579: 4 steps to become more confident & calm | Gabby Bernstein
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Welcome to the My Buddy Green podcast. I'm Jason Wachub, founder and co-CEO of My Buddy Green and your host.

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What if you could heal old wounds, transform your mindset, and reconnect with your truest self, all by understanding and embracing the parts of you that you hold back? Today's guest, Gabby Bernstein, is back on the show to tell us how. Gabby's a number one New York Times bestselling author, motivational speaker, spiritual teacher, and longtime friend. In her

In her new book, Self-Help, she dives into internal family systems, also known as IFS, a revolutionary therapy model that's changed her life. In today's show, Gabby shares how IFS helps us compassionately address our protective patterns and beliefs,

Find calm in moments of anxiety and connect with our self-energy, the calm, confident inner guide within us all. She also walks us through her simple four-step process to stop checking out and start checking in. If you've ever struggled with anxiety, felt stuck in old patterns, or wanted tools to navigate life with more grace and ease, this conversation is for you.

So the book is titled Self-Help. Surely another bestseller from you. Really exciting. And so much of the book is based off of the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz and IFS.

So can you give us a primer on IFS? What is it? What do we know about it and how it came into your life? First of all, I'll just always begin by saying that I was the first ever interview on MindBodyGreen. So I always like to open any interview that you do with me with my humble brag that you and your GoPro came over to my apartment or whatever it was, and I got to be the first interview. So that's my first, that's my claim to fame. Number one.

Does anyone know what a GoPro is? I had to think about that for a second. It was a GoPro or like a, I don't even know if there's words for it anymore, but it was like an attack. It was a, it was a camera of some kind that we recorded on and that's, and that's real. And that's my, that's my flex right here before we begin. I was the first ever camera.

And we are OG. We're talking 20 years or so, 15 years. So yeah, it's really nice to be back with you. And I'm excited to talk about this because this work of internal family systems therapy is a therapy that healed me and continues to heal me every single day. I have had the privilege of using this therapy with my therapist and now new IFS therapist for almost a decade now.

And in 2020, I was watching a YouTube video.

And I saw this video with this man, Dr. Richard Schwartz, being interviewed. And he was talking about this therapy, internal family systems therapy, that he founded. And as he was talking about this, I was thinking to myself, holy shit, that's the therapy I've been doing for almost seven years at the time with my therapist. But I had never known what it was. I didn't have words for the practice. I didn't know what the model was. I just knew that she was doing this thing where she was connecting inside with these younger parts of myself.

And when I heard him speaking about it, it was like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. And I was like, oh my God, that's the thing that I've been doing. I need to learn more about what this is. So I read every single book that Dick Schwartz ever wrote. I watched every podcast. I listened to every audio. I was just deep in. In 2021, I started my own podcast and Dick was the third person I had on my show because I knew right away, I was like, I got to learn everything I can about this.

And at the time I was writing a book called Happy Days, which was about my trauma recovery. And in that book, I talked all about the different healing modalities, particularly IFS, that were healing me through the trauma. And I said to Dick, I said, listen, I'm writing about this in this new book. I want to teach this. I want to democratize this. I want to tell the world about this. It's changed my life. My job is always to demystify and translate. And he looked at me and he was like, I believe you can do that. And I also believe that you need, that I would suggest that you get trained in the model.

And so I went on and I applied and I was accepted to get the level one and level two training of internal family systems therapy. And it was me amongst hundreds of therapists, right? So I was probably one of the few people in the training that wasn't a therapist. And now actually that training isn't even available for folks who are not therapists. So I kind of got this beautiful God gift of getting this training, learning the model, hundreds of hours of training, having it deep in my system.

knowing how to use it with an individual, but knowing intuitively that I wasn't going to use it in a one-on-one setting. I'm not a therapist, but I was going to use it in a one-to-many way. Fast forward six or seven months later, I'm sitting at a dinner that I was hosting for Dick Schwartz at my house. And I looked at him and I said, Dick, I really know that I want to write a book about this and I want to make it self-help. And he said, well, that's always been a dream of mine. And he kind of just put that out there. Here we are.

It is the new year, 2025, and the book, Self-Help, is out. I have written the self-help book, democratizing and demystifying and translating the principles of a world-renowned therapy called Internal Family Systems Therapy, an IF, otherwise known as IFS, founded and created by my very dear friend, mentor, brother, Dr. Richard Schwartz. I call him Dick.

So that's the backstory of how I got to this. Now, what is IFS? IFS is a therapy model that is non-pathologizing and completely designed to help you bring compassion, connection, curiosity, and a harmonious relationship.

to every part of who you are. So I'm going to demystify this for you, Jason. So have you ever said to yourself, a part of me gets really activated when my wife does X, Y, Z? Of course. Yes. Have you ever been like, a part of me gets really pissed off when my team doesn't do X, Y, Z? Of course. Yeah.

speaking to the entrepreneur, or a part of me loses my cool here, or a part of me checks out when, or a part of me wants to just pick up the YouTube and just zone out X at this time. And anyone listening is probably like, yeah, I know those parts of myself that want to numb out, the parts of myself that want to avoid. I know those addicted parts of myself, those extreme patterns or behaviors or belief systems.

And we all carry them. We all carry these extreme patterns, beliefs, behavioral patterns, sometimes addictive processes in our life where we really just check out. And what IFS explains is that these patterns, behaviors, and beliefs are actually protection mechanisms. They're called protector parts in IFS. And these parts of us, I define mine as like the controller. When everything feels out of control, I go into hypervigilance and control.

For me, there was a period of my life when I was addicted to drugs and alcohol 19 years ago before I got sober. Those parts of me were addicted and they were these habits that were causing a lot of chaos in my life. But I've come to understand that these were actually protection mechanisms. And why were they protection mechanisms? Because I was doing whatever I could to numb out impermissible feelings from my past.

So who are these protectors protecting? These protection mechanisms are protecting exiled, young, child parts of who we are.

And all of us at some time and place in our life experienced some kind of adversity, trauma with a big T, trauma with a small T. So maybe you were bullied as a kid. Maybe you were experiencing attachment breach. Maybe you had an alcoholic parent. Maybe you experienced abuse. But you did not have the adult figure to help you process that experience. And so when we experienced these impermissible moments of fear, trauma, terror,

feeling unlovable, inadequate, not good enough. Right away as children, we built up these protection mechanisms to push down that pain and find whatever we could to seek relief from those impermissible feelings. And that's where these protector parts were born. And so if I were to ask you, Jason, you know, one of these habits or behaviors that you may have that's sort of a part of you that gets activated, are you familiar with one of them?

Yeah. And I look, I think everyone has this. Everyone, you know, I'm glad you mentioned big T and little T because I don't know anyone who doesn't have, you know, there are various degrees of big T, uh, some very gigantic T I would say, but everyone's got some form of trauma. And the thing I want to spend a little moment of time here on, because I think in your mind, there's you, I look at you, you're successful. You're

you're happy. There are, I want to come back to mindset and what role, because part of this process is being acknowledging and being aware of, you know, your little T, your big T, just having this self-awareness of, you know, potentially what your triggers are. But,

How does mindset come in here? Well, first it's a perceptual shift, right? Because what happens is, is to, to break it down really simply, we've had these experiences of big T trauma. They were too big. And that's an IFS, what's called an exile. It's like a little child that we say, I don't want to feel that ever again.

And then we build up these protection mechanisms. And they're very young and they carry on to decades and decades. And now they're with us today. So instead of looking at these patterns or behaviors or beliefs that we oftentimes look at, Jason, and we're looking at them and saying, oh, I wish I could get over this already. Or why am I still falling back into that habit of going to the refrigerator every time I get triggered? Or why do I keep raging on my friends? Or whatever those patterns are.

Instead of looking at those patterns as bad or those beliefs as bad, what we can begin to do, this is where the mindset shift comes in, is first and foremost, see those beliefs, patterns, extreme behaviors, addictive processes as protection mechanisms. And imagine, everybody listening, imagine you looked at those patterns and behaviors that you've been judging yourself for for so many years and you actually looked at them and said, wow,

Those patterns have actually been protecting me from some impermissible feelings that I did not have the resources to phase into. There's your first mindset shift. Well, just to take a, I'm curious, I'll take a step back to maybe articulate this a little bit better. You know, we've all, we've got twins. They're in a car accident, same genetics, same everything. Both the twins walk out unscathed. One twin says, I'm so lucky to be alive. The other twin is just can't get over that there was a car accident, even though the twin is fine.

Like, how do you reconcile that and, like, taking a step further, the mindset? We all have different emotional reactions to the impermissible experiences from our youth or even as adults. And the way that we process those moments in time has everything to do with how we thrive and survive moving forward. So...

If in that moment after that car crash, one twin was...

you know pulled out of the car and totally hugged by the mother and felt safe immediately and saw that everything was working out and later in the day got an opportunity to process that whole experience and maybe there was a therapist that showed up and did a whole kind of processing with them and you know did some play processing and they had this beautiful harmonious experience of being able to move that trauma through their body and they had that care and that support from the parent then they're going to have a very different life

than the twin that walks out of it and doesn't have that processing. Maybe that one was sent home and said, oh, just get over it. You'll work it out. It'll be okay. You're fine. You survived. It's all about what happens in the aftermath.

If in those moments we don't have the resources or the support systems to process the big emotional disturbances, then we will continue to protect against those emotional disturbances for the rest of our lives. We will spend our lives running from those feelings. Well, what role do you think gratitude plays here? Well, I don't think that when you're young in particular that you can access gratitude easily.

in those moments. I think that you may, because we're as a young child, we need the adult figure to help us regulate our emotional state. And

And so if an adult figure comes into our life in those moments and is like, okay, we're going to reframe this. We're going to work together on this. Let's go into appreciation that all is well. And you know, you survived this and everybody's okay. And let's now focus on all these things that are, then that gratitude could be a contributor to processing that experience in the moment and then saving yourself decades of therapy. Now, if you don't have that adult parent figure in that moment, or even as an adult experience trauma, if you don't have that support or that awareness inside,

then you're not going to be able to use any tool because you don't have the ability to process in that moment. Does that make sense? Got it. It does. So you mentioned decades of therapy. I think a potential criticism of therapy is it can go on for decades and it's

You know, I've, I've joked that sometimes the therapy, you know, it's a recurring revenue business, not to knock therapists or psychologists, but, you know, it's a recurring revenue business where, okay, here's a problem. We can just go on. You can come in every week and we can talk about it. Or do we really want to work through this and try to get you out four to six weeks? And so, and not to knock their incredible therapists out there that do amazing work every day, but, you know, I think there are lots of people out there.

And again, not to criticize therapy at length, but maybe in therapy for decades, but not really making the progress they want to make. So can we talk about that and this system? That's why I love IFS. And that's why I've decided to write my 10th book on this therapy. And really, just to be super clear, this book, Self-Help, is not about IFS. It's a self-help practice that is based on the principles of the therapy.

So that exactly what you're saying, whether you're in therapy or not, you can use the tools in this book to reap the benefits of this life-changing therapeutic process in your own world. And the process inside my book is actually a way of accessing what's called self. That's why it's called self-help.

And so self is actually like the inner therapist. Self is your internal parent. Self is your resourced adult undamaged self. It is the part of you that is courageous and calm and connected and confident and clear and compassionate. And all of us have this self energy inside of us. It's like an inner coach or an inner therapist, right?

And what's happened is because of these protection mechanisms, we've lost connection to that self because we've been in this protector mode of constantly trying to fix the problem rather than address the problem internally. And so we...

go in this sort of hypervigilant state of just these habitual practices. Whereas when we start to tend to the protection mechanisms, which is why I love IFS therapy, you can start to let these protection mechanisms, these patterns and behaviors know that there actually is some safety inside. And that's the process of IFS. And that's the process in my self-help book is to connect inward and get to know what's happening inside so that you can actually have the experience of

of seeing that you have a resourced energy inside of you that can process your big feelings and emotions in real time, experience relief in real time. And in the experience of that real time relief, have a new felt sense of safety inside. And the more you return to that practice, I'm going to teach you the practice. The more you return to it and return to it and return to it, the more resourced you feel.

And what this is all based on is not going into the past and digging up the story. It's addressing in the moment, in the present moment, the feelings, sensations, beliefs,

that happened in the past because they're still happening, Jason, in this moment. To paint a picture, let's maybe take an example, which I think is probably fairly common. Say fear of abandonment, probably fairly common. Walk us through what that would look like in IFS. I'm actually going to walk you through what it looks like in the book, Self-Help. Okay.

Because IFS would be a much more detailed, deeper inquiry into what this protector part needs. And then IFS also goes to those younger exiled parts, the traumatized parts. And I'm not doing that here. What I'm trying to do here is just help you work with the day-to-day protection mechanisms. I love it. Too much work. It sounds like too much work. I like your method. My method is something you can do right here, right now.

Okay. So let's, that's the best kind. So let's just do it together. Let's just first ask the listener and you, what is it that you want to manifest into your life right now? You can think about it. You can say it, whatever you feel. Say it with me. What do you want to, what do you want to attract into your life, Jason? Well, I don't want to, what's the way we can do this so I don't bring the, I want this to, I want the listener to be able to actively participate. I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to do it with them. So if the listener is thinking about something that they want to attract into their life right now,

Think about it. You know what it is. The next question to ask that person, this isn't the four steps yet. I'm just trying to get to what we want to work with is what is the belief that's blocking you from attracting that desire into your life? And that belief is a protector part. Okay. So that's one way of accessing, okay, what, what is a protector part?

Or you could even go as far as to say, is there a part of me that is habitually acting out in addictive processes? Or is there a part of me that keeps returning to the same behavior? And so noticing what is the part that you want to work with. And so everyone individually here can use their own part that they want to work with. It's an extreme way of managing your big feelings. Everybody?

Everybody familiar? Are you following that? There's a challenge. We talked about fear of abandonment. So maybe someone can't attract, they're unlucky in love. They can't find the right partner. Maybe they've had a series of bad relationships or marriage.

So then I think that gets to this, the second phase, the question is, what do you, what do you want? What's the block? Someone could potentially say, why do I keep on finding the, you know, why am I so unlucky in love? Or why do I keep on finding the wrong partner? Or so in the case of fear of abandonment, in case of fear of abandonment, they may have a belief that they want to work with, which is that I can't attract the love I want.

Or they may have a pattern that's every time I feel slightly abandoned, I lose my cool and I start aggressively trying to get that person back.

or they may have another pattern that's, you know, every time I feel like I've lost that partner, I go into deep despair and I shut down. So noticing what is the pattern or behavior or belief that's attached to that fear. Okay, that's step one. Okay, so once you have that, actually not step one, that once you know what the part of you that you're working with is, whether it's a belief, a pattern, a extreme behavior, and you're like, okay, this is something that's holding me back. I want to work with this.

In the case of fear of abandonment, it could be the ways that it manifests in your life. You're clear on that. Then here are the four steps you would use.

So you notice this pattern or belief just keeps coming up in your life over and over and over again. And so the next time you notice it activated and you're in that fear of abandonment and you want to go and start texting that guy a million times just to get him back. Instead of checking out, which is the practice of going and texting and texting, doing something to override the feeling, you would check in with the feeling. That's step one. So instead of checking out and doing that thing to obsess over and to control the feeling, you're going to check in instead.

So you'd focus your attention inward. That's step one. Step two is to become curious about that part of yourself. So curiosity looks like, where does this experience live in my body? What do I know about it? How long has it been around? What does it have to reveal to me? Is there any images or feelings or sensations attached to it? That's step two, curiosity. Checking inside and getting to know what that activated part of you wants to tell you.

The third step is compassionate connection. And that's when you ask that part of you in that moment, what do you need? And in the case of the person that's feeling abandoned, they might say, I need love. I need safety. I need connection.

And then once you've done that, you take a deep breath. Maybe you place your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, extend some love and connection to that part of you. And that's the fourth step where you check for the qualities of self. You'd see, is that internal therapist with me right now? Can I access that inner healer inside of me? And you'll check and you'll see, do I feel a little bit more calm? Do I feel more connected? Do I have a little clarity? Do I have some compassion towards myself right now?

And if you see any of those qualities arise, then you know that you've done the work. Instead of checking out and texting the guy, right, or checking out and picking up the drink or checking out and obsessing over something or checking out and going into floods of fear, you checked in. You turned your attention towards that protector part of you. You offered it curiosity, getting to know it.

You offered it compassionate connection, asking it what it needs. And then you checked to see the shift inside. You gave this young part of you exactly what it needed, which is what any child needs. Connection, compassion, curiosity. When we give those aspects of those self qualities to these younger parts of ourselves, they can soften and settle and feel safe inside in the moment, not in decades of therapy, in the moment.

you can create a place of safety inside. So whatever your trigger is, whether it's abandonment, whether it's feeling inadequate, whatever it might be, questions. Still getting around to that fix on your car? You got this. On eBay, you'll find millions of parts guaranteed to fit. Doesn't matter if it's a major engine repair or your first time swapping your windshield wipers.

eBay has that part you need ready to click perfectly into place for changes big and small, loud or quiet. Find all the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. But you already know that. eBay. Things. People. Love. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. Well, hearing you speak and you mentioned trigger, it seems like a good catch-all for when anxiety strikes this practice. Anxiety is a protector part.

And I write a whole chapter in the book called Anxious Parts. Anxiety is a emotional response to a energetic disturbance. So we have these experiences like we talked about, these traumas of the big T or small t.

And there's such extreme emotions, right? So the trauma emotions of shame, inadequacy, fear, there's such big emotions. And so we go into these patterns of protecting ourselves. And those protector patterns are often connected to anxiety, right? So it's hypervigilance. Like, you know, I'm going to do whatever it takes to control everything so I don't feel out of control. Or I'm going to go try to grasp that boyfriend so that I don't feel like I'm abandoned. And all of that often has the energy of anxiety there as well.

And that anxiety is another form of protection because it's something else to focus on rather than focusing on the impermissible feeling of being left or abandoned or ashamed or inadequate. Does that make sense to you? - Yeah, it does. What I'm hearing is lean into the anxiety. - Exactly. So the same four steps I just took you to, you would do with the anxious part. So you might start by just recognizing I'm super anxious right now.

I'm going to lean into what Gabby's saying. She's saying anxiety might be a form of protection. So instead of pushing past or overriding or shutting down or forcing the anxiety to stop, because we know what happens when we do that, that just creates more anxiety. Instead, I am going to

Check in with it. So instead of checking out and pushing past the anxiety and making it worse, I'm going to check in with it. Choosing to check in means that you're choosing to focus your attention inward. Step one. I'm just going to keep repeating so it really comes through. Step two, I'm going to become curious about the anxiety. Where is the anxiety in my body? What do I know about it? Are there any images or thoughts or sensations or feelings or beliefs attached to it? And that's when you might see, Jason, you might see an image of yourself as a kid.

You might see like almost like I sometimes when I check in with my anxiety, I see the Tasmanian devil. Like I see this imagery of like this like crazy energy just moving like this. And so you start to get this sensation of who that part of you is inside. And what's that curiosity offering you? It's offering you connection to the part of you.

And once that part starts to feel some connection, you would go to the third step and you'd offer compassion and you'd say, what do you need? And the anxiety will usually say something like, I need your rest. You know, I need a hug. I need, I need to breathe. Then you can give it a little bit of breath. And then you would go to the fourth step and you'd see, you'd check for those qualities of self. Do I feel calmer now? Do I feel connected to this part?

Do I feel more compassion? And if you ask that fourth step is how do I feel about this energy now? How do I feel about this part of me? And you'll notice that this calmness will come forward. I'm going to do it with you. I really want you to experience it. And I'm just going to make a comment before we do that. Let's do it. I think it's so interesting in that I think when anxiety strikes, no one likes it. You want to get out of it quickly. And so there's this idea of like, what's wrong? How do we speed it up?

and we end up spiraling versus how do we slow it down? How do we become more aware? And as a consequence, you end up probably

Getting out of it by I think with step four you mentioned step four is when you can really witness the miracle step four is when you are Checking back in with that part now that it's experienced some curiosity and connection and you're noticing Self-energy and I really want to drive home what self-energy is there's a quote in the book by Stephen Kranz who is a IFS practitioner and he references self as the Sun behind the clouds and

And the sun is always there, but the clouds are covering it. The clouds are the protectors, the behavior, the beliefs, the patterns, the behaviors that are just trying to manage our lives. And as you start to do this work with this compassionate inquiry and you look inward, the clouds begin to lift and the energy and the light of the sun begins to emerge naturally.

So self-energy is the truth of who we are. It's the God within us. It's the Buddha nature. It's the spirit within us. It's the inspiration within us. It's the calm, connected inner parent, the therapist inside, the inner guidance system. We talk about this in spiritual practices.

That self-energy is at its core the truth of who we are. It's who we were before we experienced these traumas. It is our true nature. It's childlike. It's free-flowing. It's creative. It's calm. It's connected. It's courageous. It's compassionate. It's got this confidence, right? These C qualities. And it's been burdened. It's been covered by the clouds of these protection mechanisms.

And so if you can see that you go through these four steps of instead of overriding that protection mechanism, pushing past it, drinking over it, fighting over it, working over it, avoiding it at all costs, pushing it down, running from it, we instead choose to check in with it. We become compassionate, curious towards it. And then we can see with that curiosity and that compassionate connection, it begins to feel more connected inside. It activates.

It accesses that sun of self and that self-like sun starts to move forward and starts to emerge naturally. And in that fourth step, that's when you're checking in your system and saying, how do I feel right now? Ooh, I feel some self. I feel some calm. I feel some compassion towards that part of myself. I feel some connection. And if you even get an inch, a molecule of that self-connection, that's enough because this is about rinse and repeat.

Do this four-step practice once a day, three times a day, one minute a day. Do it while you're journaling. Do it while you're meditating. I've got all these meditative self-help journeys that I take people through inside my app. Just let yourself be guided. Every single chapter of this book is just these four steps. There's no other practices in the book. These four steps are intertwined through every single chapter. If you can master this check-in process, you can stop checking out

And you can start checking in and you can release the clouds to the presence of that self sun energy inside of you. So let's walk us through the four steps. Let's say it's, I think probably a lot of our listeners have to some degree and everyone has performance anxiety. I've got a presentation. I've got a big meeting. I've got a number I want to hit.

Walk us through what that would look like. I kind of want to walk you through it as a demo. Are you open to that? Sure.

We don't have to do it. And the cool thing about this book is we're not trying to go to those exiles, those really extreme traumas. We're just trying to go to the day-to-day parts of us that are managing our lives, right? For me, it's a controller. For me, it's some people, it's a people pleaser. Some people might be a perfectionist. You just mentioned one, which is the performance anxiety. Is that something that you resonate with? Sure. Of course. I think a

a lot of entrepreneurs do. Sure. Is there something more up for you right now, like a way that you may be in protector mode right now that you feel safe talking about? I want to work with something that is resonant for you. Well, look, I think as an entrepreneur, what's always top of mind for me is performance. You know, how do we hit that number we want to hit? What happens if we don't hit the number? Like what, you know, so I think that's what's top of mind for me. Okay. Okay, great. So let's check in with the performance anxiety.

And the reason I want your listeners to experience it from you is to just witness the process. Okay. So I appreciate this part of you having the bravery to step in and do this work with me. So thank you. Okay.

So step one is to choose to check in with that performance anxiety. And that's what you're calling it, right? Yeah, loosely. Yeah. So do I have that buy-in from you? Does the part want to check in? Does it feel comfortable doing it here? Sure. Okay. So that's step one. We've done step one, choosing to focus your attention inward. So Jay, you might want to close your eyes. You might want to just focus inward if you feel comfortable, whatever feels good for you. You can keep your eyes open, whatever feels good.

But focusing your attention inside, I want you to just notice where that performance anxiety lives inside your body. Where do you feel it? You can speak back to me if you feel comfortable. Stomach. Yeah. Is there any other ways that you might define that feeling or is there an emotional state connected to it? I would say less grounded, less at ease. Yeah. Not at ease in your stomach.

Any images or colors or sensations attached to it? You know, I'll think in terms of, you know, as I look at P&L, I think the red. You know, when I look at a P&L, you know, black and red, red is loss. You know, black is loss.

is in the positive. So I tend to think when I look at PNLs. So it's red, it's in your stomach. And there are any other thoughts or beliefs or sensations, anything that comes to mind? I think this idea of just disappointment. Disappointment. Is there? Beautiful, beautiful. How old is this part of you? Being a former athlete and competitive, I think I've had it for a very long time.

I like to win. I like to do well as an individual. I like the team to win. It doesn't feel good as an individual when you don't play well or when the team loses. And so I think I've had it for quite some time. And even when you're winning, you really want to make sure you're at the top of your game. The team is at the top of your game and you're ready for the next game, the next challenge.

So for as long as I can remember. For as long as I can remember is a very common response just to track with the listener. So usually when we ask these parts, how long have you been around? They're like, since I was five, for all of my life, since I was a baby. So I would say pre-dates might likely pre-date even the athlete. Is that possible? It's possible. Yeah. Well, you decide. I'm not going to give it to you. Yeah. Yeah.

Any other thoughts or images or sensations that this part may want us to know about it? You know, this desire to always perform and do well and to win. I think it's, for lack of a better word, I think it's who I am. I don't think it's going away. So in some ways, I think it's never ending. Yeah, so you're really blended with the part. You don't see it as a part of you. You see it as who you are. Yes, but I don't struggle with it. I've kind of been...

you know, embraced it to some degree. And are there any, before we go to the next step, are there any emotions that it ignites inside of you or just sort of feelings that it ignites other than the stomach? I think this idea of not being, you know, grounded. I know I said that previously. Okay, beautiful. So now that you feel, do you feel like you have a little connection to the part of you? Yes. The third step is compassionate connection. So we're going to just ask this part. Don't overthink it. Just ask the part of you, what do you need?

And let me tell you, then tell me what it says. What it feels like is at its core, there's this desire to perform, to win, and always looking on to the future. Well, we did this great. Well, we're moving forward to the next thing. I'm already off the next thing and thinking about that next thing. What it feels like I need and what I've kind of come to terms with is

Sometimes it's difficult for me just to be present and enjoy it and sit with it and not be ready to move on to what's next. Beautiful. So it needs presence. Yes. That's gorgeous. Now just place your hand where that is on your belly and maybe your other hand on your heart and just give it a little bit of breath and maybe just close your eyes into it just for a moment.

And just let it know that you heard that it needs some presence. And with that deep breath, just go to the fourth step now and just check in with the part and just notice how you feel in this moment towards that part of you or how you feel inside. A little bit more at ease. Anything else? I think I have become more accepting of it, but I would say probably a acknowledgement, more of an acknowledgement that I just kind of need to accept that this is

how I am, how I'm hardwired. And it's going to be difficult to often try to be present and take the time in those moments, but it's something I kind of need to work on. So what's beautiful is you said, Jason, that you feel a little bit more at ease. Can we lean into that little molecule of ease? Just for a second, you know?

A little bit more at ease and a little bit connected. Could you say maybe a little connected to the part today? Just like slightly? Yes. Little connected. Yeah. Do you feel like you have a little bit more clarity about it? Yes. That it might be a part of you and not you?

Did that come through at all? Like how this maybe you use the words, this is just who I am, but maybe from this process, could you open up to a little bit of curiosity? Like maybe, maybe this is not who I am, but just maybe a part of who I am. Could you open, is that feel curious to you? Sure, sure, sure, sure. Of course. Nice. Okay. All right. So we've got calmness, connection, and curiosity. You have a little self-energy emerging through here, Jay. Okay. Okay.

Little self-energy is coming through and you're slowly in this moment actually untangling from that blended state with the part, right? So we get blended with it. We like think I just am an addict, right? Or I just am an overachiever. I just am this high performer that needs to keep performing, right?

But from this perspective, this internal family systems perspective, the self-help perspective I'm teaching you, it's just a part of who you are that's been protecting you. Steps have offered you just today a tiny bit of connection.

a little bit more clarity. Oh, maybe that is a part. And a little bit more calmness. Yeah? Yes. So we did the steps. We did the steps successfully. These parts have been around for a long time. I just want to unpack this for you just for a second. So these parts have been around for a really long time. And they've been working really, really hard to keep us safe. So this part of you that is this performer has been around, like, as you said, for as long as you can remember.

It's been working really hard to keep you safe. And it's not comfortable to check in with. There's a lot of resistance when we start checking in. But we're not going for total perceptual shift. We're going for a little clarity, a little bit more calmness, a little bit more curiosity, a little more creativity. Even the slightest molecule is enough. Because what happens when we repeat these behaviors? What happens when we just keep going back to this four steps?

What will end up happening is more and more of those C qualities will come through in that fourth step. You'll start to notice a little bit more calm tomorrow and more clarity and more creativity and more confidence to change. And you're not forcing yourself to become new. You're checking in with this young part of yourself. You're letting the internal parent be curious, compassionate, and connected. And it can soften subtly. And then you rinse and repeat.

Do a little bit more, a little bit more. And you keep titrating a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. And the more you check in, the more self-energy starts to emerge. And then the less you need to check out. Right. It's like if you want to know how to change a habit, this is it.

Check in instead of check out. And then the next time you notice the habit, check in instead of check out. And the next time you notice the habit, check in instead of check out. Just keep repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating. So you mentioned confidence. How critical is confidence in this process? And more generally, because I think it's, if you're going to, because there are some people who are going to look at this process and again, start to doubt. I think people who are more confident will maybe dive in.

and won't look back, won't get tripped up. I actually don't think you need the confidence to start the practice. I think you just need the willingness. All you need, if you're someone who's walking around saying there has to be a better way, or if you've ever found yourself saying, is this it? You know, is this what life is about? Like, is this it? Or here I am again. Oh, I did that thing again.

Or, wow, wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to keep falling back into that pattern? Then this is your book. This is your book. All that's required is the willingness to heal. That's it. The confidence is inside of you already. The confidence emerges naturally. Then let's talk about willingness.

For some people, it's a superpower. It's ingrained in them. It's their DNA. For others, they maybe struggle with it. Willingness actually isn't something that we have to go out and find. It's something that we have to just pay attention to. So I got sober 19 years ago. The way that I was able to get sober wasn't because some people staged an intervention. It wasn't because I was sent to a treatment center. It was because I was willing to heal.

And that slight willingness was all I needed to walk into that recovery room and then walk in the next day and walk in the next day and walk in the next day. And 19 years later, rinse and repeat. Here I am clean and sober. And so that willingness really is oftentimes it's a gift we receive when we hit a bottom. Oftentimes it's a gift we receive when we become fed up with our patterns and behaviors.

oftentimes it's something that is presented to us. We are, you know, sent to a treatment program or we are had an intervention and, and then we just say, okay, throw my hands in the air. I'm just going to give it over.

Sometimes willingness comes through prayer. There's a whole chapter in the book that's a very spiritual chapter about how we can access prayer and that prayer. Sometimes when we feel like there's no chance in hell, Gabby, that I'm going to check in. I don't have any ability to even contemplate turning inward. But all I could do maybe is just say I need help. That's where prayer comes in.

So, you know, I've been going through some, you know, my own working with parts of myself that just keep coming up and keep coming up. And I've been doing such deep work with them, with my therapist on my own, with the self-help practice. And I kept hitting a wall and hitting a wall. And then I was like, you know what? Instead of forcing myself to check in, I'm just going to pray. And every day I'd wake up and I would just say, I need help. I need help. I surrender this one. Once again, I need some help. And that was just enough for the day.

So I think that the willingness actually can come, one, through the desire to change, two, through a prayer asking for help, three, through an intention. You know, it's the new year. We might be in a place where we're like really willing to do something new because this is just momentum around this time of year. Ride the wave of that momentum. Start practicing these steps. So how do you navigate the tension between willingness, work ethic, and

really, you know, putting in that effort versus surrender, prayer, letting go, you know, pushing against that wall, trying to slam open that door, but then having the wherewithal, the awareness to also maybe surrender. The lack of surrender and willingness, right? And the slamming the doors against the wall and just hitting your head against the desk and all that. But ask the listener, how's that working out for you? Not that great, hey?

It's an uphill battle. But you have to, but just to stay on it. So I know you, you work so hard. I know you do. You have tremendous work ethic, but you're also deeply spiritual. You've got the blend. I think some people, I think finding that blend is difficult where you tend to get people who work very hard, but kind of throw out the surrender piece. And then you've got another group of folks who maybe surrender and leave a little too much and don't really put in the effort.

and say, why hasn't this happened yet? I thought I manifested it. So how do you navigate that? Because it is difficult. Well, I believe in spiritually aligned action. I don't think that any action that we take that's out of alignment with that self-energy, right? Or that spiritual energy, which is one in the same. If we're not in a calm, connected, confident, courageous, curious, clear place, and we're taking action, then we're taking action from a protector part.

We're taking action because we're thirsty, trying to get that date to call us back. And that's the action that we're taking. Or we're thirsty, trying to be seen on social media. And we're taking an action by posting something, but the energy is so thirsty, right? Or we're taking an action by making sure we get that P&L straight, whatever it is, but it's very anxious energy behind it. That...

action may have some impact, but it won't have success. It won't have longevity. It won't even reach the fraction of what is actually our capacity. It will never even manifest a fraction of the greatness that it could if we instead chose to take action from our self-energy.

So right now, sometimes that requires actually stopping action. If you're someone like me or you who is a really action oriented person in our cases, it may mean like actually witnessing, Oh, that action I'm taking right now is an action that I'm taking from my protector part that wants to control things. I got to go check in with that part. I got to check in with that part. And in doing so I can,

get back to that place of calm and connection and confidence. And in that one minute of checking in, I can then go back to that action and start over from self rather than from that protector part. That's how you have success. Understood. So you're busy, you're a mom, you got a book. What's your must-have non-negotiable in the morning? So right now it's this four steps. Every morning I wake up and even...

Even if my son is waking me up, it's 5.55 or if I'm waking up naturally, I will place my hand on my heart, my hand on my belly. I'll breathe in. I'll check in with the first thought or feeling or sensation that came to my mind. Usually it's like, what do I have to do today? And I will check in with it rather than check out because if I'm going to check out, what I might do is go

just go to my phone and just start texting people. Or if I check out, I might jump out of bed and just rush my son to get out the door so I can get to my desk or whatever the thing is that I have to fix in the moment. And so what I'll do instead is I'll do the four steps and I'll place in bed, hand on the heart, hand on the belly, just notice the thought, the feeling, or the sensation that's blocking me. I might take a deep breath in, then I'll get curious, then I'll get compassionate, ask what it needs, and then I'll notice the C qualities of calm or connection or compassion, and then I'll get out of my bed and I'll take my actions.

How do you close your day? Well, I close my day right now by doing a journaling practice where I sort of take an inventory of my day and I notice the moments where I was connected.

And that practice is new. It's like a few weeks new right now. And I'm doing it because what I'm, I'm living through a lot of my own mental reconditioning and I'm noticing such neuroplasticity and just major changes happening. So I'm documenting it literally. I'm writing down like today, this shift happened to really like take it in and feel it.

It's like a little bit, little minor inventory list of like, these are the shifts from the day. What's the biggest shift you've noticed? The absolute biggest shift that I am experiencing right now is the surrender shift of giving over with clarity. So it's not like, cause I actually kind of quit my job a month ago. Really? Yeah. I quit my job as I knew it. I quit my job as I knew it.

The part of me that I've been working with for 20 years of therapy is the part that had the belief that if I don't do it, nobody will. And that belief has been creating a lot of chaos in my life, right? So if you carry that belief, what are you going to do? You're going to do everything. You're going to be the this and the that and the this and the talent and the writer and the podcaster and the speaker and the marketer and the this. No one can do all that. And I've been trying to for a long time. And so I quit that job of trying to do all that.

And so in doing so, I accessed self. You know, I've been doing the four steps. I've been doing the therapy and I'm getting closer and closer to self. And I'm asking self, OK, what would you want me to do? And so self is clear, right? Self is a clarity quality. And so that clarity let me write a memo to my team that said, letting you lead. And at the top of that page, very vulnerably, I'll share that I wrote to my team.

When people ask me what I do, I say I'm a motivational speaker and a self-help book author. But right now, that's actually a lie because what I have been doing is email briefs and marketing ideas and driving the parts of the business that don't have the clarity or the processes in place. And I said, the good news is, is that I've attracted this team of really great professionals and you all have the qualities and the capacity to lead.

And so it is now with your support that I give you the responsibility of all these things that are taking me away from the things I should be doing. And the clarity I have is, you know, and I laid it out, like, keep me at the top of the strategy and then let me step away in this. And then here are my review processes. And my expectation is that you're going to have systems and processes and clarity in your world. And so I was able to lay it out in a very clear way.

brief for them of what I want and how we're going to get there and the expectations I have. And then the next step with that clarity is the confidence and the courage to give it over, which is what I'm practicing every single day. So I quit that job.

And I'm in a new one. I quit my job a month ago. And one step at a time, I keep getting more and more clear about the new role, I'm assuming. And what is that new role? That new role is the original role, right? It's the role of that youthful, calm, connected part that's no longer burdened by the story that if I don't do it, nobody else will because she's done so much beautiful work to help heal that story. And

And in this new role, who can she be? She can be creative. She can be curious. She can be confident and courageous, connected. And what are those qualities of that new role, Jason? Very childlike qualities, right?

It's free. It's fun. So when I'm no longer burdened by this adult role of trying to manage my world that I've been in since I was six years old or whenever the traumas occurred and I'm unburdened from that, what can I do? I can return to the childlike truth of who I am. And does that mean that I don't have to show up for my job and be, you know, give high level strategy and hold people accountable and have expectations? No, of course I do. But I can do it with that clarity rather than with the chaos. So.

I know you're a mom and for other parents listening, how do we start to instill this in our kids? It's such a great process for children. It's so extraordinary. So what do kids want when they're upset? We have children, our kids are upset. If Ali's upset, my six-year-old, and he's going through something, I am not going to say, you're fine, you're fine, get over it, you're okay, right? That's like a fuck you to a kid, okay?

Not going to do that. And I'm not going to go straight in with these steps because little kids, they need buy-in, right? You need their buy-in. You need step one, choose to check in. So I'll look at him and I'll say, I see you're upset about X, Y, Z. I totally see that. Let me know when you're ready to check in about it. I'm available for you. If you want to check in right now, we can check in about it. If you're not, like, we'll come back to it. And sometimes he'll say, I

say, no, mommy, I'm fine. And then like later that night, right? Those wee hours before bed, we'll sit and we'll, we'll cuddle in the bed and I'll say, so how are you feeling now about that? And that's sometimes when this truth will emerge. So I'll know that he's given me some buy-in. Okay. And then I'll get curious. Okay. So, you know, how did that feel for you? Or what do you, what do you know about that? Or can you tell me more about that? What are you feeling? What are you noticing? He'll tell me the truth will come out with the curiosity. And

And then I'll go to the third step, compassionate connection. And I'll say, I see that's hard for you. And is there anything you need? Is there anything mommy can help you with? What do you need? And then he'll say, I need X, Y, Z, right? And then I'll ask him, how do you feel now? Do you feel a little bit more calm or do you feel a little bit, do you feel my compassion towards you? Do you feel connected to me? And I'll let him feel that feeling, like let him notice that felt sense.

And I'm just guiding him through this processing. And the beauty of this is that I'm teaching him how to process his big feelings by borrowing my self energy because little kids don't, they need ourself. Ourself has to be the regulator for them. And so by taking him through this, instead of overriding or, you know, saying you're fine, you're fine or ignoring or pushing it down or, or minimizing it, I'm saying, see, there's something going on here. You tell me when you're at step one, you want to check in.

And then I can take him through the steps, but he doesn't need to know I'm doing it. You know, it's just a casual conversation. What do kids want? They want to be, as Dan Siegel says, they want to feel seen, soothed, secure and safe. And so what does curiosity offer? Being seen. What does compassionate connection offer? Being soothed and safe. And so that that's being seen, soothed, safe and secure.

And then what does it mean to have a parent reflect back to you their self-energy? Do you feel my compassion towards you? Do you feel a little bit more calm with me? Asking those questions lets them embody that secure feeling. So practice these principles on yourself. Master the four steps on yourself. Read every chapter of this book. Do the practice. Do the practice. The more ingrained it is in you, the more natural it will become for your child.

Period. Beautiful. So I'm going to hold up the book. Self-help. Everyone go buy it. In addition to picking up the book, any words of wisdom or anything else you'd like to offer our audience before we go? Well, I think anyone that's still listening to us right now or really any MindBodyGreen reader or listener is my dream reader for this book.

Because your audience has raised their hand in this lifetime and said, I want to feel good. I want to do whatever it takes to feel good, physically, emotionally, spiritually. And that is the kind of person that can pick up a book that says self-help in big orangey letters. And they can sit outside very confidently in the public and read that book and claim to the universe, make a statement to the universe that I'm ready to go big in this lifetime.

And the subtitle of this book is This Is Your Chance to Change Your Life. And I would never have put that subtitle there on that book if I didn't know personally that these tools will change your life. I promise that. Practice these four steps, one minute a day. That promise is real. You will change your life. Promise it. Powerful stuff. Gabby, thank you so much. Always a pleasure. Thanks, Jay. Thank you so much.