#489 - We Have A Bloody Mary Brunch
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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. Oh, oh, oh, ooh, ooh. You know how I'm triggered by pointing, so cut it the fuck out. This is the new studio, so you're looking at it now. It's very lovely. Frank, nice little Power Ranger you got there. So for people that watch the Patreon episode, they know that it was up for debate what I was going to be allowed to put up here because you-

Yeah. You brought a lot of toys. I did. Mostly toys. Yeah. But some stuff made it. So I think it's well representative of me and well representative of Hot Sauce.

Yeah, today you guys can go get this Bloody Mary hot sauce, okay? This is the second version of the hot sauce that me and Greg did. The first one was the Everything Bagel hot sauce, but this is a Bloody Mary hot sauce. And again, you guys, fucking listen. I'm not being a shill because you pay the bills. It is really good, and it does go on everything that I have consumed. I have not had it in a drink. Right. Because I don't know why you'd put that there, but...

But we're gonna put it in a Bloody Mary because we got Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! We're doing a brunch episode for the inaugur- inaugur- inaugur- Inauguration. Joey's really pumped. He's celebrating.

He's been celebrating the whole time. How do I say that word? Inaugural. Inaugural. Inaugural? Inaugural. But technically, if we want to be- I thought it was gear-al. Inaugural. Inaugural? Inaugural? I don't know, but look at these bloodies, baby. Look at that. I mean, you have the chicken tenders on yours. I obviously went with a really well-cooked hot dog. What's going on with the bun is my question. The bun. So, Greg, thank you for setting this up, Greg. I appreciate it. But when he heated up-

When he, when he, when he, when he,

When he went to heat up the hot dog, he also went and put the bun in the microwave. So it came out like Play-Doh. But it looks good, it is wet. I'm excited though. Can I get some of the- Ooh! And we have chicken! It's a proper brunch episode, ladies and gentlemen. You know, the boys like to do brunch one way, and that's- Oh my god, this chicken looks amazing. Out of control. And the hot sauce too. And the hottie sauce. This guy, he knows what he's doing. He does know what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. He's doing stuff. Although- Thank you so much.

One syrup? What am I? What are we doing? Rationing? Yeah. What are we? It's tough out there, Joey. I don't know. The trees. The trees. You know what I've always wanted to eat? I don't know. Rations.

Should we do a ration episode? A ration episode? You know how they have canned something? Canned peaches from the 50s or something? Yeah, I'd like to get my hands on some war food. You know what I mean? You've got to be careful, man. Some of that stuff... I mean, I think canned old-timey survival food is different than rations.

Like, rations you'll get, like, it'll be like buffalo chicken, but it's like pressed into a cake. That's what I mean, that's what I want to try. You want to do that? I think we can get rations. What are they called? MREs? Is that what they're called? Are you asking me? I, I, you seem to know a lot. And also, in your spare time, you and your boys eat a lot of shit, so I imagine you would know what a ration is. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Frank, cheers? Cheers? This smells delicious.

We're not gonna make it, dude. We're not long enough. Come on! Yeah. Come on. Cheers, brother. Cheers. And this has the hot sauce in it, right? Cheers, big ears. Yes, the hot sauce is in here. We made it with the Bloody Mary hot sauce. All right, here we go. That's not bad, dude. That's good. That's good. Right amount of spice. Yo, that's actually good. Right amount of spice with the hot sauce? It's actually good. It's actually good. Also, I'm gonna say this. I made it. Yeah. Like, I made the drink. It's not bad.

So, maybe all the ones that I've had in my life that I've hated is be- you're already on the hot dog. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. How many- Frankie, you are the most disgusting piece of bastard I've ever seen in my life. That's good! You're dipping a hot dog in the Bloody Mary? I mean, we're in Rome! We're not in Rome. We aren't anywhere close to Rome. We're closer to Rome. I'm gonna put my syrup on. Some other places. That's correct. This is good.

Can you get me one of those- actually I don't need it. Here we go. I'm just hearing Frankie chew in my ear. Is it bad? Is it miserable? There are people on the internet that love this shit. Yeah. People that have like big fat crab legs and they're like- Yeah dude. I have a theory- not a theory, but like- You've thought enough to establish a theory for mukbang? No, so like when it comes to food mukbangs, there's like very specific ones that each race does. Frank, what the fuck are you doing?

These are brand new desks. Frank has already gotten salt, pepper, and a tube of hot dog all over it. I've already wanted... Are you performing surgery over there, sir? Oh my god, this is disgusting. I've always wanted to try this. Ever since I saw that Asian guy doing it at a baseball game. He's using the hot dog as a straw, aren't you? Oh, I broke it. I need to play it like a flute. He's sucking the hell out of that. Did it work?

Yeah! That's good? That's pretty good! Ugh. No? Bad? Disgusting. Alright, I'm sorry. It looks gross. And there are a lot of people that are watching this that are like, "I'm tuning out already." Yeah. It's alright, but we're here, we're live, we're large. The boys, when we do brunch, we have one speed. And that's, "Let's do this." Let's- And that's, "Let's do this." Um... You're pretty good! I haven't been to a lun- I haven't been to brunch in a very long time. Oh, fell in again. What time do you think brunch is?

Well... Give me a range. When's it start? I say 10 to 2. Yeah. Because like- How hard is that Bloody Mary in 10 o'clock in the morning you think I'm going to brunch? I- I don't know if you- What's the earliest you've drank? I think we've done this together. We've drank at like 8 a.m. Yeah, when we were like fucking 17. It was sick, right? Wrong, 21. Yeah, oh- Yeah. Um...

Yeah, I don't see anything wrong with it. But like a morning drink, maybe it was the potential of alcoholism at the time. I think so. That hits way harder than an afternoon drink. My Irish roots were really coming through. Yeah, they were present and available. Yeah. I'm just, I think 10 to 2 is the perfect brunch time.

I was thinking like noon to 3. Noon is lunch. By definition, noon is lunch. By definition. Definition of lunch. But what's a brunch? It's breakfast lunch. It's in between breakfast and lunch. And lunch doesn't end at noon. I say breakfast. Here we go. Breakfast for anywhere from 7. It could even be earlier because people, you know, let's say 5 to 10 is breakfast. Bro, no way. If you wake up at 5 and eat, you're disgusting. That's insane.

No, people do that because they have to- That's bananas. I mean, people work early, so they have to. But like, delay it. Have coffee, and then eat like an hour later. No, no, no. Some people are on different rhythms than you. I understand that, but- Clearly not! Clearly not! Yeah, I- Too loud? I didn't realize you had headphones on. You're in for a world of hurt over there, sexy fuck. That Bloody Mary is beating the shit out of you. Oh god, it is! You got one sip in them, and it's already going crazy. I'll be honest.

This hot dog is doing a lot of work. Yeah, you like it? I've been on a health kick lately. Frank, you're drinking a Bloody Mary and sucking it through a hot dog. The health kick is over. The health kick is completely over.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's gone. I got hot dogs at the house too, so those are on fucking call right now. I'm telling you that. When you eat a hot dog, is it kind of like a waterfall? You're like, well, I need three. Yeah. Yeah. Like we have hot dogs. We only have four hot dogs at the house right now. Why do you know the inventory? How many hot dogs are available? Like why do you know that?

I just know. You know how many hot dogs on hand you have. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Well, I don't. How many hot dogs do you have on hand? Zero. Exactly. You know how many on hand. But if I had a package. That's the point. If I had a package, I wouldn't know how many were in there. Yes, you would. No, I wouldn't. Joey, if you bought a package of eight hot dogs, because that's a standard package, small package. See, I didn't know that. Yeah, you did. No. He knew that. Yeah. Standard package, small package. You see that, right? If you bought a package of eight and you had three, you'd be like, oh, so I probably have five left.

You know. Don't sit here and be high and mighty because you ran a fucking marathon and now you eat quinoa and you fucking- you like ancient grains and shit like that. You're a boy that loves hot dogs. You're a hot dog king. Don't ever let the world- Don't ever let the world change who you are in your heart. Who you are in your heart dictates everything about you. Your morals, your standards, the love that you show other people. And all of us. ALL of us.

are originally hot dog kings or queens or non-binary places of royal. I don't know. I don't know what the, you know, the, you know what I'm saying? Can you hear like the amount of bullshit that comes out? Like, do you, what do you, what does it register as? Like you're, you're making sense or do you know it's bullshit? Oftentimes I started a sentence and I want to see how long I can go until I just trip up. That actually makes a lot of sense. There's a lot of that going around. Anyway, I want to talk about yesterday.

Had one of the worst days of my life. Uh-oh. Like a funny worst day? Yeah, yeah. That was a little dramatic. I was going to say, God damn. But you know me. Pisces. Dramatic. Or sensitive? I don't know. Either way. Do me a favor. I did want to cry. Do me a favor. Yeah. Get the fuck out after that. Pisces dramatic? Apparently, that's it.

Yo, this is not bad. Yeah, it's kind of slap in the... The fucking Bloody Mary's not bad. I hate the... I'm going to tell you it's because of this, which it probably is. The sauce is amazing. Go get it. Heatness.com, by the way. Secret handshake food go. Two for two. Just want to throw that out there. Bangers. But yeah, yesterday, my dog woke me up at 6 a.m., and he never wakes me up. So when he woke me up, I was like, great, now he's got diet doodle cha-cha-cha, which it was true. Oh, the fun little name that your family gave, diarrhea. My mother, yes. Yeah.

By the way, this is the family that swears that none of them have IBS. Go ahead. Ooh. Gotta say, metal straws. Yeah, because this one almost just broke my front tooth just now. Your what? My front tooth. Oh, I thought you said fuck tooth. My fuck tooth. This is an episode, baby. Yeah, all right. Welcome!

To the new studio. That echoed. But he woke me up. So he's got... So I take him out. Sure enough, he's making espresso out there in the morning, right? God damn it, Joey. There's 90 other ways that you could say that. Yeah. So then we get back upstairs and I'm like...

Alright, I'm gonna take him to the office with me. So me and Greg came here and we had a lot of stuff to do. The dog is driving me crazy. As soon as we get here, he needs to go out. So I take him out immediately. More espresso. Alright? Please. Sing the song. Please. Exactly.

So then we come back in here, and he's being restless. He's going up to Greg. He's getting in my face and breathing and whatnot. And I'm like, oh, my God, just relax for a second. I go to the bathroom. As soon as I go to the bathroom, he throws up on the carpet. Nice. Smart dog. So there's that. Oh, he christened it. He christened it. You know how people, like when their friend gets a new car or something, they throw spare change on the floor or something like that? That's the dog's way of christening this new place. The Greeks do that shit, right? The Greeks love that. They tie dollars all over the place. Like, what is this? There's...

They're sometimes stupid. Say it. I'm Greek, I can say it, baby. And this espresso, vegetable espresso is killing me. I don't know what that meant, but God bless him. I can't have alcohol. I know, clearly. But anyway, we get in here, and he's freaking out, so he throws up on the carpet. I'm like, oh my God, here we go.

So I put him on the couch and I'm just like you know trying to make him relax a little bit This dude throws up like a fat man like a lot like throws up like boof Oh like bro when he throws up do you hear him heaving or is it just like a push? No, you hear ah Yeah, yeah, he does that all right. I'm about to eat. Yeah. Well the story doesn't get better Oh, um as far as eating goes

I don't know if he gets better in any other way. I was going to say, how would it get better at all? So he throws up like that. I'm like, fuck, now I got to take him. You mind shutting the fuck up? Are you forgetting that we're on a podcast? What the fuck is this, kid? Frank, you're not actually at brunch. Here we go. Shut up, Joey. Me shut up? Frank, you know what? Let's all wait until Frank's done cutting his fucking breakfast. How about that? I shut up hungry. Are you done? Pretty good. Yeah.

So, then, I'm like, I gotta take him to the vet. Frank, you shut the fuck up right now. I hate this kid. I absolutely hate you. Go ahead with your story about your dog. Oh, you know what? Forget the story. Let's just listen to you fucking eat. Let's just do that. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful story later about something super cool. Or we'll start rattling off names of directors no one's ever heard of. Let's do that. Luca Guadagnino. Okay.

You want me to keep going? No! Okay! I'd like you to stop. Drew Goddard. No. Matt Reeves. I meant stop eating and drinking. That's what I meant. Alright, alright. Hold on. One more. Onward. Wow, you're really... Cheat. What? I was going to say your cheeks touched in there. You saw that, right? Yeah. Alright, go ahead. So anyway, I go to the vet. I go to the vet. Can't find parking. I'm like, what the fuck? So I put it in a hydrant and I get into... Don't you dare eat that piece of chicken, Frank. Don't eat the fucking piece of chicken, alright?

This is like having children. You're pointing at no one. There's no one over there. All right, shut up, guys. I'm not going to tell a story if you're going to keep doing this. I know that you're having fun, but I'm going to come over there and put you in a chokehold. Okay, all right, all right. I'm serious now. I feel bad about your dog that might be dying. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, shit. Seriously? No. I don't know. He's not dying. That's scary. Yeah? Will that get you to shut up? Yeah. Then he is dead. How's that? I mean, listen, if this was a serious health concern for your dog, then I would have stopped playing around. Oh, you're playing?

Yeah. You're a piece of shit, dude. All right. No, seriously. One more outburst and I'm tearing the walls of this fucking studio down. I will throw all the money away. I don't think you'd do that. This was not cheap. I will throw the money away. All right. Go ahead. Seriously. So anyway, I get to the vet finally and I put my car in a hydrant. I take my dog out. I walk in.

And they take him in the back, and I tell them what's been going on and whatever. And then I come back out to the waiting room because they're like, we'll take him in the back. We'll give him meds or whatever. So I'm sitting in the waiting room, and two minutes go by, and then this girl comes out from the back with a laptop. Well, before I got there, they're like, here's what your bill's going to be.

Do you want to do the x-ray? If you want to do the x-ray, it's this. It was $1,700. With the x-ray? With an x-ray. I was like, you know what? I'll just look at him really hard, and then I'll figure it out. So I was like, I'm not doing the x-ray. You're the person with zero medical experience for humans, let alone animals. Correct. Yeah, okay. But then the bill was $800. I was like, what? I mean, you don't have pet insurance? I do, but it's still $800. With pet insurance, it was $800? No, I think you have to like...

Oh, it's like rebate? Yeah, that type of thing. I was going to say mail-in rebate, but that's completely wrong. I mean, that might be, technically. You mail in the check, and then they rebate you. Yeah. They'll bait you. They'll bait you. Yeah. Master re-baiters. Sorry, that was the... If you're going to produce this show, you can't cough. That was my bad. He's eating, he's coughing. That was my bad. Come on. This is serious. Yeah, be serious. The dog is fucking sick. The fucking dog is...

So I go out to the front, and the girl comes out with a laptop. Now I get super scared. That's scary. Because she sits down, and she goes, okay, so you're Charlie's dad? I was like, yep. And then she's like, okay, we just wanted to let you know. And I was like, bro, what the fuck is going on right now? That's fucking... That... So scared. 30 seconds must have felt like four minutes. I was like... He hasn't even been back there long, so I can't imagine there's anything too crazy going on. But she's like...

I just wanted to let you know that we're very big Basement Yard fans. And I was like, this fucking animal just scared the shit out of me. Oh, see, they should have ran with it. They should have ran with it. If I was her, I'm telling you, your dog has something crazy. And I'm just like, pranked. You've been pranked. Right. I'm a big Basement Yard fan. That's why you're not a doctor. Can you imagine this kid as a doctor? It's like, yo, your son died. It's like, what? No.

Nah, I'm fucking with that. He has a fever. Did you ever see... He looks like an idiot. Did you ever see... Oh, you've never seen Arrested Development. Anne, have you seen Arrested Development? I have not. The doctor that they consistently run into that just uses double entendres and they're all like, we don't know what the fuck this guy's trying to say. And they're like, well, I have some bad news. He's going to be all right. And I'm like, how's that bad news? He's like, because the left side of his body is all paralyzed. He's going to be all right. And they're like...

So she tells me they're big Basement Yard fans, and they're going to give me $500 off. I was like, what? You better. Insane. The name of this place? You better promote this shit like it's crack. It was the Long City Bond Vet. Shout out to them. Good for you. So then I'm like, okay, cool. Some sort of thing that worked out today. Take Charlie home. This is where it gets interesting.

Get him in the car. They give me all the pills and shit. I drive there, and then as soon as I get out of my car, he walks over to the first tree that he sees, lifts his leg like he's gonna pee, and starts firing out yellow diarrhea. God damn it, Joey. Right? No pee. Can I ask you a serious question? I'm not done. Okay. As the stream gets less and less, now he's just shitting on his own leg.

The one that's in the ground. So he's shitting on his leg, and I'm like, bro, this is so fucking disgusting, right? Yes? You picked the episode where there's food in front of us, enticing food, may I add, that I'm not allowed to eat, apparently, according to you, to tell this story? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. So I take him into the house real quick. He's grabbing the chicken. I'll be honest. I'm trying to find the right time. You can eat it. Just don't eat it here. Okay.

Fucking guy. Alright. So, I- NO NO NO! No forkin' knife! Look, I'm- Clangin' and bangin'! Look, I'm not clanging or banging. I'm doing this. There's no banging of clangs. I'm just, I'm like removing the meat. By the way, this is good lookin' chicken. Where'd we get this from? Sweet chick. Oh, never had it. Isn't that the place that Nas partially owned? Yeah. That's cool. Nas, come on the show? That would be extremely strange if Nas came on this show. That would be cool though.

We'll all wait. We'll wait for you. No, no, no. Onward. I'm not clanging or banging. So he's got shit all over his leg. So we go into the elevator and there's a woman who a woman gets in the elevator. I'm like, this is my worst nightmare now because the woman. What would you do? Are you throwing up? What's going on? I'm trying not to have the sound of my chewing in the mic. Great.

So we get into the elevator and the woman who gets in, she's like, oh, he's so cute. And I'm like, this woman only knew, right? Because his face turned around. Oh, he smells like shit in the elevator. Bro, the most dog shit you've ever smelled in your life.

Yo, she literally keeps checking her shoes. She thinks it's you. No, she thinks she stepped in dog shit. She keeps checking her shoes. She's getting off on like the 16th floor and I'm like, get this woman out of here. So she's like checking her shoes like twice. She checked them and I was like, nope, not not the dog shoes. Not the dog. Not not dog shit. It's my dog's leg. Your dog's leg. Yeah. So then I have to put him in the tub. I put him in the tub.

This is fucking disgusting. I put on gloves. This is so gross. I put on gloves. I hope that you're not going in. Did you at least take your clothes off? I took my shirt off.

So you're shirtless with gloves washing your dog. There is a whole sect of the internet that is just fucking horny right now. Which one? What porno is that? I don't know. You tell me, King Porno. I'm not King Porno. You're King Porno. You just got horny. You're like, oh, shirt off, wash it off. You think I got horny for you, bitch? You think I got horny for you, bitch? You wish, bitch. Frank, there is multiple edits on the internet of you getting horny.

To me. No, I'm not horny for you. I've never been horny for you. Never! You know why? Bullshit! Who would do that? You know why? I'm straight, bitch. You didn't say that very convincingly. You wanna know why? Because I'm straight, bitch. Dude, I'm telling you, if you were to post a picture with your- with yellow- you were using Dexter's mom's gloves, right? Oh, no, they were white.

They weren't long. They were just hands. Oh, so it was just like doctor. Like doctor. Oh, wait. Wait, do you have cloth gloves? No, no, no. They were latex. Or like nitrite or whatever it's called? Nitrite. Is that what it's called? Nitrile? Nitrite? Napalm. No, no, no. I don't know. They were just white gloves. They were like latex. All right, okay. And I was like washing them. So some of it got in his tail, right? And the reason why I know that. You had a jerk off his tail. I'm so glad someone else is here now to laugh at me.

Because like how else would you clean a tail brother? I mean yeah you gotta like- You have to jerk it. So I start jerking his tail. Here we go! Now we're talking! How are you- were you standing next to him or over him? He's in the tub and I'm like kneeling next to the tub so I'm like washing him. Gotcha. And the dude hits a shake. He shakes shit in your face! He didn't shake shit in my face but he definitely shakes shit on my chest. He's shaked and there was a streak of diarrhea.

From nipple to nipple. And I literally was just like, I hate today! I think I actually yelled that. I hate today! And it was just like, I was like, bro! I would pay thousands of dollars. You should have seen me. Thousands of dollars to have been a fly on the wall for that. You know the, I have those loofahs that are like a ball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that look like, you know, like they're like, like twilly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost took my chest off with this in the shower. Just,

Yeah, I had diarrhea on my chest. Oh my goodness. Connected my nipples. That is, that is, that is bad. And that's kind of how it ended. I mean, he's still sick right now. He's better though. Yeah, like, I mean, this would be a really not fun story if at the end of it he, like, died. No, no, no. I just got a text from the vet today and he said, like, his blood work is normal. Okay. He may have just eaten something that, like, I don't fucking know. Oh, I did give him a hemp chew the day before this happened, so maybe. A what? It's like CBD. You're giving your dog drugs.

It's not drugs. Like, it's for anxiety. I don't know about that. It sounds like you're... I mean, whatever. But anxiety. It's not blowing meth in his face. It's fucking CBD. I love how your dog has anxiety. I wonder why. He just let go of his entire fucking week's worth of food on himself. He's a very sensitive and cuddly guy. You know, they do say that...

Dogs take the personality of their owners, their handlers. I don't know what the proper term is. I don't want to offend any dog owners. I mean, I don't have separation anxiety, but I definitely like to cuddle and get in a club. I have a question. Okay.

So you know how there are people out there that like to dress up as dogs and be on leashes and like, shit like that? Furries, yeah. Are they furries or are they dog people? No, they're furries. They're furries. But furries is different because furries are like- There's a furry sect where they are just dogs. I'm saying- I'm not talking furries because furries are in like mascot costumes. They're in like big helmets and- Those are expensive too. I would imagine. Yeah. But I'm talking the people that like wear like the, you know, the ears and the face thing and they like- And they like hop over fences. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The person that is in control of them, how does that – like what do they call them?

Like are they in a relationship? Oh like a master dog? Yeah, like is it- is that what it is? Is like dog Dom? You're my dog Dom. Dommy dog. Type in dog play. Is it dog play? You want me to type in dog play? Oh god this is my computer. Dog playing. That's just a dog- That's like a playpen. Dog play. Wait no it's just gonna be dogs playing. Humans are dogs and they play. Put in-

Humans when humans... Human wearing a leather dog face. Human wearing leather dog stuff. Wearing...

Leather dog faces. Dog mask? Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom! Boom! Leather puppy- Oh, it's Pup Play! Pup Play! Puppyhood! Not dog, it's pup. They're all puppies. They're young. Pup Play. What color would you- Whoa! Go to that one! That one looks cool. That looks like it's straight out of- Oh my god! You would love that. It looks like a Power Ranger. Honestly- Click on that one. Click on that one. I kind of, like, don't hate it. Click on that one. I think they're pretty pricey, though. Yeah, let's see. Because of, like, dog- $170?! That's nothing, dude. Whoa! No!

They got the puppy Avengers! Queen! Oh my god. They're about to sing puppy Bohemian Rhapsody. Which one is the coolest? Go. Honestly, it's... I think the red or the yellow. Uh, the red one. I mean the guy has the... look at the... The blue one is clearly the leader though. Clearly. Ooh, I don't know. Whoa, dude. That looks like if it was like a Proud Boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? They'd wear that and then they'd post something that's like, "Defend!"

Oh shit. These are cool though. They are pretty cool. Damn, should we get some? No. Okay. Yeah, actually, honestly. I'm down. There's a company, what is this? MRS Leather. Hey, make custom ones for the basement yard. I think it's Mr. S Leather. Ah, that might be it. Let's see, you could- Make a custom one? Please select a mask feature? Is that what that says? There's one review. Oh, what is it? What is it?

Mr. S. Leather. Whoa, this is a long one. It's too long. I'm going to read it. All right. So they're reviewing the Neoprene K9 hood. Mr. S. Leather has been the name and quality kink gear for my personal journey and their hoods are, in short, my gateway to home.

Good! Hey! We're not kink shaming here, baby. At all. At all. I will say, have you ever walked around on your hands and feet like a dog in your life? Of course you have. I love it, dude. I think it's fun. Going up the stairs is peak. Exactly. Going up the stairs as a human sucks. Going up the stairs as an animal? Really cool. Really cool. But have you ever tried to go down the stairs on your hands and feet?

I'll try it tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. I wouldn't try that if I was you. I'll create my will and testament first. I was going to say, we need to find a new fucking co-host here. Yeah, and we also have ads that we have to get. Okay. He was sitting there waving for like 10 minutes. Do the ads. I get excited, dude. I get excited. But we do have some ads for today, okay? Yeah.

I'm going to have to type in my password here that I don't remember for some reason. Okay. The first one we have here is BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, which is online therapy. He's using this opportunity to eat. I'm trying to go really quiet, too. You heard no clanging or banging. BetterHelp is online therapy. If you want to dip your toe into the world of therapy, you can do so with BetterHelp. Okay.

You can talk to a therapist in just under 48 hours. I've been in therapy for years. I think it's very beneficial. I think that everyone should be in it. But yeah, and also it's just not for people who you think you have some big traumatic thing that you have to get through or whatever. Even if you feel like you don't have anything, like any pressing matters or whatever, therapy is very helpful to help you with decisions that you'll be making in the future or just better understanding yourself. At least in my opinion, I think it's very useful in that way. So for anyone...

that would like to start doing therapy, you can do so with BetterHelp. Go to betterhelp.com slash basementyard today, and you'll get 10% off of your first month, okay? That is spelled B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash basementyard right now for that 10% off of your first month. And like I said, I've been in therapy for years now, and I think it's very beneficial, so shout out to BetterHelp. We also have FitBod. FitBod.com.

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Enjoy.

just for you and the other patrons that you can check out. So you start and end your week with The Basement Yard. Thank you so much. The reason we're in this new studio really is because of all of your support, especially the patrons. So we thank you guys. If you're able to take the Patreon journey with us, we welcome it. Also, we have two upcoming shows. We have the shows in Vancouver at the Just For Laughs. What the hell? I didn't even mean to make that sound. At the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival, and then we're doing the shows over in Europe. Spain.

Let's make sure we specify Europe. Go to TheBasementYard.com slash submit. Let us know what shows you're coming to and submit questions, you know, answers to the responses that we have in there. We did it last year during the shows. We have prompts. They have the responses. Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. You know, we did it last year during the shows. They were really fun. People enjoyed them, and we liked interacting with people. It was a highlight for us, too. So go check it out. TheBasementYard.com slash submit if you're coming to those shows, and we'll see you there. All right. Lovely. That's beautiful. What?

You wanted the other hot dog, right? Me? Yeah. Oh, uh oh. Oh, alright, well you're here. Are you throwing a hot dog? Pun came out! There's a bite taken out! You took a bite of it and you gave it to me?! You freak! First of all, there are rules. I did, I texted him. No, I meant- You said, "Throw me a hot dog." No, I didn't! I said, "Joey wants the other hot dog to eat. Can you bring it to him?" Greg, you can hear me. I've never said that. But also, like, you know that this bite that he took out of it, he was so upset by it, he was just like,

This is my cheat. I shouldn't have done that. This is my cheat. I really shouldn't have done that. He's like, ooh. It's not cheese, so he'll eat it. I am pretty, I'm not even lying. I wanted that hot dog, so.

Crush it. If you didn't want it. Well no, the bun's on the floor now! Eat as much of that hot dog as you can in one bite. I'm not doing this, Joey. In one bite. There are some- Don't do it sideways. There are some sneaky- That's way worse! There are some sneaky people on TikTok that'll- they'll be able to get videos of that, clips of that very quick, and it'll end up all over the sites. I'm sure as you have sites that talk about your fucking sick feet, there are sites that talk about people that deep throat stuff. I'm not doing it.

Nice try, America. Did I tell you that one time someone tried to get me to sell my fart to them? Or sounds of my fart. Yeah. Like a recording of my fart. Yeah, that happened to me too. I should have done that. That happened to me. Someone messaged me. Remember their name? Their name was Fart Slave Frankie. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Fart Slave Frankie. I thought it was like Fart Slut.

Close enough. Yeah, same thing. They wanted my farts. I have too much pride to record my farts and sell them. I don't. I just will for the right price. I will sell a recording of my fart. So I think we talked about this a while ago. Has your price changed? Has it gone up? On my fart? Yeah.

How's your price of your, you have more valuable farts than you did three years ago? If someone was willing to offer you like, like, yo, next time you fart, take a video of it and just send it to me and I'll send you X. How much would that have to be? Per fart? One sitting of fart. Am I paying taxes on the money? No, it's cash. It's not cash. It's a Zelle.

Man, first of all, I'm gonna get in trouble because if I get it once, you know me, once I get into something, I'm in for the sprint. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So, if I get, hmm, I would say, realistically, $500. Too much? Too much! Of course too much! Why? 500? Who do you think you are? Queen Elizabeth? Bitch, you have to set your standard high to make your farts more appealing.

Yeah, Frank, you're not selling it to me. I'm just saying this is business 101! We need to get Jordan Belfort over there, of farting. I mean if you're gonna- if you're going to ask me- Sell me this fart. Sell me this fart. I think- I think if you want to make- if my farts are only gonna have more value if I put them at a higher value. Think about it- So where are you gonna settle though? I would settle on $350.

I, you know, Shark Tank, baby. You go in. For a quick fart? A little fart? Who's got that kind of money? It's not Warren Buffet buying these. Hey, how do you know? I don't. How do you know? You think the person's legal name is Fart Slave Frankie? No. Exactly. How do you know it isn't someone of high status like Katy Perry on the other end? You think Katy Perry's paying $350 to hear you fart? I don't know.

He's got Orlando Bloom. I'm sure he farts. He looks like he does. No. You think he farts? What do Orlando Bloom's farts sound like? Not smell like. What do you think they sound like? Really? I don't know. I was going British. I was going, front, front, down, poop. It's so stupid. It's got to have a purpose. It's got to, right? It's got to. I imagine. These are good drinks. Again. BuddyMaryHotSauceEatenness.com.

Enjoy that. Yeah. Um, speaking of farts, bitch. Oh yeah, pull up the farting. There's a story that came out. Put up the farting. No, no, no, no. Very careful. Very careful.

The story, bitch! The story that we had about farts! Oh my god. Do your job! Stinky farts! There was a story that came out of all places, ironically. Uh, UK. Yeah. Uh, and, uh... Oh, this is the UK? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woman gets charged in the first ever cyber farting case. Which, if you had to guess what that meant... Uh, I mean, cyber sex, cyber farting, cyber spitting. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that just means, like, I'm texting fart to you a lot.

You know what I mean? I think cyber now is just being used to... It's just used as a highway. However the car gets there, it's just a highway, cyber. Frankie, what could that even begin to mean? Like, that's like cyber... you know, cyber bullying. It's just you're bullying, but you're on the highway of the cyber. Does that make sense?

It's used- That is like the most incorrect way of interpreting it. Cyber means digital. Yeah! So it's the- So where is the highway? It's the method of transportation. Yeah. So like if you were to drive to my house, you would say, "How'd you get there?" "Highway." And I would say, "Alright, how did you get the bullying across?" And you'd say, "Cyber." I see where you're going now, but that's an insane way to say that. I don't think it's insane. I think it is coherent and- Can we go back up to the title of this thing? Uh...

So, the case, woman gets caught, woman gets charged in the first ever cyber farting case after relentlessly sending multiple videos of herself farting to her boyfriend's ex. Okay. Which is a very interesting way to get back at someone's ex. Like, your ex, maybe, maybe, I'm just putting my head in the mind of the farter. In the fart, yeah. Maybe it was like, the ex thought they were being sneaky.

by messaging the boyfriend and she's like, "I got his phone, I'm gonna send a voice note back, but it's just farts." Well, it's video, so it's her- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Definitely cover your nose because you're an adult. Can we see? You wanna see the number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I didn't know this was a crime. This does sound like something that you would charge someone with. If one of my ex-girlfriends did this, I'm telling you right now, she's getting the cops called on her. I know. Without jokes.

Okay, so she... I love how you can see this. Look at this. There's no such law against cyber farting. Of course. Of course. There has to be. There's no law against that. How much did she end up paying, Ant? Nearly 300 euros? What? What's the conversion rate? I mean, it's a little more than 300 bucks. Maybe it's like 320 bucks or something. That's a lot of money, dude. That's a ton of money. I was sending some farts. I mean, you can recoup your losses real quick.

You go back to self. This probably actually helped the farter. Yeah, this is like free publicity. Exactly. And what do they say about publicity? All publicity is good publicity.

Even if it's about your dumper. Right, yeah. Even if it's about your blowing farts. Yeah. You know how much I hate this story. Do you believe that? Do you think that all publicity is good publicity? No. Me neither. No, I do not. I'm like, bad publicity would really hurt my feelings. Yeah, honestly, there is bad publicity, which is bad. I mean, I think you can argue that, like,

There's levels of bad. Like, bad publicity is probably to some people good, but then, like, when it gets real bad, not good. I don't want any bad publicity. I'd be, like, upset by bad. I don't even need good. I'm cool with just pub. Maybe, you know what? I'm going to recant my statement here, and I'm going to be, I'm going to play devil's advocate.

Maybe for the individual it's not good publicity, but maybe for other people in the world it could be considered good publicity. So like, let's use the example of like a real heinous crime. You know, a serial killer gets caught. For that person, for the serial killer, bad publicity. For the other people that were potential victims, good publicity. How's that good publicity? Now they know who the serial killer was. He was caught, he's going to jail. Alright, so they find out that there's a serial killer.

Bad publicity for the serial killer that's out there. Good publicity for the people that are worried about being serial killed. I think you're confusing publicity with just news. Is that not the same thing? I mean, I don't... I think publicity refers to more of, like, a reputational... I think publicity is like... First of all, we're saying publicity so much and it's starting to sound so ridiculous. Like, there's no publicity with, like, it's gonna rain. Oh, that's good publicity. But the publicity is the spotlight that is put on you. It's not necessarily the whatever's being written. It's just the fact that there is...

You are now public. It's making public of something. In a city. Publicity. What does it say? I can't read this, brother. Publicity is notice or attention given to someone or something by the media. Well, there you go. So news is, by definition, publicity. Yeah, but like... No, but yeah. No? Yeah, but yeah. But no? No. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you're yes or no. No, yeah. Got it. Okay, cool. The point really made it here. I think...

You know. That's kind of a crazy way to get back at someone though. But, if you are in the- How many farts? Do we know that? You know how many videos of farting this woman sent? Is there like a number? I'll be honest. Because one is like- Bro. Chill. But like, 30? Bro, anything more than five I would say is excessive and requires criminal- Oh my god, wait, what does that say at the end of that? The court also sentenced Evans to a 12 month community- What does that say? With a two year restraining order. With a two year restraining order?!

Two years for farting? I'll be honest. If I sent videos and I got...

12 months of community service I am Fuming is community service picking up trash on the highway it could be it could be that it could be other stuff like what I mean They're like coach a baseball team work. Yes. It could be like I mean, that's what Gordon Gekko did not Gordon Gekko That's from the other one Gordon Bombay. Who's Gordon? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he got community service anyway, and he taught the Ducks Yeah, it's a different movie. It's his father technically no different um

I mean, you know... You have to get back to the community. You could work for YMCA, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, shit like that. There's other ways to do community service than just picking up trash. But that is one way, I guess. Right, yeah. I do think picking up trash with those big sticks is kind of cool. I kind of want to poke trash with sticks. Yeah, I want to do that too. And then just throwing it in a bag. Yeah, yeah. That would be so sick. I don't know why it's always the highway. Have you ever done community service? I think I had to do it in high school.

Or something. Probably, right? Did we have to do it in high school? Yeah. I did a whole year in a food pantry. Oh, that's cool. That's nice. That just sounds like he was in a food pantry. Yeah, just sitting in a food pantry. I did a whole year in a pantry. I think I did a lot during college. I can't remember actually doing community service. I may have forged that, to be honest, because I don't remember doing anything. I think it was in my college. You, to graduate, had to do some form of it. Or maybe, no, maybe I'm wrong, but like,

You definitely, like in my college, it was like you had to do some form of volunteer work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, you know, people go to soup kitchens. What is a pantry? You give out food to the homeless people? Yeah, it's like a soup kitchen, right? Okay. Yeah.

But it's not soup, it's just all food. Yeah, so it's like boxed goods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sardines. A lot of sardines. Really? Sardines? A lot of sardines. Because people donate and no one eats sardines, I guess. It's a lot of sardines. You ever had a sardine? You ever had a sardine? No, but I think cracking open that can looks sick. That looks so cool, dude. You know what I mean? Back to rations. Yeah. Back to rations. Yeah. I will say this. Roll! Okay.

Okay, go ahead. You ever seen the videos? Don't worry about me. Of the cans, and they come with a little key, and then you stick a key in? And they have to, like, twist it? That's what I was gonna say. If you gave me 30 seconds, you would have allowed me to say this, bitch. I stole it. Anytime I watch the old fucking Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry, and they fucking do that. Oh, that looks so sick. Yo, why do we move away from cans, bro?

Uh, we're still very much so using cans, brother. No, I know, but like, we don't have the key canned anymore. I know, key cans were really cool. I think it would probably got too expensive to produce that. Oh yeah, maybe. They're like little- So, we settled for plastic and now we all have microplastics? No, we still have cans, but it's just they no longer come with a key. The key itself is probably like, they were just like, "We would save 30 cents per thousand if we-" It does look really cool. It looks so cool. Have you ever seen the ones where it's like a little knife?

It looks like a spearhead and they like cut the can? Yeah! That shit looks cool. It looks like I would fuck that up though. You probably would. Yeah. 'Cause you're an idiot. No, you'd fuck it up too. No way. I'm opening cans all the time, dude. Yeah, but they have the c- it's easy. No, I have a can opener but also I just have a- Can openers are cool as fuck too. We used to have one at the lake that was magnetic and it was like mounted to the cabinet and you literally just

pulled the can up to it and it sticks to it and then it just like... Spins it? It spins it and it stays there until you pull it off. It was so sick. Damn, that's fucking cool. But I would rather crank. I mean, I don't like modern can openers. They're kind of stupid. The ones that like clamp down? You like hold down and you do this? I liked it though. We as a society used to be way cooler with opening cans. I like when Popeye opens this shit. What's a... What a weird thing to eat to make you strong? Spinach?

I mean, spinach is pretty good for you. I mean, it's not like it's like protein or something. You know what I mean? Is there protein in spinach? If there is, it's not like a ton. That's a good question. I'm sure there's maybe like a little bit, like trace amounts of protein.

I mean, trace amount. Oh, yeah. How many protein is Sprint? .9 grams, bro. .9 per serving. One cup. Wow, that's nothing. A cup of fucking- That's nothing, dude. And he's eating a can, bro. This guy's getting fucking, you know, half a- Well, yeah, this is back when they were just like, "Oh, smoke cigarettes. Your kids will be great, even if they're in utero." Also, was Popeye even strong, dude? It was just his forearms. My brother. You ever see those cartoons? This guy was lifting up shit, pound- you know,

Doing that old timey punch. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. Charging up his punch. That old timey punch, and then he fucking hits. What's Popeye's bad guy's name? Bluto? I don't know. No idea. Remember when old Irish people used to fight like this? What's wrong with you? Listen, you guys are... What is this? You had it wrong. That was the dumbest way. Yeah. Do you remember Popeye's girlfriend's name?

Welcome back to Popeye. Popeye Talk. Was it Sally? You'll never guess this. I'll give you four more guesses. Is it a two-namer? Yeah. Like she's got a last name? Well, it's a two-name first name. Oh, like Mary Lou? Yeah. Was it something like white trash like that? No, I've never heard anyone else name this. Have you? No. No, no, no. Is it like bullseye or something? No, but kind of. It's not a name? It's not a name. It's not like lampshade. It's partially, I guess, could be a name. What's the first letter? O. Orange. Orange.

No, you know, you fucked with me. What's her name? You fucked it up. Or, or, or, or. I just turned to a seal. I almost went back. Olivia. Olive. Bro, her name was Olive. Olive what? Branch. Olive. Olive oil. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. That took you too long, dude. I honestly didn't know her name at the beginning of that. Yeah. Yeah. That was, you know, that was my nickname as a baby. Olive oil? Popeye. Why? What's so funny about that?

Look at you. As a baby, I would always do that face. Oh, okay, yeah. And smoke cigars. Right. And I had massive tumors on my forearm. And I had a tattoo of an anchor. Why? He's a sailor, bro. Was that a thing that sailors were like, I love being a sailor so much, I'm going to tattoo it on me? You know how the basic girl tattoo is like a dream catcher? Dream catcher, yeah. Butterflies. Butterflies. For men, yeah.

It's names and numbers. It's Roman numerals. Yeah. Crosses this. Oh, no, the worst one I've ever seen is I knew someone that had their first and last name on each, like one on each arm. That is bananas. That is the worst one. Having your own last name across the top of your back? Bro. I'm trying to think if we know anyone that has that. I mean, I think a lot of people have that. Bro, did you ever see, we should just make this a back tattoo talk. You ever see Hulk Hogan's back tattoo?

One of the worst I've ever seen is it worse than Ben Affleck's it's in different ways worse Look, I've never seen his tattoo look at this piece of shit tattoo. What does that say it says immortal immortal? No, that's the well his name was the oh first of all his back looks like someone's spreading their asshole open This poor guy babe Babe babe this poor guys had like

Two dozen back surgeries. Poor guy. Yeah, well, actually, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, there's some... Yeah, no, that's bananas. That's bananas. Now bring up... Do Ben Affleck's. I like Ben Affleck. I like Ben Affleck, too. I love the account. That back tattoo is a bad one. It's a bad one. I think because it's just like...

I think in theory it wouldn't be that bad, but just like on him of all the hell we don't places like that's just such a bad. It's just like that is cool. As a Pokemon, it's cool back. That would be cool on a playing card. How do you feel about like character tattoos? Like people that get like sleeves that are like Pokemon or something like that?

I think old sleeves look cool. If there's like, if it's like, look, there's like Josh, Josh has sleeves of like different horror characters. I think that's pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, it is a little strange that he has it, the clown. Does he? Yeah. He got Pennywise. I'm sure it looks great. It does. It does look good. He's going to be pissed when he sees it. He's going to be like, fuck that bup bup. No, but the, the, this is kind of like,

It's just, it's so out of nowhere. It's, yeah. It's just, like, that's the thing. If he was, like, openly just, like, love talking about phoenixes, I would get it. That just looks like a Moltres. No, he wishes it was a Moltres. Oh, here we go. Some deep cut Pokemon. Go ahead. Who is it? No, I'm not going to say any Pokemon. But I'm saying, like, there's a lot of blue on there. Like, if it was a Moltres, yeah, we got to see some of these. Oh, no, no. I'm not going down here.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, that was a bad one. You ever see Steve-O tattooed a penis on his face? Yeah, he got a penis coming into his eye. Or pissing, I don't know what it is. I'm sure it's come, but where? It's up here? Yeah. Piss coming in his eye? You didn't see? We're on main YouTube. We're not showing it on main YouTube. Well, he goes on main YouTube. He has his own show. I'm sure he's okay.

Yeah, but he probably covers the come-eye or whatever. I mean, it's... We have sponsors. Oh, we're going right to the sponsors. We do have sponsors. You haven't even touched your chicken, bitch. Well, you know, I'm considerate, I think. We have PrizePix, okay? PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action. 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings, okay? People are making money doing this. And you can now win up to 1,000 times your money on PrizePix online.

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Greg took a bite of this hot dog sans bun. So he took a bite of the hot dog outside of the bun. Mm-hmm. He got no bun in his bite. That seems wrong, right? Am I wrong? That rhymed. No bun in his bite, right? I don't like that. No, I don't need a bun all the time. Like, I could eat a hot dog. Like, cut up hot dog. Buns make the dog better, though. We agree. Yeah.

Don't yeah like that. Yeah, with confidence. Yeah. That also wasn't confident. No, I mean like, yeah, the first one. How's your chicken tendy? I haven't had one. Try it. Well, at this point, it's just been sitting out, and now I'm like. What's going to happen, Joey? Nothing. I just like, it's not as appetizing to me. Take a bite. I think it's more for show. Take a bite. Now.

I don't know. You think I'm like one of your children or something? What's going on over there? That doesn't work on them. I'm hoping it works on you. You don't think I can bite it off? No. I love celery. Was it you who said celery was delicious? Yeah, I love celery. Yeah. You don't like celery? Or did you say it was spicy? Mm-mm. This is you trying to gaslight me. I never said it was spicy. I said it has a spice to it.

That's why celery seeds- You're a manipulator. No I'm not! Did anyone just hear that? No! No, no, no, bitch. Go. Because two things can mean two different things.

Two things can mean two different things. Yes! Two things can mean the same thing, two things can mean two different things. Go. Something that is spicy also has a spice to it. Something that has a spice to it does not necessarily need to be spicy. Frogs and toads, baby. Frogs and toads. Something can- Why do you think celery seed or celery salt is a spice that you can use while cooking? Because there is a distinct spice, like a flavor to it.

A flavor. A flavor! A spi- but there- it's more than a flavor. A flavor is flavor. Spice is spice. Yeah, but all spices are con- are just flavor enhancers or flavor additives. Spicy is spice. No, because technically garlic is a spice. It's spicy. Wha- who- what? If you bit a garlic clove, you'd be like, "Hikeyikeyah." If you go in the spices aisle, you'll find things that are not spicy that are, you know, like oregano. Is cinnamon a spice? Technically, yes it is. Yeah.

So there you go! It has a spice to it. It does! Celery has a flavor and spice to it. That doesn't mean it is spicy. But what is the spice? Like, what do you describe? Just like a- like a peaked- like, it has like a peak of- of flavor. Like there's something- But what's the difference? But it comes to a peak. Like it comes to like more of a sharp edge than like a duller flavor. Does that make sense? A sp- so a spicy taste?

No! It's not spicy. Spicy is also subjective, you bitch. So like, what is spicy to me may not be spicy to you. Right. Do you have a- do you- are you good with spice? I'm very good with spice, yeah. Really? Yeah. You think you're better at spice than me?

Without a doubt. Really? Without a doubt. Oh, are you an atomic wing guy? I used to, yeah. But you don't anymore? Anytime we would go, this is going to be, you can immediately pick apart this argument. Oh, this is going to be good. But like anytime when we were kids, we would go to Hooters, which we did pretty often. I wouldn't say that. We went like a couple times a summer. Frank, I feel like I've been to Hooters maybe four times in my entire life. Might have all been in the same summer. Yeah.

I've been at least a dozen times to Hooters. That's insane. No, it's not, is it? You went for the waitresses? Half of those times. No, no. Honestly, no. My fraternity also did an event at Hooters. Oh, you and the frat bros going to Hooters. I'm sure it wasn't about the tats. It wasn't. It was during recruitment week. We were trying to show off that we had free. Show up for all-you-can-eat wings. We're paying for it at Hooters.

Who doesn't want to join that fraternity?

Wait, do they have all-you-can-eat wings? I don't know if they still do, honestly. Do other countries do all-you-can-eat? Because that, to me, sounds like bananas. It is the most American thing on the planet. Like, pay a flat rate and just get all of the food, all of it, as much as all of it. I used to think, you know how Olive Garden's like, oh, unlimited breadsticks. I'm like, so? Who cares? Then they said unlimited pasta, and I'm like, slow down. Unlimited fucking breadsticks.

Let's see, Brazil- Fettuccine Alfredo? Yes, other countries have all-you-can-eat buffets including Brazil, Hong Kong, and Japan. Okay. Okay. Buffets are different. I'm saying, yeah, like at restaurant specials, like do they have like Tuesday is all-you-can-eat wing night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure they do. If they have buffets, like why would they stop at buffets? I guess. I haven't really been to many buffets.

Man, when's the last time I went to a buffet? I went to King China Buffet. That was like the place to go when we were kids. They had a koi pond in the front. It was so cool. I used to throw quarters in there. I didn't realize that I was killing the kois. You absolutely were. I absolutely was hurting the kois. And that was like the place that like...

for like fifth grade graduation, like all the people went there after fifth grade graduation. - Mine was Neptune Diner. I would go there, get giant pancakes and then on the way out they had a little bowl of mints and I would eat all of them. - I love sucking those mints. - I love sucking those mints. They have a little jelly in them. - They do and they're dusty.

Yeah, that was crazy. That was wild. That's insane dude. Crazy! Yeah, but they do have like a little jelly. You suck them until the jelly came out on them. Yeah, well I would bite them. Oh, dangerous. No, no, no, they weren't hard. They were like the dusty ones. So you like the salty, oh like softer ones that you could bite to remove the jelly. But you know what I mean? I know what you mean. They were those ones and they would get like, they'd kind of get like holes in them so you could like Yeah, I'd put them on my tongue and I'd go like bleh. Okay. Um...

Type in Dusty Diner Mints. Okay. We're just abusing our ability. I wonder if it'll show up. Do people know what they are? Boom! Yeah, no, I remember those, baby. Dusty Diner Mints. Get a couple bags of those bad boys. By the way, for those of you guys that weren't on Patreon, Ant is now our guy in the chair. I forgot about that. Yeah, Ant is our guy in the chair who is now doing whatever we ask him to do, basically. And thank you. Besides looking up...

Tattoos of... Exquisite things. Steve-O's penis face, yeah. Yeah, sorry. Get some- order some of these bitches here. No, no, no, we don't need them. 'Cause I can't stop eating them. I- well, what's the problem? It's legitimately like, uh... It's just sugar. BTH for me. It's like BTH for me. BTH- what the hell is that? Black tar heroin. Black tar heroin. What happened? Why do you have- like, you're on a first name basis with black tar heroin that you just give it a nickname? Yeah.

Uh, no. But, dude, those are so good. A dusty old diner is so sick. I love it so much. I really do. The purple ones of those, you see how they're filled with the jelly? The green ones are the best, brother. Green were good. I like the red ones and the green ones were the... I mean, the orange ones and the...

If you ever handed me a yellow one, I'll tell you right now, I'm throwing it against the wall as hard as I can. The yellow ones, I actually like yellow flavored shit, and people hate it. These yellow ones are garbage. I don't like yellow flavored stuff. The fucking purple ones, I'd rather eat. Well, those are black licorice, aren't they? Disgusting. I think they were black licorice. Why do old people fuck with licorice?

'Cause that's all they had for fun back then. So gross. They would be like, "Hey, look, we got this chewing gum that when you chew it turns black and guess what? It's licorice flavor." What the fuck is that? What's wrong with you sad fucks? Yeah. You had cooler cans and way of opening cans. That's it. But that's it, dude. Old people just like the worst shit. And then wax candy. Wax candy. One time my grandma got me these things, it's like, "Oh, it's wax lips." My mom. And I put it in my mouth and it makes you look like you have big lips. And I tried to eat it and I'm like, "Grandma,

You suck. I'm eating a fucking candle here. You suck, Grandma. Why am I eating this? Yeah, I remember my mom, she gave it to me once. She's like, it's like chewing gum. So naturally, I tried to chew it like chewing gum. It's not. You know what it's like? Wax. Yeah, biting into a candle. Oh, my God. Into a Yankee candle, which I would bite some of those. Dude, I don't know if I ever told you this story, but in seventh grade, because remember, I went to the new school in seventh grade. And-

That sounds like I got shipped off or something. I went to boarding school. I went to the school, but it was like the promise. The science rooms had science-y tables. You remember those science-y tables that had the black chalk-like? And they had a sink. A sink in the middle and shit like that. Bunsen burner. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And our science teacher, he was like going over like what we were going to be doing this year. And it was like cool shit. He showed us that experiment where like you dip a can in hot water and then you immediately go to cold water and it just fucking crushes. Oh, that happens? You've never seen that? No. It's crazy.

He showed us the one where like he puts like liquid in a cup and then it just like turns black Oh, yeah, I've seen that and then at the end of everything He's like it's gonna be he was getting like so dramatic And he's like it's gonna be like we're gonna like blow your mind science is everything and anything and he lit a candle And he's like science will make you question your perception of reality He blew the candle out and then ate it and I was like what the fuck?

Why'd he eat it? This was crazy, dude. Yeah. It blew my mind. You definitely thought, that's so cool. I did. And then I found out that he was a fucking fraud. It wasn't a candle. It was a piece of string cheese. I was so pissed about this. It was a piece of string cheese. And he cut the... He cut, like, a sliver...

of an almond and put it in the top and lit it so it looked like a candle. So he was like, "Candle," and then ate it. I was like, "Yo, this guy's crazy. We're gonna do crazy shit this year. He just ate a candle." It was just string cheese with an almond. I love how that was what got Frankie to be inv-- like, "Yo, this guy ate a candle? This class is gonna be sick!" I would be like, "What the fuck is going on, bro?" I would give him a shout-out, but fuck him. Damn it.

That pissed you off, huh? I was- I was- Wait, how long- when did you find out? And when were you- The end- It was like, like weeks if not months later. So, and- but you were devastated. Of course I was! How'd you find out? You asked him? I think someone had like asked and he told them or like someone figured it out. He was like, "Oh, it was string cheese, you dumbass." Yeah, basically. I remember being so upset about it too. He's like, "What?" I was just like, "Wait, that's not real- that's not a- yo, we were bought in-" I was so bought in to the science class. Your world came crumbling down. And then I just found out it was string cheese with an almond.

I love how you were so impressed by that that it was devastating to you. That he ate a candle. I was so upset! Did he eat the whole thing? No, he just took a bite. And it was like at the- literally it was as like the bell rang. 'Cause you remember teachers would be like, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you!" It's like, "Your dick is small, we get it." Yeah, like, "We get it, dude!" And he'd be like, "Alright guys, so look forward, I'll see you," 'cause we had like every other day classes. So if it was Monday he'd be like, "I'll see you on Wednesday, and never forget..."

Never f- We didn't need that detail at all. Well, it was at the end of class and then it was like, "I'll see you on Wednesday two days from now." And then- What? What's funny about that? I don't know, it's just an unnecessary detail. I keep going. Well, 'cause we- we- that- that- I added to the gravity, like, it sat with us for two whole days. We had a whole day off to be like, "What the fuck is this guy gonna do next class?" Yeah. And he was just like, "And never forget, we're gonna have a fun year. Science is everything." And we're all like, "What?"

What grade was this? Seventh grade. Seventh grade. Okay, that'll do it. Just like the sweet spot of you still believe in the magic of the world, but then people start talking to you about the Bush administration. Yeah. Yeah. See, that's what you had, and then I had my Chinese-Spanish teacher that was failing me relentlessly every single time. Oh, I had a Spanish teacher that hated me, too. Yeah, yeah. All my Spanish teachers besides... Wait, did I take Spanish in sixth grade? My seventh grade teacher...

was this Chinese woman absolutely hated me. Yeah, we know. We remember the whole story. Yeah. Okay. Jesus. Thank you. Yeah, we got to do not bring it up. Our Spanish teacher, the reason she hated us, it made sense. Her last name was Madera, which is wood in Spanish. Did anyone hear the ghost? That's Miss Madera. Yeah. Wait, so what did you say? Oh, she got so many wood jokes, like boners.

Oh. Yeah. I thought you were just making, like, wood jokes. And I'm like, yeah, you got her. No, no, no. Like, you know. Like, oh, wood? I bet you got wood, right? I got wood. I don't know if I did that. But I'm sure something along those lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Did you, because I remember in high school, did you show the priests in your high school your boners? I think that's not appropriate, honestly. I didn't have any. I did have, I had one brother. What are those? What are brothers? Monsinger?

Monsinger? Monsignor? Monsignor. Yeah, but it's spelled with a G, brothers. Yeah. Is that what it is? Monsinger? What's a brother? I think it's just like a guy. Like a guy who's almost there? A guy nun. Like a male nun? Like a dude nun. A gun. A religious brother is a man who takes vows of poverty, chastity. First of all, he was going to say...

And obedience. What do we mean by, well, obedience, I get that, to the Lord. Yeah. You gotta obey that. Chastity, that makes sense. Chastity, is that no puss? No sexies. No puss? And, uh... Vow of poverty? Poverty. He's definitely getting paid. I mean, that doesn't, that I don't understand. Like, you choose to live in squalor to feel more connected to God? Is that a thing? I don't know, but I'm confused why there's not a vow of being a fucking asshole, because that guy was an asshole to me. Really? Yeah.

man. Yeah, he was. I always wanted, and I think I have asked you this before, but like what, like your science classes, like where do they draw the line?

Did they just, like, start and stop at earth science? I'll tell you this. Or, like, they'd be like, and the rivers run because of this and that and then because of God. No. So it wasn't like that. Was it for you? Our religion teacher said, you know, we're going to learn about evolution. I don't believe in it, but we're going to learn about it. Really? I swear to God. Really? You want to hear what I had? That's weird because... So, by the way, for those of you guys that don't know, Joey and Ant went to the same high school. Right. Different times. And it's, like, six years old. Okay. No. I had my...

This is actually kind of funny. My science teacher was a gay man, right? Not out at the time. What's hysterical about that? You're saying, like, the thing that's, like, teaching science in a Catholic school, you're like, where are they drawing the line? And he was gay. So he had two strikes on him. Right? He wasn't, like, out gay, but he was very obviously gay. Then I had another teacher who taught...

Sex and religion? Was that the class? Like sex? So sex and religion. Who was trans?

like was like since then has transitioned or at the time was transitioning no it was like like yeah wow I think maybe in the middle that's pretty cool well I was like I didn't think about that until right now when you said it like where they draw the line in science like it was a regular science like we did chem and biology that's pretty cool that's that's yeah cool in the sense like that they accepted her did I ever tell you the story about that class no uh oh true this is true right

Well, I think I've said it before, honestly. So on the first day, the teacher was like, we're just going to make everyone comfortable. So everyone's going to go up to the board. And whatever makes you think of sex, write one word on the board. I think you have told me this, but continue.

So, people are writing like, contraceptive. Right? Because no one wants to be like, nipples. Yeah. Oh, oh my god. Forget it. If I was in that class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably would have pranked the whole thing. I would have. Honestly, if you were like, in that class, what would you have written to try to be funny? Because I always try to be the classic clown. I think I wrote like, boot or something like that. Fat tits. I didn't write fat tits. That's insane. But like, I wrote like, something. Like, I was trying to be like, nuh-uh.

69. There was a kid. I think someone did write 69. There was a kid who was strange. You know in the kids in high school that kind of act like cats and you're like, why is this guy meowing? You know what I mean? Yep. There was nothing wrong with this kid. I think that he just. Like cats. Maybe. Yeah. Or he was a cat. I have no idea. Okay. But he wrote hentai. Okay. Up on the board.

which the teacher didn't know what it was. So he looked it up. No, he wrote hentai, and then as he's walking back to his seat, he was like, what is that? The kid said something like, it's something like when your favorite cartoons are having sex, but all the noises are real. He said something like that. That's a very accurate way of saying it. Frank, this was the first day of class in our sex and religion class with our transgender teacher. It was awesome.

A whole ton. I mean, that,

That's a good way to break the ice. I mean, good for us. The ice was shattered on that day. Okay? The ice was beat to shit. Oh, I wish any teacher allowed us to do something like that. Why? You want a full pass to write penis on the board? I would have gotten in trouble. That's for sure. Like, if you were giving me a pass to write penis, first of all, there's no way I'm going up there. Big cock! There's no way I'm writing penis. People would have... 2007, Joey, if one of us went on the board and wrote penis, they would have immediately...

pegged us as like you would have gotten whoa no i know i i am thinking about it right now we were in high school in 2007 yeah 2006 that is so crazy yeah and you were born in 2008 right no how old are you i just turned 28 okay four years

Five? How old am I? Well, he turned 28 this year. Five years. And it'll be five years because we're turning 33 this year. Oh, my God. Yo, disgusting. Ill. Ill. Ill. Ill. Ill. Ill. Yeah. I don't feel 33. You know what's funny? On the drive-in, I was thinking to myself, like, I still feel like I'm the same person in just, like, that's not true. What?

Thank God I didn't. But like, I still feel like the same person in a sense that I was like my whole life. Like, I don't feel like, like 2007 was like, it feels like it could be a week ago or 18 years ago.

You know what I'm saying? Okay. It just, it all feels like it happened in a short period of time. Right. So, like, dude, 2007's gonna be 18 years ago. It is 18 years ago. Yeah, when I was younger, I remember thinking of someone who's 23 and being like, bro, get your life together. Like, a 23-year-old. I remember, I think we spoke about this recently on an episode, but, like, I remember there would be, like, there was always, like, one girl in our high school, and they were like, her boyfriend's in college. He's 22. And everyone was just like, whoa. And then, like, now looking back on it, like...

You're like, yo, slap some cuffs on that guy, dude. What the fuck is going on? Crazy, crazy. Yeah, 20 years ago. Yeah, almost. Can I ask what you're about to do? I'm about to eat this fried chicken that's been sitting here. Do it, do it, do it, do it. You're a savage. Hell yeah. You're a savage. That looked like it tasted really good. Give me a hot sauce, bitch. I can catch. Ooh, a little one-hander.

Frank, give him the Bloody Mary hot sauce on a piece of chicken right before we get out of here. Make sure you put the tip of the bottle right where you bit the chicken, you fucking asshole. You can take that off with you now. It's hot sauce. It sanitizes itself. Guys, I think that's all for this week's episode. Are you going to say it? I was going to wait until you say what you were going to say, and then I was going to say my things. You can go try the Bloody Mary hot sauce that Frank has in his hand that he's about to...

There you go. Go get it at theheatness.com. Go look for the Bloody Mary hot sauce. Thank you for supporting. We appreciate it. Frank, where can they find you? You can find me at FAlvarez885 on Twitter, TheFrankAlvarez on all the forms of social media. Go to patreon.com slash TheBasementUr to continue to support us. We appreciate you. And like I said earlier, if you're coming to the Just for Laughs shows in Vancouver on February 20th, 21st, one of those, or if you're coming to the shows in Europe...

Go to thebasemanyard.com slash submit. Submit the responses to the questions that we've asked you. It's going to be a party. We want to see you guys, and we're hoping you're hip. And that's all for this week's episode. You guys can go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram at The Basement Yard. We appreciate it. Thank you so much. Welcome to the new studio. Bye. See you next time.