Refresher: I'm Trapped In a Negative Mindset
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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. And remember, you too can participate on my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Andrew, welcome to the program.

Hi, Dr. Laura. First of all, I just want to thank you so much for being one of the few wise voices we have left in our culture today. Thank you. I'm a little nervous, so I apologize, but I'll get right to the point.

So I'm 40 years old and starting in my late or early teens and pretty much all the way up until now, I've spent most of my life obsessed with my body image and weight. And I've never been obese, but there were times that I have been overweight. And over the years, I was involved with eating disorders. But the biggest regret I have as I'm getting older is that I feel like I've denied myself so many experiences in life because I've had such a low self-esteem.

image um surrounding my body and for example i've never been in a relationship and and as ridiculous as this sounds i even put off going to college for several years because of this issue um also a period of time where i was a heavy drinker and very promiscuous but i've managed to stop that behavior and i'm working on my sobriety right now um

And now as I've gotten older, as I mentioned, I've realized how much time I've wasted and the logical part of me sees how ridiculous this is because, of course, you know, these kinds of things, you know, body image and that kind of thing doesn't matter in the long run. But I feel like I'm trapped in this mindset because this is pretty much all I've known.

If that makes sense. And I just, I want to be happy. I'm tired of living like this. And I've been in therapy a few times, but it didn't really help me because I didn't feel like they told me anything I already knew. And so, and I have so much respect for you. And I know that you...

can put a, you know, you often put a different, you shine a different light on people's problems that they're not able to see. And I was hoping that you could help me through this. Okay. I'm going to tell you something about me. Okay.

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sparkles on them and everything. Slack, slack, slack, slack, slack. You want to know why? Never liked my legs. No, wait, it gets worse. I'm 75 now. You know what happens to your skin when you're 75? The collagen goes to Florida. Yeah, yeah. While you're in California. So it's all kind of not, it's kind of wrinkly, you know? So I'm shopping in this last, no, it was just before the pandemic, shopping for some

pants to wear to play tennis, right? And this woman about my age is standing about five feet from me picking out things, wearing normal tennis shorts and a little top, and her arms were saggy skin, her legs were saggy skin, and she was very happy in her saggy skin that she bought those cute things to wear and was going to have a good time anyway. And it made a big impression on me. You know what I did?

I bought a cute little tennis skirt. So that was my therapy. I hope you're understanding where I'm getting with that. You have to actually do something. Going to a therapist and talking about it is awfully nice. Gives you insight. I mean, I do this. Had a clinic, had private patients, but a certain amount of talking ceases to be of any value if you don't put something into action.

Exactly. Which means you have to dress in something comfortable that doesn't hide who you are and go outside. Yeah. And say good morning to people. Shh. Shh. Oh, I'm sorry. And say good morning to people and walk by, wave, smile at little kids playing. Make yourself known that you're out there. So you're bringing some attention to yourself. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Of course.

Did that help you at all? Did that help you at all or did you just shovel out to the side as fascinating but not useful? Yeah, no, it did. And I'm trying to... Don't try anything. We do things. We don't try anything on my block. So the point I'm trying to make, you are really stuck in this place. The point I'm trying to make is that talk's cheap. You got to get out there and do stuff and let yourself be seen and notice that people don't cover their eyes

throw up, turn their backs. But when you say hi and wave, they hi and wave back because that's the part that's meaningful to other people, not how your body looks. Yeah. And if you go to a mall, you see people fat, thin, tall, short, weird, not weird. And they're all out there at the mall. And most of them have friends or a loved one. And they don't care. Yeah. Well, no, because they're getting love. They're getting friendship. They're getting caring.

That's what people want from you. Warmth, compassion, understanding, sense of humor, being interesting, talking about things, listening to what they have to say, enjoying a sunset together. Happiness is not perfected until it's shared. And if you're just spending all your time in your head, frosting about how your body's not perfect, I don't know anybody's body that's perfect. I guess we all would define perfect differently. I think in five, six, I'd be perfect.

I'm 5'3". What am I going to do about that? Can I ask you a question? Of course you can. Okay. I'm wondering, you know, as I've gotten older, I've tried to analyze this, and I'm wondering if I'm using... I am not going to try analyzing anything. It doesn't matter where this started. Okay.

Let me give you an example of it doesn't matter whether it was your mother, your father, your uncle, a sister, cousin, a bad experience, a horrible experience. It really doesn't matter because you have to do the same things to get out. Yeah. If you fell into the hole, if I pushed you into the hole, if you dropped out of an airplane and fell in the hole, you'd still have to crawl out. Yeah. Doesn't matter how it happened. And my God, man, please don't spend any more time trying to analyze it.

I just I'll just keep twisting myself around if I do I think there's no point it doesn't matter why anymore it's too late for that yeah so be the lady with the crinkly legs in the tennis shop seriously it blew my mind I at first I went how could she walk around showing all those leg wrinkles that was what was in my head believe it or not

And then I just kept looking at her going, wow, to be that confident in your wrinkly skin. Pretty damn good. Yeah. Yep. She's not spending a moment not playing tennis because of her wrinkly legs. As you said, you gave up a lot because of what you thought about your body. Meanwhile, she's playing tennis every day with wrinkly legs. Hmm.

I don't want to miss out on anymore. I want to, I'm going to do that. I'm going to just, you know. Get dressed. Don't hide how your body looks. Just dress nicely. Put on some sneakers, comfortable shoes. Go out and smile a lot. Put some sunblock on. Go out and smile a lot. Wave at people. Go near a park. Bring attention to yourself by smiling a lot and see how many people smile back and not because your body looks good. They're not smiling because your body looks good. Yeah.

Thank you so much. That really, I know that, you know, I know that that's what I need to do. Can you just let people know, Andrew, please? I'm sorry? Can you just let people know, Andrew? Yeah, because I have a lot more to offer than superficial. A mannequin in a store is a body. You're a person. You've reduced yourself to a mannequin. You're a person with a lot of warmth that you could be.

displaying, sharing, experiencing. Instead, you made yourself a mannequin. So my advice is put on the short skirt, but you know what I mean. Well, thank you so much. You're very welcome.

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