Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Hello my beautiful people and welcome back to the moments podcast I haven't recorded an episode by myself in like two weeks three weeks almost and
I honestly couldn't tell you. I have absolutely no idea how it's August. My brain is just having a really hard time comprehending how fast the year is going. I remember when I was younger, summer would feel so long. Like it just felt like the longest thing in the whole entire world. And the older that I get, the faster time is going by. And every time I talk to someone old, like an old person, they tell me that it just keeps getting faster and faster and faster. And it's terrifying. I don't want life to always feel this fast.
January, to me, was yesterday. And I don't know. I'm just stressed out that the year is going by so fast. I looked at my bucket list and my things I wanted to accomplish this year list. And dude, I've accomplished almost none of them. And it's heavy on my heart. It's heavy in my mind because I just feel in the past years, I've been so successful and I've accomplished so much. I don't know. I'm just like...
overwhelmed, that it's going so fast, and I don't even know what I'm going to talk about this week. My life is all over the place, so I think I really just want to make this episode some life updates and just some lessons that I'm trying to learn and take in right now and use to really slow myself down because it's all moving very fast, and I think that that's the deep root problem right now in my brain. Everything is going so fast and so many things are happening, and I
Let me just tell you what's going on. Here's where we're at with the new house. I don't have an outline for this episode of any kind. I'm just sitting on my chair and I'm trying really hard not to think about how behind I am and everything that I need to do. I'm going to LA tomorrow. These are two trips I have coming up I'm so excited for and so grateful for. I just get really stressed out when I travel because I have a hard time getting things done and keeping my head screwed on straight when I travel.
And with social media being my job, even though I'm on vacation, technically I'm in a vacation destination. Not on vacation at all. These are both work trips actually. Anyways, besides the point, I'm leaving in the morning. I haven't packed. I haven't cleaned my house. I just haven't done much at all and I'm trying to do it and I'm taking it slow and being kind to myself and
But the most random things just keep happening to me and delaying me. And I don't know what God is trying to tell me besides just slow down. Where we're at with the new house with Mango, she is coming along just great. She is going to need a lot more work than we realized because buying a house that needs flipping is a much more daunting task in real life than I thought it was going to be in my head.
But it is so much fun. I've gone to spend so much time with my parents and with my best friend and do things that I never knew how to do and I've always wanted to learn how to do. I'm learning to use tools and how to paint a wall and how to decide on furniture. And I'm just really starting to learn these things that I thought only adults could do. And it's just this bittersweet thing because it's making me realize that I am one of those adults now. And these are things that I need to learn how to do and learn.
It's just weird. It's just so weird thinking about how I'm going to be 23 by the time this year is over and somehow it's already August. I don't know. 23 scares me. 22 scared me. 21 scared me. I'm just scared of growing up. But I don't know why I'm thinking so much about that right now. That wasn't really even thought in my head until I started recording. I actually just had to pause this. I recorded two minutes and then I had to pause it and like take a really deep breath because...
My brain can't think about anything podcast related right now. All I'm thinking of is just that I'm on this overdrive of all the things that I need to do. And I know I'm being really repetitive with that, but it's just hard sometimes to manage my time. I'm not good at time management. I blame it on the ADHD. I have a severe case of time blindness and I'm
It's driving me crazy and I keep looking in the mirror and I'm also in one of those phases where every time I look in the mirror, I just hate what I see and it is taking everything in my power to change that and to be kind to myself and I'm just dumping all of this on you to once again remind you that everything that you feel is normal. Everything that you go through is going to be a wave. You're going to have good weeks, bad weeks, weeks where you love yourself, weeks where you hate yourself and...
Right now, I'm not even in a sad point. Like, I'm feeling really good and I've been enjoying my life. And I don't know. I'm just not in, like, a deep, dark place right now. But I am in a deep, dark place with how I feel about myself physically, which is very frustrating. I don't like this feeling. I'm trying to just ignore it and do things that do make me love myself. But with limited time, it is hard to do so. Like, making time for self-care is very difficult when...
You don't have time. And a lot of the reasons I don't have time are self-inflicted. It's because of me. But I don't know. I'm blind to time. I just want to do all the things and go all the places and be all the people and meet all the people and experience the world and spend time with my family at the same time as I go travel the world. You can't do it all. It's not possible to do it all. And...
It's something that I'm constantly teaching myself. Speaking of lessons and things that I'm teaching myself,
This has nothing to do with that, but I just recently went on my family vacation to North Carolina, and it was my first time bringing my boyfriend on a family vacation. We're going on almost like five months strong now, which is insane. Who would have thought? Not me. Not even a little bit did I think that I would be in this position bringing the boyfriend on family vacation. That's pretty legit. That to me is the first time I was like, oh, damn. Okay, I have a boyfriend. And it was so much fun. We had the best time ever together.
And I don't know. I'm also at that point where I'm in the relationship and I have to go through, and we've talked about this. We talked about this last week and the week before and the week before. I hope you guys enjoyed those episodes with my therapist because I did and I want to have her on as much as possible. I'm getting to the point where there's no hiding any part of me. If this is the person that I love and I'm going to love and they're going to love me at my worst and my best, I can't hide from that person. I can't hide that.
parts of myself that I don't like from them and that's just where I'm at and what I'm learning and it's so strange and it's something that's very I don't know it brings me stress I can't figure out why and I can't figure out how to turn down the stress it brings me these really high levels of stress but I know that the only way to get through them is to just get through it and to just keep
showing up a little bit more and not being afraid of who I am at my core and like loving myself at all times and even just saying this right now like I there's so many likes and ums and pauses in my words because it is so hard for me to do and it is even harder for me to put into words what this feeling feels like in a relationship and
Early on ish. I don't know if it's not even early on anymore, but just getting to the point in the relationship where it's not just all butterflies and sunshine and rainbows anymore the point in the relationship where you have to show every part of yourself and It just makes me feel funky and I think it's just been this weird thing in my year where This relationship has taken up a lot of my mental energy and in the best possible way like I know that I talk about this a lot and
I say it because this relationship means so much to me and I love Gabe so much and I want to be in this relationship so badly that I just know I have to keep working through these mental battles that I have because the battle is only within myself and it's tough too because I'll explain to people what I'm feeling sort of like what I'm feeling and why my relationship feels stressful because
They're like, oh, no. And I'm like, no, it has nothing to do with the relationship. My relationship with Gabe is absolutely perfect. It has everything to do with me being terrified to accept myself and...
I just don't know if it's something that anyone relates to, but it's something that's been on my mind and I'm probably going to continue to rant about it until I've worked through it and then at that point I'll rant about it, but in a lighter way and just share with you how I got through it because I know that I will and I already am and I'm making so much progress and I don't know how to shut the fuck up. I'm sorry for my language. I am in a weird mental state right now where all I can think about is the future and I
The future is scary and none of my thoughts are working properly. What else did I want to talk about? There's so many podcasts I want to do coming up in the future. I want to obviously have more guests on. We've discussed that. I'm already working on some of those plans, which is very exciting. And still want to tell you guys about how alcohol affects your body. But while we're on the topic of alcohol, let me tell you about my three-week sober situation.
I've done two things. I didn't drink for about three weeks and then I was on family vacation and I had a seltzer and a beer because we went to a bunch of different breweries. I honestly don't want to count that because I didn't get drunk at any point on the trip. I just had a beer to try it at the brewery because my dad would have been so upset if I didn't enjoy it with him. But
It's made a big difference for me just like knowing that I'm not going to be drinking in the future. I don't know why I'm telling you guys I'm on this future wave way too much right now. I'm just thinking about the future. I haven't even gone on these two trips that I'm overwhelmed about and I'm already stressed about them and like how I'm going to feel after and yada yada yada.
Someone needs to take me to therapy. Like this is therapy. Usually talking on this podcast makes me feel less stressed. Like this is my form of therapy. But for some reason right now, I'm just feeling angry that nothing I'm saying is making sense or flowing properly or giving you guys advice. And two, I just am feeling more irritable by thinking about all the things that are wrong with me. And like even just me justifying myself.
That this podcast isn't flowing right and my words aren't working right is making me angry because I shouldn't be so upset with myself about that. I should know that I'm human. Guys, I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on. And I don't want to pause this because I want to just talk through it, breathe through it, make you feel less alone if it's something you've gone through or felt when the brain just doesn't shut up.
Yet no words can come together. Yeah. So three weeks over. And it was nice. It was really nice knowing that I wasn't going to be drinking in the future because I think I have like a fear that I'm going to feel like shit before I even feel like shit. And without drinking, I don't really feel that negativity. I felt less anxious overall. I felt happier overall. I've just felt more secure in myself and
especially working through some social settings where I normally would have a drink just to ease my mind a little bit and ease my social anxiety. It was really difficult the first night. I went to a freaking country concert where I used to love drinking at country concerts and I had to be sober. Not no reason. No one's forcing me to no one but myself. And I really had to work through the social anxiety through that one. Like how do I be social and fun and cool when
If I'm not drinking like I've always been the girl at the party who made everybody have fun and made everybody enjoy their night and force people to drink in the fun way like that was just who I was and not being that person is just a weird identity crisis personality issue thing that I'm working through.
And just teaching myself, reminding myself that I'm just as much fun and people still love to have me around even if I'm not drinking or starting all the drinking games or whatever it is. I can still be fun. And we'll deep dive more into that when I do get to the episode on the way that alcohol affects your body. Just because I think that I'll deep dive then. And hopefully at that point I'll have been sober for longer. I am going to...
Europe, which is going to be really cool. I'm going with Boho Pink. I don't know if any of you guys have been around long enough to know that I went last year with Anna and this company, Boho Pink. It's a small business. It's a mother-daughter owned company. I've loved their clothes forever. And when they invited me to go to Greece with them last year, I was...
so quickly on board. And same thing goes for this year. I'm just very excited to be repping a company that I love and sharing all about them while seeing somewhere that I've always wanted to see and go. And Meredith and Victoria, I'm sure you guys follow Victoria Paris, and you all know Mare, are coming with me and it's going to be so much fun. And somehow it creeped up on me so quick. This is why I think
It's also hitting me like a truck that it's August because we're going for 10 days, which doesn't sound like that long. But with all the commitments I have at home and the routine I've built at home, it does feel like a long time. And August is also always the month of the year where I have an extreme breakdown. And it's happened two years in a row now. I don't know why. Something about the end of summer, whatever it is, messes me up in the head. And...
I have just decided I'm not going to allow that to happen. I'm just taking all the precautions beforehand to not let myself build up such a heavy level of stress. And yeah, speaking of stress and my brain and the way that it is, I still want to tell you guys all about my brain scan. I learned so much and today I was supposed to... Guys, I can't even make up the stuff I'm about to tell you. Like I just can't even make up what my life is.
I was supposed to go get my labs today to go to my follow-up brain scan appointment that I had to reschedule from like months ago because I just forgot about it and life happened and it got heavy and it just got hard and small tasks are hard for me to do sometimes. Taking a deep breath. Take one with me. Let's inhale. Exhale. Let's do one more. I feel like I have just brought you guys along on the freaking roller coaster that my mind is right now. But I was supposed to go get my labs done today for my brain scan and...
There's a guy, okay, backtrack to yesterday. I'm filming a haul in my kitchen, just making a little TikTok like I always am. Some guy, muscle tank, older guy, tattoos, gray hair, looks a little scrappy, like I don't know, just not someone who would normally come to my door type beat, comes running up my driveway, knocks on my door, my whole body goes hot, I go into panic, and I think that I'm about to get kidnapped, killed, murdered. I don't know what was going on.
I was so scared. So scared. I dropped everything. I go to the door. I open the door because I'm home alone. I don't want to not open the door. I'd rather be like go outside to where I could scream if I needed to. It's just the way that I think. I get a little paranoid, but I'm also a very trusting person. I want to preface that. I walk outside and this guy is just trying to explain to me, talking very fast.
He got in a fight with his girlfriend and his phone is in my backyard. And I am just so confused on what he means and how it could have gotten there. But I don't even know what questions to ask. I just say, okay, let's go in my backyard. Meanwhile, this is happening and I'm thinking that I'm about to get kidnapped or someone is going to come in my house or my house is going to get broken into. I've just heard so many horror stories. And with the world that we live in,
I don't know who to trust, and I want to trust everyone. You just can't. So I'm scared at this point. And we're looking in my backyard. The guy can't find his phone. Whatever, whatever. He leaves. 30 minutes later, he comes back. Someone drops him off this time. Meanwhile, the first time he came just on foot, nothing in his hands, nothing at all. I don't know how he got there. No bike, no car, on foot. And second time, someone drops him off. He's like, oh, this is my friend. She works at Walgreens. And I was like, okay, what?
He shows me a screenshot of his Find My iPhone and how his brother sent him this screenshot and gave me his brother's number if I find the phone. We looked for another 30 minutes. I wouldn't believe this story if anyone told it to me, but I swear to you guys, this really happened. So we look for the phone.
He leaves again the second time. This point, I'm freaking out. I don't know what's going on. I'm just nervous. Like, I'm not understanding the story. This guy definitely has something going on. Like, a little bit just... Something's suspicious. Something's uncomfortable. I call my mom. I say, Mom, can you please come over? My boyfriend was at work. Lissette comes over too. And...
I tell them the whole story and they just they're confused they don't believe me so I end up deciding to call the brother to see if the story is legit and first he's just texting us screenshots of the find my iPhone and then he calls us back he must have been at work when we were first texting him and the guy is totally normal and he's like yeah the story is real like we don't know my brother's
My brother's gone kind of down the wrong path. Like we don't know exactly what happened to his phone. We just know that he lost it. He's like, he's a good guy. He just COVID happened and went down a bad path, but I really appreciate you guys for helping him find it, whatever. So now we still haven't heard the phone. We don't know. And we're like, can you ping it on find my iPhone? He's pinging it. He's pinging it. We're not hearing anything.
But then we hear this random old text tone. And I was like, what is that noise? And we heard it out front and we heard it out back. And looking back now, I still don't know where that noise came from because it wasn't the phone. It was like God saying, don't give up on this man. That's what I've convinced myself. And anyways, let's fast forward. Nothing happens that night. Mila sent my mom look around for probably an hour just trying to find it. But we have no idea where we're even looking. I don't
So the next morning, this morning actually, this is the day before I need to leave for basically what feels like two and a half weeks. And I'm a little stressed already about how many things I need to do in the day. And at 8 a.m., this guy comes banging on my door again.
And now I'm like, what the heck is going on? Why is he here again? I don't even brush my teeth. I get right out of bed. I go to the door and this time I'm a little bit, not snappier at all. I was still super nice. I was like, I just have a really busy day today. I have a lot going on at work right now, whatever. He's like, I know. I just really need to find my phone. I'm like, okay, I'm going to help you. So we taught, we, we text his brother, we tell him to ping it. And all of a sudden we start hearing the ping.
And I text Lisette to come over at this point because I don't want to be doing this alone with him, but I want to help him still. It's just such a tough little thing to, I don't know. I'm sorry if you guys don't even care about this story. I just thought about that. But anyways, there's a lesson at the end of it. Is there? I don't know.
So we hear this pinging and I'm texting Craig and Craig's pinging it and pinging it and pinging it and we're hearing it and we're hearing it. So we go into my neighbor's yard. We're searching through their yard and we're digging in their bushes and they weren't even home. It's so bad, but we didn't have a choice. And eventually I'm like, dude, I think it's on the other side of this fence. Like we need to go on the other side of this fence. And like basically this guy was just telling me that his girlfriend chucked it over, chucked it when they were in a fight. And I don't think he remembers the fight. They had left the bar, that kind of thing.
So I was like, listen, get in the back of my pickup truck. You're not getting in my car. I said it obviously nicer than that. But I put him in the back of the truck. We drove to the other side of the fence. I'm texting the brother and I'm saying, ping, ping, ping the phone. And the reason that this guy's phone was so important to him is because I don't think he has a place to live right now. And I think that his card is on his phone. And the whole thing was just... But he's pinging it. We go behind my house to like the other side of the plaza, the parking lot. And...
He's pinging it and we find it in the dirt. Like, and the guy starts crying and he's so thankful and I'm just so grateful that the guy found his phone. And the point of me telling you this whole story is that that was four hours out of my day that I've already just been a hot mess about. And I don't know why I get so stressed and overwhelmed over silly things. Like, everything is fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm just going to get things done as I get them done. And, geez, I don't know why I'm putting all this pressure on myself. And I do...
love doing these podcasts because sometimes they just get me in check and make me realize like it's fine it's it's only right now the only moment that I can be in is right now and I don't need to focus so much on what's ahead of me and I want you to know that too like if you ever find yourself in the headspace that I was just in as I recorded this whole headspace like a crazy person I don't even know if I sounded like a crazy person probably did but I
just talk through it and recognize that you are not in a moment that is a year from now. You are not two weeks from now. You are right here. And there are only so many things you can worry about right here and now. And there are only so many things that you can do right here and now. And I want you to just work really hard on keeping your mind right here and now. And
Just breathe. Okay, I just want to breathe and I think I'm going to play pickleball. Do I have time for it? Not really, but it makes me feel joy and it takes away my stress. And those are the things we need to do more of for ourselves. And I'm not going to ramble your ear off for this. It's already been 22 minutes of rambling your ear off. I don't know what the takeaway of this episode was. I don't know what I'm even going to title this episode, but...
It is what it is, and this is just me sharing where I'm at, and I'm going to warn you that if you are an Avid Moments listener, the next two episodes are probably going to be similar to this in the sense that I'm just a little bit of a stress ball. I haven't taken much time or energy to make the outlines that I want to make for each of these podcasts. I have just sat down and recorded them.
Which is real and it's human and I have no problem doing so. But eventually, I do want to keep this podcast a little bit more professional and share more facts and insights and knowledge. But you need both. You need the raw, the real, and the genuine mixed in with the... I'm a knowledgeable girl who studies my stuff and knows how to share it properly and wants to share it properly. And sometimes I just wish I would shut up. But I'm working on being nice to myself. So if you've stuck around, if you've listened...
Thank you so much for doing so. I appreciate every single one of you. And if you are feeling any of the things similar to what I feel in my brain or anything different or whatever it is that you're feeling at all, you're not alone. It's going to pass. And you just got to know that. Okay. I love you so much and wish me luck for these next couple of weeks. Mentally. It's going to be awesome. I'm excited.
Mindset is everything. I just have to shift my perspective. Okay. I love you guys so much and we will talk soon.