Refresher: How Can I Help With My Wife's Moodiness?
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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. Remember, you can hear my live radio program weekdays, 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

Michael, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. First-time caller, long-time listener. Love your program, love the advice you give to people. And I've taken some of it in the past, and I really appreciate what you do. I'm a veteran as well, retired Coast Guard. So thank you so much for what you do for vets as well. Thank you. You're very welcome. My question relates...

Yes, ma'am. My question regards my wife post-surgery from a brain surgery that had to do with melanoma spreading to her brain. And since then, a side effect of the surgery has been that she has increased anxiety and a little bit of anger,

along with that anxiety at times, right? And I could see it building at times where I'm trying to come up with better ways to approach her or to try to deescalate when I do see her having those moments. And telling her, asking her to calm down or relax isn't cutting the mustard. That seems to have the opposite effect of what I'm trying to accomplish. So I was wondering if

if you had any tools or recommendations on how I could either change my approach or... When she's not in one of those modes, she is aware that they do happen, right? Yes, ma'am. And how frequently do they happen?

I would say once or twice a month it builds up and then there's a release of this. And then, and then of course, Okay, stop, stop. I just wanted to know how often it happened. Just stop. Okay. So when she's not in one of those modes, she does know that they happen and she's clear on how she behaves. Yes. Did you know that skincare can start in the laundry room?

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And has she said, has she described what the experience is from her end? What does it feel like to her? How does she describe it when she's not in it?

Right. She feels like she just doesn't have control of the situation herself. And then it's followed by guilt of how she acted or reacted to something. Okay. So when she's not in that mode, that's the time to sit there and not try to do the fix it because that doesn't work as you find out time and time again. And to say, what do you thinking about now if you were in that mode?

What would be another relief? Would it be a hot bath? Would it be, I don't know, if she's allowed to have a little wine? You have to check the doctor with the medications. She had to give up wine, but no, that's great. She loves back massages, so that's great. This is a great suggestion. No, I'm not making a suggestion. I'm just saying, ask her what would not be offensive. Oh, right. Find out. Anybody who is upset...

So I'm paid to talk too much. Okay. You're not. All right. So is to ask her when she's not in that mode mood, what would you like? Would you like me to put music on? And if so, what kind? Because music is wonderful for people. I mean, no matter what my mood is, if you turn on oldies rock and roll, that's all I want to do is get up and dance. I don't think of anything I'm upset about. It's like the best medicine in the world.

So mention things like music. You can't do a back rub all the time. We need a list of about five things. How about a quick walk? How about a drive? How about an ice cream soda? How about anything? Let's plan ahead. And so you, it's not something you necessarily do to her, but she can always turn on the music. She can do that for herself. She can self-medicate with music.

An Epsom salt bath. Meditating to one of those tapes that has you, I don't know, on the beach in Hawaii. So plan as a team, not as you're going to be medicinal. Some of it might mean you do something like give her a back massage, but that's not what you're going to do every time. And that's not necessarily what she's going to choose. So that's what I'd like you to do.

Make her be in control of her own. Make her be in control. What this does is helps her become in control of that mood because when she's in that mood, she feels a lack of control. Well, how do we get the control back? These are some of the things you can do. Mostly distraction. That's it.

It is. It's like getting the control back. I love that, Dr. Warren. And having those tools aside for her that maybe I'm not there and she's experiencing it. She has to have other things, lighting a candle, listening to music. That's wonderful. I'm going to make that list when the calm of the storm before it gets crazy, then it's too late by then. I see what you're saying. And just show great compassion. Start this discussion with compassion.

I can see how tortured you are when that thing happens. We'll call it the thing that happens. So I was thinking that, you know, that way we're not making her bad behavior or crazy person because her brain's damaged. Just that thing happens and you feel out of control is what you described to me, sweetheart. I was wondering, let's come up with some things for you to do. This way it is very pleasant for her to hear, not critical.

Wow. Thank you so much, Dr. Lurie. That's extremely helpful. Okay, good. And please get back to me anytime and let me know how things are going.

My number, 1-800-375-2872. Please join the growing number of listeners who have signed up for the Dr. Laura family. It's free. You get priority access to things like my Call of the Day podcast and my design store, which features jewelry, glass, and knitted items I personally design and handcraft myself. You also get our newsletter, The Daily Dose, and lots more.

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