The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About
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I have something so thirteen cool to talk you about. I'm so glad that you showed up and that you're here with me. Oh my god, I ve been using this thing that we're going to talk about in my own life for a while now.

And my kids call IT the let them theory. The second I explained you, you're gonna get a complete, because IT is the simplest, most liberating mindset flip that you could ever know, and you're just gonna love IT. Can you tell? Excited I am.

I'm also excited because there are three different ways that you can use IT in your life, and you're going to learn all three ways today. But one more thing before we jump in, I just wanted to take a minute and say, welcome to all of our new listeners. Welcome to the party, that is the meller Robin's podcast.

We've been waiting for you because this is the best group of people, so positive, so supportive. We want the best for you, and we're so glad that you're here. So whether you're here because you heard about the bigger word that we want of the webbing or because good morning america, just pick the mill Robin's podcasts, their top podcasts choice recently.

Thank you. Thank you for showing up. I promise we're na take care of you. Now let's talk about that. Let them theory.

In fact, I can give you the perfect example of how I use this thing from just this past weekend. See, IT was our son oak's prom. He is a junior in high school, and we went over to this person's house for preprocessing tos.

And IT starts to rain, and not just rain. IT is like a trendy al downpour. The kind of storm where you go really sucks. And so they're standing there in about five o'clock night. Prom starts at seven, and the kids start talking.

So what do you want to do for dinner? And I look at oak and I say, you guys start of reservation somewhere. He goes, no. And I then, so what are going to do as you want me to call? And I start then jumping in right and over functioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast.

And the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes, well, why not we go to over coto pit? Now avoid to pitch, just to put this in context, is this little amazing toko place, right? It's got maybe six tables in IT.

It's tiny. It's the size of one stall of a garage. They were talk in one car parking place, and there are twenty kids in tuxedos and long dresses, dss to the nines.

IT is a torrential downpour outside. And their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside. And I immediately started, you can go off vocoder pate you're going to get with with A A.

But I am controlling. I'm that person. And my daughter turns to me and he says, mom, if they want to go to offer A A bit, let them. It's his prom. It's not your prom.

Let them and when he said, let them IT as if I just went hands off IT was this little cue that was like, OK you're doing that thing. Just turn from controlling everything, mal, and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction. And immediately, what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be.

You are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling, instead of letting your emotions review up. I use this thing in so many situations in my life, i've basically lost count at this point, but i'm going to give you a few examples. So whenever I start to feel left out or my feelings are hurt, I definitely tapped the let them theory.

For example, have you ever been in a situation where a bunch to your friends go away for the weekend and you're not included? U can't stands right. Or maybe your golfing buddies take a trip and you're not invited? You can tell yourself what there's only four and I would be five or there's six couples and but I know IT hurts.

That's why you need to let them theory, let them if they are going on a golfing trip before, let them if a bunch of couples are going away, let them another way that I use IT. When I get frustrated with other people or I feel like i'm trying to change them 顶顶顶， well, let them theory works like a charm makes ml the control freeway off so your sister and off, for example, let's say he wants to host thanksgiving this year, but you always host thanksgiving. Let them saturday morning.

You would love to clean out the rush, but your spouse doesn't really want to. You'd love to go to the hardware store. Let them.

Your kid does not want to be on the travel baseball team anymore. Let them. Or how about that friend of yours, the one that is constantly dating losers? Let them.

I'll tell you why you've already spent hundreds of hours trying to cancel her, not to trying to tell her to break up, trying to tell her that she's Better than the person that she's dating. Is IT working now? IT just makes her push you away IT makes you feel less in control IT turns you into an overbearing friend IT doesn't work.

So if your friend wants to date a loser, that's beneath her later. And IT works for bigger things to your companies doing layoffs. There's no need to get your nickers in a pinch.

Let them do their layoffs. Driver is cutting into traffic. Let them. It's so liberating when you learn that you can drop the sort, you can just let go. And IT does make sense, doesn't IT.

When you hear all these examples, how simple IT is and how IT could be pretty powerful in your life. And the fact is, every single human being struggles with controlling behavior or controlling thoughts. And this simple theory is a way that you can check yourself so that that controlling nature, or the annoying stuff that's going on around you doesn't control you.

IT was looking for some research right before I jumped on the mike because, you know, melt Robinson loves her research. And I found this really cool analogy that you can use. And IT comes from a psychologist name, doctor amy Johnson.

And SHE has this visual that explains the less than theory. SHE says, whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream. You are paddling against the current IT is hard to paddle against the current IT is a fight that is what IT feels like when you're controlling other people, right, or you're trying to control them.

That's what IT felt like for me at this prepare party because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grab in a bite to eat, i've got my words, and i'm fighting against that current. And I might, but you want to have other things, but what about this? But you're going to get a dressed up.

What the fuck? So what doctor Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing IT, you are fighting against the court. You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you and resistance and frustration because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you, right? It's frustrating.

IT doesn't create more control and actually makes you feel less in control. What he says is you must let go and visualize hands off the hours, drop the hours. And what happens is the boat in that situation, what is to do? IT turns around.

And instead of going upstream, when you drop the yours, the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going. And you will notice the same thing that instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the yours and just surrender to whats going on, which creates peace and ease for you. Because does not matter if oakland is friends want to go to the avocational pit, of course not.

Who is a shit. In fact, IT might be the most memorable part of problem. Standing in the pouring rain, all of them crowded in this restaurant, ordering talkers before the thing. And so the bigger point here is, I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control.

And the let them theory is a level that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of IT in your life, so you can flow with the current of things instead of battle in IT. Now I could probably stop our conversation right here, right, because I know you get IT, but here's the thing about the let them theory that i've discovered, having used this thing for a while, just getting IT at the surface is easy, but we've only just begun scratching the surface. So I want you and I to keep peeling back the layers on this topic.

And the first thing I want you and I to talk about is, why on earth we so controlling? Why do we get so upset about what other people are doing? Like for example, I was upset the other day because the city of boston had decided to paint the inside of the sun tunnel, and traffic was way back, back up.

And here I am sitting there in this uber and i'm like why they do in this in may it's graduation season. There's like forty two colleagues and universities. I mean, what kind of a more well, let the city of boston do their construction project.

Just let them. You don't need to get yourself worked up to heart attack levels in the back of a uber, whatever. We question whether we judge one of the council school today IT sult be as no day today, just let them cancel school.

Maybe they know something that you don't know. Maybe there's something going on that you haven't considered. I told you there were so many ways to use this thing, but let's go back to the control and the fact that we need this in the first place.

And the truth is, there are three reasons why you and I need to let them theory. And the first reason is because controlling and ruminating about something, it's a farm of anxiety. That's right. Your need to control things is a form of anxiety.

When you're overbearing on people or your kids, maybe you are that overbearing parent or maybe you're noisy or you can keep your opinions to yourself, or you can stop thinking about something, or you're constantly frustrated with your roommates or with your girlfriend or with your parents, with town politics. This is a form of anxiety because remember, anxiety is an alarm inside you that's going off saying something is wrong. In fact, we leave a lot of people who write into the show who say that their parents were so overbearing on the point of emotional abuse.

why? Well, because of two reasons. Number one, they would probably had a lot of years.

There's a lot of uncertainty. They wanted you to succeed. They wanted you to fit in. They wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did. And so they pushed you and pushed you and push you and push you.

And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love, that if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micro manage you, don't forget your umbrella, don't forget your lunch. Do this, do that be this kind of major that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody. But what you're actually doing is your suffocating people.

The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need to let them theory is because it's easier to focus on other people. You trick yourself into thinking that you're going to be in control if you can control other people. IT doesn't work that way because you can control other people, you can manipulate them, you can guilt them, you can shame them, you can compliment them, you can love them, but you can't control them.

okay? The person that you can control is yourself. And every time you use the let them theory, you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else.

And you turn your back on yourself. I'll give you an example that let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend, okay, and your feelings are hurt. If you sit there and worry about IT, why do you and left me out? I feel left out, always left out.

What did I do? Ba ba, maybe I should text them. Maybe I should say something.

Maybe I should. No, you know, you should do. You should let them go away. You should let them go away. And you should stop focusing on what they're are doing because all this obsessing about IT and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working.

And secondly, it's distracting you for what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself as you're sitting there. Ask yourself, if i'm this upset by IT, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships that i'm the one to organizing these things? That's where the real power is.

And finally, the third reason why you and I engage in this controlling behavior is because IT distracts us from what we don't want to deal with. You know, I stop and think a lot about that situation with oakly in the prom. And yeah, sounds really dumb on the surface.

But when I really am honest with myself, all that controlling was triggered by something much deeper and more emotional that was going on for me beneath the surface. And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that i'm in a new place. And when we got home from that, a pre palm photo party, I turned to Chris and I said, you know.

I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids, and I miss knowing all the parents, and I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers, all grown up in taxes. And I think i'm just kinds sad and i'm controlling where oakly is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home. And so a lot of times, the controlling or the obsessing is triggered, by the way, that you're used to things being and you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this.

I want you to hold on to that example on your mind because as you and I talk more about the specific three ways that you can use the let them m theory, I am certain that what you're going to hear is going to make a huge difference in that area of your life. Or you're grip in that door and you're paddle in upstream and you're fightings in the current and you're tired of IT. Because the truth is you can use the let thum theory for just about anything.

And ninety nine percent of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use to let them theory. I want you to literally say to yourself, my mom and dad don't want to come to thanksgiving, let them. My sister in law doesn't want to go to so and so s baby shower later.

My son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school. Let them. My husband doesn't want to train for this triathlete that i've signed up for.

Let them. My roommates don't want to do dry january with me. Let them stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do.

And so much more peace will come into your life and you will also take that exact same energy and anx and frustration that you were aiming at your going to the avoid to pit, and you will have IT to put tods something else. It's really powerful. And that's why I want to take the time to truly unpack this.

So before I tell you the three different ways you can use this, I want to a give you the three caveat, okay, because I let them. Theory is basically where you're going to go, you know, drop, drop the wars. I'm out.

I'm just gonna you do IT i'm not gonna worry about IT i'm not onna bitching about IT i'm not going to try to control IT, i'm just going to let them okay, that there are three moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up, okay, and I want to cover these off the bed because I know so many of you are gona be like what? So let me just say these three situations of prt. If somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminated against, you do not let them do that.

So for example, if you've got a buddy or family member that had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car. That's not a time to drop the hours and just go with the flow. If you see someone harassing someone or discriminating against someone, speak up.

You don't just let that happen. The second example of where you're not going to just let them do whatever they're going to do, that's where you need to ask for something or you have to advocate for your own rights. And i'm going to give you a really important example about this.

Always negotiate your salary. Do not just let the first offer be what you accept. I'm not cheating about this, and this is really important for you to hear because there was a pure research study that was done this year in twenty twenty three.

Sixty percent of people surveyed said in the past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary. They just let the company pay whatever. Do not do that.

okay? So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things, okay, you gotta step up and you gotta take control in that situation. And finally, if somebody y's continuously acco sin your boundaries, don't let them do that.

If you express them, if you've define them, you need to hold your boundary. Do not let them just walk. All of you like a and one specific boundary that I want a highlight is boundaries that you need when you're the one who's the parent.

Now, I know that I already said something about overbearing parents, but being a parent of three adult children, I see you parents out there and I realized you just can't let your kids blow off school. You can't let them not do their homework or not eat their vegetables or not. How belt around the house. Your job is a parent is to create boundaries, to put up guard rails. So keep doing IT.

The let them theory is what you're going to use when you realize that you're forcing your kids to be a many version of yourself and you're not letting them be themselves like, for example, if they have interests that you don't like, like video games or theater or some sport you've never played, let them, let them express their opinions, let them express themselves, let them do theater instead of foobar, let them major in psychology instead of economics. Because if you don't let them pursue their individual passions, you are sufficing them and you're telling them that who they are, their core is not okay. Another thing you can let your kids do, let them do their laundry, let them have the genes bleed into the switchers and have all that kind of weird bluish grey color, be the color of every piece of they're clothing.

You wanna why? Because your kids are going to figure out really quickly then, like they are closed to look like that. And so when you let them do things the wrong way, they tend to want to learn to do them the right way.

And most importantly, let your kids have their emotions, let them throw a tantrum, let them feel sad, let them not go to the sleep over. They need that space from you. And that's the way you can use the latham theory to put up the guard rails when it's important, but to let them down and to give your kids space when they need space to be themselves.

Alright, with those three giant caveats, you and I are onna. Jump into the first specific way that you can start using the letham theory today. But before we do that, we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you for zero cost. We love our sponsors, so it's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool. And then when we return the three ways you are going to use and let them theory to bring more control and peace back into your life.

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Welcome back. I melt Robins and i'm teaching you a theory called the letham theory. And I just explain that the let them theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramp up the control, you're just wrapped around the axle.

Your nickers are in a pinch. You can't believe so. And so did such, such a or you're just thinking about, why didn't they invite me? What does everybody get together? What does my room always? He was in town.

He didn't call me. Let them, let them. Other people get to be themselves. Other people get to make decisions. The let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety. IT is a way for you to let people be who they are.

IT is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business, and IT is a way for you to create emotional peace and to stop this reflexive need to control your comment on everyone around you. I think about my husband. I used to get so annoyed because the guys are slow processor.

You can almost hear the wheels turning as he about them, and he asks a lot of questions. And I used to drive me fuck in crazy. I just would be like, you just get IT out.

Like, what do you think? And I realized I need him to be that way, because I am moving at the sweet of light. One of us has to have our feet on the ground.

One of us has to be thinking through decisions. One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet. And the things that we're doing are thought through.

And so I used the let them theory to just let Chris be who is and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control them. And IT certainly creates more peace for him. So let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life.

The first one is detached ment. Use the let them theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you get yourself into when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going. This strikes a nerve for all of us know when I looked at the post that we did on instagram, there were ninety eight hundred comments this morning on this thing.

It's only been up for a week. That's how much is struck. And nerve, ninety eight hundred comments in one week. That's incredible. Super a wrote this on instagram.

I've wasted a lot of time, mail and energy, feeling and adequate due to my expectations of other people that hurt. Yet i've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior. It's fuck and hard to be good at this IT requires practice.

We all have trouble with this because of course, you have expectations. Um i'll give you an example. Have you ever gone to a wedding and it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college, you're a certain like period of your life are going to be there.

And you're so excited because you think that you're all gonna seated together and you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are, like in a place to find out where you're sitting and you pull out your car, you're like word table eleven, where you guys like word table three, where table four a word table for and you arise. All your friends are sitting together, but you. And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards.

I make the bridge room wrong. I wanted to IT. Let them, let them. It's their wedding. Let them do what they want.

Instead of feeling heart, stefan bombed instead of look and over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, why the fucking amy with the second ant and the cousins? All I know because I can talk to anybody. I can see IT right now they're sitting.

There's all melon. Chris can talk anybody. IT will stick him over here as i'm looking longingly across the dance floor, and I make IT up there having way more fun.

I met, no, let them. Let the bride room do what they needed to do. Let the friends do what they are needing to do. Just let them.

Because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself as IT actually help you enjoy the what no does IT change for your sitting now. So let them. It's like a form of radical acceptance.

And IT is hard. It's hard because I think we default to holding onto our expectations or holding on to feeling hurt or wrong or having an opinion about how things it's too hot. Why are they doing? IT? Let them.

Let them. If united airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, let them. Who cares that you paid extra for extra legroom? You're still gonna IT let them do what they need to do.

Here's another comment. A friend told me that he was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that he thought that they were supposed to take together. My god, was SHE fixed on IT SHE just couldn't let IT go.

This was the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory. If you heard about the let them theory for all, you know, it's not that they didn't want to go with you. It's that they just need a time alone, so let them take the trip alone.

Why do you have to be so offended about everything? Why do you have to be so fucking and heard about everything, not everything that serious of that deep? Everybody, when you're getting your self worked up about something, you're getting yourself unknown about something.

Let people do what they need to do so that the attachment. And I can give you another example, you know, when I first moved to your mom, we moved here, you know, in march of twenty twenty, say no more. And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years and that limited anybody's ability to visit.

But it's now go on on oakley junior year, and my parents have still yet to visit. And I was really hurt by this and really upset by IT thinking, wait a minute, like he's now a junior in high school, and David, come to see where we live like. And I kept saying, just let them, just let them.

They have their reasons, just keep inviting them and let them. And what I finally realized, ed, because instead of being upset about, I just had a conversation with my mom about IT, is he said, I just don't like that state, and that's why. And he told me the story about how, when he was really little, her parents left at the family farm with her grandmother, and they went to the state of vermont with her older sister to do something related to an eyes surgery.

And while they were gone, my great grandmother drop dead next to my mom. And when my grandparent has her parents came home, one of the first things they said to her is, why didn't you do more to help her making you imagine here that no wonder he hits the state. And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me.

This is about something else. Let people do what they need to do when you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable. Eventually, they come around.

And sure enough, they're going to be here a month. I can't wait, but you've got ta let them let them have the space to sort through their stuff. All right, right now feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word. So let them tell you about their cool products and services. And when we returned, i'm going to share the second way you can use this theory in your own life will will be right back.

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Welcome back, I melt Robins. And today you and I are talking about you'll let them theory. So let's talk about the second way you're gone to use this theory.

And this can be a little tRicky because this is when you really need to take a step back and you gotta let people fail, and you've got ta give people the room to grow, the room to learn and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life. And i'm going to give you a couple examples of this. So when our son was in a fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of boston that focuses on language based learning differences.

So like this lexie disgrazia, that kind of stuff, and i'll never forget. They said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring IT. They're not going to go hungry but don't bring IT because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things.

And if they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never gone to learn that it's in the forgetting, it's in the sting, is in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you, and you create systems and processes to actually do IT. And so if they forget their lunch, let them. If they forget an application deadline for job, let them forget.

why? Because they needed to learn that lesson. And here's the hardest application of this on the planet.

If you have somebody in your life that strugling with addiction, anybody who is doubt with this will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to. If somebody relapses, let them. And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp your life.

Every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money and your loan or money, you know what happens? SHE continues to be terrible with money. Sometimes you need the stack of eleven bounce checks or the lean on the house, which is what happened to Christina.

I back in two thousand, whatever I remember, he asked his brother to allows him some money. And he said, i'm sorry, if me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so be IT. But I can't bail you out.

You ve got to figure out how to do this yourself. why? Because he was responsible for Christ as failure.

Chris was. And he was, wasn't responsible for rescuing him, Chris was. And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves.

And so the next time you get that White phone call from somebody that needs money, or somebody that forgot somebody, or somebody that wants to transfer IT, again, don't control the situation, gear them out and say, if you wanted, do that great. I'll support you by cheering you on. But you're going to have to do the paperwork.

You're gonna to figure out how to get out of debt. You're gonna to come to me when you're ready to get clean you. Ta let them do IT themselves.

And here's one more thing on that. Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow. Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker and more dependent on you.

So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people. But if somebody keeps relaxing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps date in the same toxic fuck in person, let them, because eventually it's not gona work, and then they're gonna come to you and ask for help. And when they do, they'll be ready to accept IT.

It's certainly going to be easier on you and you use that will let them do IT theory. And that brings me to the third way that you're going to use thell. Let them theory.

And this one is really difficult. Let them be themselves when you let somebody just be who they actually are, and you stop trying to make them something else. You realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.

You're not in a relationship with who the person really is, and you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential. And when you let somebody be who they actually are, wow IT allows you to understand who you actually dealing with. When you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be themselves.

And that not only sucks for the other person because there's nothing there's something that feels good about being on the receiving end of that. Don't wear those shoes. You need membra.

Why are you doing that? You should train with that. You should lose some weight. Why you eat, including, come on, won't go to this movie with me.

Why do you have to always do that? That that doesn't feel good? Does IT let them be themselves?

Stop and think, are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are? Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were? And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they would change instead of letting them be themselves.

And if you can catch this, that you're always dating the potential that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve, you'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are. And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens? You see who they really are.

I can think of a lot of relationships that i've been in where I spent a lot of time raping about behaviors I didn't like. When you distract yourself by typing about the fact that they drink to they have a drug problem, or you know they're not as ambitious or you'd like, or you wish they worked out, or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew IT longer, you hate their family. You don't like that thing that they do or the sex is really bad.

You're not really with them. You're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change that your in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's what you're focused on. And when you distract yourself like that, IT keeps you from addressing the reality.

And the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with. You've just kept yourself busy typing about what you wish would change and deluding yourself into thinking that I actually might change. It's not going to you got ta let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone is.

And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need. One way that we try to control other people is through jealous y. And if this is something that you struggle with, you need to let them theory.

If you're jealous of, let's say, your partner spending time with their kids from another marriage, if you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends, if you're jealous of when your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the kids and they're bonding of our, this is a major problem because jealousy in this regard, this is your attempt to control other people. Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that. You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex.

That's important. And it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered. The reason why you feel jealous is your threatened, and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people or that they're not gonna love you if they hang out with those people.

And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more love. But a backfires doesn't IT because you're not present to love. When you're jealous, you're actually present to less control and less love.

So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're onna do and bring more love to the situation by letting them do what they're gonna do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing goal for, spend time on that project they're working on. You're showing them that you love them as they are. It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good.

So a, you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion, jealousy b, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes them happy. And see, ultimately, if you keep tracking this, you're gonna get what you want IT all along, which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accept IT what is. And when you let go and accept what is that person's gonna ve you back more see how this works.

Let them, let them, let people have their emotions, let them have their opinions. You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one way ticket to the end of a relationship. So i'll give you an example.

Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart. Maybe one of you moved away. Maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship.

And the other one single, the patterns of your life is started to change. Hence your relationship starts to change. You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much. And your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed.

I've always been there for you, and you're never there for me anymore because you're so busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this that the other thing, let them have those feelings. You don't need to control what they think. One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen to witness somebody's feelings about something and validated.

That's IT. That's all you need to do. And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling, they are matter you.

They're upset about you. They are frustrated with this. They feel wrong.

They feel hurt. They feel this. They feel that something amazing happens. You learn the skill of being able to attach.

You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into IT. You learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall. I just happened to me this morning.

In fact, I had told her daughter kendall that I would love to do something this morning together. And the morning, of course, came and a lot of stuff happened. And then IT was ten o'clock, and he was going to help me go through some things in my closet.

And SHE started to go, you know, we have to get going on this because we don't get going on this. Really going to be doing that for fifteen minutes. And if we only do IT for fifteen minutes, i'm going to have a fucking and attitude, okay, because i'm going to feel really pissed off about IT.

You know, I did. I let her, I let her have that frustration. IT was so liberating.

I was often engaging in this emotional tugg war with people in my life. They get upset. I'd try to calm down.

Then they get more upset than i'd try to be responsible for what they are upset. Then i'm trying to solve IT then they're doing and just becomes this nobody's letting anybody do anything. We're arguing over how we feel IT is so fucking stupid.

The let them theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have IT and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for IT. IT is such a beautiful thing. When you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else, that gift of not controlling, you know what happens?

You get a gift in return, you get peace and ease back in your life. And here's another way to look at IT. When you're trying to change someone else, you're in someone else is business.

You always want to be in your own business. You always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about IT. I recently went away with a bunch of women that i've become friends with, and we met inside of a much larger group people.

And I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people that they were really bombed and hurt, that they weren't included. And for a minute I felt bad, but I used to let them theory, let them be hurt, let them be bomb, that they weren't invited. It's not my responsibility and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings are okay.

It's my responsibility to take care of myself. And having been on the other side of that story where for years I was so busy working that I let my female friendships just go, I constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things. I was constantly feeling formal that people were out to parties or out to dinner or getting together with their kids, and we weren't included when I feel like that i'm in their business.

The harder thing, when you just let people get together and not invite, you, let people do what they're going to do and not include you, the harder thing is to get back into your business, which is, if this bothers you so much, what are you going to do about a mail? Because what I realized for myself is that, of course, nobody invites anywhere. I'm not prioritizing my friendships.

I haven't thrown a party in a long time. I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years. If I really want more of this in my life, it's not up to meet, to control other people, to make them invite me.

It's up to me to be responsible for creating these experiences. That means i'm now focused on my business, not on trying to control other people's business. Always move toward peace.

Let them do what they're gonna do and you focus on what you're going to do. I can't wait to hear how you use the let them theory. You know, my dog barking, you know, i'm gna do i'm just gonna the dogs bark.

And i'm also going to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create our lives that you love already. I love you. I'm going to let you go do whatever you're going to go do, and i'll talk to in a few days.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. stitcher.

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