Flashback: In the Car with Timothy Simons
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do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need

ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Uh, with Karen and Chris. Welcome to Do You Need a Ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. And this is Karen Kilgariff. We, when's the last time we drove in the morning? I don't, I mean, there was one like 6 a.m. LAX drop-off we did for

Kind of originality. Yes. One of our greatest regrets. Yeah. I think it was early on we realized we had made a grave mistake. Mm-hmm. That we didn't need to be so on theme. Yeah. Not to mention, if someone missed their flight, thanks be to the Lord of above. We'd never let that happen. But it's nice because we're going to do this episode and then have the rest of our day to...

many lucrative naps. I have a lot planned for today. I actually have nothing. But it's going to be great. And I like... This is as close as we get to seasons. It's brisk out. It's a brisk 65.

I almost wore a long-sleeve shirt, but I had to pull back at the last minute. Yeah, I brought a sweatshirt just in case. Just in case there's some cloud coverage that changes everything. Do you mind dropping that into my purse as a favor? Look at him! And I just draw it out the window. He's buying a Valentine's Day bouquet early. I mean, a true bucket of roses that guy was loading into the car.

Where did you told you handed me that? Into my purse please. Thank you. I will put it there. It was making, it's my garage door opener closer and it was making an excessive amount of noise. Does it have a mind of its own? It's just real clicky and plastic. Yeah. You know, like everyone in LA. Exactly. Don't get me started.

I disagree. I feel like we live in a very salt of the earth part of the earth. Really? Yeah. Where everyone's real authentic? No, where they're really salty. Oh. Like angry fishermen. No, those days are over. I left the marina. I left the retired boat people. I feel like I am part of a community now. Good. Yeah. I very much enjoy living in a neighborhood.

where I've introduced myself to neighbors and I'm glad I'm glad I did that move. I don't want to be around boat people, retired people that are younger than me. Yeah, the people that can afford boats. Yeah, boat people. Yeah, they're not anyone's type of people. I'm not talking about water skiers. You know, we have a lot of water skiers that listen. What? Yeah, yeah.

Chris, you seem to have a whole, like, I don't know where, are you going on to a fan page? Like, when you come and report those types of demographics, where are you getting your information? Right. I go out in the streets. And sometimes those streets take me to the ocean. And I meet the people of the sea.

Yes, it's inevitable. And then when you're there, you say, what are your hobbies? Right. And they almost all the time say water skiing. Yeah, they stop swabbing their poop deck and they're like, well, I like anything that deals with boats. And I immediately am like, well, we don't have a lot in common then. Yeah. You know me, I get sick. Right. Right.

Sick of talking to boat people? Yeah. We are using a phrase boat people in a... That's kind of problematic and we should stop saying it. It sounds bad, but I simply mean... It's used badly usually. That's why we shouldn't be saying it. It sounds offensive, but I'm talking about people that...

pay rent and live on another person's boat and pretend it's their boat. So I think you have to say exactly that every single time. It just doesn't have a nice ring to it. P-W-L-O-

I'm just saying shorten the, right? PWLOBs. There's these people that live on others' boats. People. The plobs. PWLOBs. Every year I do a show that's a fundraiser for the PLWOBs. Oh. Yeah. And they aren't thankful. No. No. No.

Some of the least grateful people on the planet. They're like, they just want. They just want. It's the marina lifestyle that makes them hungry for more. Yeah. Always. Yeah. And then they judge me. They know that I'm never at sea.

Yeah. I can see it in their eyes. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, could you hand me that fork that's aft? And then you're like, I just don't know what direction that is. Yeah. Starboard deck. I'm like, I don't know what that is. No, can't communicate with you. And then I can tell. They look at me and then I can hear them under their breath mutter, landlubber. Yeah. That's what they call me. Or also poor person. Yeah. Never had scurvy.

Now, you're talking about pirates or you're talking about people that have boats? Scurvy has a reputation for being a scourge of just the pirate folks, but anyone. Scurvy can rear its ugly head no matter who you are. Really? Yeah. Big problem in other communities besides pirates? Well, I guess in the Navy, yeah.

You have to have limes on the boat to make sure. Yeah. Yep. But the sea has to be involved if you have scurvy. I think so. I don't know. That's a very good question. Right. Maybe today. We're, of course, going to talk about this the whole episode. So I hope our guest today knows about the sea. This is the theme of today's show. It's been dictated. We can't go back on a theme. But I do want to be on a boat. Maybe I'm jealous. Yes.

But I will, no matter what size, be it cruise ship or rowboat. I found that I get seasick and I wish I wasn't that way. I've tried to look off at the horizon. I've tried to do everything you're supposed to do. Do you take Dramamine? I put a patch. Yeah, those work, right? Yeah, they do. But sometimes you forget about your seasickness patch. So that's a different problem. Yes. Which fanny pack did I grab?

Neon orange? Yes. Or the one with the pirate on the front? Oh. Damn it. Did you know that it is illegal to fly a skull and crossbones flag at Jolly Roger? At all? They don't take it lightly at sea. Is that true? Modern day, you cannot have a pirate flag. I suppose on a lake somewhere in the middle of the...

the country that would but at in the ocean they the coast guard will say take that down where are you getting this information it's just something i've heard

It's something I've heard from someone that maybe, you know, they were just in a park or something. Someone that really has no credentials whatsoever. Someone that's just standing in a park screaming, the Jolly Roger is illegal! And even when they're in a trembling bush screaming, I can tell, I can look in someone's eyes and at least see that they believe it. And if they believe it, that goes a long way with me. That's all you need. In 2023...

Facts are feelings. Exactly. Yeah. We can make up. Science is a man-made idea. Mm-hmm. Yeah. True. That is true. But I do think, yeah, it's an old law. It's like, it falls in line, like, I guess technically when you get out of jail in Montana, you can demand a horse. But no one does it because they're going to go, uh, no. I know that it's still a law. We just haven't gotten around to changing that one.

You could demand that they provide you a horse to get somewhere? Yes. Do you have to give it back?

I don't know if it's a horse rental. They can't be giving away horses to people who just were in jail. This was when I was younger, but in my lifetime, I do remember someone. They're like, oh man, they got us on this one. They had to get a horse for a guy. It's kind of like in a bar. If you go, some man will come in and hand his gun over to be put in the safe. Yeah.

It's like an old-timey law. You can bring a gun into a bar in Montana and they'll put it in a safe. It sounds to me like you think the theme of this show is that you just say a bunch of bullshit. I promise you, as it's been proven in the past, you'd be very surprised at how much of this is true. It would shock you. As has been proven. And that's true, actually. You've said things that I thought were outright lies before that have Googled to be true. Yes. Yes.

If I say something and it's kind of high like this, that's when you know I'm just talking out of my ass. Oh, okay. When people lie, they get very high. That's true. How's your day? I'm doing pretty good. I'm good. Liar! I'm good. You're miserable.

I do, I do. I think that that could be take. I think that could be a bit. Yeah, write it down in your little notebook. And so I tell a couple lies and then I get to the biggest lie and then I just play a high-pitched dog whistle. Yes. The audience would love it. The audience wouldn't hear it, but the dogs would love it. Yeah, right outside there'd be three dogs and a horse that would be like, we love your comedy.

We got that fourth joke that no one else heard. It's one thing to not be gotten in stand-up comedy. It's another to just not be heard at all. Right. Very difficult. Yeah, yeah. It's why there's not a lot of dolphins touring. Doing that circuit like they used to. Mm-mm.

I do want to see dolphins. When's the last time you were on a boat? You know I'm a boat guy. When's the last time you were... Jesus Christ. I know. We're going back to it. And there's just a whole pod of dolphins following along, trying to be friends. Like, hey, hey.

Yeah, Chris, I don't go on boats. I don't get this. You're acting like that. That's just my fault. You could easily be a boat person like me. And you'd never heard about it in eight years? Heard about what? Sorry. Oh.

You fucking dick. It's okay. I stared at the side of their face. Literally, there was the largest spout for me to merge into and that guy sped up to let me not merge. Yeah, that is one of my least favorite. Like, it's this childhood me first thing.

Me first into a once empty spot on the freeway. It makes no sense. Yeah, we see it a lot. We've seen it a lot in the last few episodes. People rushing to get in front of you so they can wait. And then ultimately they forget about it and you casually pass them. It's like, where's your aggression now? Yeah. And they're like, I don't know who you are. Yeah.

Because I never, this was a one-way experience for me. I just cut you off. I wasn't thinking about you. And then you flip them off and make full eye contact and rush to your audition and surprise, they are the casting director. Every single time. Oh, it's happened. It's happened. That,

I did not raise my voice on because that was a true event. That was a true one where you flipped off a casting director. Yes. Did they see you? Yes. Did they recognize me upon entry to the... Yes. Yes. Did they laugh in your face and say, never darken my door again? No, there was just an unspoken like, well, I guess we'll go through with this. Oof.

But you did not get the part and I understandably not. That's exactly what I would have done. Now, what if there was that moment and then you auditioned and you were the best they've ever seen? Do you think they would have given it to you despite that?

Well, there is this, it gets interesting because a lot of the people that are in... I hope so. Oh, you're about, and at the end of this whole thing, real funny joke. Oh, okay. Yeah, so brace yourself, put on a second seatbelt for this zinger. A lot of these casting people are actors themselves, and I, one time, this guy was being, he made...

an actor in front of me cry. And I was like, you know that you really just hurt her feelings, right? And he acted like he didn't care. And he's been a jerk before. This is commercial where you go in and be like, that's my favorite cracker and drive all the way. Right. You know, it's usually some cracker commercial. And I called him out on being not nice and

and said, "There's that anger I've always seen in you." I actually said he's an angry person. I did get the part, and when I went,

to the shoot, which happened to be in Spain. I'm not bragging. I've been to Spain. Okay. He was also cast in one of the commercials we were shooting. So at the end, he was just an actor that operates the camera, watches people blow it all day, learns what they should be doing and what he's seen people do wrong all day. At the end of the day, aims the camera at him, books it,

And then he showed up and I'm like, oh, the jerk, the casting jerk is here. And he's also an actor. And no one, everyone knew he was a jerk. And we were all having fun. Me and all these French Canadian actors. And he was sitting by himself because he wasn't very nice. Yeah. Oh, I promised a joke at the end, didn't I? Oh, nuts. I mean, at least we all learned a lesson. Yeah. Yeah.

About French Canadians. They're fun. Treat people the way you want to be treated. It's a classic. I mean, true, except here in Hollywood...

I don't know. Right. I feel like you're slamming your head against a cement wall with those expectations. Why are you talking so bad about our city, our community today? No, no, the people that live in it. Oh, the humans, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no people. It depends on when, at like three in the morning, if you just go out and everyone's in bed, this is a beautiful family city. With just a little bit of trash on the ground. Yeah, yeah.

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Guys, listener, we're on the 101 South Freeway right now. Very famous here in Los Angeles. Very oft-used, oft-crowded freeway. So we're going six miles an hour trying to get where we're...

to pick up our guest. It's classic LA. Chris is telling you LA stories of the experience of being an actor here. I'm telling you what it's like to be a driver here. You might as well live here because this is the experience. Yeah, that's all you would be doing here. Driving to auditions. Telling audition stories. Yes, with zero payoff. You still have time.

to throw a button on that thing. I find it amazing on navigation where they will say, turn right up at historic Route 66. Maybe technically at one point, parts of this freeway and parts of surface streets were part of Route 66. But those old wooden signs that used to say Route 66 are no longer up. So why refer to it?

Right, because it's more confusing than helpful. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no... I would love it if there was a rickety old timey Wild West Route 66 sign, but then it puts that song in your head. Right. Get your kicks. Right. No thanks. And now it's in everyone's head. I'm sorry.

the odds of me merging. - Oh, I'll just do, you know what I'll do is do the little wavy eye contact. Well, that was a waste of it, but it does work. - This guy in the black Mercedes classic, he has to merge at the front of the line. - Yeah. - You what a douche bag. - I think that he was probably a normal guy before he had to be before that when he had his Honda.

He would just wait. He would wave people over. There's something about having that luxurious power that changes your personality. It's true. It has to be.

It happened to me when I was, I got a BMW and I could feel my personality changing. That's amazing. That guy just took a right from the left lane, ladies and gentlemen. That was a classic. I mean, it is. They usually have an illustration on the back of trucks that say, do not be here because I do tend to make these wide turns and pitch you off. You know, I never really understood what that meant and now I get it. I guess they can do that.

It's just a sunspoken thing. Again, if you're a boat person with a Mercedes or a BMW, you might be a sweet humanitarian. We're generalizing. Prove it. Let's see the fucking receipts. You get the guess. We want to know how many humanitarian purchases you've made. Yeah. They better be donation receipts from Goodwill. They better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But now we're on a surface street. Yeah, we're off the freeway. Thank God. Yeah, and it's easy breezy. It's one of my favorite parts of town. I just love we're in Silver Lake right now. It's pretty nice. Yeah. I mean, look at those awnings. It's beautiful. Also, everybody, because the property value is going up like skyrocketing over here, everybody's painting their apartment buildings. They're redoing, they're re...

doing it. I don't know. Yeah. I'm trying to find another word for redoing and I can't. Refurbish. Refurbish. They're refurbishing. They're refurbishing and refurbishing. Yeah. They're taking what isn't great, making it look good, polishing turds if you will. And I guess I will. I'm sorry. I've been thinking about getting a pressure washer just to just clean the front of my apartment. It's not on me to do that, but if I don't do it, no one will.

That seems to be the approach you take to your apartment. Yeah. You're kind of like the landlord there, but you just don't make the money. You're very right. I don't want to bother them because then they'll pay attention to me. And find out that you've made the inside of your apartment into a campsite? Yeah, riddled with a litter of kittens.

Nothing but Ruhlbrand. Open flame. I'm off the grid in there. A lot of candles. Where'd this insulation come from, the last few? I don't know, you'll say. I think it's always been there. No, it hasn't. But because I've never called attention to myself, I've never once raised my rent. Oh, good. Yeah. It's stayed the same for four years. The Fit. So many memories. Love a Honda Fit.

But this is this part of Silver Lake. We're on the side here on the street. What is this street? Do you know it? I think we're on Silver Lake Boulevard. Yes, classically. I think you are correct. But I love a community on a hill. This is just stacked up on the right here. It looks like Legos in foliage.

Oh, yeah. Yes, just like blocks on each other. It's beautiful. Beautiful hillside homes. That I suppose in a rainstorm would make you nervous, but when it's nice and dry out, God, I love a good stacked community. Have you ever been to Rio? No.

No, de Janeiro? Yeah, oui oui, it's the city. Yes, they famously, I believe, the Jesus statues in those hills? I think so. Maybe. What else is in Brazil? Stocked houses. No, I mean city-wise. Oh, they have Carnival. Yes, yes. Thirst and Hell the Third agrees. Yes, lovey. Oh, yes.

I forgot how he talks. Yeah. Well, actually, that's... Who is that? That is... Another character. He actually talks like this. Oh, lovey. Didn't he talk like this? Yes, he did. Thurston Howell? Thurston Howell III. But then there's another cartoon character that talks like... Mr. Magoo. Oh, those dogs are having fun. He was also Mr. Magoo. Oh, was he? Yeah. Yeah, same actor. I'm supposed to be turning on to...

The street we passed already. Oh, right. Yeah. Damn. Let's see what happens if I turn up here. Hi, guys. Ooh, big hill. Yeah. Fun. We can do this. I should just go around in a circle and come back down. Yeah, there'll be a turnabout. Ah, see? This is warning us of a Jenga piece. Oh, yeah. That's helpful. That's better. Yeah. Yeah.

But also to take a left turn at the top of this hill is insanity. Right. And then if someone's coming, I always think someone's is just going to be a jump from a 60s movie suddenly happening. Steve McQueen come up that hill, right? Yeah. When you try to take a... Just in your face. It's some lost scene from Bullet, a movie that both our dads made us watch. Bullet, a classic, a holiday classic. Yeah, maybe it's time I watch it.

I always have wanted kind of to have my house be fumigated. And you go on vacation and your house looks like a bounce house. But you'd be gone. Yeah, but you can drive by and be like, oh, I'm fun. Look at me. You're on vacation, but you're more like it's staycation in the city? They love it. If they're fumigating your house, the exterminators love it if you show up every day to see what's going on. To check. Hey, guys. Keep pulling up the little...

Bottom piece of material. Please don't go in. Nothing but poison, sir. It's all poison, sir. Well, I just want to see what you boys are doing. Oh, but you're covered in chemical burns. Yes, I have been visiting. I've been going inside. I've made a sandwich. I hope that's okay. Where the fuck are we supposed to... Oh, I passed it like way back there. No, it's going to work out though. Okay. Yeah.

I just sailed on by enjoying Silver Lake. Well, you know, and I'm not doing my job. You are operating a motor vehicle and I should be helping navigate. I mean... As if I were a man of the sea. You're so caught up in your ocean stories that you can't help. And I understand. We're going to take a left in about a knot and a half here. Thanks so much. Yeah. Starboard? Okay. Yes.

Yeah, I love this dog park. It is the funnest place to watch. It's just weird when you go there and you don't have a dog. Yeah. But I have done that. And I watch them create their little cliques. In like 10 minutes, you'll see a little community form. Someone wrongs the other. Yeah. They have a meeting about it.

They get kicked out and they have to go to the other. There's like a secondary dog park here for the ones that aren't good with other dogs. Yep. I think that this is like the, yeah, these are for the biters. I think it's Biggs and Littles, isn't it? And we're going to take a right here. Are you sure? Yep. That's what I missed. That's what I missed last time. Yeah. You had me at the helm. I'm going to take another right here.

And, oh nuts, do we have to start wearing masks again? I got some. She's just being careful. I think she's being careful. Hi there. We're talking about you, ma'am. Ma'am. I need to, yeah. We need to start appreciating the public parks at the last minute here. Because pretty soon it's going to be five degrees cooler. God forbid. There's a place to skate that I haven't been to. I'm going to come back.

Okay, what the fuck? And now, yes, this is a little weird, isn't it? I think to the right. Over here? Yeah. Sorry. Want to get a hot dog? A little hot dog, man? Nah, it's fruit again. I'll have a piece of mango instead. I've never done that. Gotten mango from the mango cart. Have you? So apparently he lives back there at the public park.

No, I think we're gonna... It's coming up. Oh, I thought that green thing was the... Oh, right. Where we're going. No, that's just there for the mango, man. Oh, it's the black dot drop, pin drop, whatever. Yeah, it's just... Oh, that's like the abandoned car on your street that claims to be a sports agent. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think we're gonna... Up there? I believe so, yes. Guys...

I truly couldn't do this without you. Yeah, well, this is where you get into these weird serpentine... It might be this house right here. Could it be? I think it might. See, that was faster than I thought it would be. Hopefully it's not swimming in the lake. I do have some questions about that lake, and I hope that he appreciates them. Have you ever seen in that lake where... I think we're right. Maybe it's one more. Yeah. Yeah.

Where the whole lake is covered with those black balls? Yes. Do you know what that is? That is for solar energy, I think. So they're trying to keep the water from evaporating and use it for solar energy. Okay. There he is. I like that sweater.

Hi everybody. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. Can I ask a question? Sure. What time do you think we'll be done? Whenever you need to be done. I think if it's better, if you feel like it's better to go longer, I can be dropped off at two up in Burbank. If you think it'll be like 1-1-15, I can just come back here, get my car, and then go to the thing.

Um, we usually record for an hour, so I think 1:15 is perfect. Perfect. Then we'll just like go for an hour and then come back here? Yeah. Alright, cool. If that's okay. I'm gonna put my backpack in my... Okay. Okay, sorry. One second. Quite alright! I thought they were balls of charcoal and they were filtering the water. Okay, do not talk about this when he's in here. Oh, I won't. I'm getting it out of my... Okay, mum's the word. No more like talk.

Don't ask about Blake. Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen him at clubs and colleges across the country. Put your ears together for Timothy Simons, everyone. Hello. Hi. Is that working? Yes. I should not speak for the sound.

but I just know I have faith in it. And so I just say, yes, it is working. Are you recording right now? We are indeed. Yeah, we get right. This is great. Or did they get that whole part about where I was like, where, oh great. Yeah. About putting my backpack in the car. That's what the people love. Yes. I'm sure. I was, I actually ran into somebody the other day who was like a fan, you know? And they were like, Hey, what's up? Like, where do you put your backpack? And I was like, look, man, I like, that's not, I don't give that away for free.

You know what I mean? Podcasts only. Podcasts only. So I thought I really latched onto this idea of running an errand. Uh-huh. So I thought we would just go to the Costco real quick. We can do that. Also, can you tell me how to get out of here? Oh, go to the right. Okay. Okay.

Andy McDowell just sold that house up the street. She was living there for a minute. She's really chatty. Yes. I grew up in Missoula, Montana, and she lived in Missoula, Montana for my entire adolescence. And she was always at city council meetings. My dad was like the property tax guy. She'd go in and he said she was very chatty and sweet.

I guess I cannot say first hand. It's mostly like my wife has seen her around and they've talked. But everybody says very nice things. Yeah, that one on Los Feliz. Where's she put her backpack usually?

I feel like, I mean, I don't, I don't know her. I get a strong, doesn't own a backpack vibe. Right. Right. Yeah. I feel like she carries one item when she leaves the house. Yes. You know what I mean? And that's L'Oreal lipstick. And that's, you're from Montana. I am indeed. How, uh, how long have you, I'll just, I love Montana. Oh, you do? Well,

Not really. I think I was up there. My wife and I went there for our honeymoon and I was like, Oh, I get it. Like I get why people move up here if they don't ever want to see another person, if they just write to own guns and be quiet. Yeah. And when, when you're a young person, um,

You just want to get out. Yes. And when I visit now, I'm like, what the hell was I thinking? This is better than the ocean. Yeah. And I imagine, because you're from Maine, right? I grew up in Maine, yeah. I think we probably share a line of latitude. And so it's like a mountain-y version of...

of Maine, maybe. Or am I wrong there? Yeah. No, there are like sort of mountain, I think weather wise and, and landscape wise, it's kind of the same. We have like a sort of fair mountains and crags. It's kind of a craggy state. Sure. Sure. You know what I mean? Jagged, jagged, you know, everybody in New Hampshire, uh, was really big about like, they're like the man in the mountain. You guys know the man in the mountain? No. It's like this rock formation that looked like a man's profile. Yeah.

And it was like right on the ocean and it was like, it's on the state quarter. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, and then I knew a girl in college from New Hampshire who, uh, cried when it fell into the ocean. It was so jagged. It was so craggy. It fell into the ocean. Wow.

Why did she cry? Maybe the face looked like one of her relatives or something. You know, I didn't actually ask follow-up questions. And that's exactly what you should have done. Don't support that behavior at all. No, when someone cries, I walk away. Get out. That's their business. Get out of time for your drama. Please. I know you guys just made a joke about that.

I think I might actually hold that as a serious opinion. That's how I do all my jokes is just what I actually think, but I'm pretending I don't think it. Oh, weird. People laughed at that. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. No, that was a joke. It meant that to be a joke. Yeah, I guess I'll wink now.

Yeah, I know. I think nowadays if someone starts crying, I'm there for it. Well, but with something like that, where it seems like an event that everybody would be receiving relatively the same way, but someone's like, not me. This is the thing I take the most to heart or whatever. That event kind of

I'm like, oh no, I didn't buy a ticket for this. I have to go. Yeah. Always. Yes. I guess. No, go ahead. No, you go ahead. I don't know. I think there is a thing where it's just like, I don't want to make a broad generalization, but like if you're going to cry about the man in the mountain falling into the ocean, it's like there is an underlying thing here that we are not close enough for me to want to dive into. Right. Wait, can I ask you a question? Yeah. Did you go to theater school?

I did. Yeah. I think this is a part of it. I think so. Because I did too. And there was a lot. I was surprised at how much people working out their feelings publicly took place. And that's not how I was raised. And I was like, I thought we were supposed to pretend when it was the appropriate moment, not do it all the time. Right. Yeah. Now when people cry, I just say, oh, you're good. Where did you train? Yeah.

And it's like, I'm actually having a bad day. It's like, that's great improv. Oh, wow. You're so in the moment. Yeah. Amazing space work, the way you're writhing. Where did you grow up, Karen, and where did you go to theater school? I grew up in Northern California in Petaluma, which is just north of San Francisco. And I went to Sac State, Sacramento State. Oh, okay. Where...

Big brag, Tom Hanks went. Really? I didn't know this. Yeah. Was your teacher still dining out on that? A little tiny bit. He would, the freshman, like, theater one teacher would mention Tom every once in a while. Oh, that's so great. I would say Tom. Yeah, would say Tom. Another thing I learned I don't like very early on, where I was like, what? Don't say that. That's so embarrassing.

But, um, but those, all of those things were the things that I basically was like, well, this is all fun and like live performance, but I'm starting to realize I just like the comedy part. I don't, I don't want to do this. I don't want to walk through, um,

Molasses. I don't want to act like a praying mantis. Uh-huh. None of that's for me. I found it all very humiliating. It is humiliating. Some of the warm-ups where it's like, okay, get into a ball and you're going to blossom, things like that. I mean, that's when you're young. That made me really uncomfortable. Yeah. Looking back, I see the importance of some of it in, like, the...

I don't know, I had a theater teacher in college who was like the first person that like kind of introduced the idea of just like sort of body work as exercise. And that was, it was just like, oh, like expanding on how we are able to communicate ideas without just words, without just like naturalism and straightforward words.

Yeah. And I thought that that was interesting, but I don't know. But she was like an old school, like old school hippie theater person. And...

Like, you know, she had had like six discs fused in her back and she was very short. And so she had like this rigid posture and she was a Reiki healer. And somehow, after all of what I've just told you, I still was like, this lady's fucking awesome. Yeah. The other theater teacher that I had, his name was Tom. So your friend might know him. Your teacher might know him. Tom. He...

Wow. It is. Oh.

Is that an LAPD recruitment moment? Yeah, let's go. Oh, is that an LAPD recruitment moment? Do we need to get in there? It sounds like you do because you get free socks and everyone thinks you want socks that say police, but I did that with the army and they would not leave me alone. Don't fall for it. I'm like, these are the most expensive socks I've ever... No such thing as free socks. Yeah, that's something that I would want to do now.

uh be part of a theater community i don't know when i was young why i thought i didn't want to feel uncomfortable or something i don't know why i was scared i think if you went to a college theater party you'd be like i don't like honestly please keep me under the boot you know what i mean like we deserve there are times jesus christ like

I'm fully in support of the strikes. I'm very much a union person. But when I was out there and I saw people like in a karaoke thing, I was like, I don't know, maybe the studios are right. Like I'm sure this is, you know, go to a theater party and you'll be like, I don't know, maybe empathy isn't a good thing. Right. It's hard to be, well, cause the whole, it feels like the theme is like, yeah, you gotta be open-minded. You gotta get in there and like get rid of the cobwebs of who you are or whatever. And it's like, do I,

Or do I just have to pretend I'm upset at this part of this script? There's a couple ways to approach this. Not totally convinced. But I have to say, I think you're so right. The people who I love that are great actors...

are the kind of people who would probably just destroy in like a movement for theater class. Because it is about like, not just you're saying things because you're mad, but then like, what does anger look like when you're just standing there? Whatever kind of... Yeah. Kind of next level stuff that when I was 18, I was like, huh?

Who cares? Like I, you know. Yeah, like who cares? This is about how I'm feeling. Yes. And this is about me processing something or finding, I'm like, that is my own personal journey and this is more important than the product that the audience sees. Right. Right. Right. I think the closest I've been to a situation like that is after I got my hip

I was forced to go to bar method class where I was one, the only male and everyone was really good at it. And I've never done something where it's like you had to, as a group, pay attention to your breathing and everyone's looking at each other for confirmation. People are always like, you doing okay? Like with a difficult, they were all looking out for me. And I felt after that, I did feel like I wanted to be in a play.

I'm not even kidding. Did the doctor say... So you actually want to go up to the next light. Oh, yeah. I've made that mistake. Then you end up in some weird neighborhood. That's where the Korean church is, right? Yeah. This is where I skateboard at 7 o'clock on Sundays.

I'm learning a lot about you in the last few minutes that I wouldn't have assumed in the first 10 minutes. I go early morning to Costco and I make this turn once or twice a week and it's never to go get mustard. And you skateboard? Yes. Yeah. Post-hip surgery.

Post hip surgery? You started post hip surgery? No, I did it my whole life and maybe it's the reason I had to get my hip fixed. But now I do a low impact version of skateboarding that is just doing slappies on these curbs. Oh, hell yeah. And so you're not doing a lot of jumping around. It's just you're finessing yourself onto the curb and doing little poses. It's a lot like figure skating. Okay. Did your doctor specifically...

prescribed bar class? Right, yeah. Sorry, I missed. I... The... A lot of the physical therapy that I was that part, they...

Right after surgery, they're sending people to my bedside and like, okay, do these clam-like shelves, stretch it. I can't remember what. The word clam was involved. But just, you know, opening your hips and doing these things and re-strengthening all these muscles. And then someone that wasn't a doctor said, you're doing bar method stuff. Like the ball, I was squeezing a ball in between my knees. That's a big part of it.

And so I just went on my own. And sure enough, it was like everything, but not in an environment where it's just someone standing there making me do it painfully. It was a group of people doing it. And so I kind of got into it and I loved it. Do you still do it? I don't just because a lot of them closed down during quarantine. I can't find a bar method place. Was there also a somewhat anti-feminist, not anti-feminist,

Sorry, not anti-feminist. A somewhat feminist backlash against bar methods specifically? Oh, because of the weird... There was like a weird guy that started it that did bad things? Oh, no, I feel like I just read that in that...

God, I'm going to butcher her name. Jai Jacinto. It's ringing a bell. What the fuck was it called? There was like a book that was like on Obama's like top 10 books and I read it and she had like a section on bar method and like it's

I'm butchering every part. Like the history. I have no facts even remotely correct. You are perfectly on theme for this podcast. I think what you're talking about is a thing, but I feel like it's not bar method. Well, there's the hot yoga problem. I think that's the one you were talking about. He was just straight up... That guy was nutso. Putting...

in wherever he wanted. Yeah. Just like full arms. Yeah. That is a hot yoga problem. Okay. The big thing was I, at the time, I had a mustache that some people, you know, mustaches weren't, every other person has one now. But I looked a little creepy and I was the only man in there so I would like try not to

They're like, who's this weird guy? And they would actually make an announcement. Hey, everyone, the man in here is Chris. He got his hip fixed. This is part of his therapy. And I'd kind of wave at everyone because they knew I felt uncomfortable. And then like Jeff on the other side, they're like, this is Jeff. Nothing wrong with his clips. His hips is clearly just in here to look at women's. He's a creep. Total fucking creep. But we can't ask him to leave. We did not. Yeah.

We didn't reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. And it's a problem. Our mistake. No, if there was another male in there, it was usually the partner of one of the teachers. And I would assume that. I'm like, are you married to...

the instructor today and they'd always go, yeah, how'd you know? Yeah, today. Because you're like me, but you've got healthy hips. This parking lot is absolutely insane. It's a little bit of a nightmare. Yeah. If you want to just drop me off out front, I can like run in and grab the thing and then run right out. Okay.

Here's my favorite curb, by the way. You can see it's all waxed up. It's perfect. That's so great. That's where I spend once a week. I'm so glad we chose this place. Well, it's interesting because usually you get kicked out of a place. The staff here says hi. They ask how I've been. They come and they'll like...

sweep the curb while we're skating it. They fully support it? They fully support it. Guys, we're going to get a parking spot. Yeah. Sorry about everything we've said about Mercedes. Before I go in, I'll just throw out this one thing that one of my first jobs in Los Angeles... Do you mind if I park here instead of dropping you off in the back? Oh yeah, no, that's fine. One of my first jobs in Los Angeles was I did some handyman work for Sheila Kelly's S-Factor.

which is the pole dancing class. Oh, okay. I believe Sheila Kelly, I don't know if they're still married, they were married at the time, was married to Richard Schiff, the character actor Richard Schiff from The West Wing. Oh, okay, yeah. I just thought that has nothing to do with the story. I just thought that was interesting. But I would go in, because it was like a pole dancing class or a pole dancing gym,

They were very strict because people would wear what you would wear if you were dancing on a pole. Sure. Right. And it was not really-- I'm sure there were some people there who were training to be professionals, but a lot of people was just like, oh, this is a fun way to get exercise and a fun way to build strength or whatever.

So there were very specific times that I could go in and fix stuff there because they were like, "There are no men allowed in here without permission at any point." So I had to run in and fix the bathroom door in an hour and 15 minutes. And if I got in there and I was like, "This is going to take way more than an hour and 15 minutes," they'd just be like, "Go home."

Wow. So yeah, Sheila Kelly's S-Factor, they're protective. I have a, I don't know if it was Sheila Kelly's, because I'm not sure how long that's been around, but I worked on, long, long ago, Zach Alfinakis had a talk show on VH1, and we did field pieces for it. And one, somebody thought it would be funny if we had Gene Simmons go to a pole dancing class.

And I'll never forget, it was so uncomfortable while we were there. Like from Kiss? Yeah. Yes. I was thinking Richard Simmons, but he did have cat makeup on. It was Gene Simmons. Gene Simmons, huh? Yeah, with no cat makeup on. It was when he was like, I think he had been on a VH1 show or something. So it was kind of like retro back in the, it was the year 2000. So I can't explain much. But...

There was no idea. And of course, I became the field producer and there was no idea. So it was just like, can you imagine Jeet's little pole dancing class? And I was like, uh-huh, it'd be awful. And so he went there and just walked around as these women tried to do the exercises. And he was so disgusting that they kicked us out and they had pre-agreed to the idea. But he literally was walking around. At one point, he looked at this woman's ass and just goes, nice dumpa.

Oh my God. And the teacher looked at me like I was in charge of him and it was like, we have to cancel this. And I'm like, great idea. We'll see you later. Like there was no defending. There was no nothing. It was just like, wouldn't it be great to watch Gene Simmons be disgusting to women? And the answer is no. It wouldn't be great or funny. Terrible situation where suddenly you're the handler of the guy that says nice dump. I'm with this guy. Oh.

- Oh, he's with me. - Look, I'm not trying to both sides this. - Uh oh, here we go. - No, I have nice things to say about him too. I'm next. - I'm just talking like, from your opinion, like when you saw it, and I'm not doing anything except asking a question. I'm just asking questions. - Oh boy, here we go. - Confronting me. - I mean, was it a nice dumper? - Nope.

And that's why she was like, he's not being honest. Get out of here. Inauthentic improv and I don't like it. Watching Gene Simmons do anything seems like it'd be a nightmare. One of my worst experiences ever, and I'm going to say this because nobody likes him, is that I went to the movies the night that the movie Chronicle came out.

that was written by Max Landis, famously wonderful person, Max Landis. And... Chronicle. Who was in that? Dane DeHaan, Michael B. Jordan. It was the one about like, you know, superheroes, like a superhero story, but like a little bit

Do you guys know who I'm talking about? I know Max Landis. Do you know him personally? I know Michael B. Jordan. A little bit. Okay. Are you guys really good friends? No. Okay. No. I just went to a party and felt weird because everyone was famous and I put my feet in the pool and didn't make eye contact. This is great. You made the good choice. Yes. He was really excited because his movie was coming out and Gene Simmons was at the Arclight walking through the lobby.

And Max Landis ran and slid on his knees across the floor up to Gene Simmons and like made a big show of saying hello to Gene Simmons and how excited he was to meet him. He did that on both sides of that. I hated it. It happened right in front of me. And I didn't know either of these people at this point, but I was like, I don't like a moment of this.

of this. You just circled the whole thing. In that moment, I would turn and move back to Maine. Yeah. Honestly, I hadn't been here very long. I was like, this is not a nice dumpa. Yeah.

Okay, I'll be right back. Does anybody need anything while I'm in there? Could you get me a flat of small Frito-Lay chips? Just like 100. I just have a piece of paper here with my eyeglass prescription. I know it's a second line. It's handwritten. No doctors involved. No, we will pause. I'll check on like...

What do you like progressive lenses for? These are progs. He's back. Sweet.

How did it go when I was in there? It was just really tense. It was like, I think Annalise and I are fighting. I don't know why. Yeah, we got in a big argument about the music of Kiss. Oh, really? The quality of the musicianship. It is. I think it was Josh Fadum who used to, in his stand-up, make fun of how they came out dressed like monsters, and then the music would start, and they're like, ooh, baby, baby.

I like to have sex and parties are fun. I always used to think that Judas Priest was a fake band.

Oh. Like a T from a TV show? Basically. That they were like the, like, well, fuck, what's the name of the band in the, the, the mockumentary that's very famous? Oh, yeah, yeah. Spinal Tap. Spinal Tap. Like, I honestly thought they were a Spinal Tap. Like, that's the only reason your band would be called Judas Priest. Yeah, yeah. Have you guys ever just straight up

Been in a store and built... I've just been like, fuck it, I'm going to steal something. I... Wait, can you just tell us really quick what that errand was? If it's not too private? And if you paid for it. So, I...

The, the, the people that, the, the, the thing that people are going to hate about what I'm about to say is that I play golf a lot. Uh, Hey, I'm sorry, but, uh, that's I, me too. Oh, you do. And I think we were both in a tournament together. What was it? Comedy. Oh, the comedy gives back. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. It's coming up again, isn't it? Uh,

I haven't heard that. I ended up golfing with the wrong group and kind of, they were upset with me. What did you do? They put my bag on a cart and I followed my bag. And then at the end, they're like, why'd you golf with these guys? And I'm like, Oh, my bag was on their cart.

And how'd you play though? Uh, we did well, I think we got, uh, the what's you got the gross score and the net score. We got one of those. And you were, you were one of those. Yeah. The guys, we, we had like a ringer, you know, it's a group. And one of the guys clearly spent his whole life golfing. The other guy was Barry from Barry's tickets. And then some guy from the wind casino, uh,

Steve Wynn? Steve Wynn. That's incredible. No, but he knows him, and he was very sweet. But I think I saw you there just when we were all first. But I only know you from UCB occasional passing by, and it's also a situation where I've watched you in things, and I may be confused that with a real life situation.

personal connection. Where's your backpack friendship? So I didn't, but I did have a feeling I knew you from a golf thing. Okay, cool. So I am not judging you. The next time we're at a golf thing, let's talk. Okay, cool. Because I also am embarrassed about how much I'm into golf. But also, let's not let Timothy sidestep what we're all going to attack him for right now. Whatever he's going to say. So I, because I play a lot and I, like in the last couple years started playing in like

uh, like playing in like amateur tournaments, like just like kind of local amateur amateur tournaments where you play like, you know, plumbers from Yorba Linda or whatever. I don't know. Is Yorba Linda close to your, I played with plumbing and heating guys also. Yeah. It's like, this is the vibe. Yeah. So, uh, but there was, there was one time where I was like, I'm going to be playing in this tournament up in Ojai. And, uh,

it's going to be like 105 degrees out. And I was like, I, I, it's like hard to play golf even on like a regular day, but what do I do if there's like the chance of heat stroke? So I asked to like, you know, I put it out to the general, like, what do I do to like stay hydrated if I'm playing? And I got a recommendation for these like liquid IV hydration multiplier. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And they can, like, be kind of expensive. They're kind of expensive if you buy them at, like, CVS, but Costco has them for a much cheaper price. Of course. But then you run the risk of not getting the flavor you like, which is what happened today. May I see them? Yeah. What flavor did you get? But apparently...

that's the oh sure i've had been cherry and strawberry and yeah they're just little packets there's going to be like 50 of them in here yeah oh that's great and so the the the recommendation came with this thing that was like when somebody was like i have to send a lot of packages to family members who are serving like in the military in the middle east and all they want is liquid ivy really like this thing and so i was like all right that's like an actual right like a real life

I don't want to say that my playing golf in Ojai and them being on your fire in Afghanistan is the same thing, but I'm going to let your audience connect those if they want. Yes, it is your service. Yes. And I thank you. Yes, we all thank you. No, it's not to be. I just did one in Montana at Big Sky, way up, very high altitude, and it was very beautiful, and you're like...

the tee boxes were like at the edge of a cliff and then the fairway would just be something the size of a... There's a curb here and I'm worried that... Oh, it worked. It worked out. It worked out. I thought we were going to do a mid-car scrape. I thought we were going to just rip that whole battery off from underneath. My back is riddled with sweat from that one moment. But I, because of the altitude...

And suddenly the ball would go a hundred yards further. I'm like, am I stronger up here? But at the end I had to and did throw up and I didn't see it coming. And I think it was a minor, like I just wasn't drinking enough water. The altitude, it was a hundred degrees.

And I got sick at the end. So it is good that you have those. That's no, I honestly, I recommend them. Now I'm like a day to day guy. Now I'll have one a day. Wow. I mean, like, guys, I don't want to brag. I didn't come here to brag and talk like big time anybody. But like, I'll drink a hydration packet every day.

You know, the actual, did that guy do it? He's just saying there's another line. Oh. But everybody's in one line. Yeah, everybody's in one line. Yeah, so you'd kind of be screwing yourself. But this person. Oh, wait, is he trying to say that he wants to get out and through? Yeah, but so do we all. Yeah. That's my response. We all want the same thing.

I'm glad you stood your ground. I think you did. Everything's fine. You can wait three minutes. If he goes around and like skips ahead, we're going to know. Yeah, there we go. I know that guy. He did the right thing. He's a roller skater. He's way into roller skating. I do. I just know him. Sorry. How do you feel about driving during all this? Are you okay? Oh, I love it. Okay. It's really, well, I guess it's like, we've done this for a while and we used to actually go to the airport a lot.

Wow. So, yeah, we really tried to stay on like picking up comics as they were coming home from doing sets out of town or dropping them off on their way to. But this was before Lyft and Uber was 90% of the traffic. We were kind of the first Lyft and Uber, I think. Yes. Just one man. We invented Lyft and Uber. Sometimes we would like we would switch places.

But there was too much pressure for Chris. You fooled it. Karen is a multitasker. And I think I have ADHD or something. I cannot talk and finish sentences while steering a vehicle. Those two things, I will have. And I'm okay with that about myself. Karen, it does not affect her driving. She's still firing on all cylinders.

Have you guys ever almost gotten in an accident or anything? That's a good question. And we've now cursed the car. No. Yes, we once almost killed Eddie Pepitone. But he didn't know. And he didn't mind. He didn't know. He was in the middle of a sentence. He didn't see the... Very close to being T-boned. I don't know Eddie Pepitone. I've seen him a couple times. I think he's very funny. I can also...

Could see and please tell me if I'm wrong I could also see Eddie Pepitone being the kind of person that when he's in the middle of a sentence truly would not notice Anything that's happening outside of that sentence. Yes, I think like me he's not a multitasker He is in that sentence and no accident could make him finish it. Yeah, we also almost got attacked by a guy on a bike and

who I think, I can't remember what the problem was. - It was back when I was, I think I was maybe drunk that episode. And I yelled some, "Yeah, we get it, you're on a bike." - And then he circled back around. - 'Cause he like, cut in front of us. - Yeah, yeah. - Oh shit. - And then he circled back around and took his bike lock and went to hit the car with it. Did he actually do that? - He tried to hit your mirror, but then he shot out into traffic and I'm like, "Oh no, now we're gonna watch this guy die." - Yeah. - Out of the passion of hatred for us.

He didn't die. Can I tell you a guy that used to be my downstairs neighbor in Chicago was a bike messenger. Like, young guy. Really into biking. He helped me build, like, a Chicago, like...

sort of like scrappy fixed gear bike, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Back when you were the age that you did that sort of thing. Oh, fixed gears, yeah. And I don't know, are you guys, did you guys ever spend any time there? In Chicago? Yeah. I lived there for a year. Oh, you did? Okay. So it's like a pretty bike-accessible city. Yeah. Like bikes and public transport are pretty regular there. Do you want any coffee? No, I'm good. I have one. Can I get a triple tall, one pump, hot mocha?

Do you want a coffee? Uh, yeah, I'll do a cold brew. Can we also get a grande cold brew with oat milk? Okay, thank you. So, I want to ask you questions about being sober.

But I've just said my downstairs neighbor building fixed-gear bikes He had a lot of good bike messenger stories and apparently there was this that I guess this is a pretty common thing if you're gonna be a person who spends a lot of time in the cold, but there was like this real old-school like 50 year old guy who was still bike messenger. Oh wow, and He would do it. They would do it in all weather at all times and

this guy's deal was he would only wear shorts no matter what the weather was. But if it was like snowing and freezing cold, he had this big thing of like Vaseline, like, like petroleum jelly, like a giant jar of it at like the, the hub, um, to give like context for your audience. So can you remember, remember like the clown hub in the movie Joker? Yeah.

Joaquin Phoenix. It was like that, but for bike messengers. Yes. I see them in New York still, the delivery, like it's more. Yeah. Yeah, there's a hang. I think now that you can like e-sign stuff, it's a little less common. Yeah. But there are still some things that like need to have a wet signature, like in 15 minutes, 45 blocks away. Right, right. So he would, he would like take the petroleum jelly, put it all, coat his legs with it.

like ride bikes for the entire day. And shave its legs, right? Well, no, at the end of the day, you would peel it off and put it back in the tub. Oh my Lord. Yeah. But like, that's how you like keep your, uh, that's how you keep your, your limbs warm.

Sorry, can we go back to he would take the Vaseline back off his legs and put it back in the jar? Yeah, because then if it was cold the next day, he would use it the next day. Oh, see, that's... And I don't think... I mean, like, I think if you're a bike messenger, budgets are...

You don't have like an unlimited petroleum jelly budget. I mean, I can't imagine a less expensive... Yeah, because there's mud and street debris mixed in there and he would just slather it back on. Yeah, like sweat and hair. Gross. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, it's gross. Yeah, don't get me wrong. I don't think we gave it its gross moment that it really needed.

Because I was ordering. Well, I thought, yeah, I started to think that that was a normal thing for, because a lot of the guys that rode bikes a lot growing up, they would shave their legs and I thought put Vaseline on, but maybe I'm thinking of swimmers. I don't remember. Swimmers shave their legs and arms, right? Sure. For sure. The Vaseline part, that seems like a performance enhancing thing.

Yeah. Well, in beauty pageants, they put Vaseline on their teeth so their lips don't stick to their teeth. Whether it's swimming or biking or beauty, Vaseline is like, you might as well be juicing. And I'm not talking about juice. Same dip. I'm talking about... Wait a second. I just had a Gene Simmons memory. Uh-huh. And was this you and I at the Burbank airport when we were standing there talking and...

I could swear it was you on our way to Bumbershoot. And we're about to get on a Southwest flight, whatever. I was standing there with somebody. I could have sworn it was you. And Gene Simmons was walking directly toward us.

And I was like, oh my God, it's Gene Simmons. And I was doing that trying to... And I think I can be very subtle if I'm trying to make people not feel like I'm talking about them. So I wasn't turning my head and I was kind of just being like, that's Gene Simmons, that's Gene Simmons. And...

Whoever I was with was like, yep, I see him. I'm with you. And then Gene Simmons suddenly made a beeline directly toward the two of us and was like, what are you two up to? I want to see what's going on over here. And it was so unnerving and insane where it was like he picked up on the fact that he knew we clocked him and wanted to get in on the, hey, you guys are excited I'm here. It was insane. I don't think I was there, but I'm just remembering the time that happened to Michelle Balloon and I at the improv and it came up.

to us. Same difference. With Gene Simmons? Yes, but that's what we talked about a little while you were getting me glasses. They look great, by the way. I love them. I love this new... The cat eyes are perfect for you. I thought it was normal to be blurry up in this fourth quadrant.

And he went straight up to Michelle and said, I don't know what you do, but I'm sure you do it well. And then he looked at me and he said, and you are a strong and handsome, powerful and handsome man. And then later he had a book come out that said it's like called A Powerful and Handsome Man. It was like he was trying out the title of his book. Yeah. And he got it. I was like, thank you. Yeah.

As creepy as he is, he has kids that liked going to the improv and watching stand-up. And his tall son was really sweet and shy. And I'm like, well, he fathered these kids. So that was like the one. So you're...

Your gauge of whether someone is a good parent or not is if they end up wanting to watch stand-up. His stand-up specifically. I'm not saying it dictates whether you're a good person or not, but it makes me all defend you.

In a court of law. No, it was more that his children were like shy and nice. Oh, okay. And giggly and like excited to hang out with a bunch of comics when their dad is a big rock star. Yeah. They were bored with that. And I like that. Did you ever see that Jeff Tweedy documentary? I think it was called I'm Trying to Break Your Heart.

Oh, I did not. There is a moment there in there where like Jeff Tweedy is dropping off his teenage son at school and he's doing like such quintessential dad stuff. He like kind of doesn't know where his stuff is in the car. And like, he's like,

turning over his right shoulder to look into the back seat to say goodbye to his son. But his son is like kind of already out the car, so he has to like then quickly adjust to be over his left shoulder, like, you know, opens the door a little bit because he like can't figure out how to get the window down. It's like a very dad moment when the kid is just kind of like, "Yeah, all right, Dad. Yeah, I'll see you tonight."

Like my dad had set the door. Yeah. It's like, we're all like, if you have kids, you're just fucking doomed. Yeah. It doesn't matter what you do. And you, you have kids, right? I do. Yeah. They just started middle school and I want to fucking kill myself. Oh, why? What did they suddenly care about?

Their eyes open in the morning and they fucking hate us. Oh, wow. And then their eyes shut at night and it's done. So there's relatively good times as they sleep? Yeah. But then you're just like going through the slideshow of all the times you fucked up as a parent that day. Yeah.

by like you know all the promises you made yourself before they woke up to be like all right this is how i'm gonna handle it so much better today and it's the roller coaster of it it's like they will be in one moment

Like one of them looked me in the face and said, Papa, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No way. Oh, yeah. Strong F and K. Yep. And then five minutes later, it's these wild swings between being a teenager and being an elementary schooler.

Yeah, like it's still like a sweet little elementary schooler who wants a piggyback ride and wants to be silly and like we have a thing where if you if I hold your hands and you're facing forward and your feet are on my feet it's called the robot. Oh, sure. You know, it's like, oh Papa, I want a robot. So every once in a while, it's a robot, but then five minutes later, it's smoking a pack of six. Yeah.

- Wow. - There's such an awful time. - It's an awful time. - I wouldn't go back there for $10 million, truly. It was so confusing and bizarre and all the rules change. Everybody around you changes. You kind of don't know what's going on at school anymore. The rules are like, everything just gets real gray area. It's so fucking irritating. And then actually when I lived in Chicago,

I went to this thing with my friend that was really cool. What are you doing? Oh, you're just going to step. Which was people, it was this kind of event thing where people could come and give a five minute or three minute presentation on any topic that interested them. And so while we were there, there was a guy gave a talk on how to photograph lightning and a girl gave a talk on, um,

working for Habitat for Humanity. At the very end, the last lady was a junior high teacher and she gave a talk in defense of 13 year olds

And I was sobbing by the end because she's like, here's the thing. Everyone hates 13 year olds. She's like, it is there. It's the one time in your life where you're completely a child and starting to become an adult. They have more hormones in their body than any human does at any time. And she just starts kind of like explaining physiologically how awful it is for them.

And then like sociologically how awful it is and like all those different things. And she's like, and so I try to be the teacher that sees them. And I was just like, I needed you so badly when I was in eighth grade or whatever. Because it's really true. It's like when they're sulky and they're snide and they're kind of like only about their friends, you don't, it's very difficult to be on their side. You're just kind of like, yeah, I get it.

But, you know, actually, they're still our kids. And you're getting hit with two at once. Two at once. That's double. Double. Trouble. Double. So much pain. Classic use of the common phrase. I did actually hear something, like, close to that in that I think they were joking, but kind of not. They had that same...

attitude behind it, but they were like, being a teenager should be a legal defense for murder. Yeah. Like, if you kill someone, you should be able to go up there and be like, Your Honor, I was a teenager. Yeah. Like, your brain is at

Yeah. With your body. Yeah. Here's the lobe that has compassion. I have not quite developed this. I'm just imagining in a court of law defending. And I feel, like, completely connected to every other person my age around me. Like, I need to do what they're doing. If I can't do what they're doing, it's the world is ending. Like, those kinds of things of, like, oh, you're not invited. That's the end chapter. That's the last chapter of your book. Like, oh, just...

Just a nightmare. Always. I try, I'm trying so hard to, it's just, it's, I mean like you just, it's hard. Like when somebody just decides like, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna like punch you in the face a bunch of times today. And they're not literally punching me in the face. Just emotionally. Just emotionally punching me in the face. It is, it's just hard to keep that

that sort of like 30,000 foot view of it. - Yeah. - And at some points it's just like, I don't know what to tell you. You just gotta brush your teeth. - Yeah. - You just gotta do it. I've been saying it every day for eight years. You just gotta do it. - And now you're probably at home more, like you're dealing with it all the time, right?

Yeah, currently. Yeah. Because of, oh, hey, I mean, we might be doing this. I mean, I don't want this to be released four weeks from now and be proved wrong, but...

I hearing possibly that maybe, Oh really? Yeah. Maybe today, maybe today is a day. Oh wow. I didn't hear today. That's exciting. Well, I think I, I'm drawing a lot. I'm reading a lot into the email that went out last night. Okay. Which was like, you know, I didn't read it.

It was. I mean, it was like the one from two nights ago was two sentences long. It's like negotiations update. We negotiated today and we will be negotiating tomorrow. That's good. I mean, it's great. Yeah. That's great news. Last night, it was at like 11 p.m.

And I just feel like the later they go into the evening, the better. And then also it was like, we negotiated today and we will continue to negotiate tomorrow, but we encourage everyone to go out to the picket lines tomorrow. Oh shit. And so I read a little bit of that into like,

Get out there because at some point there's going to be an announcement. We want a lot of people out on the streets. Right. Yeah. That's what I took from it. Okay. But, I mean, honestly, we've all had the rug pulled out from under us before, and I don't. I'm also prepping myself to not. Yeah. They're negotiating with true sociopaths, if not straight-up psychopaths. Yes. Which might be the same thing. I'm not sure. Yeah, I think it's a blurry line. It's a blurry line.

But at the same time, somebody was talking about that they heard they're not going to let it go into the holidays because that the studios are already such villains in this whole situation. And then to have it be like, oh, they really are trying to starve people out through Christmas is the worst look of all time. Yeah. And I am so very happy that in every moment where they have tried to pull these

They've tried to pull old school tactics. Everybody has just immediately gone right past them. Yeah. Just right past them. Yes. And honestly, it seems like even the American population. Entirely. Like, especially compared to... Because I was a writer in 2008. Nobody gave a single shit. Like, it was an elite problem for elite people that it's like, solve it so that everybody else's job isn't impacted. And it was not the same. And watching how...

Well, it's because of social media, but watching how much support, watching young people give a shit about labor politics is beautiful. It's so great. It is. And I, one thing that I keep telling to people or that like who asked me about it, who maybe aren't in the business is like, there is no, they might be able to put up a counter argument to what the union is asking for.

But what they don't have is an argument for their side of why it would be better for anyone except themselves. Yeah. Especially when we look back and we see like, try being a musician that isn't Taylor Swift. Yeah. How is that going on the entry level? Yeah. Try being a fucking journalist. Try being a taxi driver. Try being a... I mean, like...

I tried being a fucking... Like, I don't know. NFTs all just went... Cryptocurrency... Like, they have come in... Tech companies have come in and truly fucked up every single good American industry. Yeah. And I'm not saying that banks are good, but...

But, and they have no argument for that. It's like, oh, well, if we do it our way, it's going to be better for everyone because they've seen over and over and over again that it isn't. And so I think that even the people who are like, that's an elite problem, they're like, oh, wait, that's my problem too. Yes. And that like, oh, the reason I believe that this is an elite problem is because these reporters are like the, you know, when they, now that they're interviewing, because all the auto workers are on strike. Right. That,

Sean Finn, I think his name is. That's the president of the autoworkers union. And he keeps going. It's so weird that you keep asking me how bad it is for the economy that we are on strike. Why don't you think it's bad for the economy? These billionaires keep taking everything for themselves. He's like, that's what's bad for the economy. Their system doesn't work. And it's like, this is amazing. Like, it's such good messaging. It's clear.

It's clear. It's like, we're all in this together. It's yeah. And the auto industry version, it's easily applied to what we're talking about. Yeah. Like the same problem. It's the same. And there is that thing. Like I was listening to, um,

I don't want to do a free ad for another podcast while I'm on board. But I was listening to The Watch and Greenwald sort of put it very concisely. Like the guy from the UAW was like, yeah, like they've offered us a really incredible raise. Like they offered us a 20% raise. And yeah, that's really, that's amazing.

but the CEO got a 40% raise. Yeah. So what, what are we actually talking about? Like, why is it that you get to do that? But we don't like, we're the ones that do everything. Yeah. Um, so hopefully while we're driving around and, um,

this car we'll figure it out and you know what you know who's really doesn't want it to happen well you just said this car really hurt my feelings well i didn't know if i wanted to like go down that whole road because i mean very well this could have been bought years before it was then there you go like i it was if you showed up and like the sticker was still on the window and you're like okay what are we doing oh i'm a full-on white supremacist i love it

You know who's not going to be happy? It's Big Honk. Big Honk wants this fucking strike to go on forever. Yeah, for real. Oh, the specific horn industry. Even the clowns. Everyone's lining up for Big Honk. You know the clown lobbyists coming in here like, guys, we've got to keep this going. We've never done better. But they all have the makeup on. Oh, I want to go to a clown strike.

Oh, that'd be so, I have a friend who just recently like went on a first date with a clown. Oh. But like a, she like texted me to be like, Hey, I like just got back from this date. I think it like kind of went okay. Uh, but he's like a clown. And I was like, okay, but like what kind? And it turned out to be like, you know, Cirque du Soleil. Sure. That kind of thing. And I was like, honestly, that fucking slaps. Like that's great. Cirque du Soleil clowns. I mean,

I don't know what it's like to be on the road with them. But they are like, you know, they're, I'm basing this all off one clown that I know who's awesome. Yeah. I'm, all my experience is based on in Montreal getting my pocket picked by a group of clowns. And so I, I don't trust them. I don't trust, they did buy us drinks with our money, but.

How did you know they were clowns? They told us that we were in after our shows, Chad Daniels and I went to some party that was mostly French Canadians and a lot of clowns were there and they were... I didn't know what it meant back then. I'm like, for kids parties? I didn't understand. And maybe that's why they were offended. Was that part of their misdirection? Yes. They were like picking your pocket while... It was actually Chad's...

wallet but they they took and then they're like kept buying us drinks but it was with chad's money and then the next day he got a call uh from the the person that lived in this place that where the party is being held and he's like if you want your wallet and your id i see you have a flight tomorrow at eight and and we showed up there and everything was laid out sans the money

That's a pretty good bit. It's kind of great. It's kind of great. Yeah. And there was no, there was nothing we could do about it. But,

I didn't. They just controlled your partying. That's all. They cut themselves in and then they were like, this is how much fun we're going to have. Right. I would have ordered a double and they got me a single and it made sense. That honestly, they were doing you a favor. Yeah. I've noticed a lot of standups are taking like clown classes and it's like currently a thing. Clowning is back, baby.

Why do you think that? Not meaning like, why do you think that they are taking those classes? It is a conversation among comics that I've been hearing, and they've even mentioned it on this podcast. Right, Karen? Back me up here. I sound like a weirdo. A lot of stand-ups, there are like clown classes. And so if you're like a dry one-liner comic, maybe you need to work on your...

clowning i know so little about it that i'm about to talk myself into a corner where i trail off all i know is the comics are taking clowns it's true i'm going true i'm gonna go to sleep and imagine a world where i make sense right now uh but yeah there's clowning classes have you ever met uh a separatist like a french canadian separatist who like wants to like

It's like kind of hot. Wait, please tell us your specific story. Yes. And how it got sexual. Maybe it's just this one separatist that was hot. I was like 22.

And I was working at like a Shakespeare theater and there was like a French Canadian. And it was like kind of like a whiz for like, we, you know, God, I wonder if this is, I hope this isn't like a Patriot Front thing. Oh. Where it was like secretly like the separatist movement. It was just like, we want to be French. We don't want to be Canadian. We want to speak French. We want to keep that part. Right. Of the...

So yeah, Jesus, I really hope this wasn't like a 14 words kind of, like a Canadian 14 words deal. Oh, these, the clowns that we met that night, they did not like us and they would not speak English and they were French. Okay, yeah. Like they're very proud of their Frenchness. Yes.

Which, if they could see it through our eyes, maybe that would change. Well, there's different interpretations. I've had a couple genuine spit takes. I'm able to stop it because I'm a professional, but I've twice had coffee in my nasal passage, so good. That's a compliment. Awesome. Where do you guys live in town? I live in the Valley. Okay. And I'm pretty close to you. I'm right around...

The corner in Echo Park. Oh, great. So do you know your way around the neighborhood generally? I am getting there. I spent 15 years in Venice, you know, around the boat people. We've already talked about that. He means people who own boats. Daily make eye contact with captains.

And I, yeah, I love it over here. I'm happier and I've met more of my neighbors and there's like a community. I love it. I love it over here. Did you, did the move have anything to do, did that coincide with getting sober? And I don't know if that, is that too personal? No, you, it's a good question. I, yes, I do think that. I was in, I wasn't performing enough because I was so far away from,

Like, I would drive to the improv or shows that I knew were a sure thing as far as stage time, but I was just hanging out a lot. Didn't have a lot of friends. And then I lived right by Killer Shrimp where they would give me free booze. And I was drinking, I think, nightly over there. And then when I moved to Echo Park, all of a sudden, it's like a hip area and I was near Little Joy and out of boredom, I'm like, well, I'll just go down here and

And play pool. And that involved drinking too much. And I started to feel like I was unhealthy. And I just gradually just stopped. I didn't hit like a rock bottom. Oh, okay. I did a diet that involved not drinking and realized I felt better. And I'm just like, I'm done. And I've decided I'm not going to ever do it again. That's great. But I'm not mad at it. I had good times. But I'm better at also...

during shows I remember all my jokes. I'm seeing all these other benefits where it's like, you know. I'm not a stand-up, but it seems like remembering your jokes during a show is like...

like up there on the list of priorities. Yes. And I feel like I was getting worse and worse at it and needing more little notes and cheat sheets. And especially for doing like an hour long show. And like, I don't, I right now in this moment, I can't think of one of my jokes that was starting to happen. And it also, I wasn't connecting it with the fact that I had seven drinks and that's so now, yeah, I think in general, my brain is just working better. And yeah,

no depression, no anger, all those things that were a byproduct of this drug going into my brain is it's just like, Oh yeah, I'm also happier. Weird. You guys are, we're like almost back at my house. Do you, can I give you one of these hydration things? Do you want to try one? You're very sweet. Yes, I actually will. Oh, yeah. Uh,

Do you want strawberry or golden cherry? Golden cherry? Oh, I thought it was the mix of the two. I was like, that's crazy. No, it's like a half and half pack. There were 15 golden cherries and 15 strawberries. I think... And a golden cherry. That's perfect. Thank you. I'll take a golden cherry also. There you go. Would you like one? Oh, sure. Yeah. Do you want strawberry or golden cherry? And we don't... There you go. Yeah. My suggestion is...

You got to put ice in there. I do like a Nalgene bottle with ice. And then I also put in like a little bit of extra salt. Oh, really? Yeah, because like the salt helps you from cramping. And it's like, you know, it's like the hydration. There's no science behind that.

There's truly no fucking science at all. I might as well be like saying, here are some good crystals. Maybe just for flavor. Yeah. I put in like a little bit of extra salt. Sometimes it's like too sweet or too like fake sweet. Oh, yeah. So just in case, I would say throw in a little extra salt, shake it up with the ice. If you don't like the flavor, the coldness kind of like takes away from the flavor. You know, it'll just taste of cold. And I should save this for post exertion. Right.

I think you want to do-- one of the big things about hydration is you want to make sure you're hydrating up to the event and also during.

Okay. So you want to drink a lot of water beforehand, but also I usually like throw that in in the middle. I've been also taking protein powder right before I go to bed. Is that right or wrong? He's not a doctor. No, excuse me. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't ask. You don't know my degree. I went to that theater school for doctors. I believe that you were supposed to take protein powder more towards like post-

- exercise. - Right. I think you are right. I don't know that, like, I don't know that your body processes it well overnight.

But again, I will reluctantly agree that I am not a doctor. I think you are right. And I still, I take it beforehand just as motivation to not get into my exercise clothes and then just sit on my couch. Once I take my little pill that's supposed to make me strong, I'm like, well, now I have to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm doing. You just eaten the raw ass powder? Oh, absolutely.

Oh, they're little pills. Are they? Really? Yeah, like a muscle guy, like testosterone...

I don't know. I just, I bought them because I thought they would motivate me. I love it. Yeah. That's a great idea. Yeah. This was so fun. Thank you so much for being a guest on the show. For real, I was so excited when I saw your name because I listened to your episode that you did with Bridger on I Said No Gifts and it was so funny. And I was like, that's cool that he did that. And then I saw you on ours and I was like, oh my God, this is the greatest.

I mean, this like it came up and I was like, I think one of the things having been on like some podcasts in the past where it ends up as being like,

hey so uh now that you're here in my back office right just tell me everything and i didn't like this seems like it's like such a good bit like let's go run an errand let's drive around for a minute that just seems like such a fun thing to do so thank you for it's a true hang yeah it's a true hang i really appreciate it yeah thank you guys and i and i'm sorry i didn't say hi at the

the golf thing we were at. I'll lose my number. This next time. No, I've already got it. It's in my phone. I'll be calling. I'll see you at Roosevelt. All right. We are golf buddies. I'll see you guys later. Thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You... He was great. He was so great. I know. I just want to say... And I like that sweater. I should have told him. I'm going to go tell him. That was such a you sweater. It was... And he had a big old mustache. Did he? You didn't see? Why isn't he my friend? We could golf together and talk about our mustaches and our sweaters. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

horn that's big horn for you stupid horn that's big horn for you

This has been an Exactly Right production. Produced by Annalise Nelson. Mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kotner. Theme song by Karen Kilgareff. Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at Dynar Podcast. That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcast. For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.