From Hugs to Happiness: The Importance of Physical Affection
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Ed sent this email to me. He wrote, I'm 69, divorced after 30 years of marriage. The divorce came from many things. We became inattentive to each other. Now I'm on my own and thinking that if I would just have treated her kindly, I might be living in a different life today. I miss the happiness we had.

and i dream about the happiness that i still believe we could have with those thoughts in mind i wrote the following poem a kiss a touch a smile a snuggle a hug holding hands in public how many times did i shy away how many times did i withhold how many times did i appear uninterested how many times did i appear uncaring and now how much do i want

A kiss, a touch, a smile, a snuggle, a hug. Please continue sharing your message that growing part is nothing more than a poor excuse and that treating each other kindly requires very little effort, particularly when compared to the loss that comes as a result. Signed, Ed. When you show affection, you're showing love. It's another way to say I love you.

but far too often couples just let it slip away they stop sitting close to each other on the couch they stop holding hands as they walk down the street it's sad really i had a husband call one time he was about to dump his wife in spite of the fact that he had a couple of kids still at home he just i don't know didn't love her anymore i gave him one of my ridiculous assignments that i'm famous for i said tonight at dinner get up out of your chair

Go to the refrigerator to get something. It doesn't matter what. And as you pass by your wife, brush your finger across her back. The guy called back and couldn't believe how much that small touch reignited the loving feelings within him and gave his marriage the spark he needed. The power of touch is amazing. Physical affection releases oxytocin, the hormone that causes a calming sensation. It's an actual hormone that's associated with bonding.

which is why I'm constantly preaching, teaching, and nagging my callers to never forego affection, even if, like my caller Anna, you're no longer able to have a sexual relationship. As I explained to her, there's never a reason to give up on an affectionate one. Anna, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. What can I do for you? Well, I've been married for 35 years now,

And my husband is no longer interested in sex. And is there a reason you're aware of? I know that he suffers from ED and he has tried Viagra before and he said that it gives him headaches. Yeah. And, you know, the last time we had a conversation about, you know, the lack of intimacy, he

He just said he wasn't interested anymore. And then a couple of months ago, he came home with a prescription for Viagra. And, you know, it's like, can't get excited because he's done that before and nothing's ever come of it. And I'm just frustrated and sad and angry that, you know,

I've been waiting for him to retire because that was one of his excuses is, oh, when I retire, I'll make it up to you. Well, you know, he's been retired for eight years now and nothing has changed. So what is it you want to do now? Well, I don't know what to say or do anymore.

I've talked until I'm blue in the face. Are you willing to live with him with affection and kindness and companionship without the sex? You know, I probably could if there was some type of physical affection. You know, come sit on the couch beside me. You know, we don't even sleep in the same bed.

And how did that come about? His snoring. Oh, well, that's a different issue altogether. While you're unconscious, you don't have to be in the same bed. But I'd suggest you need to be more assertive. You go sit on the couch, hand him his beer or whatever, and watch a movie together and snuggle with him and say, we don't have to have sex. I just want to dismiss the snuggling. Because just like women, men, if they're having a hard time

being sexual, want to avoid everything related to it because they feel pressured. Like if they do that, then they'll have to do everything and they can't do everything. So you're going to have to be more assertive yourself with the affection and just say, you know, until we go to sleep, let's snuggle together a bit. I just miss that. Just the snuggling. So introduce just affection and touching. But you'll have to introduce that because he's afraid of it right now. Okay.

Makes sense. Yeah. I will do that. Good. Excellent. I think it'll make the quality of life much better. Touching is so important. I have to take a break now. They make me do this at regular intervals, but I'd like you to reflect on a time where you were feeling really crappy and somebody gave you a hug. How did that feel? Take that with you for the rest of your life. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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Physical touch is important even if you're not married or in a romantic relationship. Human beings need physical contact. Absolute requirement. Physical affection improves your immune response, lowers your blood pressure. You know how when somebody holds your hand, it just calms you down? Touch somebody's hand when they're sad. Touch their arm. Hold their hand. It'll have more of an impact than anything you say. At age 59, my caller Cheryl was craving the comfort of a hug.

from her only living sibling her sister carmen on the other hand thought cheryl's need for a hug was a little unnecessary and a bit ridiculous instead of continuing to quarrel over the importance of affection the sisters called me cheryl welcome to the program hello dr laura

Hi. I am here with my sister Carmen and I. I'm 59 and she's 58. I'm calling because we've been sisters all our lives since we were born. That's a very funny comment. It is. Yes. You've been sisters your whole life. No. What were you going to turn into, brothers? No.

No, I was just saying. And both of us are here. So the problem is that we have never shown any affection in our family at all. It's me, Carmen, and we have another sister who passed away last year.

I never touched my sister. I never touched Carmen. I mean, we don't hug. We don't say I love you. We're not affectionate at all. And I don't like that, which I told her.

And when I told her, because I felt we should do something differently, especially since it's just the two of us now, she went to Facebook and told basically the world. And so everybody wrote saying we need therapy and laughing at us and all that. But I was really very serious. And so I want you to help us be more serious.

I'm sorry, are you both in the same room? Okay, well put down the phone and hug each other. We tried to do it before and it was really well get out of the car. Get out of the car. Yes, in public. It's not illegal.

You won't be arrested for two middle-aged women hugging each other. I promise. Get out of the car. Oh, okay. It's raining. I can find a way to hug her in the car. Just get out of the car. This is not too complicated. I said get out of the car. I'm getting out of the car. Both of you get out of the car. Both of us are getting out of the car right now. Good. We're in the rain. We're out. Good.

Hug each other. She won't get out. She won't get out. Okay, she's getting out now. She's getting out now. I have to say, Dr. Lahr, we did hug once and Cheryl said I was big and bulky. Well, you probably are. So what? More to hug. We did it. Well, you're both big and bulky. You both have more to hug. Don't get distracted by that.

And don't let your... Okay, everybody listen to me right now. Yes, ma'am. I don't want any snarky comments that come from discomfort of hugging. The only thing I want to hear from the both of you is, I love you. Wish we could have hugged every day of our lives. That's what I want to hear you both say. So, hug. We hug. No, I mean the hug has to last 15 seconds. Oh. So tell me when you start. I'll count to 15. Okay. Okay.

Now, okay. She's crying. Good. That's excellent. Okay, we're restarted. Hug your crying sister. It's beautiful. Beautiful. I'm not crying. I'm just, this is so weird. Okay, be weird. What number are you on? Are you two going to keep yapping? Shh. I'm going to go extra time because you were yapping. Okay. Stop the hug. Thank you. No, we're not done. Cheryl, tell Carmen what that meant to you.

Carmen, that was very comforting to me. Nice. Carmen, tell Cheryl what that meant to you. I think that was Cheryl talking. She said Carmen. Tell Cheryl what that meant. That was, it was different. It was different. What did that mean to you? Telling me something is different has nothing to do with its personal emotional meaning to you.

It meant... Oh, this is so hard. Well, what did it feel like to you? Your sister said it was comforting to her. What was it to you? I guess I feel closer. I mean, I feel like... I mean, it felt like we're sisters. It's very hard to say. We live together.

I'm not asking you to go on and on. I'm only asking you to say, and I know this is hard for you. It was difficult. It was difficult. Not because I don't love her, but just because we don't do it. But it wasn't uncomfortable. So I could do it again. Well, let's do it again. Okay. Yeah.

Yes, three, two, one, hug. And stay there until I tell you. And don't talk. No talking. Okay. Okay, good. Okay, Carmen. That was beautiful. She pulled me in closer, so she didn't, it wasn't like she, it hurt a little bit. She pulled me very close to her, though, so I felt that it wasn't just made up. I felt that it was sincere. I guess that's the word, it felt sincere.

Nice. Now, I'd like to hear you both simultaneously repeat after me. You ready? You're both going to repeat after me at the same time, looking at each other. Are you ready? Ready. No, her eyes are closed. I'm ready. Okay. I wish. I wish. We could have done this. We could have done this. Our whole lives. Our whole lives. And we're going to do it.

And we're going to do it. I only heard one of you. Let's do that again. And we're going to do it. I only hear one of you. And we're going to do it. For the rest of our lives. For the rest of our lives. Thank you, Dr. Lutz. You're welcome, ladies. Never let go of each other. Yes, ma'am. Between now and dead, it really is a beautiful thing to have your sister hug you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. You're welcome. Break time, whether you want it or not. Here we go. Take your right hand at the end of your arm and wrap it around your left shoulder. Take your left hand attached to your left arm and put it around your shoulder. Snuggle in and say, hi. Kisses, hugs, kisses, hugs. And keep doing that till I get back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Paper. Paper.

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. There are all kinds of books about love. Language is this, language is that. But what is love without expressing it through affection? When a husband or a wife calls me for tips on how to get back that love and feeling, my answer is usually hug, touch, hug, touch. You'll be amazed how your relationship will change overnight, if not instantly.

It sort of reconnects you to everything that has been beautiful between you. And that's what I explained to Terry and Rick when they called to save their marriage. Hi, Terry. Hi, Rick. Hello. And how long have you been married? 28 years. 27. 27. When's your anniversary? We just had our anniversary on March. Ah, okay. Yeah.

So which is it, 28 or 27? It's just 27. Okay. Okay. What can I help you with? Well, we've been together for 32 years. We've been married for 27 of those years. And through that marriage, we have two daughters that are grown and out of the home, and

I do have a stepson. However, there was no marriages prior. He had a child out of wedlock, and he is my son. He's grown adult and gone as well. For several years, we have fought about affection levels and my inability that I've not shown him the affection. Okay, Terry, Terry, Terry. Yes? It is...

impossible to not have the ability. No, I have the ability. I've not shown him the affection levels that he desires. Have you shown on your frame of reference, just asking you now, for how much affection you think in general a wife should show a husband from zero to 10, 10 being really a lot, where would you say you would place yourself?

Based on my feeling or what I feel, he would say. No, I didn't ask you about anybody's feelings. I asked you an entirely different question. I'll do it again. I was wondering, based upon what you think is a reasonable amount of wifely affection to show a husband from zero to ten, where would you say you put yourself? Probably about a two or a three. Okay.

Okay. Why would you want to stay married to a man you don't wish to show affection toward? I do wish to show affection. I love him dearly. Well, I'm a little confused now since you have arms and legs and a mouth, so you can speak and touch and caress and cuddle. So why would you not give this man that you love so much affection, do you think? I feel... I feel...

I think that for many years, it's just I've become more comfortable and just, oh, we go with the flow. It is as it is, which is wrong. I have no idea what that means. I have no idea what that means. My question was, seeing that you expressed that you have this great love for him, why would you hurt him this much on purpose?

I don't believe I'm trying to do it on purpose. Yes, you are. You're a two out of 10 intentionally not giving him affection, which you know every human being needs, much less every husband. So of course it's intentional. It's not an accident. Your brain works fine. You're both on the line because he wants more from you. You know that and you are intentionally withholding it. So what's the point? Are you hostile about something? Are you resentful about something? Why are you punishing him?

I'm just, you know, trying to figure out the why. Maybe we can fix the problem and then you can turn the spigot back on. But we are intentionally, you are intentionally hurting him. So I'm just wondering, what do you think is behind that?

You know, I don't want to go back to the past, but I feel that... No, you can't go back to the past. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. The past is not here. The only thing we human beings have, really, is today and tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow. So to say, I am going to lead my current and future life based on yesterday...

is nuts. Counterproductive, useless, can never be remedied. There's nothing we can do about yesterday. If you love somebody today, you treat him that way today. You're right. Yesterday doesn't matter anymore. Okay. It can't because we're hopeless about doing anything for yesterday. It's hopeless. It's impossible. So that's why I came up with the question that I often ask people.

How do you want your life to be between now, right now, and dead? Happy. Well, we can't be happy when we're not showing love. We are not happy people. Human beings are not happy when they're not showing love. That's just a truth. I never looked at it that way. So your happiness depends upon you turning the spigot back on. Okay. Because you're not happy now.

And you could be. It just takes one caress, one sweet word, one snuggle, one touch, one fluttering of eyelashes, one look in your eyes that shows him what you say you feel inside, and you'll be happy. Okay. Because no woman behaving like that is anything but happy. You can't be sad or miserable or angry or pissed off or anything when you're caressing him. True. Are you driving your car? No. Good. Close your eyes.

Okay, I'd like you to picture his face. Describe it a little to me, by the way. Describe his face. Keep your eyes closed and describe his face. Okay, it's round. He has big eyes, a big smile, no hair. That's all right. I thought Yul Brynner was pretty hot. Okay, what can you say right now that will take the smile off his face? Say it.

That will take the smile off of his face? Yes. Just say. That I won't change. Okay. Take a breath. I didn't hear yours. I only heard mine. Let me hear a nice breath. Okay. Now I'd like you to picture his face not smiling. You got it? Mm-hmm. I want you to see your hand come forward and just caress his cheek. Just see that in your mind's eye.

Okay. How did that feel? Good. I want you to feel good. No matter what the two of you have gone through, he's still here for you. Do you know how fortunate you are? Very. That someone is still here for you. It is an unbelievable blessing over which you have just about total control. Keep your eyes closed. Okay, I'd like you to see his...

Body from the waist up. Tell me when you're there. I'm there. I want you to picture him coming over and just quietly hugging you. Tell me when you're there. Okay. I'm there. Are you playing with something? No. I'm sorry, that was me. Okay. How did the hug feel? Warm. You need that, don't you?

You need that, don't you? Yeah. We all do. Okay, you're at a two. What number would you like to go to by tonight? Pick a number. A five? Tonight you'll go up to a five. A six. Tonight you'll go up to a six. And then stay at a six for a few days and see what happens. See how good you feel. See how grateful you are to be alive. See how happy you are to wake up in the morning. Just see. Is that okay? Yes. Okay.

You guys can call me back next week. How's that? Thank you. Can I say one thing, Dr. Laura? Sure. I just would like to say I love my wife. Show her. Every human being requires physical touch. That's why hospitals have volunteers in the preemie wards, holding and touching the babies who are there for long stretches of time, helps soothe them, helps them bond. Very healing.

That's why senior citizen homes have regular visits from therapy dogs. Touching, petting, hugging these dogs increases the residents' endorphins, reduces their blood pressure, reduces stress, depression, and anxiety. That's why marriages with a lot of physical affection are happier than those without it. So, hug your siblings, hug your parents, hug your children, hug your pets, hug your friends, and of course, hug your honey.

I have a feeling you're going to enjoy it very much. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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