Men's Work Session - Healing A Past Full Of Anger
32:07 Share

All right, my friend, welcome to the Man Talk Show. How are you feeling today? A little nervous, but good. Happy to be here. Good stuff. Yeah, I mean, a little bit of nerves is normal in these types of conversations, you know, where I don't know you very well. You don't, I mean, maybe you have some context for me. And I don't know you very well.

And we're going to have a conversation that people are going to tune into. And so I recognize that. But I thank you for just joining me and being willing to have this dialogue and to explore what you might want to work on. So on that note, maybe give me a little bit of context for what

What questions you have, what struggles you're dealing with, or what you'd specifically like to address or get out of this conversation that we'll have today? I would say a couple of things. Recalling childhood, I don't really have a resource for that. So it's kind of

it's shooting in the dark, I remember maybe 10% of it and it comes fleeting. And then I would say maybe finding safety and connection and how to kind of work on that from a place of being single. So is that could we frame that as I don't necessarily feel safe in relationships? How would you how would you frame that? Good question.

It doesn't feel organic, I guess would be a good way of putting it. Whenever I do kind of connect and share to a little bit of a deeper level, it comes from a place of trying to ease something or trying to, I guess, relate to somebody from a place of like being in service to them, I guess, if that makes sense.

Yeah, so I'm in this relationship to try and figure out what you need versus expressing what I want and need. Yeah, from a platonic standpoint, it's to ease their, I guess, anxiety of kind of opening up themselves to me. So that's usually when I would share just something that may be relatable or something to just kind of ease that tension. Okay.

do you have a sense of where that came from or maybe i'll ask this a different way who did you have to take care of or feel like you had to attune to growing up um definitely my dad okay and it what well i guess in a sense it was a tune um i would say that i kind of had to curb whatever i was experiencing and just kind of yeah figure out what he needed or ways to avoid eggshells

as best as possible. Okay. Why was that? Why did you have to attune to what he was going through and try and sort of tailor your behavior to him? Just volatile.

He wasn't equipped with the tools to be able to process his own experience and attune with mine as well and hold space for that. Got it. Got it. Okay. So two follow-up questions, which is tell me about his volatility. What was his volatility like? Let's just start with that one. Loud, big, just kind of, I guess in a sense,

That's where he found his power, if you will, to kind of get the outcome that he may have been looking for. What was that like for you? Scary, frustrating, and just kind of created a disconnect. And we still have it to this day. Okay.

Got it. Well, just take a breath for me, buddy. Take a breath for me. This sounds like there's a lot of charge there. It feels like there's a lot of charge there just talking about it. So take a nice deep inhale. Just slow down the breathing a little bit. And when you're ready, tell me what's happening internally as you talk about that. I would say it feels like my throat's closing. Okay. Just kind of a bottleneck, I guess.

okay so breathe into that just stay with it for a moment and just breathe into that energy in the neck trying to close off creating a little bit of a bottleneck in the body and just see if you can let it stay open a little bit we don't have to force it open you don't have to completely close off but as you notice that happening to the best of your ability say what that's protecting you from a flood yeah flood of what

Emotion, experience, frustration, anger. And obviously that's kind of top level. There's a lot more to that. It's kind of the gateway, if you will. Okay. Gateway to what part of you or what aspects of you? The inner child, the boy that shut down and his experience. So just take another breath with me here.

And just let yourself stay in contact with that energy in the neck and everything that's underneath it. It sounds like there's a lot underneath it. Lots of emotions, lots of energy. So maybe if you want, you can just let the eyes stay closed for a second and just try and stay with some of those emotions. We don't need to move away from them. I'll just say it to you directly right now, which is all those emotions are welcome here.

I get that they didn't have a place with dad, but they can have a place here and you can be safe in expressing those emotions. So just let that hit you. It's okay to feel what I'm feeling right now. Take another breath into it and just say what it's like to hear that. Different, uneasy, but at the same time refreshing. I can feel my nervous system starting to relax and kind of lean into that.

- Good, so just stay with the first act. Close the eyes again if you're comfortable with that. Just try and stay with everything that's happening inside of you and breathe into it and just make a statement about what it was like for you to be around his volatility and his anger. What was that like for you as a boy? - Exhausting, frustrating, scary, and for a while I picked up the same traits, the same habits.

Yeah, so just again, just let yourself be affected by what you're saying. It was really scary for me as a boy and I became in some ways the thing that I never wanted to become. Just keep letting that come up a little bit. What just happened when I said that? What happened inside of you? It just brought back memories. Okay. Memories of what? My actions. In relationship? Yeah, relationship and just in general. Makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense.

- How you doing? Just straight in, hey? Just going straight in. Sorry, bud. - No. I came kind of expecting it. I knew this was gonna be a roller coaster and a bit of a rocker. - Yeah, okay, good. So close your eyes with me again. Take another breath in. And I just want you to stay with the intensity that keeps coming up inside of you. 'Cause I'm with you, I can really feel what you're going through. And I can tell it's a lot.

And I just want you to know you're not going through that alone. And I've got you and nothing that you have to say, feel, experience, it's too much. None of it is too much for me. And I can hold you in and through all of that. So just let yourself feel that. Let yourself be affected by what I just said, because that is not what you got as a boy. And just for a moment, let yourself connect to the deepest part of you that

wanted to be held by dad emotionally, physically, that needed love and that needed safety. And then just breathe into that and make a statement from there. Take your time. Just try and stay with it. Okay? Just try and stay with it. Say what's happening inside. Peaceful. The shakes are gone. It's not the best way I could put it is the bouncy ball that I felt was inside of me is not there.

Tell me about the bouncy ball. What's that? Just the charge. Yeah, just I get shaky. I can feel it basically from the chest down. So breathe in again. We're going to just do a little piece of work here. Good. That was a great breath. So stay in there for a moment. And I just want you to try and visualize that boy back in the house that you grew up in. Maybe he's in his room. Maybe he's in the living room.

but just connect with them see them connect with them energetically and once you're connected to them just again make a statement stay with it say what's happening uh a little bit of the shakes coming back i can feel a little bit of the charge um and yeah just kind of went back to the little house that i grew up in um in the backyard playing with my dog

next to the red fence in his little red house. What's it like to see that? Just try and stay with it for a moment. We'll go nice and slow. Just keep the eyes closed. Say what it's like to see that boy in the backyard next to the red fence and dog playing outside. I don't really have words for it. That's okay. Just let yourself be affected by it. Let it hit you. And then make a statement to him, to that boy. What do you want to say to him?

Don't hide. Take another breath. So it's okay for you to come out. So maybe just say that to him. Say what's happening. Tension. I can feel it in my arms, but it's different. It's not like the bouncy ball. It's a constant, I guess. I can feel it through my back, through my lats, down into my mid to lower back, and then like a vibration and hum kind of in the belly. Okay, great. So that's all right.

Stay with that for a moment and just really tune into all that energy through the arms, the constant force, embrace whatever it is that you're experiencing and then just tune into what that energy wants to say or who it wants to speak to. Just make a statement from that place right there. What does that part of you want to say to dad? To watch his words, as the words will become reality.

- Keep going, what else? - Some things can't be undone. And to be mindful, his needs growing up aren't my needs. - So breathe into that, you're doing great. And just stay there for a second. Stay with that. And I just want you to, again, bring back that visualization of being out in the backyard, seeing that boy, but also having dad back there. He's out in the yard as well. And I just want you to position yourself

in that visualization between you as a boy and dad. So you can be standing in front of the boy, you can be standing beside the boy with your hand on his shoulder, and just describe what's happening. So I'm right there with you. - I'm standing behind him with my hand over the shoulder and a little bit under the collarbone, and he's just got, he's got his pup.

laying across his feet. We're just kind of standing there looking out. Good. So let that hit you. Just let it hit you. So now from there, make another statement to dad. Walk away. Walk away and what? Just walk away. No more. Yeah. You don't get to hurt this kid anymore. You okay to say that to him? You don't get hurt the kid anymore. Yeah. Another breath. You're doing really good. Anything else you want to say to him?

Just that I wish he did the work for himself and stepped away from ego. Yeah. So say that to him directly. What would that sound like? I wish you would have leaned into yourself rather than leaning into kind of business and looking for success solely from the physical material way. The relationship that you wanted would have been possible.

but only through doing your own work. And I wish you would have and could have. Another breath, deep breath, and out. Another one of those. I just want you to feel some of that energy ripping through the arms and in the back and shoulders, down the lats, and really feel your spine. Really feel the strength in your spine. And make a statement from that place, right from your spine, to him, directly from your spine to dad.

another breath deep breath in okay if i give you something to try out sure okay so dad i'm gonna do what you couldn't i'm gonna do what you couldn't dad i'm gonna do what you couldn't yeah say what that's like what's happening inside when my hands are numb i can feel like the tension through my back and it shifted down uh it's lower it's

right on the outside of my spine. And that one, it just, it cuts deep. That's at the core. It's overwhelming, to be honest. - Mm-hmm, well, it's okay. Just breathe into it. Maybe let yourself, you can open and close the hands if you need, open and close 'em. Or you can just squeeze 'em really tight. You can also grab onto the desk or onto the chair. Find something to squeeze. And I just want you to take an inhale in.

and you're going to exhale and you're just going to let some of that tension out with a sound any sound you can sigh you can say a word you can say you can let a yell out whatever you need but just let some of that energy out authentically yeah again you don't have to go full blast but a little bit louder if you're comfortable with that damn it yeah why couldn't you why couldn't you just show up why couldn't you just leave him alone

Why couldn't you have just loved me and why did you have to keep hurting me? Why couldn't you just love me? Why couldn't you just show up for me? Deep breath. You're doing good. Just let him reply back in his own way. Let him respond back. Just see what he says. What does he say back or what happens? What does he do? He shuts down and just says that he didn't and doesn't know how. Yeah.

to breathe into that so that might be true you may not have known how breathe into it and that still doesn't make it okay just make one more statement to him i needed you to get over your own i needed you to get out of your own ego i needed you to grow up just make a statement to him from that place i needed you to set an example one that could be followed and one from a place of compassion in yeah

well you're setting that example now you're doing a good job so take a breath in i'm just gonna make a bit of a statement here and you just notice what happens inside and you just see if it feels true for you or not okay my gut is that you followed in his footsteps in some ways because you were trying to figure out why he treated you the way that he treated you it's not a rational conscious decision

Doesn't make sense, but he did set an example and you stepped into that to try and figure him out and likely to try and just feel close to him. So take a breath and just say how all that lands. It kind of hits. I think it's definitely like a subconscious experience and I knew nothing else. In a sense, he was my elder.

And so I've lived through that example until I was shown otherwise. And I didn't know anything else. I didn't know what compassion looked like in those moments. So take a breath and out and just come back to hands on the shoulders of that younger boy. And again, straight to dad.

You have to find your own words for this, but something along the lines of, "I'm going to take it from here and I'm going to treat this boy in the way that he needed. I'm going to give him what you couldn't." I'm going to show him a different path. I'm going to lead by example and show him how to hold space for those around him that look to him. Good job. Good job. Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. You've done what you could with what you were given.

And so just let him leave of his own accord. Let dad leave. Let him walk back into the house or out of the yard. Just let him leave. Stay with it. You're doing good. Stay with it. Say what's happening inside so I'm right there with you. Hands are numb. My arms, I don't really feel much going on. I can feel a ton of tension in my back and the upper shoulder blade areas.

and then right down kind of mid-back into the spine, just tight. Kind of almost feels like somebody's taking a massage gun over it with just the vibration that I can feel the energy and kind of in my solar plex, up underneath my ribs in the front. - Good, so just put a hand on the chest, hand on the belly, let yourself sit up, and you're just gonna take a couple breaths in through the nose

long exhale and sigh out the mouth. So some audible sound out the mouth as you exhale. Just let some of that tension and energy move out, almost as if you're releasing it out of the mouth. Great. Couple more. And just let a sigh come out, a little bit of sound. Good. Couple more. Really elongating the sound. It may feel a little bit odd.

Good. A couple more like that. I'll do it with you. Good. Say what's happening in the body as you do that. It's relaxing. I don't feel as charged. Good. My shoulder blades feel like they've kind of rolled back into better posture. They're not tense. A little bit in the lats, but not like it was. Just kind of coming back to being grounded. Good. Good. So take another breath in.

And at your own pace, just facing that younger self and maybe getting down on a knee, making contact with him, and then making one last statement to him, whatever it is that you want to know him to know. Yeah, you're going to be all right because I will show you a different path. Yeah, I'm going to be the role model that you actually needed. I'll be your role model and show you how to lead with compassion rather than destruction.

and i'll teach you that anger doesn't have to be harmful that it actually can protect instead of be hostile so just notice how he's responding that anything that he wants to say back to you skeptical that's okay good so just take another breath and then at your own pace come on back in and just try and maintain connection with him but come on back in so maybe just before i break anything down do you want to make

Any statements about that piece of work or any questions that you have for me? Any resources, recommendations, kind of to work through that charge. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, let me just give you, I'll break down two or three things and I'll give you a very specific practice, which is what I was actually walking you through in the piece of work. So,

One of the things that can happen when we grow up around a parent who is very volatile and hostile, and we feel like we have to walk on eggshells constantly, is that it becomes hard to remember things because your system is in a state of fight or flight on a regular basis. Sometimes it's almost always in this state of fight or flight when that parent is around.

And so that physiological somatic nervous system state becomes the dominant force. It becomes the dominant experience that then imprints itself on us. And sometimes we don't remember things as clearly as we could because what we do remember is just this sort of chronic state of, am I okay? Am I safe?

Am I going to get in trouble? Am I going to get yelled at? Am I going to get hit? Am I going to be told I'm stupid or whatever your experience was? So you might find that as you do the exercise I'm going to walk you through, that some of those memories do start to come back, but you might find that your memories are more felt.

They're just more in your body, right? Because your body is sort of its own brain and it has its own memories, right? Your nervous system literally remembers things. It remembers what it's like to be around dad or be around mom or be around that ex or play with the dog. It remembers what things feel like. And so your core memories just might be a little bit more experiential than visual.

Okay, so what I want you to start to tune into is what are, maybe I'll just get you to write down this question or you can come back and find it after, whatever is convenient for you. But what are some of the somatic experiences I know I had growing up? What are some of the somatic or physiological memories that I have from growing up?

And you can explore that, right? It's like, I remember what it felt like to go to grandma's house. This is how it felt being at grandma's house. You might not have visual memories of what people said or what you did. It's just, here's how it felt.

And here's what I experienced at grandma's house or at grandpa's house or with that aunt and uncle. And what I would encourage you to do is to go through a lot of your family system growing up. Do you have siblings? Yeah, two. Yeah. So same thing there. What did it feel like to be around them? Were there different periods or stages that you and your siblings went through? And just start to connect to that more experiential based memory.

of what it felt like to be around them and what you experienced. So I think that'll be a great exercise for you. And what I found for a lot of clients is that in doing this process, sometimes memories pop back up. They're like, oh yeah, I remember this feeling activated this memory of like playing outside in the backyard with my sibling, you know, digging holes underneath the fence, like whatever you guys did. What I want you to try and do is a couple times a day,

probably, well, whatever feels reasonable for you, but at least three times a day for the next month. I'd like for you to do the exercise that I walked you through. So hand on the chest, hand on the belly, and you're going to take a nice, long, deep inhale in through the nose, and you're going to sigh out through the mouth, okay? And an audible sigh.

and you're just going to let some sound move through the body. So it's almost like you're, and you can play around with it, right? You can find one note, you just let that sound out, or you can move the sound around, or you can go down. But what I want you to start to do is this is going to help you do two things. I want you to focus on a couple of things. Number one,

You're focusing on a very easy, relaxed breath in through the nose and then a long exhale out the mouth with some tone. And this is going to help your nervous system to what's called downregulate and to find a deeper sense of safety in the body. Because your body has, I would imagine if I was around you and I could see you physically, you probably carry a ton of tension

in your musculature, you probably have very dense muscles.

And so this is going to help you find some relaxation, but it's also going to teach your nervous system how to down regulate and to find some safety. And so at least three times a day, really good to try and use this. Like when you feel stressed, when you feel anxious, when you feel overwhelmed, do this exercise for just two or three minutes. It doesn't have to be super long. You can do it for a little bit longer if you want, but two or three minutes. Okay. Do you have trouble going to sleep at night?

It depends. If I got a lot going on or if I kind of go down a rabbit hole, it can be hard to shut my mind off. Got it. When that happens, lay on your back with your butt against the wall, legs straight up the wall so that your feet are facing the ceiling. Okay. So lay on your back, butt against the wall, legs straight up the wall and lay there for

four or five minutes before you go to bed and just focus on breathing into your belly. And what this does is it forces circulation. It literally draws the blood from your legs down into your chest and forces circulation. And it slows your heart rate down, which slows your breath rate down, which puts you into a more parasympathetic nervous system. So this will help you to calm. So you can use that throughout the day if you're feeling really taxed.

But that's a good one to do at night. But the main one that I want you to focus in on is exhaling with the sigh and starting to practice moving some of that energy out. Okay, to vocalize moving some of that energy out.

Maybe I can be more concise here. What can happen around, especially a father who's very loud and big and volatile, is we develop a safety system within our body of protecting ourself by locking up.

So we lock up our breath. We lock up physically. It's like bracing for impact, right? It's like right before you crash your bike, you tense your whole body, right? That becomes a kind of chronic state that we can live in when we grow up around a parent like that. And so this exercise I'm giving you is going to help to undo some of that unconscious locking that I am guessing is happening in your body whenever you move into a stress state.

Okay, so bonus points. You can try some yin yoga, which I think would be good. It's a very slow form of yoga. You sit in a posture for, you know, three, four minutes. You can find it online. It's Y-I-N.

in yoga. And I would recommend that you do that a couple of times a week. And that's, again, it's just going to help you to get more into your body and to release some of the really intense locking and gripping that your body sort of developed to protect itself against that.

Make sense? No, absolutely. Everything that I do that gets me into my body is always tense, whether it's, you know, riding the motorcycle, going to the gym. Yeah, no, that's, thank you. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. So reach out, reach out the next week. Let me know how all this is landing. If you have any follow-up questions, there's a couple other things in there that I think

maybe need to be worked on so so just send me an email separately and we can talk about those and maybe maybe have you back on at some point to address another another piece i would love that and i really really appreciate it yeah you got it man thank you so much for joining me appreciate you uh just uh trusting me and diving in so deep with me um considering that

you know it's your first time having this conversation with me so i appreciate you and um yeah i mean for anybody that was tuning into this don't forget to man it forward because there's likely many many many men who experienced something very very similar to this that could use this insight so thanks so much for joining me

you