Wake Up and Smell the Coffee
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Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Lauren, welcome to the program.

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you. You're welcome. What can I help you with?

Okay. I have been with my wife for about 15 years. This is in regard to a very close friend of hers who's been a very good friend of hers for even longer than we've been together. The three of us have actually had what I thought was a very good friendship. And I think there's a situation that I guess I just kind of want to see if...

I would like to somehow tactfully salvage something that has come up. This friend of hers... Okay, I'm just going to make it as brief as possible. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't make it brief. Make it clear. Take your time. Okay, okay, okay. The friend...

In my opinion, I guess, is very clingy. There's been for quite a while daily calls, daily calls that are not just calls, they're more like sessions, it seems like, but just...

last for, say, anywhere from 30 minutes or so. And it's, you know, it often comes at a time when, say, we're having, you know, dinner or trying to watch a movie. And my wife's

doesn't have really good phone management in my opinion just kind of picks up whenever you know whoever whenever no matter what and we've you know kind of had to you know deal with that just trying to have some better phone management but I don't okay break take a break has nothing to do with phone management she doesn't give a shit how you feel she likes the feeling of taking care of that woman

This is worse than bad phone management. This is not giving a shit about how you feel.

Yeah, in a lot of ways, she's kind of this way, just, you know, like just kind of like with the wind a lot of times with whatever and not thinking about, you know, it's that that is an issue. Just, you know, the consideration. I'm sorry about your choice, but that's not something you're going to get her to change. That's the woman you chose to marry. Yeah.

Right. Right. I had a conversation with the friend. I felt like, you know, I wanted to address this. And I said, I feel like you're using my wife, your therapy. Yeah. She got very offended. What did she say to that? What did she say to that? Well, yeah.

I'm trying to remember the conversation exactly how it went because I just remember... Okay, then take a breath. Be quiet. Be quiet. Take a breath and go back in your memory because it's important to know how she handled you saying, you're using my wife for therapy. You're interfering in our relationship. What did she do with that? She was offended. Defensive.

So she was not willing to take any responsibility for her behavior because she didn't give a shit about you either. And she knew that your wife didn't give a shit about you and that she had priority with your wife. This is worse than you thought. Yes.

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than similar brands. That's because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings on to you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Yeah. To make it worse, my wife got mad at me. I'm not surprised. I could have told you their relationship will be there long after your historical vision.

I think you're in the wrong place with the wrong person. And you know, that's true. You don't need me for that. Are you sure this is? Well, I don't need to question you. You can question me. Of course you should question me. Of course you should. But this isn't the first. This is not the only description of your wife. Are you actually legally married to her?

Yes. Okay. This is not the only instance of your wife that you could use to prove me right. Right. Then you're in the wrong place with the wrong person. And all I can tell you is don't waste life. You don't get the time back because you made a mistake. Well...

I mean, I know nobody's perfect. What does not being perfect have to do with anything? That is a cop-out, a bullshit cop-out for not wanting to face realities and make changes. Nobody's perfect. What does that even mean? If somebody's bad, they're bad. We don't excuse it by saying, well, I know they're bad, but nobody's perfect. That means you're willing to take abuse and disrespect. So far, you've been doing that for many years.

Everybody thinks abuse is when you beat on somebody. No, this is worse. What would have been an appropriate way to handle this, do you think, for her to do? Just, I guess, manage, you know, just, yeah, respect. We're having dinner. I'll answer the question. You'll go to your wife, tell her exactly what I said. She'll blame it on you, say I'm a piece of shit, and call the girlfriend. I'll tell you exactly what will happen. She's not interested in changing.

Because the first time you would have said, hey, sweetheart, we're eating dinner. You can call her like, oh, you're right. I'm sorry. What was I thinking? Let me turn the phone off. That's somebody who loves you. Yeah. Instead of saying now she doesn't feel comfortable to call here in the evening. Good. You know, but your wife is pissed. But your wife is pissed.

Yeah, I actually said, you know, I blame you for this. I mean, this is your lack of phone management that this girl should. It's not phone management. Boy, why don't you try to sterilize a little more so you don't have to think you made a decision in this marriage. You made a mistake. Let's call it something benign. Call phone management. Then it's not personal. Then I don't have to deal with what I'm doing with my life.

We can take a class in phone management. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here he is. Me? If I had my will, if I could control the universe, which I'm not doing, but I'd say, I would tell you to go home to your wife tonight and say...

I don't think I want to live together much more with somebody who doesn't give a shit about me, who's defensive all the time when I talk about a hurt feeling or something I would like that is totally reasonable, who's somebody who's abusive with that, blames me for stuff. I don't know that I want to stay married like that. I don't know whether that's my dream of how a marriage should work. And then you can list the 10 other things that I know you could bring up to show her lack of real caring for you.

So I don't know which one of your parents was very difficult, but you worked too hard in a bad situation. That usually has something to do with early childhood development.

Yeah, actually, we were actually broken up for two years, many years ago, and I was wrecked. I mean, I tried to move on and everything, and I knew that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship, and I stepped away. How old are you? How old are you? How old are you? I'm 68.

58. 58. Okay. At what age do you think you'll start getting infirm with diseases and arthritis and stupid stuff? At what age do you think you're going to start really feeling that stuff? Give me a number. Oh, probably maybe, I don't know, what, 80s, late 70s? I mean, I don't feel anything. So 80. Okay. Yeah. So you have 22 years and you want to waste them here?

And then be too sick to move on to anything? And you're being very optimistic of not feeling aches or pains or have problems till you're 80. That's not very typical. Yeah. Do you understand what I'm saying? You knew those two years, you knew it was wrong, but you were too lazy to do something else. You took the easy way out and went back with her. And this is the price you pay.

I thought after two years, you know, your brain kind of forgets about someone and just, you know, I guess a lot of people do, but I was struggling with it very badly. Only because they're too lazy to move on and do something and be uncomfortable. Yeah. Not that their brains can't. Ma'am, you didn't try anything. If you had called me then, I could have helped you. Yeah. Okay. Regarding this, regarding this,

Friend quote, I guess. I don't know. I'm done. I'm done. I don't know. I'm done. All right. There's nothing more I can do for you. You keep thinking it's phone management. That way you can just continue to be miserable. I know it's deeper than that. Yes. Okay. Okay. So why don't you just go home tonight and say, I thought it was phone management, but you're just abusive and discounting of me.

That's what it is. It's not phone management. You're discounting me and being abusive to me. We broke up for two years for a good reason, and I was too lazy and too weak to make a life. You're not going to do this, but I just threw that in. But don't do that unless you're willing to pack your bag. Right. Seriously, don't do that unless you're willing to pack your bag, because she will just get defensive and hostile, because that's what that personality does. Yeah, I guess

I get stuck with feeling like I need to be understood or something or else there's no voice. She doesn't give a shit to understand. That's done by somebody who cares. Good point. You're missing the whole point here. Let's go back.

Let's go back to phone mismanagement. You're better at that. Yeah, I mean, it's just all terrible. That would have been easier. But I guess this is a pretty common theme with people. They'll be like, this happens. Oh, but they're so generous with this or, you know, I don't know. I have a partner, you know, or whatever. I know. Okay. Okay.

Relationships are very difficult. And that's why I wrote the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. One of the things I put on the back cover is you should wake up every morning, look to the, before you pee or brush your teeth, look at your spouse and think about what you could do to make them happy they're alive and married to you. There's not one day she wakes up and does that. Oh, she has verbalized that. That's a verbalized, not the same thing as doing, is it?

No. Oh, wow. Tell me you disagree with anything I'm saying. If you disagree, tell me. You speak the truth. I know that. You speak the truth. No BS. Well, then why don't you live it? Live the truth. Yeah. I don't have to define, you know, what's my reality by what other people, you know, irrationally are thinking or creating or whatever. Yeah.

I have no idea what you just said. It sounded pithy. Yeah. I don't have to define my reality. I know. You don't have to define reality. All you have to do is open your eyelids. My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to.

There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.

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