I Choose…Loving Better with Jillian Turecki
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John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

The quarterback series.

My co-host Brian Murphy, Athletes First CEO, and I are sitting down with the agents who have negotiated contracts for Justin Herbert, Deshaun Watson, Dak Prescott, Tua Tugnavailoa, and Jordan Love. Listen to Athletes First Family Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One.

I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story.

You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us.

Guys, today my guest is someone I think we're all going to learn a lot from. Her social media is incredibly insightful and I'm so excited I get to connect with her today and pick her brain. She's a certified relationship coach, a teacher, and the host of the Jillian on Love podcast. Her book, It Begins With You, The Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life,

is out now. Please welcome Jillian Turecki to the podcast. Hello. I'm so excited to meet you and speak to you. Thank you for coming on today. Oh my God. Thank you for having me. Okay. I have a question right out of the gate. How does someone become a certified relationship coach?

Oh, man. Well, I mean, I literally did it out of just this was like what I was meant to do. I taught yoga for many years, like almost 20 years. So I was helping people with their relationship with themselves for many years. And I also worked with went to people's homes and worked with families and couples and.

So I was always in the world of like mind, body wellness, but personal development was not because we're talking, this is like 20 years ago. And then when I started to transition into relationship coaching, we're talking 2014. This is like before it was like a thing on Instagram. This is before there was therapy, of course, but this is well before it all became very popular. But I, I,

Went through a very difficult time. I had a very short marriage that ended terribly and was very sad. And it all happened at the same time that I was having a miscarriage and my mom was dying of cancer. So everything happened at once. And when that happened, I became obsessed with marriage.

The question, what makes a relationship work? Like, why am I in this position? Because being in the position of getting a divorce at the age that I was at didn't was in complete contradiction to how I identified. I thought I was like this evolved person. Why is this happening? And I, you know, I'm a child of a psychiatrist.

And I'd been in therapy, you know, I'm a Jewish New Yorker. So like therapy is like very normal for us. So in other words, like a lot of people are in therapy now, but therapy was sort of a thing of the 70s and 80s and 90s with New Yorkers long before that. So when my ex now ex-husband and I went to couples therapy, it was really bad.

And I'm not putting it down as a whole, but we went to a couple and it was not helpful at all. And I thought there has to be another way. And I discovered that there is another way. And so my original intention was to become certified to work with couples to help them in a way that we were not being helped.

And then working with couples is not for the faint of heart. It's very difficult. And then I really wanted to work with people through heartbreak because I felt like I pulled myself took it was a long time out of such a deep hole and and had to confront so many demons within myself.

that I really wanted to help people with heartbreak. And then I was like, wow, all these singles are flocking to me, like how to start dating. So my practice expanded out of just couples, but that is sort of a sort of condensed story of the origin story of how one becomes a relationship coach. It sounds like you learned so much through your trials and it's a way of

sort of almost paying it forward to other people that are going through similar things. Like what you learned, sharing those messages. That's so powerful. I think that's how we all learn.

Yeah, I'm really just sort of a teacher at heart. And so if I learn something and really integrate into my life, I immediately want to teach it in some way. Right. Share it. Yeah, I want to share it. I want to help in any way that I can once I fully understand it. And so, yeah, that's been sort of my journey. I think that we're similar in that way.

My mom probably always wanted to be a therapist. We had so many self-help books and it was just, you know, part of our family dynamic. It sounds very similar. I love how vulnerable you are. And you were talking before about in 2014 when your life was falling apart and you learned that awful news about your mom and you had that miscarriage. And if I'm not mistaken, it was the same day.

Yeah. Your now ex-husband came to you and said that he didn't want to be married any longer. Yeah. And he didn't actually come to me. He sent in a text. He just said, yeah, I'm not a fan of this guy already.

I know. I know. It's not, it's not an easy story to tell. And I don't, I would imagine it's not an easy story for him to think about. But no, it was, it was a pretty, it was like everything that like you should not do when you break up with someone. Right. Happened, you know. How about read the room, bud? Yeah, exactly. It's all about timing. Okay. Well, 11 years later now. Yeah. How did you get

through that and what would you say to that past version of Jillian? Yeah. How did I get through that? With a lot of help. I leaned on my sister's

It was heartbreaking because typically my mom would be the person who I would lean into and lean on the most, but she was limited in being able to support me fully. And I didn't want to burden her. I leaned on friends. In the beginning, I was in therapy twice a week. That's when I actually started working with a coach and

I was introduced to Tony Robbins and actually his work was really the catalyst for me. That's kind of changed everything. But and I, and I continue to teach yoga because it's really important to do things that get you out of your head. And so, you know, showing and to maintain as much as you possibly can, some routine, some normalcy.

But it was sad. And it was a dark time and also...

What I also did was because I became so obsessed with what makes a relationship work and I was obsessed with trying to get myself to feel better and to survive, I worked on myself. I just dove right into all of that. So what would I tell that version of me? And I sort of alluded to this in my book, which is,

You feel like you're dying right now, but actually you're being reborn. And that sounds kind of corny, but it really is very true. It is true. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's you you feel like you're dying right now. But I promise you that your your life is taking a different direction and it's OK. And it's actually the direction that you need to be on. And I would just reassure her. You knew in the thick of it that even though this hurts like hell, this is the best thing for me. Knew that I was inspired by what it was that I was learning.

And it was giving my life some sort of meaning. So the meaning didn't take away the pain, but it did help me get up in the morning. And then obviously it gets easier, right? As time goes on, it actually gets easier. But yeah, it gave my life, it gave me some purpose. And I think that's really, that's a big motivator for people.

Absolutely. A reason to get up in the morning, something to be curious about and want to spend some energy investigating. I mean, I've definitely been there. I mean, I know pretty much all of us have been what we call at our lowest or darkest times. And you're right. It's important to have something to investigate.

look forward to or believe in or something that is feeding us. Oh my God. It's, it's the only thing it's, I mean, I, and I've worked with a lot of people who were in a sort of a deep emotional hole. And so much of it is if I can get this person to,

something to find something to look forward to, or even every morning, something to listen to that inspires them. That is what everyone needs. Yeah, I'm so stubborn. I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure. That's for everybody else. Not for me right now. I'm just miserable and I'm in this dark place and I just want to be left alone. So I had to go through that period and kind of honor that

And let that be for a while until I was ready. Like you, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. So,

People have to be ready to receive just a little opening, even just a little insight. Absolutely. Absolutely. I, you know, even though I can look back at that time and understand its purpose, it's not like I don't romanticize it in any way. And I don't try to romanticize it for anyone. Like there were some really dark times and, and I definitely had moments where I was just closed off to just anything and

making me feel better for sure. Yeah. I think that there's so much talk about how to come out of those situations and, and there's so many lessons and tips and tricks people offer for us to feel better, but sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel bad. Yeah, for sure. We have to let ourselves feel bad. And I mean, this is, it's an interesting, it's an interesting conversation that has a lot of nuance. It's, it's, and, and,

When where do we draw the line when someone is still just in it and not moving forward and still stuck in that sort of traumatic state? Where do we kind of draw that line? Right. Because there's always a lesson and it's not something that you want to tell the person when they're in the acute stage of that grief. Like that's not the time to talk about the lesson. Right.

But there is also a lesson. And in time, hopefully that person will feel that and see that. You mention in your book that is out now, everybody, you should run to the computer and buy it or to the bookstore. We still even have bookstores. I don't even know. But you say that we cannot heal our love lives without healing the relationship we have with ourselves. Every relationship we have had is

has had one thing in common, us. So explain to our listeners, if we don't accept this commonality, what will continue to happen in our relationships?

We'll continue to repeat patterns. And that's just the bottom line. Look, the fact that that every relationship we ever had has had one thing in common. And that's us does not mean that we are the problem, because I know that's like a very that's a very, you know, zeitgeisty like phrase right now or that, you know, it's we're to blame. It's that.

You can't change if you have to be the change that you want to see in your love life. And you have certain beliefs and certain conditioning and you have your own unique childhood and you have your unique way in which you see the world and you are a human being. And so by definition, you have thoughts that are very messy and very disempowering.

And we are not taught this in school. And if you're lucky, you had great parents who taught you a lot of things. But guess what? And this is where it's a huge mystery. I've known people who have who've had great childhoods.

And they don't necessarily make the best choices in relationships and partners. Now, a great childhood helps, but nothing is a guarantee. And so if we're not able, you know, this is like, why is this happening to me? Why is this happening? What's going on?

And it's just, okay, you've reached the point where there needs to be some necessary self-examination. And maybe that's how you feel about yourself, your self-esteem. Maybe you're haunted by a past relationship. Maybe you're haunted by something in your past.

And chances are you just are not that skilled with in certain areas of relating because we're not taught this. And so you just don't have the tools. That's it. Yeah. I mean, I had a great childhood. Pretty great. Yeah. As childhoods go. And I had great parents that tried to teach me I could do anything. But the one thing that I always struggled with in my life was being in a relationship with.

Like the, just the day to day and how to get in and out of like conflict with a partner, how to not lose myself, how to, I didn't know anything. And all these conversations that we're having now, I'm so, so happy that they're going on because I have three daughters that I'm raising and I want them to have more than I had in this area for sure. Yeah.

What did you learn about yourself in terms of what works for you in relationship and what doesn't work? Well, I certainly learned that I need to be able to express my feelings or to have a voice in a relationship. It's been a long time and one that I did not feel seen or heard. And that was just slowly killing me. Yeah. And just setting a terrible example for my kids. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. And the thing is, sometimes you don't see until you've been through it where you can grow and learn. You have to sometimes just feel it, get through it, go through it, and come out on the other side with your jewels of wisdom. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back.

This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing.

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women...

hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.

Hey, you guys, I'm Catherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500.

Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career.

We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports.

Everyone's forgotten who runs this valley. Time to remind them. Yellowstone fans, get ready to dive into the Yellowstone universe like never before. Our family legacy is this ranch. And I'll protect it with my life. Hosted by Bobby Bones, the official Yellowstone podcast takes you behind the scenes of the franchise that's redefined the modern Western. Ah!

From exclusive cast interviews and untold behind-the-scenes stories to deep dives into the themes and cultural impact of Yellowstone, Bobby brings you closer than ever to the Dutton family's epic saga. You know, the first Duttons to settle this valley fighting was all they knew.

Whether you're a devoted fan or discovering Yellowstone for the first time, this is your ultimate guide to the franchise. I look forward to it. Don't miss the premiere of the official Yellowstone podcast on January 23rd. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's go to work. Can we talk a moment about attachment styles in relationships? Sure.

Explain to my listeners what the different attachment styles, because everybody's talking about attachment styles. I know. I'm not a fan of how popular they've become, but yes, I'll talk about it. Why aren't you a fan, first of all? Well, I am a fan of it as a tool to help you understand yourself in relationships, but I am not of the school of thought that everything boils down to your attachment style.

Right. And like, if you label it, it's going to make everything better. Yeah. Or, and I, and also people self, you know, I have anxious attachment. No, you like, you can't have it, you know, like it's not a cold. You, you know, you, you know, you can't like have anxious attachment. You maybe struggle with some anxious attachment issues because of childhood, but that can change. Yeah.

depending on who you're in a relationship with that can change depending. There's so much context. So, so if you're anxiously attached typically, and the way that it's explained doesn't totally resonate with me. Typically, if you are anxiously attached, you had a parent, right?

who was maybe not as reliably there for you and your needs. For me, I would have leaned anxiously attached because my father had a very, very complicated relationship with my father. So that made me more attached to my mom. So I would have a lot of separation anxiety from my mom.

People who are avoidant, typically what happens is when they're growing up, there might be a lot of enmeshment. So they're, they're,

Their parent, maybe they had a parent who parentified them. Maybe they were raised. Maybe it was a boy raised by a single mother and the single mother, instead of actually being in romantic relationships, you just always she she made her son, her father, her husband in that weird way, because this happens.

This really does happen. And then that little boy grows up to not want anyone to need them because they've had that mother who's always needed them. And that never felt good. And that never feels good. No. And then in some avoidance, you know, some people

People are just wired for more independence. You know, that was the ethos of the family system. It was like, you don't need anyone. You need yourself. And then other people are more wired for togetherness. It's like, you don't know. It's not you need other people. And so that might show up.

as a conflict in a relationship because that person is wanting more togetherness and the other person's wanting more autonomy. So it's not to set the record straight. I think attachment theory is brilliant in its own right, but there's nuance and the nuance is not described enough.

And there's also nuance in the sense that, you know, historically more men are avoidant and more women will be anxiously attached. So why does that happen? Well, because in general, and I want to say it's in general, women have historically tended to they have valued connection and love.

and higher than men and men have valued achievement higher than that. And so, um,

In a relationship, if you're speaking heteronormatively between a man and a woman, you'll have the woman wanting to actually have more connection and the man wanting to have more of his freedom to pursue his purpose. Things are changing now as gender roles are changing. But but but still there is the, you know, women, we are biologically wired for more connection and love than the men. And that's just that's the role of estrogen in our bodies versus testosterone. Right.

So I think that gender plays a role in all of it as well. There's also context. You could be someone could actually be have a high degree of anxiety in a relationship and separation anxiety because of they were mistreated or abandoned or betrayed in a past relationship. Or maybe they're going through something in their life where work is not going well at all and they're really struggling in work.

And so when they get into a relationship and they put all their emotional stock in that relationship instead of nurturing other aspects of their life, so they may present as sort of chasing love from the avoidant. But either way, in a relationship, there's always this dance of intimacy of let's get close.

But let's also pull away because we're always trying to straddle this line between how much autonomy are we going to have in this relationship and how much togetherness? This is the sort of unspoken contract of relationship is how do we find something called interdependence?

Where it gets very, where it can get very messy is when one person is just really values the autonomy and has a hard time being needed. They have a hard time being present. They have a hard time with intimacy. And the other person who's so anxious

and then never feels like they can really lean on themselves. So they feel extra needy in a relationship, particularly if someone's pulling away. There's so many different nuances. And so what's important for the listener and for anyone who's thinking about this is how has...

How has that played out for you in your life? What are some of the patterns that you have seen? What is your relationship with freedom? What is your relationship with togetherness? Do you prefer more togetherness? Were you, did you, do you have a lot of abandonment in your life? And therefore you need someone to be in a relationship where there is more togetherness. How threatened are you by, by having to meet someone's emotional needs?

These are the things that we need to heal in ourselves because for a relationship to work, both people need to be highly invested in meeting each other's emotional needs while at the same time capable of meeting their own. And it's a process. Yeah. It's hard for me to even wrap my head around attachment styles and labeling myself one versus another. I feel like I'm all of them. Yes. Right. Because it's not a fix. And I've been all of them at some point and transitioned or grown through certain ones. Yeah.

to make life better and to make a relationship feel stronger. Yes. So I feel like this whole labeling of attachment styles for me has never felt right. Yeah. And that makes sense. Yeah. I heard you say also that the top three reasons in a relationship, when a relationship fails are stress, taking each other for granted and resentment. Yes.

Those are high. Yes, yes, yes. I have them all. I think people are so afraid to have those hard conversations because we're afraid to hurt someone or have that tough conversation with your partner. How –

How do we do that? Yeah. A lot of people don't have the tough conversations because they're afraid of not being good enough for the person. They're afraid that if they express this vulnerability, this need, that the other person's going to reject them. Like so many, pretty much all the things that we do in a relationship where we're dancing around intimacy or we're not having the hard conversations is because we are trying to protect ourselves from losing love. Hmm.

At the end of the day, you peel away the onion, you get to the core, and that's really what it is. And that's what I want people to understand. It is always a fear that you are not going to be loved, that you're not going to be good enough for someone. So how do we have the hard conversations? There's certain principles that we need to follow in order to make communication effective and artful because it really is sort of an art thing.

One is leading with love. And so what do I mean by that? You have to remember that the person you're speaking to is not a monster. They're not your enemy. If you really, really see them as your enemy, if you really, truly see them as the monster, you need to get out of that relationship fast. But if you can kind of slow down your body and your breath a little bit and recognize they're not a monster,

So you have to lead with love. And that means you don't make you statements. You make I and we statements because the moment you go into you, you're going into blame. And the moment you're going into blame, you've lost the battle. Like it's there. It's done. It's, it's, it's a wrap. They're not listening anymore. Yeah. It's like before it even gets started, it's over. So, so you have to do that and lead with compassion and with love and respect and

and have some sort of heartfelt understanding for the pain that your partner is in, even if it was not your intention. A hard conversation also has to be

led with some sort of vulnerability and directness. Like sometimes the hard conversation is we've been seeing each other, we're on the fifth date and it's time, you know, we should talk about sex, even though people don't talk about sex. People avoid that conversation. People are much more comfortable getting naked and exchanging fluids with one another than they are talking about their needs. And then what happens is a lot of people get into trouble. They get attached to someone who's not attached to them.

They have sex. It's not even that good, but they're doing it because they think that they should do it. This is more something that women feel. Right. You talk a lot about how we should wait. Yes. Well, I think there's no I don't believe in any hard, fast rules. You know, I think it's deeply personal. But what I do believe is have the conversation. If you attach yourself.

After having sex with someone who you actually like, which is about 95% of women, especially, you know, it's really is. I think for women, it decreases a little bit with menopause just because with estrogen going down, what happens is that not as much oxytocin is released. And then women, when they're, when they're transitioning into menopause and beyond women tend to become much more self-sufficient, a lot more independent, right?

But that said, I've worked with women who are well past menopause years who get attached. So I think, you know, again, nuance. So if you're someone who gets attached after you have sex with someone, so many women will bullshit themselves and just say, yeah, you know, I can do it, whatever. It's OK.

And what ends up happening for countless women is that they have sex. They don't actually even enjoy the sex that much. Or even if they do, let's say they do. Well, guess what? They want more, but they don't just want more sex. They want more of the person.

Whereas for a man, for a lot of men, not all, certainly not all, but for a lot of men, if he's not, if he doesn't have a strong emotional connection to you, he can go back for good sex without it being anything more than that to him. And so wherever you fall on the spectrum, however you identify with this, protect yourself emotionally. And isn't there value in doing that?

Yeah. So it's not so much. Yeah, there's so much value there. Just protect yourself. Protect your heart.

Protect your heart. Protect your heart. That's it. It doesn't mean you have to be guarded. No, no, no. Or unavailable. No. Or avoidant or whatever. No, no, no. In fact, if you're guarded, you're not going to get many people to be that interested in you. You'll get the occasional one who likes the challenge and wants to kind of break down your walls, but eventually he or she will get bored with that. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back.

This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing.

and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride, full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeartWomen sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-I-S-T-I-A-L-L-E-N

Hey, you guys. I'm Katherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500.

Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people who've supported me throughout my career.

We'll be getting into everything from karting to NASCAR, even Formula One. Whether you dream about being a pro athlete or an astronaut, we're talking about what it takes to make it. Listen to Throttle Therapy with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Everyone's forgotten who runs this valley.

Time to remind them. Yellowstone fans, get ready to dive into the Yellowstone universe like never before. Our family legacy is this ranch. And I'll protect it with my life. Hosted by Bobby Bones, the official Yellowstone podcast takes you behind the scenes of the franchise that's redefined the modern Western. Ah!

From exclusive cast interviews and untold behind-the-scenes stories to deep dives into the themes and cultural impact of Yellowstone, Bobby brings you closer than ever to the Dutton family's epic saga. You know, the first Duttons to settle this valley fighting was all they knew.

Whether you're a devoted fan or discovering Yellowstone for the first time, this is your ultimate guide to the franchise. I look forward to it. Don't miss the premiere of the official Yellowstone podcast on January 23rd. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's go to work. What if you're the kind of person in a relationship where words are the key?

Yeah.

What if you're the person that ruminates that on those – the bad things that they heard and they just can't stop thinking about them for days or weeks? And it's like it can kind of just create this environment where not only you but your partner is walking around on eggshells and you – how do you solve the conflict? Yeah. But also not constantly like keep –

reliving it, re-saying it, re-hearing it in your mind. Okay, so this is a really great question. Can you give me an example? And I'm gonna break it down for you. Let me see. And we can make up an example. Yeah, like say in an argument. No, this is good. This is very vulnerable for me. Okay, in an argument that I had recently with Dave,

He said something that pissed me off and hurt my feelings. He said, oh, now that you have a self-help podcast, you know everything or something like that. And I was like, ouch, no, that's not why I'm saying the things I'm saying. But like when someone sort of belittles you or takes what is important to you and makes it something negative. Okay. So who's Dave in your life? My husband. Okay. Okay.

So what do you think was going on for him in that moment? Let's take this in stages. Let's lead with love. Let's lead with love and let's go in stages. What do you think was happening for him in that moment in his body? If you were to put yourself, literally, if you could step into his body, into his nervous system, into his entire physiology, literally,

The moments that led up to him saying that to you, what do you think he was experiencing in his body? Well, I know that he works now on not fleeing, not taking flight. Okay. So I know that he was in that place of between being defensive about something and wanting to just get the hell out of there. He was kind of torn. Okay.

trying to figure that out in his own mind. And I think words were just coming out to deflect or defend himself. Okay. And how do you think that state, how do you think that manifested in his body? Was he tense? Was he sweating? Was he nervous? Do you think his heart rate was elevated or do you think his heart rate was normal? No, I think he was, yeah, in a tense and

And unsure, just felt like upset. Yeah, very unsure. So you said something very important. He felt very uncertain. What do you think he was uncertain of? I think maybe he would fear that I'm outgrowing him or I don't have a place for him in my life in some way. Yes.

So in that moment, he was uncertain of his importance to you, his significance to you. He was uncertain of your love in that moment.

Not saying that you did that. We're just trying to get into his nervous system and what he was experiencing. So in that moment of, do I fight? Do I flee? Oh my God, I'm trying to work on not fleeing. So I'm going to be here right now. I'm really used to fleeing. Fleeing is how I, how I go into my cave and I protect myself, but here I have to stay and I'm totally ill equipped. I don't have the skills yet to actually communicate and,

And I feel not enough right now, but I don't know that consciously, but my heart rate is going up. My blood pressure is going up because right now the saber tooth tiger is the fact that I might not be good enough. I might lose love. I'm not going to be the man that I need, that I need to be. And so I'm going to say something totally immature and totally inappropriate. And exactly because I,

I am so freaking scared. That does not excuse it. It's still like an immature thing to say. But your original question is, how do you stop ruminating about it? You're ruminating about it because you're giving it a meaning. He doesn't care. He belittles everything like that. What I'm trying to point out is that is the humanity behind that statement.

And so it doesn't mean that it doesn't need to be addressed or it's not doesn't hurt or doesn't sting, but you can stop ruminating about it because the meaning that you give him, give to what he said can now change to, oh, I understand more of why he said that. And it's, and, and that might give you your, your, your mind a little bit of freedom. Does it? It does. It really does. I think that's so important to sort of,

maybe not in the heat of the moment, but afterwards to take yourself aside and get quiet and think about like, why, what is he feeling that made him say that? But even in the moment, what you can practice doing is saying, let's take a deep breath. I love you. I know you're probably really fucking scared right now. I am too. I'm really frustrated too. I don't like what you said, but I love you. I'm not going anywhere.

I obviously don't know your marriage, but this is just an example of, you know, how can we get to the core of it and how can we do it faster? How can we do it actually in the moment? Yeah, I think that for me starts with like a deep breath. Always like a major deep breath. OK, yeah. Take a moment. It's a time out. Yeah. Mm hmm.

Even if it only lasts for a few seconds. Yes. And then when you start to think about it this way, it creates empathy because then you're like, oh, right. This person didn't actually mean to be like, yeah, stupid, immature thing for him to say. It was just his seven year old coming out because he felt so afraid.

And maybe a corner. Yeah, he felt backed into a corner. He felt afraid. And yes, as as a married couple, you want to be working towards making sure that the inner teenager and inner child comes out less and less. Right. But if we can have compassion for each other in those moments.

then you can have compassion and understanding for him. And then he can be like, you know what? Because by him feeling seen in that way, the goal would be like, you know what? I wish I didn't say that. I'm sorry. And that's really the process of repair. And so that's what I mean by you're not really, it's not about seeing the monster, but can you see where they could be coming from? And so that stops the rumination.

It's so easy for people to get caught up in their own stresses and their own lives. I know I'm guilty of this. Yeah. We get very self-consumed. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I hate that about, I hate that as a characteristic of myself. I don't ever want to be self-consumed, but sometimes it happens. Yes. I'm being honest.

That can lead to disconnection from your partner. Yes. My therapist always taught me it's circle, square, circle. There are two circles, the two people in the relationship, and then there's that square in the middle where we're feeding that square. We're putting good things, energies into that square and we're creating that space that is just ours together. Yeah. Yeah.

But sometimes my circle gets so big and loud and busy that I can disconnect. I can start just trudging ahead, you know, full steam ahead. How important is it for people to somehow maintain their own identity in a relationship?

but also remember to feed that square, that middle space. You know, it's an interesting thing. A lot of times when people say, I want, you know, I don't want to lose myself in the relationship. I want to know the story around that because sometimes, sometimes it's very legitimate. Oh, I lose myself in the relationship, but I want to know what that means to someone.

Like, what does it mean to you personally to lose yourself in a relationship? And then what's your story around that? Because a lot of times we'll, we'll sort of like, we'll be, we'll have this internal battle. We'll be at war with ourselves. Like, oh my God, I want to be available, but I also want time for myself. I want to be available. I want time for myself.

And then we think we get resentful towards our partner when really it's the battle that we're facing, that we're, that we're battling with ourselves. It's a story that we have about autonomy and losing ourselves in a relationship. And we think that the other person or the relationship is the threat when really the threat is our belief system around it. So that's different. If I was working with someone,

who was highly codependent. And what I mean by that is that in their relationships, they abandon everything about themselves and only focus on their partner. They really, they don't talk about their needs. They don't, it's, it's, it's, it can be quite severe, but,

We're always trying to figure out, again, that balance between autonomy and being with the other person. But whenever I say whenever I hear people say I'm afraid of losing myself, I always get curious about the story around that, because I wonder if there's a little bit of story that needs to be sort of readjusted and looked at a different way. So when you're in that moment. So this is where like the self-awareness piece comes in. So when you're in that moment, it's like you take the deep breath.

That's a moment to like have a seat, take a chill and just be like, OK, what what am I like? What's my deal right now? Why am I why am I spinning right now? What's the story that I have? What's the fear that I have? What's the worry that I have? And so that's how that's literally how you do it. And it's and it's just getting really practiced at.

When you're in that state, and sometimes you just have to sit down and be like, what do I need right now? Because maybe you need a hug. Maybe what you actually need is more connection. Or maybe what you need is a bath. Or I don't know. But checking in with yourself when you're kind of like in that moment. Like what are the thoughts? Because feelings are faster than thoughts. You have...

have to kind of sit down. You got to slow down and then you can just ask yourself like, what's going on with me right now? Why am I spinning right now? I think that's such a good thing. A good takeaway for people is to check in with themselves and ask themselves what they need. It's the self-awareness. Yeah. It's the self-awareness for sure. You said before about codependency. I heard this morning in a conversation,

Interdependency. Yeah. Please tell me the difference. Sure. Because I, for a long time, have said, yeah, I'm codependent and I'm proud of it. Like, I have no problem with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel like it's damaging, but I'm intrigued by this concept of interdependency. Okay. What is it? So interdependency is just sort of the dance between I need me and I need you. And I

You know, codependency gets this really bad rap and everyone's like, oh, you're you're codependent. Like we need each other. We need each other and we need to depend on each other. True codependency is really, again, it's more I'm going to abandon myself and only focus on you. Right. We see that a lot in relationships where there's addiction and alcoholism.

It's I'm just going to focus on you and your sobriety or I'm just focusing on you getting sober and I'm not even thinking about what I need and what I want and what makes me happy. And codependency is also when it can go left, right? When it can go astray is when two people are making each other responsible for their happiness. And so neediness is,

which is not the same thing as having needs. Neediness starts to prevail in that relationship. And neediness prevails when it's like, when you think and you rely on your partner to fulfill you, when really fulfillment is an inside job. Hopefully you're in a relationship with someone. When I say you, I just mean everyone. You get into a relationship with someone who makes your life better, right?

You know, who supports you, who, you know, it's not always going to be your go through hard times. But at the end of the day, you're like, overall, my life is better because we're in each other's lives. But a lot of people, they get into relationships with this thing, this idea that if I'm with the right person, I'm always going to be happy. Or, you know, why isn't this person making me happy when really it's the relationship that we...

The goal, the whole essence behind strengthening the relationship with ourselves is really learning how to find meaning and fulfillment inside and in life without having to outsource it constantly. That's really the essence of working on oneself.

And so interdependence, again, it's a dance, but I realize I'm responsible for my own happiness. I have needs that I need to be able to meet for myself. And and I'm also a social animal and we are in partnership and I need to rely on you. Eric Fromm said it best and I'm butchering it a little bit, but I'll get the gist.

The person who is mature in love is the person who needs the person because they love them. Doesn't love the person because they need them. That I need a minute with. Yeah, I think it's you kind of have to let that settle in. I love the person because I need them or I need a person. Wait, what? Ideally, you want to need them.

your husband because you love him, because you choose him. So you need him versus you love him and you choose him because you need him. Right. You want the first. I want the first. The second one sounds like an unhealthy attachment. It's neediness. And it usually speaks to, okay, well, let's talk about your life and how you can meet your own needs and not just have someone in your life because you feel like,

If you don't have someone in your life, you're no one, you know? So there's a lot to really unpack in that statement alone, but I think it really defines the essence of it all. And it's so wild how throughout your timeline of life, you could have all these different relationships and experiences and each of them can be different, right?

Like just depending on the dance within the relationship. Oh yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And we're different people in different relationships. Yeah. I think that's so important for people to acknowledge and recognize about themselves. Like,

We grow every single day like we're learning and changing all the time and so just because we Maybe had a terrible experience or we weren't our best selves in one situation Relationship it doesn't mean that's how we are in all relationships, right? exactly because

Because a relationship is a dynamic between two or more people. And so we're these two separate entities that come together and form this thing that we share between us, which is our relationship and how we interact with each other. It changes. It depends on who you're in a relationship. That's why some people you can be in a relationship.

And all your attachment issues come up with that person. And then they're with someone else. And it's really barely coming up. That's because who you choose matters. Who you choose matters. Who you choose matters.

John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

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Everyone's forgotten who runs this valley. Time to remind them. Yellowstone fans, get ready to dive into the Yellowstone universe like never before. Our family legacy is this ranch. And I'll protect it with my life. Hosted by Bobby Bones, the official Yellowstone podcast takes you behind the scenes of the franchise that's redefined the modern Western.

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Whether you're a devoted fan or discovering Yellowstone for the first time, this is your ultimate guide to the franchise. I look forward to it. Don't miss the premiere of the official Yellowstone podcast on January 23rd. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's go to work.

Okay. So let's talk about like red flags. Let's do it. Say you're looking for a partner. I learned when after my divorce and before I started dating, when I was in that phase of like, oh, I don't want to start dating. I'll

I'll just be alone forever. I'm good. Yeah, I know that feeling. My therapist was like, let's talk about your non-negotiables. What are the things that are most important to you? And really clarify what you want and what you don't want. What are the subtle red flags that we shouldn't be ignoring when we're looking for a partner? Like we can go inside and reflect and talk about our, think about our non-negotiables and what we want and what we don't want. But what are red flags that,

Like neon red flags, like no matter what. Well, there's the obvious, like abusive. Yes. Right. Verbally, physically. Right. Addiction, those kinds of things. Yes, yes. But what are the secondary red flags? Sure. The orange flags. So the secondary red flags are they bad mouth their exes without ever taking any accountability. So that's a big one. Yes. Some red flags are...

This is also age and stage of life dependent. But let's say you're over the age of 30. They don't have their life together. They haven't figured out any sort of purpose in life. And they could be still sort of figuring that out. But after a certain age, you want to make sure that someone has some financial stability. You want to make sure that they have just some stability. I think that's very important.

A red flag is also that they, I mean, there's just like how they treat the waiter, how they treat others, how they treat themselves. That's a big one. Oh, I always watch how they treat.

the waiter or the waitress. Yeah. Because you're looking for people with strong character and, and our work is to try to develop our own character. So, um, how they treat others, their words and their actions, are they aligning or their actions never really matching their words? Are they consistent with you or are they totally inconsistent where you feel like you just don't know where, how this person feels about you one minute they're,

They're really hot with you. Hot and cold. That's a huge, huge red flag and warrants. Yeah. Here's the thing. These secondary red flags warrant a conversation.

hey, I noticed that this is happening. What's up? Or this is, I noticed this is happening or I noticed you said something to your mother the other day that wasn't just so nice. And I'm just curious, I'd love to know a little bit more about what that relationship is like. So sometimes it's not about immediately writing the person off, but just opening up for conversation and then seeing what it is that they have to say about it. Other red flags are,

They, I mean, believe it or not, you don't share, if you're looking for like long-term partnership, you don't share the same values. Yeah. That's a red flag. That's an indication that you should not be pursuing a relationship with them. And then here's another thing that people don't pay enough attention to.

How do you feel when you're with this person? Do you feel comfortable sharing an opinion? Do you feel comfortable being yourself? Yes. It's so important. It's very important. I think, again, it's just about asking yourself these questions and listening.

For the real answers about how you're feeling. Yeah. And not trying to sugarcoat or make things, you know, rainbows and ponies. Yes. Because you want something so badly. Yes. It's not going to change. It's not going to change. And I don't think that anyone should be seeing anyone for more than three months without a label.

you don't think anybody should be seeing anybody for more than three months without a label. Yeah. What are, what are we, what are we working towards something? Are we monogamous? Like, what are we, are we, what's going on? Don't, don't let it stay in the gray area, but a lot of people's particularly women will let it stay in the gray area because they're afraid and they, they, you know, they don't want to say anything, but don't three months.

months you should know if you don't know after three months particularly if it's you know some people there's a very slow start there's travel there's kids you're not spending time but if you're spending consistent time with someone for three months and you don't know there's your answer there's your answer whether you want to listen to it or not yeah I also think you know another red flag is you're spending consistent time together and there's no there's no integration of you into their life you're not meeting their friends you're

You're not meeting their family. Your relationship only exists in a bubble with them. You got to be very careful that that doesn't happen because you can't know a person unless you know their world. Can't truly, really, truly learn about another person without seeing them interact with their friends, with your friends, family, like anyone can be cool when you exist in a bubble. Absolutely. Yeah.

You got to look outside the bubble. You have to. Yeah. Okay. So I have a friend who is in the throes of a breakup. Her boyfriend of eight years ghosted her as his way of ending their relationship. Ghosted her. What do you do? How do you? There's no closure. How do you move forward from that? Are there things that she should be doing to help herself while she's healing from this trauma? Like, yeah, definitely.

So let me ask you this. What? How lucky is she to be rid of this guy?

I don't know. I didn't know him. Oh, you didn't know him. This is before we met. Okay. But I mean, was it a difficult relationship after eight years? I'm pretty sure it's a good thing that this is happening. Yeah. I mean, it's never a good thing, obviously to, to get broken up with in that way. And it's very, very traumatizing, but what she needs to remember is that I would imagine that leading up to that things could not be very easy. Maybe she didn't,

acknowledge that or see that or want to see that. Yes. But she, but that's part of the healing process is to be able to, to, to acknowledge that. And that one thing, and I, this isn't going to take all her pain away, but I think this is an important thing to realize when a person goes, especially if they're ghosting a relationship versus like a dating scenario, which is so much more serious, they're only going to be haunted by their own ghost, which is their conscience.

I really believe that none of us get away with anything in life. No. And we may seem like we do in the immediate. In the moment. In the moment, in the immediate. But we never really do because that's going to weigh heavily on his conscience or he's just going to bring that terrible immaturity to his next relationship and have more relationship pain.

So he's not going to get away with it. And that's not going to take away her pain, but maybe it'll take, it'll ease the suffering a little bit for her that he's not, he's not scot-free from this. And I would also be very, if I were speaking to her, I'd be very curious to know, like what, what were the events and the things leading up to this ghosting scenario? How, how bad was it?

And if it was bad for one or the other, why wasn't in a conversation, you know? Because he couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle it. And we don't know. We don't know what was going on between the two of them. We don't know what would happen when he tried to talk to her. We don't know what really goes on behind closed doors in a person's relationship.

So true. But it's more about him than anything else, unless, you know, unless there are scenarios where that happens because every time you try to talk to the person, they start kicking and screaming quite literally. But more often than not, it's, you know, it's the person is not ghosting because they're trying to get themselves out of an unsafe situation. They're ghosting because because of their own.

Character defects. Right. They don't know how to handle it. Yeah. They can't, they're too, too afraid. Too mature. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's so many, so much I could talk to you. I want to have you back with my husband on. Oh, that would be so much fun. It's, it must be, feel really good to be able to help people on the level that you do.

Yeah, you know, I try. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm human. So sometimes I feel like, you know, maybe I'm not helping out, you know, like you get into your head about stuff like that. But I do the best that I can. And it does feel good when I am able to make any kind of impact. So for sure. Before I let you go, Jillian, what was your last I choose me moment? Oh, yeah.

You know, I think it was it was a very kind of like tempered. I choose me. It wasn't like a stand on the top of the mountain. Like I choose me kind of moment. Those moments exist. OK, those moments exist. Yeah, those moments exist. And I'm and I'm all I'm here for them. It was more like a quiet one of just I just kind of had been in an emotional rut and couldn't figure it like just feeling very easily triggered emotionally.

and not relationally, just with life and just, I guess, stress. And I think the I choose me moment was, you know what? Like you're going back to your routine of meditation and yoga and you're not going to shorten it. You're actually going to elongate it because this has gotten, it's getting to the place of unmanageability. And so it's time to actually put the focus, use the tools that you have in your tool belt and,

and get back out to the things that are really important and everything else will have to wait. And that was an I choose me moment. My most recent one. That's a pretty big one. It is a pretty big one. Yeah. I guess it's bigger than I thought. So necessary. Yeah. So good. So good. I wish you every best thing and congratulations so much on your book. Thank you. I appreciate it so much. It was so nice to meet you and to talk with you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Okay. She was so good. I could literally listen to her for hours and talk with her. Even though I've learned so much, I just feel like there's so much more I could learn. We are going to have to get her back on the podcast in the future because I still have like a million more questions that I want to ask her and I want...

my hub to sit here with me and talk to her. Is that weird? That'll be wild. Okay. As we continue to choose ourselves each week, I want you this week to take a look at maybe what your attachment style is. We talked about it today. I kind of feel like I'm all of the attachment styles mixed into one and that's okay. It doesn't matter if you're married, divorced, single, widowed,

Take a 10-minute quiz online and figure out what your attachment style is. Then you'll know. And like we said today, it doesn't mean that's how it's always going to be. It might be specific to just this relationship or just these lessons that you need to be focusing on learning right now. When we take the time to know more about what we need in a relationship or why we respond the way we do,

it can lead us to making better choices for ourselves in the future. Thanks for listening to I Choose Me. You can check out all our social links in our show notes and go leave us a review on whatever platform you're on. Make sure to use the hashtag I Choose Me. I will be right here next week. I hope you choose to be here too.

John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

The quarterback series.

My co-host Brian Murphy, Athletes First CEO, and I are sitting down with the agents who have negotiated contracts for Justin Herbert, Deshaun Watson, Dak Prescott, Tua Tugnavailoa, and Jordan Love. Listen to Athletes First Family Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One.

I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story.

And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers. So that's why we created The Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts, to give you the context you need to make sense of it all. Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters. You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine. A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC. Follow The Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.