3 Common Scripts That Control Your Life And Your English Ep 804
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Let's do a psychological topic for today. We haven't done one for a while. I make podcasts about lots of different topics and I do lots of research because often I'm learning about these topics just as you are. It's part of why I enjoy doing Adept English because I learn about things that are new to me too.

But today, let's cover something that's closer to home for me. Later this year, I will have been a psychotherapist for over 25 years. That makes me feel old. But I guess you could say I have expertise in that. I'm pretty good at understanding human psychology. So today's podcast, let's combine an interesting article that I read last week with some of my knowledge from my training. I

and my practice. Have you ever heard the term unconscious script?

And do you realise you may be living life in accordance with rules and beliefs that you're not fully aware of? Well, that's the case for most of us. So today, let's talk about unconscious scripts which rule our lives so you might become more aware of them. You'll get lots of great English language listening today, some wonderful vocabulary, but also a really interesting topic.

a subject that you might want to read about even in your own language. Hello, I'm Hilary and you're listening to Adept English. We will help you to speak English fluently. All you have to do is listen. So start listening now and find out how it works.

Just a reminder before I start that of the really excellent English language courses which are available on our website at adeptenglish.com. If you want to go further, rather than just listening to podcasts...

There is structured learning in our courses. The two most popular courses, the most common 500 words in English. It's a listen and learn course, and it will make sure that you have all the essential English vocabulary. Useful when you're starting out, if the podcasts are difficult to understand, but also useful if you're starting to speak English.

Our other most popular course is New Activate Your Listening. This course includes a lot of English conversation, words and phrases on three very common topics in conversation that are universal, which concern everyone. So if you want to develop your English conversation and your capacity to understand it,

New Activate Your Listening will be a great course for you. They're sitting waiting for you on our website, adeptenglish.com, on the courses page. You can download them and start those courses immediately. So back to today's topic. This week, I read an article by Anne-Laure Lecombe on cognitive scripts in the magazine The

The Big Think. The article is called The Three Cognitive Scripts That Subtly Rule Our Lives, published 4th of March 2025. Very recent then. Vocabulary here, cognitive scripts.

That's C-O-G-N-I-T-I-V-E. Cognitive is an adjective and it just means thinking. And the noun to go with that is cognition. Cognitive and cognition are the words that scientists and psychologists use to talk about our thinking and the idea of a script.

S-C-R-I-P-T. Well, here that comes from psychology. But the original meaning, if you write a play, P-L-A-Y, for theatre or television, then you would create a script. That means you'd write what the people in your play, your drama, are going to say. That's called a script. So actors, A-C-T-O-R, have to learn their lines, learn their words in order to be able to act.

And these would come from the script. So what we are saying about this other psychological use of the word script is that we're all programmed differently. Our brains work differently. We think differently. And that people's behaviour and thinking operate according to their script. Now, I use the word unconscious.

That just means we're not aware of it. The word used by the neuroscientists and Laura Kampff is cognitive. It means pretty much the same thing, except I guess I'm saying we're not always aware of our scripts. They're unconscious much of the time. So as a psychotherapist, I guess you could say that one of the main parts of my job

when working with someone, is to help them uncover their cognitive or unconscious scripts.

Just because something is your script, your usual way of behaving, doesn't mean that you recognise that it's often unconscious or partly unconscious. And it doesn't mean that it's the best way to be. You may realise that you're different from other people in particular ways in your habits, in your decisions and your thinking styles.

style, but you may not have uncovered your central script. Our scripts mean that we operate pretty much like characters in a play much of the time. We have certain ways of thinking and behaving. The reason why I personally prefer watching a series rather than a film, in a series, I

There might be 20 episodes. That's opportunity to really develop a character much more fully than there's time to in a film. If a series is well written, it will make its characters feel like real people because they act true to themselves.

true to script. So they have scripts in both senses of the word. The actor has learned their words from a script, but the writer has made the character in the series true to their psychological script.

It makes them believable, just the same as in a good novel, a good book. So we each have our own personal and unique psychological script. And in the world, there are probably as many scripts as there are people.

Our unique scripts grow as we do and develop, and they take in the values, the beliefs of other people and the world around us. In the article I read, Anne-Laure Lecomte talks about three very common cognitive scripts that she's encountered and which don't really help people or which narrow the range of choices that people make.

She talks in the article about something she calls SQL script, S-E-Q-U-E-L, meaning that if we make choices in life, we must make those choices according to what we've already done. It must follow on from previous decisions. She says, we stick to careers we no longer enjoy, remain in relationships that no longer serve us, and avoid exploring opportunities

that seem inconsistent with who we have been. So I think this happens particularly in our jobs and careers. And there are good external reasons why that's so too. I must take a job in banking because that's what I've done up to now. And I like the salary.

I must take a job in teaching because that's all I've ever known and I've not done anything else. Often what's familiar and known to us can feel much safer, but it can mean we stay in a situation, a job, a relationship, a living arrangement, much longer than we should because actually it no longer suits us, but it is what we know. And Laura LeCamp goes on,

Another script that subtly governs our behaviour is the crowd pleaser script. Crowd, C-R-O-W-D, is a group of people. And pleaser, well, that means you're someone who pleases people. So the crowd pleaser script. The pressure to conform to social expectations is very powerful and it often masquerades as wisdom and prudence.

The word to masquerade, M-A-S-Q-U-E-R-A-D-E, means to pretend to be something you're not. In the UK, the phrase we often use for this is people pleaser. You're a people pleaser, we say. If someone's a people pleaser, it means they really, really care what other people think of them. They must be nice to other people at all times.

Even when they're angry or being taken advantage of, they'll just smile and carry on because they don't want anyone to think badly of them or not like them. Worrying what other people think can really hold you back in life. But this is an everyday experience for lots of people. Women in particular can have social influences which make them into people pleasers. As a woman, an extension of that

is believing that you are there only for the benefit of your parents, your husband, your children. Your identity is around being a daughter, a wife, a mother, and your efforts in life must only be to support these roles.

And it can feel wrong to do something for yourself or just because you want to. That's quite a common version of being a people pleaser that sometimes social systems and societies promote. But people pleasing is across all cultures and genders. You probably know someone like this.

this. The third common script that Anne-Laure Lecomte talks about, the epic script, that's E-P-I-C. This is the belief that people's lives should evolve around one main purpose. Often when we're young, we're trying to find the one thing that's meant for us to dedicate our lives to.

Anne-Laure Lecomfe cites research that suggests being too passionate about one thing means that we don't anticipate setbacks. We can be too idealistic and we get disillusioned and disappointed and some feel lost in life because they can't find their defining purpose at all. This can also happen when you've been pursuing a particular career. You reach your potential, you succeed and there's nowhere else to go. Maybe you retire.

What on earth to do next? You've achieved your goals. What meaning does life now have? This, I notice, happens quite a bit when the successful business person finally sells that company that they've spent years building. They make their money. But instead of enjoying themselves at home doing all the things they promised, they feel unhappy.

and it's a moment of awful crisis. Another typical one, you've spent 20 years bringing up your children. Then they leave home. Maybe they're in contact once a month. This probably means you've done a good job of helping them be independent. But this can leave parents without a role, feeling unhappy. The main purpose of their lives doesn't need their effort anymore. The truth is that most people across a lifetime need multiple purposes.

multiple goals. The meanings in our lives must evolve. As Anne-Laure Lecombe says, we are curious evolving beings with diverse interests. Embracing this fluidity can lead to a more fulfilling life. The

The scripts that Anne-Laure Le Comte points out are very common, but there are many, many more. A couple of examples from me, ones that I see, there's what I call the script of safety, S-A-F-E-T-Y. This is when a person is extremely anxious and scared to do things. Every change, every challenge in life is met with great anxiety. A person with this script is

cannot get onto the train on their own and go to London or the nearest big city. They may depend hugely on other people. Going to the gym may be a big deal. Or the idea of staying by themselves in a hotel room overnight. These things might be absolutely unthinkable.

They're just too anxious. For other people, even though they're perfectly able, their fears are around driving on the motorway or fast roads. It's just too anxiety provoking. What's happened usually here is that when this person was a child, someone really important in their lives portrayed the world out there as extremely dangerous and full of risk.

Normal adult things like going on holiday, travelling, riding the bike, getting a new job or doing things on your own, all have been portrayed as full of risk and probably not worth doing because of the risk. You're better staying home or close to home so that you're safe. That's how the unconscious script goes there. So the person with this script, set up usually in childhood and

and when they were a teenager operates according to a personal script, which is always about personal safety and reducing risk. I call this the script of safety because it's so common. One more common one. I have to be the best and I have to be 100% successful in everything.

And often with this script goes the idea that if I score 99% in something, I'm a failure. If I score 100% at something, that's okay. I can just move to the next thing and get on with something else. The person with this type of script does not celebrate success. Success is treated as just normal, what I should be doing anyway. And

Anything just less than 100% success is a failure. Something to criticize oneself for, something to be ashamed of. As you can imagine, it's very hard to live like that. There is constant inner criticism. What you

What human, what person achieves 100% success all the time? But that doesn't stop people with this type of cognitive script from trying. And often they achieve a great deal. They're often very successful, which sometimes makes the script worse because it may look as though that sought after perfection is just beyond reach. Just try a bit harder.

Those are just a couple of the myriad, M-Y-R-I-A-D, myriad of possible cognitive scripts that can govern a person's life. Scripting can, of course, come from parents, but also from experiences, dynamics within families. Things like, I must always be the peacemaker or

I must escape and never be tied down by any relationship because all relationships might be like these ones in my family. They're examples of scripts that come from family dynamics. Schools and education, that also has a lot of input, positive or negative, as do many religions. And the culture and the social order of the world that we grew up in, that determines a lot of our cognitive scripting as well.

Let me know whether you find these ideas interesting. Sometimes you can see them in yourself, but you can see them in other people too. Let me know also if you would like more psychology-based podcasts like this one. Enough for now. Have a lovely day. Speak to you again soon. Goodbye.