Smoke Alarm
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True Story Media. Some names and details have been changed. This episode contains mature themes and can be difficult for some listeners. Please see the show notes for details and resources. So I got a message from a woman named Lou. Fuck that guy. Very scary stuff to think that humans are capable of creating such multiple levels of manipulation and careless but careful chaos to those around them.

I was in a similar situation with a guy who I now know to have gone under other aliases, identities. So I had some time to kill. My friend was taking me for lunch because I had gotten engaged like two weeks ago. So I lit a smoke and went for a walk. And I walked past this barber shop and there he was in the window trimming someone's hair like...

You probably think this story is about you. I'm Brittany Yard. This story belongs to Lou.

That was the first time I actually sat down with my partner and I was like, so maybe this is why I had that reaction.

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Restrictions apply. See terms at sportsbook.fanduel.com. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. This is Lou. She lives in Ireland, and she reached out to me after the release of the first season. Lou is talking about a reaction that she had when she was arguing with her current boyfriend.

When he raised his hand to scratch his ear during this argument, she cowered. And both of them were surprised by that reaction because they did not have any violence in their relationship. And this was something that she wouldn't have expected herself to do. He was like, I've never laid a hand on you. Why would you have that reaction? It definitely wasn't anything he's done. And he never, never. I remember we were driving somewhere.

You know the way they say it's easier to tell someone something when you're driving because you're not looking at them. I told my partner and he was so stupid. He was like, you've got butterflies. I was like, no, these are not butterflies. These are like giant stabbing, jumping around frogs. I survived a relationship with John. That's the moment when Lou realized she needed to get closure on her relationship with John from 10 years before.

Some of the responses from last season were people wanting to fit my trauma into a neat and tidy box that has this beginning, middle, and end. I just had a relationship with a narcissist. My sister passed or the death of my grandma. None of those are the most sensational things to happen.

But my story is not just the outcome of what those traumas did to me, but how I lived my life after. There's no beginning or end to the things that affect us in our lives. Our ability to connect is rooted in stories. I just want to learn. Yeah, I'm the youngest of four. Grew up in a normal household, mom, dad, grandparents.

My three siblings, my grandfather would have been like the worst father possible and would have been very physically abusive with the kids. And consequently, my dad was physically abusive. My grandfather actually turned out to be the most amazing grandfather that ever there was, ever. So it was like he got a second chance with the kids that maybe he didn't have to put up with 24 hours a day and whatever.

He was just amazing. Generational trauma is so complicated. In Lou's case, her grandfather wasn't the best dad to her father, but he really stepped in and gave Lou the care and support that she needed to thrive when she was growing up. And Lou and her dad struggled in their relationship sometimes. And it sounds like her grandfather probably felt

understood that part of that was on him and really took Lou under his wing to mend that. So he was my protector in an odd circle, full circle. He would always jump in and sort of show up at the most random times when I'd be getting in trouble.

I was three days old when he first took me out for coffee. Well, obviously I wasn't having coffee. But yeah, like straight out of the hospital, just can I have her? And that was it all the way up until I was 18. I kind of like took the piss out of him a lot, which like the other kids maybe didn't. And we had this kind of special relationship where like,

You know, even the last thing I said to him was I held up my hand like this on his car. And I was like, that is the amount of space I can find on your car without a scratch. Like this is not a bumper car. He was just my number one supporter. There was nothing I couldn't do. And when I did mess up and I did, he was always there.

You know, I'd run out of petrol and he would come put petrol in my car and then hide like a five-year-old note somewhere in my car and not tell me. And then the next time I run out of petrol, he's like, yeah, I knew this would happen. It's hidden in your glove box. It's like, I knew you wouldn't learn. She just knew that she could count on him for anything. And even when she didn't know she needed him, he already anticipated and was there for her. And I

Granny used to do the exact same thing for me. Even when I didn't realize that I was struggling, Granny would just come in with this amazing advice or $100 because I had outstanding parking tickets and I couldn't renew my tabs. He was perfect up until the day, like he didn't move into a nursing home. He didn't stop driving. He was 92, but he was completely cognitively perfect.

So he rang my uncle, who he lived with, at like 11 o'clock. And he was like, oh, just don't worry about me. I'll be home late. And he was like, yeah, where are you? He was like, oh, just the hospital. And he was like, fuck's sake. So he drove in, was like, see this man, he's 92. He's got chest pain. Come on. So they checked him out where they said, you're fine, but don't drive home. So my uncle drove him home. He went to bed, got up the next day. My uncle...

left and said, do not leave this house. I know you want your car, but just rest. And he was like, oh yeah, I got it. So he left within like 30 minutes of my uncle leaving and went in to get his car, we assume, but we don't know where he went. He was found the next day in the back garden with that day's newspaper in his hand. So we know he survived until the next day, but we don't know where he was.

He had had a heart attack and just gone. Now, it was nice for him to go that way. He wouldn't have wanted to lose his independence. But it was still not great. You know, wandering around, ringing hospitals, all that kind of stuff. And I had a good circle of friends who knew what he meant. And they called and they said, hey, we're all down in the pub. We're waiting for you. And I was like, I don't want to go out. And they were like, yeah, you do. Come on, let's go. So I was in the pub a lot for the following couple of months.

My friends were all in college. I was not. And so I was they were going out like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights till like 2 a.m. for two euro drinks. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to. So it was a bit of a haze. Like I was I was really lost because he was the only person that ever fully like believed I was just I was just the best thing ever.

I take so many photographs of everything now and videos because I was left with so little because at the time I know it's really morbid. But I want my child to have as much evidence as possible to hold on to because, you know. I don't think it's morbid. I think it's amazing. It's one of the pluses of all the technology that we have today is that there's just so much that you can have and, you know, look back on.

So his voicemail was his name. Please leave a message. Which button? What? I just loved it. So it was the only piece of his voice that I had left, really. So I used to just ring it until they disconnected the phone just to hear it.

Granny's death was unexpected and it happened so quickly. There were text messages and an email that I had gotten from her right before she passed. And I think I probably read them

a million times until my phone broke and I had to get a new phone and lost them. But the last email I got from her was meant to be a text message, but she had sent it as an email on accident. And so the formatting was super weird. And when I responded to it, she's like, why are you emailing me? And it's like, well, because you emailed me first. And she's like, I did not. And there were times when I called and just wanted to hear granny's voicemail because she

It was something that I had heard for years. Her voicemail had been the same forever. I was really sad when they shut off her phone.

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Goodmoney.com slash Britney. It was like standing on a chair and someone just rips it out from under you. Because you were like, I was like, oh shit, how do I believe this by myself? And that's when I met John. So I was going out and I was messy. This is the time when you brought cameras with you. You've had a digital camera and then you go home and upload 250 photos to Facebook.

I kept going out with these friends of mine and this friend of mine was like, you are a disaster. You lose everything all the time. So just give me your bag and you won't lose me. We will stick together. And I was like, yeah, I got it. And then before I knew it, it was like 2am and I couldn't find him. So we got kicked out, like, you know, the closing time. And he was nowhere to be seen. I couldn't even get payphone. I had like nothing.

So I was stumbling around the streets of town, crying. And you know, when you're drunk, everything is just that much worse.

Yes, yes, I do. Yeah, I spent five hours crying in bed last night drinking wine with the... Do you get water? I don't know. It was very much the, I'm going to be alone forever. And then I did realize that I forgot to put my estrogen patch on. So I think it might have just been hormonal. So...

I know exactly yeah I know exactly how you feel yeah um so and I was sitting on the I think I was sitting I was walking and he stopped and he was like are you okay I'm not gonna I don't want to alarm you but are you okay and I was like no I love my friends and I can't find them I want to say six foot four and I'm five foot two so that's a lot

Really long jacket, less Pink Panther, more hot bodyguard. And he was just really like gentle giant. He was like, look, you can use my phone. Do you know their numbers? And I was like, yeah, I do. And I couldn't get through to them straight away. And he said, well, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to make a move or anything, but I'll walk you towards the police station.

When John first meets Lou, and Lou is in this vulnerable position where she's lost her friends, she doesn't have her phone, he comes in as this knight in shining armor, but even in their first interaction, he's...

giving clues as to how he is manipulating her because he's saying things like, I'm not going to hit on you, but you're beautiful. But I'm not going to make a move and you shouldn't trust me. But here, trust me, I'm going to take you, you know, to the police station and get help. And that roller coaster is what trips up our brain initially where we're

You're like, oh, no, he's a good guy because he said you need to be safe and you don't know if I'm safe. And we think that means that they must be safe because they're acknowledging it. And then that way you can make a call there or you can arrange to meet them there. And it's a safe space.

"You shouldn't trust me because you just met me, so let's go there." He walked me there and he was like, "Oh, I am definitely not going to make a move. You're so beautiful, but I'm not going to make a move. I want to make that really clear because you're vulnerable and you're drunk." And then just as I had found my friends and I was getting into the taxi, he was like, "But you can buy me a drink to say thanks." So I did. We had texted a little bit, but he didn't like texting. He liked phone calls and my generation doesn't like phone calls.

He was 25 and I was 19. So that's a big gap for that age. And I think my friends were a little bit like, is this a good idea? I think actually one of them followed me into town. He was going for a drink with someone and he was like, look, I'm just going to go sit nearby to just make sure you're okay. And it was like a week later, I think. And I drove to the bar and...

He had a lot of points and it went from there. He was very complimentary, very gentlemanly, very articulate, which is something that boys or men my age wouldn't have been necessarily. It would have been like, oh, you're hot. You know, whereas he was very complimentary around everything. Like your mind is amazing. You're blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I was just baboozled like, he's so smart and mature and

Like, this is amazing. And the whole six foot four thing was very helpful. Again, this this thing of like, oh, I really want to take you back to mine, but I'm not going to because I want to take this slow and I'm a gentleman and you're so amazing. So he sort of made everything seem like your idea, like it's your choice. You know, I'm not going to do this. So, you know, if you want to, I guess I will.

Kanan did a lot of those same things. When we were first having our dates, he would say things like, I'd love to have you come over to my house, but I don't want to go too fast. Like, I don't want you to feel pressure, you know, but if you want to, we don't have to do anything, but you could come over. But then his actions, like when I went to his house for the first time, were very calculating in terms

maneuvering me into a situation that became sexual very quickly. Danielle had the same experience with Kanan as well, where he was like, we're going to take this slow. And then she was the one who felt like she was making that choice. It's just so crafty. Yeah, because the first time I stayed in his house, again, it was like, oh, I'm not going to ask you to stay. And definitely, like, it's up to you. And I was like, well, I really want to. John...

used the way in which he presented his side to give Lou this false sense of security in her own ability to make choices but also her

in not feeling that direct pressure from him. But there still is that underlying manipulation that happens that he's going to get what he wants and she's going to believe that it was her decision the whole time. It's why gaslighting becomes so effective. It was all very much like, oh no, you're in control. But like I wasn't. And the longer the relationship went on, the less I was.

Like I was completely not. As Lou and John's relationship progressed, she kept a lot to herself. She was living with her parents at the time. Lou's friends weren't particularly fond of him. And so she was a little isolated in that relationship.

If you have to keep something a secret or the people that know you or care about you don't feel comfortable with that person, it's such a huge red flag, but it also furthers the ability for this person to control you.

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So we lived on opposite sides of the city, like the very furthest. He didn't drive so much. I didn't know at the time, but he wasn't legally allowed to. He was caught for driving under the influence. And then he was given like a five-year ban or something and he ignored it and drove and ignored it and drove. So he just didn't listen to what he was told. So I did all the driving plus driving.

I was 19 living at home with my parents and I was not bringing him home. So I would say to my mom on a Friday night, I'm going off to Sarah's see you Sunday. And that would be it. Because it took like nearly an hour to get there. So when I got there, it was just staying put. We were in his house quite a lot. We didn't go out much. His mother lived in the house and I knew her. She was like the anxious type, if you get me, like kind of like highly strung.

He was the boss in that house and he shouldn't have been. Like he would get angry and throw all of her pots and pans into the garden and she'd just be like, oh, please stop. He'd take her car without asking when he was not allowed to drive at all. Just stuff like that. Like he wasn't nice to her at all, which now, massive red flag. But then 19, probably not a big fan of my own mother anymore.

Hindsight in relationships is brutal because when you have a chance to step out of it, you really see how many red flags there were or how many things you dismissed to make that love work. At what point in the relationship did it start becoming volatile?

So he was texting this girl. The phone kept pinging and I was like, who is she? And he was like, oh, she used to rent a room here in the house. So it was a three bed house and it's quite normal to rent out a bedroom. And I was like, OK, well, why are you texting her now? And he was like, oh, we used to sleep together. And I was like, OK, so why are you texting her now? And he was like, oh, we're swing partners. And I was like, what?

And he was like, yeah, so we're still having sex. And I was like, oh, good. And he was like, no, no, no, you can't be mad about this. And I was like, yeah, I can. A man cannot go to a swing party on his own, but a female can. So he was using her to go to parties so she didn't have to go on her own and he could still be in the community. And that's why he was fucking her while we were together.

And then he said, well, like, I've been like this my whole life. If you can't deal with that, then, you know, I was swinging before I met you. But he never mentioned it before, which you would think that would come up. It's kind of a big part. Yeah. And usually it's something you do with your partner. Like, it's usually a decision that you and somebody make.

So eventually I was like, yeah, OK, well, yeah, you were like this before we met. And who am I to change you? And you are so right. Lou didn't find out until well into their relationship that John lived this swinging lifestyle, which if that is what you do and you and your partner have agreed, then there's nothing wrong with it.

But when you don't communicate that with your partner and then kind of in the middle of a relationship drop in that, oh, I'm a swinger. We're going to go to this party and you just have to be okay with it. That isn't care and communication about different sexual desires that you have at all. It's so manipulative for him to say, you can't change me. This is who I was before I met you.

People that I know that are in the swinging community, this is not how you treat your partner. And this is not how you handle situations like this. And he brought me to a party. I mean, I don't know if you've seen programs on it or anything. Like there's just willies everywhere and condoms and lube. And then he went off and left me.

I don't know where he went. He promised me he wouldn't do anything, but I wasn't going to follow him because I was petrified. A friend was in at a gig close by and she rang me and she was like, are you in town tonight? And I was like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. I'm at a swing party. She's like, what the? So she was like, firstly, can I come? And secondly, we're going home. Let's go. And then there was New Year's when we spent New Year's together. We went into town.

The pubs closed. He was like, oh, I have friends at a party nearby. And there was this girl dancing. She said she had like a six month old son or something. And I said, oh my God, you look incredible to have a, you know, a six month old son. And he was like, stop fucking talking to her. She will, she knows that I swing and she's going to think you're trying to come on to her. I was like, but I'm not, I'm just telling her she's beautiful. Like she's, she's your friend. And he was like, no, they know me and they'll interpret it wrong and blah, blah, blah.

So I was annoyed and I went to leave and my bag was in a bedroom. So I went to get my bag and he pushed me into the bathroom and shut the door. And I was like, what are you doing? Like, I want to leave. And he was like, no, you're not leaving. And I was like, no, just like, calm down. I just want to go home. It's fine. We'll talk tomorrow. Like it's probably 2am again. Um,

And he hit me and I sat on the edge of the bath and I just, there was a bath in the bathroom and I just froze. And I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to aggravate him more. But equally, I had nowhere to go. Like the door was locked. He moved in some way and I went to go for the door and he pushed me into the bath, backwards into the bath. And it really hurt. So eventually, I can't remember the full detail, but I managed to get away.

And that friend who was holding my bag the night I met him, I rang him and I was like, I'm stuck. And he was like, where are you? And I was like, I don't know. And I didn't, I genuinely didn't. Like I hadn't a clue because I had never been in this area before. I still to this day don't know where I was. And my friend, who was amazing, jumped into a taxi and he was like, okay, talk to me. Tell me what you can see. I'll talk to the taxi driver. He drove around for like an hour trying to find me. And he did. And he took me home. And, uh,

And then a couple of weeks later, I was straight back over to John. And he was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I don't know. He used a lot of the phrases that I now hear and I will not tolerate. And even I said to my daughter, I said, why do you make me tell you everything three times? And I was like, she's not making me. Like, you know, you made me do this. You made me mad. And that's why this happened. And this is your fault. And I

So, you know, it's not my fault. You just made me so mad and I had no control over it. And it's just because I love you so much. And that's how I get so upset. And I'm so sorry. Honestly, I wouldn't. I didn't mean to hurt you. It was an accident. Dumbass went back. It's not being a dumbass. It's being in that moment and trusting that person that it was, you know, a one off and also trusting.

being in a position where you love someone. After this incident, John's rage increased, followed by infinite I'm sorry's and I love you's. It creates this cycle where your cortisol levels are just so spiked, it's nearly impossible to make a rational decision. It's almost like you start to numb your

your own self. And that's when you stop trusting your own thoughts and reactions. And you're just trying to keep the peace in your home, in your space and, and get back to the good parts. Because at one point it was good. You start believing that it's your fault.

We went to a funeral in the countryside. He was in this biker group on the line and one of the guys had died so they wanted to do a guard of honor, I think, all the way up to the grave. Usually we do it with like pearls like that but it was bikes. And there was drinks after the funeral and then more drinks and then back to his friend's house nearby.

And his friend had said, look, stay here for the night. Like, don't drive home. He probably knew that your man was prone to having a few drinks and getting in the car. I wasn't. It was his car. I wasn't driving his mom's car.

We had a fight in the car because actually he was like, we're going home. And I said, no, you've been drinking. I'm not going home with you. I'm going to stay here. And he was like, this is my friend's house. You can't stay here. And I was like, I'm not driving an hour and a half with you drunk. Like, I'm just not. So he pulled out the glove box of the car and threw it at me in the passenger seat. I got out of the car and I ran back towards his friend's house, which is kind of scary because it was the middle of nowhere and it was his friend. So I was like, 50-50 chance here.

And I got nearly to their front door and he pushed me over so hard into the ground that I had to pick pieces of gravel out of my back, like my skin in my back. His friend and his friend's wife let me in and they were like, what are you doing? Like, get away from him.

And I was like, you're his friend. And they were like, no, get away from him. You are young. You are gorgeous. You are far smarter than this asshole. Get away from him. Yes, he's our friend, but no, like no. So obviously I just put my earplugs in, decided not to take any of their advice. I think we actually may have driven home like an hour later in the car. Same again. Woke up the next morning. I'm so sorry I didn't mean it.

Lou and John were together for about a year and a half, from the time when she was 19 to nearly 21. It kind of got to the stage where he was drinking, like, nearly having beer in his cornflakes. Like, it was wake up, have a can. It was just all day, every day. And the smell, even when my partner has a beer now, I'm like, brush your teeth. And he's only having one. Not the 25 that he would have had, but the smell. That stale beer smell.

Like I had given him money, I'd lent him money and he had access to my bank account. Like I gave him, because that is who I was at the time. I was like, here, take it all. Like my dad was the same. I think I just kind of got tired of it eventually. He left me at a gig. And again, a friend of his was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, oh, it's fine. And the friend got me on a bus back to London.

Dublin. And then he was like, okay, so you're going home now. And I was like, well, my car is in his house. Lou did leave and she moved on with her life. I closed everything up. So I put up really big walls, like really, really big walls. Lou began dating someone that she had known since she was 15. That's now her husband. My partner now, I'm fairly sure I've loved since I was like 15. Like there's a sign that

right behind the laptop and it says, it was always you. Like it's a poster I bought him. And it just is. About 10 years had passed before Lou saw John again in the barbershop on that afternoon when she went to meet her friend for lunch. She didn't expect to react the way that she did. Growing up, like you weren't allowed to cry. Crying is self-pity. And when you're crying, you're only thinking about yourself and it's selfish and

It's taken me like 35 years to get out of that. I'm less likely to cry over physical pain because I wasn't allowed to as a child. So if I hurt myself, I'm more likely to curse and walk off than to cry. But when she saw him... My heart stopped. My body screamed. Just, you know, you can feel it. You think it's going to pop out. She realized that she had not healed from his abuse. I had a lot of processing and I had two more deaths in the family.

And I think I was holding up all of these plates and all of a sudden they all just had to drop. And then I had to pick them back up and put them back together in a different way. But he'd laying pretty dormant every so often. I would look him up on social media or his mom to see, could I see anything? But nothing. I began to think, where is that fucker? Coming up in the next chapter of You Probably Think This Story Is About You. So that's when I reached out to the girl.

I think for the two of us, it's not just our story. Our stories are kind of intertwined. You can support the show by joining us on Patreon. Episodes are available early and ad-free. That's patreon.com slash Brittany Ard. Or find a link below in the show notes. Our executive producer is Brittany Ard. Our senior producer and editor is Sydney Gladue.

Sound engineering by Sean Simmons. Graphic design by Najela Shama. Opening theme by Youth Star and Miscellaneous. You Probably Think the Story's About You is a production of BDE Unlimited Productions. You can follow Brit for updates at britney.ard on all social media platforms. If you like what we're doing, don't forget to hit that follow button wherever you're listening to this podcast right now. And also, give us a rate or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.