How to Improve an Imperfect Marriage
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Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you? Thank you so much for taking my call. You're very welcome. I'm a little nervous from talking to you, but I'm 42 years old. I have a two and a half year old daughter. I've been married for six years and I'm having a problem with my husband. And

When he's good, he's really, really good. But when he's bad, he's really bad. And when I say bad, he... Doesn't the same go for you? No, it does. I would agree. Yeah, I would agree. But he has a short, huge temper. Well, then stop what you're saying. Then stop what you're saying. He is not going to be perfect. You are not going to be perfect.

You two have to be good enough, compassionate, understanding, and supportive of each other and kind in bad moments because we have a two-and-a-half-year-old who doesn't need her life destroyed. You're right. You're right. You're totally right. So tell me what you're going to do to change yourself as of this phone call. I'm going to think about my daughter and what's best for her and put my best foot forward and not sweat the small things. Now, be specific about how to interact with him. How are you going to change?

how you interact with him based on this phone call? I'm going to be loving and kind because he does respond, obviously, in a positive way when I'm not snotty, of course. When you're snotty, does it make you happy while you're being snotty? Do you feel happy? No, not at all.

Well, then why do it? It doesn't feel good. What could we do instead of snotty? That would make you feel better. Think of a time something happened and you went into snotty mode. Think about how that might be handled differently. Just think right now. I could have diffused the situation by instead of being defensive, I could have been kinder and nicer and responded with a better comment instead of trying to dig back.

That's probably number one on the hit parade for marriages, getting defensive and hitting back. It's probably the number one thing. And believe it or not, mostly we do that and we've a little bit misinterpreted what the other person said and meant. So the best thing to do, I think, when you're getting into that mode of striking back is to say, let me understand, is this what you mean? I should pick my nose at only three in the afternoon. I'm just making up something.

Is that what you mean? Now think about that. I opened the program up two and a half hours ago talking about taking things slower, slower. So if you were to slow down and inquire, be curious as to what he meant, he will be stunned. And if there was an edge to what he said or meant, he'll take it back right then and there. But it doesn't get taken back once you start fighting and being snarky. Right.

Right. So if at that moment where you say to him, honey, always start with honey or sweetie, whichever one. Honey. And I don't and I don't do that. And I should for sure. Yeah. Honey. Let's face it. Guys are born to women. Their whole lives are trying to figure out how to get along with women. Mom told them what to do. The wife has to be more subtle.

So that's when you say, honey, did you mean to say you're disappointed that I didn't shovel the snow? And if he meant that, he'll probably go, no, no, no, no. That's not at all. But if you come back with an attitude, it's over. I agree. I have a second part to my question with my two and a half year old. He, my husband, he,

has a very short temper like with her and I think he expects her to act a certain way even though she's only two and in those situations I definitely correct him and is there anything else or a certain way that I can do that to protect my daughter but also have you know anything about his history with her yeah do you know anything about his history his mom and dad do you know his mom and dad today yeah what are they like with him very well

Um, good. He has a great relationship and we have a great relationship with his mom and he has a good relationship with his dad, but they got divorced when he was 18. And before zero and 18, it couldn't have been pleasant in that household. And I know that to be true. I know that to be true from his numerous family members and friends.

his sister and yeah I do I guarantee you that the need for everything to be okay real fast probably came for what was going on in that household so how about if you said something like this at a time that had nothing to do with the kid you were just hanging out you know watching him hanging out and saying honey I was thinking about how horrible it must have been for you between zero and 18

I mean, it wasn't too great afterwards either, but I mean, to be pulled two different directions, but it must've been hard for you to feel calm and then just shut up. I definitely could see, yeah, see what he says, if anything. And he'll say, well, I don't know. And then, yeah, well maybe, and you can say, yeah, I think that was, there was probably some pressure on you to behave well because they were already fighting. And I'm thinking sometimes when you get impatient with little things,

Is it a boy or a girl we're talking about? That's a little girl. Your kid, a little girl. I notice sometimes you seem like you need her to pull it together right now. And I was wondering if that's how you might have felt growing up. So instead of telling him what a sucky parent he is, we're now saying that some of his reaction is based upon his child experience. He'll think about that. He will think about that. Mm-hmm.

And I guarantee you over time that'll change things. Because right now... Is there anything I should do at that moment? Look at it. Okay, look at it through my eyeballs right now. Acting up when he was a little kid probably got a really bad reaction from the parents because they were already pissy. He's looking at his daughter and thinking the same thing. She should just behave better because he's thinking about what happened to him. He's looking at her through his eyes.

As a child, if you see him starting to get impatient with her, just go over, give him a hug and say, you need some help with this? Give him a hug. Give him a kiss on the cheek. It deflates everything. Physicality deflates most bad feelings. You know that, right? When a friend is crying, what's the first thing you do? You hug them. You're right. So go over quickly, give him a kiss on the cheek because this will change.

As soon as he understands this is his childhood pain. I think you're right. And he is aware. See how powerful you are. Yeah. I forget that. And I have been listening to you for a long time. And I do try to remember what you teach us all the time. Well, I'm glad you called. I will definitely. Because. Thank you. Go ahead. I was going to say, I really appreciate your words and advice.

But what I'm saying, watch a movie and just say, I was thinking about you as a kid before they divorced, and that had to be tough growing up in that environment. And just shut up. I will. Then I'll hold the hand. Right. Give him a hug. Okay? A little kiss on the cheek. All right, sweetie. Thank you for your call. My number, 1-800-375-

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