it will be addressed that same night because I am a firm believer we're not going to bed mad. And he is too. So we vaguely go to bed mad at each other. So it will be talked about until we fall asleep.

Then pretty much everything else after that is instant because unless we're around Avea, we don't do a lot of heart-to-heart conversations when she's around just in case our tone is not where it needs to be. So it's funny because we will text it out a little bit if she's right there. And then by the time she goes to sleep,

we would finish the conversation. So you'll start texting like in the house together? Yeah. We could be in the same exact room. If it's bothering me that bad or if it bothers him that bad, we'll just put a note in it. Like we're going to talk about that later on type of thing.

Because if Nevaeh's there, we just don't. Nevaeh's fine. I don't ever think she's seen he and I argue. That's good. I hope to get to that one day because I be holding on to stuff. Yeah, you cannot not. You can't do that. It's not. I can't help it. When are you going to start making up scenarios in your head? Child, the scenarios that I create. Yeah.

You can't do that. But if only I just asked the question and if only yes. And if only I just shared exactly how I feel, like you said, right then and there, the the the internal suffering that I am. Yeah. Yeah.

That's key. That's one-on-one of I'm stressing my stuff out because instead of you sitting there thinking of Northside. Every situation that's possible that's way worse than what it actually is. You could have definitely, definitely just said, hey, can we talk about that? And then they would say what? What you just said and how you said it. But that's the thing that I love about my boyfriend because he literally will just say things.

And I like, I admire that about him, but I just, I just have such a hard time doing it, but I'm getting better. So this is positive. Okay. Yeah. You got to just ask the question. Because it's a question and you're going to either get the answer that you want or you're going to get the answer that you don't. But either way, you're going to get an answer from it. That's why it's a question. It's not a statement. And the thing is, the thing is though, you're also going to get the truth. Yeah.

As opposed to that piece that you just made up. You don't know if it's the truth. We hope that it's the truth. Well, yes, that too. But it's probably better than what you made up. Yeah. Yeah, because when you live in your head, you hurt yourself. When you live in your head, you hurt yourself. Get out of your head. Yes. When you live in your head, you hurt yourself. Because that's the thing too. What was it? I can't remember exactly how this thing went that somebody said to me one time. Oh, okay.

One, having conversations with the ones you love is an act of love. It shows that you care about the relationship. Yes. If I didn't care about you, why are we communicating about a situation? It has to take time to do that. And one thing that people have to realize that it's priceless is your time. So if I'm giving you my time to talk about a situation instead of being passive over the situation and just passing it right on. I'm going to take time because I love you and I care for you.

to talk about the situation. That's why I call them uncomfortable conversations. But it's kind of like a massage though, you know? You know how when you got to get a massage, it's because you got all those knots in your back and you have to like need the knot. You got to need the knot to get it out and to get it to like dissipate. But that is uncomfortable in the moment and actually can feel pretty good in the moment too. Yeah.

Both of them happen. And that happens in the tough conversations, too. You might have like lighthearted moments, but you also have frustrated moments. It's actually very similar to a massage. Now that I'm thinking about it. But they have to like knead the knot out your back. And that takes a lot of pressure. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of strength. Yes. Yes. I love how you have just compared this.

Yes. And then once you finish kneading that knot, it dissipates. But if you do not acknowledge the fact that you got this knot in your back, it's going to hurt your whole body. It is. It is. You're just going to be in pain. I heard one other thing too. Oh, so this was from church the other day. So my pastor, she was talking about how she went to get a massage, right? And she was telling the person, she was like, my neck hurts.

And so the masseuse person was like, okay, let me work on your neck. And she was saying that the masseuse person was working on her neck for like so long. And my pastor, she was like,

you've been doing this for a long time. I don't even know if you know what you're doing at this point, right? And so then the person was like, actually, let me try something else. So then they went to this area in her back and she was like, why are you on my back if I said my neck hurt? So she's needing this spot in her back, right? And then she got one of the knots out and there were three knots on her back. She got another knot out. And then when she got to that third knot, she was like,

Like my neck, it feels better. Like what? And then the lady was like, it's because I got to the root. I got to the root of the problem. And so sometimes we make this assumption that there's something in our neck. There's some other issue that's going on in whether it's work, love, play, health, whatever situation is going on that we're choosing not to communicate about. We make this assumption that X is the issue. But really, no.

why is the issue, but we haven't had the conversation to figure out what, why this route actually is. So conversations y'all. Yeah. No. Yeah. You always got to figure it. That's why I've never been the type of person just to like, to let stuff pass over because once you do, then you're going to be burying that situation. And then it's another situation. You're going to come to, you're going to bury that situation. And there's another situation. You're going to come to, you're going to bury that situation. And then by the time you explode, you got three different situations. Oh,

inside of you all inside of you when now we got to start from the bottom to figure out one and how you got that one then you got to get the two and then how you got that two then you got three yeah that's why it's better to just go ahead and fix it and go from it right in there like it's not gonna hurt you to do that you know how much it bit like you buried like there's so much buried inside bro your body don't even have that much capacity to bury that much stuff

And so it's either you hold on to the stress and just keep it within you or you actually say it and let it go and let it out. Either way, either way is there. You either choose to keep it there within you or you choose to let it out. That part. Mm hmm.

So I like jumping into the middle of episodes after I listen to them again, just to share what comes up for me. And in this case, I've been having therapy sessions and my therapist has been dropping some like major bars. And one thing that she's been saying to me is that I try to keep the peace, but I'm not

but the peace is only external. I'm keeping quiet so that I don't cause any kind of confrontation and so that I don't ruffle any feathers. But then even though that peace is held for the external world, other people feel comfortable internally. Bruh. Like wild. Internally, not peaceful. Externally, there is a perception of peace.

But are you really keeping peace if all of the chaos is still inside of you? No. So you have to actually speak up. You have to actually share your truth. And I know that this is so hard to do for some people. But the only way to get to the true peace is to confront what might be the chaos. You have to confront the chaos that is within you.

You have to be honest about what you want and what you need. I say this as something that I know I'm personally still working on, but that's the name of this podcast, Imperfectly Phenomenal Woman.

You are an imperfectly phenomenal woman. You are capable of speaking your mind and sharing your thoughts. Like you can do it. You can do it. Because let me tell you, good things are on the other side of that difficult conversation. In this episode, I mentioned how in a previous podcast episode, someone said, having uncomfortable conversations with the ones that you love is an act of love. It shows that you care about the relationship. And that is so true.

So friend, let it out. Let it out. Speak your mind and we gonna work on this together. You got it. Let's get back to the episode.

So we did work, love. I don't know if play makes sense for this. Play is usually like your extracurriculars and things like that. Things that you do for joy. Yeah, let's talk friendships. Okay, that's good. So then what would you say for your friendships on how your communication has been? Do you feel like you have to speak in a certain way to your friends? Oh, I have.

Oh, hell yeah. I have before. And that's why I started giving the whole I don't give a fuck attitude because that's where most of the problems were coming from. Were friendships when I never felt like I could just...

say what I wanted to say, not in a hurtful way, but just to get it out without the friendship being hindered or the friendship changing. And there's been several friendships that I've been in where I cannot speak how I really feel because then that's when the

hurt or come in and then I don't hear from them. And then it's more so of making me feel bad for standing on how I actually felt when it had to be a reason for me to be made to feel this way. So, yeah, friendships was always the hardest one. But like now, I don't care. I got to a point where losing friends or not having the friends that I started out with, it's fine with me in life because I kind of already know that

It's God, too, who's removing a whole lot. And they could be they could their season with me could have just been up and it's OK with that. And I've and I've gotten OK with that. So it's like now it's either you ask me a question, I'm going to answer it. Or if we're having a conversation and I set expectations or action of something of you and you get.

defensive or shitty about it, then I'm going to say what I really want to say and just leave it at that because then I'm okay if you walk away. I'm okay if we don't return. I'm okay if we don't talk again because I know in the friendship I've done my part as well.

So me speaking up should never be a factor of losing a friendship, if that makes sense. Or me saying how I feel about a certain situation. We can always agree to disagree, but that shouldn't be a reason why we are not talking. However, if that is the reason why, I'm okay with it because I had to get there in life.

To say my voice deserves to be heard too. My feelings on certain things deserve to be heard too. Even if we don't agree, it's okay. It's still my feelings on it. We're not going to always agree, which is okay. But don't be shitty about it or...

walk away from me because that's because we didn't agree and if you again like I said if you do want to do that I'm totally fine with it at one point in my life I was never okay because it was always a why what did I do maybe I shouldn't have said it no maybe I should have said it maybe I should have gotten it off of me because now I'm sitting here

Being mindful of what I'm saying or something just to not lose a friendship. It's not a true friendship. So you feel like you were initially kind of like shrinking yourself to make other people comfortable. And I know that and I can only blame myself for that because I shouldn't have allowed it to be that I should have still been me.

I should have always been my authentic self. And if they didn't care for it or didn't like it or whatever, then that was a problem for them. I can totally admit that I fought myself for shrinking my life, shrinking me, shrinking who I am to appease one person, two persons, three on just to get their approval. Now, I don't give a fuck. And that's...

What I said earlier, I'm not a red fuck or a blue fuck. I don't be. I can lower. I cannot. And I be telling people, when Granny closed her eyes, when she did her big one, she didn't give a warning, a bird signal, a text message, a bad call. Okay? She didn't even sneeze different to even let me know she was ready to go up yonder. Okay? I just had to wake up and get the call. So why do I got to sit here and just

Mask myself like this for people when it's when they time to go up from here. They ain't gonna give me not a courtesy call, a text message, a boomerang, something. A boomerang? Something. Write a message on it. Listeners, I've known Quisha since sixth grade. Sixth grade? Yeah. Yeah.

We've been cool since sixth grade, y'all. So I know this girl. I know this girl. We ain't never had, did we ever have argument? No. I can't think of none. Me either. Prom night. Did we argue on prom night? No, we didn't. We didn't argue, but I had to call you as far as I would have heard you was at because your mama was banging on my grandkid's door. Yeah, y'all, my mom called the police on me on prom night. What? No. No.

Yeah, that's not one that comes up to me. Not one. See, but that's the interesting thing about friendships, right? Because my nose is so stuffy right now. It's annoying, but it really is. But so what I'm realizing, so in my 30s is that there are different friends in my life for different reasons, right? And

Throughout life, people are going to move into different categories. And that is OK. Like we don't talk about losing friendships in our 30s. There's not enough conversations about having new friendships in your 30s. Like there's not enough conversation about friendship in your 30s, honestly. And so I feel like I have some people who are kind of like family, who are like my true, you know, friends.

we will get people's people together out of jail you know that level of friendship so that's one then I got my friendships who look we're just here to dance together we're not gonna have conversations we're not going to like really be there for each other like this we're not even gonna really show each other our truest selves but you know if if a bop comes on we are gonna vibe and we're

And we are going to have a good time. Then I have my friends who are like my soul tribe people. Those are my people who I'm talking to about real deep issues that are happening in my life, you know? And there's all these different categories of friends. And I feel like a lot of the time we feel like we have to, like everybody's supposed to fall into this one category of like true, deep, meaningful friend. Right.

but everybody don't got to be in that category. Like you don't feel like it's like everybody doesn't necessarily fit. If you feel like you have to shrink yourself or be polite or not speak your mind to a certain group of people, then just figure out what category they are really in. You could have multiple categories, y'all. They don't have a category, Lauren. They the hell gone. They the hell gone.

They the hell go. Because if you think about it, and feel free to tell me. No, go for it. I feel as though that I am a friend of Jack of all trades. And when I say Jack of all trades, I will drink with you, party with you, cry with you, and pray you under a table all evening.

I am there supportively in any kind of way, shape or form that I can be. So with me, I don't ask anyone. And that's hard for me as well. I've seen that on your category too. I don't ask anyone for anything like help wise or anything like that. The only thing I really like need is genuineness, if that makes sense. That's all. Just give me you.

The authentic you. Good side, bad side, crazy side, fun side. I'm afraid to see all of that because that's what I'm going to give you to me. I'm here with you on all that. And I feel like you are that person. Like you do all those things. But I don't think every friend has to be that person. And I think we have that expectation of friendship that.

they are everything that they hit all those buckets in the same way that we have the expectation for romantic partners too that they supposed to be everything but everybody can't be everything like I got some real good people in my life who aren't everything that you just mentioned but they good people you know

So I wouldn't kick them out. I still fuck with them heavy, you know? But the ones, but they're, everybody got different categories for me and that's okay for me. Now you do you for you. I feel I have categories with certain people I do, but also too, it's like I, with those categories, they don't get all of me, which is cool.

Which is cool. Yeah, that's real. That's real. That's real. I don't give all of me to all my categories because they don't need all of me. Like we have certain purposes in each other's life. Right. And we fulfill those. And I fucks with you and you, my friend. But like we understand our place. So what do you do?

when you have categories for people with no fulfillment. - Then they not, then they not friend. You gotta, there's a fulfillment that's happening. This almost sounds transactional, but it's not transactional because it's, we're showing up in the way that we want to show up, you know? But if we're not showing up in the way that,

is true to us in an authentic way for whatever that category requires, then y'all, then they gotta go. I'm offering a little bit too much to receive nothing. Yeah. See, and that's, that's different. That's different. Then you understand what that category is. You got to accept that. Whether it's a category is not.

you know you changed my outlook on a little bit okay okay okay i mean you gotta and you gotta define your categories for yourself so whatever actually works for you and define all of this and the way that works best for you but anyways we went through work love play health child you had a whole baby and people be having health woes out here how would you say you have let's say spoken to your doctor

Have you ever felt like you had to shrink yourself or I don't know, you can frame this however, it might not be how did you speak to your doctor? I just think that's a part that people have a hard time with.

But yeah. How was your speaking your mind in that category? Oh, it was easy for me. Because for one, you know, with nurse life, I'm surrounded by doctors. That is true. That is true. So talking to them, it just comes naturally. Like naturally. I got another one. I got another one then. What about like your mental health? How do you talk to yourself? Well.

I'm way better than once I had her. Cause I went through, um, in our first interview that I did with you, um, I went through postpartum bed. So like now I don't, I wouldn't want to start over cause I'm in a place where I'm slowly going back to me and the things that I need because she's pretty much self-sufficient. Like she really doesn't need me for to do a lot of things. Of course she needs me, but yeah,

She can do a lot of her own, go to the bathroom on her own, tie her own shoes, put her own clothes on, that type of thing. So my hands are a little bit free as to where when she was smaller, I had to do everything for her, which became mentally draining because then taking a shower was like a running, her dad's shift, the shift that he had took.

at work because we needed it because he had got like shift death. So a lot was on me because by the time he got home from work, we both were in bed. So it was a lot on me. So me trying to take a shower and listen out for her and sometimes those five minute showers would turn into three, two. Like it was...

It was rough. But like now, it's cool. Like I can do this whole interview with you. She came in here once to ask because she opened one of her toys from Christmas and then she's back in her room. So it's mental is way better. Way, way, way better. Because it's not as clouded as it was at one point in time. And then too, like I said, with me now, just speaking up to say whatever I feel, you know, and I'm asking it a lot. That helps a lot too. Because I feel like I am...

Okay, me saying what I need to say. You keep using this word, masking. Isn't that like the right word to use? Probably, yeah. But like, what does that mean to you? You know, when you're putting a cover over it, like you're putting a cover over what you really want to say. Then we pretend and like take the mask off. Yeah, you know, then we take the mask off. It's the real you.

See? Or just like sugarcoating it, I guess, is for work. I just feel like when we say sugarcoat, I can picture me pouring sugar on a coat. It's not... And every time I say mask in, I'm sitting here thinking about the mask, the movie. You know how you put it on, you beat somebody else and then you take it off. Yeah. It's like coat switching. You got it. Got you, got you. Well, how do you...

because I feel like you've done a lot you've done a really good job at getting to the point where you feel comfortable speaking your mind what's like one thing that helped you get here granny's death that's the only thing that helped me give wow because then it was just

Literally, like I said previously, the whole she didn't let us know it just happened type of thing. I don't feel like I should have to warn someone. Like, oh, well, you're really making me mad. Like, I don't need to warn you. I'm just going to say this shit and call it a day. Nevaeh, I can't even use her because since birth.

I've always been that way with her. Like she had just been off limits, always off limits, but like with myself. And it's crazy because I think people knew that when it came down to the rare, that's a subject or person they never speak on or try. And I think people that knew that knew that about me too. But with me, it was more so they could dance around and play with me a little bit more so than her. And then after granny passed, literally I've just been on some

Oh, well type of shit. And then now that you do feel like you can speak your mind and that you are speaking your mind, like how does that make you feel? Oh, way better. Way, way, way better. Like the only it's because I've, I've learned how to manage it as well. Cause like I said, like certain things with my mom, like I won't say it in a way that in my mind, I want to say it. I'll figure out another way because I,

I know mentally she's still dealing with her mom. So a lot of situations is just based off feelings. So I don't respond in a way that I would somebody else to her. So I still know how to turn it on, turn it off. And of course, with work, same thing, you know, and things like that. But other than that, like, yeah, it feels like a load is taking off for real, for real, because it's not like I'm not being me.

And even if like if they if whomever I'm having a conversation with feel some type of way and they want to get off the phone or anything like that, I'm just like, OK, go on to the next thing. Like any other time I'm like, oh, God, what did I say? What did I do now? I don't give a red fuck or a blue one. Trying to tell you what I know.

Got you. All right, cool. Well, so we're going to go to the last question, wrap the thing up. So at the end of each episode, we always reframe limiting belief to fit more within our desired reality. And so an example of a reframe, I always give this reframe just because it was the very first one that I ever did. So we did the topic of if you're not married by 30, then you're a failure.

If I say that, then we would reframe that to say, you don't have to get married. One, you don't have to get married. Two, you can get married at the time that's right for you. The societal timeline ain't real. Fuck the societal timeline. You can start a partnership at a time that's right for you. Like,

Something like that. And for you, in this case of you can't speak your mind, you can't use your voice, how would you reframe that to fit more within our desired reality? And I think I specifically want you to approach it

doing this like full circle moment, right? Going back to, you said Nevaeh was like having a bullied moment at school to the point where it made her constrict, go to the nurse's office, fake a whole illness. Like she didn't feel like she could speak her mind in that moment. And she felt like she couldn't be herself in that moment. Like, what would you tell Nevaeh as a way for us to reframe this? Oh, I tell her this all the time. Pop your shit, Nevaeh. No. No.

No, I just remind her. Like, I literally remind her of who she is and whom she belongs to. I tell her this on a daily, like all the time, every day. I just remind her of whom she is, as in she's a beautiful Black queen.

She does not ever in life have to walk with her head down. She's destined for greatness. Like I give her her affirmations every day and I tell her it's okay if somebody does not like you because you have people out here that love you is a difference in the ale. Like I, I let her know and I make her aware that I build her up in a way where her confidence will always keep her humbled, but also, um,

Make her know that she is somebody we we have a saying she said in her preschool program, her graduation, and it said, you know, I am somebody. And when she was saying it, I recorded her saying it.

I knew when we were practicing and it was one thing, but to see her actually do it was another thing. And I could tell that she believed what she said. And I could tell that she knew what she was saying was true. So even when she's having those moments, I always remind her of who she is and who she belongs to and where she comes from. And she know her mama don't play that shit. So she don't have to play it either.

And like now I have her do exercises. Well, I wouldn't even call it exercise. I just have her practice. If somebody is being mean to you, what do you do? And then she'll ask them, you know, politely not to, you know, tell them she'll speak. I don't like you doing that or whatever. She'll say what she needs to say. And I say they do it again. What do you do? And then that's what she give me to say. That's what she gives me her confidence. You know, like that's what she gives me the whole time.

you don't call me out of my name or anything. Like she'll, she'll say it and she'll say it and believe it. Her facial expression changes. She knows, she knows. And it's, it makes me feel good because as a kid, I was really timid. So,

For me to start her off now like this, it's like I never just want her to forget who she is. Even when she makes a mistake, she has a bad day and I have to correct her. I still remind her of who she is. So I will tell anybody to just always remember who you are and stay true to you. I tell the relatives all the time, they're not going to like you. And that's OK, because your mommy loves you. Everybody else that really cares about you and cares for you, loves you.

then it's not going to bother them. You're not going to bother them. Continue to shine bright. Say what you know. Say how you feel and stand on it. Stand on business. That's what me and her said. Stand on business. We said it all together. What are you, stand on the best? You like business? I stand on business. You're going to stand on business. Yeah.

Yeah. That made me think of one other thing. So I want to read this. You know, I'm working on my show, New Growth, right? Yeah. It's really all about identity and knowing who you are and all of that kind of stuff. But told to the story of natural hair. And yeah. So let me read you one thing that I wrote down. The way that I'm creating this is I'm just letting stuff like find me. Right. The entire show will be created by stuff that finds me in moments. And so.

So this morning I was watching church too. And at first I told you about my pastor. I have technically like four pastors, but as a part of new growth, I know I want to do a monologue about who I am. I also have this vision too of like this whole animated thing that I'm probably not gonna be able to make now, but later. So this is part of what I got from what he was saying earlier today. So it says, who am I? I am God's ambassador and he makes his appeals through me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a man of God.

I am approximately 37 trillion cells. One body contains thousands of times more cells than there are human beings on the planet. If you consider that there are 100 to 4 billion stars in the Milky Way, I have about 100 times more cells in my body than there are in the stars in the Milky Way. I am a galaxy of cells that creates a symphony of beauty named Lauren Williams.

I am my grandmother's legacy. I am God's masterpiece. I was born to shine because I am light.

I am consistently in the middle of miracles accepted by faith. I am a joint heir to Christ and I understand the honor and value that God has placed on me. My job is to let God's light and will flow through me. My purpose is to let God's light and will flow through me. You know what's crazy about what you just said? Like you read a passage and said, I am wonderfully and fearfully made. That was my quote.

In our senior yearbook. You got to go look at it. Oh, for real? That is literally, you know, when we had like little quotes that you could say after. That was one of my quotes. It was that. And I cannot remember what it said after that. But I am wonderfully and fearfully made was definitely my quote in there. I love it. Yes, yes, yes. Nevaeh. Yeah. Hey, girl.

So Nevaeh has entered the picture, y'all. So Nevaeh is about to be on this podcast real quick. I know that's right. Hello, everyone. Hello, everyone. OK, so I have a question for you, Nevaeh. We were just talking about this idea that you that people feel like sometimes they can't speak their mind. And to you, like, what does it mean to be able to speak your mind and how important is that to you? Do you know what I mean when I say that?

No. Okay. So to speak your mind means to say how you feel. Well, I feel happy. That's good.

I'm glad that you feel happy. Do you feel like other people should be able to like share how they feel? Yeah. Why? Because they have to show kindness and caring to their friends. That's good. That's good. Thank you, Nevaeh. You're welcome. So y'all, don't forget that you have to show kindness and you have to show care to your friends. Don't forget who you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and beautiful.

Quisha, I appreciate you for joining me, girl. Well, you know, I'm here. She's going to go tell her dad now that she's on a podcast. I can guarantee you that is about to happen. She was walking downstairs. She's like, I'm going to be on Auntie Lauren's podcast or her talk show.

I love it. Well, so if people wanted to connect with you, where can they find you? Through you. All right. Feel free to DM me. I can connect y'all with her. No, I'm always down for all the talks and all the conversations. I'm sure I'm going to be on another one with Lauren. She always gets me to do these things. I'm always down for whatever. So you need to just give me another topic. I need to interview you. That needs to happen. I know I'm having a few different people saying they want to do that. I wonder if I do like a whole month of other people interviewing me. That'll work. That could be interesting. I might do that.

Okay. All right. I might do that. Thank you, ma'am. See y'all's out there. So I'll be back interviewing Lauren Williams. There we go. So y'all already know where you can find me. I am at lauren.e.will on Insta. I have a podcast page too, but I prefer you follow me on my personal page at this point because I'm trying to lean more into me. So at lauren.e.will. And...

Don't forget that you can be imperfect and phenomenal at the same damn time. And I will chat with y'all next week. Farewell.