The Problem With Passive-Aggressive Behavior
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Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Do you have someone in your life whose actions don't match their words? You sense they're upset, but also that they're trying to conceal it from you. Maybe they give you the silent treatment, withhold intimacy, withhold praise. They're always procrastinating or running late or frequently critical. When you ask about it, they act unaware that there's a problem, huh?

Their behavior has a name. It's called passive-aggressive. My first experience really understanding blatantly in front of my eyeballs passive-aggressive behavior was when I was a therapist in practice. No, practicing to be a therapist, not a therapist already practicing. I never know why they talk about practicing when you already have your license, but okay. Because if you're still practicing, nobody should go to you. But anyway, anyway,

I had this couple, and it was the first session, and I was a newbie. I was sitting there paying a lot of attention, doing my best, and she said, he's just driving me crazy with the stuff he does. And he sat there and said, you know, she's very demanding and very perfectionistic, and I can't do enough to please her. So I'm sitting there thinking, oh, she must be a bitch. So I started asking her, well, what kinds of things are you asking him to do?

And she goes, well, like the other day. It's the weekend. We've got this bush that's getting out of control. I asked him to just trim it, just trim it back. And he says, and I did. And she still bitched. And I said, well, what did you have to bitch about? What was bitch-worthy after he trimmed the bush? And she said, he cut it down to the ground. I said, the ground? She goes, yes, there's about a half an inch between the dirt and the top of the bush. And I looked at him.

And he said, well, I trimmed it. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, b

feelings of anger. Basically, these behaviors are designed to get back at another person without the other person recognizing the underlying anger. These are the kinds of things a passive-aggressive person says when you're trying to deal with them. Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about their feelings, the passive-aggressive person insists, I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

sulking and withdrawing from communication, primary strategies of the passive-aggressive person. That's when they say, fine, whatever, and walk away. Shuts you down. No emotionally honest communication happens. This is what drives people to want to get a hatchet, okay? Passive-aggressive people verbally comply with the request. For example, you ask your child to clean his room. He says, cheerfully, okay, okay.

I'm coming. I'll do it. That's it. They say the thing, but don't do it. But they say it because it gets them time. And then when you say you didn't go do it, well, you didn't give me time. I said I would do it. Has to be done on your schedule. I said I would do it. God, you're nagging. You're nagging. You want to get out the hatchet. I didn't know you meant now. I thought six months from now would be adequate. My favorite one. My favorite personal one.

is you just want everything to be perfect. You're asking for something. They can't procrastinate, so they carry out tasks in a timely way, but do it in a crappy manner. That's when your kids hand in sloppy homework. That's when your husband or your wife makes the steak super well done when they know you like it still mooing. An employee always overspends a budget. You just want everything to be perfect.

So the passive aggressive person is complying with your request. Can you make me a stay? But carries it out in an inefficient way. And when confronted, the passive aggressive person defends their work, counter accusing you of being rigid or perfectionistic or naggy. A lot of you are sitting there and going, aha, this is what I'm putting up with in this marriage. This is what I'm putting up with with my parents. This is what I'm putting up with with my adult kids.

Sometimes the passive-aggressive person expresses their anger covertly by not sharing information when you really need to know it. And you know what they say then? Oh, I thought you knew. You know when you've called customer service when you have a technical issue or a problem with something and they go, we'd be happy to help. They hang up the phone and that's the last thought they have of you, no matter how nice you've been. The backhanded compliment

is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive-aggressive person insults you. Don't worry, you can still get braces on your teeth even at your age. Or, don't worry, there are a lot of men who like plump women. I love the one, your hair really looks good, for a change. This is by far the best hairdo I've ever seen on you.

Sort of implying that you look like crap all the other times. The two most insidious things to come out of the mouths of passive-aggressive types. Number one was, oh my, I was only joking. Really? Can't you tell a joke? Backhanded compliments. Vicious sarcasm. Biting. Passive-aggressive sarcasm. The hostile, passive-aggressive person says, as a victim, can't you take a joke? Making it your problem.

Last but not least, and my personal most hated, why are you getting so upset? Why are you getting so upset? Because the passive-aggressive person has a PhD in maintaining calm and feigning shock when others, worn down by his indirect hostility, finally blow up in anger. God, you overreact. Why are you getting so upset? Now,

How do you handle this kind of person? Mostly you avoid them. When you can't, it's important to be unbearably direct. I asked you to prune the bush in the back. I go in the backyard and see that you destroyed the bush. And now you're trying to make your destroying the bush look okay by telling me, I'm naggy. Look at the bush. You destroyed it. That's it. Declarative sentences.

You knew I needed to know what happened. You chose not to tell me. Your intent was not good. And I know it. Are you going to change them? Never. Passive-aggressive people never change. It's a personality structural disorder. It's permanent. I have to take a break now. So I want you to think seriously about how you annoyed me. What am I annoyed about? If you loved me, you'd know.

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Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. Passive-aggressive personality disorder is very annoying, and it doesn't go away. It's a lifelong pattern, and it can be detrimental to a marriage. When Anna called me, she didn't realize that her chronic forgetfulness was likely passive-aggressive. Anna, welcome to the program.

Hi there. Anna, there you go. Yes. Thank you so much. First, let me say that I'm a huge fan. And more than anything, I really do appreciate and have gained a lot of strength from your strength in every single way that you've demonstrated to us over the airways for so many years. And it's given me a lot of confidence moving forward in difficult and confrontational issues. So thank you.

Thank you. Sorry, I'm losing my breath. I'm a little nervous. The reason for my call is I'm trying to... I wanted to ask you if you had any pearls of wisdom or strategies to help me deal with a situation that I can't change and has kind of become increasingly more challenging for me. And that is... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I just want to make sure I understand my assignment. You're in a predicament or a situation and you're pretty certain it cannot change or...

will not change. It has no intention of changing, whatever. So when you say you want to learn how to deal with it, what does that mean? If you dealt with that, it meant you wouldn't be annoyed or upset by it anymore? Just say yes or no. Say yes or no. Yes. Yes. Okay. So you would like me to tell you a way to deal with something unpleasant and have it not bother you. Is that my assignment?

or perhaps if you have any ideas about how to make the situation better. I guess I'm assuming it can't change, but perhaps you may have a different perspective on that. Okay. What's the situation? The situation is that my husband and I

And he's a very good person. We are very, our personalities are very different. He's very detailed, oriented and specific. You tell him something, he remembers it. You only tell him once. He's very reliable, dependable, all those great qualities. With me, I don't remember every single thing that he tells me and he's much more pedantic and, you know,

kind of particular than I am. So in our marriage and having two kids, if he tells me something and I forget or we have a conversation and I don't recall having the conversation and I do something else and he reminds me, well, don't you remember we had this conversation or I told you to do this? He gets very,

very kind of upset and furious and impatient. And then he kind of says that you never listen and I always have to repeat myself and I can't trust you and you always do this, you do whatever you want. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You came on saying that you're in an unpleasant situation. I would offer that so is he with you. Yes, I would agree. Yes, I would agree. So it's not, you're not a victim here.

I guess in... You're not a victim. You're not a victim. I don't care if you find a way to feel like one, you're not. So I think it's fair for you to sit with him tonight and say, I've been feeling like I'm a victim because you get annoyed when I forget. And I don't know if what your problem with forgetting is. I don't know if you're passive aggressive or...

You put it out of your mind because, you know, passive aggressive personality does that. It listens, lets it go, does what it wants and then says, oh, gee, I forgot. So I don't know if you're passive aggressive or you have a your brain is not on all the cylinders or what, or you're too busy and overwhelmed. I don't know what your problem is, but you are the one with the problem.

He's coping with you. No, stay put with where I am. Don't argue and don't fight me. Okay? Okay. Because whether this marriage continues or not depends upon you hearing what I'm saying. You have to discern if you're a passive-aggressive personality or if there's something not functioning right cognitively. So from now on, when you two agree on something, may I suggest...

You write it down. If you have a cell phone, you can put it on your cell phone. We had a discussion. I agreed to this. For whatever your problems are in remembering, you have a perfect way to do it. You say, okay, sweetie, you know how I forget things all the time. So let me put this in my to-do calendar part of my cell phone. And problem is solved. Problem is only solved

If you're not passive aggressive. I don't know if you are. It's a personality disorder and it doesn't get fixed. But we'll find out. Because if you resist doing this and you forget to put it in right in front of him, then it's hostility. So let's do the experiment.

Tell him you spoke to me and all I suggested, don't tell him about the hostility or the passive aggressive because you have him painted as the bad guy. Just leave that all out and say, you talked to me about the situation and I suggested that when you two agree on anything, that you're to put it in your phone and then refer to it every day. So let's try the experiment. Okay. May I respond? No, no, no, you don't get to respond. You only get to do the experiment.

And the more you want to fight me on it, the more I think you're passive-aggressive. You don't want to remember it, and you want to pass it off into bad memory. It's a manipulation. I opened the program with manipulations. So from my point of view, you fighting me on this gives me an indication. You not following through on this gives an indication. But I feel down in my ankle bones, you are not the victim. You're making him crazy. And when you do, he loses his patience.

So, all it takes is you writing it down. If you've agreed to it, honor it. Unlike Anna, my caller Paul was acutely aware that the way he handled his anger and disappointment was taking a toll on his relationship with his wife. When we spoke, he was sincerely looking for a way to change. Paul, welcome to the program. Oh, hello, Dr. Lloyd. Hi. Laura. Hi. Pleasure to talk with you. I'm a little nervous. Thank you. It's all right.

I've actually just been listening to you a short time at the request of my wife over the past couple of months, and just in that time, you've already helped me to help resolve a family issue, which I don't even need to get into, but thank you for that. You're welcome. But that's not what I'm calling about today. I'm calling because—let me just take a deep breath. I'm very nervous. I'm sorry. Let's take a deep breath together. You ready? Okay. I'm not done. Okay. Okay, go ahead.

I feel good now. Thank you. A couple of weeks ago, when I was listening to your program, I listened in horror and embarrassment as you were describing what it means to be passive aggressive. Because I realized you were describing me perfectly. Yeah.

And I never knew that that was what was going on with me. I always have said that my wife, excuse me, that my mom is a passive-aggressive person. And my wife and I say that about my mom because of things that she says and things. And in my case, because I don't say passive-aggressive things verbally, I didn't really think that that was me. But...

After listening to what you said about it and then reading a little bit about it and realizing a lot about things that I don't do, things that I don't say, withholding things from my wife as far as affection or communication or things like this, it's all a passive-aggressive manipulation. Well, you learned from the best. Yeah, absolutely. The thing is, I don't want any part of it.

And I don't know, I read a little bit online and it's just the most grim outlook that you can possibly find. No, not with somebody who talks like you're speaking now. No. Okay. No. Okay. Don't forget with everything there's a range. There are some people who are passive aggressive and they are so weak and so frightened and so hostile that they're probably not going to change. Okay. But I don't have the feeling you're one of them.

Okay. But I want you to understand, change is not a straight line. Right. This is not going to go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. This is going to go 1, 2, 3, 1. 2, 3, 4, 3. Okay. Because habits are hard to break. And we tend to need our familiar actions. And we have to remind ourselves. Right. So give me two examples of things that you do that you consider passive-aggressive.

that seem to be real frequent issues in your marital relationship? Well, most recently, it was actually on Mother's Day. See, my wife...

She runs a fundraiser for a nonprofit, which has been a source of contention between the two of us, mainly because I'm a baby and I'm throwing a fit about not getting all of her attention. Because realistically speaking, she stays at home. She's there for the kids. It gets in the way every now and then, but not too often. But anyway, she was able to record a radio spot on local radio promoting the fundraiser.

and she recorded it on a Wednesday, and it went on air on Sunday. And I didn't listen to it. And this was a big, big deal. She had never been on radio before, and even as she was telling me about it, I was really proud of her, and I didn't listen to it. And I made a real reminder on my phone and everything, and when it came, I didn't listen to it. And it wasn't until that night that she said,

So-and-so said I sounded really good on the radio. You should have heard it or something along those lines. And that is probably the worst example of something I can come up with. But aside from that, there's probably five million other things.

including yesterday, whenever I basically didn't respond to a comment that she made. Gosh, I don't know if I'm going to get into it. Yeah, what was the comment? Okay. She was taking my daughter to a convention in town that she wanted to go to. We were going to take the four of us, our daughter, our son, and my wife and I, but it turned out to be more expensive than I thought. And aside from that, I really wasn't interested in going. Well,

Instead of saying, look, just take the girl and y'all have a good time, I just kind of hem-hauled around it. And whenever she would bring up, hey, I think so-and-so could watch the boy, so the three of us can go, and I just wouldn't say anything. And at one point, I didn't say anything, and I literally just left the room. And I turned around, and I came back, and I said,

That was passive aggressive of me. What I meant to do and say was, I'm not interested in going and it's expensive. I would like you to take our daughter and go. You know, so that worked out. But,

There's been too many to count, Dr. Laura. We've been married for almost 11 years. Yeah, but look what you just told me you did. But wait a minute. What happened 11 years ago, you know, I'm not going to stand up at night and worry about it. Look what you just did. You stopped yourself, you turned around, and you repaired it. Right. That's the beginning of great change. That was magnificent. Okay.

That's the best any of us can hope for. Remember I said 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 3, 4, 5, 3, 2. That's how it goes. You catch yourself and you realize this was wrong. I need to communicate. I need to show love. I love her. Right. You're right. You're a bit of a baby.

Your mother and men often, there are lots of ways men come out this way. And the way I think you came out this way is that your mother was not the most loving, affectionate, kissy-huggy, profusely expressing of affection mom that one could have. Was not and still is not. Okay. So you're a hungry little boy, you grew up into a man, and you want your woman to do all that because you missed out on it. Right. Right.

Which is not fair to her, obviously. No, no, but grown men get that love and affection by being loving and affectionate. You're wanting it to be just because you're there, which is what you should have gotten when you were little. But when you're an adult, you have to earn it. So I want you to get all the huggy kissy stuff you missed out on, but you have to prime the pump. You have to behave that way to her and then she'll slobber you.

I have to take a break now. Okay, it's fine. I don't mind. I'm cool. I'm good with it. Uh-huh. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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Black Bag, rated R, under $17.99 without parent. Only in theaters March 14th with special engagements in Dolby. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. On our Dr. Laura Facebook page, Kathy M. wrote this message about her husband. She said, quote, My husband used the silent treatment during the first few years of our marriage.

When I read that giving the silent treatment is a very passive-aggressive act, I stopped asking what I'd said or done wrong. I stopped trying to get back on his good side by baking his favorite desserts and begging him to talk. Most of the time, I had no idea what he was even upset about. I started going about my daily business as if nothing was wrong, basically ignoring his behavior. Eventually, he stopped giving me the cold shoulder.

I'm glad Kathy found a way to manage life with such a man, but passive-aggressive behavior doesn't usually change. It's a foolish type of relationship to volunteer for, so if you detect it in someone you're dating, hit the road, Jack.

If you're not married to the person, say it's a sibling, parent, or a friend, you should minimize the time you deal with them. It's helpful to identify their behavior as hostility in your head and not play into it, as I discussed with Nicole when she called about her mother.

Nicole, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. I'm so honored to get to talk to you. I've been listening to you for years and years and years, and I hear your voice in my head all the time. I just love you. And I'm sorry to have to be calling about this. I hope it's, I don't know, I'm trying not to be too nervous. Why are you sorry to be having to call about this?

Oh, because it's, I don't know, it's sort of a little, I don't know if it's a little thing or if it's indicative of something bigger or... But why are you sorry to call about it?

Oh, uh... That's an unusual thing for you to say. I guess I'm sorry to call about it because there have been so many times when I've thought about calling you about something related to this, and those were much bigger things, and I think that in a way maybe I should have... This almost feels like a waste of my first call, so I'm sort of regretting that I hadn't called you before when I had something bigger. Yeah.

I have a feeling you just told me a lot about your relationship with your mother. Wow. Think about that for a moment. The size of it mattered. So your feelings don't matter unless they're apocalyptic. I hadn't even thought about that. Yeah. Think about it right now. So let's go into... Now, with that in your mind, don't drop that from your mind and go on as though I hadn't said it. Keep that in your mind.

But your feelings don't matter unless they're apocalyptic. Now tell me what the problem is with your mother. Keep that in mind, though. Keep that in mind.

Okay, okay. So I've always had sort of a difficult relationship with my mom. And she sent out an email about a week ago saying, you know, reminding my sister and I that her birthday is coming up. But she didn't say her birthday. She just said December 15th. She reminded you that December 15th was coming up, but not her birthday? Correct. Are you serious? The email said December 15th is coming up?

Yeah, she said, I actually went back and reread it. And she said, December 15th is almost upon us. And what else? Can you read it to me? I can actually. She said, well, my darlings, December 15th is soon upon us. As usual, I will be giving you your usual Christmas present at that time. And then she said how much it is. And then she said, this is for you, your hubbies and the babies. I also need to get together to talk with both of you about your inheritance. Okay.

and could you come down here, basically. I know it's asking a lot, but could we meet closer to where she lives, which is an hour and a half away. And then she said, this is going to take some time, and I do not want to be too far away from Dad, because usually we try to meet somewhere halfway for lunch or something, but this time she wanted to be closer to where she lives. So all of this was in December 15th. She told you what you were... The email, did it go to your sister also? Yes. Okay.

And so she told each of you what you're getting for Christmas? It's just money. She gives us money and then we decide what to do with it. And does she give you both the same amount of money? Yes. Okay. Interesting. And now what? So we were trying to figure out...

We both have a lot of children, and we were trying to figure out what would be a time and a day that we could possibly meet. And we were trying to actually make it be on the 15th since it's a Saturday. But we have plans that evening, but it wouldn't be too far away from where they were living, so we were offering to come down that afternoon or early evening,

And that didn't work for my sister. So then we just sort of decided, well, what if we come down, my family, my husband and I and my kids come at that time and celebrate with her. And my sister was thinking that she would celebrate with my mom in the morning with her kids and have like a brunch or something. And my mom didn't respond, didn't respond, didn't respond.

So finally I called her. I was out running errands this morning, and I called her just to see if that would work. And she was very short, and she said, let's just forget it. I feel like you're trying to hem me in. This is stressing me out, so I'll just send you a check, and we'll see you next year. And I said, well, we're still getting together for Christmas, though, aren't we? Because I'm hosting Christmas this year. And she said, well, we'll see.

And I said, I feel like you're upset. Are you upset about something? She said, no, you're just really stressing me out and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Now, is this surprising? Is this typical? It surprised me that, I guess it surprised me because I didn't have any sense that this was coming just because we were talking about different days and different plans. No, that's not what I meant, dear. Is this surprising behavior on her part or is it typical behavior on her part? It's typical behavior on her part. Okay, then. So it's my way or the highway. Yeah. Yeah.

Which means your feelings don't matter. Yeah. Which is why you told, that's why you said that to me. Wow. Yeah. And so I think you ought to write her back going, sorry it didn't work out. Hopefully you'll show up for Christmas. It's very passive aggressive behavior. You can't allow her to manipulate you until she's dead. You've got to turn over a new leaf now.

Just be gracious. Sorry it didn't work out. Sorry you felt stressed. Hope you change your mind about Christmas. Okay. Do not argue about it and do not feel guilty about it. Okay. I'm going to let it go. Yes. It's her choice. Okay. Thank you, Dr. Laura.

She thought the money would be enough to manipulate, and I guess it wasn't. Yeah, she just found out how much. She's just come into money recently, and it's been a lot of little things like that lately. Yeah, don't get in the middle of it. Okay, I won't. But you really need to think about how you don't value your feelings, that they're small. I have to hide my feelings a lot from her because it makes her angry. I know. You told that to me first thing.

Wow. And you apologized. I didn't even realize that. I know. 46 years of not realizing it, but now you do, so don't let her play you anymore. Okay. Your feelings may not matter to her, but that doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. Do you see the difference? I do. When we're growing up, if our feelings don't matter to our mommy and daddy, we automatically leap to the notion that, therefore, our feelings don't matter.

Right. But at your age, you need to be able to separate it out. My feelings don't matter to my mother, but my feelings matter. Okay. Can you repeat that out loud for me? My feelings don't matter to my mother, but they matter. How does that feel to say? It actually feels kind of empowering and like a relief. Good. And eye-opening. Good. I think I have a tendency to push my feelings down and think, that's dumb, don't think about that, that's stupid.

Well, I hope you're going to minimize that over time. Is there someone in your life with passive-aggressive tendencies that are driving you nuts? I'm here to help. Give me a call at 1-800-DR-LAURA or make an appointment to speak with me on air at drlaura.com. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

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