On Porn: How To Quit Relapsing
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All right, team, welcome back to the man talk show. Connor Beaton here. Today, we're gonna be talking about quitting porn, what to do when you relapse.

One of the things that I see with so many men, and this is my challenge as well, is that when you want to stop watching porn, it can take a long time. You can continue to relapse. It can bring up a whole bunch of shame and frustration. It can really be a big pain in the ass. And so today I'm going to talk about specific things that you can do when you feel the urge to relapse and when you do relapse.

and you fall back into that behavior pattern. If you're interested, I've created a free guide for you on how to quit porn that is very robust. It's in the description below, so you can just click the link below and you can check that out. It's free and it will guide you through how to quit porn. Okay, let's dive straight in. So the first thing that you want to do in all of this is reinforce the decision that you're making around why you want to quit porn. For

For me, it was about developing more self-respect.

building myself into someone that I admired because I felt completely out of control with porn. And maybe that's not the case for you. Maybe porn is just something that you're like, it's not that big of a deal. I use it once in a while. It's not that big of a problem, but I would like to stop using it because I want to have more energy or I want to bring more of my sexual energy into my relationship. Whatever your reason is, make that decision of why. You need to have some reasoning

behind it. And you need to reinforce that when the urge to relapse comes up, right? You need to reinforce your why when it comes up. And I think the cool thing is now the man that I've become today, and this isn't just because I quit porn, but it's because I dedicated myself

to becoming someone that I respected and admired. And the cool thing that I can acknowledge now is that the man that I was at 25 would really admire the man that I am today. Everything that I've built, everything that I've become, and one of those things for sure is the fact that I've quit pornography, the fact that I don't watch it anymore, the fact that I don't need it anymore.

That, I think, is a wonderful, wonderful thing that 25-year-old me, 18-year-old me would be like, holy crap, how in the hell did you do that? Because for me, it was a really big problem. It didn't matter if I was in a relationship or if I was single or if I was dating multiple women. I really just, I used porn all the time. And so when I went to quit it and when I went to stop it, it really was a massive challenge.

And there were periods of my life where I'm sure it helped because, you know, there was, and when I say helped, I mean, it allowed me to like deal with some of the crap that was going on in my life. But I didn't like that I used it. Mostly for me, and your reasons might be different for this, but I didn't like that I used it because I didn't feel as though I had a lot of say in whether or not I washed it.

And it was almost as though under certain circumstances, I had to go and watch it. And it really felt like this very addictive behavior that I just struggled to deal with. And in some of my relationships, I was a little bit more open about my usage of it and all that kind of stuff. But it still was just something that I didn't like who I was. I always felt drained the day after.

No pun intended. I'm sure there's some jokes in there for you guys. I'll let you fill in the blanks. But I always felt like low energy, pretty miserable the next day, kind of cranky. But that was also because my usage wasn't... I wasn't just like the guy that was going to go watch for five or six minutes. I would have...

like a long session and it would take up a lot of space. And then I would feel really crappy oftentimes the next day or throughout the day, depending on when I watched it. So make the decision about building self-respect, about becoming someone that you admire. Find your why, whatever your why is, and reinforce that when the urge to watch comes up again.

Number two is really understand what's driving your urges. Really understand what's driving your urges. And from what I've seen and the work that I've done with probably a couple thousand men now to quit porn, there are three very simple urges that drive a man's porn usage. And so these are the trigger points

that you need to be conscious of and paying attention to that are gonna help to remind you like, oh, I'm probably going to have some type of desire to watch porn now. Or these are the moments that you need to watch out for. So number one is boredom.

Anytime that you have sort of like idle hands, you're bored, you don't know what else to do. I find that a lot of men that are trying to quit porn, when boredom sets in, you have your computer, you've got your phone, and porn is just so easy to access. I mean, it's everywhere, right? Something like 30% of the internet is pornographic, which is insane.

Absolutely insane. I don't know whether that stat's true or not. I've heard a couple of people say that over the years and that is just insane. But boredom is going to be a big trigger point for most of you guys that are out there. And so you're going to need to keep that in mind. And for some of you, that boredom might be in the morning. It might be in the afternoon. It might be at night.

but really taking stock of like, what am I actually bored throughout the day? And is there something that I can implement to ensure that when I start to get bored, I have something else to do? Number two is repetition. It's a predictable porn and porn usage. Watching it is a predictable and repeatable habit that alters your mood or alters your state.

And for a lot of you guys that maybe struggle with routine, struggle with having habits, the brain, generally speaking, does like habits. It likes predictability.

So if you have a lot of instability in your life, then porn can be this thing where it feels like this very stable, routine, habitual thing that is predictable, that changes your internal mood, that changes your internal state, that gives you something to do. And because of that, the brain, for a number of reasons, and you get a big dopamine hit when you watch it,

and get off, the brain will prioritize that because again, it's repeatable, it's predictable, it knows that there's a safe outcome, feels good, yada, yada, yada. So you need to start to develop some better habits and routines and rituals that can support the lessening of your need for that predictable porn usage and behavior.

And then number three, the last one, which is the really, really big one that I see with so many men, is that when you're feeling something that you don't like or that you've deemed as a threat or just something that you don't want to experience, when you have an internal state that you don't like, a low state, you're lonely, you're depressed, you're anxious, you're angry, maybe there's been a conflict between you and your girlfriend or your wife.

It's in those moments where you feel something that you don't like, you're in a low state, that you're going to be very, very susceptible and having a big urge to watch porn. So those are the real three drivers. These are like the three horsemen that are really pushing forward the campaign to watch porn. So you have to be mindful of those three things. When are you bored?

Do you have other routines or rituals or habits that you can start to institute because your brain wants some predictability? And for a lot of the men that I've worked with, they just don't have a lot of consistent predictable routines that they use when, number three, they are feeling a low state. They're feeling something that they don't like or enjoy. So get very clear on those things.

And one of the things that I recommend to a lot of men is when the urge for porn comes up, that you set a timer, you pause, you stop, you literally interrupt the pattern. So you create a new, it's called a pattern interruption. You create a new pattern where you set a timer for five minutes and you

And you either, you know, on your notes on your phone or on a journal, you just write down like, what am I feeling or experiencing right now that I'm trying to get away from? Or what am I feeling or experiencing right now that I'm trying to move towards? Most of the time what you're going to find is, oh, I'm just freaking bored and I don't know what else to do. Or I'm feeling something I don't want to feel and I'm looking for a distraction from that. I'm looking to hit the reset button.

So in doing that, you create a interruption to this ritual and this pattern of I'm feeling something I don't like, I'm going to go watch porn or I don't know what else to do. And so I'm going to go to that reliable ritual and habit.

Number three is purpose over porn. The more purpose, the more meaning that you have in your life, the less you are going to have these constant urges to relapse and go back to watching porn. There's so many men that do not have a lot of mission in their life or they have a lot of responsibility in their life. And because of that, they're chronically stressed.

and then they chronically need something to release that stress, and porn has become that release valve. And so number three is you really have to start to build a bigger mission for yourself so that it brings some meaning to the sort of mundane, vapid nature of your life. When you lack meaning, when you lack purpose, when you lack an aim or a vision in your life, then you're going to turn towards things

that just help to give you some type of joy or pleasure. So you need to start to have things that you are working on and developing that add to who you want to become as a man, who you are trying to move towards

becoming as a man. This might be working out, getting into really great shape. It might be some type of art, whether, you know, like for me, I love photography. I picked up photography back in my 20s. And so sometimes when I'm just bored, I just pick up my camera and I go for a walk. And I just take some pictures of some things. And that for me is a really rewarding process.

I get to hone in my artistry, et cetera, et cetera. So you can pick up an art form. You could start working out. You could get your body in a good shape. You could start researching finances. You could learn how to play an instrument. You could learn how to speak a language. You could start your side business, like whatever it is, but you start to move on mission. You start to move on purpose. And the more you develop that, the less that there's going to be space for

for this kind of chronic, I'm bored, I don't know what else to do, I'm feeling something I don't want. You're actually going to infuse your life with more joy, more dopamine, more serotonin, and your life will actually just feel better. And so you'll have less need or urge to go and fix the state that you're in.

Number four, very, very, very important, redirect and replace. Redirect that energy that you're experiencing and replace the porn usage with something that is more generative. So porn usage for the most part, for most guys, is not a generative habit. It doesn't really add to your life. It

it usually is a subtractive experience over time, right? If you're in a relationship and you're constantly using porn and you're not getting your needs met in your relationship and you're not happy sexually, that porn is just a band-aid solution that's not actually helping you to solve the real problem in your life.

So you need to redirect that energy. So you might need to redirect some of your sexual energy back into your relationship. You might want to redirect some of that energy into a project that you're working on to fill the boredom that you have.

You need to replace the porn usage with something, whether it's meditation, whether it's breath work, whether it's a workout, whether it's calling up a buddy. You have to replace that ritual and that habit.

Whenever we have a slightly addictive or very addictive behavior, that behavioral pattern needs to be replaced with some other behavior that is functional and generative and contributes back to you. So what are you going to replace watching porn with? Are you going to replace it with more time with your friends? Are you going to replace it with

Your artwork, right? Painting, learning to sing. Are you going to replace it with learning to play the guitar or the piano? What are you replacing that time with? Are you replacing it with meditation? You have to replace that porn usage with something. What I usually like to recommend to men is because most guys are using porn to alter a low state,

it is very good for you to develop a practice of replacing porn with something that's going to help you deal with that low state that you're in. So for me, it was meditation and breathwork. And this sounds maybe silly or challenging, but every single time I wanted to watch porn, I would go meditate and I would do breathwork. And those are the things that I would do. And it was a way of getting me back into my body and replace that habit of

watching porn with something that was more generative for me. And then over time, I would text buddies, I would have a conversation with whoever I was in a relationship with. There was different things that I would replace it with, but the main thing that I would do was I replaced it with meditation and breath work. And that was my new ritual, my new habit. Every time that the urge came up to watch porn, I would just meditate or do some breath work. The last piece, number five,

is that you have to understand that porn is a pseudo-attachment.

And so the way that I'm going to frame this one is that there's no replacing addiction without relationship. There's no replacing an addictive behavior without some form of relationship. Because of the way that porn is structured, whether you're watching something on Pornhub or you've subscribed to an OnlyFans person, that is acting as a kind of pseudo relationship between you and that woman. And you're getting something even though it's very, very transactional.

If you're bored, there's some connection that happens. If you're feeling lonely, there's some connection that happens. If you're angry, depressed, sad, anxious, there's this pseudo relationship or attachment that takes place between you and whatever, the woman that you're watching on screen or the OnlyFans chick that sends you a video.

And it feels like you're getting something from a relationship that's not really there. And so part of what all people need to do when you feel the urge to relapse, when you maybe have relapsed, when you're trying to really quit porn, is that you need to double down on your relationships. Relationships are the antidote to addiction. Okay? Relationships are the antidote to addiction.

So if you are wanting to stop watching porn, one, you might benefit from having an accountability partner or two, a guy that's going through this with you. He's trying to quit porn and you're just fully transparent like, "F, shit, I relapsed again. I watched it last night and I didn't text you." Or, "In the moment, I really have a strong urge to watch porn right now.

and I could use a quick phone call. Those types of things are going to support you in building more robust relationships, which will decrease your desire for porn. The reality is the majority of you that are struggling with quitting porn, very, very likely that you don't have super robust relationships.

Maybe you've got some good friends, but your marriage or your intimate relationship is really struggling. Or the inverse of that, you have an okay marriage or a good marriage and a good relationship with your girlfriend or your wife, but you don't really have a lot of friends. And so you have this hyper-dependence on that one relationship. So as you develop more robust relationships, you will see a decrease in your urge and your desire to watch porn. And

And when you relapse, you want to be able to process that and talk about it with somebody of like, what was going on? Because we can't just go through this by ourselves. You need to go through this process, ideally with somebody, even if it's just like a buddy that you're texting and be like, man, I wanted to watch, but I didn't. Instead, I went and did my breath work and relapsed.

now I'm going to hit the gym to get some of the energy out of my body. I'm going to go for a run or a hike or whatever. And that can be very, very helpful. So don't forget to man it forward. Share this episode with somebody that you know is maybe dealing with this, struggling with this. Comment below on which part really hit home for you and stood out to you. And don't forget to share what you found to be supportive for you in quitting pornography. Until next week, Conor Beaton signing off.

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