ep 128 Why Are Social Skills Important Especially for ESL Speakers
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hi everyone welcome back to another episode of coffee corner today is your episode 129

So let's talk about social skills in this video. It's really interesting that I don't have much of social skills actually. I'm very antisocial. But I've noticed some of the problems in my class and I realized how important education is and how education can bring you a lot of skills. And one of the skills is social skills that will help you communicate and get things done.

I remember a long time ago, I saw a comment on a social platform. This person basically said that there's no need for social skills that you when you want to get things done, especially at a workplace, when you want to get things done. And when you talk to your coworkers, you just be direct, right? I'll go back that sometimes you do need special skills to get things done. You are not the listener and how you say really influences what you can get out of that person.

So back to my classroom, the average of education level in my class is probably about grade four to grade seven. They don't have much of education. Some of them don't even have education before they came to Canada. It is very difficult for me to teach them how to be a respectful person in my class

And they're very nice people, they're kind and they're very friendly and they just genuinely like you. And because they like you so much and also because of their cultural backgrounds. And they sometimes do things that I have no idea why and it comes across being very rude and disrespectful.

And I think that's a social skills. And again, not only that reason I want to talk about social skills. Another reason is, again, I saw a comment, I saw a post from somewhere else talking about why he said, I want, I need, and the other person thinks this person is very rude.

We just learned a topic about asking time off and we were asked to use polite language such as "can I", "could I", "may I", things like that or "excuse me" to try to get attention or interrupt other people to get attention.

And then one girl just said, why do we have to use that? When I go to Tim Hortons, when I order coffee, I just say, I want this. I need this. I said, well, nothing wrong with it. But imagine if someone else says that to you, how do you feel? If you feel okay, and of course, you're going to serve this person and you just do your job. But if you don't feel okay, or if you don't feel comfortable when people ordering you or commanding you,

And then would you be comfortable or would you be willing to serve this person even though that's your job? I said another example would be every time when you want to ask me a question, you say, excuse me, teacher, I have a question. Can I ask you? In that case, you are trying to introduce your request first and then you can further your question saying that this is my specific question or demand and then I can help you.

But most of the time, people are so focused on the problem itself instead of how am I going to introduce this problem to the person. So you come to talk to me quite bluntly and abruptly. And sometimes I, of course, feel a little bit personal and I feel like this person is very rude and doesn't know how to respect my time or doesn't know how to respect me.

my expertise in that case and to me well I'm a human being right human being has normal emotions and feelings and in that case I wouldn't be willing to help you so sometimes I could just simply answer your questions and then kind of brush you off and sometimes I could just be like I have no time can you come back next time

There's a difference, right? I just finished a chapter of the book, Becoming Bullyproof. And she was talking about, it doesn't matter what you say, it's about how you say it.

Because your goal, you have to understand your goal. What do you want? Do you want to get your emotions out? Or do you want to protect your ego? Or do you want to just really vent out everything or revenge? Or you actually want to get things done when you complain. What's your goal of this complaint?

you want to solve the problems, get things done and get your refund or get your products or package in the moment because that is a problem. And of course, you get a little bit emotional, you get a little bit attacky and sometimes you might get a little bit offended. You start with a very strong emotion instead of focusing on the problem. And when you start to get emotional and the other person will get emotionally accordingly,

and you will never get things done, you will never solve the problem because everybody is trying to fight for their ego, right? Then the complaint is always a complaint and there's no solution to it. Back to my students or back to English learners in that case that we only focus on the ideas sometimes especially when the problems are kind of urgent. You have no time to react or you have no time to process how am I going to put this out.

All you can think about is do this for me. I want it. I need it. But when you say I want it, I need it, it's focusing on you. But you don't care if I have a time or if I have energy and effort at the moment to be able to help you and you are requesting or demanding me to help and I have no right to say no.

And for me, of course, I don't want to because of course, I have a right to say no, but you didn't give me a chance. But if you didn't give me a chance to say no, guess what? I'm going to say no to you. So I think that comes down to the basic social skills. You're going to have to be polite to other people. Once you are polite to other people and then other people feel comfortable, feel happy. And most importantly, they are willing to offer you further solutions or actually they wanted to have a conversation with you.

And another example is I tend to get a lot of messages, cold messages from LinkedIn and then some of them wanted to have a coffee chat. I find most of the messages on LinkedIn are very blunt. They're not direct but kind of direct. I don't know if you get it. And sometimes they come across a little bit pushy.

It's the way they talk. They will say, hey, my name is this. I noticed that we have connection or we're alumni and maybe we can connect. How about this time and have a coffee and this? Or maybe we can Zoom or FaceTime and chat. And mostly it looks very polite, but I don't normally respond to messages like that. I feel like this person didn't even give me a chance to start to introduce myself.

and didn't give me a chance to say that maybe i don't have a time right you don't really know me but you already throw me options that you only have abc what if i don't like abc what if i have option d and i want to choose option d but you didn't offer me option d so you are limiting my options to connect with you in that case i find this person a little bit demanding

and a little bit impolite. Maybe it's not because again, you're using a second language to help yourself and people tend to get lost in translation or in second language. There's a subtle difference.

And also we have to understand that Chinese and English or Arabic and English or even Spanish or any other languages, we have cultural differences and we also have different contexts. Some cultures are high context, some cultures are low context. And when a high context meets the low context, that's when conflicts happen.

So this is why I feel like especially when you are using second language to communicate, social skills are especially very important. Back to the example of my students, and I always think about them and I always think about myself because I've been there, I was a learner, I had a moment that people thought Chinese people were all rude because this is the way we talk.

I wish back then when I was learning English or when people at my age learning English could have courses about social skills like how to ask politely, how to complain politely, or things like that. Writing is another perfect example of social skills. I think people tend to put reading, writing together, listening, speaking together on

I actually do the different way. I put reading and listening together. They're similar and I put speaking and writing together. I think speaking and writing, despite of how you do it, they're same thing. It's getting your ideas out. It's pushing other people listen to you or pushing other people to accept your messages, ideas. So you have to be careful about how you word your ideas.

I was working with a group of students from university majored in TESOL. I think it's Master of Professional Education in TESOL. So we were working on how to make their theories into practical exercises to better serve students. So it's like kind of a bridge the gap between theory and practicality. The email they sent in the beginning to approach was very...

It sounds like someone works at a government and it could be an administrative assistant or it could be a secretary and it's very robotic, very cold. You cannot say it's not polite but you can definitely tell it's AI generated.

She had good intent, she had good ideas of how to approach but she really sounded like she was up here, I was here and I had to listen to her. At that moment, I really had a bad impression on this email and this group and actually when we had a real talk and they were very nice people but again because I had to do this experiment with them so I had no choice, I got a chance to know them better afterwards but

But if this is called the email and you send out emails like that, and that's it, that's the end of it. You're not going to have another chance to start like, hey, you better know me this way. And the first email is totally not me. You won't have the chance. So that's why some of the emails you send out, they might not respond, but some might, you might have a chance, right? But again, you have to say, you have to really check how you write it.

and the writing is a written version of speaking and speaking is a verbal version of writing. So they're similar, but when you talk to people, you see each other, you see expressions, you see body language. And even if you have kind of relatively rude language and people understand you are very polite because you have a big smile on your face, but in writing is a totally different.

Maybe you were writing email with really big smile and then with a big heart. And then you're going to say, I'm really respecting this person at that moment writing this email. But in your email, it doesn't show that because the tone is set by the reader. So it doesn't matter how friendly you are when you're writing it. But once I receive it and then it's my email,

a decision to set the tone. If I decided that's rude and that's going to be rude, but how are you going to control me in that case? You can't, or you don't even really know me. And this is my tip that how you can polish or kind of tune down your email a little bit. When you ask ChatJPT to help you draft an email, ask ChatJPT and say, be friendly and be nice, be approachable and open.

or you can even introduce the person your recipient what kind of person he is or she is how am I gonna talk to her or him and that's how you can draft a really good email and my example is I have this guy on my blog team and he's my editor he's one of my editors not all my articles is other people's articles so he wanted to start a

writing a series of articles about language coaching and he was asking about my opinion and sent out his draft about how he was going to do it. So my goal, my role in that case, I was like a reviewer. So I had to offer my opinion. I want my opinion to be constructive, but also friendly. But when you are being constructive, it comes across cold hearted bitch.

And again, so why do you offer feedback? Because there's something you need to change, something you need to improve. But people don't often accept negative comments. It doesn't necessarily have to be negative, but sometimes it just sounds very negative. So, for example, if you have wrong sentence and I cannot say, hey, this sentence is wrong and you need to fix it because apparently the logic doesn't work that way.

This is why he's older, way older than me, and he's a native speaker. He's very experienced. He's been in this field longer than I am. I cannot just jump in and tell him that your writing is not good because again, his ego will fight back. And then if his ego fights back, then we're not going to have effective communication on this case.

So I had a rough idea why or how this is wrong and I want to point it out. So I drafted my message on that issue saying that I don't think the logic works here because it kind of a little bit jumpy and there's a gap and then this.

So I feed my information to ChatGPT and also explain that this person is more experienced in many ways than me and also he's older than me. I want to sound respectful, friendly, but also constructive. So ChatGPT gave me a very, very nice and very personal friendly message.

comments on this problem. And again, that's not a one shot. You have to go back and read it and think about if this person reads it, how would that person feel? Sometimes you have to put yourself in the shoe as well and think about how would you think. Some people are sensitive and

for example me so I understand a lot I feel a lot and if people do that to me I of course will feel upset and some people might not be that sensitive so you might think it's not a big deal but again it's not up to you it's up to your reader so again read one more time think about your audience or readers and then go back and polish it fix it tweak it whatever you need to do to make it sound more natural more friendly and more humble

And we got things done and he really loved my comments and he said wow thank you so much for the input and I never thought about it and I totally agree with that and here's my timeline here's how I wanted to do it.

and he even said sorry for dragging so long I blame imposter syndrome and I responded saying that imposter syndrome no way so you see he in general is a very serious guy and when I talked to him in the past I sometimes felt a little bit intimidated again I'm a second language speaker and he is a native speaker he's more experienced

I'm not really and also he's a guy, he's an older guy, I'm a young woman. So there are a lot of factors that affect how I talk, how I feel. But you have to hold the ground tight, right? You have to stand up for you and really think how you're going to approach because in this case, I am the boss. I give orders. I set up everything. So I have to be strong but also polite. I have to be firm but not pushy.

There's a fine line there. How are you going to draw that? It comes down to social skills and you can definitely use ChatGPT to help you. I think a lot of AI tools are very helpful when it comes down to social skills. There are a couple of moments that I had a little bit conflicts with my lead and I really wanted to address the issue without being very aggressive or offensive.

And then I explained my whole problem. I explained this is what I want to say. And I asked CHIJPT to interpret in a way that other people wouldn't think this message being too aggressive. It takes a lot of work, but I think working through or working on the case helps me understand how communication can be effective when you are very careful, especially in terms of social skills.

I just wanted to chat with you guys why sometimes people really have to be careful and really have to learn social skills. And some people might argue that there's no need. Why do I have to do it? Why it's on me? Because while other people don't do it, the thing is, well, you have to look at what you really want. If you want to look at the effort you spend on being careful in terms of social skills and you think it's not worth it, then don't do it.

And if you think getting the thing done or getting what I want is more important than spending effort on polishing my words, then you're going to have to spend energy or time or effort on polishing your words. So you have to weigh it and decide which one you want. You can have the cake and eat it.

That's always the thing. Another very interesting example is if I say something and I find that you and you, of course, are not going to be happy. And in that moment, I feel uneasy because why are you unhappy? I'm just telling you a joke. But it's really not up to you. It's up to the listener. And if that person thinks it's not a joke, then it is not a joke. And then you're going to say, well, why do you make a big fuss again?

If you decide that this is the way you're going to talk to the person and you're going to have to be responsible for the consequences, including their emotions and feelings towards you. If you cannot accept their negative emotions and feelings, then don't use the way you talk to them. You cannot ask them to not be unhappy about what you say. And in the meantime, you are saying things that would offend them. So of course, they're not going to be happy.

And here's the thing a lot of people think if I tell you that you eat a lot and you gain weight and you do this. So people comment on you and then I would say well I'm not happy about the way you say it. You're going to argue back saying well why do you make big fuss I'm just saying that for you because I care about you. And the thing is I don't care if you care about me what you said makes me unhappy so I want you to know that you make me unhappy.

so you're gonna have to accept the fact that i'm not happy about what you say okay and this is a very good way to fight back if you often are the listener that who who are always offended by other people and how do you protect yourself is you tell them how you feel you make them feel awkward and don't let it go

and for example if someone says oh you're oh you're single i wonder why so underlying is

Oh, you're a terrible person. Nobody wants to date you. So that's why you're single. If you don't feel comfortable, you're not happy about that comment. You can ask. You can ask back, say, why do you say so? And tell me why. Make it very clear. And I want to know why. If you are saying that, as a matter of fact, then I want to know why you say so. If you're joking, then I'm going to tell you, guess what? That's not a funny joke because I'm not happy.

And just make it clear. And then most of us, if you're like me, most of us, when people say that, your first reaction is try to avoid the confrontation. You try to make it like, not a big deal, you know, it's just a joke. But afterwards, you feel really bad because then you keep thinking about it. Why did they say that to me? Being single is really bad or what? Why?

you'll keep thinking about it over and over again but instead of thinking about it on spot just fight back not like literally fight back but you can use a calm tone against another social skill tip use a calm tone just ask why do you say that and leave it like that if you don't even want to say anything you know what's the best weapon silence

If someone comments you being single, someone comments your marriage status, someone comment on your appearance, just look at them and be silent. You're going to make them awkward. They're going to start to break down and they're going to start to do something awkward and say, ah, you know, trying to brush it off or anything. And don't let them go. If you make me uncomfortable, I'll make you uncomfortable.

And I think it's another social skill tip, right? Social skills are not limited to how you talk to people nicely. I think social skills are

are more about how you get to what you want. And this what you want can be things, can be solutions, it can be goals, and it can be how you attack people back, right? So that's why I feel like I have this urge talking about it. But again, because my allergies, my brain is not really thinking straight, and my tongue is tied up

And I don't know how to speak. So it might not be an ideal episode, but guess what? It's better than nothing. And again, for you too, it doesn't matter if it's a social skills, speaking skills, reading skills, writing skills, don't even think about it. Just do it.

Think about you're doing this for yourself. Think about you're doing this for your future boss. Think about doing this for your future enemies. How are you going to practice this and be really good at that, right? So that's how things work. Anyway, so practice makes perfect. I hope you enjoyed this episode and stay tuned for next one. Ciao, ciao.