Spicy Toddlers, Teens & In Between: 10 Ways to Prevent Constant Battles #480
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So how should you respond when your teen or tween complains, you're too controlling, none of my friend's parents do this, you need to stop treating me like a child? How should you respond when the school sends home notes about your child struggling with behavior or grades? Should you take your kids to therapy?

How do we help those spicy little toddlers who fight you over everything? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. And this is the final week of the extended Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So we get lots of emails about kids who are hard to parent from parents who are at their wits end. And if that describes you, you're not alone.

I received a really interesting email a couple weeks ago that just jumped out at me and I immediately began making notes so I thought I'd share the notes even though I know this may not describe your particular situation

I'm going to begin with the teenager situation for this reason. Those of you with younger kids can hopefully prevent some of this from happening by the shifts in thinking and different action steps you take now. So let's dive into this. By the way, shout out to Caspian.

A young guy listens to the podcast and is making great strides and really working hard on just being an awesome human. So keep up the good work, my friend. So here's the situation. 14-year-old boy has a new girlfriend, and every night they talk on the phone, sneaking calls until 2 a.m., even though he has to wake up at 7 a.m. for school.

The parents put reasonable restrictions on the phone and now the teenager is angry, says they're controlling. None of his friends have controlling parents like us. He says he feels fine. He doesn't feel sleep deprived. He says he can take care of himself and we need to stop treating him like a child.

And the parents went on and said, we tried to explain the importance of sleep for a teenager, right? Because grades are slipping, attitude is worse, and threatening to find other ways to sneak and get what he wants. So they said, what would you do, calm guy? So here are my thoughts. Number one, you are not doing anything wrong, and your expectations of your teen and your tween are,

tweens are reasonable. Number two, well the one thing you are doing wrong is trying to convince him about the importance of sleep for a teenager. What were you expecting? A rational teenage boy? You know, you're right mom. I care more about my health at age 14 than the emotional high I'm on now. Right, that's not going to happen. So number three, let's really get to the root of the issue.

This is most likely a kid who has felt like he's been swimming upstream against life since he was little. Maybe never fit in at school, usually in trouble more than other kids. Maybe he struggled with peers a bit and is a typical awkward 14-year-old. He's bored with school. He doesn't necessarily have a vision for his life yet. Perhaps his relationship is strained with his dad. I

I don't know if that's true, but a lot of times it is, right? And so along comes a cute girl who likes him, who pays attention to him. So here's a 14-year-old boy who all of a sudden is wanted and liked and desired. His hormones are raging and he's obsessed with this girl. This is a huge adrenaline rush and emotional high. Plus, first love only happens once in your life.

Does that mean we let him talk to this girl until 3 a.m.? Absolutely not. But we at least understand why he would want to. See, I want you when you're in these situations, step out of your own parental anxiety and fear and step into your child's world, whether they are 3 or 13 or 23 or 33.

So number four, I would normalize that with him first. Of course you want to talk to her 24 hours a day. She makes you feel special. She's cute. You make her laugh. It's one of the most incredible highs you will ever have in your life. So I can see why you'd want to talk to her and think about her 24 hours a day. That makes sense to me. So you simply validate truth because that is truth.

Simply validate that instead of trying to somehow convince a teenage boy that sleep is good for him. He doesn't care. And if you have a decent relationship with him, be curious. Ask what specific qualities he likes about her. Take an interest in what your child is interested in. It doesn't mean you give in, but enter into their world.

Five, look, you have to just laugh at his bluster, right? He says we're controlling. None of his friends have controlling parents like us. He's fine. He doesn't need to sleep. Of course, that's what all teenagers say when they don't get their way. So you don't even have to react or respond to that. It's, they all say that. Number six, he says he can take care of himself and we need to stop treating him like a child.

You have the option of calling his bluff for now, doing this. Make a list of all the ways you, quote, treat him like a child. You pay for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, soda, pizza with friends, spending money, health insurance, extracurriculars, clothes, shoes, video games, phone, phone service, internet, gas money, car, car insurance, driving places, electricity for warmth and AC, toothbrush and toothpaste and acne care, medical care and teeth cleaning and braces, laundry services for his clothes, etc.

Make that list on a piece of paper. Slide it under his bedroom door. And you can say this, these are all the ways we treat you like a child. If we stop these, you will be responsible for all of these things yourself. We estimate the cost to be about $3,200 per month.

Since you don't want to be treated like a child, let us know your plan for paying for your phone, phone service, etc. Now, is that really going to solve anything? No, but sometimes it provides context. And I say that also because you as parents have sacrificed, whether your child's a toddler or teen, you have sacrificed so much and given them so many different things to

And you don't get that gratitude coming back to you right now. So if you want to say that in a non, there was nothing snotty about that. Hey, these are all the ways we treat you as a child. Here are the 27 different things. If we stop that, let us know your plan for being responsible for those things.

See, that's fair to me. Number seven, the parents said, we decided to keep the rule that his phone will be shut off at a certain time at night, and we have to restrict him until he can control himself.

And we are going to make our expectations clear. This is what the parents said. He has to stay on top of his schoolwork. He has to respect his family, including being kind to his brothers. He needs to have more responsibility around the house, do his own laundry, set his own alarms, clean up his messes. Number four, respect the set boundaries. When he said he's going to be home at 730, he needs to be home by 730 without us reminding him, without him being late, etc.,

So my response is these are all very reasonable things, but I would simplify it a bit. Always simplify the rules in your home. Number one, his phone has to be turned in by 9 p.m. or 10 p.m. Whatever you choose on weekdays, maybe later on weekend nights. Number two, he must keep a B average. That's specific more than staying on top of your schoolwork.

And then I would pick one or two responsibilities around the house, like doing his own laundry. Start with that one. To be honest, I hate things like respecting your family, right? It's just so generic, being kind to your brothers, right? I want him to be kind to his brothers, but it's so smarmy, lexury, right? And here's the other part.

Those things will come when he feels good about himself. And it's not like you can enforce it all that well. He's 14. You're still going to have to remind him to be home on time. And he's going to fudge curfew by a few minutes because he's a 14-year-old boy. So sometimes we put these onerous expectations aside.

Keep it simple and realize you're dealing with teens and tweens. Their prefrontal cortex is not even close to being fully formed yet. And they're so into their own world. Look, you can go hardcore. Hey, if you're not home by 730, right, you lose X, Y, and Z. You can do that. But I'm trying to be a realist and also focus on what's really important here. So that's what we start to get to, number eight.

I'd love for dad to have a father-son talk with him if they've got a decent relationship. But obviously, mom, you can have this relationship as well. Here's the gist of what I would say. One, you just normalize that he should be fairly obsessed with his first love. This is normal and understandable. Of course, you should want to talk to her 24-7. This is one of the most intoxicating feelings you will ever have.

And you say, you're a smart kid. You know that good parents can't allow their kids to stay up until the middle of the night talking to their girlfriend. You know that all good and reasonable parents have boundaries and rules. And you know that you aren't capable of earning a living and taking care of yourself yet. That's just basic truth.

When you make threats, after we set reasonable guidelines, you are acting like a toddler who doesn't get his way. Your threats actually make us trust you less, not more.

You just have these normal raging hormones and this new wonderful thing in your life you've never experienced before. So that makes sense to me. So we are going to set a reasonable boundary that on weeknights, your phone has to be turned in by 9 or 10 p.m., whatever you decide. We don't expect you to like that. You should want to stay up until 3 a.m. talking to her, but that's not how the world works. But here is where you have power and control.

If you can learn to control yourself, we won't have to. If you can show us that you can manage this relationship and keep a B average in school, then you will earn more freedom over time. See, this is an opportunity to be mature and show us you can be more responsible for yourself. And here's an idea.

Every night after you have to turn in your phone, you could use that time to write her personal notes. Girls love that. You could make her something personal. That way you're doing something constructive and building the relationship. We're also going to be reasonable and give you a do-over on your grades this semester because you should be distracted for a period of time and only think about her. But then you have to make a transition and create a more mature plan.

threats and such only lead us, only lead to less or no phone. And you know that. So if you're ready to be treated more like a grownup, this is your opportunity. Now, are you going to say that all at once? No, that might be over course of a few conversations in different ways. But the gist of that, of putting the responsibility back on him and

While not creating drama yourself and just saying like, you know, it doesn't work like that because your kids do know that.

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For teens and tweens, and even some slightly younger kids than that, our favorite strategy is called mission and mentor. I would put some extra time into getting your teen or tween to do just one constructive activity, preferably helping another adult do something just to get your child moving in a positive way, connected to others, and

feeling needed or helpful, because this often sparks some internal motivation and it also builds confidence. Look, we're dealing with kids who, look, a lot of kids out there, every day they go to school and their mission is, well, I'm going to do really well in school because I like school. I'm good at doing school. I get all A's. I'm taking honors classes.

And I'm going to go to college and I'm going to get a degree and be in a certain profession that I've always wanted to do. So they have a mission. But most of our strong will kids, they don't really have a mission yet. So they're kind of floating out there.

So and what we tend to do is okay your mission has to be school good grades good behavior Well, they're not good at either of those things so they shut down So I try to shift a little bit and say okay if I'm not getting a child who's gonna throw himself or herself into school and

then I have to get them to throw themselves into something else, but I want to work with their nature. And these are kids who tend to be really good in the adult world. They tend to be really good for other people, just not you. So think about this. What is your child naturally good at doing? What is he or she curious about, interested in? What have others recognized in your child?

Find opportunities to use their particular strengths through special projects, surface projects, starting their own business. Ask another adult to approach your child and say, hey, Jeremy, I've heard that you're really good at X. I could use some help with a project and need you to come to my shop, my house, my classroom to help me. See, we need to build that confidence and vision, right?

It doesn't matter if it's walking dogs in the neighborhood, helping an elderly neighbor with yard work, doing some kind of job at the gym, helping a teacher with a special project. Let's try to get one win by using this process. By the way, it always works better

If the other adult, you just have to make sure this is safe, approaches your child. It can't be mom or dad saying, well, I think this is a really good idea for you to try. They're going to be like, I'm out, not going to do it. But if another adult approaches them, they're often really into that. So this works. I like this approach. It will take you a little time, but start looking for opportunities. People at work, anybody can.

who can give them a job to do, a lot of times they become kind of a mentor for them because other people can encourage our kids and other people can hold them accountable as well. So I go through this a lot in the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Willed Kids. We go through that in great detail with lots of examples. Number 10.

The most important lesson in here for all of this is this. We must be ruthless in protecting our child's sense of self and cultivating a positive internal dialogue. Our kids often feel like they're swimming upstream in life. They feel left out like the bad kid or stupid kid. So they're susceptible to chasing emotional highs that come from the new girlfriend, from acting silly in class or doing dangerous things in front of friends.

They're susceptible of turning to drinking or drugs or porn or vaping as a release from their own anxiety and those negative feelings about themselves and their place in this world. So what would I do differently with younger kids and toddlers if I had to do it all over again? Because we get emails all the time of like, I've got a spicy three-year-old or five-year-old and they're constantly upset and thrashing about.

And I encourage you, whenever I get those emails, I'm not discouraging you, but I'm like, why are you getting so thrown off by a spicy three-year-old? Come on. Stop being so unnerved by this. It's normal. Your attitude towards your toddler will impart one of two things deep inside them.

Because here's what we often say. You never take no for an answer. You're always making messes. I'm frustrated by your constant tantrums. Why can't you just be calm and play nicely like other kids? I.e., why can't you be someone other than your very nature and who you actually are?

for my own convenience because I have too many triggers and I kind of resent you for triggering me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way toward a young child.

No blame, no guilt ever. But sometimes that's kind of what's going on. I'm going to repeat that because I think it's important. And this could be toward a teenager, elementary school kid or a toddler. Why can't you just be calm and play nicely like other kids? Why can't you be someone other than your very nature and who you actually are?

for my own convenience because I still have too many triggers and I kind of resent you for triggering me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way toward my child. Why do you always have to get into things and want more? Why don't you ever sleep? It is normal for you to feel this way as a grown-up, as a parent. There's no blame or no guilt.

but it's time to course correct here. The attitude I want to impart to all kids beginning when they're young is, you know what's cool? Every day, the world you experience is brand new to you. Your job is to explore and make messes and be curious. You should want everything you see and taste and touch. I love your passion and determination and persistence. Well, actually I don't because it's exhausting, but say this anyway. Be

Because it means you have goals and ambition and a zest for life. You get ideas of what you want to accomplish and you choose harder things because you think you're actually 34 when you're only four. And so you naturally get frustrated and you're only a kid. So you lash out because you haven't developed those skills yet.

And if I'm honest, I'm still learning at age 44. So I'm in this with you, walking beside you to show and teach you patiently.

So by all means, say no to things. Don't be afraid of the tantrums. Sit in the tantrum with no drama. Let your toddler know it simply won't work. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. But spend even more energy saying yes to as many things as possible. Make things a challenge. Bring positive enthusiasm and intensity to situations. Match their energy and intensity in positive ways. Oh, how do you think you could do this?

I like that quality in you. Embrace who they are. And this goes for intense, highly sensitive, strong willed kids of all ages. So look, I know this is getting a little bit long, so I'll cut to the chase for your kids as they get a little bit older. Look, kids in elementary school are supposed to be impulsive and get in trouble and make mistakes. It's part of growing up rather than reacting to every incident and internalizing that they're bad kids who are helpless to change.

which is what many teens feel now, let's focus this next two weeks on creating successes. Put your kids in a position to be successful, to complete missions they're good at, and then put a lot more energy into affirming for good behavior than correcting for bad. So what are some missions and specific jobs to do that your child will succeed in doing? Oh man, I could really use your help doing X. Hey Kendra, I know this is a big challenge, but do you think you could do that for me?

I would give your kids challenges, do treasure hunts, say, hey, bet you can't do X. And then they have complete, have them complete some missions, even more grown up adult type missions because your kids are really good at that. Find a lot of things to say yes to within your boundaries. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, spend more energy saying yes to something appropriate.

And affirm, give positive energy to the good choices. Do it in a purposeful way for the next two weeks. Catch your kids making good choices. Give lots of fist bumps. Hey, well done. I like how you handled that. Shows me you're growing up short and sweet. And I would look for opportunities to get your kids good sensory pressure and exercise. That means climbing, crawling, lifting, pulling, pushing things. Obviously, they're appropriate. Lots of sensory pressure can be settling.

If you can make a little obstacle course in the backyard or basement, things they have to go through, that could be helpful. And your kids tend to be better at individual activities rather than team sports. So things like martial arts, rock climbing, swimming, gymnastics, ballet, and other individual activities,

also meet sensory needs. So whether you have a toddler or teen or somewhere in between, let's normalize what their life is supposed to look like. We're grown adults. We're still figuring life out.

That's what they're doing, whether they are three or 13 or 23. Focus more of your energy on creating successes and instilling resilience in your kids. You know, I love that phrase. Hey, I believe you're capable. I believe you're capable of handling this tough situation, of handling that disappointment, of doing that assignment, even though it's hard. That instills confidence and trust.

And moms and dads and grandparents, I believe you are capable of making these mindset shifts in your own life with your kids.

Moms and dads, thank you for working so hard at this. It's not easy. You're breaking generational patterns. You're creating a new family tree. But I would listen again to some of those scripts to use with your kids, how you make this shift from the negative to, man, I love these qualities in you. It's going to serve you well in life. Okay, if you do nothing else, do that this week. Watch how your kids respond. If we can help you in any way, just let us know. All right, love you all. Bye-bye.