What to Do When You’ve Been Cheated On
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Hey, each friend mell, and welcome to a tough love episode of the mell e Robin's broadcast. I know Robins welcome. I'm a new new york times best selling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on change and motivation.

And today, i'm really excited to tell you that we have picked two listeners of the mell Robin's podcast to join me today because they have written in and asked advice about a topic that I unfortunately know a lot about. And that topic is betrayal. And unfortunately, at some point, we all experience IT.

What do you do when you find out that someone you love has cheated on you, or stolen from you, or lie to you, or stabbed you behind your back? Well, today you're going to meet two people that this has happened to, and you're gona learn what to do, and more importantly, how to get your power back. Because you can get your power back.

You gonna learn today that you always have options, no matter how much this betrayal cuts you to the core. And I also going to share stories of betrayal that have happened to me. And so I want to start by thanking both of our listeners today for not only writing in, but for agreeing to come on the show and for allowing me to invite you into their private coaching session.

Because by sharing their chAllenges and you getting to hear the advice in real time, they are really doing the work for all of us to create a Better life. And I want to thank you because we have been blown away by the number of questions and the topics that you keep submitting at ml Robin's dot com. And I also in loving the video questions that you're daming me on instagram, and i'm excited to tell you we have a brand new calling number that you can call at any time and leave a question for me here on the show.

And that number is going to always be in the show notes from now on. And so when you listen to their private coaching session, listen with intention, because whether or in this situation or not, you will get something amazing out of this. There will be an insight that strikes to write to your core.

And this is also one of those episodes that I know you're gonna love having as a resource, because you can share with friends and family when they experience portrayal, and you just want to help them because unfortunately, at some point we all experience IT. And that brings me to the very first question is from sa. And you Better buckle up because this first coaching session, IT takes an unexpected turn near the end hand.

It's a dozy see, Sonia. Listen to the episode called the three lessons I learned during the worst year of my life. And it's usually during the worst moments of your life that you get the biggest lessons.

And so I share this story about how a year ago, at the beginning of twenty twenty two, I found out that somebody that I trusted was in my business dealing for me. They lied to me, to my face over and over and over. They like the team members over and over.

And when I finally figured out was going on, I realized they've been doing this for a long as time. This betrayal knocked me on my knees. I felt so stupid when I first discovered IT.

Then I felt hurt. Then I was serious, and IT was painful. IT was a painful lesson about trust, and IT was also a painful lesson, but a lesson that I needed.

I needed this lesson in order to be able to establish Better boundaries and to level up as a business woman. So you heard me tell the story, and he wanted more. He wanted to learn more.

SHE had more questions to ask. SHE wanted to know, know, how did you handle the person who behave? What did you do? Because he was dealing with a betrayal in her life.

Hi, now i'm Sonia from new zealand.

Hi.

I had. Did you deal with the trials from your friends? Did you confront them and make peace with them in the end? Or can you move on without making peace in some way? And then as you just full your life with people who have much bit of humans.

excEllent question. So um in this particular instance, I did not confront the person mainly because they had loggins to a bunch of stuff related to our business. And I had to first, once I realized this was going on, get the digital business safe and secure.

And so that took a couple weeks and I didn't want to send up any red flags that any issue was going on why we did that. But then I made this decision. I thought.

Why would I confront this person? And what I realized in this particular instance is that I had already pred so much energy into the situation that confronting the person or trying to close the door and tell them what I had figured out, that that would cause so much negative energy in my life that I chose to not say anything and just move on. And here's what I have to say.

I wouldn't necessarily do the same thing in a different situation. I mean, the person that stall all this money for me and damage my business, they were in a different country. So even though I could have hired legal council and I could have gone after this person, when I thought about the time, the energy, the just emotional cost of doing that, he was too expensive to pursue IT.

Sometimes your pizza mind is way more than the money that you would get by confronting something. And that's what I determined for myself. But here's the thing. There's a lot of cases for you personally and for me where the right thing to do is to confront somebody. And there have been situations that i've been in, in the past where I did get a lawyer involved.

So what you have to do whenever you're in this situation where somebody y's betrayed you is you have to ask yourself, what's my goal here? My number one goal is protect my business, protect my peace. Learn this lesson. What's in IT for me? And I trying to fix the person, and I trying to make them wrong, and I trying to repair the situation, and I looking for a gotcha moment.

Do I deserve to make this wrong or right? Do I need to go after them legally? And then you got to ask yourself, what what do I need to say for closure? And should I do this? Because it's gonna me.

Feel confident. And there may be a time in your life where you have to hear yourself say out loud to the person the betrayed you. I know what you did, and I will not have you in my life because I will not around myself with people who do this kind of thing.

And I forgive you, but you're not welcome back in my life as a friend, as a partner. You can just shut the door after that conversation. You can forgive somebody, you can call them out, and you don't have to let them back in. You don't have to give them a second chance. And so IT comes down to what you won out of this.

And if your goal is to stay in the relationship, to use this betrayal as the door that needed to get kicked open, in order for you to face stuff that's not working, if you do decide to stay in the friendship or the relationship, you have to have a conversation. You have to explain that you know what they did and that you know what they're doing is wrong and how their behavior is impacting you and one way that you can set the conversation up. But that's what you're inclined to do because you want to see if you can um repair the relationship or you need to say something in order to feel like you're complete.

As you can say, I need to apologize for something which always kind of makes people feel a little like, oh, what you did something wrong so they are not going to be defensive and then you say, yeah, there's something that's been bothering me and I need to apologize that I didn't come due sooner with this and then you can also say, I take responsibility that is impacting me this way and then explain how their behavior is making you feel. You're not attacking them. You're not telling them they did X, Y, N, C.

You're explaining how it's impacting you. And based on their reaction, you will know whether or not this is somebody that you want in your life. If the reaction is that ridiculous, I didn't mean that A, A, A, A, A, you're being too sensitive, bie, that you do, you got all the information you need.

But if the reaction is I had no idea you felt that way, I feel terrible. Tell me what I can like. That's a friendship that you want to save.

Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. It's something that i've already i've moved on from these people when arrived, shared anything with how any of the reactions made me feel or the the impact ahead of in my life. They just simply and interested yeah.

well, there is all you need to know, right? And so here's the second piece of transformation that I want for you. You're ready. There are patterns in life that repeat until you get the lesson.

And for me, the biggest lesson about this betrayal by this person in business is that when I look back through my life, and I think what other relationships, or friendships, or colleagues, anything, what other relationships, had the same feeling for me as this relationship, I can see a very similar pattern of the kind of person that I was drawn to, or that was in my inner circle, or that know I was a really good friend with. And then all the sudden I realized, oh my gosh, tious person's mean and the gasp behind people's back. And now i'm scared because they are friend of mine.

And like, I don't know how to get out of this, I could see a very distinct pattern. And so maybe the lesson for you goes even deeper, which is not only when some thing is working or feels off to say something, notice somebody's reaction. And that tells you whether or not this is a friendship to lean into or want to pull away from. But the other lesson could be, are their particular personality types or relationship dynamics that draw you in, that turn out to not be good for you?

I feel like i've left learned the lesson because this is with my husband and everything that happened. And so I just, yeah, he keeps s reaching at try and have a friendship going forward. But because of everything that happened, i'm not interested.

Yes, you don't need to have a conversation with somebody in order to have closure. We often chase other people down and we say we want closure. But what we're actually looking for is confirmation or we're looking for some sort of assurance we want to feel Better.

You can do that for yourself if you're very clear about why this isn't working for you and what your boundaries are. And IT sounds to me like you're very clear you don't need to have a conversation. You've already have the conversation and their behavior in IT told you everything you need. no.

Yeah, that's a feeling because anytime I bring anything up about how anything's impacted me, just read brings up all the old stuff again and it's just so hard so I just have to let let them will go and .

just let let my life caron yeah and you also is the request you need to make of .

your husband like.

oh, your excuse me, excuse me so he's he was friends with them. So he's not part of this really.

Now he is. IT was like the stuff that happened that .

ended my marriage. Oh.

with my best friend. H.

so is he with .

your best friend? He is. Yeah, he came out just by sexual, so he's with voice of them.

Wow, yes, that's a lot.

Yeah, I was a lot.

And that's exactly why you don't need to have them in your life.

Yeah.

and you don't know anybody an explanation. Yeah, you deserve peace.

Yeah, it's been really good about so many beautiful new humans in my life and just experiencing of that kind of love, friendship from one new friends, new boyfriend. That's really beautiful.

wonderful. That's great. I'm proud you.

You help you. Thank you.

Well, I appreciate you being here, but you keep the cradd because you did the work.

Thank you very much for you. See.

you are welcome. I'll tell you what there is. No doubt life is always trying to teach you something that is for sure. And I hope that one of the lessons that you learn, not only from my story, but also from the coaching with Sonia, is that you don't need to seek closure from somebody else. You can do that for yourself.

And what I need to say to everybody listening is if you've been broken up with, or if you've got a friendship where the behaviors turned toxic or you've got something going on, you don't need to have a conversation about IT. Their behavior has told you what you need to know if you're still questioning IT have the conversation in the way that I suggested where you apologize for withholding this. You tell somebody how their behavior or lack of behavior makes you feel, and then watch the reaction if they are Carrying and kind, wonderful.

If they're not wonderful, you know what to do. Close the fricking door on that relationship. Do not accept that behavior in your life period, not from somebody that's not willing to do the work to repair this. All right, we got to take a short break to hear a word from our sponsors. But when we come back, we have got a second person that is dealing with betrayal, and this one is even more emotional.

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Welcome back. It's male and i'm so glad to hear because our next question today comes from janne and the reason why I invited jane on the podcasts because there was something about the way he wrote this initial question and SHE wrote to me that, like me, SHE too, had had one of the most difficult years of her life. And I thought now this woman, jane SHE, seems like a person who's going to a put her heart on the line.

I can just sense that about some people. SHE is already to be vulnerable. She's ready to have a breakthrough.

And I sense there was a lot more under the surface here. So jane, I went to welcome you to the podcast. Can you start by just introducing yourself and asking your question again?

So my name stand and I am from pencil ga. I have a lot of difficulty giving myself credit as you suggested that we do um especially this past year which has been just extraordinary ily painful. How can I overcome that?

I love your question. So why is this last year been extraordinary painful?

Um like getting into too much detail. There is some betrayal that happened in my life and it's IT just affected every aspect of who I am. Like I I I question everything now. Like everything I thought I was, everything I thought I could do, like it's all I get always been ripped away and I can't I can't overcome IT.

You can .

overcome and you won't .

at the moment. And let me give you advice about betrayal. okay? And this is really hard to get.

And as somebody who has both been betrayed and who earlier my life was somebody who was the betrayal, I can speak to both sides of this and what I want to say, and this is the hardest thing to grasp, IT has nothing to do with you. What that person did in your life has nothing to do with you. IT has to do with their pain.

IT has to do with their neurochemistry IT has to do with their coping mechanisms, their trauma, their disfunction, their pain. IT doesn't make IT any easier when you're on the receiving end of IT say and just repeat IT literally has nothing to do with me. This is a very hurt and lost person who is coping with that hurt and that loss in an incredibly destructive way. But in no way, shape or form does their bullshit determine whether or not unlovable, or whether or not I trust people, or whether or not i'm good enough. They have revealed a very broken side of themselves that they have chosen to escape nm, deflect all of IT instead of facing IT in the mirror.

And it's really .

hard because you've got ta go through a process of grieving what you thought I was in order to have yourself on hook for IT because what you're actually grieving right now, and i'm just going you haven't given me any details, but i'm just going to you talk for my own experience. You're grieving the future that you thought was gonna happen and you're grieving the reality of what you thought was going on.

Yes.

and that's incredibly destabilizing. And so you got to give yourself time, i'd say, a year. To really just move through the anger the p stops, is the heart the, how could they have done this? How could I not have seen this? How could they have lied all of IT? And then at some point you're gonna hit this saturation point, were you soaked up so much of the misery that you will no longer want to feel IT. And the only thing that will help you like a sponge square ze that should out your being is when you say, wow, I actually feel sorry for that person. I feel sorry that they're so screwed up that their only way to cope with that is to either cheat or lie or steal or whatever because it's easier than facing the truth.

Yeah.

some people are so scared. Of disappointment or upset or pain that they are willing to drag the smoke, drink or fuck their way through life. Because the momentary rush of doped that you feel when you sort cocaine or you have an orgasm or your floating with somebody in secret or you're stealing, that relieves you of the deep pain that you're feeling.

That's why people do that .

and you were hurt. He didn't deserve IT. But i'll tell you what else you don't deserve. And you shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who is not willing to face such a, who is not willing to heal with you, who is not willing to do the work. And so, you know, i'm being tough with you because this person already got how many years of your life. In my opinion, if two people are willing to do the work, any relationship can come through and be stronger, even in the face of betrayal, no question, but only if both of you are willing to come to the table and do the work together, you to forgive and the other person to face their shit that LED to this. And if .

they're .

not.

then all you can .

do is grieve what wasn't and grieve the future you thought you were gonna have, and take a hefty amount of empathy to feel sorry for somebody that this is who they are as hard as IT is. And at some point to truly, honestly be grateful that all this crap got revealed so that you can move forward with somebody who's healthy and somebody i'm referring to with you.

Yeah, I like that.

And one of the thing, even though this has nothing to do with you, when you look across the fourteen years, there are probably things that you can see where you let outside .

or you didn't say .

what you really meant.

I blame myself when I when I look back and kind of the sessions of those things like I, I, I do find things that I have let slide. So then I I blame myself for letting you go.

No, it's just a lesson. And sometimes lessons we learn easier and sometimes we need that chAmber. And this is a slide hammer. And so as you move forward in your life, whether you do so on your own or you do so, you know, working through this with somebody, one of the things to do is not to blame yourself.

It's to say, oh, I now know that I will never do this again, that when I feel a certain way I won't be silent, when I have a hunch, I won't talk myself out of IT, that when i'm being disrespected, I will dress IT. And that's what you're learning from. This is one of the thousand things you're about to learn from this.

And one other thing I want to tell you. Is I promise you. The road ahead.

You got the best years of your life I had you. You do. And I think you know.

that. I, I, I, I want to know that. I want to think that it's just then I get into my head, and that's kind of where I live.

What's the thing that you say that tortures you the most?

They are not good enough. But IT happened because .

I am not good enough.

not pretty enough, not been enough. 好的。

As I feel. Do you want a different story? I do great. I want a different story for you too because there's a very different interpretation of this whole thing, you know. And i'm going to tell you what IT is after the break.

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Welcome back, I ml. Robins. And today, we are coaching listeners who have experienced betrayal. And unfortunately, as we're learning, this is a topic that I have a lot of experience in.

And we were just talking with jane, and I was explaining the fact that one of the most important steps that you need to take as you gotto start telling yourself a different story about what happened. And so here's one, jan, that I want you to start telling yourself. IT happened because he's an asshole who has a lot of trauma, who doesn't want to face IT and who's been avoiding IT.

And we also know who will likely do the same thing to the next person if he doesn't face IT. Now because people who avoid that hard things, the pain they are feeling or the trauma that they experience when they were little, when people use avoidance as a coping mechanism, guess what they continue to do to avoid? And again, this is where IT comes down to the fact that this has nothing to do with you.

And I know that hard to grasp, I really do. But I want you to start to tell yourself the story that this has nothing to do with me. This has to do with his shit.

This has to do with him not having the coping mechanism, such a faces pain. And this is a wake of call. That's what this is. IT has nothing to do with me.

I do want to be clear that he is trying to own his crap. Is just me living in my head. And like I know, that part of me knows that it's not my fault, that it's not that i'm not good enough in all of the things that you said. It's just a like i'm a highly instead of person. I'm an impact and idiot t like all of those things and I just it's me trying to overcome those things for me.

And then let me give you a different interpretation and a different story because youtube are trying to work together through this. Yeah, great. And let me tell you why I think that's great. I don't know a single .

couple that .

has gone through something horrible. And look, Chris, i've gone through horrible stuff. I don't know a single couple who spends time in therapy and works through IT who doesn't come out on the other side and say I wish I hadn't worked on IT, right? But I do know a number of people that have gotten divorced ed that wish they had tried to work through IT.

And so working through IT matters not so you can stay together, but IT matters because if you don't stay together, you will be Better. No parents and friends, and that's important. But the likelihood is if you're both willing to gun to the table and he in particular is willing to do the work, then the odds in your favor and you will come through this stronger.

So the story I want you to tell yourself is this, what if. He did this because I was the only way he could stay in the marriage, because he was feeling so lost and so depressed. And so whatever.

That he was the one who didn't feel good enough and its not about you or the other person being thin or whatever else that he was at a point in his life that he lost who he was and he might as well have been having sex with a quick dinner plate for crying out loud because it's not about the other person, it's about him chasing an old version of himself. And if there's a dynamic in your relationship where he thinks he's fAiling or he thinks he's not good enough, that's what this is about. It's about you not being good and about him not measuring up for you.

Yeah, I like that story a lot Better.

And you know, I also, I like a lot Better that IT was sex or an emotional connection and not heroin.

And I kind of prefer the .

Harry and I think right now you would yeah. Because we wanna make this stuff about us. Of course I hurt you. Of course it's devastating. And one of the biggest things you will learn from this, if you allow yourself to, is you learn that forgiveness only happens when you stop wishing things were different. And that you can love somebody .

profoundly .

and at the same time do shed that hurts .

them profound me.

And that through the act of understanding what happened and really allowing yourself to be in a space where you can hear how broken, hurt, lost, whatever regretful, whatever the feelings are. You will truly connect with this person at a level you never have.

Yeah.

and this is not easy. IT will be worth at regardless of what happens. And the more tell yourself is nothing new with me is about him being broken. It's about him not measuring up. It's about him needing to escape these feelings instead .

of dealing with them. yes.

And IT takes a lot of courage on both reports to face this.

And if you guys can get to a point where you understand what happened and you keep the lines of communication open and you keep going to therapy, you'll have a stronger marriage than ninety nine percent of the people out.

Yeah like appearing that that's what .

i'm holding onto. Yeah you ve got, you ve got. You're on the bridge. I love using this metaphor that all changes a ridge. And this happens to be one that's bad as long as the chest of peak bay ridge. And it's a suspension bridge, which means when the winds pick up a blows and IT will get Better and IT will get in the review mere.

And by going to therapy together, whether you stay together or IT ends up not being what you want, you will have such a Better understanding of yourself and an understanding of what happened, that you won't Carry the resentment and the self blank because is not about you. IT has nothing to do with you. In fact, in the best of all scenario, what you're going to learn is that when somebody feels inadequate or that they they failed you. IT has more to do with .

how much they love you as .

screwed up as that sound.

That's hard for me to follow.

Ask your .

therapies. Yes.

I don't know the details of what happened, but I just am trying to tell you that if he didn't love you, he would have left.

When you look at what the experts say about affairs, psychotherapist aster perl SHE is a new ork times by selling author. She's the expert on why people, even people who are still in love, spouses. And what aster says over and over again is that affairs are often people searching for parts of themselves that they feel that they've lost.

That's what they are and they're not fair and they're not right. And you don't deserve this. And he's very fucking lucky that you didn't just stand IT because you both have a chance to grow from this.

Now if you're willing to work on IT and you said that he is trying to own his crap, and that's a good thing because the other reason why people have affairs is they have affairs because of pasta ma, because of addiction and the affairs and the dopamine rush is an escape from a very painful life or a very painful existence. It's just like an addiction to drugs to born IT is a way to come out. And so I am glad that he hasn't left. I am glad that he is trying to on his crap, and I am glad that the two of you are going to turn to each other and try to grow through this yeah and .

that's a gift .

even though IT doesn't fuck and feel like one you want to on rap.

yes.

You're on the bridge. Just keep crossing the bridge .

and trust that .

when you get to the other side, it's gona be a way Better than you can imagine.

So thank you.

You're welcome.

You're gonna OK .

just let yourself feel this IT did like that's what you got to do and the thing that I also wanna tell you .

is like when you .

get passed, like write all out, like you probably pass the lashing out part and screaming, but maybe not I don't know .

but yeah I yeah .

like I just allow yourself to be a little human and .

now that you're kind .

of through that part, keep steering yourself toward, okay, how do I understand what happen? How do I create a space for healing? How do I forgive what happened like that? The north star, because where do you stay together? Especially we we staying together.

But even if IT ends, I don't want you to Carry this resentment or this lack of trust into what happens next. Heal this for yourself. And if the marriage is the right thing for you, you'll know.

yes.

Thank you for being so honest with us and vulnerable.

Thank you very, very much. Thank you. You have no idea how much you have just helping things fight for thinking you're .

welcome and you're continuing to do IT. And you know I think sometimes too, this is happening because you're not supposed to have that kind of shit going on in your life. That is, you level up your own standard for yourself.

What's amazing, as all of the crap that's not working comes to the surface. And that's because you're not supposed to have a life that's out of integrity. That's not what you want. That's not what you stand for. And sometimes bringing things into integrity means a lot of shit comes to the surface and you got ta get a shovel.

yeah.

You are gonna be just fine. You're not only gonna fine, you're gonna happy and you're gonna be stronger because of this. And you're gonna have a deeper capacity for love. And you are going to surprise yourself.

Yeah, no, I have. I already have for sure.

name one thing that .

has .

surprised you about yourself or that you're proud of. Because I want somebody that at the beginning of this kind of breakdown to hear somebody further across the bridge.

I am very surprised. I had no idea how strong I really am. And you you hear that all the time. You know you don't know how strong you are until you it's time to be strong. So honestly, if there .

is anybody just .

believe in yourself, just IT, you're stronger than you think you absolutely are.

yeah. Is anything else that surprised you as you've navigated this?

嗯？ Honestly, my ability .

to kind .

of try to be compassionate, i've always been you know of the mindset you know I I won't say in a relationship where there was infidelity. It's just it's not I am going to work and then you're in the situation and it's completely .

different .

than anything you thought I .

would be but just .

be able to overcome. I mean, like I I I know I really said being I am so much stronger than I thought and that battle I after my days and like I just like great, great gratitude I say that to myself all day long just learning to show myself Grace um finding things to be grateful for and keep in my head down and just just keep bowing go to the therapy, do the hard work yeah .

all of .

the things great great and gratitude .

we are crossing the bridge in the fog in a rainstorm yes and here's what I also want you to be proud of. You are compassionate because you have a very deep capacity to love yeah and part of loving is also being able to accept and understand. Someone else now that doesn't mean condone that doesn't mean you're responsible for IT. That doesn't mean that you're making excuses for IT but attempting to understand somebody else's pain yeah and .

bringing .

compassion to something that somebody is dealing with even though their disfunction profoundly broke your heart. That's an act of love. That's why you're going to be OK. I love you.

I love you.

Thank you are welcome.

Can we just take a minute and collectively sense some positive energy and some gratitude at sonya? I am just, i'm proud of them, and I appreciate what IT took to come and talk to me about this deeply personal thing. I mean, this is not easy stuff.

This is what people are dealing with and not talking about. And so I so appreciate Sonia and jane for sharing everything that they shared and being open to going even deeper than they thought they probably would. And if you had a light ball moment, I hope that you will take whatever insight that you gained, and you will find the courage and the confidence to apply the advice that ran true for you.

And there may be somebody in your life who's going through something very painful right now. And it's been very hard for you to figure out what to say to them. Don't worry, that's where your friend mell Robins comes in.

I'm always here is your friend and theirs. I'll be here to give you a push to share my experiences, my winds, my heart breaks so that you know you're not alone in this. I'll also tell you the truth and i'll probably give you a little bit more tough love than you're ready for. But that's why we do this podcast twice week. It's not just for listening, it's for doing because at some point you're going to have to do something that scares you or you're going have to do something different to create a Better life and the life that you deserve.

And one more thing, in case no one else tells you, i'm going to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to face the really hardship that goes down in life, to call people out, or to silently, confidently, just close the fuck indoor and move on and learn the lesson. Because it's in doing these things every day that you create Better. You and you create a more meaningful life, a Better life, a trust in life, life that you love already.

I'll see in a couple days.

Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented sollie for educational and entertainment purposes. IT is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapy or other qualified professional. stitcher.

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